Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame away.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I know we can try. Cause there's no place like

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there ain't no place

like home. There ain't no place like home.

I mean, no, Clay John.

Oh, no.

That Texas chainsaw washing machine has done it again.

Hey, what happened to my favorite shirt?

It is now my favorite rag.

You know, this is the third time this week that washing machine has torn up

clothes. Well, don't tell me. Tell our illustrious landlord, Julian C.

Barlow.

I did.

You know what he said?

It's only in the way you load it.

And nobody loads it the way he does.

I'm going back to the Bullets -Lakers game. It's getting hot now. The ref

already ejected a player, and one of the fans ruined Pat Riley's hair.

I wish we had a referee to eject landlords.

Mary, this is the last draw. And this is my last pair. Long draw.

All my drip -dry clothes are now rip -dry.

Now, come on, ladies. Look on the bright side.

At least this summer we'll all be cooler.

Oh, Mary, please.

Now, I say we should take a stand.

We should go up to that cheapskate landlord and demand that we get a new

and dryer in that laundry room. And a TV, because it is boring down there.

Don't you ladies remember what happened the last time we asked for a new dryer?

What'd he say?

He put up a long piece of rope.

Hello.

Could you tell me where I might find Julian Barlow?

Down in the laundry room, hanging out to dry, we hope.

Well, he does have that effect on people.

I'm Audrey Barlow, his soon -to -be ex -wife.

Oh, well, Mary Jenkins. Nice to meet you. Wait, wait, wait, excuse me, excuse

me. But did you say that you were married to Julian C. Barlow?

Child, you have our sympathy.

Your sympathy really isn't necessary because I'm taking a lot of positive

from this marriage.

The car, the house, the stocks.

Well, I think it's so sweet that you want to hold on to a certain part of

life together.

Well, we did marry for richer or poorer, and I'm going to be richer, and he's

going to be poorer.

Well, he's been pretending to be poor for a long time, so now all that

will come in handy.

If you see Julian, tell him I'll be back tomorrow to clean house, so to speak.

Did anybody else feel a

sudden chill in the air?

Yeah, child, the ice woman coming.

To freeze Julian's ascot off.

Sorry for Julian, but I don't.

What was she doing here? Who, the cleaning lady?

She said she came to clean your penthouse.

Did the words bleed the sucker dry come up in conversation?

No, but then again, some things are just a given.

Don't worry, Julian, you can... She'll be back tomorrow.

Oh, when is that woman going to realize I'm all tapped out? I've got nothing

left to give.

Excuse me, but did you forget that you own 227? If she finds out I own 227,

she'll get it in the divorce settlement, and then you'll have a new landlord.

Well, it'll be better than the one we got now.

Oh, you cut me to the quick.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Julian. When she gets through with you, even

your quick will be gone.

What about you?

She'll raise your rent so high, you'll need a helicopter to reach them.

Raise our rent? Unless she decides to lower the building, and then you'll be

living in the parking lot of 227.

Well, that does it for me. Julian, what can we do?

If only I can make her think I'm ruined, just barely scraping by.

Oh, well, here.

Try wearing this.

I'm serious.

I've got to convince her that I'm poverty stricken.

Well, we may be able to come up with a solution for a price.

I'll do anything to preserve this building. It's the last vestige of my

glory. Well, then try fixing the last vestige of that washing machine.

Deal. Fix?

How about a new washer and dryer?

Yes.

Shall we call Audrey? Good idea.

Oh, Travis, I want tonight to be the kind of night that'll make you glad

a man.

Really?

I mean, uh, really.

Here we are.

Crib, sweet crib.

Diane, there's something I want to ask you all night long.

What are you doing here?

Uh, you invited me.

I did.

Hold on a second.

Travis! Hi.

Hi. What? What are you doing here? This is my night for the apartment.

No, no, no. We agreed to alternate Friday and Saturday night. This week,

Saturday and you're Friday. Excuse me, Mr. Month -at -a -Glance Head.

I'm Saturday and you're Friday.

Look, I don't care if you're Robinson Crusoe. I'm not Friday.

Whoa, literary illusion. Get back. And get out.

Excuse me, babe.

Just a second. I think we need to go into boudoir and talk.

We're going to go and have a little tete -a -trois.

Well,

I've lost that loving feeling. How about you?

Long gone.

Which is what we should be.

Hey, there's a hot band down at Eddie's Club Attitude.

And a lot of cute guys.

Yes!

better idea. Why don't we just go back to your place?

Leslie?

Diane?

Leslie? Diane!

Oh, Julian's not home. Home? This is nothing but a laundry room with this old

pile of rags over here.

Mary.

Did you bring me some broth?

Julian, is that you?

That voice.

Audrey, I must be hallucinating.

Oh, no, it is you, Audrey.

Oh, can I offer you a drink?

Let's see, I have hot, warm, or cold.

Who do you think you're fooling with this preposterous charade?

Preposterous, yes.

Charade, alas, no.

I've had abysmal luck in the stock market.

Black Monday turned my blue chips into cow chips.

Yes, and you see, the landlord is very kind. He allows Julian to stay here in

exchange for our jobs, like installing washers and dryers.

Oh, there you are. We brought you some old clothes.

For me?

Yes.

They're not much, but they'll keep you warm at night. Yeah, if you can't wear

them, then burn them.

I think I'll give this to me for Christmas.

Oh, Julian, this is horrible. I wouldn't wish this on the most despicable

reprobate who ever lived. Which, come to think about it, is you.

I never thought I would do this, but here, take this for your dollar. Oh, no,

no, I couldn't. I'm too proud.

Oh, okay.

At least, let me give you a pencil.

Hold up. Hold up. Wait a second.

Travis, this is the last straw. This is my day to use the washing machine. We

got a deal.

All deals are off, especially after last night.

I can't help it we only have one washer.

Complained to our cheapskate landlord, Julian, over there.

What? Julian owns this building?

Yeah, and if he'd spent a little less money on his extravagant penthouse and

more on the building, we'd have bluer blues and whiter whites. Isn't that

Mary? Huh?

I should have known this little play was staged for my benefit.

It looks like opening night is also closing night. Bye.

Mary, please.

Now, I'm going to take you for everything you have. This building, the

furniture, your clothes. No, I don't want your clothes.

Not to mention that gold watch I gave you in a moment of weakness.

Oh, no, not the watch. What good would it do you? It has my name engraved in

diamonds on the face.

Those diamonds will make lovely earrings.

And when I finish with you, you're going to be so poor, they're going to put

your face on food stamps.

Was there something we said?

Daddy, Calvin and I are going to the planetarium. They got a new show on the

Neptune flyby.

Hmm. Yeah, so we gotta fly, so bye.

What are you interested in that stuff?

Come on, Mr. Jenkins. I've always wanted to boldly go where no man has gone

before. Yeah, well, if you go there with my daughter, you're not coming back.

Hi, Mr. Barlow.

Uh...

Lester, can I borrow a cup of aspirin?

Perhaps a drum of Tums.

Oh, Julian, I'm sorry. I heard your wife was trying to put your wallet on a

diet. There's nothing I can't handle.

There's your face doing the hokey pokey. It started again. The alimony twitch.

Oh, God.

Julian, sit down. You're a nervous wreck. Man, you got to lighten up.

You know, everybody gets stressed out sometimes.

But you got to learn to do what I do when I get stressed out. What? What? Go

fishing. Fishing?

Yeah. You mean like getting up before dawn?

Impaling some slimy worm on a hook?

casting it into the water in hopes of ensnaring some scaly creature that

have the good taste to have shoulders.

You don't know what I'm talking about.

I don't know, Lester. I'm just not a wild kingdom kind of guy.

Okay, now let me put it this way.

It'll calm you down, and your wife's lawyer will never find you way out

Lead me to the worms!

Why is it every time we sit down to dinner, somebody decides to come by?

Hi, Lester.

I'm moving out tomorrow, and I just wanted to say goodbye first. Goodbye

I changed my mind. I don't want to move out. Why don't you move out? Because I

did Parman first. I want you out by tomorrow.

I got a better idea. Why don't you both move so we can finish our dinner?

Now look what you did. You got Lester mad at us.

Us? It's you he never liked. No, it's both of you.

I have horrible news.

Well, what is it, Pearl? What horrible news?

Julian is dead.

I don't believe it. Julian dead?

I just heard about it. Well, what happened? Was it an accident?

Was it a heart attack?

Well, was it suicide?

I'll answer you all at one time.

You know, all I know is dead.

Well, I still can't believe it. It seems like only yesterday I was badgering him

for a new washing machine.

Oh, Mary, it was yesterday.

And what a petty thing to be arguing about.

Oh, no, homeboy. I mean, we were just squabbling over something like days of

week.

What day of the week it is doesn't matter much when you're dead.

I know. I think we need to go up to your apartment and talk.

My apartment?

Don't you mean our apartment?

This is terrible. I'm in shock.

Well, don't complain, honey. You're still in better shape than Julian.

Oh, have you heard the awful tragic news about dear Julian?

Oh, Audrey, yes.

Did they say how it happened?

Well, apparently he was fishing.

Fishing?

There was a storm, and then his boat capsized, and his body was never found

again. I'm so overcome with sadness.

Ooh, are those cashews?

I love cashews.

Mary, he died fishing.

I'm responsible. I'm the one that talked him into going fishing.

Oh, now, honey, don't blame yourself.

No, what's done is done.

There's no use crying over a spilt Julian.

By the way, his lawyer informs me that tomorrow there'll be a reading of his

will at 2 o 'clock at my pent... I mean, Julian's penthouse.

He'd like all of you to be there.

Well, why does he want all of us there?

My guess is to inherit the broken -down washing machine.

You're lucky.

Well, I'll see you all tomorrow.

Fishing, huh? Why didn't I think of that?

You know, it's so strange.

One day Julian is here, and you wish he was gone.

And the next day he's gone forever, and you wish, well, the next day he's gone

forever.

May I please don't remind you, I feel bad enough as it is.

This might sound crazy, but I think I'm going to miss him.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Because I don't agree, but I know what you mean.

Hello, everyone.

It's a beautiful day for a will reading, isn't it?

Strong woman, smiling through her grief.

This is Julian's lawyer, Mr. Robert Howard. Get on with it, Robert.

Anything you say, Mrs. Barlow.

Thank you all for being here on this somber and sad... Get on with it,

Moving right along.

The deceased did not leave a written will, but instead made a videotape.

Just what we need, another talk show.

I'm glad to see you two are friends again.

Well, yeah. Julian's death made us realize we're all only around for so

It's so long.

It's showtime.

Well, since you're all here watching this videotape, it must mean I've gone

to meet my maker.

He lost his sense of direction.

Man, wherever he's going, I'm the one who sent him there.

Oh, honey.

I... Julian C. Barlow, being of sound mind and magnificent body,

you hereby bequeath the following.

To Rose, Pearl, and Eva, I leave lots and lots of money.

My ship finally come in.

Just kidding.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm sure gonna miss me.

I don't want to watch this program anymore.

And to Lester, who has stayed married to Mary for over 20 years, I leave my

respect, my admiration, and one question.

How?

Can you make somebody deader?

And to you, Mary, I leave something very special, the honor and privilege of

giving the eulogy at my memorial service.

Your eulogy?

Not on your life.

Oh, come on, Mary.

refuse a dead man's last request, I know deep in your heart you can find a few

kind words.

If so deep, it'll take a heart surgeon to find it.

Which brings me to my prized possession, 227.

I leave 227 to my beloved cousin from Jamaica, Dexter Wellington Barlow.

What? That building should be mine as part of my settlement.

Sorry, but the records show that Julian purchased 227 with funds obtained after

the separation. You're not legally entitled to it. I can't believe it. I'm

even mentioned in the will.

Oh, Audrey, I saved the very best for last.

For you?

I'd like to begin if we

can. If we could all find our seats.

What was she doing here? I thought she was coming to Julian's will.

Maybe she's more sentimental than we thought.

Hello.

Does anybody know if Julian's cousin Dexter is unattached?

So much for sentiment.

Thank you all for coming today.

We are here to pay our last respects to a man...

who was loved by all who knew him.

I thought we was here for Julian.

I'll get that, buddy.

Hey, man.

This be the place where they're having a memorial service for Julian C. Barlow?

Yeah, are you his cousin from Jamaica?

That's right.

I talked him into going fishing, and I lured him to his death. Hey, hey, hey. I

don't know who you are, ma 'am, but you about to unlock my dreadlocks here.

Excuse me. Are you here for the services?

That's right, yes. I'm here for the building.

My name is Dexter Wellington Barlow.

Yoo -hoo, Dexter.

There's a seat here next to me.

No, thanks.

I think I sit next to the man who made this all.

possible for me.

I'm sure you'd like to hear from one who knew Julian well.

Mary Jenkins.

Let me try this again.

The dearly departed.

Julian Barlow was my landlord, and I knew him for only a few short months.

you. Refreshments are now served.

But seriously, although Julian and I had our share of disagreements,

I'm sure that under that haughty exterior, there was a good side to

he never learned to show.

He never learned to swim, either.

Julian displayed

his kindness in many, many ways.

Oh, Larry, could I speak to you for a minute?

What is it, honey? I was just getting in the spirit.

Man, we've been had. Julian's not dead. He's Dexter.

You mean that Jav talking Jamaican is a phony? Yeah. How you know? He's wearing

a solid gold watch with Julian's name spelled out in diamonds.

Mm -hmm.

Excuse me.

Now, where was I?

I think you were talking about Julian's kindness, Maggie.

Oh, yes.

Julian did... displayed his kindness in many, many ways.

Well... Invisible to the naked eye. Now let's see what Julian spells out to be.

J is for the jewel watch we know he's wearing wherever he may be.

Oops, Mom.

U is for the underhanded tricks he tried to pull.

L is for life in prison.

If he's ever discovered.

I, and I got the gold mine.

I got the gold mine. They're calling me. They're saying, Dale, Dale, Dale, I got

the gold.

Of all the memorial services I've been to, this one takes the cake.

Uh -uh. This time, Pearl took the cake.

Can anybody explain to me what just happened?

It'll all be clear pretty soon.

dragged in.

I didn't think I'd make it.

There I was going down for the third time when suddenly this school of

happened by and carried my nearly lifeless body to shore.

Did I give a party and forget to invite myself?

No. We were having a memorial service because we thought you were dead.

Shoot, I've always wanted to attend my own funeral, too.

Stick around.

You might still get the chance.

I may as well be dead now that Audrey's going to get my building.

Actually, Julian, I have some good news about... Good news about my building?

Well, yes.

It appears that Audrey just might let you stay in the basement.

Oh.

Excuse me.

I'm going to go kiss my jacuzzi goodbye.

Mary, why don't you let me tell him the lawyer said he can't lose the building?

Oh, let the man stop a child.