Original subtitles

I know you're in there. Come to Mummy.

Sharon, have food for sticking in the fridge, not your face.

I know that Beverly's a pain, but the customers are always right.

Right in line for a smack.

If you want a kidney -shaped pool, we'll do her a kidney -shaped pool.

I'd rather do her pool -shaped kidneys.

Oh, brilliant.

If you want her to sack us, that'll really get her where it hurts.

She's rude, Trace. And she keeps changing her mind. And her spaniel keeps

to have it off of my trainers.

And if you can just turn the other cheek... The one on your face, that is.

be 20 grand ahead.

Instead of eating economy fish fingers and dented tins of baked beans and

toffee nut cheesecakes.

I could have swore that packet said crisp bread.

I knew it was a mistake. I knew it would end in tears.

Your boob job gone south for the winter.

I just had Beverly on the phone.

You know?

The Beverly I put you in touch with out of the goodness of my heart.

The Beverly who has the IQ of a corn plaster and the manners of a... a very

corn plaster.

Well, you've hardly been civil to her.

I only told her to go jump in a lake so she could compare the water

temperatures. I went out on a limb for you. It's my reputation too, you know.

Yeah, I know about your reputation.

I've read the lab walls.

She is a nightmare, Dawn. She is a very dear friend. Oh, yeah.

I'm sure I wasn't at your barbecue last week. Because I wanted to stay a very

dear friend because Sharon could belch for England.

Well, try not to be rude to her, won't you, Michelle?

Hello?

Oh, hello, Daryl.

Oh, did you? Where was I at?

No, I'm standing up.

Go on, then. Now what you done?

Have you?

When?

Full night?

Blimey, that's only two weeks away.

Oh, Daryl, I hope no -one's listening.

Yeah, I'll get some whipped cream in special.

Catering size.

Yeah, I will.

I will tell her, like we agreed.

All right, then.

Love you too. Bye.

Someone trying to sell you double glazing.

Daryl's got his release date. In two weeks from now, my Daryl will be back

in Dullentrace where he belongs.

I think I've left an insurance policy on the stove. Sorry, milk on the stove.

I'd better check the policy.

Milk, stove.

Whipped cream, eh?

For trifle.

Daryl loves his sherry trifle.

Daryl's coming home.

Daryl's coming home, he's coming home, he's coming home, he's coming home. Yes,

it's slowly falling into place.

You know what I'd like to do for him?

Yeah, I just heard.

Apart from that.

Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree.

It's been three, seven long years. Do you still want me? All right, Trace, all

right. Look, look, after seven long years, he'll probably want to have it

with the old oak tree.

Anyway, we haven't got one.

Well, lampposting. Every lampposting chicken.

Oh, that's right. Why don't you tell all our snobby neighbours that your

husband, the crime watch, pin -ups back in turn.

Noreen's thrilled at the prospects. Stuff them.

Anyway, might not be your neighbours for much longer.

Why are they moving?

Do you want me to spell it out?

Better not, Trace. Those long words make your brain hurt.

Michelle, you knew it couldn't last forever. I mean, we agreed.

We never had it in writing.

We agreed the day you moved in.

No, you agreed.

I just agreed with you.

Well, you could try being pleased for me. I'm ecstatic, really.

And I promise I'll get out your way.

I knew you'd understand.

Video in me room.

Toasted sandwich, maybe.

You'll hardly know I'm here.

Even if Daryl does put up with you, you're forgetting one thing.

Cappuccino machines.

If he's coming out, Chris can't be far behind.

I'm three and three quarter pounds heavier than I was when Daryl was sent

Thatcher's gone.

We've got a channel tunnel and Cliff Richard's a sir.

Things change. Things can change back again, like my heiress.

Which you're currently talking out of.

Still, if you want to kill yourself, no skin off mine.

I'm sorry about earlier, Shell.

What I said about you slinging your rook, it was hurtful.

I know you didn't mean it. Oh, I meant it. I should have just said it myself.

Well, Wisteria's got green fly.

She's rambling, Trace. Get her a hot sweet, too.

Double brandy. Don't bother with the glass.

It's shock.

You mean shock, isn't it? Oh,

can I slap her, Trace? Oh, can I? Can I?

I know who needs slapping and is not a million miles away.

Marriage should be based on trust.

How can I trust Marcus if he behaves like that?

And I nearly broke a nail crawling up your drive.

The man's a sadist.

What happened, all?

Well,

you know he's got a new partner, Jonathan.

Excellent accountant.

Terrific business acumen.

Thighs you could crack walnuts with.

Well, Jonathan and I have become rather close.

Well, these things happen.

If I could bottle it, Sharon, you might have a life.

And...

And we were parked outside my house.

And one thing led to another.

And real leather upholstery feels so sensual against bare flesh.

And then Marcus drove up.

And how dare he?

Sheesh. Pardon, I would be thinking he lives here next.

Did he catch you at it? No.

Jonathan panicked, opened the door and leapt into the rhododendrons.

Then Marcus went indoors.

And you rushed right round here to show off your mucky mare.

No, we're not out of the car. I came for a tracksuit.

I say I was out jogging.

Not one of yours, Sharon.

One look at soiled pink velour and he'll know I'm lying.

So where's this Jonathan now, then? Well, we crawled up your drive and then

had a bit of an accident in some bushes.

Caught by the privets, eh?

So what are you going to do with him now, then?

Oh, I don't know how distracted Marcus and Jonathan can get his clothes.

Ooh, those thighs are to die for. No, I don't want to know. Not any more.

Now my Daryl's coming home, you can keep your sexual piccadillies to yourself.

Well, perhaps you should listen to me, Tracy.

Daryl's been away for seven years.

Are you ready for him?

Nearly. I'm just having my highlights done, Mandy, and my bikini line waxed

Tuesday. No, emotionally, I mean.

Things change.

My very words, Dore.

But Madam here wants to turn the clock back to the bimbo years, before she knew

how to change a plug, pay a bill, use a vibe... I'm not stupid, Sharon.

I know things will be different, but I want them to be the same first, until

Daryl can get used to them being different, and then they can be

Yeah, well, nothing's different for me, is it?

What have I got to show for the last seven years?

Couple of crap relationships and a bum -shaped dent in the sofa.

Time to move on, then.

Oh.

Are you moving, Sharon?

See? See?

D 'Or don't want me to go.

Or suppose I turn the garage into a granny flat and then just pop in on a

to do me laundry.

He's coming home. He's coming home. He's coming home.

Beverly's in half hour. See what she's changed her mind about today.

I hope the filter system don't clash with my mascara.

Just go on your own. I'm busy.

You're going to have sex with Daryl up there, then?

It's called clearing up. You'll find it in the dictionary, after clearing off.

Clearing off comes before family in your book.

You can needle me all you like, but it don't change the fact that this house is

called Dallentrace, not Shallentrace. And our business is called Pools Are Us.

Not Paul's or Sharon's because Tracy can't be bothered anymore.

Hello?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well?

No, pig's sick as it happens.

Well, who was it?

Chris, he's coming out and all.

In four weeks.

That's brilliant!

No, it's not.

It's just inevitable.

It's like the menopause.

It's coming, but it's hardly ground for a finger buffet.

Massive witty Thursday.

Oh, what's that?

It's a little puss pause.

Spin it.

Colossal merry Thursday.

What are you in for?

The television's bugged. Is it?

It is now.

Big comedy Thursday.

Unfortunately, owing to a heavy work schedule, my client Kylie Minogue is

to meet you and your friend Tony for a donut.

Tonight from nine.

If I don't make up my mind... Must

be tough, watching your wife do that with another man.

You going to sleep with him?

The Bill.

A resting drama.

Tonight at six. Only on UK Gold.

I can't wait.

It's a seashell design, and it looks ebitonized.

Seashells it is, then.

Yeah, but I'd hate her to think I was copying her, that I had no ideas of my

own. Oh, but you do, Beverly.

You have a new idea every day.

Yes, I do, don't I?

No, we'll stick with the mermaid motif.

It was mermaids, wasn't it?

Who knows?

Mind you, Mystic Meg said...

If you make an important decision today, you'll regret it for the rest of your

life.

Did she?

Yeah.

She must mean the tiles.

Mind you, I am thinking about having Bobo neutered.

And Keith wants to buy a villa in Lanzarote, but I prefer Menorca.

Tough call.

Tiles of starfish? Or seahorses? They're supposed to be lucky, aren't they?

No! Maybe Mystic Meg meant the new car.

I'm torn between a discovery and an espouse.

Keith said if I don't make up my mind soon, he'll murder me.

Join the queue, Keith.

So, we finally settled on seahorses with mermaids by the diving board.

Good.

It was either that or beat her to a pulp with a spade.

Good.

She wanted your opinion too, but I explained that you're a sleeping partner

you've suddenly fallen into a coma.

I've got more important things on my mind.

Cheryl, is this blouse too tight? Only it's one of Daryl's favourites.

A bit tighter on him.

I just want things to be nice for him.

Do you want things to be nice for Chris?

It's not my problem.

He served his time and so have I.

You loved him once.

I loved David Cassidy once.

I don't mean I can see us shacked up together.

What will he do?

Reform the Partridge family.

What will Chris do?

Sorry, Trace, but you're confusing me with someone that gives a toss.

Good time to start with a clean slate, then. Did you visit any estate agents

like you promised?

Funnily enough, no.

I got it into my silly little head that we had a swimming pool to build.

Nice flat in Honga. You should give them a ring before it's snapped up.

Oh, this is great, this is.

I got you through the bad times, the tears, the loneliness.

Showed you how to set the video.

And what do I get, eh?

Don't look back in hunger.

Look, we can do this amicably. It doesn't have to get nasty.

Oi, that's Daryl's ram and raisins!

OK, so you showed me how to set the video and I'll never record songs of

again by mistake.

But I showed you how to use my jacuzzi, my sunbed, my swimming pool.

Hardly a life sentence, was it?

Well, now you're being released back into the community and all. So have a

life.

Trace.

What?

It is too tight.

You don't forget, do you?

I mean, it's like riding a bike.

Well, I suppose you can feel a bit sore afterwards.

I'll know what to do.

It'll be fine.

Nothing to it.

Tracy, dear, I wonder if I'm the ideal person to confide in. You see, try as I

might, I just can't imagine going without sex.

Daryl will know what to do. He won't have forgotten, eh?

Sexual healing.

That's what you need.

It's virtually healed up.

Sexual healing on the stereo by Marvin Gaye. Never fails.

Although first time round it might be more like Can't Slow Down by Lionel

Richie.

You're most welcome to borrow some of my little toys, you know, if they might

help. Yes, Daryl's bound to feel right at home in a set of your handcuffs.

Cherry ripe or in the pink?

Better take both, eh? Will that be snogged all over him in the first 60

you're wearing? I thought he was going to dress up.

I'm not going to lose my temper.

Stress affects my complexion and I don't want to be all spotty for my Daryl. Oh,

but I can be evicted for him.

I won't discuss the matter anymore. You know my feelings. Que sera, sera.

Oh, so it was Doris Day who made me move to Soddingonga.

priced and smells of cabbage.

And the landlady's got a PhD from the Vinnie Jones Charm School.

But hey, it's one up from a park bench.

I don't suppose I'll be able to keep the business up from a grotty little

bedsit? Cherry ripe.

Daryl's favourite.

When you had your highlights touched up, they didn't slip in a quick lobotomy,

did they?

You can't get it, Michelle.

Do you know why?

Because in three hours...

22 minutes and 13 seconds.

Dirty

dancing.

Oh, it really is the end of an era, isn't it?

Fat lot, you care.

When Tracy chucked me out, you protested so loudly only dogs could hear.

Oh, I'm far too sensitive to get involved.

Besides, I'm not losing a villain's wife, I'm gaining a villain.

Property prices are doomed, whoever Tracy lives with.

I did make a difference, didn't I, doll?

I mean, I weren't just a lodger, was I? Oh, of course you did.

That Malibu stain on her shack pile would be a constant reminder.

Then why is she chucking me out like a... Like a pair of old trainers that

got all smelly and unpleasant to have around?

That's a Maritons course. You did stay beyond elevens, didn't you?

See, it's like parties, isn't it?

You what? Do you leave early?

Or do you outstay your welcome?

Make a spectacle of yourself to hi -ho silver lining, and then go off with a

loss adjuster called Brian who drives a yellow Sierra.

Talking hypothetically, of course.

Of course.

Oh, Gloria Gaynor.

I will survive.

We did have a laugh over the years, didn't we, doll?

Just go.

Walk out the door.

Just turn around now, cos you're not welcome any more.

My husband's due out today. Look, please tell me what's going on.

You are... Tracy Stubbs. Mrs Daryl Stubbs. My husband's Daryl Stubbs.

I hope you didn't have front -row seats for river dance.

What's happened?

A bit of a disagreement between your hubby and a fellow prisoner of the Greek

persuasion. while they were watching West Ham and Olympiacos in the Intertoto

replay.

Boisville goes flying.

Next thing you know, we're on a full -scale riot alert.

Where is he? How is he? Have you... You know.

He's still banged up.

Oh, yeah, right.

He couldn't bear to be parted from the little sparrows he'd so patiently tamed.

No, your scumbag of an husband started a fight over a football match, which

turned into a riot, and our releases have been cancelled.

No.

And, you know, it was Chris that threw the first punch, like some mindless

moronic moron.

Yeah, yeah, I see.

Supermarket fizz, but then you're hardly Jilly Goulden.

He's not here. He's still there.

And ask Sharon why.

Actually, I am not talking to Sharon ever again.

Not after the phone call I just had from Beverly.

Oh? She told me what happened yesterday.

It was an accident.

You know how dogs get under your feet?

Beverly is very upset.

Tough. And you are very fired.

She doesn't like your attitude.

And I don't like her dog.

I've seen toupees with more character.

I'm right, isn't I, Trace? That Beverly's a cow.

Oh, sod, Beverly.

If Daryl's release date is put back, it's all Chrissie's fault.

Yes, and if I don't get to meet Prince Charles, it's all your fault.

You've been sniffing your dry cleaning again.

Well, of course Beverly's a cow.

I've only known her for three weeks. I've worked that out.

I thought she was your dearest friend.

Well, she will be.

if she finally gets her swimming pool after all the other contractors have

walked out.

And she will be so grateful, she will invite me to her ski lodge at Cloisters.

Apparently, she's only one piece away from the Royals.

You mean, you dumped her on us so you could chat up Charlie?

He likes them old door, but he draws the line at crumblies.

attitude. I'm sorry.

Oh, apology accepted.

Now, don't stop you being a malicious spoilt little tart with a bog brush for

pet, does it?

You can't just stand there and abuse me.

Oh, thanks for offering. Don't mind if I do.

I've been making some phone calls.

What's that got to do with me?

Plenty. See, a little bird's told me that you've had more pool contractors

I've had at dinners.

I doubt it.

Waterside pools?

Oh, no, you can't, can you? Your name's doggy -do there.

Or dip and dive. Now, what was it they said?

Tell her she can shove her diving board right up her deep end.

Waterworks, Ocean's Eleven, Splasherama.

Need I go on?

You just can't get quality workmanship these days.

Or quality customers.

Let's face it, Bev.

Can I call you Bev?

You've been blacklisted by every pools company in Essex.

I even found a bloke as far away as Cambridge who wants your bobo barbecued.

Well, what's your point?

My point is, Bev, that we are the only game in town.

You've tried every other number in the book.

Dump us, and the only thing that hole would be good for is a family grave.

Now, give us the eight grand, and we'll get stuck into your seahorses.

Isn't he precious?

Don't lose your rag, you said.

Customer's always right, you said. We don't want to end up as star guests on

cock report, you said.

Well, I did lose me rag. What?

And now the quid's in, and I am a genius.

And you still owe me half the gas bill.

I thought we could do this amicably. Yes, well, that was before your husband

ruined my life.

Well, I'm going.

And I tell you what, for the first time, I'm pleased.

Because I thought we were mates as well as sisters.

But then I thought, I can't believe it's not butter was butter.

Hello? Oh, it's you.

Chris.

You prat. What are you?

You don't even like football.

Yeah.

just gets better and better.

I'd say, Brad Pitt rang now and begged me for a date. I'd say, sorry, Brad, I'm

soaking me smalls.

Sharon, what is it? Is that OK?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's fine, apart from the black eye.

But then, what can you expect if you start singing I'm Forever Blowing

in front of a 17 -stone homophobic bouncer called Spear Ross?

It won't, Chris.

No. What did he say?

That's it. He was just a prawn in the game.

An innocent bystander.

Just imagine.

Your precious Daryl starting a full -scale prison riot the day before he was

to be released.

I'll kill him. I'll bloody kill him. I have waited seven years and he blows it

over a poxy football match.

And you blamed poor Chris.

I know you're sorry, Trace.

You're just trying to find the most grovelling, fawning, shoe -licking way

saying it.

Go on.

In your own time.

I am sorry, Shell.

I don't think they heard you in Scotland.

I'm sorry, Shell. But you've got to understand, I ain't been meself. I've

all over the place because of Daryl coming home.

Yeah, well, good job I sorted out Beverly then. And now you have got some

time on your hands, you can go and see her tomorrow about her handrails.

She likes white, but then again gold's more classy.

But if you ask me, brass is more up her street.

If that Beverly's been whinging again, I'm going to give her concrete

slingbacks. I have to tell you, I have just had the most amazing afternoon like

you can't imagine.

It was like my worst nightmare, and then suddenly it turned into my best

fantasy. Just like that. I mean, don't you find that incredible?

I mean, put yourselves in my position.

Just imagine.

You are on the desk, leather -topped, I might add, with your new lover, who is

completely insatiable, at the office where he works with your husband.

Things are getting rather steamy.

We were just reaching a crescendo when suddenly Marcus's voice came booming

through Jonathan's speakerphone. Could you come right away?

Well, it was the first time I've ever obeyed him in my life.

Yes, Dawn, we get the picture.

I mean, Marcus hadn't had that effect on me since... Well, ever. I mean, it was

incredible.

I don't know how I'm going to top it.

And Marcus's mum under the bed?

She's in a rest home, but good idea.

You could always go there, I suppose.

I am sorry, Cheryl. I couldn't have managed without you.

Oh, you'd have survived.

You'd have taped a lot of songs of praise, though.

You know what I really fancy?

What?

A dirty great bowl of Daryl's rum and raisin.

With his favourite backscotch sauce, what you hide behind the cornflakes, so

won't find it.

I think there's a little bit there.

Of course you can. This is your own, too.

Really?

Really.

For now.