Original subtitles

Be positive, love. Just because our little Kimberley's marrying Garth, it

doesn't mean she has to be part of his family.

I'm no snob, George, but they're just not good enough for us. Maybe there's a

gentler side we haven't seen yet.

Yeah, good job and all. When I got there, they was all on single measures.

We'd never have group mooned that bus if I hadn't suggested it.

Kids, eh?

Look, I've got to go.

Dorian's having a bit of man trouble.

Still don't have to tell you, eh?

But he could be all right.

they have a gentler side.

I love winding up that stuck -up pair.

It's Garfield and the boys.

Still, never mind. I've got the whip.

Oh, I don't want another drink.

Oh, lighten up.

Richard's history.

Forget about old relationships. You've got to move on.

Poison new ones.

I want to go home.

The night is young.

But I'm not.

charger batteries.

Go on, flash your Charlies, pull the barman.

What?

Another one -night stand, another cut -price souvenir.

Is he all right?

What's he been drinking?

Ain't the same as me.

About 15 pints, Sharon.

Is it? Oh, I can't anymore.

Get an ambulance.

He don't need an ambulance.

past nine.

Garfield's getting married in a few hours and there's a million things to do

still.

Oh, you stinker kebabs.

I had to have one after the stag night. It's still on my stomach.

That was two days ago.

They do tend to linger on me.

I told them down at the casualty when I was pumping Garfield's stomach, I said,

no need, just get him a large doner, that'll sort it.

I also wouldn't listen.

Hardly homeopathy, is it?

Irresponsible. I didn't pour booze down the boy's throat.

You're an expert at plying blokes with drink.

You won't have a sex life otherwise.

That was below the belt.

Well, he's poisoning my son.

Now, come on, get off of there and help.

There's plenty of time.

It was that attitude that turned your big day into a shambles.

The thing big about my wedding day was our Rini's Jacksie in that orange

suit.

Bloody tango woman, she ruined my life.

That's the only drawback with weddings.

Relatives. We won't be seeing Rini's Jacksie or her lot this time. They

bothered RSVPing. I thought at least little Dawn would have took the trouble.

They're a common lot.

God, that's frightening.

Having part of our family you can call common.

Listen to me.

Watch my lips.

I want my son's wedding day to be pleasant.

I don't want him, or me, embarrassed in front of Kimberley's mum and dad.

All right?

Don't see why we should jump through hoops for that stuck -up pair.

Just because we're as coarse as cupcakes don't mean we have to act like it.

Bleeding corpse?

Of course we're corpse.

Every family do we've ever had has finished in an undignified punch -up.

This time we'll fight with dignity.

It's bad enough that Daryl can't be there because he's in the nick, so the

you can do is behave.

And that means no swearing, no belching, and no scratching anything between your

waist and your knees.

And if your underwear rides up, leave it.

What are you two doing here?

Do you want me to go?

No, no, I'm just surprised it's so early.

Well, what time is it?

Ten past seven.

You told me it was on. I know I did.

You'd still be stinking in your pit if I hadn't.

For Garth and Kimberley.

Well, it's not much, but I haven't had a lot of time, you know.

Garth's still in bed.

He'll thank you later.

Whatever.

Anyway, I'm not coming to the wedding.

Why?

Not in the mood.

I don't eat sour things anyway. You know, that's what I do.

Suit yourself.

Bleeding actress.

Look, don't forget about Richard.

He could break your life. He's out enjoying himself.

Look, I know you're trying to help, but really, you don't understand.

Don't go. Do I have a cup of tea with us?

No, I'm better off on my own.

Well, we're here if you need us.

Thanks.

God, she's half depressed.

So? There's no excuse for coming round here with a yump.

Tracey? Well, look what she bought him. She's supposed to be our best friend.

And she won't even bother him coming to the wedding.

It's hurtful.

You saw what estate she was in.

anywhere unless every crack's filled.

Morning.

Condemned man as to eat a hearty breakfast?

Oh, yeah, and I'll need my strength because, ooh -er, missus, it's my

night. Now, can we draw a veil over the clichéd wedding day humour, or will you

be filling the marital bed with shaving foam and itching powder?

You told him!

It's juvenile.

It's funny!

Listen, Mum, I don't think I can manage this lot. I'm still a bit sore after

that stomach pump.

Stop bleating!

They could have shoved it up your alternative roof.

Pleasant.

Probably be the last breakfast I'll make you.

Can't believe my little boy's getting married.

Your little boy isn't getting married.

I'm 22, I'm part owner of a restaurant, I've got a kid on the way.

Oh, Danny's saying grown up.

Bat nails.

See the wedding present Dorian got you?

I don't remember offending her.

She's depressed.

I'm going to go round and see her in a minute.

Oh, his dad was dead.

Three, two, one, moan.

Bleeding buses.

Two hours it took me to get here.

Why are you here? You told me to pop round for a pre -wedding drink.

Not at quarter past ten in the morning, I never.

I've got waters off at my place, Bleeding Council. Three weeks I've been

for them to come and fix it.

You don't know how lucky you are, girl. A palace, this is, compared to where I

live. If my Daryl knew what I had to put up with, he'd go potty.

You know, I was burgled last month.

Daryl did mention it. The bosses cleaned me out.

Even took your grandmother's urn, yeah?

Police reckon they must have took her ashes for that cocaine stuff.

Typical of her.

Even when she's dead, she's getting up people's noses.

Here, there's your garb. He's going to have a spare room, won't you?

Oh, Garth, so you granted where the bathroom is? Oh, it wouldn't be a

Believe us, Les, you would.

I hope you never get home.

I'll be happy. That'll be me, Les. Just to spite you.

Pleasant.

Morning.

We're going to a wedding, aren't we?

But you said you weren't going.

Oh, forget what I said.

For the happy couple.

You've already bought a present. Oh, don't be ridiculous. Chuck it in the

Oh, the blushing groom.

Bride's blush door, not groom's.

He'll blush when he sees what I've got him in this bag.

Blimey. Just a little something to make sure your wedding night goes with a

buzz.

He said she had the ump.

Even for a woman that could mood swing for her country, this is dramatic.

That was then. This is now.

Now, Tracy, how are you getting to the ceremony?

I'm taking the car. Oh, nonsense. I've hired a limo. You'll come with me.

Oh, cool.

Oh, it's the least I can do.

I've always come to think of Garth as the son I never had.

Rand, here he is, the only son you've never had.

I'm worried about Dorian.

This turnaround's weird.

I don't think she's stable.

That's not news.

Dorian's never been stable.

This limo door, is it one of them where the top goes down?

No. But with any luck, the chauffeur will.

See? Same old Dorian.

Another bottle of champagne.

You've already had two.

Should you be drinking in your state?

What state?

You're a bit emotional.

I'm fine.

Keep the change.

Hiya, Trace.

You're in the pub.

Well, I had to.

There was no drink in the house, was there? For good reason. I told you I

want our lot getting on the sauce.

They'll end up doing the conga down the aisle after the bride.

Less than a minute I've been here, and two things you've done to upset me.

Two? You haven't said my hair looks nice.

All right, Mum.

You hurt your head?

No.

Her hair looks nice, though, doesn't it?

Yeah, great.

Listen, we've got a bit of a problem.

Best man's cried off.

Oh, no.

Well, it was always a bit of a risk picking someone who'd done voluntary

in Africa.

His recurrent malaria's flared up.

Keeps getting that, doesn't he?

You can't have the best man standing there shaking and sweating.

They're like the groom.

Well, you'll have to ask one of your other mates.

Get someone who's nicely spoken.

No, I want to ask Shell.

Eh?

Well, there's no one I'm closer to.

No, it tries.

Besides,

all my mates said they wouldn't feel right calling themselves best man,

as how on the stag night Sharon proved she could out -drink and out -bite every

one of them.

All right.

Gar, talk to your grandad.

It's a pity your daddy can't be here, isn't it?

Oh, I don't know. Prison guards and handcuffs never enhance the wedding

I haven't got you a present.

I'm shocked.

Well, anybody can get you a present.

Everybody will.

Yeah, but they're just things, aren't they?

Well, it's things we need. Yes, but what I'm going to give you is the benefit of

my experience.

Save you some of the pain that I've suffered here.

What's that? Your heart or your wallet?

One and the same, isn't it, sir? Here.

Fifty twigs.

Well, I thought I wasn't getting a present. You're not. It's a loan.

Go down the station, get yourself a one -way ticket to anywhere, and when you

come to your centres, you can give it back to me.

That's a few quid on top of what I'm losing whilst it's out the back of the

bingo.

Grandad, look, I want to marry Kimberley. No, you don't. It's just a

madness. And don't let the fact that she's pregnant sway you either. Of

you can't be sure that it's yours.

Well, your father's parentage is a bit suspect, you know. Your grandmother was

very sociable woman in her younger days.

What are you saying? You might not be my grandfather?

Possibly, yeah.

More champagne.

Oh, yes, yes.

But, you know, I have to be careful with this, though, because it gets the old

juices going, you know what I mean?

Les, I was so sorry to hear that your wife had died.

Well, don't be. She's a very mean woman. Wouldn't give you the drippings off the

end of her nose, huh?

You fascinate me, Les.

There's such a pervasive air of vulgarity about you.

Oh, that must be me high karate.

I've got a car, Giz, and I'm dying for a snack.

you doing playing up to Les Miserable?

Just trying to have some fun.

Oh, no.

No.

What?

The champagne's gone flat. I don't believe it.

It's no big deal. You don't have to go into one.

Oh, shut up!

You don't understand!

I'll be back in a minute.

We've got to do something about Dorian. What now?

You've got to see the state she's in.

What do you mean?

Heartbroken, isn't she?

Is that it?

What? No, Trey, she's still got me.

I know.

while crying.

Lovely ceremony.

I wish you every happiness, Garth. Thanks, Mum. Every happiness, Kimberly.

You look lovely.

Both of you.

Or should I call you Mum?

All the best to the both of you.

Picture, just to prove you.

No, no, no.

Mum, I've arranged for the official photographer to take all the photographs

over by the stairs.

We want him to have done in here.

I think over there is better.

Isn't it up to Kimberly and Garth?

Yes, of course.

My feelings of no concern.

OK, we'll have them done by the stage.

Only if you're sure.

I was just saying, what a lovely ceremony.

It was quite nice, I suppose.

Though, as you know, I would have preferred Kimberley to be married in a

Maybe next time I... It gets right

up my pipe.

Just let her walk all over everything. Why don't you say something? I don't

any ruptures.

First chance of that.

Looks like the posh side of the family's decided to make the brim.

Bye, Trace.

No, really, he's got that trouser suit on again.

You know what?

Really, I didn't know you were coming.

Your dad rung you, didn't he? No.

We're family. Should we take this? Red will be here.

I'm really sorry, Trace.

We've missed the ceremony.

I don't matter. We're here for the important bits. The folk is going to

I want today to be a pleasant one. You make it unpleasant, I'll break both your

legs. I hear you, Trace. I hear you.

Right, well, I'm just going to get a match to bridesmaids.

Congratulations, Garth. Thank you.

Yeah,

Mum, Dorian asked me to give you this.

What is it?

I don't know, but there's a cheque for five grand in the one she gave me.

She's giving us her share of the cleaning business.

What does she want to do that for?

Oh, she's never really been one for cleaning, has she? I don't know, maybe

bored with it.

Where is she?

She's gone to the reception, I suppose.

Where do you think you're going?

To find her.

I'm worried, Tracey. She's been acting strange.

She was fine when she gave me that. She didn't have a care in the world. See?

Now get back here. You're the best man.

You've got responsibilities.

And number one... Make sure Tango Woman don't get in any of the photos.

I've just run Dorian's.

She's not there, she's not here. Look, if she's not here by the time the speech

is over, we're going to look.

Get that down.

Oi, you're in my chair, you.

You show me where it says reserved for miserable old kids so you can have it

back. You're not allowed on the top table.

Immediate family only on the top table.

It's our fault, Tracy. If we'd RSVP'd, you wouldn't have had to crush us in

this. What stopped you was the cousin who can read and write on holiday, don't

we?

This is smashing, Garthy.

Thanks. Keep me going to the buffet.

You did remember to order the jelly deals, didn't you?

We are not having jelly deals or whelks or winkles or pearly kings and queens.

Seafood swimming in vinegar is traditional.

Well, we've got pheasant in aspic.

What's aspic?

Jelly.

Oh, I see.

So we can have jellied bird, but we can't have jellied eel.

What's the theme song going to be later?

Roll out the shabbly. My old man's an accountant. The oi -si -toi -si.

Not time yet. Just do it before there's another van out. Easy, easy.

A little bit of hush, please.

Unaccustomed, as I am, and all that, it seems down to me to make the speech.

You had to read the messages first.

Oh, dear.

Sorry. Sorry.

Good luck on your big day, Garth.

That's from all the girls and boys on the stomach pump unit at Whips Cross

Casualty.

Not for them to remember, eh?

This one's from Garth's Uncle Chris.

Can't read that, it's filthy.

Close that one.

This one's all right.

Cheers. Love, Daryl.

He always was a man of few words.

But long sentences.

As I'm a bit of an emergency stand -in, I didn't have much time to prepare a

speech, so I'll keep it short.

Well, what can I say about Garth?

I suppose the best thing is to tell the truth.

Though I did promise not to mention anything about that transvestite stage

went through.

easy for him ever since his dad went to work on

the oil rigs and he couldn't use that as an excuse to go off the rails but

instead he worked hard passed his exams and now here he is with a share of his

own restaurant and a lovely new wife not

that he has an old one of course

We all know you're a chef.

You didn't have to prove it by putting a bun in the oven.

You can laugh if I said agar.

Anyway, I'm proud to have him as a nephew, and I know that Tracy and Daryl

are proud to have him as a son. Hear, hear.

So, raise your glasses.

And let's make a toast to the new Mr and Mrs Stubbs.

Mr and Mrs Stubbs.

Sounds funny, doesn't it?

Richard, what are you doing here? It's Dorian. She must have pushed this

my letterbox. It's rambling. She keeps saying goodbye and talks about going off

to a better place.

I've been round to her flat. I couldn't get any reply, but I'm sure she's there.

It's OK. We've got a spare key.

Sorry. Look at this.

Oh, no, it's her birthday.

What with the wedding and everything, I forgot.

My God.

No wonder she's depressed.

She's 50.

You're here.

Just in time to witness the final act of the tragedy that is Dorian Green.

You silly cat, how many pills have you taken?

Don't know. What are they?

Brown ones.

Look for an empty bottle, Trice.

Dorian, why are you doing this?

Bad hair day.

yourself. Oh, don't I?

I'm lonely, Sharon.

I've always been lonely.

Nobody's ever really loved me, not even Marcus.

And who's going to love me now I'm old?

I can't face years and years of just emptiness.

I love you, Dorian.

No, you don't.

to choose between me and those spiteful children of yours. It was no contest.

I was wrong.

I've been miserable ever since we split up.

You're the most important person in the world to me.

There's a bit bloody late to tell me now.

Don't panic.

She's only drunk.

You've certainly got the glossiest coat.

Black coffee. It'll do you good.

I'm fine now.

Don't need it.

Promises you won't do anything stupid like that again, Dore.

Don't worry.

I'll be looking after her from now on.

We'll leave you two alone.

We'd better get back to the reception.

Sort out the punch -up.

Oh, it's been a fight?

Bands were been.

Listen, I want to thank you both for caring.

Forget it, Dore.

You both mean a lot to me. You know that, don't you?

Of course we do.

Even so, you do realise that the letter I wrote giving you my share of the

business was written when the balance of my mind was disturbed.

So any attempt to enforce it, I'll have to drag you through the courts.

Welcome back, Dore.

It's a nightmare.

You don't have to go through with it, you know. Oh, give it up, Mum. We've had

the service.

That can be annulled. It hasn't been consummated. I'm pregnant.

All that means is that you had sex before the marriage.

You haven't had it after.

Oh, my God, Kimberly.

It's still daylight.

Everything all right?

Just dance with me, please.

No furniture broken, no blood on the walls.

We're at the right reception.

Everyone knows how much Tracy wanted today to be pleasant, so mostly they've

been on their best behaviour.

Apart from Dad.

He called Kimberly's elderly aunt a prance.

But she's deaf, so there's no undone.

I see she's still got the up.

But that's what today's all about.

She's got such a pole up her arse, she can't see it.

We don't get away with too much.

Mum?

Thank you both for everything.

Lovely, thank you.

You've been bloody brilliant.

Language, God.

You're not at home now.

That's it.

I've let you get away with too much.

You think that's swearing, do you? Well, I'll show you what swearing is.