Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame away.

No, no. Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With him, run my friends out. No, we can't try. Cause there's no place like

home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like. Fair enough to be there. There ain't no place

like. Fair enough.

There's no place like home.

I mean, no place like home.

Oh, Oscar, thank you for a charming and deliciously expensive evening.

I've never seen caviar served in a tub before.

I think nothing of it. I love showering a beautiful woman with whatever her

heart desires.

Oh, goody. Well, next time I'll just skip the fish egg and I'll buy a villain

inside the friend.

You know, it's not often a man finds such a delightful combination of beauty

wit. I know.

See?

I told you we'd make it.

Yeah!

This car is such a wreck, we had trouble pushing it downhill.

I can't believe I let you talk me into investing in this thing. Will you quit

complaining? I'm letting you in on the ground floor of my new expanded limo

fleet. Limo, excuse me, reality check.

This looks more like a garbage scowl dipped in Pepto -Bismol.

All it needs is a new coat of paint, some new upholstery, a new radio, a new

conditioner, some new tires, and a new engine.

And it'll be as good as new.

Then it will be new.

It will be as good as broke.

Bye, Thunder.

Bye, Thunder.

Now,

where... were we?

You know, there's a lot I want to know about you.

Yeah? Well, just pretend I'm an encyclopedia and you're an Evelyn Wood

read.

Oh, my God!

What do you call that?

Well, I used to call it a date, but it turned into the gong show.

No, no, no. I mean that eyesore. Wait, let me guess. The odd couple, Tweedledum

and Tweedledummer?

Well,

I'm going to tell him it's got to go.

I mean, just the thought of it in daylight makes me nauseous.

Oh, you kids carry on.

That's what we're trying to do.

You know, after

only one very crowded date, I've grown extremely fond of you.

You're a man of impeccable taste.

But there's one thing I've learned about myself and women.

You like him, I hope.

No, I'm crazy about him.

But you see, I like powerful career women. You see, there's something strong

passionate about a woman in command.

You know, a woman who's a real mover and a shaker. I got the moves that'll make

you shake.

Well, before I proceed to sweep you off your feet, drape you in diamonds, and

make you happier than your wildest dreams.

I have to know what you do for a living.

Uh, uh, well, I'm glad you asked me that.

I'm on the verge of a big career move.

Really? Mm -hmm. Well, perhaps you could give me a hint.

Well, no, it's still a top secret.

Oh, come on. You can tell me. Come on.

No, I can't.

Yes.

You're more intriguing than I thought.

I can't wait to find out all about it.

Yeah, me too.

Okay, ladies, now today we are going to have our tea with lemon and sugar and no

Gotham. Mm -hmm.

There's nothing worse than a bunch of busybodies poking their nose in other

people's business.

Right? Right.

Right.

So what about that Sandra?

Did you see that fine, bland soul she hooked last night?

Oh, well, she's always got some rich hunk wrapped around her little finger.

It was more than a little finger he was wrapped around.

Mary, it's your beloved landlord.

Oh, Lord, just when you thought it was safe to open the door.

Julian!

Who is it, Mary?

Larry Curley.

sir. Just the man we're looking for. Read the files and tools.

I'm a contractor and I don't lend my tools.

We need your help to resuscitate that pink monstrosity that these two brain

surgeons parked in front of my stoop.

Wait a minute. That's yours?

That 63 Cadillac's a classic.

Always wanted to work on a car like that. It's got hydraulic brakes and a V8

engine. And from the looks of it, high is dead and V8 is out of juice.

Sactamundo. And I want to state for the record that I have been victimized,

cruelly sucked into a life of financial ruin by this man's delusions of limo

grandeur. Mary, that's the same kind of car I courted you in.

No, it's not. It was a 49 Ford.

So who did you court in a 63 Cadillac?

Wait till I get my tools out of my truck. I'll have that Cadillac run like

fool.

Okay, ladies, so who were we raking over the coals?

you over the head with a sledgehammer.

You don't understand. I found my perfect man, Oscar St. Clair. He's a cosmetic

tycoon. I want to marry him. I want him to be the father of my jewelry.

He was a powerful career woman, so that means I have to become president of a

corporation by next week.

Sandra, would you stop being ridiculous?

You can't be the president of a corporation in a week. Even Lee Iacocca

as a vice president.

Right, Sandra.

I mean, you should want a career to please yourself, not the man.

Rose, now you talking crazy.

What did she do, sleep through the women's movement?

Sandra, the whole point of the women's movement was for women to determine

own careers.

You know, Mary, you're right. I'm going to determine my own.

I'm going to get my man.

Mm -hmm. Just call me Sandra Iacocca.

P -T -P -T -N -D.

One moment, please.

P -T -P -T -N -D. One moment, please.

P -T -P -T -N -D. One moment, please.

P -T -P -T -N -D. One moment, please.

P -T -P -T -N -D.

I'm sorry, Mr. Bennett's in a meeting.

I know you've called five times. One moment, please.

P -T -P -T -N -D.

Which is some decaf.

You call that a perfume campaign? I say it stinks.

If we don't cinch that account by tomorrow, you'll all be back in the

looking stiff.

Who are you? Where's my secretary?

Oh, well, if you mean that mouthy little creature with the nervous condition,

she quit.

But I'm signed to Clark, and I'm here to apply for a job.

Well, I'm Zach Bennett. I'm the head of this agency, and if you can answer

phones, you're hired.

I want to be a vice president, like it says here in your ad.

Oh, really?

Well, why don't you start by answering the phone? No, no, no, no, no!

Now I have to be a vice president.

Ambition. I like that in an underling.

Show me you know your way around the phone, and you'll be on your way to the

in no time.

Okay, honey, here's your flapjack. Good, I'm starved.

So, who was the chick in the picture three Cadillac?

Come on, man. All right.

Her name was Betty Lou Hamilton. She was a five -foot -three brick house, and

I'm still seeing her. Now, can I have my breakfast?

No. Go over there and let Betty Lou flip your dress.

Now, who in the world is that?

I don't know, but I'll take these while you find out.

I think it's the library police.

It's me, Assange.

This is my new executive image for my new job.

How do I look?

Like you've been hit by a Brooks Brothers truck.

You think you found a job your first day out?

You're looking at the soon -to -be vice president.

You mean Quail Quinn?

No, Mary.

I'm going to be the VP of BGPT &D advertising. advertising agency just as

as I convince my new boss, Mr. Bennett, about my wonderful idea for a perfume

campaign. You want to hear?

No.

Insanity. One drop will drive him crazy.

That's pretty good, Sandra, but are you sure you want to get mixed up in big

business? It's a real dog -eat -dog world.

You heard her, honey. She said insanity.

It'd be perfect for her.

I'm willing to suffer the slings and arrows of the outrageous Fortune 500 for

man like Oscar.

Oh, well, I gotta go.

Don't fax me. I'll fax you.

It doesn't look like Sandra, but it sounds like her, smells like her, and

like her.

No, it moves like Benny Lou Hamilton.

BGPT &D?

No, no, no. He's not here.

BGPT &D?

No, G ain't here. You want to talk to D?

D, B, T, T, and D?

What? No, I never heard of the guy.

Uh, uh, K, G, B. Oh, I know!

Oh, oh, Mary.

Oh, it's you.

No, I haven't had a chance to even tell Mr. Bennett about my idea yet. But I

will the first chance I get.

Yeah. Oh, looks like my chance is coming now. Bye.

Miss Clark.

have a wonderful idea for your perfume campaign.

You want to hear? No. Good. I call it insanity.

One drop will drive him crazy.

I hate it.

So that means you'll think about it? Miss Clark, I'm expecting a very

client for lunch. I want you to buzz me the minute he gets here. His name is

Oscar St. Clair.

Oscar St.

Clair? Oh, never mind. Here he comes out.

But you were wearing glasses.

Yeah, I only use them when I have to find my contact list.

Zach. Tucker.

Always punctual.

Well, I'm going lunch now with Mr. St. Clair to discuss his new perfume

campaign. Who are you talking to, Zach?

My secretary.

What is she doing under the desk?

Starting at the bottom.

the Roach -o -matic storyboards on your desk. Please be sure they get taken back

to my office.

No problem, I'm here.

No problem.

Uh, goodbye.

I look forward to meeting the rest of you later.

Yeah. Bon appétit.

I should have something like this.

Nick Smith.

Cancel my power lunch, gas up my jet, and get me Lee Iacocca.

Hello, cocky honey.

Vice President Simon Sinclair here.

Yeah, I loved your book.

I would have buzzed you sooner, but I've been busy with that leverage buyout

campaign, you know.

AT &T and Perrier.

So this is your big career move. You're the new vice president of BGPTND.

Congratulations.

Yeah, thanks.

It was a long, hard climb, but I finally made it.

What's going on here?

Mr. Bennett.

Miss Clark, there better be a good explanation for this.

Right now.

Not good enough.

Well, then, uh, how about this? Somebody came in here and left all the Chinese

food on your desk, and I thought of a wonderful new campaign for a 24 -hour

Chinese restaurant called, uh, Walk Around the Clock.

Oscar,

you know my secretary?

Your secretary?

You mean your new vice president, don't you?

Oscar, I promise you, that woman is definitely not my new vice president.

Oscar, now, wait a minute. I can explain everything, but just listen. I got a

new idea for your perfume account. Listen.

Instead... Insanity.

One drop will drive him crazy.

I love it.

It's a winner, right? It'll knock Chanel No. 5 right out of the top ten. I know.

That's Zach's idea. He told me at lunch.

What?

Insanity was my idea.

Is there any truth to this, Zach?

Oscar, do you think a man of my reputation would stoop to steal from a

secretary?

Oscar, I'm telling the truth.

Now, I thought of it first. Oh, now, come on, Oscar.

How can you believe her? She's lied to you once already.

That's right, you did, Sandra.

You know, I'm very disappointed in you.

I don't know what's happening to people lately.

How do they get ripped off?

I thought you'd been banging on this thing for two days.

Your time's up, Vinnie. Tore it away.

Right. Oh, Julian, keep your stuffed shirt on. We almost got this sucker

started. Travis, get in the car.

Face it, gentlemen. This affront to the city of Detroit has made its final U

-turn. Stripped its last gears. It's going to that great scrap metal dealer

the sky.

And you are going to eat a crow sandwich.

This sucker is ready to roll.

Gentlemen, start your engine.

I ain't got all day.

I don't understand. What could have happened? Did you guys do everything

told you to do? Do the letter. Right, Dylan? Yeah. Except there is this one

small mystery part.

That's the head gasket.

Is it important?

Not anymore.

I bet it tore away.

You got it.

Can I get a ride with you?

Yeah, sure.

Hop in the truck. Oh, not in the truck. In the caddy.

63 was a very good year.

And then you know what she said?

You know what she said? What?

She said that he called her a liar right to her face. No.

Yes. That pinheaded, pinstriped piranha.

I told her that you should have been there. You could have punched his lights

out. Something tells me I'm glad I missed it.

Sandra must have been so upset.

Yeah, she was.

But you know Sandra, she'll bounce back like a tennis ball.

She must have broke her tennis racket.

Sandra, you look terrible.

Don't try to cheer me up, Lester.

I'm so depressed, I feel like I'm in an Ingmar Bergman film.

Now, Sandra, it's not that bad.

So what if you lost a good job?

A rich, handsome, eligible bachelor.

Your last shred of self -respect.

What? Don't help him.

I think you ladies better give this up. Sandra, I warned you about those

corporate guys. They're vicious.

They'll stab you in your back right in front of your nose.

I guess I shouldn't have lied about being an executive, because now I've

Oscar, too.

Don't feel bad.

Not everybody wins an Oscar.

Look at it this way.

At least you have your health, your apartment, your eye makeup.

You know, Mary, you're right. I'm not cut out to be an executive. I'm just

old ordinary Sandra Q public just like you guys.

You're not cut out to be a diplomat either.

I'm just going to forget about my executive ambition and just hang out

We'll do needlepoint, we'll watch the soaps, and we'll discuss casserole.

I'll be right back. I'm going to go put on something frumpy.

Did I hear Frumpy say she was going to hang out with us?

Now I'm depressed.

Mary, what are we going to do?

What are we going to do? We're going to get her back in that rat race. That's

what we're going to do. And we can start by helping her get even with that Mr.

Bennett. How dare he trample all over our dear friend and then dump on us.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, this campaign is not just about selling

It's the key to the battle of the sectors.

It's the secret of Adam and Eve.

It's romance, danger, lust, insanity!

That, I love it. You're a genius.

Where do I sign? I've got the contracts right here.

Stop the meeting! Stop the meeting at once!

Come! How dare you try to sell this perfume campaign?

Who are you?

Who am I?

Who is she?

By Jove, where have you been living the last decade? In a trailer park?

This is La Belle Josephine, the Grand Dame of European perfumedom,

and her esteemed assistant, La Toya.

my shorthand. And I am a litigious attorney, Whittington, Harrington,

Barrington. Wait a minute. Excuse me. Madame Josephine, just what is the

problem? Why can't we use this campaign?

Pourquoi?

Because this prevaricator, this charlatan is, how you say, how you say,

dirt bag.

Oui. This dirt bag.

He steals his insanity from me.

Insanity has been in our family for years.

This is outrageous.

Zack, what is going on here? I have no idea. This woman is obviously lying.

I have spent millions on this perfume campaign, and I can prove

it.

Presenting my most famous model, all the way from Paris, Miss Insanity herself,

the famous...

Chartreuse!

I met him on a Monday.

He proposed on Tuesday.

I refused him on Wednesday.

And Saturday, I got a note from the foreign agent.

Insanity. One drop will drive him crazy.

Yes, yes.

Another satisfied customer.

Uh, how did these people know your whole campaign?

Oh, well, is it obvious? Uh, coincidence.

No, industrial espionage.

Martha, fire everybody.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You do not get off that easy, greasy.

I will sue the both of you.

Are you taking this down?

thing is off. I cannot risk a lawsuit.

Good choice, young man. You don't call me Pitbull Barrington for nothing.

She can't sue me anyway.

Sue my ex -secretary. She said it was her idea.

Miss Clark?

Yeah, remember me?

Then who are you?

I'm Mary Jenkins, this is Rose Holloway, and this is Julian C. Barlow. We're

tired of you big business bullies pushing us around, and we're not going

it anymore.

Tell her like it is, Mary.

Come on, everybody, let's get out of here. Now I know what B -G -P -T -N -D

really stands for.

Big, greedy, pompous, tightwad, dirtbag.

Dirtbags!

Here's my card.

Greedy is my specialty.

Oh, Sandra, wait, wait, wait, Sandra, look.

There's been a terrible misunderstanding.

A veritable comedy of errors.

Yeah, and you're the joker. How dare you take the word of that man or of a woman

who worshipped the grounds that your mansion was built on.

That's it for you, Buster. I never want to see your face again.

Wait a minute, Sandra. Now, you can't mean that.

I'll make it up to you.

I do, you can't, and we are not.

So you and your good looks and your diamond -studded lifestyle can just go

a hike.

Oscar, wait.

I have another idea. I think this one's mine.

That was great.

Oh, Sunder, we're so proud of you. Oh, you bet we are. What for?

Well, you gave up a handsome man and a luxurious life just to regain yourself.

principle before pleasure.

Yeah.

I did.