Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there's no place like home.

Time's all changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame away.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I know we can try. Cause there's no place like

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

I mean, no place down.

Oh, yeah.

Mom, before I do my homework, is there anything you'd like me to do around the

house, like vacuum, dust, or iron or anything?

Vacuum, dust, iron?

You know, I really don't do enough around here. With Alexandria gone for a

I ought to be doing twice my share.

Rose, call the Air Force quick.

My child has been invaded by aliens.

What is this all about?

Nothing, Mother. I'm just trying to make your life easier.

In exchange for what?

Europe.

Wow!

That sounds fair to me. She vacuums, you give her Europe.

Mom,

a bunch of kids are planning a trip to Europe this summer after graduation.

Can I go, please?

Who's going with you?

Nobody, just us.

With no chaperone?

Out of the question. And don't ask your father.

I'll get it.

Hey, remember me, Dylan? I live down the hall.

Hey, remember me, you landlady? You owe me rent.

This is probably a bad time.

What is it, Dylan?

Well, you know, typical neighbor request.

Can I borrow a cup of meatloaf?

Dylan, does this look like a restaurant?

All right, then how about a little conversation, then? You pick the topic.

say, oh, Europe.

Very subtle, Dylan.

But forget it. She won't let me go. She says I'm too young.

Well, I just want to say that I first went to Europe when I was 15 years old.

There were eight of us.

Three of them will be released next week.

But, you know, seriously, Brenda is missing out on a very big opportunity in

life. See, Mom, even my own teacher thinks it's a great idea to go.

Great. When you get there, send us a postcard.

And I'll be glad when I'm old enough to make my own decision.

Well, since no one's home, I might as well get the door.

And let yourself out.

They're out of meatloaf.

I have a serious problem.

I've known that for years.

My friend at the State Department set me up on this blind date, and he's picking

me up for dinner in an hour.

Well, thank you for gloating in my direction.

No, no, but Rose, Jeffrey called me, too, and he wants to take me out to

Jeffrey, that gorgeous airline pilot?

No, that's Jerry.

Jeffrey's the gorgeous navigator.

Two more dates and you'll have a round trip to Chicago.

Rose, you gotta do me a favor. Take this blind date from me, please. I asked all

my other girlfriends, but she said no.

Then this'll sound familiar.

No. Oh, come on now, Rose. Now, what do you got to lose? You never know. This

could be Mr.

Right. Sandra, I can't go out on such short notice. I gotta prepare. I need

time. He'll be here at six.

Six is a good time.

How do I look?

Girl, give me a butterfly net so I can catch your date's eyeballs when they pop

out.

Well, I'm ready for my date with Jeffrey.

I'm going to need that automatic pilot tonight with this dress on.

Oh, I don't know why I'm doing this.

To get a man, honey, to get a man.

Good afternoon, ladies.

I am looking for a Ms.

Rose Holloway.

I'm Rose Holloway.

Dark and handsome and tall, too.

Child, that's two dates.

Shall we go to dinner?

Well, where did you have in mind?

Well, that will be up to your date, His Highness.

His Highness?

Please tell me Highness is his last name.

I am Gordon, his chauffeur.

Before you go, could you reach up in here and change my light bulb?

Is there some delay, Gordon?

Oh, not at all, Highness. This is Ms.

Rose Holloway. Ms. Holloway, I am Lionel Philip Cabina, crown prince of the

island kingdom of Loma Loma.

Well, I'm convinced. Shall we go?

Don't you want to introduce your date to the rest of us?

That's Pearl Shade. That's Mary Jenkins.

Gordon, start your engines.

Oh, wait a minute. Hello.

Aren't you forgetting something?

I was trying to.

Hi. I'm Sandra Gluck.

Your royal highness.

I think it's only fair to tell you that I was the one originally selected to

dine with you this evening.

But she couldn't make it.

But she can now.

But, Alessandra.

Shall we go, Your Highness? We don't want to be late.

But first, it is a custom in my country to present my date with a small gift

before we go out.

Diamonds, Sandra.

Shall we?

Yes, we shall.

You got a gun on you?

Cause I'd like you to kill me.

Shoot. The one day I'm not packing one.

Oh, listen to this, honey.

This is an interesting article.

Ten ways to tell if your love life is ailing.

Number one, he comes home and curls up with his blueprints instead of his wife.

Mr. Duff. All right, baby, let's make mad passionate love.

That was quick. Got a cigarette?

Come in and tell me everything that happened.

Well, since I can't curl up with my wife, can I curl up with my blueprints?

Girl, it was fantastic.

Cocktails, dinner, dancing. And that was before we even got out the limo.

Well, what about the prints? Details, girl, details. Well, you're going to

out for yourself because I invited him up here to taste your peach cobbler. You

did? Yes, I did.

That's it.

Greetings, Mrs. Jenkins.

Your Highness.

Your Highness, this is my husband, Lester Jenkins.

And, honey, this is Prince Lionel of Loma Loma.

Pleased to meet you, Prince.

Thank you for having me here.

It is my custom to reward such hospitality with an emerald brooch.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

I didn't.

Rose told me that extreme generosity embarrasses some Americans.

Thank you, Rose.

So, Your Highness, how is it being the prince?

Prince is good.

King is better.

Mom, if I only go to Europe for half the summer, would you let me go then?

Not now, Brenda. We have company.

Prince, this is my daughter, Brenda Jenkins.

Honey, this is Prince Lionel of Loma Loma. A prince? A real prince?

Well, I used to be a frog, but...

Being a prince pays better.

Your mother's invited me for peach cobbler and ice cream.

Ice cream?

I'll get it, huh?

I'll get the peach cobbler. I'll help you marry.

Mom?

Later, Brenda, later.

Depression or just bad posture?

Bummed out.

My friends are going to Europe for the summer, and my parents won't let me go.

That surprises me.

I thought American women had been freed by Phil Donahue.

Not in this house.

Liberation doesn't kick in until you're 18.

In Loma Loma, women of 18 are eligible for Social Security.

You'd be considered a full -grown, responsible woman.

Sounds like my kind of place.

How would you like to take a tour of our embassy tomorrow?

Oh, I'd love to, but I'm going ice skating with my friends.

I always wanted to try that in my country.

But our refrigerators can't make the ice fast enough.

Why don't you come along and I can teach you?

I'd like to.

Then you're on.

Oh, Mary!

I just came over to... Oh!

I had no idea whatsoever that you'd be here. I thought that was somebody else's

limousine outside.

It's so nice to see you again, your richness.

And I must admire your pair of carumbas.

I guess some things are universal.

Carumbas is Lomanese for shoes.

Oh.

Sandra, what are you doing here?

Showing the prince my carumbas. Have you no shame?

My shoes marry my shoes.

I just thought the prince might like to see some Washington landmarks tomorrow.

You know, Tiffany's, Cartier's, Neiman Marcus.

invite the prince sightseeing.

Actually, Brenda's invited me to go ice skating tomorrow.

Brenda?

Well, try not to fall on your royal highness.

Mom! Mom!

Mom!

Oh, my goodness, what happened?

I hurt myself skating.

You went skating with the prince? Why, you double -crossing, backstabbing man,

Chaser.

But at least you're taking it well.

I just happened to be in the neighborhood with my skates and my tutu.

Yeah, we were so surprised to see Miss Clark go zooming by.

Zooming by? I didn't know you could skate.

I was zooming on my face.

and at his highness up the stairs, showed him the way, and knocked on the

for him.

And your graciousness is appreciated.

This is for you.

Oh.

Thank you. It's about time.

I have an important announcement to make.

I've met a very fascinating woman on this trip, and I've decided to ask her

be my wife.

She is also intelligent.

That's all right, Sandra. Someday your prince will come.

That's right, because this was mine.

No, no, ladies. You are both intriguing.

But I have chosen someone else.

Hot damn.

I finally hit the jackpot.

Sorry, Mother Pearl.

But the woman I have in mind is Brenda.

Brenda? Brenda.

Will you be my wife?

I'm waiting for your answer.

Well, wait no longer.

No.

Brenda is a mature woman. I think she can speak for herself.

Honey, honey, honey.

All right, Brenda, speak for yourself.

Well, since I'm old enough to make my own decisions, I think... Shut up,

Now, Prince, look now. What do you want to marry Brenda for anyway?

I mean, she hasn't even...

Sis Rose.

Rose, you couldn't have been a princess foe.

I mean, really.

What do you mean, I mean, really? I mean, really. Let me take that out of

legs for you, okay?

Nothing personal, ladies. You see... Shut up, y 'all. As I was saying,

in Loma Loma, the women only marry in their teens.

In the short time I've known Brenda, I've come to care for her deeply.

Well, listen, buddy, Brenda's my lady.

You can step outside and take care of this right now.

Sit down, Calvin. I'm her father. I'll handle this. But, Mr. Jenkins... Sit

down, Calvin. Mr. Jenkins, it's a matter of honor. If you insist, do you prefer

pistols, swords, or whips?

Did you say sit down, Mr. Jenkins?

I knew he'd embarrass me.

Listen, Brenda is not going to marry you. End of discussion.

I still have not heard from Brenda.

Okay. All right. Brenda, tell me.

Yes, I'll marry you.

There. What?

Are you crazy?

No, I'm going to marry Prince Lionel.

Splendid. Gordon will make all the necessary wedding arrangements.

You can arrange from now to doomsday, bud, which for you may come sooner than

you think.

It's going to be awfully hard to call you dad.

Here you go, babe.

Oh, thanks, honey.

Dylan, my mind is made up. I know what I'm doing.

Yeah, but Brenda, you can't get married.

You gotta finish high school, then go off to college.

Besides, you're the milk monitor this week.

Milk monitor?

Mom, Prince Lionel came by school today, and he wants his family to meet you.

We don't want to meet anybody.

And the wedding is off. That's final. Tell Lionel.

Well, I'm going to go call the store and register my wedding pattern.

Where's she going to register?

Toys R Us?

What are we going to do with her?

We? We. Did I say we? What did I say, we?

I just want you to know that I'm on your side. Although if we lose...

Can I bring a date to the reception?

Get out of here. Get out of here. All right, I'll come stand.

Goodbye, Dylan.

You know, Mary, these kids, you raise them, you feed them, you love them, and

then they turn on you just like pit bulls.

Relax, honey. Can't you see what she's up to?

Sure, I can see what she's up to. I'm her father. Fathers know about these

things.

What's she up to?

Europe. She's just trying to get up to let her go to Europe.

It's blackmail.

You really think so?

I know so.

I don't believe it.

You think your little girl is growing up and then she pulls a childish stunt

like this.

This is all your fault, Mary.

My fault? Yeah, she gets those sneaky jeans from you.

Aren't you confusing my mother with yours?

Look, don't play the dozens with me, woman.

Look,

if Brenda wants to get married, we'll just let her.

Only we'll just pretend to have the ceremony.

Well, what about the prince?

We'll put a mask and a robe on Calvin. Let him masquerade as the prince. Give

her a dose of her own medicine.

Yes! I love those sneaky tears.

I do, too.

Calvin.

Listen, Princey, I would love to sit here and discuss world affairs with you,

but I'm kind of in a hurry.

I see you're carrying a Lomanese wedding robe and the traditional wedding mask.

Ask me why.

Ask me why.

It's obvious.

Brenda's preparing for our wedding. Guess again, Loma -breath.

Brenda never intended to marry you.

She's just trying to get her folks to send her to Europe.

Then what is the wedding here for?

See, folks plan a fake wedding to teach a lesson.

And I am the lucky girl.

Well, if what you're saying is true...

Brenda should be taught a lesson. Yeah, Miss Clark's friend down at the State

Department gave us all the wedding information.

Then I take it this is going to be a real authentic wedding.

Yep. We have all the traditional stuff.

Even the unborn chestnuts?

Unborn chestnuts.

Oh, you cannot have a wedding without the chestnuts.

I'll have Gordon take you to the embassy to get some.

But the wedding's gonna start any minute.

Gordon.

Oh, how you doing, Gordon?

No, dear.

They'd never approve.

They're not as open -minded as your father and I.

I'm so lucky.

Still time to change your mind, Brand.

Oh, no, Daddy. This is the happiest day of my life.

That must be the anxious groom now.

Well, this is it. Are you sure you want me to open that door?

No, Mom.

I thought so.

Let Dad do it. He's closer.

Happy couple come center.

Read us the order of the ceremony.

Their sweaty bodies dried in the sand as she looked at... Oh, wrong book.

First, the father of the bride strikes the marriage drum, signifying the number

of children that she shall have.

hampers in the world.

Then, the sacred jubu petals are tossed upon the bride by the virgin

neighbor.

That's you, Sandra.

Me. Oh, yeah.

Jubu petals signify a life of love and happiness.

Tradition has it that the virgin neighbor, that's me.

and the woman upon whose head they fall shall have everlasting love, peace,

contentment at a house in the south of France.

Now we do the traditional passing of the stones.

My cousin did that last month.

Next, the mother of the bride takes the peacock feathers and does the dance of

the peacock.

This ain't no African ceremony.

What does it say there?

Mary, Africa's not the only place they dance. Go on, just dance, dance.

What

kind

of peacock dances there?

Clunky peacock.

This better be over soon. The virgin neighbor has a commitment tonight.

The deer hunter.

Now the prince will walk around the bride three times, which makes this

official.

That's one ringy dingy.

Mary Brenda's holding up pretty good.

She's just waiting for us to cave in.

One more time around and I'll be a princess.

I'm going to put a stop to this right now.

Relax, honey.

It's Calvin, remember?

Any minute now she'll be begging our forgiveness.

I'm married.

I am sorry I'm late.

Calvin!

Calvin! But you just married Brenda.

I am afraid not.

Dad?

I can't be married. My parents set the whole thing up.

You mean you knew? I overheard you talking in the kitchen and I knew the

was fake.

Sorry. This was an authentic ceremony.

We are now man and wife.

Like hell you are.

Daddy, you tell him. Daddy, I don't want to be married. I don't want to go to

Loma Loma. I don't want to go to Europe. I don't want to leave this living room.

You should have thought of that before, Brenda.

My intentions were honorable.

Yours were self -serving.

Mom! Oh, I think you have more to say than that. The prince was right, you

You brought this on yourself.

May, whose side are you on?

No, Mom is right.

I may not be ready to make all my own decisions, but I know I owe everybody an

apology, especially you, Prince Lionel. I accept your apology.

You better do better than that. You better divorce her. I had every

doing so.

Another five minutes, you could have had community property.

Do we need lawyers?

No, just feet.

All I have to do is walk around Brenda three times the opposite way.

Well, start tricking, Chad.