Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with old flame away.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I know we can fly. Cause there's no place like

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you're loved, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like that. There ain't no place like that. Cause

there ain't no place like that.

I mean, no place, child.

Hi,

honey. Hi, Lester.

Hi, Lester.

Yo!

Mary, where are your scissors?

In my sewing kit. Why?

Because if all those packages are yours, I'm going to cut up your credit card.

Would you be laughing? We were just helping Rose do some shopping.

I wasn't. These are the moves.

You know, shopping's a lot more fun now than I can afford to buy things I don't

need.

You can buy me a gold watch. I know you don't need that.

Oh, there they go making that racket again.

What? I said they're making that racket again.

Well, ain't that now you are.

Honey, can't you do something about that man?

You mean the Phantom of 227?

Look, Mary, I worked on that penthouse for two weeks. He sent me my check. I

never laid eyes on him. He sends you money and you never have to see it?

Sounds like the perfect man.

Ava, just the person I want to see.

Mary, I have something to tell you. And I have something to tell you. Why

haven't you been able to get the landlord to fix anything around here?

something? No.

I mean, all the invisible man has done is raise our rent, and for what?

so he can have a posh pad with a picture -perfect view of the Potomac while

we're down here and our apartments are going to pot and you are doing

nothing about it. But, Mary, I've been fired.

He fired you?

And after the terrific job you've been doing?

Listen, I just came. Now I won't have my rent -free apartment anymore and I'll

have to move back to Texas.

Oh, Eva, that's a shame.

But I can move in with you and Lester again.

We have a bus schedule around here.

Okay, babe.

I'm off to my meeting.

Honey, Barlow fired Eva.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

I can move in with you.

Mary, where's that bus schedule?

Honey, now this is the last straw.

Wait a minute.

You have a key to the penthouse?

Give it to me and we'll go upstairs and wait for him so we can give him a piece

of our mind.

Just give him a piece of Brenda's meatloaf and wait for him at the

He'll show up.

Bye.

Well, there's only one thing left to do.

And as soon as I think of it, we'll do it.

Stay fast, because I'm dying to see the penthouse.

Now, I know someone that could get the key and let us in if they really cared

about the building.

Rose Holloway, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Are you suggesting that behind my husband's back, I would go in the

take his keys, which happen to be hanging on the key rack, third from the

with a red ribbon on it, against his wishes? Is that what you're saying? Oh,

of course not.

You couldn't do that.

That wouldn't be right at all.

Did you say it had a red ribbon on it?

Love me one day.

The next day you say your car's not working.

How are you gonna fix it, baby?

You trying to sneak out on me, Mr. Barlow? Of course not.

I was afraid that if I walked by too fast, it would create a breeze which

cause the paint to ripple.

Well, because today you said you were going to pay me. And I shall, I shall.

When?

When? Oh, you mean like in a temporal sense?

No, I mean like in dollars and cents.

Well, as my grandfather used to say to me,

Julian... See, I allowed him to call me that.

Julian never paid for the Rolls Royce till it comes off the assembly line.

Well, you know, as my grandfather used to say, hey, you, since he never knew my

name.

If the money ain't, don't paint.

What are you doing?

I'm going down to the unemployment office, man.

At least there.

I'll get paid. Do you think Michelangelo would come down from that ceiling over

a few measly lira?

I don't know. I'll ask him.

Temperamental artists.

All they want is money.

You see, anybody could do this.

Yeah.

will look great on me.

Ain't this a blip?

He's living up here high on the hog, and we're left downstairs with the oink.

Yeah, looks like he got the oink, too.

Mary, just look at this great butt.

Thank you.

I mean this sculpture.

Sculpture? It looks like three bunions.

That's a knelf on the shelf.

A what?

The great sculptor, Otto Knelf. K -N -E -L -F -F. The final F is silent.

Knelf.

We canoe that.

What are you women doing in here? How did you get in here, huh?

Well, I happen to be a personal friend of Mr. Barlow.

Never mind what we're doing here. I'm president of the Tenants Association,

we're here to see Mr. Barlow.

Mr. Barlow?

The landlord, the man you work for?

Oh, him.

Well, see, I'm just a painter.

Well, tell me, what is he like? Is he handsome?

Oh, baby, he's an Adonis.

Is he rich?

Rich? Vidal Sassoon shampoos his carpets.

Mary Jenkins is going to defrost his fridge.

I'm afraid your domestic duties will have to wait until Mr. Barlow returns

abroad. But rest assured, Mr.

Barlow would never shirk his responsibilities to a tenant. He's a man

integrity and honesty.

Or my name is not, uh, Jose Dutch Boy.

Okay, Jose.

When you see Mr. Barlow, tell him Mary Jenkins will be breathing down his neck.

And you tell him that Sandra Clark can do a lot better than that.

How could you break into that man's home?

Break in? I didn't break in.

I stole your key.

Oh, much better.

Well, honey, I couldn't help it. It wasn't my fault.

They talked me into it.

Oh, yeah? What'd they say?

Let's go?

Honey, a lot of work needs to be done around here.

And besides, I went up there as president of the Tenants Association,

snoop.

You should see the size of his closet.

Mary, he is a busy man. He'll take care of things. He paid me, didn't he? Give

him time.

Well, I hope you're right.

If I'm not right, I'll eat my hat.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

Hi, Mrs. Jenkins.

Major favorite time.

Wicked landlord raises rent of underpaid schoolteacher.

Me. I need a roommate.

Don't take this personal, Dylan, but I would rather be on death row.

Whoa, Mom, time out.

Communication breakdown.

Brenda, why are you talking like Dylan?

I don't know, Mom, but it's been worrying me, too.

Yeah, I feel. I have to kiss her.

Excuse me, you have to what?

Oh, I have to do this.

Um, I just want you to post this on your church bulletin board.

Madame Secretary?

Roommate wanted.

Mustn't smoke, mustn't drink, mustn't throw a wild party, mustn't sing Barry

Manilow in the shower.

Hey, Dylan, maybe I can move in with you.

What? I mean, now that I'm a college man, it's time I had my own place.

Well, at least half my own place.

And where are you going to get the money?

Grandma!

But you don't even know what I was going to ask you. Yes, I do.

Not only am I psychic, I eavesdrop.

Come on, Steph.

Help me post these notices.

Be back in time for dinner.

Dinner? What are we having?

Not you.

Oh, Lester, this letter came to my house for you by mistake.

Pearl, it's already open.

It's another mistake.

What is it, honey?

Barlow's check bounce.

Do you mind?

Barlow's check bounce.

Here's your hat.

Mustard or ketchup?

All right, Mary, I'm going down to the bank and

redeposit Barlow's check, and I'll bet you this time it clears.

I still think... Stay out of this, Mary Jenkins.

I'll handle this affair myself.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, I did, Mary Jenkins. My bad.

I had it my way. Ain't being much.

Men make me sick. I always think they're smarter than women.

It just goes to prove how dumb they really are.

Hi. I'm answering your ad for a minute. I'm sorry, but the one I have still has

a few more miles in him.

You want apartment L upstairs?

Are you sure this isn't the right place?

I could be real happy here.

Happy, maybe.

Alive, no.

Oh!

Upstairs. Bye.

Who was that doofus?

He's answering Dylan's ad for a roommate.

Oh, great. Now we're gonna have two of them.

Coming.

I'll be right back. I'm going for a walk.

Hi.

Hi. You the guy who advertised?

I'm Dylan McMillan.

What were your parents, poets?

Like I said, come right in.

Be my guest. Make yourself at home.

This is a mess.

You cooking something? You got a cat box in here.

you do, make me a new goo guy pan.

I think you put too much moo in your goo.

You're killing me.

You know, as we Chinese chefs say, adios. Wait a minute. How many bedrooms

you have?

Mine. Only one?

Yes, that's why this couch is a convertible.

And speaking of convertibles, drive safely.

Wait a minute, man. You need a roommate.

I need some place I can crash.

We were made for each other.

You know, if reality calls, should I mention that you're very, very busy?

Mr.

Fillmore. Travis Fillmore. Here's my card.

I am all limousine service.

How many limos?

Mine.

A fleet of one. I'm very impressed.

Well, this isn't exactly the lap of luxury.

What do you do?

Tea scoop.

Yes, I do.

And would you please leave the premises now?

Well, I don't exactly see anybody else beating down your door.

You will when you open it.

Hi, I'm answering your ads.

My ad?

Oh, my ad. Yeah, yeah.

I'm Dylan McMillan, man. You're just a little late because I just rented it

I thought I told you to get out of here.

You know, he's very hostile.

You could be asking for trouble, Mr. McMillan.

I'm Dylan McMillan.

Wow, two Dylan McMillans? Now, what are the chances of that? Because I... Oh,

I get it. Let me tell you something.

Got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool Ralph Weaver.

How long do you get up, Mr. Weaver? I get up at 7 sharp. You see, I work for

Bureau of Weights and Measures.

That means I weigh things and then I measure.

One side.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

172 pounds, 5 '11". Am I right? I'm right.

I can't believe you're going to pass me up for a guy who guesses your weight.

scale.

Um, uh, what about rent?

I'm gonna ask him. I'll ask him.

He wants to know if he can sleep by the window.

Um, who wants to know? Barley, my dog.

Look, he's very shy, man. You won't even know he's here.

I don't even know now.

He's a Doberman.

by his ears. Gosh, this place is small. You know, I was thinking I don't really

need a roommate anyway. I'm flexible, man. I could get a cat. No, or a gerbil.

Oh, please, sugar.

I got a wolverine in the car.

You see, I'm looking better all the time.

Don't unpack your toothbrush yet.

Hello?

What?

Sorry, I forgot Farley. Come on, Farley. Oh, no, no, not on the carpet.

What can you do?

Um... Well, um... Congratulations, roomie. All right.

Talking about weirdos. Yeah.

Oh, here's a good job, Eva.

Data processor.

How about deli clerk?

Dietician.

Moonwalker. I just wish I could make some money being an artist.

Forget it, child.

Artists don't make a living until they're dead.

Everybody, guess who I just met in front of the building?

Who'd you see, Pearl?

None other than Mr. Julian Barlow.

Pearl, you saw the landlord?

What was he like?

Well, he looked a little familiar.

But he was a real charmer.

He told me he was enchanté to make my acquaintance.

And he kissed my hand.

Never mind that, Pearl.

Did you tell him about our complaints?

I didn't have any complaints.

Well, is he upstairs now? He said he was going up to his penthouse.

Good. We've got the rat pent up in his house.

Mr.

Barlow?

Association. May we come in, please?

This is a butler, madam.

I'm terribly sorry, madam, but Mr. Barlow is not at home.

But he came up here.

Well, indeed, he was here, but now he's gone.

He left for Paris. The Jets said do that, don't you know?

This is a trick. Now, if he left, we would have seen it. That's right.

Right. Well, I got some tricks of my own. Come on, let's go.

Hello. The good news is you've reached Julian C. Barlow.

The bad news is that I'm abroad.

I mean, I'm a man.

But I am out of the

country.

Please leave a message at the sound of the beep.

Yes,

who is it, please?

Sandra Clark, and I have a housewarming gift for Mr. Barlow.

You may leave the gift with me, madam, and I'll see that the master gets it.

Know what this is?

A copy of High Finance. That's not much of a gift, but I guess it's the thought

that counts.

recognize this painter who is also a butler, who is also you?

You rich little devil, you.

You know, I never did care much for this picture, but it's a good shot of my

polo pony, don't you think?

Man!

I beg your pardon?

Are you mad?

Let's just say that the nuptial knot is very loose.

Very loose.

Oh, I'm really happy to meet you. I've read all about you and your net worth.

Well, you know, now that the cat's out of the bag, will you promise me not to

tell the head of the Tenet Association?

She's such an irritating woman. Like, what's her name again?

Pigeon!

Yes, that's the one.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Your secret is faced with me now. You have a snake,

don't you? What is that? Pigeon's business.

I know those pigeons, and they're blocking my view.

Get out of there! Get out of there! You're trespassing!

What?

I'm only letting you in because that's very expensive glass.

Sandra Clark, this is ridiculous. You left us dangling out there like a couple

of participles.

I thought you were doing the window.

What is the meaning of this? Don't pay any attention to them, Julian.

Julian?

Oh, Mr. Barlow, I presume.

That's Mr.

Julian C.

Barlow, with a small C. That was Mother's idea. She thought he'd keep me

Especially when he's rich.

Mr. Barlow, it's time we talked turkey. This building is screaming for repairs,

and you haven't done diddly.

Now, when I owned the building, I did do diddly, didn't I?

It was squat you didn't do.

Ladies, ladies, please, sit down, sit down.

Unfortunately, my time has been completely occupied by trust funds and T

-bills and stock options to buy or not to buy.

That is always the question.

And to lie or not to lie is always the answer.

Did you know the check you gave my husband bounced? It bounced?

A mistake. Switzerland must have been closed that day.

Come in. Everyone else is here.

Do you follow Julian C?

That's a small C.

Okay,

guys. This is the place.

But I want everything back here in two weeks now.

Well, now that that's settled, feel free to come by any time you like. You'll

always be welcome.

Unless, of course, I'm in Bangkok or Paris or Newark.

Just a minute. I am not leaving until my demands are met.

Put me down! Put me down!

My goodness!

Well, you see, those pieces are completely wrong, so I'm having them

Who is your decorator? The finance company?

I'll learn with you. It's my soon -to -be, can't -be -soon -enough -for -me ex

-wife. That witch has gotten together with the Treasury Department, and

they have...

They tied up all my cash.

All your cash?

Yes, my assets are in a sling. Well, my assets are on their way downstairs. Bye.

Mr. Barlow, ever since we've been here, all you've done is fake us out and give

us double talk.

You're right.

Why should my tenants suffer? Simply because I find myself in a brief state

financial embarrassment.

Please, allow me to give you this. Hold it.

Be careful, that's priceless.

Okay, you paid for it, you can give it to them.

Barry, that's the K 'Nelf. It was done by K 'Nelf himself.

I don't care if it was done by Dally in the Alley.

What are you going to do with it?

Well, it's worth a bloody fortune. You could... sell it.

And use the money to pay for the repairs in the building and cover your

husband's check.

Take it, Barry.

I can't.

Take it, Mary.

It just wouldn't be right.

Mary, will you take it?

It means too much to you.

All right, all right. Just hold it as collateral.

Go on with repairs, and when I get my money, I'll repay you, and you can

my precious canal.

Take it, Mary.

I'm taking it, Rose.

Okay, we'll be back in a couple of weeks. And I shall be here. Well,

dear ladies.

Farewell. Canals.