Original subtitles

What will I do when you are far

away and I am blue?

What will I do when I'm alone

with only dreams of you

that won't come true?

What'll I do?

Look at the state of this unit.

It's got more sticky fingerprints on it than Dorian's underwear.

Post!

Post!

I'll go, shall I?

Yeah, you go, Chase. I'm far too busy reading a magazine to get the post.

I've come over cloudy out here.

I reckon it'll chuck it down in a minute.

Oh, God.

Another letter from your husband.

That's free in three days.

He must be desperate to see you.

Couldn't give a tosk, could you?

Of course I could.

I'm going through the shops later. If it rains, I'll get soaked, won't I?

You're not going to read it, then?

What's the point?

I know what it says.

Please. Come and see me. Please come and see me.

Well, you can't just ignore him. Why not?

Doreen ignores her husband and they live in the same house.

Well, yours obviously still thinks you're holding a candle for him.

I've got a blow lamp. I'd like to introduce certain parts of his anatomy

Well, why not go and talk to him? Tell him where he's been.

I should cocoa.

Look, when he was there, he treated me the way a baby treats its nappy.

Lying, gambling, boozing, birding.

In our flats, he was sleeping with every woman along our balcony except one.

Me.

There's only one way I want to speak to him, and that's through a medium.

So divorce him, then.

Can't be bothered.

All that aggravation and expense with solicitors.

Look, if you get him off your back, then you can get on with the rest of your

life. I mean, you can't spend the rest of it living here with me and Daryl.

Can I?

No, you bloody well can.

Look, you're not that bad, shall?

You could still pull yourself a decent bloke.

Big head, will you?

Well, what are your plans?

I told you.

I'll go down the shops later.

I don't make plans, Trace.

Plans go wrong.

I plan to have a family.

Instead, I ended up marrying a bloke that produces less sperm than an

Hello?

Pardon?

Look, this is Tracy.

Yeah, hold on.

Who is it? Your mother -in -law.

Eh? Chris has been moaning, so now she wants to know why you won't go and see

him. Oh, no.

Look, sort it out, will you? I'm not having her ringing up here.

I don't want to talk to her. Tell her I've gone away.

Oh, please.

She only knows a dozen words of English, and four of them are Sharon, you lazy

fat bitch.

Is this the Adopalopida?

Here's Sharon.

Did you get my letters?

Yeah.

See, I put a kiss on the bottom of each one.

I thought that was your signature.

Don't be like that, Darlene.

Darling me, you two -faced git.

Look, I ain't come here for a slanging match.

For once, let's try and have a civil conversation, OK?

OK.

I'm kicking you into touch.

I ain't going to divorce you because you ain't worth the time or the trouble.

Instead, I'm going to flog the ring, have a good night out with the girls and

forget I ever met you.

So I'd appreciate it if you'd find yourself another pen pal. Oh, and get

mother off me back.

See ya. Yeah, hold on. You can't leave me. Just watch me.

But you don't mean it. I do.

You don't.

I do.

I don't like you.

The judge that sent you down is on my Christmas card list.

What about all the good times we had then, eh?

You just sit there and flush those down the toilet.

What good times?

A day out at Fontwell Races five years ago.

A quick tumble every six months and a right ender every birthday. Yeah, you

out of order hitting me.

You never bought me a prison.

All right.

I know we've had our problems.

But I swear, I've had time to think being stuck in here.

And I've realised how much I love you.

Chris, the only person you love is sitting opposite me right now. That is

True, Michelle.

Honest.

Look, if I had my time over again, I'd still marry you.

What do you think?

Look, there's something you don't know.

There's something I've got to tell you. Let me guess, let me guess.

You've got a few grand stashed away and it's all mine if I promise to stay with

you. No.

Oh, in that case... Look, Michelle!

Just let it go, will you, Chris?

You want me there because you're feeling sorry for yourself, stuck in here.

When you get out, you'll be back to your wicked ways and you won't have to

listen to me nagging you. Look, you don't understand.

You can't leave me because I'm ill.

Straight up.

Wayne.

I've got a problem downstairs.

What do you mean, you're fake?

It's one of me tentacles.

You mean testicles.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

One of them's swelling up.

I'm worried, Charlotte. I think it's serious.

You make me sick.

What?

Is there no lie you won't tell to try and get your own way?

You're worse than a sand reporter.

I'm telling the truth.

Like the time you was telling the truth when you wrote to that pools winner.

Tried to con 200 quid out of him towards a new kidney.

But I can feel it getting bigger.

Well, stop feeling it and it'll stop getting bigger.

What's your mate?

You heard my good news.

What's happening?

I've got a verruca.

Nice for you. You're right.

It means extra soap ration. I could swap that for some snout.

And I get to have my feet smelt by that lady chiropodist.

She's got a face like a slate -layer's nail bag.

They can start with choosing, mate.

There's no one else in this nick likely to give me a flash of stockings and

suspenders. Oh, apart from Reg Hollis on Seawing, but it's likely to put you

after your dinner, isn't it?

I'll have that if you don't want it.

It's high -quality slop today.

The grave is almost tender.

I don't understand you, mate.

You ought to be glad to get shot at that, Sharon.

I realise what she meant to me now.

Aggravation. You two have been at each other's throats since the day you got

married. We shouldn't have thrown confetti on your wedding. We should have

lobbed tear gas.

We weren't all bad.

No, you had one thing in common. She liked a night out with the girls and so

you.

Yeah, well, I've been regretting all that.

She's the only one I want.

Especially now. Yeah. Now that your other girlfriend just don't want to know

you. No.

Ain't like that, Dale. Straight up.

I want her back.

I need her.

I'm ill, mate.

Yeah. Sick as a parrot.

No.

I'm really ill.

One of me stones is swelling up.

What? Honest.

You must think I'm as green as these sausages.

You're just swinging an electric trying to get Sharon back.

I can't swing nothing at the moment, mate. It's serious.

Look, why do you think I haven't had a shower in a fortnight?

Because you're a dirty git.

It's because I'm embarrassed.

It's bloody unsightly.

Is this kosher?

On my mother's life.

Well, it can't be nothing too bad, can it?

Otherwise the doctor would send you up to the hospital. He is.

I'm going there this afternoon for tests.

I reckon I'm going to be in there for three days.

Three days?

Well, what happened then? I mean, did anything set it off? Get a whack down

there or something? No.

I just came up.

The doctor says it can happen to anyone.

Well, I suppose I'd better go.

Get ready for the hospital.

Yeah, right. Well, look, good luck, mate, and don't worry.

Probably turn out to be nothing at all.

Cheese.

Not at the dinner

table, Dub.

Dorian reckons I can choose any surname I want.

It's exciting, isn't it?

What do you think of, um, Sharon Minogue?

You start thinking about changing your name, don't you think you should go and

see Chris again, after what he's said?

After what he's said? I don't want to see him in photographs.

Oh, it's pathetic.

I hate to see a man's bed.

Really? I insist on it.

But what if he really is ill?

Trace, he's a lying schmuck.

He'd treat his own grandmother out of her holiday money.

Well, Daryl believes him, and according to his letter, so does the prison

doctor. Why else would they be sending him to hospital?

He is going to hospital. They freeze piles.

They always play him up when the weather turns.

His stuff is terrible with them.

Comes from spending so long on the bog reading his sporting life.

Here. What do you reckon of Sharon Bond, eh?

No, I don't like it. Makes you sound like one of those government savings

schemes. Well, what's wrong with our maiden name? Why don't you go back to

eh?

Rackham? No, it's boring, isn't it?

If I'm going to be a sophisticated single lady, I want something classy.

Turn the eatings down, will you, Trace?

Sweating like a pig on eat here.

Don't you up, Dora. Sharon, horses sweat.

Gentlemen perspire.

Sophisticated single ladies glow.

All right.

If I'm glowing like a pig on eat here... Oh, please turn it down, Trace.

Come on, Dora.

for me?

How about Carrington?

Or Colby?

Or Ewing? That's worth more your mark.

Come on, move.

What are you looking for, Trace? My pearl earrings.

You haven't seen them, have you?

Yeah, I'm wearing them.

Well, bloody well, get them off. I'm late for visiting now. You know they're

Daryl's favourites. I've told you, Trace, they won't suit him, you know.

I need you. Going after that.

What's that book you read indoors?

Surnames and their meanings.

We don't want her to pick a name and find out it means keeper of the cesspit.

Look up, Stubbs, will you? Oh, I already have.

It means short and fat.

I can't help it. It does.

Well, there's no need to look yours up.

Green must be something to do with all the grass you've flattened.

Who's that on the phone, Shell?

Sharon?

Who's on the phone?

What's the matter?

It was the prison.

Them tests Chris had at the hospital were positive.

He's got a malignant tumour.

Oh, my God.

They're taking him to Maidstone General for emergency surgery to remove it.

He wants me to go up there.

Poor man.

I told you, didn't I? I told you.

I can't believe it. No -one had listened, said this had happened. Did I

had happened?

Yes, Trace.

What do you want, the Nobel Prize for smart artists?

Get your coat and I'll run you up the hospital. No, you're going to see Daryl.

It doesn't matter about that.

It does.

You look forward to seeing each other.

The door will run me up there, won't your door? Yes, of course.

No!

Trace, I'm all right.

I'm not the one who's ill.

You sure?

Yes. Do you think you'll be able to find it there? Yeah, don't worry.

Thanks.

I'll see you later.

See you later, mate.

Are you sure you'll be all right? Yes, go on.

Right.

Well, shall we go?

I don't think I can go up there.

God forgive me, but I don't. Look, with Chris's track record, no -one could

blame you for not believing him.

It's just guilt, Sharon.

I mean, I know all about that.

When I first cheated on Marcus, I thought I would never be able to look

the face again.

And then I thought, ah, what the hell, the honeymoon suite's paid for.

It's not guilt that's stopping me going up there.

If I go and visit him, Chris and everyone else will expect me to be the

concerned wife.

All loving and sympathetic.

I'm sorry, Ezeal, but I can't forget all the years he led me a dog's life.

If I go up there, Dot, I'll have a rare.

I always do.

Sharon, you have got to go. Because if you don't, you will regret it.

Maybe not today.

Maybe not tomorrow.

But soon.

And for the rest of your life.

Hello, gorgeous.

All right?

That's my missus.

Lovely, isn't she?

Hello. Hello.

You couldn't leave us alone for a couple of minutes, could you?

I mean, he's hardly likely to get on a bike in his condition, is he?

Yeah, OK.

Smart move, that.

What was? Getting rid of him.

Jump him. We've got time for a quick one.

Behave yourself. You're supposed to be ill.

I'm sorry I didn't bring you nothing.

I was in a bit of a rush, you know.

Are you nervous?

No, I feel all right.

Operation can't be worse than when they shaved me.

I didn't know I could hold my breath for so long.

I'm sorry I didn't believe you when you said you was ill.

Don't worry about it.

I wouldn't have believed a lying sod like me, either.

Glad you're here.

Love you, Shell.

Not now, eh, Chris?

We did have some good times, you know, me and you.

Yeah?

Yeah, we did.

I've been lying here, thinking about them.

Hey, do you remember that time a whole crowd of us went to my cousin Andy's

wedding? We all got paralytic, fell into the stereo, trying to dance to the

Birdies song.

Yeah.

Then there was that time in that Italian restaurant.

We all got paralytic.

Ended up having a food fight with that crowd from Bolton.

Oh, yeah, I remember that.

See?

What about that time in that nightclub in Clacton?

When you got chucked out for being sick on the chilli con carne.

Well, I didn't think they'd notice.

We was paralytic then, weren't we?

Not much.

No wonder I don't remember none of this.

Great holiday, that, eh?

Forty -five of your best mates.

A kip all down the beach.

Drunk all night in the pub.

Can't be clacking for holiday.

No.

Never could get a decent cup of tea, though, could we?

You and your bleating teeth.

Hey, you still got that photograph of you and me in the back of that donkey?

Yeah, somewhere.

Hey, talking of good times, the best.

It was after we'd been to Steve Harris' 30th birthday party.

Don't you remember?

No. We tried to do it in the back of my old Capri.

That weren't me.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, Cheryl.

Forget it.

Time to go down now, Chris.

I'd love to, nurse, but I've got to have an operation.

Sorry. I've heard worse.

I'll get out your way, shall I?

Good luck, mate.

Make sure they take the right one, won't you?

Hey, you will come and see me again, won't you, shall?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Yes, sister.

Okay, sister.

Right, sister.

Thank you. Bye.

Is that the hospital?

No, it's the local convent. Want to know if you're still interested in joining?

So, how is he?

Well, he's out of surgery and he's comfortable.

Well, as comfortable as you can be with a four -inch scar in your private.

What's the operation at the fair?

They won't know for a couple of days. Where's Tracy?

She's not back yet. What is this, 20 questions?

Oh, excuse me.

He's got me trapped, hasn't he?

A week ago, I was finally going to get rid of him.

And now, because he's ill, everyone will expect me to act like the wife again.

It'll be nightmare in Edmonton, too.

But he will still be in prison. You'll only have to visit him once a fortnight.

It's not just that, is it?

I'll be committed.

Every time I try to lead my own life, I'll get the emotional blackmail from

Chris or Tracy.

I know it's none of my business.

I don't normally stop you.

But I don't understand why you married him in the first place.

Tracy, I suppose.

What, she liked him?

No.

Tracy had him sussed out as a pile of dog food the first day she laid eyes on

him.

I was sick of being second best to her.

She had everything.

Husbands, kids, flat in Leytonstone.

Can't see Ivana Trump being wrapped with envy.

I was living with scatty Aunt Sylvie in a damp flat next to the dustbins on a

pre -war council estate in Oxden.

Then along come this bloke that promised me everything Tracy had.

Then he got me so -called best mate pregnant and had to marry her.

Chris got me on the rebound.

But you stayed with him for what, eight years?

I had no choice, Dora.

I had nowhere else to go.

Well, couldn't you have gone to Tracy?

Oh, yeah. I see Daryl putting up with that.

No, I did leave Chris once.

I went and stayed with one of the girls from work for a week.

He came round, begging me to go back.

Promised me he'd change.

You know, that was the first and last time he ever did any decorating.

He'd done up the toilet using flock wallpaper.

How awful.

Yeah, it was.

Needless to say, washable in there.

He only ever wanted me as a skivvy.

To cook, go out to work, wash his underwear.

How can I spend the next seven years if I need that to look forward to, eh?

No stuff him.

It sounds odd, but just because he's got cancer, it don't make him a good

husband, does it?

I mean, Jack the Ripper had TB as a kid.

He's hardly the sort of bloke you'd want to walk down the aisle with.

How do you know that?

No -one knows who Jack the Ripper was.

Who am I thinking of, then?

Perhaps it was Mussolini.

Was it Arthur Scargill?

Oh, I don't know. Some toe rag like that.

Anyway, you can see me point, can't you, Dora?

Yes, but I don't think Tracey will.

She'll explode.

Sorry, me.

Bloody traffic.

Did you get up there?

What happened?

How is he?

He's out of surgery and he's comfortable.

They were all really worried about him up the prison.

Well, Daryl was.

How did you get on with him when you got up there?

All right.

Good. He's going to be in for a while, so you'll have to take him up some clean

pyjamas and something to read.

I'm still giving him the elbow, Trace.

As far as I'm concerned, nothing's changed.

All right.

Do you think I'm right, then? Yeah.

If you hate him so much you can be that wicked, it's best you don't go anywhere

near him.

You'll only make the poor bloke even more ill.

I'll take his stuff up there.

Pack it in, Trace.

I didn't say I want to bring his stuff up there.

I don't hate him. I thought you did.

I don't.

I want him to get better. Yeah, so you can dump him with a clear conscience.

If you knew what he put me through... Oh, we all know you're the most

wife since Anne Boleyn.

But it don't change the fact that your husband is seriously ill in hospital.

And if you give him the elbow, well, God knows what that'll do to him. Cos he'll

be a real kick in the nuts.

Nuts.

What do they say along this kind of tight?

I'm sorry, love.

Aren't we all too fancy a great?

Here he is.

Hello. All right? All right.

Have a look, it's John Wayne.

You look like you've been sitting on an off for a month.

Sharon. Ah, it's all right, Trey.

I like myself, honey. I'm afraid something might give way.

How did the scan go?

Aye, all clear.

Doctor says I shall make a complete recovery.

Good news.

Oh, brilliant.

I'm really glad, Chris.

Yeah, so am I.

For a while there, I thought I'd had me lot.

Got to take it easy for a while, but you'll soon be better. Get out of this

place. Back in prison.

Sorry.

It's all right.

I won't be so bad now.

I've got Cheryl coming to visit me.

We'll go out for a bit. Leave you two alone, eh?

Not sure.

Oi, come on.

Oh.

Hey.

That was the first time Tracy kissed me since the... Hang on, that was the first

time Tracy kissed me.

I bought you some grapes.

Don't let the guard get hold of them, will you?

Yeah, shall.

The doctor says.

Only having one testicle won't change my sexual performance.

You must be really disappointed.

Just a joke.

But he said it shouldn't hinder me in any way at all.

Hitler only had one, you know. He had a very full life.

Don't they say? Yeah.

I could have had a false one put in, you know. Just for show, like.

Really?

I didn't see the point. I mean, they're not made to be looked at, are they?

Don't mind, do you?

It's nothing to do with me, is it?

Well, you are my wife.

Or are you?

I saw that look Tracy gave you when he said about coming to visit me.

Well, are you still going to give me the elbow?

I've decided to leave things as they are for now.

I mean, I'll still come see you, now and again.

Great.

I'm not promising anything, Chris.

I still want to lead my own life.

Fair enough.

We'll just see how things go, eh?

Well, whatever you decide in the end, I don't want you to let

the fact that I've got a serious illness hanging over my head influence you.

Oh!

You all right?

Don't worry.

It's just a twinge.

Probably.

Look.

If I am going to come and see you, let's stop all this constant digging at each

other, eh?

Yeah. Show each other a bit of respect.

Exactly.

I'm, er... I'm thinking of changing my name.

Yeah?

Good!

Well, Sharon is a bit common.

How about Apollonaris?

Like me mum?

Sharon is not bloody common.

I meant the stupid surname you lumbered me with.

Yeah, the name Theodobouloboulos is well known in Finsbury Park.

Only by the old bill.

Look, I want a name you can stick on one side of an envelope.

Oh, nothing Greek.

Right, so what poncy name are you going to give yourself, then?

Well, I haven't quite decided yet.

I've made a short list.

I'm trying out one a day, you know, see which one I like best.

Sorry, visiting time's over, Miss Onassis.

Anassis.

Well,

that's Greek for a start.

No, it's not.

She was an American, weren't she?

But she married a Greek, you thick tart.

Don't call me thick.

Who was it that thought Einstein was a German lager, eh?

The barmaid's probably still laughing at you.

Anassis. Oh, you big cow.

I'll see you Friday.

United by their addiction to the old oily rags, hang out with the inhabitants

the smoking room in tomorrow's Made in Britain slot at nine. Up next tonight on

Paramount Comedy 2, Cuddly Kenny Everett and his television show.

What'll I do when I'm alone?

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0