All language subtitles for Birds of a Feather s05e01 High Fidelity.eng

When you are far away and I

am blue, what will I do?

All right, Cheryl, how was the cafe
today?

Knackering.

I reckon Chris don't graft that hard at
Maidstone.

What are you reading?

It's a love story.

Caracas at midnight.

I could do with a bit of Caracas any
time of the day.

Yeah, well, you want to get out and find
yourself some.

I'm only making do with it until Her
Majesty's finished with my Daryl.

It's all right for you.

What bloke's going to fancy a bird that
always stinks of beef burgers?

You wouldn't be able to get near me for
all the Rottweilers trying to lick me

pinny. LAUGHTER

Talking of dogs.

Oh, my God.

Is there a problem, Sharon?

I reckon you'd better get your bikini
line waxed a bit, smartish door.

It's spreading all over your body.

Oh, good.

You're envious.

Envious? It's revolting.

I think it's beautiful.

What is it, door?

Silver fox.

Reduced at skin of Romford to two and a
half thousand.

It's an absolute steal.

You reckon it's a steal. Imagine how the
poor fox feels.

For goodness sake, Sharon, you're not
going to start all that animal rights

rubbish, are you? It's so 1988.

Not to mention a little hypocritical
from someone who cooks cows innards for

living.

Cows are food, Dorian.

That's hardly the same as slitting some
poor creature's throat, because you

reckon it'll go very nicely with your
George Armani. Oh, look, I didn't come

here to indulge in student politics. I
just... I came to see if you were going

to be in the wine bar this evening.

You know, just for a change of scenery.

All right, his name's Jason.

He's the model at my evening class on
nude drawing.

He has intelligence, sensitivity, and
buttocks like two hard -boiled eggs in a

handkerchief.

I didn't know you was interested in art,
doll. Who said anything about art?

Have you done the filth yet? Oh, don't
be disgusting, Sharon.

Well, no, as it happens. But he
deliberately lets it that he is going to

the wine bar tonight with a friend of
his. Now, I think that's a step in the

right direction, but... But you don't
want to turn up on your own and look

desperate. Why?

It's never bothered you before, eh?

Oh, well, if it's too much trouble to
help your dearest friend... Oh, of

we'll come. Well, we shall.

Oh, all right.

As long as you promise to leave that
horrible thing at home.

It's a deal.

See you later.

I was talking to the coat.

There you go, Shell. You never know your
luck. Maybe this bloke's mate will turn

out to have buttocks like two eggs in a
hanky.

Yeah, and if my luck, they'll probably
be scrambled.

Yeah, me and Jason go back years.

Lived on the same estate when we was
kids.

Terrible twin, as they called her.

It's good to have a mate that goes back
that far. Don't you think so, Shell?

Sorry? He was just saying, it's good to
have someone you can go back with.

Oh, yeah, definitely.

You can come back tonight if you want.

So, Jason, do tell me what you do to
shape up those wonderful eggs.

Mussels.

Doreen, this bloke only lives for posing
his pecs around the gym. Well, that's

saving the animal kingdom.

I'm sorry?

Always broke me at the thumbing. Last
year it was New Forest Ponies. This year

it's the anti -fur campaign.

What? You mean like banning fur coats
and stuff?

Yeah, that's the one.

Really?

Well, isn't that funny? Because Dorian
was just saying something about fur

this afternoon. Yes.

Absolutely disgusting.

About time somebody put a stop to it.

You what?

Listen, some poor creature's throat.
Just because he matches your Giorgio

Armani, it makes me so mad.

Yeah. Even affects her memory sometimes.

I tried to hear some enthusiasm.

I mean, if you want to get involved,
maybe we could have a chat about it

sometime. 7 .30 Tuesday.

I'll crack open something cold and dry.

Time for a refill, I think. One more for
everyone?

Yeah, and two for Dorian. One for each
face.

Oh, my God, I'm in love.

Oh, really? We never noticed, you see.
Got the old butterflies in the tummy,

have we? Mm, and they're flying fast.

Honestly, Trace, I could drink his bath
water.

Oh, goodness sake, control yourself.

There's nothing worse than a woman
throwing herself at a man.

Coming from the quickest conversion
since North Sea guest.

Look, Trace, you've got to help me. I've
got to see him again. All right, don't

panic. We'll think of something.

There you go.

Arnold Schwarzenegger here's got the
glasses.

Loves walking to the bar, gives him a
chance to show off his own work.

Give me a rest, you plank. I wouldn't
bother coming if you could read the wine

list.

Sorry, mate, I wasn't thinking.

Cheers, Jason.

Was that a joke?

Not much point trying to pretend now, is
there?

I can't read, OK?

What? Not at all.

Don't bother me.

Don't much need it for fitting carpets.

Well, haven't you ever thought about
learning?

No. I tried a few years back. People
just treat you like you're stupid.

Can't teach an old dog new tricks.

No, actually, recent tests have shown
that you can teach an old dog any number

of tricks.

And that's straight from the old dog's
mouth.

I've just had a brilliant idea.

Why don't you let Sharon teach it for a
couple of weeks?

Eh? Oh, no, hang on. Well, what have you
got to lose? She's really good. You

helped teach Garfield to read, didn't
you, Cheryl?

Yeah. I don't know, I just... And you
already know her, so you know she ain't

going to look down on you. Go on, if you
play your cards right, might even chuck

in a can of lager afterwards.

Now you're talking.

Oh, all right, then.

But no taking the mickeys, Sharon.

And you'd better be gentle with me.

Don't you worry, Mark. You come round
tomorrow, you'll see. My sister could

been a teacher if she wanted. She's
brilliant.

I don't know why cough and rough are
spelt the same way. They just are.

What about cuff?

No, cuff is with an F to make the fff
sound.

You said before that PH makes fff.

No. Well, yes, sometimes.

This is fff with an F.

Like... F in Frank.

Like Frank Buff.

Buff. Oh.

Look, I'm sorry, but this is a waste of
time.

I know you're trying to whelp, but we'd
better just forget it. Hang about, Mark.

Maybe you should just start with
something a bit more straightforward.

Look, I dug this out of the attic today.
It used to be Garfield.

That's a kid's book. Yeah, I know.

See, letters change their sound
depending on what they're next to.

Like, P is usually per, but when it's
next to an H... It sounds like... That's

right. But when it's next to an H, the P
is silent.

Like P in a bath.

Look, Trace, why don't you teach Mark to
read?

What? But I ain't being funny or
nothing. It's just, well, you explain

better than me.

So, if Mark don't mind, you can do the
Janet and John stuff and I'll do the T

and Bickies. Yeah.

Done. I'll come over Thursday. All
right, Tracey?

Don't say that. I've got much choice.

See you then.

Cheerio, Sharon.

See you, Mark.

He winked at me.

He winked at me!

You know what that means, don't you?

Let men speak for knickers off next
time.

Michelle, are you sure you don't mind me
doing the lesson? I mean, this whole

set -up was supposed to be for your
benefit.

It still is.

Look, Trace, I nearly blew the whole
thing tonight.

This way, he still keeps coming round,
and when you've finished with your hard

work... I appear with the cheesy nibbles
on a cloud of odour, rumpy -pumpy.

Get the picture?

Yeah. It would be quite nice to feel
useful again.

Although I'm not sure Daryl would like
it.

Why? There's no harm in it, is there?

Just explain your real plight, you
ranger.

It's not as if you fancy my heart
yourself, is it?

No, of course not.

Janet and John play with Nip the Dog.

See them play.

Nip likes to run.

See Nip run.

Here, Tracy, I've been doing kids' books
for two weeks now. When do I get onto

the good stuff?

When you finish book ten. Then if you
behave yourself, we'll do Winnie the

Listen, I don't want nothing pervy.

Cheeky mongrel.

Seriously, though, you're doing really
well.

You're a good teacher.

I don't know how to thank you. You don't
have to. I'm really enjoying it.

Well, ever since, you know, Daryl's been
inside, hasn't he?

I get a bit fed up sitting round on my
own.

Well, I like being with you.

Actually, I think you're terrific.

Oh, well... Daryl's very lucky having
someone like you waiting for him.

If that's what you're doing.

Yeah, of course.

I'd never do anything to hurt Daryl, no
matter how much.

What?

Nothing.

I'll see if Sharon's got the kettle on.

She's great, isn't she, Sharon? You get
on really well with her, don't you?

Yeah. Yeah, I think Sharon's great.

Just not as great as you.

Teas up!

Here we are.

How's it going?

Not too bad.

Want a little one?

Actually, I was thinking we should go
out and celebrate.

How about a drink down the wine bar
tomorrow night? Yeah, I'd love to. What

time? Would half six be all right?

Sure. How about you, Tracy? I could come
and fetch you if you like.

I can't. It's visiting tomorrow.

You'll be bad by then, won't you?

Well, the traffic can be really bad.

Oh, well, looks like it's just you and
me, Mark.

Never mind.

We'll manage, eh?

So, half six on the button, then?

OK.

Listen, I'd better go. I've got an early
start.

See you later.

Bye. See you, Mark.

Yes! You sick thing!

You sick thing! You sick thing!

Mind you, it won't be on for long, will
it?

Oh, Trace. Look, I know I'm acting like
a piller, but you know when you look at

someone and you just know it could be
fantastic?

Yeah, you're sexy.

Yes, Sharon, I do.

Tracey, I need help.

Sharon's been saying that for years,
though.

It's Jason.

Found out you're a secret fox killer,
has he?

Oh, no, he won't have to.

I've had quite a change of heart in that
direction.

Oh, come on, Dore. No, I'm serious.

I've been reading the literature that
Jason's animal rights group distributes.

The senseless cruelty to dumb animals is
quite shocking.

Oh, you're just faking all this to get
into his trousers.

I don't fake, Tracy.

Well, only with Marcus.

No.

I've thought about it carefully, and
I've decided to make a major commitment

the cause.

I am going to set an innocent animal
free.

You're never going to break into one of
them labs.

No, I said commitment, Tracy, not
getting my hands dirty.

I'm going to take my coat back to the
shop.

Big deal.

What's the fox going to do?

Scamp around the shop on its anger?

Well, it's a start.

No, since meeting Jason, I've really had
my eyes opened.

Just your eyes?

Yes, well, that's what I wanted to talk
to you about.

This is very embarrassing to admit,
particularly from one as carnally

as myself, but how shall I put it?

The sexual element is incomplete.

What? You mean he's Jewish?

I mean, we haven't done it yet.

God knows I've given him enough
opportunities.

I've talked about saving the bloody
Wales until I'm blue in the face, but

nothing. I am seeing him tonight, but
frankly, Tracy, I'm getting desperate.

Dorian, this isn't my problem.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Tracey, is something the matter?

No.

Well, can you keep a secret?

I've been married to Marcus for 24
years. What do you think?

You know, Mark... Oh, yes.

Jason said you're getting on like a
house on fire.

Is the blaze getting out of control?

Look, nothing's happened. I swear, it's
just... You think it might?

Well, I didn't even notice at first.

It was just so nice to have a laugh and
a chat with a bloke after all this time.

And I do enjoy teaching him.

It's just that, well, last night it got
a bit heavy and, well, now I'm feeling

guilty about Sharon and guilty about
Daryl and, oh, you must think I'm a

nutcase. Why?

Well, look at us. Here's you planning
the bonk of the century and never mind

Marcus. And here's me feeling guilty for
just thinking about it.

Well, has it ever occurred to you that
if I had a marriage as happy as yours

Daryl's, then I would feel guilty just
thinking about it?

Oh, this is just the passing phase.

Believe me, I know.

You'll go and see Daryl this afternoon
and fall in love with him all over

Yeah, you're probably right.

So, how's it going, Daryl? What have you
been up to?

Not a lot.

To bring my cigar?

Yeah, of course.

Here you are.

Well, I've had an interesting couple of
weeks.

I forgot to tell you, there was this
massive punch -up down on Seawing Monday

night. This bloke was caught nicking
fags. Now he's walking around with eyes

like Chi -Chi the Panda.

Laugh. I don't think that's funny,
Daryl. I do. It was Chris.

Oh, my God, is he all right?

Yeah, of course he's all right. Get out
your pram, Trace. He deserved it. Things

like that happen in here.

Yeah, well, it's a funny way to
entertain yourself.

Oh, I am sorry.

As I was saying.

I've had an interesting couple of weeks.
Next time I'll pop over to Euro Disney.

You see, there's this friend of Dorian.

That's an horrible colour.

Oh, sorry, sugar, you were saying?

It don't matter.

I got this Phil Collins CD the other
day. It's got that record on it that the

played on our wedding anniversary. Do
you remember?

No, I don't really listen to that slushy
stuff no more, Trace.

You don't feel very romantic when the
only person you wake up to every morning

is Bucket's butcher, the slop -out king.

Thanks a lot, Daryl.

What's the matter?

Nothing. It's just that I only get to
see you once a fortnight.

It'd be nice of you to talk about
something other than punching people and

slopping out.

What are you going on about?

What do you think I do all day long?

Have I seen the new Bruce Willis film?
No.

Am I going anywhere nice for my holidays
this year? No.

If we get hundreds and thousands on our
trifling here... We think we've been to

a party. What do you expect me to talk
about?

I don't know. I just want to have a
laugh and a chat.

I just need to remember what the two of
us is all about, Daryl.

We're married, aren't we?

Isn't that enough?

See you in a fortnight.

Trace, when you come next time, can you
bring us a clean hanky?

You sexy thing, you.

Sexy thing, you.

I believe in miracles.

Right on time.

You all right, then? I've been coming
here for two weeks, Sharon.

Yeah, of course you have.

Fancy a drink?

No, let's get down to the wine bar,
shall we? Find the others.

What others?

Jason and Dorian.

Sorry, Sharon, I meant to tell you.

When Jason found out we was going out,
he suggested all meeting up.

You don't mind, do you?

No. No, of course not.

I'll get my coat.

Tracey.

Hiya, Trace. Right, we're just off out.
See you later.

Tracey, you OK?

Trace?

What is it? You had a row with Daryl?

Not exactly.

Oh, show, I've had a terrible visit.

It was like we had nothing to say to
each other.

Pretty much the only thing we spoke
about was your Chris getting beaten up.

Oh, there you go.

You can still have a laugh together.

Can we, Cheryl?

Sometimes I wonder.

Look, you've just had a bad visit,
that's all.

It'll soon blow over.

In the meantime, we'll look after you.

Oh, thanks, Cheryl.

Come on in, Tracy.

Fling your coat on, you're coming down
the wine bar with us.

Eh? Like Sharon said, we'll look after
you.

Yeah, I didn't mean tonight.

I don't know.

A bit of company's what you need. You
don't want to be on your tod, do you?

she does.

Telly, takeaway, bish -bosh, happy as
Larry. Isn't that right, Tracey?

Well... Just come down for an hour. No
point moping.

Yeah, go on. You have a mope, girl. Get
it out of your system.

Maybe it would do me good to get out for
a bit. Do you mind, Cheryl?

No. No, of course not. I'll get your
coat.

I'm sorry, Cheryl. A quick drink and a
chat. I won't stay long, honest.

Two two -wheel chases and I'll be in bed
by nine.

That's funny.

Five minutes ago, that was my plan
exactly.

So he says... No, don't. Stop it. He
says, how do you know? And she

says, you told me yesterday.

Oh, Isha!

What's that one about the footballer
with a whopping great foot? I don't

remember.

Jason, it's after ten. Wouldn't you like
to go somewhere more comfortable? I

read some really interesting statistics
on steel cutting today. No, come on.

Let's have another one. Oh, I shouldn't
really. If I have more than two

cocktails, I'll get this pain in me
forehead.

Yeah, and if she has more than six, I'll
get this pain in me backside.

Are you feeling better now, sweetheart?

Not still brooding over your old man?

Oh, of course not. Thanks to you.

Go on, have one for the road.

What about a between -the -sheets? Oh!

What about a screwdriver?

Or a rusty nail?

Between -the -sheets, that ends
brilliant.

But isn't it a bit pricey?

Not really, Trace. About 30 pieces of
silver, I'd say.

Same to you, Dorian. No, thank you. I
think I'll call it a night. No, don't

trouble yourself, Jason.

I'd hate to break up the party.

Dorian, wait!

I haven't asked you about tomorrow yet.

Tomorrow? I was going to invite you out
at lunchtime. Bit of a surprise.

My treat.

Oh.

Oh, well, in that case, I'll have a gin
and tonic. Oh, I've got a better idea.

Why don't you all come back to my house?

No, Trace. Oh, go on, we'll have a
laugh.

I've got a bottle of Malibu in the
fridge.

I'm game, Tracey.

Yes, we noticed.

Look, we're not having people back,
Trace. You've had enough already.

Who says I've had enough?

I do.

Dorian does. The barman does.

Oliver Reed has sent a personal
telegram.

Do you know what? I am sick of being
told what to do.

I'll decide when I've had enough.

I'll decide everything from now on.

Sit down, Tracey. No, I will not sit
down.

I can do what I like.

And do you know what I'm going to do
right now?

I am going to sit down.

For a very, very long time.

Looks like you're coming back to our
place after all, Mark.

What do you mean?

You can help me carry her own.

Oh, where am I, shall?

Have I died and gone to hell?

Not yet, but I'm working on it.

Bit of music?

Oh, stop it, shall.

Fancy a bit of this?

Oh, knock it off, I'm going to be sick.

Yes, I expect you are.

you done last night, Trace? I ain't even
started yet.

You're cross with me, ain't you?

Cross?

You gate -crush my date, try and pinch
-mark from under my nose, throw it up

down the back of your headboard, and you
think I'm cross?

No, Trace. I'm bloody furious.

Get a try and pinch -mark.

Like hell you didn't.

You know your trouble?

Jealousy. You're just a spoilt little

of me having something you can't. Oh,
don't talk rubbish, Sal.

Look, I ain't exactly fighting blokes
off, you know, Trace.

This is my first chance in months for a
bit of affection and you had to grab it

for yourself.

Look, I'm not exactly up to me front
-knees in candlelit dinners, you know.

He's a nice bloke and he flirted with
me. I was flattered. I'm sorry.

Oh, are you?

And what about Daryl?

He ain't done nothing.

There's more to being faithful than
keeping your knickers on, you know.

What are you talking about?

You knew there was something starting
between you and Mark.

But did you put a stop to it? No.

You were saying the wine bar during the
dance of the seven veils.

Just because your hair's dry don't mean
you ain't been swimming, you know.

Look, I'm telling you, Trace, you want
to knock them lessons on the head right

now if you know what's good for you.

Look, I like teaching Mark. Why should I
send him packing just because your

ego's hurt?

It's not my ego I'm worried about, you
stupid mare.

It's your marriage.

Yeah, my marriage and my life.

teaching mark than I will.

For God's sake, Sharon, stop pushing me
around.

I've got my self -respect, you know.

Don't apologise.

Everyone overdoes it sometimes.

How are you feeling?

Terrible. Well, you look all right.

As a matter of fact, you look pretty
gorgeous.

Thanks. Come and sit down.

So what is it today, then?

Janet and John play ball?

Dick and Jane go to school?

Or maybe Mark takes Tracy in his arms
and gives her a very long, very gentle

kiss.

No, today it's Tracy tells Mark he can't
come round no more.

Don't think I'm going to like that one,
Trace.

Look, you're a really terrific bloke,
Mark, and I'm glad if I've been able to,

but it's got to stop.

Is this because of Sharon?

I kind of guess that she likes me.

Actually, it was a sandwich board
saying, please snog me, that gave it

I've been doing a lot of thinking.

Well, I've been really stupid.

I've hurt Sharon, but most of all, I
ain't been fair to Daryl.

What about being fair to yourself?

You had a rotten time with him
yesterday.

Yeah, but that's what being married's
all about.

Prison or no prison.

Sometimes you want to smack him in the
mouth.

But he's still my husband.

OK. I promised to sit on me hands and
put a chub lock on me wife rants.

But we still go on with the lessons,
can't we?

Why not?

I don't get it.

Because there's more to all this than
keeping your knickers on.

And if I carry on swimming like this,
I'm going to get me hair wet.

Tracey, I haven't the faintest idea what
you're on about.

But I do recognise a no when I hear one.

It's been great.

I'll see you.

See you, Mark.

Here, Trace, did you ever notice his
ears?

They were kind of pointy at the top.

A bit like Mr Spock.

A bit skinny and all, weren't they?
Yeah.

I'm sorry, Cheryl.

I acted like a right prat.

Me and all.

Look, you've been apologising for two
days, Trace. Let's just forget it, eh?

I wouldn't go out with Martin there if
he came with a fortnight's holiday and a

free pizza in his trousers.

Just popped in to say goodbye. Going off
to Scotland for a few days.

Dorian, you're wearing your coat.

Why aren't the calls of animal rights?
What about Jason?

Who? You know, Jason.

Yes, don't mention that boy's name
again.

I thought you fancied the pence off him.
I thought he was taking you out on some

surprise lunch date. I did.

He was.

It wasn't.

Oh, well, half of Tigwell knows now
anyway.

Lunch was a surprise, all right.

A lukewarm veggie burger on a picket
line outside Skin of Romford.

You want a picket line? Oh, come on,
Sharon, you've read the local paper.

Not yet, I... Oh, I'm Dorian!

Fifty -somethings fight fur.

Not a very good picture of you, is it,
Dorian?

You look a bit like Barbara Cartland.

Come across and get swine. It was all a
trick from start to finish.

Group leader Jason Morley said of new
recruit Dorian Green, mature women are

an asset to the cause.

Kids will look at her and think, that
could be my gran up there.

I wonder, are you going to Scotland
or...? Yes, and I might just stay there.

An old flame of mine runs a hunting
lodge in the Highlands.

A few days of hunting, fishing and
killing innocent animals is just what I

to recover from this humiliation.

Poor old door.

Hello, track.

One for you and one for me.

Tracky's dad.

I think they're from Mark.

They're writing too good to be critic.

Here we go.

To Tracky.

Thank you very much for all you help.

Hope we can style be fiends. Love, Mark.

Ah, isn't that sweet?

To Sharon.

Thank y 'all for all the cups of tea.

I think you are really nice.

And, Cod, I tack you out one night. Of
all the cheeky... Yes, baby, it's sick

you.

That's what he is, you said.

Not if he had a free pizza down his
trousers, you said. Look, I'll tell you

what, Trace. If he has, I'll save you
the bit with the crust on.

What will I do when you are far

away?

And there'll be more from Chigwell at
the same time next week on BBC One.

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