Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I...

mind you that 60 Shades of Green was a worldwide bestseller.

Yes, I do think the Isle of Man qualifies as worldwide.

So I think it's up to me to decide what my second book should be about.

And... Oh.

Well, it seems it's not up to me.

Apparently, erotic memoirs are so five minutes ago.

Write about what you know she said.

But you only know about sex precisely.

I need some wine.

Hello. Trying to concentrate here.

You're struggling, bruv. Yeah.

It's a psychology project.

You want me to have a look?

You're serious?

This one.

Describe a real -life situation that might fuel the controversial debate.

Nature... What you're born with.

...versus nurture.

What you get from an upbringing and education.

with specific emphasis on behavioural diversity in a post -industrial society.

Mummy will make you a nice hot chocolate.

You've been sacked again, haven't you? That's your I've been sacked face.

Oh, how little you know me.

My sacked face is a study in resentment and injustice.

Bloody anger.

My job is a war zone.

You're a school dinner lady.

That's what we are right now.

No luck today, then?

Oh, I was on fire.

Four interviews, four rejections. Perfect score.

Well, you won't want my job, mate. I work for a 19 -year -old who makes Kim

-un look like Simon Cowell.

Who?

Little bloke.

Stodgy haircut, big trousers, he runs it.

I should have got that supervisor's job. But who knew?

Keely's got an NVQ in hygiene.

Well, big deal.

All that means is she can put a hairnet on straight and she knows how to spell

botulism.

Which, I admit, has come in handy.

But she hasn't got a clue how to run a kitchen.

And you have.

Actually, if you designate different areas for specific jobs,

you get a better workflow.

Plus, they'd save a fortune if they kept Michelle on washing up so all her

dandruff didn't keep falling in the custard.

That's not bad, you know.

We had something similar when I worked in a two -star kitchen.

And his chef called danged rough truffle shavings and charged a tenner for them.

Why don't you do one of them MVQs? I ain't clever enough.

Well, this disgusting greasy bag suggests otherwise.

Why do you tell people you're not clever? Because the alternative means

she'd have to take responsibility for her car crash of a life.

When was the last time you were dangled upside down by your ankles?

Quite recently, actually.

Isn't this what your project's all about, Trav?

Yeah. Yeah, you know what?

I should get you to do an IQ test, aren't you, Shell?

Actually, I've got some in.

Well, why don't we all do it? I'll have a quiz. I might turn out to be more

brighter than I thought.

I should warn you, I do excel at this sort of thing.

If your head got any bigger, we could use it as a warehouse.

I'm going to take mine.

To my thinking room.

In the sequence, one cake, two biscuits, two cakes,

four biscuits, four cakes, eight biscuits, what comes next?

That's easy.

Nice cup of tea to go with all them biscuits.

This is so easy.

Oh, hi, Celine.

I hope you're not expecting an idea already.

We've had one for you, darling. Had a quick word with marketing and they say

books are going to be bang on trend this year. But I don't know anything about

spying. Then you need to find someone who does.

I'm an artist. You can't bully me.

No, but we can demand repayment of the generous advance we gave you.

I'd like a moment to think about that.

I think a spy book would be great

fun.

I'm glad we're on the same page now.

Ciao. Ciao.

Moron.

She wouldn't know literary talent if it blew up her skirt and bit her on the

backside.

I'm still here.

These results are really interesting.

One of you is virtually a genius.

Well, I did warn you.

It's not you, Dore.

It's only Sharon.

What?

Impossible.

You must have added them up wrong.

I checked it twice.

You got every question right.

You'd have well poodled.

You're in the top ten percent.

Is that in the nation or in this room?

What about me?

You're almost average.

Yes!

I can't really give you a mark, bruv. Top colouring in, though.

So, I'm the fickie. Well, that just about puts a big red bow on my day.

I can't believe it. Out of the two of us, I always thought I was the clever

It seems you've been hiding your light under a bushel, Sharon.

No, not really.

I mean, I've always been good at puzzles and, you know, cracking codes, that

sort of thing.

Not that it's got me anywhere.

Excuse me.

What's got into her?

Oh, well, when a pensioner's got to go, a pensioner's got to go.

Aunt Michelle, will you come to school with me?

I think you're old enough to cross the road on your own now, Travis.

No. I want you to meet my psychology study group.

Yeah, OK.

But I should warn you, me and education don't mix.

My last day of school, the headmaster threw a brick at me.

Never did find out why.

It won't be like that this time.

I want to show you off.

Schools look so different nowadays.

We never had lockers. We had desks with lids on.

If someone gave me the hump, I'd jam their head in it and bring the lid down

couple of times.

Oh, happy days.

Hey, Travis.

Really looking forward to this.

You must be Travis's aunt. Thanks so much for coming in.

My pleasure.

She's nice.

Lucy. Yeah, she's head girl. Really clever.

Have you, uh... Mm -hmm.

No.

She's way out of my league, anyway.

Do you want to sit down?

OK. Not there. Really?

Oh, all right.

OK.

Morning, everyone.

This woman... who'll be known as Subject A. A?

It's just so I don't reveal your real name, aren't you, Cheryl?

Stupid boy.

As I was saying, this is Subject A.

If we assume the human mind begins as an empty vessel that is gradually filled

as a result of education, then Subject A's mind was left emptier than most.

Oh.

Interesting.

Denied any meaningful schooling, her working life... has consisted of a

of low -paid, unfulfilling, menial jobs.

Yet recently, she has displayed very high levels of intelligence.

So, does this mean that no matter how good your genetic inheritance, the

inevitable result of a poor upbringing is an empty, meaningless, wasted life?

He used me as a bloody lab rat!

I was humiliated in front of a crowd of snotty -nosed kids.

I spoke to him and he said he's sorry.

He never meant to call you a useless, underachieving loser.

The problem is, Tracey's right.

I've completely wasted my whole life. Oh, that's good.

In a challenging personal development sort of way.

But all I've got to show for the past 55 years is a wardrobe full of cheap

clothes.

A knackered mobile and a signed poster of Donny Osmond.

It's my poster, actually.

I'm worse off than I thought. No, you're not.

Your IQ test proves that you have the potential.

And I want to help you fulfil it.

Why?

If I can help you become a more developed individual, then maybe you

me to sit through another episode of Geordie Shore.

Well, what can she do? I mean, she's too old for a career.

Nonsense.

Gandhi didn't lead the struggle for Indian independence until he was 61.

I myself did not become a best -selling novelist until I was... ..in my

quite late 50s.

And Colonel Sanders didn't open his first Kentucky Fried Chicken shop till

was 65.

Exactly. Come on, Sharon.

I want you to spread your deep -fried wings.

In fact, I have been online and I have found the perfect job for

you.

Do you have a high IQ?

Ticking all the boxes so far.

Are you interested in other people?

Well, no -one's more nosy than me.

Apart from you, of course.

Ever thought of being an intelligence officer?

Intelligence officer?

What sort of job's that been?

It's an intelligence officer, Tracy.

But am I five?

I couldn't be a spy.

Or could I?

Let's run over the questions for Sharon's mock interview.

MI5 ain't going to give her a job.

But they've asked to see her.

Spies have to blend in, be invisible.

If Sharon was in a room full of exploding frogs, she'd still be the

thing in there.

These days, they want their operatives to be ordinary and common, to infiltrate

hotbeds of working -class resentment, like bingo parlours.

And eel shops.

Eel shops?

Well, I don't know, do I?

That's why I need someone on the inside, feeding me the nitty -gritty.

You're just using her, aren't you?

Oh, you make it sound like a bad thing.

Sharon gets a new career and a feeling of self -worth.

I get a bestseller and loads of cash. It's win -win.

Sharon might not see it like that. She'll never know.

I'm going to give my spy novel that extra Foxy Cohen twist.

You mean filth? Yes.

And lock... of it.

To get Doctor No, this will be Doctor Yes, Yes, Yes.

Oh, Miss Moneypenny.

If you're making tea, I'll have mine shaken, not stirred.

I really need this practice.

I mean, the last ten years, I've only had two interviews, and one of them was

under caution.

In the intelligence service, we value teamwork.

Can you give me an example of where you have worked as an effective member of a

team?

Yes, I can, actually.

When me and Fat Angela worked at World of Queen's, we had this system for

nicking stops.

Oh!

Oh, sorry, sorry.

I should have said Fat Angela and her eye.

Our operatives have to be observant. Are you naturally observant? I am.

What colour lipstick's Dorian wearing?

Red. She always wears red. It goes with her eyes.

Wrong. Today I'm wearing porno pink.

Oh, look, concentrate, Sharon. This is important.

OK. How do you think you'd stand up to torture?

I live with you, don't I?

Filling me with confidence, Sharon.

Well, what do you expect me to say?

Oh, yeah, I'll have a bit of torture.

Can't wait to get me thrupping these wires up to the mains.

Have you got any questions, Miss Stubbs?

Yes, Miss Green, I do.

How would you tell a farmer his cow had died?

married to her. I mean, what kind of question is that?

Stupid. They like to ask you random questions, see if you can answer them.

if you are on a mission, you have to be prepared for the unexpected.

Are you prepared for the unexpected?

Depends what you mean. I mean, if it's someone creeping up behind you, popping

balloon.

How did you know?

I saw your reflection in her glasses.

See? I am observant. I was born to this.

The name's Theodopolopoulos.

Sharon Theodopolopoulos.

You brought your mum?

No. I'd rather work with my son, please.

What's he done? Left his toys all over the floor?

I put a jumper on, eh, love?

Mum, you really shouldn't be in here.

That makes two of us.

I came for a job, actually. What sort of job?

A kitchen porter.

But it had already gone.

I used to work in Michelin star kitchens. Now I can't even get a job

Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.

Marty's left me.

Restaurant's gone bust.

I've got an IQ of 17.

No, you'll get a new girlfriend.

Open another restaurant.

What be the point?

I'll take half the day.

About to screw it up.

You're nothing like your dad.

You've got a trade.

One that doesn't involve waving a shotgun in a cashier's face.

Bloody good chef.

If you want to rob people, just charge them £9 .50 for a starter.

If you want to get a job and get back on your feet.

Oh, Sharon. She's working for a school caterer. I thought she was going to be a

spy. Yeah, and I'm going to be a Lady Gaga tribute act.

I'm sorry.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Your mum's making all the slightly drunk

businessmen feel uncomfortable.

She's got some friends.

I think that's part of the job description.

Any news on Sharon's interview yet? Not yet.

Garfield's making her a special dinner.

What are we having?

I'm doing a beef wellington, pon puree, edamame beans and a roasted tamarind

squash. Ain't he clever?

And to celebrate Aunty Shower's new job, I've made a fresh cream strawberry

cake. Well, what if she don't get it?

She'd still like it. It's cake.

You've got to be more optimistic, Tracy. She will get it. She has to.

My literary career could depend on it. I won't be in for dinner tonight, Mum.

It's a special one.

Your brother's doing fancy beans.

Sorry, busy.

No Lucy from school.

Her mum and dad are out tonight, so she's asked me round with my textbooks

bottle of cider.

Go Trav.

You know what this means, bruv? Yes.

Studying with the head girl means I'm guaranteed a star.

That boy is never going to have sex.

Good.

What happened?

Did you get it?

No. That's a I didn't get it face.

No. This is my I'm getting fed up with you thinking I've got a face for

everything face.

They did offer me a job, actually.

Really? Yes.

Yes. Oh, thank you, God.

Congratulations,

Auntie Xiao.

Oh, cheers, Darfie.

Come on, then. Tell us all about it. I want all the details.

Right, well, I walked into this room and there were three people there sitting

behind a big desk and they started asking me loads of questions and, oh,

about the dead car came up.

So I nailed that one.

Then after 20 minutes, they said, Congratulations, Miss Theodopolopoulos.

You have exactly the skill set we require.

And that's where they offered you the job? Yeah.

As a bloody dinner lady.

I told them, I said, you can shove that right up your dead leather box.

What? What?

What are you getting all upset about?

She was going to use you as inspiration for her new book.

So all that talk about me fulfilling my potential was a load of old cobblers.

It was all about you.

Self, self, self. As per usual. Yes.

And how naive was I to think that a boneheaded, slow -witted troglodyte like

could just for once rise up out of the repugnant primeval slime that you wallow

in.

achieved something worthwhile all right job

I failed again I think there's something we can both learn from this

I've got to learn to lower my sights

and you've got to learn to never ever

have a pop at me

When there's a cream cake on the table.