Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

If your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you're loved, you don't need to roam.

Cause there's no place like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame or wave.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Because there ain't no place like that. There ain't no place like that. There

ain't no place like that. There's no place like home.

I mean, no place, child.

But, Mom, I wanted him to be hired.

This is a problem.

Calvin, you are going to be with the prettiest girl at the prom.

I am? Who?

Here, Pearl.

Pin his lips to the rug.

Oh, my grandson is graduating from high school.

Oh, I'm so proud of you, Calvin.

Thank you, Grandma.

I bet you didn't think I was going to make it. You're right. I didn't.

But it was worth the $20 I lost.

Okay,

it's time to vote on the entertainment.

What entertainment?

We got biz for the Narducci coordinates, the Woody Preston strutters, and the

Ray Schaefer mariachi quartet.

Sounds like the gong show.

Mom, all they have is $2 ,000, and most of that has to go to renting the embassy

room at the hotel.

Why don't you show a little class and hire a string quartet?

Oh, great, so we can dance to Beethoven?

Why not? I did.

Oh, Carl.

I say we put the issue before the prom committee.

Rita, we are the prom committee.

All done.

Thanks, Mom.

Well, I'm going down and get Calvin's outfit together.

And I'll keep you company, Mrs. Shane.

All right, sweetie.

Oh, and don't worry, Brenda. I'll be back in time to help you with your

homework.

Isn't that a sweet child?

And her rates are so reasonable.

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, hi, honey. Hi, baby.

Here you go, kids. I sold $10 worth of rabbit tickets for the school prom.

That's all?

Calvin, how many construction workers do you know are willing to take a chance

on winning an imitation walnut desk and blotter set?

Man, it's no use, man. We just got to forget the entertainment.

Hey, maybe not. Maybe we could get one of those rap groups like Run B .O .T.

I think you're talking about Run D .M .C.

Well, I knew it was Run Somebody.

A rap group for the punk? Whatever happened to the four tops?

They're still spinning.

Oh, forget it, Mrs. Jenkins.

We can't afford Run D .M .C.

Wait a minute now. Maybe you can.

You see, my friend Sarah down at the church, she said they're in town, and

knows somebody who knows somebody whose wife knows somebody who's dating their

road manager.

Brenda, I didn't know your mom was a celebrity.

Mom, you really think we can get these guys?

Sure, Brenda, that's the way these things are done. You see, I scratch your

back, you scratch mine. I hem your dress, you clean up the mess.

Oh, I'll get it.

Hey, Dylan.

Hey, Dylan, sorry I'm late, but Mickey's been kind of running a little slow.

That's because he's running with Goofy.

Dylan, guess what? Mom's going to get Run DMC to perform at Calvin's prom.

Run DMC?

You know Run DMC?

Somewhat. Somewhat? You said you'd scratch their backs once.

I'll go call Sarah.

All right, let's get on.

To the next order of business, which is what?

There is no next order of business. The meeting's over.

Bad, Mickey.

We just have to decide on who's going to hold the $2 ,000 we collect.

Responsibility's my middle name.

Faculty advisor's my middle name.

Meeting adjourned.

Oh, that's okay, Sarah.

Thanks anyway.

You wouldn't happen to know the Mills brothers, would you?

Before your time.

Sir? Sir?

I guess she couldn't get to run the MC.

Well, she could have. And at half price, too.

The only problem is half price was $5 ,000.

Minnie, it's Rose in there!

Tokyo Rose, Gypsy Rose, or Wild Irish Rose?

The rematchment?

Now you're only two months behind.

What did you do? Rob a bank? I know the police after you.

Nah, I've been making a killing in the stock market. My latest boyfriend, Phil,

he's a stockbroker and he's taking care of all my assets.

I'm not going to touch that.

No, but what I mean is he's giving me a lot of hot tips and voila!

Well, I could use a couple of those hot tips myself.

Okay, Phil says the next big investment is...

Pig's elbows.

I didn't know pigs had elbows.

They don't. If they did, we would have ate them. We eat everything on the pig

except his oink.

I think by summertime, I'll be able to buy anything I want. I wonder if the

Washington Redskins are for sale.

Hey, Lester's home. I gotta go check the clothes and quotes.

Lester, I got one thing to say to you.

Pigs...

I'd like to see your elbows after leaning against bricks all day.

Pig's elbows.

Go home, Rose.

Sandra, wait a minute. You got any more stock tips?

Like chicken lips or bee's knees or... Listen, baby, we got a letter from

Alexandra's father.

Oh. He says he's finished his archaeological diggings in the Amazon.

to London to catalog them, and he wants Alexandra to come there and live with

him. Come and live with him? Mm -hmm. When?

Next week, evening and closing airline ticket.

Well, I guess you'll be happy to see your father again.

Oh, now, what's the matter with you? Why the long face?

I'm going to miss her. Oh, we all are.

I told you a hundred times, the two bottom drawers are mine.

But I can't reach the top one. You'll grow into it.

Brenda, what's going on?

SOS, same old stuff.

She keeps putting her things in my space.

I'm just trying to be organized.

Alexandria, we got a letter from your father.

Is he all right?

He's fine.

As a matter of fact, he's in London and wants you to come live with him.

London? I'm going to be with my father in London?

This is fantastic.

When do I leave?

Next week.

Aw, too bad.

Just when we were becoming good friends.

I'll help you, Pat.

See, she's happy.

I'm still gonna miss her. Oh.

Oh, Dylan, I'm so glad I ran into you in the hallway.

Yeah, me too. I've always had a secret desire to be a pack mule.

Oh, that's good. I like a man who sets realistic goals.

Thank you so much. I'm so grateful.

How can I ever thank you?

Well, uh...

I was only going to try to persuade you to buy some raffle tickets.

For what?

Run DMC.

You raffling off those cute guys?

I think this is nasty.

No, we're only going to try to get them to perform.

Well, in that case, I'll take $100 worth.

$100 would be great. It just came from Mary's, and she said we need a lot of

cash. We're going to hire Run DMC.

There's plenty more where that came from, too. And my boyfriend Phil said

there's a penny stock that's going to triple my money within 24 hours.

Triple your money? If I could triple a kid's money, I can get them a really

great prom.

What's the name of the stock?

IBG. International Bat Guano.

Well, do you mind if I call this guy?

Well, I don't know now, Dylan. It could be risky.

How many of his stocks have paid off so far?

Six out of six.

Ooh, scared of him.

What's the name of his number?

Well, here's his card.

Cool. Thanks a lot.

Maybe I'll call him.

Oh, maybe I won't.

Well,

one thing is for sure. It's a really nice card.

I'm really excited about London, Mrs. Jenkins.

There's so much there.

Big Ben, the Tower of London, Buckingham Palace.

I wonder what I'll see first.

The airport.

I'll get it.

Hi, Dylan. Guess what? I'm moving to London.

Whoa. Well, don't cross the pond till after the prom. I think we just might

Run DMC.

Run DMC?

Smashing. I'll go tell the chaps.

Cheerio. Cheerio.

Are you trying to tell me that you sold 5 ,000 raffle tickets in one day?

Not exactly.

What exactly?

Call your friend Sarah. Tell her I've got it covered.

We can meet Run DMC's price.

Dylan, until I see $5 ,000, I'm not telling anybody anything, anyhow,

Really?

It isn't fair, ma 'am.

What's not fair?

Life. Oh, I thought your powder puff had shriveled up again.

I went from a hat to a hat not fast enough you could say Dow Jones

Average. What are you talking about?

I'm talking about losing everything I invested.

International -backed guano went belly up.

Holy guano.

Dylan, I hope you didn't put your money into any of this.

Well, if you need me, I'll be at the return counter, Neiman Marcus.

I guess I'll be going, too.

Dylan, the door is over here.

I'm going out the window.

I know I don't want to hear what you have to tell me, but tell me anyway.

Every cent of the prom money.

I'll open the window.

Dylan, how could you lose all their prom money?

I was only trying to get them a night to remember.

Well, you gave them a night to remember, all right.

Who's your next of kin?

I don't even know how this happened, Mary. It was a stupid, honest mistake.

All right, you got run DMC. That's good to go. My first prom, and it's going to

be the greatest of all time.

Dylan has something to tell you.

Let me just toss this on the table for a second. What if we, um, have your prom

in a nice, cozy place like my apartment?

What? You know, uh, I can make some milk and cookies, put on the record player,

and watch some cable.

Dylan, start spilling.

I lost all your prom money.

Come on, man, will you stop kidding around?

What a teacher, man. I told them.

Dylan.

Look, I'm serious.

I was trying to raise some money to get a run in DMC, and I invested all your

money in a loser stock.

I'm really sorry.

What? Oh, miss.

No hotel, no music, no prom.

You know, Dylan, I used to think you were the coolest teacher in school.

I look up to you, I admire you, but you really let me down.

Yeah, man, way down.

To the curb.

I'm gonna ask my father to beat you up.

Dylan, it's not even my problem, and I'm not too crazy about you either.

Well, that worked out great. What do you think?

Like the well, it was deep.

Mary, there's only two days left to the prom. What am I going to do?

I can't look kids down.

That makes two of us.

This is supposed to be something you remember all your life.

Yeah, like Vietnam.

I just hope I get a job making a lot of money, because it's going to take years

with the psychiatrist to get over this.

You feel lucky?

It may rain.

Well, you guys can all come to my prom next year and have a good time.

I'll make sure Dylan has nothing to do with it, okay?

Hey, is everybody having a good time?

Yay!

Woo!

You know, Pearl, this reminds me when I made refreshments for my high school

prom. I made coconut macaroons. Ooh, I bet that was good.

No, not so good.

They turned out like Brillo pads, and the boys used them to clean their

Boy!

Sandra, what are you doing here?

It just happened. I came out the building, and they voted me homecoming

Now, my problem, we didn't have a queen.

We had a homecoming barmaid.

Well,

I better go find the principal. I promised him a dance.

Oh, excuse me. Have you ladies seen mine?

Oh, I saw her earlier.

She was walking down the street with a pair of your pants.

I told her she didn't have to go to the cleaners until tomorrow.

And guess who's ratted in your nest? Why, it's Rapper Flapper Dapper of Rap

World Digest.

I mean, the mag that's got it in the bag. I mean, the rag is deaf, no drag.

get down.

Get down?

Never heard of it.

Never heard of it? Oh, man, we so hip, we made flip, skip, and trip.

Then, my man, what you want?

Well, yo, see, like, we're devoting the whole issue.

to performers who show appreciation for their fans by playing free at various

events in the community.

Hold up, you said free?

You just said the F word.

See, now, we were going to put Jazzy Prince in the Fresh Jeff.

Hold up, you mean Jazzy Jeff in the Fresh Prince?

Whatever, whatever.

Anyway, like, when I heard that you dudes were playing the prom at Waverly

I said, stop the presses.

Waverly, hi.

Yo, Joe, what's up with that?

It ain't on our agenda, and if it ain't on our agenda, we ain't doing it.

Yo, it's Sophie.

I'm not a beastie, boys.

I'm not Run -D .M .C.

Yo, Run -D .M .C., let's get stupid.

Whose house is this?

Well, it definitely ain't mine, so I'm gonna make like a rabbit and hop.

There must be a full moon out tonight.

You know, I'd like to introduce myself, MC Grandmaster DJ Dylan D in the place,

and I'm in effect.

Maybe you recognize some of my major motion pictures, being that I'm a major

motion picture writer slash producer extraordinaire.

Do you remember who framed Roger Rapper, the accidental rapper?

I'm not rapper port, and currently I'm lensing a major motion picture entitled

Let's Call It A Rap.

Man, just get to the point. All right, check this out.

A high school prom, DJ scratching, z -z -z -zodiac, z -z -z -zodiac.

Little Bobby Brown,

then suddenly, bam, who's in the house? Run DMC, and everybody goes off.

High school prom?

Mm -hmm.

Waverly High, I suppose.

That would work. Man, that ain't gonna work, man. You trying to play us out,

man. Yo, Big D.

No, man. Yo. Yo, don't you know... Come and leave us of this booty MC, man.

You know, Mike Tyson, I'm his manager. I had some fire because of the fact, but

no fact.

Listen, okay, let me get legit.

I'm a high school teacher. When you're having this prom, out in the streets,

in the streets like...

Oh,

hi, honey.

Hey, babe.

Ralph, how do I look?

Oh, you look beautiful.

Where you been?

I think we better dance while I tell you.

You know, Principal Cromwell, I never did good grades in high school.

Yeah, well, you're passing your exam with me.

But I still was considered a very gifted child.

How so?

Every week the boys brought me gifts.

We might as well introduce the entertainment.

Oh, okay.

Oh, Daddy, please don't tell any of your jokes.

Oh, come on, Brynn. You know you got a hipper dad than that.

Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, could I have your attention,

I'd like to welcome the graduating class of 1989.

the embassy room at the hotel and out here on these streets, Dylan McMillan.

But we do have some entertainment for you. Did you know that if Ella

had married Darth Vader, she'd be known as Ella Vader?

How about that? There's still booing Dylan if he's not even here.

Honey, I have a suggestion for your stand -up.

What's that, dear? Sit down.

Goodbye.

Well, I know that you're a little unhappy about the way things turned out.

However, we do have a rap group for you.

Let's give a warm welcome to 227's Cool Calvin and the Slammin' Posse.