Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I'm blue?

you'll get us arrested.

I always thought you liked being put in handcuffs.

Use us, use us, use us.

They've gone.

It's a school night, Mum.

Boring.

A traffic cone.

Really?

Up next to a traffic cone.

Change cone to copper and I'm with you 100%. Do you know what we need now?

Beauty sleep.

Tequila shot!

I am so proud of you right now.

I love you.

It's no good talking to them when they're in this mood.

Keep an eye on her. She might choke on her dentures.

Sideways? Are you mad?

So have we worn you out, Doc? Certainly not. Although it is our third night out

this week and it's only Monday.

Oh, this is the old Tracey I remember.

Before Daryl tamed her.

Oh, okie, okie, okie!

Oh, okie, okie, okie!

It's taken her 40 years, but she's finally got her second wind.

is because her next birthday is the 56th.

The big 6 -0 is on the horizon.

Trace is having a last hurrah.

Are you having a last hurrah, Trace? No, I don't like them fancy cocktails.

Let's stick to the shots, eh? Come on, down in one.

Ready? One, two, three.

You know what we ought to do?

We ought... to have a girly weekend away. Oh, yeah. A relaxing spa weekend

idyllic country retreat.

Or a 70s revival weekend in Skiggy.

Sir Angela goes every year.

She reckons it's quality.

She says that the tribute bands are better than the real ones.

They've got raving mud, right? And they've got the original guitarist's

sister -in -law in it. There weren't no girls in mud.

They were so picky, Trace.

You could do your tiger feet dance.

Only if I want to give myself a double hernia.

Look, I don't fancy going anywhere with Fat Angela. If I want to see old birds

desperately trying to relive their youth, I've just got to look at her.

The one on the left.

The one on the right.

I'll have them both.

Oh.

You're right.

I'll take all three.

Tracy! Stop fussing. Shoes next.

She's so her old self.

I love it.

I love these boots.

They're so soft.

There's no way Dorian had ever heard me coming up behind her with a blunt

instrument if I was wearing these.

We'll get them.

Too dear.

Have a look.

I'll treat you. No, you can't, Trace.

I've got my pride.

They are so cuddly.

Are you over your pride dip?

I think so, Trace. Thank you very much.

Have you left anything on the rails?

Fancy a change? Just want to brighten myself up.

How many items?

Eight or nine.

Cheers.

Sorry, only one item at a time.

Just let my sister go through with an armful.

It's staff discretion.

You think I'm going to nick something, don't you? Would you like to take one

item into the changing room or not, madam?

If I was going to nick something, I'd choose somewhere a lot better than this.

These are lovely, aren't they? I bought one last week.

Really? In that case, I won't bother.

Trice? What?

I'm in a tangle.

I put my arm through the leg bit and my leg through the arm bit.

I salted it.

Tracy, are you going to be much longer in there? I'm starting to get dashits

more than man -made fibres.

Where's Tracy?

Garden.

What's going on?

She's coming back.

Tracy.

Tracy.

So, any particular reason you're hiding from her?

I think she just wants to nag me about spending too much money.

Oh, she can talk.

She flashes her plastic more often than she flashes her knickers.

Ah!

Oh, my God.

I thought I'd found an actual skeleton in me closet.

I thought you'd gone out.

That's the only way I could pin you down.

How long have you had that mole on your shoulder?

Mind your own business. I can't.

My mother -in -law had one just like it.

It got bigger and bigger and she was dead within three years.

Well, why didn't you tell her? Because she was my mother -in -law.

You need to see a doctor.

No, I don't. Because they'll just say it's cancer and I'd rather not know.

I'll just keel over in Tesco's one day.

Probably be in the telly queue the time that woman takes to cut a quarter of

corned beef. OK.

If you won't listen to me, I'll just tell Sharon and the boys.

Don't you dare.

I don't want them knowing. If you... Fine,

I'll just start packing immediately.

I've told them. Why do you always have to stick your nose in? You're always

interfering. I can't help it.

It's a genetic disorder passed from Jewish mothers to their daughters.

I've made you a doctor's appointment for tomorrow morning. I hate you!

Will you come with me?

What are you two up to?

We were talking and we realised that my little brother has never been to a music

festival. So, I want to take him to Atomic Pile.

It's the biggest rock event of the year.

No chance.

Well, I think I'm old enough to make my own decisions.

So, if I want to go with Garth, I'll go.

Look at this face.

Is this the face you want to be looking at for the next ten years, minimum?

you think I'm being a bit hard, but I can't worry about what they're up to on

top of all of this.

How's the shoulder?

Sore.

Don't worry about the results of the biopsy.

Going to the doctor means you're in control.

You have bent cancer over the Ottoman and smacked it on the bottom with a

cane.

Sorry.

Flashback.

Thanks for making me go, Dore. Pleasure.

I just wish I hadn't had all them sunbeds in the 80s.

Never appealed to me. Couldn't see the point of lying down on your own.

Daryl insisted we had him before we went on our flesh holidays, so he didn't

look common.

Then he goes and pees in the swimming pool.

And speaking of common, when are you going to tell Sharon? I'm not.

Sharon can't cope with illness and death.

Whenever an old relative snuffs it, she goes to pieces, so we stop telling her.

She thinks our great -aunt Enid in Canada is still going strong at 107.

I don't want Sharon knowing anything yet.

Oh, yeah? About what?

Where did you come from?

It's me new boot.

I have never been so light on my feet.

I tell you, if Jack the Ripper had these boots, he'd never got caught.

Then he never was caught.

And now we know why.

So, go on.

What ain't I supposed to know about? What's the big secret?

You're going to have to tell her, Tracy.

Look, I didn't want to tell you, shall, but... I've bought that 70s weekender

for us.

That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right. I really love your

night. Dear Lord, take me now.

A sad old 70s weekender, didn't it?

Oi! How come you're allowed to go to a festival when we can't? Because we know

how to behave ourselves.

Too right.

Getting racked every night.

And we'll be crawling back to our beds.

In a responsible adult sort of way.

You're so hypocritical.

I'm so happy, Trace.

Look, I never said it before, but...

That 70s weekend was on my bucket list.

Seriously?

Along with what?

A trolley dash around World of Quidd?

No.

Swimming with dolphins.

Visiting the pyramids.

Riding the Dalai Lama.

The Dalai Lama isn't an animal.

He's a man.

Really?

Oh, that could have been embarrassing, eh?

Right, I'm going to tell Fat Angela that we're going. Oh, she is going to be

well chuffed.

The weekender was the first thing that popped into my head. I hope you know

you've let yourself in for.

You're coming as well.

I am not.

What was it you just said to me at the doctor's surgery?

Don't worry, I'll support you every step of the way. Well, I meant in times of

stress. You don't think a weekend away with Sharon and Fat Angela is going to

stressful?

Now repeat after me.

That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right. I would love your

love.

pocket in here.

Saturday is the weekender's big night.

If you don't dress up as your favourite 70s character, you're going to stick out

like sore thumb. Wear something like this, you'll really fit in.

Oh, I hated the 70s when I was married to Marcus.

Endless nights in with a man whose idea of letting it all hang out was loosening

his kipper tie to eat his cheese fondue.

Stop moaning, you two, will ya?

Anyone would think you didn't want to go on the weekender.

Folks have been in and out of this tatty old thing.

She means the costume door, not you.

Oh, look, it's Fat Angela.

Has she lost weight?

No, she's always been skinny.

Why not call her Skinny Angela?

Because that would be rude.

Oi, Ange! Oi!

over Tracy, don't you? And this is Dorian. All right.

Oh, you know little Julia?

Yeah. She's coming.

No. I thought she was going to be on Ramon.

That's still touch and go, so she don't want to book a room. She might waste her

money. So I set chicken in my bed and I'll come in with one of you lot. Hold

a minute. Oh, I'll go on the floor, babe. There won't no one there.

And let's all pull.

You might hear me then.

You know all the choice costumes are out the back, don't you? Come on. Let's

have a shifty.

I know what you're both thinking.

But once she's had a few Lambrini's, she really comes out of her shell.

These are not my people. I don't want to go.

Tell Sharon the truth. She's got to find out sometime.

Not if my biopsy comes back clear, she won't. You need never know.

Look, I need you with me, Dawn. If I'm having a wobble, you're the only one I

can talk to. Well, can't we just do it by email?

If Angela was right, all the good... stuff's out the back. You want to see

she's found? Something with a mute button.

No, I'll wear anything. It doesn't matter.

It does matter, Trace.

There's loads of prizes for the best costume.

There's a shawaddy -waddy box set, quite a blue nun, and full free tickets for

next year.

I have no idea who you are.

You all right?

Yeah.

Look, Mum, I don't blame you for not letting Travis go to the festival.

I ain't done much to give you any faith in me.

Oh, Garfield.

But I'm going to turn things around.

You don't have to prove anything to me. I do.

I messed around for too long.

But there's going to be no more half -baked daydreams, no more crazy schemes.

I've got a grown -up, rock -solid plan.

I'm going to win MasterChef and open a chain of Michelin -starred restaurants.

I love you.

So you think it's a good plan, then, yeah?

You give it a go.

I'll give it 150%.

Mum, I don't suppose there's any chance you'd change your mind about me taking

Trav to Atomic Pile, is there?

Yeah. You both go and enjoy yourselves.

Yes.

Well, he was next door. I mean, what are the chances?

Thanks, Mum, but let's go celebrate.

Oi!

I'll get my wallet. And, Mum, don't worry, I am going to look after him.

Well, while he's looking after you, you keep an eye on him.

accidentally steaming open your letters.

So, when I do, I normally just seal them up.

But this one... Why don't you tell me, Trace?

I'm really, really sorry, Sal.

Do you have any idea how let down I feel? I know, I know. Look, I wanted to

you, but I didn't want to upset you. Well, I am bloody upset.

I mean, it ain't as if I weren't going to find out anyway.

at the minute. I mean, that letter's just from the nurse explaining what'll

happen if it is, you know, cancer.

Cancer?

This is about you booking me to share with Dorian on the weekend.

Who's got bloody cancer?

I had a mole on my shoulder that went a bit funny, so the doctor cut it out and

sent it off for a biopsy.

When did all this happen? Only in the last few days.

She thought you might overreact.

Overreact?

Overbloody react?

Yeah, how could she possibly have thought such a thing?

Hold on.

How come she knows?

You told her and you didn't tell me.

Well, she's better at handling these sort of things.

been brilliant if you'd given me the chance.

So when do you get the results of this biopsy?

Any time.

Hello?

I don't want to claim for PPI.

Is there anything else I should know?

The lock on a toilet door isn't just there for decoration.

So who else knows?

No -one.

Not the boys?

Especially not the boys.

That's why you've been giving it large.

Going out every night and splashing the cash.

You think you're dying? No, she doesn't.

She's been to the doctor. She's got it under control.

Bloody cold callers. I'm just stood off.

Listen, mate.

Don't ring here again unless you want me to shove my fist so far up your...

Sorry, Doctor.

Hello?

I see.

Yeah, that's fine.

Thank you.

The mole was malignant.

I've got to have a scan to see if it's spread.

The good news is, the scan's the same Friday as the weekender.

So we'll have to give that a miss.

Well, come on, then. We've got to be positive.

Just look at this as the first step on the way to good health, because we are

going to be here for you, and we're going to be strong.

Aren't we, Sharon?

Yeah.

You're going to be all right, Trace.

I mean, our family live long, don't they?

I mean, you look at Aunty Enid.

She's 107 and she's still going strong.

What?

Has something happened to Aunty Enid?

She ain't sick as well, is she?

No, she's fine.

You ain't just protecting me, are you?

I did.