Original subtitles

What will I do when you...

We don't bother no one.

Go on, then.

Grass me up to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Here, Trace.

Why do they still call themselves Alcoholics Anonymous?

Everyone knows it's the Arsenal.

place? Yeah, common.

Thanks. Well, what do you expect?

Raffling yourself down there last week.

You's an arse cheaping yourself, you do.

Well, there's no point pricing yourself out the market.

Besides, I'm free and single.

Free? You'll be even cheaper than that next week. You'll be giving it away with

lunch and vouchers.

You still don't get it, do you?

I don't want to get laid. I want to get pregnant.

I'm being scientific about it.

Look, data.

Aye.

Garthy says I should cast my internet.

He said I should do a genetic grid of anal.

What?

This is my personal sex survey.

It's amazing what people tell you if you say it from the media.

By this time next week, I'll have the sperm count of every bloke in the

sperm on the brain you have.

Well, it's no good up there, is it?

I need to tempt it down a bit.

I wish I could reseed myself, like one of those things you see on David

Attenborough.

I'd be well away.

Yeah, you'd be a one -woman population explosion.

No, I wouldn't. Yes, you would. You're piggy with everything.

You'd breed a whole country in no time at all.

Then you'd want to join the EEC so you could get your hand out.

Very starkey.

What's up with you?

Nothing.

Yeah, I was right about that Gary Mills.

He's fertile, all right, but his breeding's crap.

Look, look.

Losers both sides of the blanket.

Losers going back in history as far as dickhead the first.

So?

So? There's no point jumping. into bed with losers, is there? That's never

bothered you before.

This time it's different.

All I want is their seed.

To cross fertilise, to incubate, to hatch out into a free range chicken by

sand.

Don't be stupid.

You're not listening.

This is science. This is breeding.

Breeding's stupid if you ask me.

Look, look.

This is the biblical version.

See? Jim Quigley, from number 42, begat him from over the laundrette, who begat

them at 37.

Who begat half of Anger.

What are you going on about?

Then there's the sporting life version.

See? There's young Billy, side by a man from the prune out of a Dagenham girl

piper.

Apparently, he's the half -brother of a very good Essex spin bowler.

You haven't done his whole family tree?

Well, of course.

Every three generations, they throw up a little mare.

I wouldn't mind some of that.

Just a case of being in the right place at the right time. Yeah, when you're

back in the saloon bar at closing time.

You're talking sex.

I'm talking genetics.

We are just one big melting pot.

You mean you're one big oven and you won't be happy until you've got a bun in

it?

Bun in the oven? That's pregnant, isn't it?

Or is that toad in the hole?

I've come without my cockney slag phrasebook.

You've been earwigging again. Oh, please, you can hear you right down the

street. It was the same when you were in Chigwell. In fact, since you left, Mrs

Franks at number 27 has had to start watching EastEnders.

She didn't realise she'd become hooked on pathos and verbal abuse.

Have you just come round to stir it, or was there something else? My God, it's

not enough.

that I am being thrown out of my house again.

That lovely little rose -covered cottage that I've lived in since childhood.

None of mine.

Oh, where's your sense of tragedy?

Look, he wants to move her in, his precious Geraldine.

And she's pregnant again, for God's sake. She's got another toad in the

Bun!

Oh, toad, bun, bagel, what does it matter?

She'll be having morning sickness. all over my carpets. Well, they won't be

carpets, will they? And anyway, it's not the end of the world. Yes, it is.

Take one last look at the Dorian Green collection before it is auctioned to the

chattering classes.

Oh, I see.

Marcus has made his offer, has he?

A bit low on the old maintenance?

The maintenance is about to destroy me. I am going to have to pawn everything.

Not even one more masonic ball in my dear Monty's sandals.

It'll be one last waltz down to Hatton Garden into the second -hand tree.

He likes to give you some ink.

Yes, yes.

But look what he's offering.

So what's the problem?

Is that for a year?

I could live on that for five years.

Oh, don't be stupid, Sharon. You'll eat more than that in a month.

I mean, I'm not like you two. I need the right ambience, the right...

I'm an exotic hothouse flower.

The words Venus flytrap come to mind.

How does he expect me to live on this pittance? I mean, I might end up, God

forbid, in a house like this.

What I need is a revolving jacuzzi, two -way mirrors and a whole football team

in the wardrobe.

Well, it's a start, but I'm going to have to economise.

Just add the football team.

Six, six, six.

Do you know something? You're as bad as she is.

Oh, your magazine came.

There's a lovely picture of Mel Gibson in it.

It's been torn out.

Yeah, it's on my wall.

And why haven't you made free shampoo?

Elite.

What, all over your head?

No. Yes, I can smell it from here.

that's supposed to smell like apples.

Either that or you've got a pound of Granny Smith's rotting up there.

All right, all right.

Let's do the quiz.

It's a survey on motherhood.

Thanks, but the boxes have already been ticked.

I've scored 70.

That's because you lied. You ticked no painkillers during childbirth.

70 means I'd be a really good mum.

Yeah, but if you told the truth, yours would be taken into care by now.

Let's not talk about it, you'd say?

Suits me fine.

Plenty of other things to talk about?

Right.

Well, here's to the free Chris Theodopolopoulos campaign.

And as I browse through the letters of sympathy and support, I'm touched

by how many people want to see him walk free.

You're going to have to tell him. Look what you've done building his hopes up.

You told him the Archbishop of Canterbury was going to speak for him in

House of Lords.

There was a chance.

No, there wasn't. It was a lie like everything else that comes out of your

telling him Princess Di was going to visit him.

All right.

Out with it.

Out with what?

I don't know. I dread to think.

But you've had the ump for days. No, I ain't. Yes, you have.

You've done nothing but have a go at me.

Especially when I mention babies.

Yeah, well, that's because you're disgusting with it.

It's a very basic thing, Trace. You don't have to tell me. I know more about

having babies than you do.

No, you don't. Yes, I do.

Yeah, OK.

When was the last time you were pregnant?

Now. Yeah, but that... Eh?

I'm pregnant now, if you must know.

That makes me feel a lot better.

Joes, then.

Who else you been gazumping?

I don't want to talk about it. The whole thing disgusts me. I can't believe that

was me.

So who was it? I'm so ashamed and disgusted.

I mean, please don't talk about it. My lips are sealed.

It what?

Michael Jackson.

Don't be so stupid.

Well, you said you was ashamed and disgusted.

I've got to get rid of it, I know that.

You can't, Trace.

You did.

Different time, different place.

So? You've never regretted it? You've always reckoned you did the right thing.

Do I?

Look, there ain't a day goes by when I don't think it'd be six now and I'd be

standing outside the school gates with all the other mums.

Except I ain't, Trace.

What am I going to do?

Visiting's tomorrow.

You've got to tell Chris he's going to stay banged up.

What am I going to tell Daryl?

You're banged up too.

Well, Chris, there's bad news and there's good news.

The bad news is it's going to rain solid for the next five years.

The good news is you'll be nice and dry.

Well, Daryl, the good news is I'm pregnant.

The bad news is... Let's go to Farnsbury's.

Right, Mr Clever Marcus.

What about the Baker Reade account?

Remember? All those lovely little old ladies, stripped of their assets.

They were sharing death aids at the end.

It was three to a wheelchair.

It was tragic.

What?

No, I didn't.

I don't like sailors. And anyway, I'm allergic to cannabis, you filthy

-minded... Swine!

Well, I wish you short life. I hope you choke on a bacon sandwich and the rabbi

comes to the inquest.

What are you trying to do?

Blackmail Marcus, of course.

Force him to the negotiating table. I need a settlement I can live on.

The trouble is, he has more on me than I have on him.

Well, of course he has. He sent the private detective round, remember?

You shouldn't have had him and all.

What's the matter with you two?

Has the heating broken down already?

I did warn you about living in a cheap house, didn't I? I did say it's not like

M &S.

You can't live in it for two weeks, then change it and get your money back.

We were going out. We're going visiting.

Well, that's all right. So am I. Now, listen.

This... blackmail thing is not going to work.

So there's only one thing left to do.

I am going to have to speak to his precious Geraldine.

You can't do that, Dor.

She thinks Dorian Green is dead.

Yes, and you'd be hurting an innocent woman.

She's stealing my husband.

How innocent can she be?

Look, you had the chance and you thought better of it. Yeah, well, that was

yesterday. That was about decency, being kinder.

Finer feelings, the higher self.

This is now.

This is about fitted carpets and in -store credit.

This is survival, so sod it.

Hello.

Geraldine.

Guess who this is.

Well?

She guessed who it was.

Apparently, Marcus has told her everything and so has the private

Do you know what she called me?

Look.

We've got our own problems, all right. Well, of course you have your working

class. That's what you're there for.

Well, now we've got another problem.

Tracy's pregnant.

Thanks a lot, big gob.

Pregnant? Oh, that's wonderful.

A single mother off on a prison visit. It just gets better and better.

You are a walking disaster, Aria. No wonder I have no luck hanging round you

two.

Knew she'd be happy for you.

Oh, no, that's great news.

Well, you look happy.

Yeah. Yeah, you look nice and rosy. You've been on the sunbed.

Yeah.

Here, have you been drinking?

Yeah.

Home from home.

Home from bloody home.

So what else?

We got a postcard from Garfield.

We? You mean you got one from him?

No, it's to you and all.

Look, every second word is Michelle.

Who's she?

Don't know, but she's filled the car, so she must be feeling his head.

Kids, eh?

Who'd have them?

Don't know.

Yeah, OK, Sharon, I'm on me way.

Can't wait.

Well, go on, then.

Go on, then, what?

Well, you've obviously got something you want to tell me.

No, I ain't, Daryl.

There's nothing I want to tell you, honest.

Come on, Trace, I know you're better than that. Spit it out.

I wish I could.

All right, Trace, how's Garfield? Del?

Oh, are you?

I'm sorry I was late. There was a big snooker match on.

Well, that shouldn't interfere with visiting.

How comes the screws allow it?

Well, I was winning.

Hey, see who's here? Ernie's daughter. Remember Tiffany? Tiffany!

We've known her since Maidstone, since she was that high.

And do you remember how she shot up when we were at Lonsdale? Well, look at her

this week.

Getting married next week.

We watch them grow up, don't we?

Do we?

I wish.

Anyway, Chris, I've got some news for you. Yeah?

Good news or bad news?

Both.

The bad news is the campaign's gone down the tubes.

The good news is you could stay in here for years.

Yeah?

Well, I reckon with a few one -man riots, you could stay in here for life.

It ain't that bad, you know.

And, Shell, I know where I stand in here. And you know something else?

They seem to like me in here.

Noted for its taste, this place.

Food's all right. We've got a great TV room, and we all get our own shower.

Welcome to the Theodopalopita Tilton.

It's really good on it.

The phones are working, we've got the best library I've ever seen, and they do

videos. Oh, yeah, that reminds me.

Billy?

Appy is a pig in sheep.

OK, look, something's bugging you.

You're visiting me now. Please, leave your problems at home.

I couldn't leave this at home, Daryl. Oh, for God's sake, Trace, talk to me. I

thought we was back together again. I thought it was you and me.

All right, then. You ready?

Yeah. I'm pregnant.

Pregnant?

The thing is, Daryl... Pregnant?

No, Trace, no.

My kid will be walking and talking. I won't be there to see it.

My kid, Trace.

My kid.

This is it, Daryl. I know it is. You don't have to tell me.

This is the second time, Trace.

This is the second kid I won't see grow up.

I've done it again, Trace.

Oh, God.

I've done it again.

Daryl, don't cry.

Everyone's looking at you. Oh, I'm sorry, Trace.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Chris? Help with that. He's your mate.

He's crying.

I know he is, so show him some affection.

Leave me out. I've got to live in this gap.

You told him then.

Feeling better today?

A bit.

everything. Yeah, we could have flooded the whole ground floor.

Oh, hello.

No new carrier bags from Harrods or Harvey Nicks?

Looks naked without her shopping, doesn't she? Go on, sneer.

You are looking at the materially challenged.

The nouveau destitute.

Why don't you get yourself a little job?

A little job?

How little?

Would I notice I was doing it?

I picked rock bottom.

You have to help me, you two.

Just Teach me those working -class tricks of survival.

I... I go mugging in broad daylight.

Teach me how to make a box of matches last a week.

Teach me how to make faggots and peas.

What is a dripping sandwich?

I mean, dripping in what?

Oh, never mind, we can always go to bingo on Thursday nights. It is

isn't it?

It is bingo, isn't it?

So Marcus ain't come up with a dosh, then?

I shall be on the streets.

No, I wouldn't bother to.

Too much competition, love.

Those girls from Bradford land the cutter every time. Yeah.

Those Bradford girls are like that.

Never knowingly undersold.

Unless, of course, you offer a special piece.

Yeah.

Show us your bus pass and I'll give you a free ride.

Oh, shut up, you two.

Pity the blackmail never worked.

Yeah.

Does his mum know about all this?

Does she know that he's shacked up with some Catholic bird?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Sharon, if I didn't know you were stupid, I'd think you were a genius.

Why do I always need a drink after she's been ran?

Come on, let's go down to the pub. No.

Go on, you haven't been down there for weeks.

So?

So?

Avoid the place.

You are trying to avoid the place.

Well, you never know who you might bump into.

I see.

Like a certain Mr X who is too disgusting and shaming to talk about.

Oh, shut up.

Ha -ha!

Someone down the pub.

Here. Ain't that bloke with the leather jacket and the flash tattoo, is he? No.

Good, I wanted him.

You do, don't you?

Oh, come on, Trace. Don't be stupid.

You can't go on avoiding whoever.

If he's local, you're going to bump into him sooner or later.

Yeah, well, I prefer it to be later.

What, when he's six months gone?

Hello, Marcus.

It's me.

No, no, no.

You listen.

I have your mother in the car.

No, not in the boot.

Yet, anyway.

I shall be leaving here in about two minutes.

They say the M25 is lovely this time of the year.

I shall be driving eastward, chatting to your mother.

Have a little think, dear.

Just a little one.

If you haven't phoned me back by the time you get to Thurrock, then ha!

Your mother will hear the good news.

How you're leaving your good Jewish wife destitute to shuck up with a red

-headed shickster.

She will be the first person to die of a heart attack in the Darkfoot Tunnel.

What? Tracey, what are you... Tracey, come here.

Right. What are you having?

Kittens.

Oh,

so it ain't Reggie, then?

No.

Done yourself a favour there, Trace.

You can't tell, but he's half Chinese.

How would you explain that to Daryl?

Been eating too much crispy duck.

Have you ever thought of becoming a grief counsellor?

No. Thank God for that. People would be chucking themselves under the earth.

Now get me a drink while I'm going.

All right, all right.

Trace? Trace, it ain't Big Eddie.

Let's go.

We ain't running away.

You don't have to, but I am.

Are you serious about Big Eddie? Of course I'm not serious.

I just had a nasty accident in the dark.

I mean, are you serious about him being the father?

He might be.

No, he can't be.

Big Eddie's the original Mr Vasectomy. Eh?

One of the early ones.

That went wrong.

Totally irreversible. You're joking.

Trace, there's about as much chance of Eddie being the father as you winning

lottery four weeks on the trough. Are you sure?

Cockneys.

Yeah, boys, boys.

Have you heard the one about Big Eddie and the Charterport Agency?

They thought he was expensive until they discovered he was a snip.

See, he's famous for it.

What a relief.

So it must be Daryl's. Yeah.

Let's have that drink then.

Well, if it's Daryl's, well, I'll have yours.

Fancy you pulling big, Eddie, eh?

Yeah.

At least I think it was him.

Eh?

Well, I told you it was dark.

But he's the only tall bloke I know with blonde hair and glasses.

Hello, Trace.

Not been avoiding me, have you?

Don't be so hard on yourself.

You were lonely. You was drunk.

I was easy.

You may not have been.

You may have been really difficult.

You don't know you was drunk.

We still don't know who the father is.

Look, Trace, I may not be the world's greatest mathematician, but think about

it. How many times did you do it with Daryl?

And how many times did you do it with whoever?

So cheer up.

Got a new life growing inside you.

It'll be okay.

Garfield turned out all right.

But kids need two parents now. It takes two.

We are two.

At the end of the day, it's love that counts.

You've got a lot of love to give, Trace.

Me too.

I'm stuffed full of it.

I must be.

Can't all be cellulite.

Believe me, Sharon, it is.

Oh, look.

It's that poor... old Jewish woman that the Oxfam shop's worried about?

Probably come round for scrounging lessons.

Or to learn how to tear up newspapers to hang in the loo.

Sorry to disappoint you both, but I won't be joining you at the DHSS this

Look, Marcus came to his senses just in time.

Not sure about his mother, though.

I think she was alive when I dropped her off.

Dear, you can't make an omelette without scrambling somebody's eggs.

Do you mind?

Yeah, Tracey's a bit sensitive about eggs at the moment.

Oh, of course.

The bun in the oven.

I've been nice as learner for you two. You know, single parent benefit, family

allowance. You'll be quite rich.

But not quite as rich as me, of course.

What's happened?

These are the keys to my new lifestyle.

Oh, you've got yourself a chastity belt.

The furniture will be here on Friday.

Hello will be here on Saturday.

At last, my proper position in life has been restored.

Here.

Your suit, I mean.

Here, Cheryl.

That's us down there.

That's our washing.

I can see your smalls from here.

Yes, smalls from the moon.

You know what this means, Trice?

The old cast is still going to be looking down on us.

Enjoy 20 episodes of Wedded Bliss.

Wedded Bliss? On your bike.

Adam Woodyat hosts EastEnders Wedding Weekend today from 8am on UK Gold.