Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I'm alone?

I don't believe it. What's up? Has Whig City cancelled your loyalty card?

Sitting around, waiting for my long -lost daughter to knock on the door

Driving you bonkers? Precisely.

So I googled her.

And?

She's a vicar.

No.

A Jewish vicar?

Obviously, she was raised as a Christian.

Well, I can't meet her now. We'll have nothing in common.

Oh, I don't know.

You do shout, oh, God, a lot.

And I have caught you wearing a dog collar.

That was made of leather with studs and it had a lead attached.

Well, she knows you're Foxy Cohen and she's already forgiven you for that. I

don't need to be forgiven.

I am actually quite proud of my... peccadilloes.

Oh, and just to clarify, a peccadillo is an indiscretion.

Not a small leathery creature with a pointy face.

I knew that.

Look, come on, Dore. Why don't you ring your daughter?

Or you'll never forgive yourself.

Hello?

Sorry. We'll leave you to it.

Well, at least the rain's held off today, thank God.

Oh, sorry.

It's OK.

I feel really stupid. I don't know what to say.

Nor do I.

I've got some photos on my phone. I don't know if you'd like to see them.

yes. Lovely.

There's one of me on my fifth birthday. Oh, yes.

That's me.

Apparently I had this habit of pulling my dress up over my head.

Dad said he didn't know where I got it from.

Life's a mystery, isn't it?

There's one of the whole family last Christmas.

Oh.

Who's that lovely young woman?

That's your granddaughter.

And that's your grandson.

He's at uni.

I've got more.

Children.

No, that's fine. Thank you.

I can't believe you've got grown -up children.

I am 50.

Doesn't seem possible. I was born in 1965.

You must remember you were definitely there for that bit.

But no need for anyone else to know, is there?

That I'm your daughter. That you're 50.

So what should I tell people?

That I'm 40.

30.

A rough -looking 21.

Do you think we could get away with that?

Don't recognise the handwriting.

Wonder where it's from.

There is one way to find out. Huh?

Open it, you dozy mare!

Oh, get it here, will ya?

Oh, my God!

Travis needs to see this.

Travis! Oh, what's going on?

Where's Naomi?

Um, she had to go.

Funeral.

Christening. Whatever it is they do.

You've seen her again?

Oh, so you can foretell the future now, can you?

Are you taking in mending?

From our Aunty Vera.

Who's Aunty Vera? Sylvie's sister. She moved to South London years ago, so

naturally we lost touch.

Well, South London is hardly Australia.

Australia we might visit.

South of the river, not so much.

The point is, Vera is pearly queen of Fountain East.

You mean pearly kings and queens really exist?

I thought they were just actors dressed up like Disney characters.

Oh, sorry.

I think these buttons mean one of us has had the call.

It's addressed to me.

Dear Tracy, see?

How's things in the north?

I'm not so good here.

Old Father Time has caught up with me and I'm thinking of abdicating due to

dodgy fish and chips.

She's giving up because of food poisoning.

Fish and chips.

Hips. Her hips are playing up.

So it's time to pass on the crown.

Would you be interested, Tracy?

You're going to say no, right?

It's our heritage.

So?

My ancestors wandered the wilderness for 40 years. Doesn't mean I'm going to

pack up and move to Cleethorpes.

How comes you've been picked?

It's obvious.

I'm the oldest.

I'm the rightful heir.

Oh, it's a text from Naomi asking me to meet her at the church. Yeah, that'd be

nice.

What? I don't know if it's going to work, Tracy.

Our first meeting was a disaster.

I mean, it was all my fault, really.

I was distant.

Aloof. Not like me at all.

It's bound to be all good at first.

All families have their ups and downs.

You wait till you meet Vera.

Why?

Hello, stranger.

Shells! Oh, door, this is our cousin Michelle.

This is our mate Dorian. All right.

I don't know if we've been in touch.

And the boys? Sharon?

Boys are good.

Sharon's Sharon.

You? Fine. I'm just on my way to the addiction clinic.

What is it you're addicted to?

Must be low pay and hard work.

I'm a nurse.

Why don't you put Rambiras with us? We'll have a catch -up.

She won't be pleased to see me, Trace.

Look after yourself, hon.

And you, love. Ta -ra.

They're always falling out. They're the rough side of the family.

Aunt Sylvia used to say they're drunk out of jam jars.

Tracey, lovely to see you. Come in. Thanks, Auntie Dee.

Sharon, what the bleep know you done, she said.

That's not Sharon.

That's my mate Dorian.

Thank God for that.

I've done you a nice sandwich each, but don't feel you've got anything.

So what do pearlies actually do, Vera?

Oh, look at Kate Middleton's name.

I'll tell you what we do.

We raise money for charity.

Thousands every year.

That photo Tracey's looking at is us down Covent Garden rattling our

buckets. It's wonderful what you do, V. I just hope I can live up to it.

Well, you have to learn the ropes.

I'll make you a pearly princess.

A pearly princess?

Blimey. And I'll lend you one of my old outfits that you treat it with respect,

mind. Only fair to warn you, it's hard work.

We're out for our charities come rain, come shine, 7 -11, 395 days a

year.

It's why I've got to step down. I can't do so much now I'm getting on.

Well, I don't have to tell you that.

I've got something I want to show you.

I don't care how much money she raises for charity, she's a ghastly woman.

Shush.

That's me with Sir Bobby Charlton.

Which one's you, Vera?

Aunty V, I've noticed me showing a lot of them photos with you in her buttons.

Isn't she next in line?

Never a consideration.

Come on, eat your sandwiches.

That's a lovely bit of pork luncheon meat. Oh, then I can't. I'm Jewish.

Don't worry about that.

I bought that in the world of quid.

There's no pork in it. It's all filler.

Hello?

Sharon. I thought I'd be hearing from you.

Oh, yeah, it'd be lovely to see you.

Give it half hour.

Are you ready?

Yes! Come on!

Well, how do I look?

Incredible!

from vera i'm the oldest what difference does that make let the battle commence

oh this is going to be a really special kind of madness are you doing this

just to spite me no why do you always assume that you should be the princess

it's exactly the same as when we were

Well, you both have appalling diction, so on that basis, it's hard to pick a

winner.

And you don't know the words to my old man said, follow the van.

You're always dillying when you should be dallying and dallying when you should

be dillying.

I know more rhyming slang than you do.

No -one will Adam and Eve that.

You may as well be speaking Klingon.

OK, what's Nuremberg's?

Nuremberg trials.

Piles.

April. April in Paris.

Which you speak out of most of the time.

Plum and dick.

Thick. Which you're going to be when Vera picks me.

Sherbet. Sherbet dab.

Cab. Linen.

You don't know, do you? Linen sheets with matching pillow slips, Harvey

What?

I'm just trying to help.

Well, don't.

She's putting me off.

Linen draper, paper, I win. In your face!

What's with all the shouting?

I'm trying to do my own work. I can hear you over the telly.

Oh, my God.

You aren't seriously planning to go out like that? Yes, we are, and so are you.

You're going to be my consult.

What? Would you like the telephone number for Childline?

Forget it, all right?

I'm not dressing up like flipping Dick Van Dyke for anyone.

Area collecting buckets, and I'm looking forward to seeing who raises the most.

Is he ever going to take his coat off?

Oh, he will do, V.

He's just a bit shy.

Oh, he's no good to us lurking in corners.

Your cousin Brian lurked in corners, and we all know what happened to him.

Right, I'll let you choose your own collecting spot.

And may the best princess win.

Oh, don't worry, V.

I will.

Will you take your jacket off for giving Aunty Vera the oomph? I don't care,

Mum. Look, if anyone I know sees me out in this, I'll be viral before the day's

out.

Black mark against you if he don't pull his weight.

Who's that?

That's Lois.

She's your cousin.

Bird cousin.

Half a dozen times removed, or something.

Go on, sir.

Amanda, have you been here before?

No. Well, let's get you a coffee and find you a friend to talk to.

No, that really won't be necessary.

It's really cool that you're so independent, but there's no need for you

lonely.

I'm a best -selling author with a wide circle of friends.

In that case, I'll sit you next to Mr Compton. He thinks he's a concert

Where can I find Reverend Naomi?

She's busy at the moment.

Now, are you managing to keep warm?

The Salvation Army have a supply of hot water bottles if you need one.

I've already got two.

A semi -retired hedge fund manager called Charles and an international arms

dealer named Alfonso. But it's OK.

I never have them both in bed with me at the same time. I worry one of them

might burst.

Thank you.

I think I may have challenged her view of the over -60s a little.

I'm so glad you came.

It all got a bit fraught last time, didn't it?

Sorry.

Mr Compton... Yes, thinks he's a concert pianist, yes.

Shall we sit down?

a little awkward. I am not a natural mother.

Is that why you gave me up? I'm 17.

No one to support me.

My mother was hardly a shining example of maternal love.

Marry the first man who asks, Dorian. You can't be picky. You're no Sophia

Loren.

Never have children, Dorian.

You'll only screw them up like you screw up everything else.

She wrote that in a birthday card.

When I was nine.

If only I'd known your father was going to adopt you, he should have told me.

But then if we'd stayed together, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. And

world would have been robbed of Foxy Cohen.

I really enjoyed Sixty Shades of Green.

You bought it?

No. I found it hidden amongst the hymn books.

I recognised quite a bit of myself in there.

Really? I wasn't always a vicar.

I used to be a hard -boiled investment banker.

That scenario on the yacht with the Russian oligarch could have been based

me. Really?

Sorry. I suppose I do have to admit to a few peccadillos.

Collecting for the kiddies' hospital.

Money for kids that are really, really ill.

Really ill. Make a donation to the children's hospital and get a free gift.

Oh, cheers, love. Take a free gift. Take a free gift.

Thank you. Thanks a lot.

Free gift?

Novelty straws for world of quid, five for a box.

Oi!

I'm cheating!

By cheating, you mean you were shameful, was it? Give us it in there! Oi!

Having a balloon car in public, you're a disgrace to your buttons.

I ain't seen that sort of behaviour from a princess since Margaret came down the

East End and arm -wrestled a stevedore in the prospect of Whitby.

Did she win?

What's the point?

I'll be coming to her position.

Now, we're going to give the punters a knees up. That always pulls in a few

quid. So behave yourselves.

Sorry, I'll be back.

You start. You start. You start.

I won't tell you again.

You ain't queen yet.

Vera's just ran.

She said, I out -collected you by £35 and 42p.

She reckons I'm a natural behind the bucket, so in your face.

Oh, hello, Michelle. All right?

Not really, mate. 20 years I've been in buttons.

And it's always been a given, yeah, that I take over from Auntie Vera.

But suddenly you two come in the scene and I'm chucked in the bin.

Like yesterday's chip paper. Hang on.

Vera told us that you weren't up for consideration.

So we just assumed you didn't fancy it.

Why would she say that?

You know what I think?

Vera's using us as prawns in her game.

So what's all this?

A delegation, if you like.

Why have you got the up and me shell?

She knows.

I don't.

I really don't. So we want to know what you're up to.

I'll tell you.

She had a 50th birthday party down the Andan Flower.

Lovely spread by all accounts, like one of them Iceland adverts.

Only I wouldn't know, cos I wasn't invited.

Yes, you were.

I sent you the invite myself.

What, that scruffy bit of paper someone shoved through my letterbox? You call

that an invite?

I printed that out specially.

Everyone else got a text.

So what did you want, Vera?

A footman to deliver it on a velvet cushion?

Would have showed more consideration.

Supposing next door's cat has got it?

I would never have seen it.

I'm really sorry, Aunty Vera.

I should have handed it to you myself, in person.

Well, no -one can call me a petty woman.

I'll make shell my hair.

It'll take you long to reconsider.

I ain't got much choice.

Do too with a colossal disappointment.

But it was a nice spam sandwich to celebrate.

No.

Off went the van with me old pack, me Nick.

I followed on with me old cock.

No knees up.

In case Michelle don't cut the mustard.

Do you want to join in? That might be embarrassing.

I'm not appropriately dressed for a knees up.

Don't you ever wear any.

How was your night out with Naomi?

Oh, it was fine.

We went for dinner, then to a wine bar.

Naomi wore her dog collar, got mistaken for a stripper gram.

What did I say?

The acorn don't fall far from the tree.

And then she told me she's been offered the job as dean of Canterbury.

Oh. That's OK.

Canterbury's not that far.

Canterbury, New Zealand.

Oh, that's a bit more than a bus ride.

Oh, that's a shame.

You made a lovely rum and water.

What? Rum and water.

Mum and daughter.

See? Even she's more cockney than what you are.

Oh, you just made that up!