Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with old flame away.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With him from our friends, I know we can try. Cause there's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like home. There ain't no place like home.

No place, child.

Bells, bells, bells, junk mail.

Hey, look.

Rose and Warren sent out the postcard from their honeymoon in Paris.

What? You mean they have time to write postcards?

What kind of honeymoon are they on?

Dear Mary and Lester, no time to write. Bye.

Sounds like they're putting the ooh back in the ooh -la -la.

How come you didn't take me to France on our honeymoon?

The train didn't go that far.

You're a hopeless romantic.

I guess you just have to hire another assistant.

There's no time. We're opening an art exhibit today, a retrospective of

Minimalists. Oh, yeah, they just put one of those on my truck the other day.

Mary, I'm desperate. Can you come help me today?

Oh, honey, I don't know anything about art. The only thing I know about art is

that it's short for Arthur.

Please, I need someone to come help me set up and run the reception.

Well, go on, help her, Mary. It sounds like fun.

If you like doll fun.

Well, this is where I work, Mary. La Galerie Moderne. Oh, it's interesting.

Lord, what is this over here? You know, this looks just like our apartment after

Brenda and her friends had a party.

Mary, you do know art. The title of that painting is After the Party.

Well, maybe if we put a little Mr. Clean on it, it'll go away.

Look, and they even have one of my paintings over here.

Oh, Inga, that's lovely.

I call this one The Flight of the Bumblebee.

Where's the bee?

Behind the banana.

Oh.

Huh. I would have called it a bowl of fruit.

Let me show you this one.

Oh, now that's nice.

But it's crooked.

No.

No, no, no, no.

The lines of passionate resistance must rush towards the impertinence of time at

this precise angle.

Took the words right out of my mouth.

Miss Richards, meet my... friend, Mary Jenkins. She's going to help us set up

the show today.

Mary, this is my boss, Eugenia Richards.

Nice place you have here.

Thank you.

We think that this is the perfect environment to create a synergistic

between art and the aficionado.

You did it again.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

Nice to meet you.

Carry on. We have 20 minutes to the opening.

Mary, let's go get the champagne and the hors d 'oeuvres. Okay.

Oh, wait a minute, Eva.

This painting is smudged on the glass.

Do you want me to take it off?

There are some supplies in there. I'll meet you at the reception area. Okay.

Yeah, I was right the first time.

Bartley!

So good of you to come.

Someone had to give this opening a little class.

Mary, that's Bartley Hayward.

You sure that's not Mr. Peanut?

He's a hard -famous art critic. I'll be an overnight sensation if he likes my

artwork. Well?

They should take down the painting and hang the artist.

Flowing lines.

Wonderful contour continuation.

Lots of movement.

Too bad it's trash.

You know, if he'd been around, Van Gogh would have been Van Gogh.

Now, Bartley, there must be something here to your liking.

I'm sure there is. How about that one over there?

Oh, yes.

Yes. Sheer genius.

Incredible.

Magnificent.

This is art.

You mean this ugly bottle of window cleaner?

Yes. Brilliant, isn't it? Oh, yes. It's my favorite piece.

The symmetry, the simplicity, the commerciality.

Where does this come from?

at the supermarket.

How nearly humorous.

Who is responsible for this?

I'm sorry. I'm afraid I am. Don't apologize.

Did Whistler apologize for his mother?

Oh, Bartley, you sly puss. You've discovered my newest

protege.

Mary Jenkins.

Madam, you're a genius.

This work captures the frustration of the modern housewife.

Mary, is he serious?

Seriously ill.

What else have you created?

Well, I created a daughter, but I had a little help.

I'm sorry, but I have to tell you, I'm not an artist.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't you listen to her.

Modesty is her middle name.

Isn't it, Mildred?

Mary.

Eva here is the artist.

She's painted this wonderful painting.

What do you think of it?

Light of the bumblebee?

Where's the bee?

I'm the banana.

Why didn't you call it a bowl of fruit?

You see, I told you. I thought the same thing.

That's because you're the artist and she's not.

Eugenia, darling, you must give...

Marge, hear a show immediately.

It will put Washington, D .C. on the map.

That's Mary.

Champagne! Caviar!

No,

no, no. There's not going to be a showing.

Goodbye.

You haven't yet to tell that woman no.

I don't know. Apparently, I haven't said it enough.

Well, Ma, maybe you really are an artist.

Brenda, Eva is the artist.

Poor thing, she's upstairs now, washing out her brushes with her tears.

Oh, Mary, that's depressing. You're making me lose my appetite.

Brenda, pass the greens.

And get the door, sugar.

Hi, Mr. Barlow. Hello, Brenda.

Well, if it isn't the Phantom of 227.

Now, is there any way for the darling of the art world to talk, hmm?

How did you know about that?

It's all over the cultural journals.

Bartley Hayward raves about his newest discovery, Mary Jenkins, the diva of the

dustpan.

And here, I thought you were merely a disagreeable woman in the throes of a

midlife crisis.

Keep it up, and you're going to be in the throes of the in -life crisis.

So, what's up, Julian? Sorry we can't offer you any dinner.

Oh.

Well, I just merely wanted to share your talented spouse's rave reviews. Here,

see for yourself.

Oh, listen to this, honey.

Artfully speaking, by Bartley Haywood.

Not since Andy Warhol's soup can has the art world been privy to such genius.

Mary Jenkins, Washington housewife, has elevated the elements of household

drudgery to glorious works of art.

What does that mean?

It means the guy is nuts.

Lester, Lester, Barney Hayward hates everything.

To get a rave review from him is virtually unheard of. Mary.

I am profoundly impressed.

I know, Julian, but you're the same man who's impressed with acrobatic fleas.

Now, don't take this so lightly.

Julian, all I did was put a bottle on a pedestal. Now, how does that make me an

artist? Well, that's obvious, isn't it?

Uh -oh, Mary, here it comes. Get out the hip boots.

It is not the object itself, but how the object is perceived that creates art.

Well, I can't argue with that.

To you, it's just a bottle of window cleaner.

But to Bartley Hayward, it is a brilliant bottle of window cleaner.

Julian, it's a bottle of window cleaner. I don't care how you spit it.

I think Julian has a point.

You know, I've always suspected that I had artistic flair. Really? Why, in

school, I was able to color between the lines and evenly.

Mary, that was in college.

And remember, Mom, you were even rejected from the draw me

So it was hard to draw that bunny, Brenda.

Mary, it is obvious that Bartley Hayward thinks you have the vision to take

common household products and turn them into artistic masterpieces.

You mean like this?

My God, she's done it again.

What are you doing? This is my dinner.

I'm creating, baby. That's the spirit, Mary.

You are going to make a fortune. But you need someone like me with artistic

expertise to guide you and direct you. And I'll do it all for 15 % of

you make.

Okay, Julian.

You can have your 15 % right now.

Nancy, you have ruined a masterpiece.

Yes. Why don't you just cut up the Mona Lisa?

You can't be falling for... You can't believe that this plate of food and a

ketchup bottle is a work of art. Of course not, honey.

Now it's a work of art.

And what do you call this one, Ms. Jenkins?

Oh, this is absolutely my favorite. I call it Mr.

Potato Masher.

This piece represents woman's struggle against the tyranny of cholesterol.

I never thought of it that way. Well, think of it that way.

Oh, man, can we go now? I've seen most of this stuff in the pantry. Why do I

have to stay here now?

Because you're the husband of the artiste. You have to stay till the end.

This is the end. I'll be waiting in the car.

This is quite a show, don't you think, Pearl?

It's junk.

And if they don't come up with some bigger sandwiches, I'm going to take a

to that meatloaf collage.

Wow, Roland.

This gives me a great sense of the entire Under Arm experience.

You don't touch the art unless you wish to purchase it.

Oh, really?

Well, how much one of these little babies go for?

Yeah, how much?

Roland is listed at $3 ,500.

Oh.

I guess I better double up on the aquavelva.

Eva, Eva, darling, stop working.

You must mingle and meet people. It'll be good for your career.

What career?

I'll never be an artist.

Oh, Eva, you're a wonderful artist. Why, you're almost as good as I am.

Mary, I think we're getting some interest in your nose clippers.

items are left lying and you come out an artist.

Believe me, Eva, I had no idea I was this good.

But I've been studying art all my life and I'm nowhere.

Eva, I think you're making too much of this.

Just consider this one little showing in one little gallery in one little city.

Yeah, I never thought of it like that.

I have exciting news. I have just received word that our local genius in

residence, Mary Jenkins, is going national.

She's been invited to appear on the Joan River Show in Las Vegas, Nevada.

One little showing, huh? And now 50 million...

Oh, Eva, it's only Joan Rivers. It's not like it's BET or PBS.

Oh, this is just the beginning, Mary.

Love date.

Love date.

So, you sure you don't want to double date tomorrow night?

No way.

Hey, wait a minute. Stacy, she's got beautiful eyes, a great personality, a

great body. Her dad's rich. And get this, she's an English teacher.

Dylan, I told you. I don't date women who correct which way my participles

dangle.

I never thought of it that way.

Come on in.

Dylan, I quit the gallery. Were there any jobs on your school's bulletin

Well, only a racer monitor, but I think you're a little overqualified.

Are you sure you don't need another limo driver?

You don't know how to drive either.

Well, you do it.

Art could it be?

Hey, wait a minute. I don't think I like what I'm hearing.

Are you throwing in the towel, giving up, putting away the easel, washing out

your brushes, hanging up the paintings?

Because if you are, Eva, I think you're selling yourself a little short.

And you're a tall woman.

Don't give up, Art.

Art gave me up.

Mary's going on the Joan Rupert show, and I'm going nowhere.

Well, maybe it's not your paintings, but what it is your painting.

Yeah, instead of flowers and fruit, why don't you try something different, like

kids with big eyes or dogs playing poker?

No, I'm never painting again.

Hey, don't give up, Eva.

Look around.

Look around, girl.

It's true there's something crying out, paint me, paint me.

Something the world wants to see.

Eva.

is this going to take?

Well, it usually takes me until I'm finished.

I don't know how those Romans stilled those winters.

I'm getting a draft of my toga.

Hey, Brenda, hurry up!

Joe Rivers is about to introduce your mama!

Yeah, the famous artist is about to come on and snow the rest of the country.

takes her spring cleaning very seriously.

She turns ordinary household objects into art, and she's become the biggest

thing to hit the art world since Elvis hit velvet.

Will you please welcome the diva of the dustpan, Mary Jenkins.

Let me ask you, Mary, just to start out with, when was the first time that you

realized that your art was just catching on all over the country?

Well, when I went to the supermarket and they asked me to autograph their

cassavas.

I'm, you know, I'm a comedian. I'm not much of an artist, let's put it this

In fact, I flunked the, you know, draw me contest.

You too?

Wasn't that bunny hard to draw?

That was a bunny?

Anyhow, we're all very anxious to see your latest... collection, so can we

over and look at it? Okay.

Let's lead the way.

Right?

I just love this shoehorn. What do you call it?

Shoehorn.

It's too deep for me.

Maybe we would have a better understanding of what's going on here if

introduced the man who discovered Mary Jenkins, the remarkable art critic,

Bartley Hayward.

Nice to have you on the show.

Mr.

Hayward, correct me if I'm wrong. You can count on it.

To me, for example, this looks like nothing but a shoehorn.

Oh, no.

Can't you see?

It shows women trying to squeeze it all in.

Marriage, motherhood, career.

I thought it was just like a size 8 trying to squeeze into a size 6 pump,

You know, Joan, that's exactly how I saw it, too, but... Ah.

Then I opened her eyes and revealed her inner soul.

Look, I've got to ask you this question. It's a little stupid, but what's

stopping, like anybody out there in the audience, if they were an average

housewife, why couldn't they just go to the supermarket, find a rump rose, take

a spatula, buy some birthday candles, and call it, sorry, I'm out of cake?

Hey, that's a good idea.

It's a terrible idea.

Please, Mary, I will be the one to decide whether it's good or bad.

Can we move on to the next piece of art here? Now, this looks like just a can of

shaving cream, some bandages, right?

A razor? I mean, what do you call it? Well, I got the inspiration when my

husband cut himself shaving.

I call it in the nick of time.

It represents Mary's deep -seated need to see men suffer unbearable, profound

pain. No, no, no. See, he was in a hurry, and he was late for work, and he

himself shaving.

Mary, it's deeper than that.

Well, actually, that's true. We had to rush him to the hospital for some

stitches.

Come, Mary. All your art represents a subconscious hatred of men.

Is there a shrink in this house?

I mean, is there an art shrink here? Can I get a volunteer from the audience?

Excuse me.

I don't think you know what you're talking about.

Oh, is that so? Well, then, why else would you have taken these eggs and this

egg beater and created a masterpiece of aggression called Beat It?

It was a tribute to Michael Jackson.

Don't be naive.

You may say it was a tribute to the gloved one, but it shows your loathing

your loved one.

What are you talking about? I love my husband.

Excuse me, I think there's a little friction going on here between you and

can of cashews.

Are you suggesting that I'm not what I'm cracked up to be?

No, you're cracked all right.

And I had to be cracked to listen to you in the first place.

You see, Joan, another manifestation of a hatred of men.

I don't hate men.

I just hate this man.

I can't believe I was stupid enough to fall for this bleep bleep critic.

Oh, hi,

Probers Mary.

She's in the kitchen kissing her career goodbye.

Eva. Hi, Mary. I saw you on the Joan Rivers show.

Well, if you saw me, then you saw me make a fool of myself.

Oh, no, you were wonderful.

Bartley Hayward was the fool.

Well, I'm glad you saw it. And I hope you remember never to let a windbag like

that tell you that you don't have talent, because you do.

I know that now.

Good.

That's what I came to tell you.

Eugenia just called. An anonymous patron of the arts bought my latest painting.

No! Yes! See, I told you. That's wonderful.

Everything's working out. I'm an artist again. You always were.

Ah, things are back to normal again.

Hi, Eva. Hi, babe. Oh, hi, honey.

I'm going to wash you up for dinner. What are we having?

Let's see. I call it... Mary.

Lamb chops and mashed potatoes.

Bye, Mary.

Goodbye. Bye, Leslie.

Eva Raleigh original.

I bought it to bolster her confidence.

You paying good money for a picture of Travis dressed up like Nero?

It's not Nero. Eva calls it A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the

Oh, yeah? Well, I got a new title for it. A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to

the Hallway.