Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Those times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame away.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I know we can try. Cause there's no place like

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like, there ain't no place like.

I mean, no play child.

Honey,

are you sure you're going to be all right this weekend all by yourself?

Mary, this is the ideal weekend for me to get some work done. I probably won't

even notice your butt is gone.

Well, you better take a good look, because it'll be changed when I come

I am going to have an ideal weekend, too.

Two whole days of being pampered. Well, I just wish I could find my calculator.

Oh, I saw Brenda with it in the kitchen this morning, just before she went over

to Cousin Louisa's.

Uh -huh.

Man, why didn't you let me fix that disposal?

That landlord doesn't know his ass got from his elbow joint.

Well, I have finally located the problem with your garbage disposal.

Well, even a blind squirrel can locate a nut nine, then.

Well, what's wrong with that disposal?

It might conceivably have something to do with...

This.

My new calculator.

And in the future, Lester, if you wish to dispose of your appliances, well,

kindly do not do it in my appliances.

Mary, would you tell your daughter not to do her homework and fix lunch at the

same time, please?

Are we ready to go?

Golden Grotto Beauty Spa, here we come.

Yes, yes, yes. We are going to be rubbing elbows with the cream of the

Washington elite.

Where are you going, to jail?

Oh, Rose, it is so sweet of you to treat us to the beauty spa, and for a whole

weekend. Well, Mary, you know, ever since I sold the building, I said to

self, I just love that.

No, but seriously, what good is having money if you can't share it with your

friends?

You know, you got a good heart, Rose.

Let me have $50 ,000.

Mary, we're going to have so much fun.

Maybe.

Or maybe not.

I can't decide which one of these bikinis to take, and I can't take them

don't have both.

Bikini?

I swatted fries bigger than that.

Well, forgive me. I think I have room for them in my pill box.

Now, do you mean you aren't packed yet?

According to the Washington Redskins, I am.

But I brought along a few things in there. Oh, careful with that sugar now.

Not too heavy for you.

Baby, I can't move this thing another inch.

Not even for me.

I'll be so grateful.

Are you sure you're not going to miss me this weekend?

Huh?

I'm just too broken up to deal with.

Well, let's get this show on the road. Pearl, you ready?

Yeah, except I don't like the idea of a lot of strangers looking at me naked.

Don't worry about it, Pearl. They probably won't like it either.

Must be the Holloway party.

I'm Courtney Cabot Blair of the Georgetown Cabot Blairs. That's

But of course it is.

Welcome to the Golden Grotto, where our motto is... We have no motto. Our

establishment speaks for itself.

much about your wonderful spa with these.

Oh, yes.

We have the smoothest roughage in town.

For instance, today's lunch consists of fermented beet juice cocktail,

wheatgrass salad, and our famous tofu rutabaga surprise.

Speaking of lunch, where are the men?

What does lunch have to do with men?

If I have to tell you, honey, you're not as hyphenated as you think.

Hi, guys.

I'm Peggy Ann Garrison, and I'm the physical trainer who's been assigned to

bodies. I'm Pearl Shade.

And your first assignment is to get this body a cheeseburger.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go see if the quails have arrived.

Oh, the vice president?

No, dinner.

We're having quail yogurt.

All right. Now, here are the rejuvenating treatments I strongly

your particular physiques.

And not a moment too soon.

Now, remember, it can be easy or it can be rough. I like mine rough.

Now, we have the peach pit full body scraping.

The seaweed and sheep placenta mummy wrap.

No pain, no gain, deep tissue massage.

Hogan, what do you have that doesn't fold, spindle, or mutilate?

Yeah, we were thinking about something along the lines of a nice, relaxing

jacuzzi. Oh, one of those French pedicures, you know, the kind with some

hunk fancy with a tomfrog?

Then I assume you won't be competing in the makeover beauty contest.

Beauty contest?

You can start engraving my name on that trophy right now.

Oh, we don't give trophies.

Whichever contestant our judges choose as the best makeover of the weekend will

win a complete exercise wardrobe.

Count me out. I saw those sweatpants when we came in.

And be on the cover of the Golden Grotto International Magazine.

Uh, I'll pass.

And a cash prize of $1 ,500.

Uh, sign me up for that mummy wrap.

I'll take the Mike Tyson massage.

Give me one of those peach pit jobs.

I still want a cheeseburger.

All right,

let me see if I got everything.

My peristriker beach towel.

Very eclectic choice.

My industrial strength radio, in case you run into any sucker MCs.

Sunblock, $1 ,400.

Woo!

Yo, Dylan, guess what I found in the back of my limo?

A picnic basket.

Wrong beach, man.

Puppies. Good thing. We're going to make out at the beach like bandits. Women

love puppies.

Check it out.

A baby.

Good move.

Women love babies even better.

I'm wrapped so tight I feel like a wiener.

I wish you was.

You know, I don't know why they have to pipe that New Age stuff in here.

I don't know about y 'all.

Shoot, the sound the whales make don't do it for me.

Then you really won't like their video.

Oh, pal, I just want to thank you for taking me out for that wonderful steak

lobster lunch.

Wait a minute. You're supposed to be up to your lips in beach bits.

Oh, I canceled that so I could go to lunch with Harold. He's crazy about me.

Harold, Harold, come here, Harold. Well, you don't want to see me. Well, I want

you to meet Mary Jenkins, Rose Holloway, and Pearl Shack, my older, less

attractive friend.

So nice to meet you.

Harold.

What a coincidence.

You know, that was Sandra's name before she went to Denmark for the operation.

I've canceled my pine sap face pack so you can help me with my acceptance

speech. What can I say?

Acceptance speech?

Sandra Clark, you haven't even had one of your treatments.

Ah, didn't I mention that Terrell is one of the judges?

Sandra Clark, you big cheater, come back here.

You win your way, I win mine.

Ten loads of concrete plus labor, five loads of sand.

Yo, Lester. What is it, Travis? I'm busy.

I know, but actually, I was wondering, you're in the construction business.

Do you have any real big safety pins I could borrow?

No, Travis. Oddly enough, we still use nails in the construction business.

Then can I borrow a cup of talcum powder?

Talcum powder? What do you think this is, a drugstore?

Well, then I guess the diaper's out of the question.

Wait a minute.

Safety pins?

Talcum powder?

Diapers?

Travis!

Yeah, that's the baby, all right.

Yeah, we noticed.

I stopped to get a Slurpee, and when I came back to my limo, there was this

with a baby attached to it.

Please take care of my baby.

I've got no place to live, no job, and I can't raise Janie on the streets.

See that she has a good home and tell her I love her.

So what are we going to do now?

I think we're past the boiling water part.

Well, I suggest you call the police.

Why? So they can bust it for drooling.

It's going to be okay. The police know how to handle these things.

I think he's right.

Good. I'm glad we got that settled.

The last time I saw a little thing that cute, it was mine.

I'll see you later. All right.

Hello, police.

Can I have the baby department?

I don't care what Lester says. That baby is not doing time.

Well, I think we should do what's right for the baby.

What if her mother changes her mind and decides to come back?

Why can't we just keep her till Monday?

I guess we could, but you know the landlord.

No babies, no pets, no Elvis impersonators.

But he's not gonna find out.

It'll be a piece of cake.

Besides, how much trouble can a little baby be?

I played doctor before, but never like this.

Disengage adhesive.

Adhesive disengage.

Open flap.

Flap open.

Ew!

Here, dispose of this in the nearest nuclear waste dump.

Dispose.

It's a real fashion statement.

What is it? The baggy look.

Oh, no.

Now what?

You think she's hungry?

No, she hardly touched that pastrami sandwich I gave her.

Klingon?

Babies don't just eat pastrami sandwiches.

You gotta strain it first.

That's why I bought this baby formula.

My little pudgy -woodgy, pudgy -woodgy, pudgy

-woodgy!

I got wedgies when I should have pudgies.

Oh, no.

If she keeps this up, Barlow's going to make us get rid of her.

It's cost a drastic measure.

You don't mean the Duke.

Bingo.

Let's hit it.

Two, three, four.

Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl. Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl. Duke, Duke.

again to my favorite part. Quick, we gotta hide the kid.

What on earth was that

dreadful noise?

It sounded like a cat having a root canal.

Yeah, it was.

Fluffy's fine now, so thanks for dropping by.

What is that, the Novocaine wearing off?

Won't your laundry require a snorkel for the rent cycle?

You know, it's a perfectly good explanation as to why this baby...

not the least bit interested.

And we've kindly removed that catawalling creature from my premises

have you both evicted.

But we can't. Because this baby's already been abandoned once today.

Just look. No.

Look how cuddly she is. Oh, no.

Is he so crazy about you, Junior?

I'm not a baby person.

Hey, she has your eyes.

You really think so?

Beautiful eyes, don't you think?

Never mind, never mind, never mind that. What's that baby still doing here?

Killing time till puberty.

I told you guys to call the police. Well, it's a moot point at this moment

this adorable child presents a problem that requires your expertise.

Don't tell me she wants to build a mini mall.

Mr. Jenkins, could you please help us figure out why she keeps crying?

We've tried everything.

We rocked her, we cuddled her. Well, what makes you think I can get the baby

stop crying?

Here, here, here.

Well, you know, I still have to touch.

I'll give you $10 for a cheeseburger.

Holloway party.

Break time.

Oh, thank goodness.

I was about to lay down and wait for the paramedics.

Break's over.

If I was in better shape, I'd walk up her face and down her back.

$20.

Time for the avocado experience.

Come, ladies.

Avocado experience?

What is she talking about? Who knows?

If it's anything like yesterday, we'd probably eat the skins and line up so

can throw the pits at us.

I'll give you a fruitcake for Christmas.

Well, this has got to be the biggest bowl of guacamole in the world.

Yeah, and we're the chips.

This is without a doubt the second most disgusting thing I've ever done in my

life. Hope don't ask me.

Do you know the only treatment Sandra Clark has had since she's been here is a

pedicure?

That's probably because that little judge has a foot fetish.

Well, this is Mr.

Trevor, the Golden Grotto beauty consultant.

He's going to help you with your hair and makeup.

Don't we look delicious?

You know, personally, I think they need to marinate a little longer, you know. I

told you there wasn't much there to work with.

All right, Simon, that's it. You have just crossed over into the dead zone.

wait, now, Mary, now, now, relax. Now, take it easy. This is one of Mr.

latest designs.

Don't do something you'll be sorry for.

I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry.

Yeah.

And to prove it, let's shake

on it.

Yeah, well. Nah, nah. You gonna splat me. Get off. You married. I'm not gonna

splat.

treat in turquoise, Sandra Clark.

Our judges have made their decision.

Oh, now the moment you've been waiting for.

The winner of this year's makeover contest, Miss Golden Grotto, the

lovely...

your weekend.

I get it. Maybe it's abandoned nanny.

Great. That time we slept almost ten minutes.

I'm looking for Travis Fillmore.

First there were folk masses.

Now they're making house calls.

I'm Travis Gilmore.

Oh, Janie.

Janie, is that you?

Oh, thank goodness I found you. Please forgive me. I'll never leave you again.

Let me guess. This must be the mother.

All right. I knew it. I knew you'd come back.

How'd you find her?

I took a business card from the limo.

I guess deep down I knew I couldn't really give her up.

Well, what are you going to do now? Your note said you had no place to live.

Well, Father Gabay spoke to my sister. She said that we can stay with her until

I get a job.

What happens next time things get rough?

She has help now.

She's not alone anymore.

I was just so desperate.

I did what I thought was best for Janie.

But now I know the best thing for her is her mother.

Well, I have a feeling you're going to work things out fine now.

Yeah.

Hey, how would you and Janie like to ride back to your sister's house and

You mean in the limo? Oh, yeah.

Gee, thanks.

All right, let's go.

Where does she live?

Chicago.

Bring me back a club size.

You know, Janie really has beautiful eyes.

Well,

Lester, you know, we have just shared a very unique experience. Yeah, kind of

like one of those male bonding things Oprah's always talking about.

It kind of could lead to a beautiful friendship.

No.