Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you're loved, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no

like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with old flame away.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With him, my friends, I know we can try. Cause there's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like home. There ain't no place like home.

I mean, no play child.

This is Atlantic City. Feels like we got trapped inside a giant video game.

Yeah, and we're a bunch of ninja turtles.

Listen to the sound of all that money.

The only sound I want to hear is the voice of Luther Bandro.

Well, we're going to see his concert Sunday, and Travis said he got us great

seats. In Luther's room?

No, Pearl.

Well, it's not that great.

slot machines.

They're like jukeboxes without the music.

I never thought of it that way.

And I'm glad I didn't.

Wow, this place is dense.

Yeah.

It's just like Disneyland.

Yeah, only here you get taken for another kind of ride.

Excuse me, but you can't come into the casino unless you're over 21.

Hey, no problem. Together we're 35.

Ah, sir, it's okay. They're with us, and we'd like to check in now.

Oh, could you take our luggage?

What do I look like, a bellhop?

Mr. Meatline.

Would you take our luggage?

Registration is that way, madam. I am Conrad, the hotel concierge. It is my

to assure that your stay here is a pleasant one.

Oh, well, could you put me up in Luther Bandra's room?

I beg your pardon?

Oh, she's been a fan of Luther since before he was born, child.

Yeah, we brought her here this weekend for his show, for her birthday.

I don't wear my antique diamond brooch just for any singer.

It's the family heirloom. Would you like me to put it in the hotel safe?

As long as I can be in there with it.

Say, Conrad, where can I get a ticket to the fight Sunday night? I'd like to see

Jerry the Bicycle Washington fight Earl the Killer Wales.

Sorry, but it sold the heck out.

Honey, I'm sorry.

It's okay, Mary. I know how to handle this. Say, comrade, what would you say

I slipped you a $100 bill?

I'd say, thank you very much, but you still wouldn't have a ticket.

That was smooth, baby. I mean, smooth.

Look, Mary, don't start, okay?

Why don't you ask Travis Lester? Maybe he can get a ticket from his broker

friend.

Hey. Mary, that's a good idea. I'll see you upstairs.

I should have nabbed him, Rose. I should have. It was clearly a 672, a near

sideswipe. Why did you stop me?

No police work, Warren. Now, you promised me two, count them, two

of rest and romance.

Well, it's hard to be romantic with laws being broken all around me.

But I'll try.

I want this to be a very special weekend for us. A real special weekend.

Good. Maybe this will help.

Did you see where Travis went?

Mm -mm.

Hey, can I interrupt one of those personal moments? Because I can take a

I'm out of here. I'm history. I'm the past. I'm archives.

I'm a Frisbee. I'm a hula hoop. I'm a pet rock. Dylan! Hey,

I can't stay. I've got to go check in anyway.

How you doing, Eva?

These fruit just won't line up.

Maybe they're out of season.

You try.

Oh, Eva, nobody ever wins on these things.

Come on.

Oh.

How can you sit there reading knowing there's a heart -shaped mirror over this

bed?

No, no, baby, I'm reading money.

Listen to this.

The odds in crafts of getting 7 or 11 is 8 in 36.

Mm -hmm. And the odds of me getting any action while your nose is in that book

is about 100 to 1.

I'm going downstairs to watch the bicycle workout.

Have a good time.

I told you, you are too young to be in the casino.

We could lose our life. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. We'll handle this.

Thank you.

Mary, handle this. I'm going downstairs and watch a grown man jump rope.

Call me when he starts jumping double dutch.

To know you're not supposed to be in the casino.

Well, Mrs. Jenkins, we have a chance to win an off -road, four by four, four on

the floor, all -terrain vehicle.

Yeah, all we have to do is put a dollar in that giant slide. machine and yank

our way to the highway.

Well, if there's any yanking to be done, I'll do it. So for the last time, stay

out of the casino.

Well, ma 'am, what are we going to do?

Let's see.

You can stroll on the boardwalk, walk on the boardwalk, run on the boardwalk,

and when you get sick of that, sit on the boardwalk.

Oh, wow, Calvin. This is going to be a real vacation in paradise.

Okay, keep it up. You're going to be part of that terrain that the 4x4 passes

over.

Well, I'm on a hot streak, so I am going to make like some dice and roll.

Hey, Fred.

Check out this heart -shaped mirror over the bed.

Oh, man.

Uh -uh. Uh -uh.

Mary Jenkins ain't no fool, and to leave you here would not be cool.

This is just great. We can't go in the casino. We can't win a car. We can't

in the room. Why'd you bring us? To have fun.

And the lady wins.

Yes!

Ooh, there's Mary over there dicing up the dice table.

Let's go over there and watch her.

No, Rose, I want to find a nice quiet corner somewhere. I've got something

important to tell you.

Oh, you do? Like what, Warren? Like, uh... Like what, Warren? Warren.

Nothing.

Will you excuse me a minute? I forgot to send my grandmother flowers for

Grandmother's Day. I'll be right back. Why don't you watch Mary shoot fast,

okay?

Come on, Papa, because baby needs a new pair of rebounds.

Mary, it's baby needs a new pair of shoes.

Point five, the lady wins.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Mary, are all these chips yours?

Yes, baby.

This game is a snap.

See, all I do is throw these little dice down there, and my number keeps coming

up. Okay, seven come eleven, and don't give me snake eyes. Well, if it isn't

lovely Mary Jenkins throwing craps.

How appropriate.

I said don't give me snake eyes, so they gave me the whole snake.

The point is six.

So, what brings you to Atlantic City, Julian, the evil landlord's convention?

Actually, I'm here for the tussle of the muscle, the big fight.

Yeah, I ran into Julian down at the training session.

What's he training for, the nasty weight division?

Eight, easy.

All right.

Mary, guess what? Julian owns Buy a Stick of Washington.

Yes, he's my pugilistic investment that's going to return me big dividends.

Ha, well, these little cookies do the same thing for me, and I don't have to

feed them.

Six, a winner.

Mary,

if you're winning, why don't you quit while you're ahead?

Are you crazy? Quit.

I'm hot. I'm on a roll, baby.

Shoot. Now, watch me sizzle.

Give me my money, honey.

It's a winner.

Wait up, Julia.

That's right, baby. If you can't stand the heat, get out the kitchen.

Looks like you're on a winning streak.

Well, don't talk to her. You'll give her bad luck.

Wouldn't want to do that.

an annoying person.

Damn,

he got away.

Now remember, we're really old. You're 25 and I'm 27.

Right. Now there's the slot machine. We're only 30 feet away from our all

-terrain vehicle.

Excuse me, folks.

Would you like a complimentary glass of milk before I throw you out?

Nope.

Check it again.

The name's Fillmore.

There's supposed to be ten tickets in there for Luther Vandross' dinner show

Sunday night.

What agency did you say you dealt with?

Well, it wasn't exactly an agency. It was more like an independent broker.

Yeah, the guy kind of works out of a phone booth, per se, as such.

His name is Sidney the Slug. Oh, well, that explains it. Mr. the Slug is out of

business. He's now with the Witness Protection Program.

But I promised my friends ten feet, and Travis Fillmore never goes back on his

word. What about a ticket to the fight?

I'd love one, thanks.

Man, what am I going to do?

Pearl and everybody's going to be real disappointed.

Hey, wait a minute.

I'm saved!

I can win that contest!

Oh, no, you don't. Oh, yes, I do.

Hey, baby, let's not go out to dinner tonight.

Why don't you call room service and tell them to bring up the fish because I got

the chip.

Beginner's luck. If you were smart, you'd put that money away before the

wins it back.

Oh. Look, most of these games are stacked in favor of the casino. How else

they afford a heart -shaped mirror over the bed?

Hey, this is Moneybags Mary.

Y 'all ready for dinner? Yeah, just wait till I collect my chips.

Good, because Warren has made reservations at Barnacle Bill's Bim Bam

In that case, all we need is one chip.

Looks like I won't be needing this time.

And remember, after dinner, we ditch these guys so we can have that special

moment alone.

Oh, good.

I will order dessert.

17. 17. Do you love me? Ow!

Ow! Give me 17. I got my routine.

Now? I got my routine. Come on.

Give me back my vent.

Come here.

Let me hear it. All right. Here we go.

I tell you, I get no respect.

The other day, I called the suicide prevention hotline, and they put me on

You can't do that joke that's surrounding Dangerfield. For what? I

than he does.

Gotta win those Luther Vandross tickets for Pearl. What do you got to do with

your own material?

Oh, do I have to?

I'm on vacation.

Travis, have you got my Luther Vandross tickets?

I want to sleep with them under my pillow. Huh?

Oh, Pearl, that's a bad idea.

You sleep with them under your pillow, and you'll have a nightmare.

And you'll start sweating. And the tickets will get wet.

And all the print will wash off, and you'll be left with a couple of blank

stubs.

You didn't get them yet, did you?

A mere technicality, birthday gal. You're going to be sitting so close to

Vandross, they'll ask you to sing backup.

And I know you will.

describe the brooch?

Well, you've seen it already. It looks just like any other brooch, except it

mine.

Pearl, I think he could use a few more details than that.

Oh, it belonged to my great -grandmother.

Well, that narrows it down, doesn't it? Sounds like a routine 604 to me.

Ah, been watching reruns of Hill Street Blues, have we?

Does this look like a TV to you?

Now, Warren, you told me no police work.

I'm sorry. It's a reflex.

Miss Shea, the Neptune Hotel staff apologizes for this brooch breach.

If you don't find my brooch, I can tell you what you can do with that staff.

Believe me, you have our complete sympathy, and we'll make every effort to

recover your brooch.

Doesn't look good, does it?

No. We've had a rash of robberies in the past two weeks. We think someone is

working the hotel.

I'll keep an eye out.

They were trying to sneak into the casino again.

Well, young ladies, just what do you have to say for yourself?

You want more towels?

You heard of the Midas touch? This is called the Mary touch.

Yeah, you're touched all right. Mary, you've been at this table over three

hours. Now, this gambling is a fever, a disease, a sickness.

You know, baby, I think you're right.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to take two chips and call you in

the morning.

Hey, Bicycle, how you doing?

Just had a great workout.

Took a great shower.

Used some great underarm deodorant. I smell great.

Lester Jenkins, how would you like the chance of a lifetime?

What are the odds?

I knew we should have gone to Epcot, Santa.

Okay, Julian, what's the deal? Lester, how would you like to own a part of a

bicycle? What part? The seat of the handlebars.

All right, Julian, how much is it going to cost me? Well, how can one put a

price tag on such a magnificent athlete?

That much, huh?

Hey, boss, I'm going to go put some quarters in the nickel machine.

I think the bicycle's missing a few spokes.

Au contraire, Mary.

That bicycle is in excellent condition. Unfortunately, it's my finances that are

in need of training wheels.

I should take too many risks, Julian.

Double my bets.

There's still more.

Make me laugh.

All right.

Good evening, ladies and germs.

I like it. I like it a lot. I like everything but the good evening, ladies

germs. That I don't...

Carson in no time.

Carson? Johnny Carson?

Maybe you should shoot for Sajak.

Whoever, whoever.

All right, all right, here we go.

This is a good one, this is a good one. All right. Why did the fool throw the

clock out the window?

Give up?

Because he wanted to see time fly.

Um, comedy check.

Um, you know, I think you're missing one small element that could be very

important to stand -up comedy. It's not that you're not funny.

It's just that you're not funny.

What? Me?

The jokes? The delivery?

Yes. I think we should go upstairs to the room and just do the clock from

scratch. The window I love, the clock I'm not crazy about, the flying, the

flying I could get into.

Warren?

Oh, sorry.

There you go.

Thank you.

Rose. Yes, Warren?

There's something I've been wanting to ask you.

Yes?

Just a minute.

Play something soft, sexy, and for five bucks.

I'd love to.

The

first

time.

We've been dating for a while now.

Three months, one week, four days, 17 hours, and four minutes.

Approximately.

Don't you think that, I mean, we're really good together, and I really... I

just figured if we, you know... Darn it, Rose.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

Yes? Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh, Warren.

It's beautiful.

So are you.

I love you.

I love you.

Well, let's go show them now.

Oh, okay.

Oh!

Rose.

Why don't you go show Mary, and I'll tip the piano player. I'll be right there.

Okay. Okay? Okay.

Hi, gorgeous.

Are we all alone tonight?

Not anymore.

Can I buy you a drink?

Looks like my luck is better here than in the casino.

Maybe you haven't been playing the right game.

So, are you in town on business or pleasure?

Definitely pleasure.

I'm on vacation.

Well, what do you do for a living?

I'm a librarian.

Well, it just so happens I always carry my library card with me.

Then you'll have a chance to check me out.

Well, what are we waiting for? I'm already overdue.

What room are you in?

512.

I'll be waiting.

Look at this great one -loss record. I'd be crazy not to invest in this guy.

Lester Jenkins, there are far more important things going on in this hotel

that tricycle person.

Bicycle, bicycle.

Whatever.

Do you know that Warren Merriweather is a low -down, two -timing, no -good

cheat? Mary, I think the salt water started to turn your brain into taffy.

Everybody knows Warren's a nice guy.

Oh, yeah?

Then why was he sneaking into a hotel room with some sweet... sleazy young

librarian. I don't know. Maybe he's a member of the Book of the Month Club.

He is. He's reading bedtime stories.

Look, Mary, maybe it was somebody who looks like Warren.

Ha! How many seven -foot folks have you seen walking around this hotel?

All right, all right. Even if you're right, don't go poking your nose around

where it doesn't belong.

Let's just think this. Rose Holloway is my friend. I am not going to let her go

through a relationship thinking it has the future when he has some chick on the

side.

you have to say can wait. Warren and I are getting married.

And Lester, oh, Lester, we want you to be our best man.

And Mary, my dearest, closest, most wonderful friend in the whole wide

want you to be my matron of honor.

I'm so happy. I'm so excited.

What do you want to tell me?

It can wait.