Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you're loved, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no

like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with the same old ways.

Pulled together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends at...

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like that. There ain't no place like that. There

ain't no place like, there's no place like home.

I mean, no place, child.

Oh,

Mary, this is a beautiful dress.

It reminds me of my first wedding dress.

It's still in the closet.

Pearl, I didn't realize you were that sentimental.

Sentimental? I'm waiting to wear it again.

And again.

And again.

Girl, this dress is going to knock Lester's eyes out.

Well, I'll tell you one thing, honey.

If the dress don't, the bill will.

Well, I don't think Lester should object.

He gets an award, you get a dress.

It's in the wife's handbook, Article 4, Section 3.

Well, what's this award for?

Oh, it's for Lester's uncle's club, the Owls. Oh.

Lester donated a lot of time to building their boys' club, so they made him Man

of the Year.

I used to call my first husband Man of the Month.

Why? That's how often he came home.

expect to see two dummies.

You see how merry I am? I told you about her. Come on, let's go.

Come on in here, woman.

Sandra, what are you doing with that thing?

Practicing. I thought you were over -trained already.

It's for my new job, window dressing at Benson's Department Store.

Who is that, your boss?

They sent him home with me to work on. I've been dressing him in high...

clothes, and I want to try something ordinary.

Can I borrow something, Alyssa?

Don't you and that dummy have someplace to go?

You know, I may be crazy, but I think he's kind of cute.

Oh, you're a desperate girl.

You better get you a date, and soon.

Well, what do you think I'm trying to do?

Hey, baby, pick me up today.

Rose, he's mine.

You know, Sandra, he may be the perfect man for you.

You'd never have to cook for him.

Or worry about him snoring at night.

Or wait to get in the bathroom.

Yeah, and I'd never have to tell him where I've been.

And if he looks like another woman, all you gotta do is unscrew his head.

And if he could dance, I'd marry him myself.

What makes you think he can't dance?

Hmm, he should have seen us on the bus.

Sure another one, huh?

Well, you know, when you're hot, you're hot.

Come on, let's go home, baby.

Hi. Hi, Edmund.

Bye, Sandra.

Hey, remember Uncle Edmund?

Hi, Rose. Hi.

Pearl. Hi.

Hello, Mary.

Hi, Uncle Edmund. Good to see you again. Indeed it is.

Uncle Edmund's going to help me with my acceptance speech. Oh, I'm so excited.

As you can see, I am looking forward to it.

Mary, something I got to tell you.

You see, this club is a men's club and has some very strict rules.

Oh, you hear that, Lester?

No necking in the hallway.

Mary, I think what he's trying to say is... Why don't you tell her what you're

trying to say, Aunt?

Well... In 53 years, not one woman has set foot in that club.

You know what that means?

Yeah, it means it got two feet of dust on the floor.

Wait a minute.

Are you trying to tell me I can't go to the dinner?

I'm sorry, Mary, but rules are rules.

Come on, Lester, I'll work with you with your speech in here.

Honey, I feel awful.

Yeah, baby.

I feel bad about it, too, but if you don't want me to go, I won't.

Let me put this another way. If you really don't want me to go, I won't go.

Oh, I want you to go. Okay, fine.

I just want to go with you. Mary!

Okay, okay. Rules are rules.

Look, I'm going to go work on my speech.

Look, it could have been worse. At least he told you before you ran out and

bought a new dress.

Ain't that a blip?

Not only am I not going to the dinner,

even notice my dress.

Well, he would have if you had left his price tag on.

Oh, just forget about it, Mary. It's an old, dumb club.

Oh, it's not the club, Pearl. I mean, I don't mind if men want to have a club

and be by themselves, but this is a special night for Lester and I want to

there. Well, why don't we go down ahead of time and talk to them? Maybe they'll

make an exception.

And if they don't? Well, we just turn on the old charm.

May I be of service to you?

I'm Albert Henry, president of the Owls. So you're the big bird.

Hello,

Mr. Henry.

I'm Mrs. Jenkins, and these are my friends, Mrs. Holloway and Mrs. Shea.

you do, Mrs. Shea?

Your organization is presenting my husband, Lester, with an award Friday

You're Lester's wife? Yes. I'm delighted to meet you.

We're all so fond of Lester here.

He's been so generous with his time and talent.

You should be very proud of him. Oh, I am.

That's why it's so important to me that I be here to see him receive the award.

My good woman, not only should you be here, you should be seated next to your

husband in the place of honor.

Oh, what a nice man.

You see, Maria, all you have to do is talk to him.

That's so nice of you, Mr. Henry.

I also thought I might make a little speech.

And so you shall, when he gets home and you greet him at the door.

What you talking about, Mr. Henry?

You told me that you thought I should be up there with him. Well, I think you

should. Unfortunately, the rules say you shan't.

You know it's against the law to discriminate against women.

We don't discriminate.

We just don't let them in.

Ladies? Just a minute, Big Bird.

Now, I demand to talk to the board of directors.

As you wish.

They meet once a year.

On Susan B. Anthony's birthday.

Don't you double -talk me, you big -eyed owl.

Owls, they ain't nothing but a bunch of turkeys.

Mary, the hair flew off my dummy.

It's the last time I undress in front of him.

probably scared him to death.

Can I borrow something? Why don't you just nail that sucker back on his head?

Ooh.

What's the matter with Mary?

Oh, those turkeys down at the men's club won't let Mary see Lester get his

award.

Talking about they don't allow women on the premises.

I wonder what they do down there all that time anyway without women.

Can't be much fun.

Oh, you know, they probably just sit around and lie to each other. You know

men are when they get together?

Hey, Sam.

Hey, Charlie.

How did you, uh, how did you get the old ball and chain to let you out with a

night with boys?

Well, men don't talk that way.

They talk this way.

Hey, man, did you see that Sondra cry?

I want

to

shower her with diamonds. I want to give her furs. I want to take her on trips.

Speaking of tripping.

Anyway, it ain't what men say, it's how they move.

Get down!

Uh -oh.

That's it, that's it, that's it.

Hey, baby, we're shaking.

Nothing but the bacon, and that's taken.

Well, the leaves on the trees are shaking, but they wouldn't be shaking if

wasn't for the breeze.

I was just imitating an owl.

Oh, well, just don't fly away.

You just fly away, little bird.

Oh, Mary, I'm dying to know what goes on in that club. Just think, a room full

of men.

Oh, it gives me the chills.

Well, I'm curious, too, but I guess we'll never know.

Yeah, I'll never see Lester get that award.

Hey, everybody.

How are the lovely ladies today?

Angry.

That's why our club is for men only. Women are always angry.

I resent that, Uncle Edmund. Women are not always angry, even though we have a

perfect right to be. See?

Don't get upset, Uncle. Sometimes she just flies off the handle and just

running off to apologize.

I was married, too, you know.

Excuse me.

Can I see you in the kitchen?

Uh -oh. No, no, I got it covered.

Uh -oh!

And just why are you taking his side? I am not taking his side. You're just mad

because you can't go to the dinner.

I'm not mad about your old stupid dinner.

Oh, so now my dinner's stupid? Yeah, from a stupid club with stupid rules.

Well, that's the way it is. They don't let women in, and you just have to

it. Maybe I do, and maybe I don't.

Hey, how about some lunch? Mary, would you fix me a tuna?

Hey, how you doing? Say, Joe, who are we honoring tonight, brother? Some guy

named Lester Perkins.

Lester Perkins?

That Jenkins man.

You know him?

I was at his wedding.

Settle a bet for us.

When did Joe Namath play for the Jets?

Every Sunday.

Every Sunday?

That's a good one.

Hey, say, you ever play football?

Yeah.

Used to call me Scootback.

Oh, no. No, you mean Scatback.

No. Every time they give me the ball, I Scootback.

What are you doing here? You didn't think I was going to loan you all these

clothes and miss out on all the fun?

Besides, it was worth coming just for the secret handshake. Stop that.

Now get out of here before you blow my cover. You don't even look like a man.

Me? You still got your hand on your head.

Brothers,

brothers, no arguing here.

That's why you got out of the house tonight, remember?

Oh, yeah, yeah, man.

Yeah, yeah, give me five.

I don't believe I've seen you fellas around. I'm Albert Henry.

Hello, Bob.

Bob. Then I must be Steve.

You know, Bob, you look familiar.

I think I've seen you around somewhere. What business are you in?

Uh, I work for IBM.

IBM. My son -in -law's with IBM.

You didn't let me finish.

I work for IBMW.

Goodbye. You will all take your seats now.

Dinner will be served.

Well, gentlemen, enjoy yourselves.

With all these gentlemen here, I know I'm enjoying myself.

Come on now, Mary, relax. Everything's cool. They think we guys.

Excuse me.

I have a couple of seats at my table if you fellows want to join me.

Ooh!

marvelous evening, so everybody relax and enjoy this good dinner. Get to it

What? No dancing?

No dancing.

Hey, Bob, you're getting kind of flabby.

Nope, you got a strong grip.

What you been working out?

Oh, yeah, man, I've been pumping iron.

Say, did you hear the one about the weightlifting and the farmer's daughter?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we heard that one. It's a good joke.

I never heard that word.

You see, this weightlifter stops at the farmhouse.

Now, the farmer got seven daughters and six bedrooms.

Now, the thing about it... Mary,

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Where's the ladies' room?

Two blocks down at the Texaco Station.

That sure was a good dinner.

Yeah, better than... my wife's cooking. Of course, anything's better than my

wife's cooking.

Hey, man, why don't you cook for yourself?

Hey, brother, that's a woman's biggest joy in life.

Next to folding our underwear.

All these guys complaining about their wives.

I'm glad I never got tied down.

Oh, you're not married?

Just to my yacht.

Say, uh, Joe.

And my plane?

Say, uh, Joe.

Uh, I know a girl that could really go for you.

Yeah? Is she pretty?

Gorgeous.

Hey, say, you guys want something from the bar?

Uh, no, no, no, no, no, man. We cool.

Oh, come on. We got the toast last time. Yeah.

Okay. A banana daiquiri.

A banana daiquiri? Hey, that's a woman's drink.

Don't peel the banana.

We'll get you something to put a little hair on your chest, huh?

Would you like to try one?

Try one.

Just got off the plane from Havana.

Yeah, it's got jet lag.

My boyfriends will love them.

Boyfriends? Did I say boyfriends? No, I meant girlfriends.

Your girlfriends smoke cigars?

My girlfriend's boyfriend's dude.

Congratulations, Lester.

Hey, thank you.

Lester. Lester. Mary, straighten your mustache.

Lester, I want you to meet Joe Henderson.

Pardon me.

Joe, this is Lester Jenkins.

Hi. Pleased to meet you. My pleasure. And this fellow here is, um... Bob.

Hi. Steve.

You guys must have great lungs.

I know I do.

And here's Celeste.

Smooth.

Say, Bob, have we met before?

Uh, I've been to Pangle Pangle, Walla Walla, Bora Bora.

Well, you do go to every place twice.

Please. We'd better get back.

You know, that little guy with the deep voice looks like my wife's brother.

Before we get to the presentations, I'd like to make a few remarks. Now, I'm

like a mosquito at a nudist camp. I hardly know where to begin.

But I would like to say that... Mr. Redmond.

Gentlemen.

I've just received some disturbing news.

A lady's compact.

has been found on the premises.

What? A compact.

Where there's a compact, there's lipstick.

Where there's lipstick, there's a purse.

And where there's a purse, there's a woman.

Oh, a broad.

Now, we've got to find her.

Close the doors, search the closets.

We're going to find her. We have to spend all night.

I'll bet that's Barney. Wilson with his practical jokes again.

Now, why would you think it was me?

There will be a complete investigation of this matter later, but for the

let's get to the award.

And to present the man who will make the award to our man of the year, let's

have a double hoot for the president of the Order of the Owl, Albert Henry.

Fill him out.

It is my pleasure to present this award to the nephew of a fellow owl. Yes, sir.

I hope you all had the opportunity of meeting this outstanding individual.

He's a fine man.

We're working on making him a fine owl.

Our man of the year, Lester Jenkins.

Thank you, President Henry.

It's an honor to receive an award from the Order of the Owl.

I've never received an award before, unless you count the one for running the

wrong way with the football and scoring a touchdown for the other team.

Barney, please.

If I've accomplished anything in life, it's due to one individual, my loving

wife. And I must tell you, we got in a big argument today because she wasn't

allowed to be here.

She's always stood by me and comforted me, and I should always stand by her.

And when I get home tonight, the first thing I'm going to say to her is, baby,

this is for you, too.

That

must

be the guy who lost his comeback.

Gentlemen, a handshake would have sufficed.

Mary! This is an outrage.

having an operation?

This is disgraceful.

In 53 years, no woman has ever crossed our threshold.

Well, this woman is my wife, and I'm glad she's here.

Oh, I didn't want to cause any trouble. I just wanted to be with my husband.

Oh, let her stay. I can't stand this lagging.

Yeah, but she'll put the mustache back on.

Sorry, rules are rules.

Once you take your mustache off, you can't put it back on.

Sergeant in arms.

My pleasure. No.

You just hold it right there.

Now, if you guys don't want women in your clubs, that's fine with me. But

is a special occasion.

Don't you realize that you're depriving your own members from sharing this

occasion with their families?

We're not asking you to break the rules. We're just asking you to bend them a

little.

Oh, I can't stand this no more.

I told her she was going to show.

Steve, is that you?

You know, Miss Jenkins may be right.

Maybe we have been missing something.

There's definitely something in what she was saying.

I second the motion.

What motion?

Her motion.

All those in favor of allowing women on special occasions say aye.

Aye!

Opposed? Nay!

I don't want to share these guys with a bunch of women.

Motion carried.

Fifty -three years of tradition down the drain.

And not a moment too soon.

This is a wonderful night.

Just needs one more thing to make it perfect. Yeah, I know what you mean.

Come on, big guy.

Let's go shoot some pools.