Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you're loved, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no

like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with those flame away.

Pulled together, we'll make it round.

With help from our friends, I know we...

I mean, no place.

Honey, I wish you didn't have to go to a meeting.

The troop leader of the Buttercups is coming over to register Alexandria.

Well, I trust your judgment, babe. Besides, we checked out the group and

all fine.

You know, this is going to be fun for her. She's going to meet a lot of people

her own age.

Oh, maybe that's them now. Open the door for me. Okay.

Hi, Lester.

Hey, you're not the troop leader. Well, you put me with the troops and they'll

follow me anyway.

Hi, Mary. I need to stay in your apartment for a couple of hours.

Let's split the difference.

Make it a couple of minutes.

Mary, the exterminator's up there. He's spraying.

Getting rid of an old boyfriend?

There's an old boyfriend.

Sandra,

mi casa, not su casa.

Oh, thank you, Mary.

Good thing I don't understand Spanish. So who are you expecting? Anybody I

I doubt it. It's a representative from the Buttercups.

Alexandra's joining.

Should be fun for her.

Doing all that dumb outdoor stuff with a bunch of girls?

Mary, please.

Okay, baby, I got to go.

Okay.

Oh, baby, that's the troop leader.

On second thought, I think I'll have a better time at home with the bug spray.

Hi, I'm Doug Tyler. I'm with the Buttercups.

Does your mommy know?

Come on in, Mr. Tyler.

I'm Lester Jenkins, and this is my wife, Mary.

And this is our neighbor, Sandra, who's just leaving.

Leaving? Mary, you want to be overcome by toxic fumes?

Do you want to stay here and be overcome by this gorgeous bed?

She's seeing a therapist about her shyness.

Well, I hate to rush off, but I got an appointment. Nice meeting you, Brother

Charlie.

You probably think it's odd having a man as a buttercup mother.

Oh, no, honey. I saw that on Oprah.

It's just that as a single parent, I want to take an active part in my

Jennifer's activities.

I think that's wonderful.

So do I.

Especially that single parent part.

I'm taking our troop out to the country on a nature hike this Saturday. I think

that'll be a perfect opportunity for Alexandria to get to know the group.

She'll love it.

If you're free on Saturday, I could really use another parent to go along.

I'm free on Saturday. I'd love to go along.

On a nature hike, Sandra?

Well, why not?

Nature. Fresh air, outdoors, no preservatives.

I feel the same way. It's the call of the wild.

Wild.

I've heard it many times.

But you never had to go outdoors to hear it.

I'd love to go, Mr. Tyler. Good. We have a bus charter to take us up to Willow

Mountain. We'll all meet at the youth center at 5 a .m.

5 a .m.

Okay, let's go.

Come on, girls.

We'll sit down over here.

I'm okay, but I know you all need a rest.

Girls, girls.

Stay together now.

Where's Alexandria?

Who cares?

Last time I saw her, she was lecturing us on edible plant life.

Alexandria's weird, Mrs. Jenkins.

Oh, now, come on, girls. Let's be a little patient.

Alexandra's trying very hard to fit in.

Look what I found!

It's only an old fiddy at the office.

Looks more like a snake to me.

And if it's not wearing a buckle, get rid of it.

My father says you're never supposed to pick up a snake, even if it is harmless.

If your father wanted to express an opinion, he should have been here.

Alexandra, you stop that. Now, you know very well Mr. Talley had to go away on a

business trip.

And I wish I had gone on one, too.

What's that? It's a bear.

I can tell by the sound.

Okay, stand back.

Don't hurt it.

I mean, you'll give it a chance to make friends, won't you?

Mm -hmm, yeah, if it's wearing a hat and putting out fires.

Oh, Alexander, that is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. Now get

My good dress, some makeup, and a bottle of champagne.

That's for the old me.

So, where's Doug? Felling trees?

Picking berries?

Collecting sap?

Doug had to go on a business trip, so I'm afraid you're the only sap here.

You mean he's not here?

I came all this way for nothing?

Well, you can always fill up your lungs again.

But leave some air for us, okay?

There's no point hanging about.

get back to the road and into the car as soon as I get home to a hot bear.

Spoken like a true outdoors woman.

I'll see you back at Civilization, Mary.

Okay, ladies, let's move out.

We got two more hours of hiking before we have to be back at the bus, okay?

And remember, the leader has to look out for snakes.

Uh, pardon me. Can somebody tell me which way the road is?

I'm lost.

No, why don't you come with us?

Yeah, maybe I better.

I'll tell you what. Why don't you leave?

Hey,

what's the good rush?

I'm cooking my spicy chili for Brenda.

Oh, I've had some of Lester's chili, and it's real spicy.

Well, I got to go. It's ready as soon as it eats the bottom out of the pot.

You're one husband in a million.

Why is that?

Well, it's not every day that a husband would calmly fix dinner while his wife

is out in the woods with a handsome, gorgeous, hungover man.

Who? Doug Tyler.

Mm -hmm.

I heard he said that he's a cross between Billy Dee Williams and Billy Dee

And, of course, you're not the least bit jealous.

Oh, come on, Rose. Jealousy is for insecure, petty little men. I'm too

for that.

Besides, I trust Mary completely.

Besides,

I didn't think he was all that good looking.

Besides, if he brings his butt back here again, I'm going to throw him down the

stairs.

Everybody listen to this.

And the massive manhunt is now underway.

Repeating this bulletin, a deranged inmate, Lucinda the Hacker Merkel, has

escaped from a women's facility near Willow Mountain.

Isn't that where Mom is?

Yeah.

Everybody calm down.

I'm sure Mary and the kids are in no danger. According to their schedule,

they're on the bus headed back right now.

We're lost.

Okay, calm down, everybody. It's not as bad as it seems.

It's worse.

Come on, we'd better wait in this cabin over here.

Oh, we ought to be safe here until somebody comes to find us.

Are you sure they'll find us, Mrs. Jenkins?

Oh, of course they will, honey. My husband knows where we are, and all your

parents know where we are.

That's right. The only people who don't know where we are is us.

Thank you, son.

We'll be perfectly safe in here.

Actually, this is kind of cozy, huh?

No, Mary.

Cozy sitting on a bed rug in front of a fire with a glass of champagne in one

hand and a man in the other.

This is junkie.

Ranger Granger, that's me.

Ranger Granger? That's right, stranger.

Well, I don't care what your name is. Are we glad to see you? Not half as glad

as I am to see you, honey. I'm lost.

How can you be a ranger and be lost?

Well, if you really have to know, today's my first day on the job.

Looks like we're in the same boat.

You mean you're all rangers?

No, we're all lost.

I didn't think I recognized you from roll call.

or you arrange them? Of course I'm sure. Do you think I forget something like

that? Besides, what does this uniform look like?

Smokey the Bear.

It does, doesn't it?

Does the axe come with it?

No, I picked this up outside.

After all, I'm knocking on a strange door, a single woman, desirable age,

not bad looking by any means.

You never know who's going to answer the door.

She could have got by with a butter knife, huh?

to be here for a while, so why don't I light a fire? Okay, girls, let's go chop

some firewood.

I knew this axe would come in handy.

Well, let's see if we can get the weather report.

Tell me this isn't Willow Mountain.

Well, it ain't Pillow Mountain.

She is described as dangerous and unpredictable.

We have reports that a forest ranger is missing and foul play is suspected.

Did you hear that?

Yeah. We better go tell the ranger.

Oh, Mary.

Oh, no. Tell me I'm not thinking what I'm thinking.

Well, if you're thinking what I'm thinking, then we're both thinking what

thinking.

Ranger. Ranger is a danger.

to get out there before something happens.

I got glitter in my finger.

Oh, thank goodness.

What are you doing?

Uh, keeping the cold out.

But Ranger Grinch is outside.

She like it out there.

happen to mom, do you? Oh, of course not, sugar. Your mother's fine.

Why don't you go on back and do your homework? When your mother comes, I'll

you. All right. I just hope it's soon.

Yeah, me too.

Well, there's got to be some explanation why Mary's late. Maybe the bridge

washed out or maybe the bus broke down. Or she run off with Doug Tyler.

There.

That's probably Mary right now. Uh -huh.

Hello? Doug, where are you?

In a motel?

Oh,

I see.

You did?

They didn't?

Yeah, I'll meet you up there.

He's on business in Baltimore.

He called Buttercup Headquarters to check on his daughter, and they never

back to the bus. They think they're lost in the woods.

Oh, Lord, and that escaped nut is out there somewhere. Yeah, yeah.

I'm going out to look for him.

Mary, what do we do?

We don't want to alarm the kids.

And most of all, we don't want to alarm the hacker.

Okay, Mrs. Jenkins, I've got the food organized.

Oh, very good.

Let's see, what have we got?

Not very much.

Anybody got anything else?

Oh, just a minute.

A can of pâté de foie gras and some Vienna sausage.

Well, now, we don't have very much, so we'll have to ration it very fairly and

carefully. I'm getting hungry.

Take it off.

But what about the rest of you? We on a special diet. It's called life watches.

Jenkins, that isn't fair.

I know, Emily, but we're strong. We can hack it. I mean, we can stand it.

Since we're stuck here, let's build a fire and tell scary stories.

Yeah, I know some gory ones. All true.

Across the dark room. Oh, I love this stuff.

She flung open the closet door.

Emily, Emily. It's your turn to pick up the story, honey. And lighten it up.

Okay. And there was a clown.

Good.

He was hanging by her neck. His eyes were bulging out. His tongue was all

swollen.

My turn, my turn.

No, it's Sandra's turn. Sandra's turn. So, so she closed the closet door.

And it went to her jewelry bar.

And she and her diamonds live happily ever after.

I knew I could count on you.

Boring.

Now, here's a good one.

It's called The Missing Ear.

And it opens in a barbershop.

Okay, that's it. Come on, everybody, let's go to bed. You gotta get up in the

morning. We gotta get out of here.

Who gets to bed?

You.

Ask me in the morning. If I don't answer, something will rule.

Hey, Alexandria.

I'm scared.

I miss my dad and I miss my room.

You? The troop leader's daughter?

You're afraid?

I knew you wouldn't understand.

Why wouldn't I?

You're never scared.

You've got your brain. You know it all.

That's not true. I don't know it all. If I did, would my stomach be doing flip

-flops?

That gives you the creeps, too?

Uh -huh.

You know what else I'm afraid of?

What? That I won't make any friends on this trip.

Want to share my blanket?

Sure.

Sandra, stop hogging the blanket. I'm freezing.

This is not a blanket, Mary.

It happens to be a gold lame evening gown.

Well, then give me a shoulder pad. I need a pillow.

Hey, hey, she's asleep. Come on.

You know, Mary, maybe we should just let her sleep. I read somewhere that a

sleeping lunatic is the safest kind.

couldn't sleep either, huh?

We just wanted to be sure you were all right.

I'm fine if it wasn't for this darn insomnia.

I can never get to sleep.

How about the three of us going for a walk?

Walk? How about just you and Mary?

What's the matter? You don't like me?

Why don't you two talk it over?

You know, I've always been different.

Every time I get a friend, I lose her.

That's enough of this female bonding.

You just lie down and relax, and I'll sing you to sleep.

Rock -a -bye, ranger, in the treetops.

Ranger in the tree.

Go back to sleep.

There. That ought to hold her until we get the police.

Excuse me, Miss Hacker, but if you let us go, we'll leave quietly and we'll say

nothing to the police.

They are crazy.

Come on now, you the troop leader, do something.

Okay.

Apparently, you don't know who you're fooling with.

I'm Crazy Mary.

Been in every penitentiary on the East Coast.

As what?

A cleaning lady?

Easy, crazy easy.

Look, I'm a cold -blooded, merciless killer, and I don't take no prisoners.

Oh, really?

Then you'll appreciate what I did with my last victim.

I hung him by the neck.

His eyes was bulging. His tongue was swollen.

clean your clothes, Miss Hacker.

That's better.

Now, empty your pockets on the table.

I want everything.

Your money, valuables, everything.

Yes, ma 'am. Anything you want, you just had, you got it.

Oh, sure.

Her, you're nice, too. Me, you tired.

You, you put that stuff in the back sack. Yeah, yeah, right away. Yeah,

away. You just take it all, take it all. It's an honor for me to do this.

Can I have your autograph?

Ooh, I like this dress.

Yeah, it's gorgeous, isn't it?

I think I'll take that, too.

Oh, the heck you will.

Come on. No, no.

Tell them Ranger Granger got us out of danger.

Goodbye, Crazy Mary.

Sorry I woke up the kids.

Crazy Mary?

Well, I spent the night with Sandra.

Looks like you kids had a pretty exciting time, huh? Yeah, and I made a

friend.

Well, I'm just glad everybody's okay.

Not me. I seem to have sprayed my ankle.

No, not you.

Dad.

Let me help.

Thank you. You know, your daughter Emily's the sweetest little thing.

Jennifer. Yeah, whatever.

Let's say we all get out of here. I left my car parked down on the road.

Old Oak Road?

Yeah. Follow me. I know a shortcut.

Uh -uh.