All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s06e08 Out

When I'm alone with lonely dreams of you

That won't come true What'll I

do?

I think it's disgusting the way they
treat prisoners in this country I've got

good mind to go up there and give that
governor a right mouthful. It's been out

of order.

Has something awful happened? Something
terrible, Dawn.

Chris has applied for a weekend home
visit.

12 years should mean 12 years.

Chris, next they'll be having drinks
cabinets and naked women tucking them

bed overnight.

Does this mean that Daryl will be coming
home too?

Yeah, it'll be a dream come true.

The smell of his cigar in the ass,
washing out his smalls, cooking his

Running and fetching that stick when he
throws it.

I'm just jealous.

You're pathetic, you are.

Yeah, well, I envy you both.

Women pay hundreds of pounds for sex
with an uncaged man.

I know.

I've got the check stuff to prove it.

Sex would be the first thing you'd think
of. Well, I'm sure it's across Daryl's

mind.

And Chris's.

So, when is the happy homecoming?

Well, we've got to put up with another
probation officer's visit first.

They have to do an accommodation report
on this place.

Fingers crossed we shouldn't have any
problems here.

Who knows?

You'd better not do nothing to muck up
this visit.

I mean it.

It's all right for you.

You don't have to put up with what I
have to put up with. I'll change the

record. You just don't understand.

I don't understand. I have had your
marital strife, a breakfast, dinner and

for the last five years.

Look, whatever you've got to look
forward to now is down to you. You

divorced him. Yes.

Why haven't you?

None of your business knows.

Because if the truth be known, there's
still a part of her that wants him.

can't it be amputated?

I married the man.

You're bound to wonder if there's
something left. Sharon, you have to move

life. If you have made a mistake, you
must recognise it. Use this visit to

out once and for all if there is
anything left.

Give Chris an even break, and if he's
still a worm, you can kick him into

with a clear conscience.

That's very astute reasoning, Tracy.

I mean, be nice to him for no reason.

I don't think I can. It's been so long.

There's no need to go mad.

Fibble would do.

How about if I'm nasty to him, but
promise not to swear?

It's a pretty routine. It's just to make
sure that the accommodation's up to

script.

Is this all part of the same house?

You haven't wandered into next door?

No, you'd know if we had. There'd be a
naked man somewhere in the room.

And they say crime doesn't pay. I'd kill
for a kitchen like this.

You don't have to go that far, Judith.

Just rob a couple of banks.

Would you like some tea?

Oh, great.

I just need to use your loo.

In the hall. First on the right. Thanks.

I wonder about trying to sabotage this.

Well, who does the resentful bitch think
she is?

Who says crime doesn't pay?

I don't care what she thinks.

I just don't want anything to go wrong.
Stop trying to get her back up.

Look, there's no way she can give us a
bad report.

She's already wetting her knickers about
this place.

We ain't shown her the East Wing yet.

Just stop calling her Judith, will you?

distance. Amazing.

Your toilet's bigger than my living
room.

Milk and sugar, Miss Crowther? Just
milk.

And it's Judith.

Well, actually, there is something you
should know about the house. I want to

get it all out now.

Trace, I told you, you don't have to
mention that.

Shut up. I want it all out in the open.

It's been over a year since our swimming
pool's been chlorinated.

Now you're just taking a piss.

She don't mean to. It's just she's
getting herself in a state over this

accommodation report.

Tracy, you've got nothing to worry
about. You've got a house with its own

You've got more amenities than the
borough I live in.

Sorry. You can use my swimming pool
whenever you like.

Really? That's very nice of you.

Mind you stay in the shallow end.

That's a bit crime didn't pay for.

Sharon, there's something in your
husband's application that doesn't quite

up. He talks about you and him, and he
calls you warm and giving.

I'm not getting that.

What have he said, exactly?

Oh, warm and giving, blah, blah, blah.
Ah, and then he says...

Your love is deeper than the deepest
ocean, higher than the highest star,

than the widest wide thing.

I assume he couldn't think of anything
wide.

He then goes on to make some comments
about his loins, which I'd really rather

not read out.

Not true?

Trice, look, to be truthful, things
ain't that good between us.

Well, they're bloody awful, if I'm
honest.

That's why I want him to come home.

See if they'll be any better when he
gets out.

Sure. This won't affect their chances,
will it? No.

Sorry, what do you mean, their chances?

Chris, am I Daryl?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just here to do a
report on Chris Theodopolopoulos.

Daryl's application's been withdrawn.

But why, Daryl?

What's wrong? Don't you want to come
home?

Of course I do.

But he's one of the screws. He's got it
in for me in a minute.

He says if I apply for leave, he'll put
a hard word on me and get it knocked

back. All I can do is bide my time and
try again in a couple of months.

Well, can't you just tell someone he's
picking on you?

He's not in the playground, Trace. He
ain't going to be impressed with a note

from his mum.

It's just so unfair that you can't come
over that slimy little maggot, Chris

Cairns. John, that's my slimy little
maggot you're talking about.

I know exactly how you feel, darling.

I feel the same.

In fact, there's nothing in the world
that could make me feel worse than I do

right now.

Oh, I'm on my way to Chigwell. I'm on my
way to Chigwell.

Shut it.

Listen, babe, I'm going to go.

It's a bit difficult to talk right now.

Look, try not to get too upset.

I'll phone you later.

Now, you look after yourself.

I'll see you soon, eh?

Birds, eh?

Hey, I'll give a cuddle for you when I
get there.

You dare!

I can't breathe now.

You just remember to behave yourself
when you're in my home. Look, I'll be as

good as gold, I promise.

I have to be.

I want to make things right between me
and Sharon. You know, I held my parole.

Listen, don't worry, right? Because I
won't tell Tracy it was your own fault

got your home leave not back.

It wasn't my fault. It was your fault.
Oh, I suppose I asked you to beat me up

then. Everything you do makes someone
want to give you a right hand up. Get

of it. I'm a popular bloke. Popular?

The governor apologised for having to
punish me. He said by rights.

Sorting you out to qualify me for two
weeks in Bermuda.

Oh, thanks.

Really hit the spot, that.

Do you want afters?

Please.

A tin of pears in the cupboard.

Great.

It's really something, being out, you
know.

Having a chance to spend some time with
my wife.

Relaxing in palatial surroundings.

Luxuriating on an expensive sofa.

Hey, watching a telly after nine o
'clock.

I'm that excited, I can't think what to
do next.

Try shutting up.

He's up, Trace.

Oh, don't worry.

There's no need to fret about Daryl.

Leave it, Chris.

No, no, they've got a lot on.

He won't have time to think about not
being out.

They've got a ping -pong tournament.

And then on Sunday, they're having a
film show, Home Alone.

I'm surprised there's room in your mouth
for that steak and your foot.

Cheer up, Trace.

You can't mope all weekend. I don't
intend to. I'm going round Dorians

We're going to open a bottle of wine. Or
five.

Well, that sounds good. I'll have some
of that.

How can you? What about him?

Oh, yeah.

Just being civil larks, hard work, isn't
it?

I was hoping we might spend a bit of
time together tonight.

Any ideas?

Oh, no.

Nothing like that.

Well, I realise it'll be a long time
before we, you know, share a bed.

Good. Because right now it's hard enough
work sharing the same air.

I just want to rest. I've had a hard day
at work.

Oh, no.

Why don't you go and have a bath?

Why don't you go and get a personality?

Oh, no, sweetheart.

Oh, I'm not implying you smell or
anything.

I just want you to go and have a nice
folk to help you unwind.

I'll do the washing up.

I'm not sure I like you being this
considerate. It unnerves me.

Still, I might go and have half an hour
in the jacuzzi. Oh, if you need someone

to scrub your back... You'll hear me
calling.

For someone else!

Easy, darling.

Quick, do this.

What's happened?

Oh, me back.

Put me foot down a rabbit hole, twisted
me ankle.

Did you carry her all the way from the
forest?

No, just from the front door.

I'd like to give us a lift.

You should put your feet up. Oh, yeah,
cheers.

Not you, me.

Pack it in, I ain't that heavy.

Do you want the support bandage? Stop
fussing over me, Chris. There's one

upstairs in the medicine cabinet. I'll
get it.

You're right.

Great, fancy drink.

Oh, you can't go.

I didn't say that.

He offered to carry me and I thought,
why not?

Been on my back for years.

What was he like when you was out with
him?

On his best behaviour.

Trying to convince me that he's changed.

We stopped at one of those ice cream
kiosks. You know, all little tables and

chairs outside.

My seat was wet so he dried it with his
jacket.

I thought it was very brave of him
considering it ain't rained in over a

I had to keep checking that he still had
that gar I give him over his eye.

Otherwise I thought I was out for a
different bloke.

Do you think prison could have turned
him into a human being then?

Well, it's got him away from his family.

Given him a chance to mix with the
better class of person.

You know, Trace, he's showed me
something in those woods he's never

before.

Do I want to hear this?

He showed me we can have an intelligent
conversation.

Chris? It's hard to believe I know.

But he's been doing nature study while
he's been inside.

He knew all the different names of the
plants and the animals.

Do you know the difference between an
oak and a larch?

Of course I do.

One's a bird and the other one's a tree.

You know the other night when you were
saying about not being stupid?

Oh. I see your foot's got better.

Yeah, it just sort of loosened up, you
know.

Wine always has that effect on us.

Is it all right if I use the jacuzzi?
You know, freshen myself up with it for

tonight. Morning.

Ah, terrific.

I've always fancied a guy in one of them
things.

What's the etiquette?

Do I keep my pants on?

Yeah, it was all right last night.

David, since I've been wined and dined.

Nicked and fined frequently.

Where did he take you?

Linguinees.

That classy place next to Wanstead
Station.

Wanstead.

Classy.

I think not.

It's got the sign in the window.

Much as you can eat for ten quid. Oh,
that classy place.

Look at that weather.

Been ages since we sat and talked.

You know, really talked.

About why things went wrong between us.

He said it was all his fault.

And I agreed.

Are you beginning to believe that he has
really changed?

Well, half of me says no.

And so does the other half.

I just want to be 100 % sure, you know.

Trace, you ain't visiting Daryl in this
weather. It's treacherous.

It's only a bit of rain. I'm not made of
sugar.

A bit of rain?

There are flood warnings all over the
radio.

Especially where you're going.

Half that area's under sea level.

Land below sea.

Look, I might have got confused between
a lark and a larch, but I'm not that

gullible.

Besides, nothing will stop me visiting
Daryl this weekend. He'll be broken up

knowing he's stuck in there and Chris is
out here in his home using his jacuzzi

again.

You can't... blaming for enjoying a good
soak.

I mean, a shower is hardly the place
where you linger in prison.

I'm going.

Will you drive careful?

No. I'm going to do 100 miles an hour
all the way there down the old shoulder.

Stop treating me like I'm stupid.

She's got a thing about people thinking
she's stupid.

Started at school.

What happened?

She was stupid.

Well,

Scintillating though this conversation
is, I'd better get home.

Marcus has knocked you back from
Frankfurt till tonight, so Paul's coming

I met him at the bridge club and he's
wonderful.

Just the man you want, I'll fit you in a
rubber.

Stop, stop.

There is one way I can find out if Chris
is trying to con me.

Really? Well, no matter how good he's
at, the promise of a bit on the side

flush out the old him.

All I... need to do is find some woman
who'll give him the come on.

Who'll never fuss it to set up. That boy
thinks with his loins.

I ain't that bright.

Good idea.

So you'll help me then?

Me?

No, there are women you can hire for
that sort of thing.

Yes? Yes. They're called prostitutes.

Exaggerate, door.

I don't need to actually sleep with him.
Just watch.

myself in front of that tacky little
husband of yours. Well, I am sorry,

but I have my standards.

All right. They might not be up there
with the Archbishop of Canterbury, but

they are standards nonetheless.

And number one is, the men I go with, I
go with out of choice.

And I thought we were friends.

Do I worry about my standards when
Marcus comes knocking here asking where

are? Do I get up on my morals and say, I
cannot tell a lie.

She's at a nearby hotel getting a good
rogering.

Oh, no, I lie through my teeth.

Yes, well, I am sorry, Sharon, but I see
a world of difference between you

telling a few lies and me acting as live
bait.

Yes. Well, you would, wouldn't you?

Friendships are one way street to you,
isn't it, Dor? Oh, please.

Don't, don't.

Oh, please me.

This is my life we're talking about.

Yes, well, I have already told you I'm
expecting Paul.

Take a couple of minutes.

I'll go to the cafe in an hour or two.
All you've got to do is come round here

and make yourself available.

I guarantee he'll do the rest.

If it's female and got her pulses in
there.

Thanks, Dor.

No need to thank me, Sharon. I am not
doing it.

I hope Paul's rubber bursts.

What man could possibly resist you?

Paul, you're a lucky boy.

Hi, darling.

What do you want?

Well, our phone's on a blink and I need
to ring a cab.

It's all right if I borrow yours.

Did Sharon send you round here?

No, no, she's down at Keff. I'm going to
see the family.

OK, but we'll be quick.

Oh, cheers.

Everything OK?

Yeah.

No?

Hello? Can I have a cab, please?

19 Brian Close, going to Arringay.

Oh, you've got one around the corner.

Lovely.

Ah!

What's up? I think there's something in
my eye. Could you look?

Can you see anything?

No, no.

Your eyes are watering a lot, though.

I think it's your breath.

Oh, yes.

Linguini special bolognese with double
garlic.

Hey, tell your friends.

Oh, there's my cab. Got to run.

Yes.

How about the next time I'm out, we go
down for a meal down there?

Ah, you and me together, eh?

Now, now, I'm a reformed man.

So it would seem.

Nah, be blinding. Me and Sharon, you and
Mark, whoever.

Yeah, every party of four gets a free
music box shaped like the Vatican.

It plays Volare.

Volare.

Whoa! Get down!

As good as in my diary.

Tracy, what happened to you?

I had a flat.

What are you looking at?

Tracy, you shouldn't have come in this
weather.

Yes, I should.

They might be able to stop you coming to
me, but nothing's going to stop me

coming to you.

Tracy, you make me feel terrible.

Why? The weather's not your fault.

If there was this sort in here, I'd
probably try and blame it on you if they

could.

Which screw's got it in for you, is it
here?

No, Tracy, look, calm down, will you?

I can't. I'm going to go through with
the prisoners' wives, make an official

complaint. No, Tracy.

But it's so unfair.

Kicking up a fuss will just make things
worse.

You know, I think it's really great the
way you've taken this on the chin.

A few years ago, you would have gone
mad. Probably beat up some poor little

As if.

I'm really proud of you. The whole
system is conspiring against you, but

not bitter. You're big enough to rise
above it.

Talk about heroes.

You're my hero.

Oh, turn it in, Trace. You're tearing me
up.

You're making me out to be some sort of
saint.

I'm not.

I lied.

It was my own fault I didn't get home
leave.

I lost my head over something and give
Chris a good hiding.

Look, you've got to remember, it's like
a pressure cooker in here.

Temp and flare are the littlest things.

They get blown out of all proportion.

I spent half a day making a lasagna.

I asked Chris to keep an eye on it. He
let it burn.

What?

You ruined the chance of spending a
weekend at home with me over some ponced

shepherd's pie.

I know it sounds stupid when you say it
quick.

Oh!

You been waiting long?

Oh, not long.

Tracy's visiting Daryl. I think Chris is
visiting his herd.

Sorry, family.

I've just come round to see how your
home visit's going.

Really?

You've come all this way in this
terrible weather just to do that?

All part of the service.

Oh, look!

You just happen to have your swimming
cosy in your towel.

Now you'll be able to use that pool
while you're here.

Yeah, OK, you got me.

Tracy did say I could pop round any
time.

I tried to phone first, but there's a
fault on your line.

Is there?

So how is your husband's visit going?

Not bad.

Any chance of a jacuzzi while I'm here?

Of course.

Anything else?

Cup of coffee?

Four -course meal? It's inconvenient.

Tracy said, and it's her house.

I'll just have to check the jacuzzi.

My husband's very hairy, you see.

Those bends don't take long to clog up.

I would say help yourself to a drink.

I think you probably will anyway.

Oh, hello.

Oh, hi.

You must be Chris.

I'm Judith.

Oh, that was my mother's name.

No, I've just come round to use your
jacuzzi. Well, Tracy's jacuzzi. Oh, I

thinking of jumping in there myself.

Oh, sorry.

No need to be.

We could always share.

I don't think Sharon would like that.

I wasn't planning on telling her, babe.

So you dropped the little act, eh?

Shouldn't be surprised.

You never could keep anything up for
long.

Well, I was just having a laugh with,
er... You can't have forgotten her name.

It's the same as your mum's, remember?

Sharon, you're getting the wrong end of
the stick. I was just having a bit of a

grin. Well, grin at this.

Judith here is the probation officer.

Eh?

Yes. The woman that's going to be doing
your report on your behaviour out of

prison.

And you try to jump her.

You bring a whole new dimension to the
meaning of the word loser, don't you?

I wouldn't have meant nothing, Shell.

I mean, you're the one I love.

Look... A bit of over -the -side sex has
got nothing to do with a bloke's

marriage. Why can't you women understand
that?

I wonder if you'd excuse us, please,
Judith.

I'd like to throw some crockery at my
husband.

Come on, Shell.

Leave it out, Shell.

You two -timing... Sharon!

Deceitful! Lying!

Really horrible!

I'm in a dip.

He'll get no argument from me there,
Trace.

If he had a chance to come home, I would
have thought he would have done

anything.

Getting into a fight over lasagna.

They've started wars for this.

Do you know why World War I started?

No.

No, neither do I, but I mean... It can't
have been for much, can it?

I ain't being lied to.

Bear only does it because he's like
everyone else, thinks I'm stupid.

I must be stupid.

I believed he earned his money putting
up conservatories when he was a bank

robber.

That's the point.

How do I know he's telling the truth now
when he says he was robbing banks?

He could have been up to no good for all
I know.

Another one?

I'm upset.

Not as much as me.

And why are we eating off a paper plate?

Chris is still picking our crockery out
of his hair.

Well, I hope you give him a dinner plate
for me.

I've done your prayer, Tracy.

Date plate right at the side of the
head.

Oh, did he scream.

Nice to know I've still got all the old
moves.

I fancy doing something to hurt Daryl.

Oh, you ain't going to start unpicking
that card that you've been knitting him,

are you?

I've gone drunk on chaps and blokes.

I hate having a drink with you when
you're like this.

You start off all belligerent, have two
wines, spend the rest of the night

crying. No, I don't. Look, you're a free
woman now. You can do as you want.

You are going to divorce him, aren't
you?

I don't believe you.

It's funny, but when he was being nice,
he was boring.

No one trying to get his probation
officer into the jacuzzi turns him into

Cruise, does it?

No.

Oh, I can't explain.

It's like I've always said.

The bigger the bastard, the more you
like him.

Well, I think you're mad.

That's the saddest thing about it,
Trace.

I think I'm mad and all.

Just on my way to pick up Marcus from
the airport, but I had to call in and

you the good news. It is true, Sharon.

Your husband is a completely reformed
character.

I know I said I wouldn't test him, but
while you were out, he called round and

inadvertently caught me in my number one
negligee. And there was not a flicker.

He was totally uninterested.

That door... Trace.

Door, are you sure it weren't just you?

What do you mean?

Well, that he's still the old Chris, but
he just didn't fancy you.

Don't be ridiculous.

Yeah. Yeah, of course. I mean, if that
was the case, we'd have caught him

to chuck out the probation officer or
something.

Yeah.

Yeah, now, a woman would have to have a
face like a bag of hammers not to be

fancied by my husband.

Exactly. The day I couldn't tempt the
old Chris, even dressed in a potato

I would trade in my Anne Somers
underwear for incontinence pads.

Anyway, must fly. Ciao.

You're wicked, you are.

Well, I did rather nose in it, did I?

Mind you, the next fat joke, she won't
know what's itter.

What will I do when you...

Next on BBC One, the Longmans' lives are
turned upside down in C4.