Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What'll I do when I'm blue?

Morning, shoppers.

You are aware that Barry Quidd is here, making a tour of his empire?

Yeah. I can barely contain my excitement.

Well, make sure you look busy.

I am busy.

I've got to put all these books in a bargain bucket.

Want to have a look?

It's my book.

He's selling my book for a quid. No.

Two for a quid.

Let's see about this.

Hello, madam. Let me shake you by the hand.

No.

Happy shopping.

Antibacterial spray.

Verily, you are the salt of the earth, but you don't know where they've been,

you?

Could I have a word? Yeah.

Barry, you do realise that selling this book at a knockdown price will seriously

affect the author's royalty payment?

So? Modesty has prevented me from mentioning it until now.

But I am Foxy Cohen.

I can't believe it. It's true.

Like an onion, I have many layers.

Unwrap me, and you don't know what you'll find.

Filth. That's what I find.

As a committee Christian, I'm going to struggle to keep the perpetrator of this

smut in my employ.

How dare you?

This is beautifully crafted erotic fiction.

It's Mucky, from page one to page 278.

Oh, you read it then?

This is going next to the firelighters. It's only good for burning. You two

-faced, pompous, jumped -up barrow boy!

I refuse to work for you a second longer!

Well, good riddance, Paul and Harlots.

Barry, Mr... I couldn't help overhearing, because I was listening,

vacancy has just come up on your management team, and I was wondering if

apply.

Really?

Yes, well, we're very similar, you and I. I mean, I left school with no

qualifications and with just my wits and my face to survive, and

my face is very, very important to me.

Plus, I've worked on the coalface here, so I can spot all the fiddles.

Shortchanging the customers, nicking the stock.

You've pulled all those strokes, have you? No, my sister Tracy told me all

them.

She's the wrong one in the family.

The black sheep wandereth off.

The Lord saith.

And so it is writ.

So, can I have the job, then?

No. You can have your cards.

I can't employ someone with your criminal connections.

You can't sack me!

Ah, thanks to the miracle of zero -hour contracts, I can sack who I like.

You up for this?

I don't know, mate. I mean, if there's any comebacks... They'll bung me on the

first plane back towards.

It'll be fine.

You've just got to make sure the tweet looks legit.

There is one alternative.

Yeah? You let Stubbies go bust.

Oh, Garthy.

You and Marty don't have to move that.

The restaurant's open now, Mum. It makes no sense for us to stay here. We're

just getting your hair. I like you being in my hair.

Stubbies is doing all right, isn't it?

You know how it is, Tracy.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

Rome's a big city.

Stubbies is just a gastric pub.

It's gastro, Mum. Whatever, but I'm going to miss you all, especially Poppy.

You'll keep in touch, won't you?

We're only going to Woodford, Mum.

Right, we'd better go. We open in an hour.

Yeah.

Can't keep our regular customer waiting.

I'll give you a hand, yeah?

Love you.

Love you too. Love you. You're casting, aren't you, Marcy? Yeah.

Bye -bye.

All right, then. Bye, Mark. Ladies.

Bye, darling. Bye.

That's Garth and Marcy gone.

That should half the queue for the bathroom in the morning.

Though there's some people I wouldn't miss.

Why are you two home so early?

Well, Barry Quidd and I had a slight disagreement about company policy.

Tell me later. I've got something to tell you first.

I'm sorry, but I've chucked my job in.

Well, I couldn't stay there any longer. Robin was making it really difficult.

What did he do?

Promoted me, doubled me salary, company car, extra holidays.

What a scumbag.

That's because he wants me to share his office and go to trade fairs with him

like his wife used to.

I know we'll miss my money, but we'll be all right. We've still got both your

wages coming in.

What?

What?

I've had an email from West Ham. I didn't get that job as youth team coach.

I told you not to say you favoured zonal marking over man -to -man.

At least the Ammers replied.

Most of the jobs we worked for didn't even have the courtesy to tell us to

bugger off.

Well, once you get to 50, you become invisible.

You? If they can't see you, they'll certainly hear you.

It's ageism.

It's the tool that management uses to grind down the workers.

Just... How many faces do you have, Sharon?

You were angling to get my manager's job before I'd even cleaned out my locker.

Oh, that's her all over. Once she's skint, she goes all socialist worker.

Then as soon as she's got a few, Bob, she's down in vodka shots and partying

like Kim Kardashian.

My fingers have gone numb.

Either I've had a stroke or the eating's gone off.

I'm economising, and no electricity till Travis gets back.

The thing's really that bad, Tracey. We've got an house full of people. No

coming in for the last fortnight. You work it out.

I've even had to cancel our Zumba classes and all.

Oh, I was really looking forward to them.

Anne was going to have to cut down on toilet roll.

Someone's going through it like it grows on trees.

If you won't buy quilted, then I insist on doubling up.

And we have to have more toothpaste.

You need a vice to squeeze any more out of that tube.

I thought you put your teeth in a glass.

Just cut the end of it and squeeze it out the bottom.

Oh, hadn't thought of that.

Thank you, Tracy.

So it's not true.

What? You can teach an old dog new tricks.

I'll cheer up you two.

You're sitting there with faces like constipated pit bulls.

Do you know where I was this time last year?

lounging on a veranda in Florida.

A successful novelist.

Oh, if I close my eyes, I can still taste the mint julep.

That's what we need.

A holiday?

You've got more chance of Boris Johnson co -mini there.

No, a drink.

I mean, we haven't got that mint julep stuff, but if we squeeze a bit of

toothpaste into some vodka, it'll taste exactly the same.

Oh, it's me, it's me.

Truth or dare?

get her to do this time, Dawn? I'm not suggesting anything.

Watching her eat that mothball turned my stomach.

Well, truth then.

What do you really think of Dorian?

We've got anything to eat, Trace?

That mothball hardly touched the side.

I think there might be a bit of cheese.

There's chops in the fridge. They're for Travis.

Why does he get special treatment? Because he's just a kid. It's not his

that we're broke.

I'm home.

And I don't want him knowing how bad things are, all right?

Have a good day.

It's freezing in here.

Think so?

We hadn't noticed.

I've been thinking, Mum.

I'm going to cancel my school ski trip.

Why? Well, we can't afford it.

Who says we can't?

Well, you're sitting here with your dressing gowns on and they're heating

It's because I'm draining the system.

Last week, I saw Aunty Shall eating pizza out the food recycling.

She always does that after a couple of cans.

Look, we'll be fine, I promise.

OK, if you say so.

I'm going out, I won't be long.

Where are you going?

Round Mike's. Got to learn some chat -up lines for the shallow maids.

Ick -liver -dick?

Why not just tell him the truth, you mollycoddle that boy?

No, I don't.

Name me another mum who sits on her kid's bog every morning to warm the seat

for him.

Only in the winter.

Well, why not just tell Garth what's happening and maybe he could help you?

No, because he's struggling with his business.

You don't rely on your kids, they rely on you. That's what being a parent's all

about. You wouldn't know, either of you.

Red card, Tracy.

You know I always wanted kids.

And so did I.

Once.

I'm not entirely devoid of maternal feelings, you know.

But the year I was thinking of trying for a baby, Jean -Paul Gaultier brought

out his leather corselette.

No contest.

The year I was thinking about having a kid, I found out that Chris was having

off with some old dog up the flats.

Mind you, I did manage to freeze some of my eggs.

Then Tracy Wenner defrosted the freezer.

Oh, how much those clinics charge for storage.

I need another drink. No ice.

Vodka's all gone.

We have got some choices, though.

We have got special brew.

Oh, my favourite.

Oh, this half bottle of sherry. What year is it? 2014.

No, I meant the sherry.

2014?

Drinking cheap sherry in the middle of the day.

Huddling under a duvet for warmth.

How have I come to this?

Nothing new for you two. It's imprinted in your DNA.

You stuck -up cow.

I'm merely stating facts.

Unlike you, I am an achiever.

I have a degree.

A best -selling novel under my belt.

Oh, come off it. You just banged your way round the world and wrote about it.

I'm getting fed up with you looking down your nose at us.

You'd be sleeping in a doorway if I hadn't took you in, you ungrateful mare.

I paid you rent. Not for the past fortnight, you ain't.

And that book that you're so proud of is why you're in this trouble. It's why

you got sued.

It's why you lost your job. I resigned on a point of principle.

You lost your job because your boss liked to call you by his ex -wife's

Well, big deal, you could have humoured him.

Oh, you might go out of a bloke just for what you can get out of him, but the

only difference between you and some old tart on the street is that you're so

old you forget to charge for it.

You are very quick to take the moral high ground, aren't you, Tracy?

Conveniently forgetting that for half your adult life you were the kept woman

a career criminal.

How dare you? I'm going to kill you. No, Daryl won't do nothing.

Look at you. At least I don't have to dress like a geriatric pole dancer to

a match. Look at you.

Nose, nails, knockers. I bet none of it's real.

You look just like Russell Brand in a wind tunnel.

I do not have to stay here to listen to this. Yes, you do, because I have no...

standing there like a billiard ball on a stick.

Do you want to borrow our tea, cosy door?

Oh, you think this is really funny, do you?

No, door.

It's hilarious.

You know, you never fooled me. I always knew you wore a syrup.

Well, that's where you're wrong. It's only been the last six months.

Although I will admit my hair has become a little bit thin.

Like grease is a little bit skin.

I demand you give me back my hair.

Not till you apologise.

I am the one due an apology.

I was a victim of common assault and it doesn't get any more common than when

you're involved.

Right, you sarky slaphead.

That's it.

Where are you going?

What are you doing?

Where is she taking my hair?

Well, I don't think it's for a wash and blow dryer, darling.

Where's my hair? In the bin.

And not the dry bin, either.

In with the food recycling.

Do you know how much that cost?

It's made from the hair of Hindu pilgrims on the banks of the Ganges!

I don't care if it's made from Brad Pitt's salt and curly!

You ain't having...

ridden.

I feel a bit sorry for her, Trace.

She looks like a really sad boiled egg.

You've got a spare.

Fortunately, they were doing two for one at Wig City.

Never could resist a bargain.

But I should be billing you for the other one. Yeah, well, good luck with

Listen, I just think we should all calm down.

I'm not saying anything. I'm down to my last wig.

Trace, I can't calm down. I'm still fuming with her.

And I'm starving.

That always makes me irritable.

I'm going to order a takeaway.

You can't. I ain't got no money. Well, that's where you're wrong. I've got 50

quid hidden away for emergencies.

Yeah, but you don't want to break into that. I mean, things ain't that bad.

We've got chops in the fridge.

I told you, they're Travis's.

Right, I want you to both close your eyes. I don't want you seeing my hiding

place.

In the freezer, three drawers down, in a bag of frozen peas.

You found it?

Found it, borrowed it, took it down the pub.

You nicked my money?

No, I didn't nick it.

I just borrowed it.

I've borrowed it lots of times.

When? When I'm sure, at the end of the month. And then when I get paid, I put

back. But you got sacked.

Well, I didn't know that, did I?

You moron, cretin, imbecile. I've got dozens more.

And you're irresponsible.

I am not irresponsible.

I'm just unlucky.

You're irresponsible.

I bet you ain't even signed on either.

I don't have to. I never sign off.

That's illegal.

That's like saying bunking your train fare's illegal.

It is.

Look, politicians have their expenses, bankers have their bonuses, and I

fiddle the donor bits.

Everyone's got an angle.

Well, have you been signing on? You must have been getting job seekers allowance

and all. What's happened to that?

I invested it.

I'm guessing it wasn't blue -chip government securities.

Scratch cards.

Unbelievable. I bet you didn't win either.

I did.

I won 20 quid. Well, where is it then?

I reinvested it.

Useless. I can't believe it. You're so greedy.

I just thought if I could win us some money, it would solve all our problems.

I was one diamond short of 25 ,000.

What she said about you is right. You're a waster. You've never done anything

useful in your life.

So you're turning on me now, are you?

And what have you done useful in your life, Tracy Stubbs? Eh?

Where's your Nobel bleeding prize?

My sons, they're my achievement.

Having kids ain't an achievement.

It's a biological function.

Any idiot can manage that.

Well, you haven't managed it.

Oh, you made sure of that when you defrosted the freezer!

How come you're not a regular fixture on Jeremy Kyle?

Don't you ever go, oh, I'm a lad to, I'm her sister.

Oh, the Cockney Mafia closes ranks yet again.

It's called loyalty.

I've always looked out for her. God knows I've had to.

What's that supposed to mean?

Are you saying I can't wipe my own jacksie unless you supervise it?

Well, I'd say it was a two -man job.

What's going on? I can hear you down the end of the road.

Yeah, well, she threw my hair in the bin. Look, you're acting like little

Yeah, well, she started it. No, you started it. Excuse me.

Sorry, love.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Is that why none of you have been answering your mobiles? Look, me and

have been ringing you. Yeah, well, none of our phones are working.

Your mother won't let us charge them up.

What's wrong with Garthie? Nothing.

He just needs to see you now.

Oh, my God.

Goddamn trice.

Don't mean it's anything bad.

Well, of course it's something bad. I can feel it in me water.

Phone him. Tell him Mummy's coming.

Can't see him anywhere.

Oh, I know what's happened.

He's been working so hard he's collapsed and now he's in a coma.

And I thought you said this place wasn't doing all that well. I mean, this is

what 50 % off day at New Look is like. I mean, not that I'd know.

It's doing brilliant, isn't it?

It's like a holding pen for Towie.

Oh, at last.

Oh, Garfield, I've been so worried about you.

To me, you ought to be worried.

Travis has been telling me how hard things are getting back at home. Oh, no,

love. We're fine, aren't we?

No, we ain't.

I had a mothball for lunch.

There's a grand in there.

Where'd you get that from?

Robbed the bank.

I'm joking.

Look.

I wanted you to see how well we're doing.

It means I can give you the first instalment on that loan you gave us.

You lent him money?

I borrowed him a bit of my mortgage.

And when were you going to tell me about it? Never. It's none of your business.

Nice.

David Beckham gave us a five -star review on Twitter and now we're

David Beckham's been here?

No.

Bet you don't know that.

I've got a very smart little brother who is going on a ski trip, by the way.

Cheers, mate. Love you.

Oi, Gaff, there's some guy at the bar who reckons we owe him a free meal.

It's golden balls!

David Beckham spoke to me.

No, he said if you don't leave me alone, I'll call the police.

to me?

Garfield's done brilliant, hasn't he? He's so grown up.

He said if we're short of money again, we can do some waitressing for him. Not

while there are buses I can throw myself under.

When are you going to get your nose out of the air?

Oh, come on.

It's all water under the wig now.

Come on, you two.

Kiss and make up.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Say it nicely.

Sorry, Tracy.

I'm going to get Travis's chops on.