All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s11e04 The Girls with the Pearl Buttons

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I'm alone?

I don't believe it. What's up? Has Whig
City cancelled your loyalty card?

Sitting around, waiting for my long
-lost daughter to knock on the door

Driving you bonkers? Precisely.

So I googled her.

And?

She's a vicar.

No.

A Jewish vicar?

Obviously, she was raised as a
Christian.

Well, I can't meet her now. We'll have
nothing in common.

Oh, I don't know.

You do shout, oh, God, a lot.

And I have caught you wearing a dog
collar.

That was made of leather with studs and
it had a lead attached.

Well, she knows you're Foxy Cohen and
she's already forgiven you for that. I

don't need to be forgiven.

I am actually quite proud of my...
peccadilloes.

Oh, and just to clarify, a peccadillo is
an indiscretion.

Not a small leathery creature with a
pointy face.

I knew that.

Look, come on, Dore. Why don't you ring
your daughter?

Or you'll never forgive yourself.

Hello?

Sorry. We'll leave you to it.

Well, at least the rain's held off
today, thank God.

Oh, sorry.

It's OK.

I feel really stupid. I don't know what
to say.

Nor do I.

I've got some photos on my phone. I
don't know if you'd like to see them.

yes. Lovely.

There's one of me on my fifth birthday.
Oh, yes.

That's me.

Apparently I had this habit of pulling
my dress up over my head.

Dad said he didn't know where I got it
from.

Life's a mystery, isn't it?

There's one of the whole family last
Christmas.

Oh.

Who's that lovely young woman?

That's your granddaughter.

And that's your grandson.

He's at uni.

I've got more.

Children.

No, that's fine. Thank you.

I can't believe you've got grown -up
children.

I am 50.

Doesn't seem possible. I was born in
1965.

You must remember you were definitely
there for that bit.

But no need for anyone else to know, is
there?

That I'm your daughter. That you're 50.

So what should I tell people?

That I'm 40.

30.

A rough -looking 21.

Do you think we could get away with
that?

Don't recognise the handwriting.

Wonder where it's from.

There is one way to find out. Huh?

Open it, you dozy mare!

Oh, get it here, will ya?

Oh, my God!

Travis needs to see this.

Travis! Oh, what's going on?

Where's Naomi?

Um, she had to go.

Funeral.

Christening. Whatever it is they do.

You've seen her again?

Oh, so you can foretell the future now,
can you?

Are you taking in mending?

From our Aunty Vera.

Who's Aunty Vera? Sylvie's sister. She
moved to South London years ago, so

naturally we lost touch.

Well, South London is hardly Australia.

Australia we might visit.

South of the river, not so much.

The point is, Vera is pearly queen of
Fountain East.

You mean pearly kings and queens really
exist?

I thought they were just actors dressed
up like Disney characters.

Oh, sorry.

I think these buttons mean one of us has
had the call.

It's addressed to me.

Dear Tracy, see?

How's things in the north?

I'm not so good here.

Old Father Time has caught up with me
and I'm thinking of abdicating due to

dodgy fish and chips.

She's giving up because of food
poisoning.

Fish and chips.

Hips. Her hips are playing up.

So it's time to pass on the crown.

Would you be interested, Tracy?

You're going to say no, right?

It's our heritage.

So?

My ancestors wandered the wilderness for
40 years. Doesn't mean I'm going to

pack up and move to Cleethorpes.

How comes you've been picked?

It's obvious.

I'm the oldest.

I'm the rightful heir.

Oh, it's a text from Naomi asking me to
meet her at the church. Yeah, that'd be

nice.

What? I don't know if it's going to
work, Tracy.

Our first meeting was a disaster.

I mean, it was all my fault, really.

I was distant.

Aloof. Not like me at all.

It's bound to be all good at first.

All families have their ups and downs.

You wait till you meet Vera.

Why?

Hello, stranger.

Shells! Oh, door, this is our cousin
Michelle.

This is our mate Dorian. All right.

I don't know if we've been in touch.

And the boys? Sharon?

Boys are good.

Sharon's Sharon.

You? Fine. I'm just on my way to the
addiction clinic.

What is it you're addicted to?

Must be low pay and hard work.

I'm a nurse.

Why don't you put Rambiras with us?
We'll have a catch -up.

She won't be pleased to see me, Trace.

Look after yourself, hon.

And you, love. Ta -ra.

They're always falling out. They're the
rough side of the family.

Aunt Sylvia used to say they're drunk
out of jam jars.

Tracey, lovely to see you. Come in.
Thanks, Auntie Dee.

Sharon, what the bleep know you done,
she said.

That's not Sharon.

That's my mate Dorian.

Thank God for that.

I've done you a nice sandwich each, but
don't feel you've got anything.

So what do pearlies actually do, Vera?

Oh, look at Kate Middleton's name.

I'll tell you what we do.

We raise money for charity.

Thousands every year.

That photo Tracey's looking at is us
down Covent Garden rattling our

buckets. It's wonderful what you do, V.
I just hope I can live up to it.

Well, you have to learn the ropes.

I'll make you a pearly princess.

A pearly princess?

Blimey. And I'll lend you one of my old
outfits that you treat it with respect,

mind. Only fair to warn you, it's hard
work.

We're out for our charities come rain,
come shine, 7 -11, 395 days a

year.

It's why I've got to step down. I can't
do so much now I'm getting on.

Well, I don't have to tell you that.

I've got something I want to show you.

I don't care how much money she raises
for charity, she's a ghastly woman.

Shush.

That's me with Sir Bobby Charlton.

Which one's you, Vera?

Aunty V, I've noticed me showing a lot
of them photos with you in her buttons.

Isn't she next in line?

Never a consideration.

Come on, eat your sandwiches.

That's a lovely bit of pork luncheon
meat. Oh, then I can't. I'm Jewish.

Don't worry about that.

I bought that in the world of quid.

There's no pork in it. It's all filler.

Hello?

Sharon. I thought I'd be hearing from
you.

Oh, yeah, it'd be lovely to see you.

Give it half hour.

Are you ready?

Yes! Come on!

Well, how do I look?

Incredible!

from vera i'm the oldest what difference
does that make let the battle commence

oh this is going to be a really special
kind of madness are you doing this

just to spite me no why do you always
assume that you should be the princess

it's exactly the same as when we were

Well, you both have appalling diction,
so on that basis, it's hard to pick a

winner.

And you don't know the words to my old
man said, follow the van.

You're always dillying when you should
be dallying and dallying when you should

be dillying.

I know more rhyming slang than you do.

No -one will Adam and Eve that.

You may as well be speaking Klingon.

OK, what's Nuremberg's?

Nuremberg trials.

Piles.

April. April in Paris.

Which you speak out of most of the time.

Plum and dick.

Thick. Which you're going to be when
Vera picks me.

Sherbet. Sherbet dab.

Cab. Linen.

You don't know, do you? Linen sheets
with matching pillow slips, Harvey

What?

I'm just trying to help.

Well, don't.

She's putting me off.

Linen draper, paper, I win. In your
face!

What's with all the shouting?

I'm trying to do my own work. I can hear
you over the telly.

Oh, my God.

You aren't seriously planning to go out
like that? Yes, we are, and so are you.

You're going to be my consult.

What? Would you like the telephone
number for Childline?

Forget it, all right?

I'm not dressing up like flipping Dick
Van Dyke for anyone.

Area collecting buckets, and I'm looking
forward to seeing who raises the most.

Is he ever going to take his coat off?

Oh, he will do, V.

He's just a bit shy.

Oh, he's no good to us lurking in
corners.

Your cousin Brian lurked in corners, and
we all know what happened to him.

Right, I'll let you choose your own
collecting spot.

And may the best princess win.

Oh, don't worry, V.

I will.

Will you take your jacket off for giving
Aunty Vera the oomph? I don't care,

Mum. Look, if anyone I know sees me out
in this, I'll be viral before the day's

out.

Black mark against you if he don't pull
his weight.

Who's that?

That's Lois.

She's your cousin.

Bird cousin.

Half a dozen times removed, or
something.

Go on, sir.

Amanda, have you been here before?

No. Well, let's get you a coffee and
find you a friend to talk to.

No, that really won't be necessary.

It's really cool that you're so
independent, but there's no need for you

lonely.

I'm a best -selling author with a wide
circle of friends.

In that case, I'll sit you next to Mr
Compton. He thinks he's a concert

Where can I find Reverend Naomi?

She's busy at the moment.

Now, are you managing to keep warm?

The Salvation Army have a supply of hot
water bottles if you need one.

I've already got two.

A semi -retired hedge fund manager
called Charles and an international arms

dealer named Alfonso. But it's OK.

I never have them both in bed with me at
the same time. I worry one of them

might burst.

Thank you.

I think I may have challenged her view
of the over -60s a little.

I'm so glad you came.

It all got a bit fraught last time,
didn't it?

Sorry.

Mr Compton... Yes, thinks he's a concert
pianist, yes.

Shall we sit down?

a little awkward. I am not a natural
mother.

Is that why you gave me up? I'm 17.

No one to support me.

My mother was hardly a shining example
of maternal love.

Marry the first man who asks, Dorian.
You can't be picky. You're no Sophia

Loren.

Never have children, Dorian.

You'll only screw them up like you screw
up everything else.

She wrote that in a birthday card.

When I was nine.

If only I'd known your father was going
to adopt you, he should have told me.

But then if we'd stayed together, I
wouldn't be the woman I am today. And

world would have been robbed of Foxy
Cohen.

I really enjoyed Sixty Shades of Green.

You bought it?

No. I found it hidden amongst the hymn
books.

I recognised quite a bit of myself in
there.

Really? I wasn't always a vicar.

I used to be a hard -boiled investment
banker.

That scenario on the yacht with the
Russian oligarch could have been based

me. Really?

Sorry. I suppose I do have to admit to a
few peccadillos.

Collecting for the kiddies' hospital.

Money for kids that are really, really
ill.

Really ill. Make a donation to the
children's hospital and get a free gift.

Oh, cheers, love. Take a free gift. Take
a free gift.

Thank you. Thanks a lot.

Free gift?

Novelty straws for world of quid, five
for a box.

Oi!

I'm cheating!

By cheating, you mean you were shameful,
was it? Give us it in there! Oi!

Having a balloon car in public, you're a
disgrace to your buttons.

I ain't seen that sort of behaviour from
a princess since Margaret came down the

East End and arm -wrestled a stevedore
in the prospect of Whitby.

Did she win?

What's the point?

I'll be coming to her position.

Now, we're going to give the punters a
knees up. That always pulls in a few

quid. So behave yourselves.

Sorry, I'll be back.

You start. You start. You start.

I won't tell you again.

You ain't queen yet.

Vera's just ran.

She said, I out -collected you by £35
and 42p.

She reckons I'm a natural behind the
bucket, so in your face.

Oh, hello, Michelle. All right?

Not really, mate. 20 years I've been in
buttons.

And it's always been a given, yeah, that
I take over from Auntie Vera.

But suddenly you two come in the scene
and I'm chucked in the bin.

Like yesterday's chip paper. Hang on.

Vera told us that you weren't up for
consideration.

So we just assumed you didn't fancy it.

Why would she say that?

You know what I think?

Vera's using us as prawns in her game.

So what's all this?

A delegation, if you like.

Why have you got the up and me shell?

She knows.

I don't.

I really don't. So we want to know what
you're up to.

I'll tell you.

She had a 50th birthday party down the
Andan Flower.

Lovely spread by all accounts, like one
of them Iceland adverts.

Only I wouldn't know, cos I wasn't
invited.

Yes, you were.

I sent you the invite myself.

What, that scruffy bit of paper someone
shoved through my letterbox? You call

that an invite?

I printed that out specially.

Everyone else got a text.

So what did you want, Vera?

A footman to deliver it on a velvet
cushion?

Would have showed more consideration.

Supposing next door's cat has got it?

I would never have seen it.

I'm really sorry, Aunty Vera.

I should have handed it to you myself,
in person.

Well, no -one can call me a petty woman.

I'll make shell my hair.

It'll take you long to reconsider.

I ain't got much choice.

Do too with a colossal disappointment.

But it was a nice spam sandwich to
celebrate.

No.

Off went the van with me old pack, me
Nick.

I followed on with me old cock.

No knees up.

In case Michelle don't cut the mustard.

Do you want to join in? That might be
embarrassing.

I'm not appropriately dressed for a
knees up.

Don't you ever wear any.

How was your night out with Naomi?

Oh, it was fine.

We went for dinner, then to a wine bar.

Naomi wore her dog collar, got mistaken
for a stripper gram.

What did I say?

The acorn don't fall far from the tree.

And then she told me she's been offered
the job as dean of Canterbury.

Oh. That's OK.

Canterbury's not that far.

Canterbury, New Zealand.

Oh, that's a bit more than a bus ride.

Oh, that's a shame.

You made a lovely rum and water.

What? Rum and water.

Mum and daughter.

See? Even she's more cockney than what
you are.

Oh, you just made that up!