All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s05e12 All Gone Pear Shaped.eng

What'll I do?

My knickers in the tumble dry. I'd
rather have to make do with them dodgy

with the loose elastic.

Juice?

Terrific colour, juice.

Here you go, Tracey. It'll do you for
flashing.

Morning. Morning.

Call me an old perv, but there's
something about a bloke in a pink fluffy

dressing gown that gets me going.

Yeah, well, it's certainly got your
sister going and all.

I'd better get dressed.

And to think I used to make do with
Simon Mayo and a bowl of Frosties of a

morning.

I wish you'd tell me when he's staying
the night.

You know I don't always shut the lavvy
door.

It's awful, Trace.

And since you've done me bedroom up, it
seems a shame to keep that Artex ceiling

all to myself.

Colin must have come round very early
this morning.

No, he didn't.

That is his car in the drive, isn't it?

He's stayed the night, you nosy cow.

A whole new concept for you, Dawn.

Out of all your fellas, it's only poor
old Marcus you wake up next to.

Not necessarily. Sometimes he sleeps in
the spare room.

Because of your insatiable demands?

Because my night cream gives him hives.

Look at her, Trace.

She's gutted I found myself a great
bloke. You're pig -sick, aren't you,

I'm surprised.

With your track record, I thought you'd
settle down with a flatulent bookmaker.

Colin's good -looking, smart, honest.

Mine.

Oh, what a waste.

Great little bum and all.

Go in. Don't treat me like a sex object.

Oh, go on. My treat.

Anyway, I was just wondering if you
could pop next door sometime, give my

security system the once -over.

Bore the leg over.

I'd better be off.

Are we still on for tonight?

Maybe we could go out for a meal with
your mate, like I keep promising.

That off -licence job is hotting up. I
reckon the governor will want me to work

late.

Unless, of course, it goes pear -shaped.

Things are always going pear -shaped in
the bill.

It looks like I'm going to be couch
potato -shaped tonight.

Anyone would think he didn't want me to
meet his mates.

He's obviously seen the way you put away
a deep pan pizza.

Well, you could always come to Highdown
with me and visit your Chris for a

change.

Chris.

Chris.

No, I can't place him, Trace.

Have you told him about Colin?

Have you told Marcus about Luke and
Jason and Pepe? And Nigel and Tom and

Bernie? And the Grindthorpe Colliery
Band?

Only the horn section.

Of course not.

Why make him feel more inadequate?

I wish you'd tell Chris about Colin.

He'd feel much better if he came clean.

How much better can I feel?

I'm ecstatic now.

Yeah, but you know what I'm like at
keeping a secret.

Every time Daryl asks me what you're
doing, I have to lie.

Last time I told him you're taking up
snooker.

Right on cue, eh?

Yeah, am I any good at it?

It ain't funny, but you might not mind
lying to Chris, but me and Daryl have

always had a very honest relationship.

Oh, right.

So you thought he went to work for
stocking on his head to keep the flies

eh?

I'm sorry.

I hope my ribs ain't crushing your
elbows.

No, you're right.

Glass of your mint.

Oh, what's that?

Cheers. I was after mint Imperials.

My car likes sucking you outside,
though.

I mean, you can't really do that for
Glastie and Mint, can you?

Don't worry.

Glastie and Mint's are more highly
prized than Snout in there. They'll be

laughing. Really?

Just winding you up.

Yeah.

There's a black market in jelly tops,
though.

Is this your first time?

Well, I saw them in the detention centre
once, taking and driving away.

Or it might have been breaking into gas
meters.

So it's not exactly squeaky clean, then.

Well, Carl's lawyer reckons he's the
forgotten victim of a cruel, uncaring

society. Really?

My Chris is just a thieving tow rag.

So that's Hayley, is it?

Well, if she's like Madonna, I'm Michael
Jackson.

No, you ain't. Your skin's too dark.

So what's that car win for, then? Credit
card fraud.

The pronker got nicked when he signed
one of them slips with his own name.

Kids today, eh?

Got no idea.

Oh, lovely.

So what you been up to?

Coffee all right?

Yeah, did Sharon ever get that game of
snooker with Stephen Hendry?

OK. So is my uncle, you know. It was
nice of him to come and everything.

But he talked the whole time about his
irritating bowel.

Then there was this prison visitor
called Dorothy.

I want it to bring Christ into my life.

She'd have a job bringing deodorant into
your life.

Oh, where you been, Shell?

I know you only come here to insult me.

I don't just insult you here, Chris.

I've missed you.

I've been busy.

Getting on with my life.

What, a calf, you mean?

Yeah. Yeah, the calf and all.

You met someone else, didn't you?

What makes you say that?

Well, I suppose it had to happen.

I mean, I know you know Cindy Crawford,
but some bloke was bound to go for your

sort eventually.

You did?

Yeah.

I remember the night we met, I couldn't
keep my hands off you.

Yeah, and the next morning all my
luncheon virtues were missing.

Is there someone else, Shell?

Yeah.

His name's Colin and he's, er, he's in
computers.

Like his floppy disc, did you?

I bloody knew it. When you stopped
coming, I knew there had to be someone

Well, you needn't bother coming again.

Flag.

Did you tell him about Colin?

No, Trace.

I told him Peter Pan was dead.

Who's Colin?

This bloke Sharon's been seeing. He's a
copper and she wasn't going to tell

Chris. And there she is. And I lied
about the snooker.

My sister -in -law's strumping some
scumbag in her filth. Do you mean she's

actually... I can't believe it.

Does this mean she can't get me Stephen
Hendry's autograph?

Honestly, Sharon won't mind. Oh, she
shall.

Mind what?

Us giving Hayley this... to London.

She's lost her train ticket.

I'm always losing stuff.

Do you know what my car says? It said
I'd lose life if it weren't for Grosan.

Proper little Clive Anderson, isn't he?

No Nisby's?

Carl Nisby.

I thought he took it quite well, all
things considered.

He called me a slag tray.

That's hardly giving me his blessings
and a set of non -stick saucepans, is

Well, it could have been worse. What
with Colin's line of work and

I thought you had some same as Chris.

I didn't tell him Colin was a copper.

Well, it may be over between us, but I
don't want the poor bastard to use his

sheet as a necktie.

Colin.

Chris is my husband and he's a villain.

Colin. is my boyfriend and he's a
copper.

You are a passenger and it's 50 miles to
London.

Now suck on a glass, you mean. All
right.

Sorry, Tracy, could you run that by me
again? I was busy with Kevin Costner. I

wish.

Promise me, Dore, that you won't tell
Sharon that I told Daryl that Colin's a

copper. Because if Sharon finds out that
Chris has found out, because Daryl told

Chris, not that he has, but if he did,
she'll never forgive me, OK?

Oh, with a body like that, you can
forgive him the crew cut.

Yes, Tracy, I got that.

Like I was saying, Dore, she can't have
been much older than Garfield, you poor

cow. Hayley!

Silly little tart.

She only wanted to play I Spy with my
little eye all the way home.

And she thought S .O. began with an S.

Love has obviously brought out the
tolerance and compassion in you.

Take it from me, Trace, she's a loser.

Just like her, Carl. Just like my Chris.
Oh, but he's not your Chris anymore.

Tracy tells me you've told him about
Colin.

But not that he was a copper.

I never told you she told him that, did
I, Dawn?

Oh, Chris.

I suppose he never expected you to meet
someone else.

Have you ever had a teapot surgically
removed from your throat?

You see, I have told enough men goodbye
to understand the suffering he must be

going through. Yeah. Well, this is after
11 years of marriage.

Not a quick tumble in the back of your
motor.

What about the cafe?

Will you still be partners?

Can we expect a tug -of -love battle for
custody of the tea urn?

I never realised that being happy could
give me so much grief.

This ain't home and away, you know,
Dorian.

This is my life.

And in that time, you've got one of your
own.

How's it going, mate?

Oh, me?

Terrific. Couldn't be better.

Me and the lads were, you know, talking
and... I just wanted you to know... How

pleased you are it was me that got the
Dear John treatment and not you?

Of course not.

Well, Mickey might have said something
along them lines, but, you know, Mickey,

why talk out of your mouth when your bum
could host a chat show?

You know, out of the two of us, I always
thought you'd be the one seeing your

marriage go banakazi.

Oh, charming. Thanks a lot, mate. I
mean, who is this Colin, anyway?

I mean, who fancy a bloke with a poncy
name like that?

You're the one who landed it with
Theodora Lovatis.

Hey, I bet he wears an anorak and lives
with his mum and never misses

neighbours.

You never miss neighbours, Chris.

Only cos I like to bonk them two twins.

And what does she see in a bloke that
works in computers?

Tracey said he was a... Who said he
worked in computers?

Well, Sharon, of course.

I mean, big deal.

I could be in computers too.

Someone show me how they work.

Well, she ain't telling you the truth
about this, Colin.

Oh, she's definitely got another blow.

The way she avoided my eyes.

The way she behaved.

The love bite the size of Manchester on
the side of her neck.

She ain't lying.

Why do you ask?

Forget it.

Here it is.

28th birthday present from Daryl. Is it
a what's -it? A herpes?

Hermes! Now it's a fruit tree.

You used to get me some lovely presents.

Chris gave me a souvenir of Frinton
headscarf.

He found it on a tube.

Right. You have precisely 33 minutes to
put on some smart clothes and a bit of

make -up.

What's this?

Chopped liver?

Sorry, Sharon, didn't realise you'd been
trawling Oxfam today.

Come on, Tracy.

Well, I ain't going nowhere special.

Yes, you are.

You both are.

An old friend of mine, Pierre, has just
opened a new restaurant in Epping. I've

been invited, plus a couple of friends,
for a free meal tonight.

Well, I've never known you two turn down
a free meal.

What do you say?

Take Marcus.

You know, that bloke standing next to
you in your wedding photos.

He's at a conference in Jersey.

Or was it Cardigan?

I wasn't listening.

Oh, come on.

Look, the table's booked for eight, and
Sharon, promise me you will not tuck the

tablecloth in under your chin.

I won't even drink out the finger bowl
door.

Some other time, eh? I'm finally meeting
Colin's mates tonight.

Oh. Well, you'll come, won't you, Tracy?

Pierre's hired some stunning waiters.
You know the thought. They undress you

with their eyes as they grind your
pepper.

Sorry, Dawn, going to the pictures with
Hayley tonight.

Oh, of course.

I mean, why enjoy a gourmet meal with me
when you could be chomping buttockies

with that intellectually challenged
gonk?

Still, as long as you're not taking it
personally, I do.

No. No, of course not. There are dozens
of men who'd be only too thrilled to

suck raspberry coulis off my fingers.

Well, Roger, for instance.

Yes, I met him this afternoon at the
tennis club and he's dying to show me

strokes.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

There you go.

Get your laughing tackle round there. A
nice one.

Hey, to us and a great result yesterday.

To us.

What great result?

Didn't Paul tell you?

We banged up this piece of scum we've
been doing over building societies.

If it wasn't for our man at a match
here, the whole thing might have gone

-shaped.

Mind you, what about Harry?

Yeah, terrible.

Here's to old Harry.

Poor old Harry.

What about poor old Harry?

Knifed in the chest by a crackhead.

Oh, my God.

Have you ever been stabbed, Carl?

Has he ever been stabbed?

There was a time we used to call him the
pincushion kid.

I thought his appendix scar was in a
strange place.

You see, Sharon, it's the likes of us
who have to keep the streets safe, and

likes of you.

You and Batman.

Sounds too good for some of them evil
bastards we have to deal with.

Yeah. Tell that to the Tottenham Three,
and the Guildford Four, and the

Birmingham Six.

To poor old Harry.

No, Roger, I quite understand.

I couldn't possibly tear you away from
the bedside of your sick grandmother.

Is that her in the background singing Do
You Think I'm Sexy?

Yes. Some other time, Roger.

Goodbye.

I am a vibrant, sensual woman.

Poor fool, he doesn't know what he's
missing.

Home alone.

It was a joke.

And what's your encore? Heard the one
about the serial killer and the

Look, I'm sorry, Cole, but you've got to
admit it was the only time they

actually noticed me.

Cobblers, you were determined not to
like them. Too bloody right.

Eric actually thinks all shoplifters
should be electrocuted.

Eric's a nice bloke once you get to know
him. Oh, sure.

And Hannibal Lecter's a vegetarian.

Look, you've got to be tough to do what
we do, Sharon. I'm Colin the Cop and not

Postman Pat.

I know.

When we're at the pictures or in a
restaurant together or under my duvet, I

forget what you are, what I am.

And then it hits me smack in the face,
just like tonight.

Well, you know what we ought to do,
then?

What?

Get back under the duvet.

Nice evening.

Great. If you like going for a drink
with a load of brainwashed plods.

Colin's not a brainwashed plod. Not yet.

But it's like the Stepford Wives, isn't
it?

They'll plug him into some machine and
he'll come out with this glazed look in

his eyes saying, it's all gone pear
-shaped, guv.

We got them banged to rights, guv.

Hello, hello, hello.

Not dressed yet, I see.

Did you go to the restaurant with Roger?

Is that raspberry watsit off your
fingers?

And the rest.

Well, actually, that's why I came round.

Roger was so intense and demanding that
we never quite made it to the

restaurant. Another knot on your red
ball, you mucky trollop.

So, I thought maybe we could go there
for Sunday lunch.

What do you say?

Oh, I'd love to, dear. Only I'm taking
Hayley's tea with the prisoner's wife.

Poor Claire's in a right state at the
moment.

And I suppose you're on patrol with
Dixon of Doc Green.

We're going for a drive this afternoon.

Oh, how nice for you.

We'll be visiting DIY centres together
soon.

This is the life, eh?

Lovely day.

Smashing fella.

And... And?

And I've finally found a washing -up
liquid that...

Going to beat the grease and get kind to
my hands.

What more could you ask for, eh?

It could always be like this.

Oh, yes.

We could chuck Chris and your job and
everything down the car and flush them

away. But we don't have to.

Because when we're together, we can
forget about all that because it doesn't

matter.

I can forget about Chris.

I've had years of practice.

But can you forget about being a copper?

Me a copper?

I don't know what you're talking about.
I mean, computers, aren't they?

What are you thinking about?

Go on.

A penny for them.

A fiver if they're really rude.

Cole.

Bloop you, Reg, and this there.

Just like the one in those off -licence
jobs.

I'd better call a gardener.

Why? You're in computers.

You never know.

Look, them Japanese car makers ain't
stupid, Cole.

I wouldn't be surprised if they hadn't
turned out, ooh, thousands of blue e

motors. All right, I get the message.
Sorry, PC plot strikes again.

How can we forget you're a copper? If
you're always on duty.

If you're always assuming that
everybody's up to no good.

Trust me, Cole.

The world ain't full of stolen motors
and...

Tooled -up crackheads and villains
holding up off -life.

You can relax.

It's gone now.

I thought I was a slag and you never
wanted to see me again.

You are.

I don't.

So why's your phone?

I want to see you again.

To ask you something.

Well, I hope it's not who's better in
bed, Chris.

Because, believe me, you won't like the
answer.

It ain't that.

I mean, let's face it. The only time the
earth ever moved was when they

demolished that tower block down the
road. Will you shut up and listen for a

minute? I need to come, you know.

I could have stayed at the cab and
scrubbed out the chip fryer. Or seen

the copper.

Why didn't you tell me, Sharon?

I didn't think it was important.

Not important?

Oh, Struth.

Dear John turns into Dear Bill and you
think it's not important?

I had to find out from that spot in the
light, you know, the one with the glass,

you monster.

Does everyone know but me, Shell?

We ain't told Nigel Dempster yet.

My credibility and my mates will go
right out the window.

You haven't got any?

What, credibility?

Mates.

Listen, Chris, how do you think I felt
when you was dipping your wick all over

Edmonton, eh?

my credibility then?

Yeah, I never did it with a policeman,
though, did I? You might have got a

lighter sense if you had. Look, all I'm
saying... Look, all

I'm saying is that if you dump me for a
copper, I'll never be able to show my

face in North London again.

I might as well... Oh, leave it, Tat.

You'd have a panic attack if you do up
the top button on your shirt.

Look, just because he's a copper... It
ain't just that, Cheryl. Of course it

be happy for me.

But I found myself a kind, thoughtful,
decent bloke.

No.

I don't want a kind, thoughtful, decent
bloke to have you.

I want a stupid, crappy, useless bloke
to have you.

Me.

Eric and Paul are having a party on
Saturday.

But I said we were busy.

Worried I'd turn up in my free Winston
Silcott T -shirt, were you?

Of course not.

Mind you, it did cross my mind.

Don't you want to go?

No, not if you don't.

We could go away for the weekend.

Find a nice cosy hotel.

Superglue do not disturb on a door knob.

But it'd still all be you when we get
back, wouldn't it?

Not if we don't let it.

It's like West Side Story.

You're a shark and I'm a jet.

You're Romeo and I'm Juliet.

You say potato, I say potato.

I'm serious, Colin.

I know.

Your forehead cramp was up.

When I watched West Side Story, I went
through a whole box of men's side

tissues.

It ended really sad.

It doesn't have to.

I don't care what Chris thinks or what
Paula and Eric thinks.

It's our lives.

Exactly. Because. to admit it, Cole,
we're miles apart.

You're such a good copper, you make
Dixon and Doc Green look bent.

But you're still a copper.

I'm honest, law -abiding.

Well, apart from EVAT returns.

But I'm still mixed up with villains.

We can't change that.

We can.

How?

What if I gave up the force?

I don't have to be a policeman.

No. Look, I wouldn't mind. I would.

You're a good, honest, dedicated copper.

I couldn't live with myself if I was the
reason you gave it all up. I could go

into security. I could become a store
detective or something.

And when you were nicking some old deer
for stealing cat food, you'd get all

restless and resentful that you weren't
out with Eric and the lads, chasing drug

dealers and putting away rapists.

You'd blame me.

Only you wouldn't say so.

But you'd give me the cold shoulder in
bed, then we'd start rowing. Yes, you're

right.

Well, put up a bit of a fight, at least.

No, you're right, Sharon.

I couldn't give up the force.

I mean, it's been rough, and sometimes I
hate it, but it's all I know what to

do. I'd be crap at anything else.

We've had some good times, haven't we?

Yeah.

Do you, Anne?

And poor old Harry.

So, that's that, then.

No copper for a brother -in -law.

No free tickets to the policeman's ball.

Hello, hello, hello's turned into
goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

I'm sorry, Cheryl.

I really liked Colin.

Of course, Chris will think I did it for
him.

Maybe you did.

Of course I didn't.

What's he ever done for me?

Apart from nip me post office book and
sleep with me bridesmaid.

And how do you feel now?

Sad.

Relieved.

Depressed.

Like I could eat ten Mars bars without
taking off the wrappers.

Well, I'll cheer you up. Apparently I'm
very good at it.

Too so.

Eh, Lee?

Yeah, I know she's thicker than a plank
sandwich, but I got her through a really

tough patch.

I found her a flat, helped her apply for
a job, and taught her to do joined -up

writing.

She won't thank you for it, Trace. She
will. She has.

See, Shell, I looked at her and I saw
meself.

Your hair's nicer.

I saw what I was like when Daryl first
got put away.

I went into one if I had to change a
plug.

But I coped, didn't I?

And now I've helped her to cope too.

Well, good for you, Trace.

As long as you promise me I never have
to play I Spy with her again.

Not troubling you, am I?

Didn't know if you had company. Didn't
want to be in the way.

Spooky, isn't it? She looks like Dorian.
She sounds like Dorian. But she's too

nice to be Dorian. See, I have something
to say.

I know I have a tendency to barge in
when I have nothing better to do and to

outstay my welcome.

But just recently, when you have been so
busy with Hayley and Colin...

I realise just how much I value your
friendship and your company.

I missed you.

Who'd have thought I would be best
friends with two coarse, foul -mouthed

criminal's wives like you?

Oh, she's back.

For a moment there, I thought we'd lost
a trace.

So, um... How about going for that meal
in the restaurant tonight?

If you have nothing better to do.

Didn't you go with Roger?

No, he was so, uh... passionate and
demanding.

In the end, I had to tell him I was too
busy nursing my sick grandmother.

So are you free?

I'm free.

Completely and utterly.

Is this the place where the waiters
undress you with their eyes?

Yes.

I'd better put some clean knickers on,
then.

Still to come tonight on UK Gold.

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