All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s11e08 Spa Wars

You need to see a doctor.

No, I don't. But they'll just say it's
cancer and I'd rather not know.

The mole's malignant.

I've got to have a scan to see if it's
spread.

What'll I do when you are far away

and I am blue?

What'll I do when I...

They've got an absolutely beautiful
house waiting for me in New Zealand.

Gorgeous views, stunning landscape,
beach goes on forever.

Sounds like Clapton on a good day.

I would have liked to have spent more
time with you before leaving.

Strange that every time I suggested a
meeting, you were having coffee with

publisher. What can I say? My publisher
loves a skinny white.

We could still keep in touch.

Email, Skype, carrier pigeon, smoke
signal, semaphore.

Just a moment.

Ow!

Be here, Wiggin.

You should be carrying that heavy
basket.

Why? I haven't got cancer of the arms.

You haven't got cancer full stop, all
right? Your only medical experience is a

lifetime of calling sick notes at a
doctor.

I'll wait for the scan results before I
open the Prosecco.

All I'm saying is, if the boys want
clean clothes for their music festival,

can wash them themselves.

And which one of my boys does this
belong to?

This is your dirty washing. I found it
beside your bed.

That was a clean pile.

Look, I'll sort it later. You should
rest.

What's up, Mum? Not well?

No, I'm fine.

You know me, Travis, just like to pull
my weight.

That's it.

Make him really suspicious.

Anyone offers you drugs at this music
festival. I know, I know.

Shop around, make sure I get the best
price.

All right.

Ask Sharon.

She had her ear glued to the door for
most of the conversation.

I have no idea what you're talking
about.

When are you off to New Zealand, then,
Naomi?

Tomorrow.

Bet you're excited.

Shall I answer that one or do you want
to?

It's a great opportunity.

Shame, though. I mean, you've just found
each other and you're off to the other

side of the world.

Discover Dorian's your mum and move to
New Zealand.

I get that.

It's only for three years and I'm sure
I'll be back and forth.

On church business.

I hear the three of you are off to a
health spa.

Yeah. It was either that or all -you
-can -drink mega hen weekend in

Obviously, I was outvoted.

Look, I'm afraid I'm going to have to
get going.

Oh, yeah!

You've got your leave in doing 45
minutes.

Possibly.

Look, is it OK if I quickly use your
loo? You take as long as you need, love.

You really have got a nerve.

Naomi and I were having a very emotional
conversation.

It didn't sound very emotional to me.

Tracey got more upset when Travis went
up to big school.

Well, what do you expect?

She barges into my life, lets me get to
know her, and just as I become...

..accustomed to her, she disappears. How
dare she?

After all you haven't done for her.

Skipping breakfast.

I'm pre -loading.

Once we get to that spa, I won't see a
carb until Monday.

Is that all you're taking to the music
festival?

Yeah. It's free nights, so I've got free
T -shirts, free pants, free socks.

I've just got to pick the bike up now.

Why do you have to go by motorbike? Why
couldn't you just hire a...

Turn up in a Nissan Micra like a couple
of librarians. That's right. We need to

rock up all badass and bandanas.

By the way, you will be pleased to know
I have sorted out what I'm doing with

the rest of my life.

Again? Look, I've got this mate who's in
on the ground floor of the next big

thing in takeaways, yeah?

So let me ask you a question.

What is the best natural source of
protein?

Oh, that's easy. It's dormium.

What?

It's insects.

Exactly. Ants, locusts, they're full of
nutrition.

What, so you mean something like
southern fried cockroaches?

Yeah. I thought your big plan was to win
MasterChef and open a string of

restaurants. Well, that's a bit of a
long shot. This idea's much more solid.

Well, of the two, Garth, I'd say that
this is the one that's a couple of

short of a dunghill.

I don't think it's going to work, love.

Really?

Ah, well.

MasterChef it is.

Come on in, Bob.

Bye, Mum.

Stick together.

Love you.

Just had this horrible vision. What
happens the next time someone comes to

Garfield with a mad idea?

And I'm not here to put him straight.

But you will be here.

We don't know what the scan's going to
say. Stop all that negativity stuff,

Trace. You're going to be fine.

You can't live in denial.

Yes, I can.

It's nice and it's sunny and everyone's
happy. Move in.

What are you looking at? Pictures of New
Zealand.

No. Clapton on a good day.

Just found out they don't sell booze at
the bar.

They only sell spinach smoothies.

And you're not supposed to be drinking
fizzy drinks either.

It's diet.

It's still full of additives. Not this
one. It's full of vodka.

Work out what treatments you're having.

Well, I know what I'm not having.

I'm not having any of that... colonic
irrigation malarkey.

If anyone comes within three foot of my
jacksie with a bit of garden hose,

they'll have their arm off at the elbow.

But I think I'll kick off with a nice
leg wax.

They don't need waxing, they need
mowing.

And what are you having done first?

Your face ironed?

Or your knockers pleated?

my own ways of staying in shape. Thank
you, Sharon.

He looks right up your alley door.

I think I know him. I'm sure that's
Roger Thornhill.

We had a three -day fling at a golf
resort just after my divorce.

Meant I was able to get two things out
my system in one go.

Marcus and my ambition to get a hole in
one.

I think that's him. He hardly looks a
day older.

Excuse me, I need to take a closer look.

Look at her.

Like a meat -seeking missile.

Shall, I need to talk to you about my
will.

Look, stop talking like you're not going
to be here.

It's tempting fate.

No, it's not. It's being practical.

No, it's weird, and I don't want to hear
it.

I'd rather have me chakras realigned.

What are chakras?

I don't know.

Well, I reckon you're bending mine right
out of shape.

I'm sorry, but are you following me?

It is Roger, isn't it?

Roger Thornhill.

Yes.

Dorian. Dorian Green.

I'm sorry.

The golf resort at Marbella.

The bunker.

All those jokes about you swinging to
the right.

I'm terribly sorry.

Honestly, I think you've got the wrong
man.

I don't think so.

How many Roger Thornhills will look
exactly like you are there in the world?

Just the two.

Me and my dad.

It wasn't fantastic in the seat of my
pants.

The brakes just need tweaking.

Don't worry.

Greasy Steve taught me everything you
need to know about bikes.

Greasy Steve?

He's a mechanic, right? Not just some
random bloke who don't wash.

He's a bit of both, actually.

That's a bit firm, love. You can have me
roots out.

Where's my masseuse?

Having an early tea break.

I told her we need to have a little
chat.

You're hurting me.

Well, then stop struggling and listen.

I've decided that if anything happens to
me, I'm leaving the house to you.

Me? Well, I can't leave it to the boys,
can I?

Go off yourself his half for a handful
of magic beans or set up a restaurant

that serves 50 different types of bats.

But I'm not cut out for home ownership,
Trace.

Remember that time I had a go on
Travis's Sims game?

I burnt my house down.

That was just a silly game.

Life's a silly game as far as I'm
concerned.

And I'm crap at it.

Well, then you'd better get better at
it.

Look, my life insurance will pay off the
debts, but we've still got the running

costs, gas, electricity, water rates,
council tax, and Travis's uni won't be

cheap. But I was looking forward to my
retirement.

You're 54.

60? No, 50's the new 40, so you've got
20 years of graft before you can get

free bus pass and your hair done half
price.

Good.

Now, I'm glad we've had this little
chat.

I'll call your girl back in. Enjoy the
rest of your massage.

immature wait till i'm in charge i keep
getting this picture in my head of of

travis eating raw potatoes in the
smoking ruins of the house wearing

world of quid carrier bags for clothes
sharon breathe will it stop me panicking

no but it'll stop you talking but i need
help i can't be

without tracy i've always been on me
going first.

You know, getting to 70 yards and then
having a few too many one night and

driving me mobility scooter under a bus.

Well, stop counting the trip to the
kebab shop as a workout. You won't need

mobility scooter.

I'm having a mobility scooter.

It's no good. I'm just going to have to
tell Tracy I can't do what she wants.

No, you should be pleased she's got so
much faith in you. Come on, Sharon. You

can do it.

And you'd be there to help me.

Wouldn't you, doll?

You and me without Tracy.

You'd be like the lion, the witch and
the wardrobe without the lion.

Are you implying that I'm the witch?

Which leaves me as the wardrobe, so
you've got off lightly.

Oh, of course I wouldn't desert you.

I've learned recently just what
abandonment feels like.

There's that Roger.

So what happened between you two?

Let's just say we have unfinished
business.

So why don't you finish it, then?

You know what? I think I will.

After all, this is a spa.

And it is my preferred form of exercise.

I'll get him to put an oxygen bottle on
ice just in case.

Roger, can I have a word?

Certainly. I won't beat around the bush.

There have been many, many erotic
milestones in my life.

But one opportunity that has never
presented itself until now is a chance

experience both father and son.

Goodness? Is that goodness out of the
question, or goodness, how exciting?

Well, it's, um, it's, it's, it's, um...
Where could we? I think this treatment

room's free.

I just hope I can keep the family end
up.

Thank you.

I think this is going to be good for me.

Oh, this is going to be much better than
good. I meant as a chance for me to

step out from under my father's shadow.

Oh, don't worry.

From what I remember, it wasn't a very
long one.

He was a very difficult man.

I barely saw him.

He sent me away to boarding school when
I was seven.

Never showed any affection.

Do you know, I used to pretend I was
adopted.

I couldn't see how a real parent could
treat you like that.

Well, of course you couldn't.

Like all children, you were completely
self -centred.

Did you never consider how he felt?

You were all the same.

You selfish, self -pitying, snivelling
offspring.

And it's time she was told.

Who?

What?

Was that some sort of foreplay?

Blimey, that was quick.

The oxygen ain't arrived yet.

Yes, well, I've got more pressing
matters to attend to. Really?

I won't get any peace till I have things
out with Naomi.

Well, back time.

You'd better hurry up. She's leaving
tonight.

Yes, I know that, Tracy.

And you can't afford to wait for her to
come back.

Well, you're already very, very old.

Will you be OK while I've gone, Tracy?

Of course you will.

I'm here. That's why I'm checking.

I'll be fine. Go and be back for dinner.

Finished. Let's get going.

Mate, you ain't put this bit back.

Is it important?

Nah.

Come on.

Where have you been?

I've had an Indian head massage and two
hours in a flotation tank.

You had a fight?

Nearly. I had me eyebrows threaded by
that little blonde beauty therapist.

You know, the one that looks like butter
water melt.

Vicious cow.

I'll go back later.

Get someone who didn't train at
Guantanamo Bay.

You know what you were saying earlier?

I will step up, you know.

I know you will.

Good afternoon, ladies.

I got these for your friend Dorian.

She and I had a...

That is... I'm not sure what happened,
actually.

Is she around?

Well, she had to go home, but she'll be
back later.

Right. I hope she doesn't get caught up
in all the mayhem.

There's been a big pile -up on the M4.

Laurie collided with a motorbike.

Well, tell Dorian I'll have her
tomorrow.

Have dinner with her tomorrow.

Bye. Bye.

The boys were on the M4.

There's loads of motorbikes on the M4,
Tracey. Then why do they go off the

answering? Because they've probably gone
to the festival, taken loads of drugs,

and they're off their faces.

It's not a comfort, is it?

Travis ain't answering either. I need to
go home.

Tracey, calm down.

Will the police come? I need to be
there.

OK, you've got me here.

Fire away.

I am seething.

Oh, dear.

Bad hair day.

It's you I am furious with.

You breathe into my life.

You stir up feelings.

And you disappear as fast as you came.

You're abandoning me.

I'm abandoning you. You abandoned me.

And this is your revenge.

Why did you contact me when you knew you
were going to New Zealand?

I wasn't offered the job until after I
found out about you.

What was I supposed to do?

Turn it down in case the woman who gave
me up at birth and hasn't made a

slightest attempt to find me in 50 years
shows me a smidgen of maternal

affection. Oh, that's not fair.

I've signed every text to you with
warmest regards.

I'm not a gushing person.

Since I told you I was going, you
haven't once said that you'll miss me.

Not even in one of your texts.

You still can't say it.

I'm going to have to go. I don't want to
miss my flight.

It might be quite nice if you did.

That's lovely to know.

But I've got an important job to get to.

I will call you.

Well, that's the last time I've played a
caring mother.

What are you doing back?

Have the police been in touch? No. What
have you done now? The boys have been

involved in a pile -up on the motorway.
What?

We don't know that yet, Charles. Let's
put the news on. Sometimes they give an

emergency number.

Reports are still coming in concerning a
major traffic incident on the M4 after

a collision between a lorry and a
motorbike.

It is understood that several cars and
other vehicles were involved.

Mum?

Shh!

Why aren't you at the spa?

Oh, my God!

Thank God you're safe!

We've been ringing you!

Why didn't you answer your bloody phone?

The bike broke down in the middle of
nowhere.

It took me five hours to get it fixed.

Then there was a big pile -up on the
motorway. We know!

We've only come back to have a wash.
Soon as the roads are clear, we're on

way. I'm sticking a jumper on.

It's too cold on that bike. Oh, my God,
you are such a librarian.

Kids, who'd have them?

I'll get it.

Hello?

Yeah, hang on.

It's the hospital for you.

Hello?

This is Tracy's dad.

I see.

Thank you.

My scan's all clear.

Can you stick the kettle on, please,
Mum? I'm gasping.

Mum, I could murder a bacon salad.

I want my one. Brown sauce in mine.

Can you stick a fried egg in mine, Mum?

Looks like everything's back to normal
then.

Or... Do you fancy it, Thelma?

Let's do it, Louise.

be going a bit faster than this, Trace.
You reckon you could do any better?

At this rate, an OAP on a pushbike could
keep up with me.