Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame away.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I know we can try. Cause there's no place like

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there ain't no place

like. There ain't no place like. Cause there ain't no

place like. There's no place like. I mean no -play child.

Woman with eggnog coming through.

Where's the nut man? Woman with eggnog going back.

Okay, Mom, the mistletoe's up. Quick, call Calvin before it wilts.

Oh, no.

I got a better idea. You call Billy Dee Williams and I'll stand under the

mistletoe.

You're in a good mood today, Mom.

Well, that's because it's Christmas Eve. And we should remember.

If things go wrong, it's the season to be jolly.

Fa -la -la -la -la -la -la.

Hi. Oh, Edna!

It needs more nutmeg.

Oh, Naomi.

I won't be able to make your Christmas party tonight.

It's nothing personal. It's just that something better came along.

Well, Miss Clark, everybody's coming to the party to exchange gifts.

Oh, don't worry. I'll drop your gifts off before I leave.

Oh, that's not necessary, Sandra.

Your leaving will be gift enough.

Well, where will you be going, Miss Clark?

Yours truly will be spending her Christmas Eve on her boyfriend Phil's

jet on our way to Bethlehem.

Wow!

Bethlehem is real!

No, Pennsylvania.

Hi, Daddy.

Ooh!

Man, mistletoe!

That's the unfiring squad.

They believe in us.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Merry Christmas.

Hi, honey.

Hi, baby.

Boy, that department store was insane.

Oh, my poor baby fighting off all those harried shoppers just to buy me a...

What'd you say you were getting me?

I never said, but that's a nice charm, eh?

Is it those diamond earrings you've been promising me for years? The ones you

want so badly that I'd be a fool if I didn't get them for you sooner or later?

Uh -huh.

Never heard of them.

Hi, everyone.

Oh, Alexandra, there you are.

Well, it's Christmas Eve. Are you excited?

Actually, I'm feeling a little sad.

Oh, that's right. This is your first Christmas away from home.

Is it because you miss your daddy?

No, it's because school closed.

She is so weird.

Here's the final eggnog.

Drink it or wear it.

I'm drinking, I'm drinking.

Who put all this nutmeg in here?

Alexandria, would you like to put the star on the tree?

No, thanks.

Well, then how about you get your stocking and I'll hang it up here with

rest of them? Isn't that a little childish?

Alexandria, haven't you ever hung your stocking by the fire?

Only when they were wet.

Honey, exactly what do you do at Christmas time?

Nothing. You see, when I was a little kid, my father and I decided we'd never

celebrate Christmas.

I know I'm going to hate myself for asking, but why?

Because Christmas is too commercial.

It's all about people spending money they don't have in order to buy other

people things they don't need.

That's not true. Everything on my list I need.

Alexandria, honey, gifts are just one way of showing people that you care.

See, that's what Christmas is about.

Sharing and love.

Maybe for you it is, but not for me.

How can someone not believe in Christmas?

Oh, you heard her, Rose. She's never really had one.

Well, her father's away and she's staying with us. And if there's anybody

can turn someone on to the Christmas spirit, it's this family.

Right. Even if we have to ram it down her precocious little throat.

Who's gonna be the first to try my famous Christmas fruitcake?

Now, don't everybody fight over it. That's pretty for everybody. Lester?

Um, actually, Pearl, your fruitcake looks pretty good.

So does the leather jacket.

And they taste about the same.

You know, this food is even better than it was last year. Thanks, everybody.

You really outdid yourself with the sweet potato pie, Rose. Oh, thank you,

Pearl. But you know, it doesn't compare to Mary. Please come.

Oh, Rose.

Now, you see there, Alexandria, you see how this season just brings out the best

in everybody?

People are always in good moods at parties. Oh, well, it kind of does.

Let me handle this, Mary.

Now, Alexandria, this holiday has a very special meaning. You take away the

Christmas tree, you take away the mistletoe, you take away all this

food, and what have you got?

Hanukkah.

She's all yours, Mary.

Merry Christmas, Alexandria.

Hello, Miss Clark.

To say anything else would be hypocritical.

Ooh.

What's with little Ebenezer's new jet?

She doesn't believe in Christmas.

Doesn't believe in Christmas?

Kid, Christmas is the one time a year when you make out like a bandit.

Sandra, didn't you say you had some place to go?

Yeah, yeah, I'll meet my date outside, Phil.

Alexandria, this is the time of year when Santa Claus gets in his sleigh and

flies all over the world to bring good little girls toys and games and dolls

diamonds.

Santa Claus.

Get real, Miss Clark.

Okay, listen up.

When I was a little girl, I used to stay up all night on Christmas Eve waiting

for Santa, just tingling. with anticipation.

So excited I couldn't get a wink of sleep.

Sounds very stressful.

Did I say what I was wearing? Goodbye, Sandra.

Bye, everybody. Merry Christmas.

Bye. Merry Christmas.

Imagine that child not believing in Sandy Claus.

May as well not believe in Bill Cole.

out on a cold night like this.

Freezing my antlers off.

Well,

I'd sure like to stay and find out if you're naughty or nice, but you know,

St. Nick, got a lot of Christmas cheer to spread around.

Yeah, the little kids must be expecting a lot of... Oh, you... Santa, how would

you like to do a special Christmas favor for me?

Ho, ho, ho.

No, no, no.

No, there's a little girl upstairs. who could use some of your Christmas cheer.

Oh, a little girl.

Well, look, I'd really like to help, lady, but this is my busy season. Merry

Christmas. Ho, ho, ho.

But Santa, Santa, it would mean a lot to me.

An awful lot.

Sandra, what are you doing back?

Alexandria.

Got anything for me?

Oh, just a little sage advice, young man.

College women, go for it. Ho, ho, ho.

Well, where's the little girl who doesn't believe in Christmas?

Alexandria, say hello to Santa Claus.

He came all the way from the North Pole just to meet you.

Is that the magnetic North Pole or the geographic North Pole?

It's the one with all the snow.

Oh, you're just a guy in a suit.

Well, old St. Nick has got to wear something.

It's the law.

Well, I think you're funny.

Well, look, of course I'm not the real Santa Claus, but do you want to know why

I'm really dressed like this?

Because it's your job and you're getting paid for it.

No, because for the last six hours, I've been giving out gifts and candy canes

to children who otherwise wouldn't have any Christmas at all.

You mean you do that to make them feel good?

Well, yes, but mostly to make me feel good.

Right, because that's what Christmas is all about.

Oh, Mrs. Jenkins, do you still want me to put that star on the tree?

Now you're talking.

I say we ignore it.

description of the suspect.

Settle down one at a time.

Now, uh, you, miss, can you give me an identification?

Well, I got a cute little beauty mark, but I don't think it's the place to show

it.

Officer, I can tell you what he looked like. All right.

He had a red nose, a red suit, and a twinkle in his eye. A beard like cotton

candy. And a round...

seen this guy.

Hey, I got it. It's Santa Claus.

Well, they sent the best.

Oh, Santa. See?

You know, what is this world coming to?

I hate this job.

Well, we've been over the neighborhood. That dude is long gone.

Yeah, all we found was this.

I'll get an APB out on him right away.

Next thing you know, the Easter Bunny's gonna be knocking off liquor stores.

When they catch that weasel, I hope they throw the book at him. Yeah.

Why'd we let him in here in the first place?

We didn't.

All right, go ahead and say it. I know you're thinking it. It's all my fault. I

bought the guy a picture. Say it. It's all my fault.

It's all your fault.

Why did you say that?

I was just trying to help Alexandria.

This wouldn't have happened if you weren't normal, little child.

Christmas I have ever had.

How about that Christmas you got your tonsils taken out? Well, the doctor took

them out. He didn't steal them.

I can't believe this.

Christmas without any gifts.

It's gonna be just like any other day. All that money we spent down the drain.

You see what happens?

Once the gifts are gone, the spirit goes with them.

Oh, wait a minute, everybody. She's right.

Here we are talking about Christmas being about loving and caring, and all

doing is moaning and groaning about gifts.

Yeah, I agree. So we don't have any presents. That's not the important

Right. Everybody knows it's the thought that counts.

I want plenty, Mom.

Those are just words.

They are not, Brenda, and I'll prove it to you.

Honey, how would you have liked tickets to the Bullets and Lakers game?

Oh, man.

Oh, yeah, right.

That's right.

That's the best game I never saw.

Uh, Brenda.

How would you like to have had an iridescent purple watch?

You got me the watch, and that guy took it. But wasn't that nice of your father?

Oh, yeah.

Thanks, Daddy.

Rose, remember that silk scarf we saw in the window at Gildorf's?

He stole my scarf!

Oh, Mary, that was so thoughtful of you.

And it was the designer's original, one of a kind.

I got you the same thing, Rose.

Who was the designer, Zero?

Oh, uh, you see, Alexandra, I'm twice blessed.

Calvin, where'd you get your grandmother?

What difference does it make? It's gone.

Oh, Grandma, I got you something you've always wanted.

Your very own Walkman.

Oh, you're such a good boy, Calvin.

I should have got you something.

You guys are really losing it. I mean, you don't have any of these things.

I know, but look how good we feel.

Daddy, what'd you get, Mom?

Oh, babe, I got you those diamond earrings.

What?

You should have got them last year. Then I would have them instead of that no

-good sewer rack. Mary!

Shut up, Rose!

All you lost was a lousy scarf. We're talking diamonds here.

Mary, what happened to it's the thought that counts.

Another cliche bites the...

Well, I guess I blew that.

That girl is hopeless.

Well, you know, nobody's hopeless.

They used to say I was hopeless when I was a kid, but look at me now.

What's your point, son?

Well, I say we still keep trying. You know, let's don't give up hope yet.

The only thing that can show Alexandria the true spirit of Christmas is if that

Santa would have a change of heart and came back.

For what, the TV?

It would take a miracle for that no -good Santa to come back.

Yeah, a miracle.

Uh, that reminds me.

I've got to go and deck the halls with boughs of holly.

Yeah, and I've got to go roast my chestnuts on an open fire.

Uh, all right. Uh, the Harold Angels thing.

Uh, I got to get out of here, too, babe.

But they took all the songs.

I'm not sure, but I'll go check.

Merry Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas! Excuse me, Santa.

Where'd you get that costume?

Lady, I didn't hear the jingle of coins in the pot.

Oh.

Okay, jingle, jingle.

Acme Costume Company. Thank you. They closed five years ago.

Look, I'm desperate to get a Santa costume.

Hey, how about yours?

How much would you take for it?

Twenty dollars.

Twenty dollars?

But it's for a worthy cause.

I'm trying to get a little girl to believe in Christmas.

Thirty dollars.

Well, how do I look?

Not half as good as I do.

Well, thanks again, child.

Hey, thank you.

It's ladies' night at the hockey game.

Christmas gifts, little girl.

That's close enough.

I need you to open the front door for me.

But who carries the key to the front door? It's always open.

Well, Rose must have locked it because of the theft.

Oh, I like your outfit, Mary.

Got a new tailor?

I'm dressed like this because I want to convince Alexandria that the thief had a

change of heart.

For once, Mary, you and I think alike.

Why does that bother me?

I went and got some gifts. I went to the drugstore. I got some samaras. I got

some cough drops. I got a house. What about I got a mustard plaster?

Good. Now all you need is the flu.

Come on, help me open the window.

Oh, no, Mary. You're doing it all wrong.

And I guess you have a better idea.

Mm -hmm. You need just the right touch.

Okay.

Be my guest.

Well,

Fingers, I hope you didn't kill Pearl's cat.

Obviously. We heard there was a gang of Santa Claus thieves working the

neighborhood. Oh, no, you don't understand. We live here.

Oh, this is your apartment.

Are you kidding? Did you see the project in there?

Okay, we're going to take a little trip downtown.

Oh, no, no, no, Mary, Mary, Mary.

Officer,

I can explain.

There's a guy wearing my dress, and he's got my keys. He's on the way to the

hockey game.

This lady was just trying to help me get in, because we got some mustard

plaster, some cough drops.

And some thermometers.

in the next cell trying to sleep.

Oh, by the way, Miss Clark, I rescheduled your beauty parlor

10 a .m. Tuesday.

You got Mr.

Betty.

nobody told anybody.

You didn't tell anybody.

I thought you'd think it was a stupid idea.

That never stopped you before.

jail. Why did we go wrong?

We thought if we could make Alexandra think the thief had a change of heart,

she'd understand the meaning of Christmas.

You mean you went through all that for me?

You really must care about me.

Of course we do.

You really ought to be ashamed of yourself.

What do you mean? You give Santa a bad name.

Hey!

That's the guy that stole our stuff!

Hey, are you gonna believe a bunch of jailbirds?

You ain't him.

Throw me a key.

Ripping people off drafts like that. You all are free to go.

Thanks for coming.

Hey,

you're not going to press charges, are you? Oh, you bet we are.

Yo, bro, where's your Christmas spirit?

Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, hell.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, I guess it lets me off the hook. It's going to be a wonderful Christmas

have to all.

Excuse me all the way.

I was just coming to release you guys.

How did you get out?

The other guard let us out when he put the thief in.

Oh, what other guard? I'm the only one on duty.

Oh, well, Merry Christmas.

Gee, that was strange.

Well, strange or not, I'm glad to get out of here.

Yeah, let's go home.

Yeah, it's almost Christmas.

That a girl.

Say, Mary, you know that other guard had a white beard and a twinkle in his eye.

Now, you don't suppose... Oh, no, what am I saying? Let's go home.

Thank you.