Original subtitles

What'll I do when you are far

away and I am blue? What'll

I do when I'm alone?

I haven't had champagne since Sharon got off her last drunken disorderly charge.

This is the second best way to spend an afternoon.

The best way just walked past.

Ah, cheers.

And what's all this in aid of, then?

It's a present from Barry Quibb.

We've been planning the opening of his new flagship store, World of Quid Extra,

over a lunch of goose and chips.

I know, but it's Barry's favourite.

Extravagance with a touch of common. Like him, so he thinks.

This is bloody nice.

Oh, get over yourself. I didn't call you because you were working late.

I swapped shifts with Michelle.

She wanted to go to her granddaughter's christening. Michelle McCarthy?

She's only 30.

29. And she knew.

Sorry, Sharon, but you and champagne are not a natural fit.

If Barry had left a six -pack of special brew, I'd have called you immediately.

I think you need another glass.

Boy.

Oh, my God.

I'm trying to contact you. I need to see you urgently.

Well, who's it from?

Chris.

What Chris? Chris.

How do you know?

Because he put Chris.

But what does he want?

It won't be anything good.

All I ever got from being married to him was aggravation, nasty water infection

and theodopilopitis for a surname.

How long has it been?

Oh, it's been about 12 years since he last said he hated the sight of me

and I said I wished he was dead.

How nice.

Look, it might be something important.

It won't be.

Whatever he wants is just going to be a waste of time. Maybe he just misses your

sunny, optimistic nature.

He's late.

Typical Chris.

And why did I let you two talk me into meeting him?

And why are you both still hanging about?

I'm struggling with my new book.

Writer's block.

I need distraction.

And I'm nosy.

I just want to know what he wants.

He's obviously not coming. Let's go out.

Oh, cobblers.

What? What are you doing?

I need my washing done. Not now, we've got visitors.

Oh, great.

Aren't you going to say hello to Uncle Chris?

I barely talked to my dad because he used to rob banks.

Why would I say hello to the mug who drove the getaway car?

What a refreshingly principled outlook. Are you certain he's yours?

Are you going to answer that?

I'm going to regret this, I know it.

Could I have some privacy, please?

If you're after money, I'm skint. If you're looking for somewhere to kip,

full up. If you're selling something, I'm not interested.

And if you need a kidney, we ain't a match.

Still a gobby mare, I see.

Here I am.

Which cemetery did you nick those from?

Oh, Tracy.

How gorgeous as ever.

What do you want?

And Dorian.

Dorian. Oh, I'm sorry, babe. It's been a long time.

Not long enough.

Can't believe you three are all still together. What's up? Haven't you got any

other friends?

Still a silver -tongued burk, I see.

Get in there.

Mind yourself up a bit.

Pillow of the community now, aren't I?

It's not pillow, it's pillar.

What, like the rice?

Oh, no, never mind. I've got a steady job.

Did my city and guilds on my last stretch.

I'm a carpenter now.

Carpenter? Yeah, if it's good enough for Jesus.

Oh, so that's what this is all about.

You've gone...

and you're trying to recruit me into whatever nutjob sect has let you through

its doors. No, no, no, it's nothing like that.

So, what do you want?

A divorce.

And there was me hoping that we could make another go of it.

Really?

Oh, of course not, you idiot.

I'm well shot of you.

Why have you gone to the bother of coming here? We've been apart more than

years. You could just apply to the courts.

I've met another woman.

You were always meeting other women, Chris.

Mostly in alleyways with 20 quid in your hand.

Her name's Angie. We've been together for a couple of years and now she wants

get hitched. What's the rush?

She can't be pregnant.

Unless a miracle's happened and your sperm count has jumped into double

So, what's this Angie like, then? Not that I care. She's really nice.

Must be a saint to put up with you.

You ever met anyone?

Yeah. Yeah, I did, actually.

Gary. He was a paramedic.

Really? And weekends, he was the captain of the lifeboat team down South End.

Sounds like a nice change from me.

Six months on death row would be a nice change from you.

Well, so, are you still with him?

No.

No, he died.

Wrecked you in kiddies.

And puppies.

Oh, well, life goes on. Look, I need you to sign these papers.

Yeah, yeah, I will. When there's a quiet night, I'll tell you.

Is there anything else?

Oh, I could murder a cup of tea.

To your fourth cup of tea.

I want it all, don't you?

Life, then.

Paramedic? Kiddies?

Puppies? And where did St. Gary come from?

Been earwigging, have we?

Can't believe you never divorced that tosser.

I just never got round to it, all right? Yeah, I'm sensing a touch of jealousy

about Chris remarrying.

No.

This Angie is probably some bimbo with plastic knockers who's just fallen for

his old flannel.

Classic denial.

When Marcus married Wendy, I hated it. I mean, she was everything I wasn't.

Sweet. Home -loving, after the sight of Belgium.

That'll be Angie.

Is it all right if the dog comes in?

You can't talk about her like that.

Oh, you'll never change, will you?

You must be Angie.

Hello.

Oh, you're a... You've got a...

I'm Sharon. Come in. Thank you.

Now, are you sure you're all right there, doll?

I'm fine.

Honestly, he does fuss over me.

He does, doesn't he?

He's the best thing that ever happened to me.

My kids love him too.

Have you got kids?

Nice. Mum?

Not now, love.

Oh, great.

So, how do you get on with Chris's family then?

Like a house on fire.

Oh, so your mum's dead, is she?

No, Appy's still going strong.

Appy? His mum.

Short for Apollonia.

She was never very happy when you was around, was she, Shell?

Oh, dear. Did you clash?

Like two drunks in a chicken shop.

Exaggerating a bit, Tracy.

No, I'm not.

We had good time, though, didn't we, Chris?

Did we?

Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah.

One or two. I do find relationships fascinating.

I'm a writer, you see.

Really?

Anything I might have heard of? I don't want to bang my own drum.

Why not? You've banged everything else.

Sixty shades of green.

Oh, my gosh!

You're Foxy Cullen!

Oh, I should have guessed. I was so excited when they brought out a version

Braille. It's out in braille. And I can tell you it feels just as naughty as it

reads.

I'm so excited. I've never met anyone famous before.

Oh, Diane, it ain't like she's on X Factor.

What Sharon means is she's nothing special.

She's just our mate doll.

What is it they say about familiarity?

Worth two in the bush.

Isn't that in Chapter 7?

I was going to say that.

Why don't you come to the little engagement do we're having?

My friends would love to meet you, Dorian. Thank you, Angie.

Tracy, Sharon, please come.

You mean a lot to me.

Oh, I can't, really. Oh, go on.

Be our way of saying thank you for being so reasonable about the divorce.

Oh, well, all right then, yeah.

I'm sure I'll enjoy it a lot more than Chris's last engagement party.

The

last

time I let Sharon do an online shop, there's not a vitamin in this, look.

You get that?

Coffee with Angie.

Oh, my writer's block has gone.

It's been flushed through by my genius.

I am going to base the central character in my new book on her.

Confident, vibrant, sassy.

Blind people have heightened sensual awareness, you know. I'll break that

rubbish. Oh, no, no.

Oh, I am so excited. I'm virtually swimming in my own creative juices.

If you make any paddles, you can clear them up yourself.

Mum? What? I got fed up of waiting for you to do the washing, so I did it

myself. Good.

No, it's not good.

There was a pen in one of my pockets and, well, your white top got ruined.

You're joking.

Yeah, I'm joking.

I took it down the dry cleaner.

I said she'd pay you next time you're in. Thank God for that.

Do you realise what he's just done?

You're so relieved that he didn't ruin your new top.

You've just agreed to have his washing dry cleaned.

Oh, yeah.

Little sod.

I've been thinking.

Should we buy Chris and Angie an engagement gift?

The only thing I'm ever going to buy him is a headstone.

Come on, admit it, Sharon. You're jealous.

I'm not jealous.

I'm bloody angry.

I mean, why couldn't he have treated me the way he treats Angie, eh?

Instead of cheating on me and emptying me purse every chance he got.

Do you think it's because she's blind?

I doubt it. He wasn't that compassionate.

Look, you and Chris brought out the worst in each other. Some people

be together.

Like Jekyll and Hyde.

So it's my fault?

No, it's just that she's a bit more... And you're less... What's the word,

Oh, so many spring to mind.

Let's just go for demure.

Honestly, you moon one coachload of pensioners.

Maybe she brings out the gentleman in him.

Rubbish.

Why do I always get the crappy end of the stick?

It's not fair.

No, it's not fair, shall.

But there's not a lot you can do about it.

Oh, yes, there is.

I can let Angie know that she is marrying a low -life cheating scumbag.

find out herself soon enough. I mean, what's the point?

It'll make me feel better.

That's the point.

Your ex -mother -in -law, Raffi, dear.

Must have flown first -class broomstick from Nicosia.

Hello, lady. Thank you so much for coming.

Wouldn't have missed it for the world.

She says you're looking well.

There's a lot of people looking forward to meeting you, Dorian. Really?

And I'm looking forward to getting stuck into research on my new book. And

there's someone I want to meet.

Handsome hunk, sitting in the corner.

That must be Jack.

Good pick.

Perfect.

See you later.

Excuse me, we'd better mingle. Help yourself to some champagne.

Come along, Christopher.

Coming, darling.

Like a little lapdog, innit?

Look, Shell, don't say anything to Andy about Chris. You'll only upset yourself.

Yeah, you're right.

If he treats her better than he treated me, then good luck to her.

God knows she's going to need it. You're doing the right thing, keeping your

dignity.

We'll add this.

I'll give Chris the divorce papers, then we'll go. Here.

We can go down scenarios.

It's buy one shot, get two free tonight. We can get hammered. What, and moon

another coachload of pensioners?

Well, if one happens to pass by.

Sorry to disappoint a lovely lady like yourself, but the whole idea of blind

people being more sensuous is a bit of a myth.

I did suspect that.

But before I give away my secret, I think it's only fair I know a few things

about you.

Well... No, no, let me try and guess.

Sexy, husky voice.

Chic perfume.

May I?

Fashionably short skirt.

I would say you're a sophisticated, stylish woman of around 38, 39.

Near enough.

Why don't I get us both a drink before we make a start?

Perfect.

What have you been up to?

Um, Jack thinks I'm 39.

What, in dog years?

It's just so nice to have a younger man judge me on my youthful, vibrant

personality instead of dismissing me because I may have one or two wrinkles.

No harm in that.

Well, let's hope he still thinks so when he finds out he's been chatting up

Sylvester Stallone's mother.

Excuse me, girls.

Quick.

Oh, what?

Divorce papers.

All signed. Have a nice life.

Oh, thanks. Cheers, shall we?

Can I ask you something?

You treat her so much better than you did me.

The truth, for once.

She looks after me.

I looked after you. Ah, you never looked after me.

Burnt fish fingers four nights a week.

What, on a chip sandwich for Sunday lunch? And you never cleaned, either.

I mean, her hoovering's better than yours, and she can't even see what she's

doing.

I bet you're playing about behind her back, just like you did with me. No, I

don't do that anymore.

Oh, yeah.

So if I was to check your phone, I wouldn't find text from whatever

is that you're seeing at the moment.

I can read you like the book.

You're a liar and a cheat.

I hate the sight of you, Sharon.

And I wish you were dead, Chris.

You know what?

They should have been our wedding vows.

Oh, this is brilliant.

This is just the sort of material I need.

I must say, you lead a very active life.

What are the chances you can take a little break in a few weeks?

Angie's invited a group of us over to this villa that Chris has inherited.

It's in Cyprus.

We're going to turn it into an adventure break.

Rock climbing, paragliding, kayaking.

Do you fancy it?

I haven't been entirely honest with you about my age.

You're not 39?

No. 45?

No.

50? No.

55? Could we just stop there?

I'm never usually this wrong.

You certainly don't sound old. Duh.

Then I thought.

Dorian Green, you are a remarkable woman.

And up here, you will always be 39.

Oh, Jack, that is lovely.

And for the record, you were planning to sleep with me at this weekend, weren't

you? Definitely.

Still got it.

Right, let's go.

I've wiped that merchant off my shoes for the last time. Good girl.

Are we leaving? The toy boy's asked you out. What's happened?

Well, it all unravelled when he told me about the villa that Chris had just

inherited in Cyprus.

Say that again?

It all unravelled... The last bit.

Chris has just inherited a villa in Cyprus.

Good luck to him.

Don't you get it, shall?

That's why they've been rushing this divorce.

They want to make sure you ain't got any claim on it.

You won't be up to much.

He'll be like everything else he's about, Chris.

He won't be as big as he promised, and he won't be anywhere where you want it.

It doesn't matter.

You're entitled to it. Come on, shall, let's have him. No, look, must we cause

scene? I thought you were all for moving on and keeping your dignity.

It's not dignity.

They're not taking my sister for a mug.

I knew you'd be trouble the minute you walked through the door, trying to cheat

my sister out of what's rightfully hers.

What do you mean?

You know what I mean. The villa in Cyprus.

She doesn't deserve anything. She was a terrible wife. No, Angie, that's where

you're wrong. All she wanted was a family, and he robbed her of that.

Angie, why don't you ask him about all the texts on his phone from his

girlfriend? They're lying, babe.

Honest. Give me your phone. Oh, don't listen to them. They're just a pair of

frustrated, bitter old trouts who ain't getting any.

I've waited 25 years to do this.

Mist.

Well, it wasn't real champagne anyway.

I think you three had better leave.

Don't worry.

We're going.

But before we do... Oh!

Oh!

Miss Hale, what did you say to us? I told you that every Friday night, Chris

used to like to wear a bra and a fishnet.

I'm calling Sophie Edsman.