Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance with no...

got a chance.

This is a fine romance.

Oh, that can't be right.

Uh -oh.

So, we're landscape gardening. May I help you?

Oh, Mr. Miller.

Three weeks late.

You sure?

You sure we quoted you the 14th of the starting date?

Yes, you are sure. Yes, I do understand.

Look, Mr Miller, all our jobs and staff assignments are on our computer.

If you just hold on a minute, I'll just check.

Hello,

Mr Miller?

Yes, I'm sorry, there does seem to have been a malfunction, and unfortunately...

Mr. Selway's assistant is in hospital.

Now, Mr. Selway's got very behind him with the jobs, but he's doing his best

ca... Any tea in the pot? Don't you start

on me.

All I said was any tea in the pot. People have been starting on me all day.

People are just getting at me. What people?

Old customers.

Put it another way, ex -customers.

Well, behind him with every job.

And they're beginning to ask why.

I've tried everything. Lying, blocking, cajoling, putting my cards on the table,

pretending I was the wrong number.

What do I have to show for it? Two cancelled orders.

Oh, it's better than yesterday.

We had three yesterday.

Now, what kind of attitude is that?

Realistic. Realistic?

It's like having a very fair impression of fiddling while Rome burns.

Oh, what else can I do?

Charlie's still in hospital. I can hardly drag him from his bed and put him

work, can I? It's been six weeks.

Five and a half. Oh.

It's always time to get gardening. Mike Selway speaking.

Oh, hello, Mr. Anderson.

And how are you?

Oh.

Has it really been that long?

Yes, but... Yes, you see... Now, look.

Three. Come on, let's call it a day.

Oh, no, I can't. I've still got another job to do.

What are you planning? Floodlit gardening?

A couple I'm working for have got lights on their patio.

They won't mind someone banging around outside the French windows while they

have dinner.

I'm working on the theory that they'll be so pleased to see me that they

wouldn't mind if I had a couple of bulldozers out there.

When will you be home?

I don't know, Nate.

Anyway, you'd better get off. I don't pay you to sit there and take abusive

phone calls.

You don't pay me at all.

I'm a volunteer, remember?

You going off it?

No, actually, I quite like the crisis.

I like proving what an absolute brick I am.

I just wish you'd be more realistic about Charlie. Yeah, well, he'll be out

couple of days. Oh, my... Yes, well, I'd better get off now.

You never know.

If I start work and they start dinner, they might take pity on me and pass me

out a bowl of scraps.

May I help you?

Oh, Mr. Miller again.

Yes, I was telling the truth.

Yes, I suppose it does make a bit of a change these days. Very kind of you to

say so.

Oh, look, Mr. Miller, does this mean to say we've got the job after all?

Provided we can do it by tomorrow.

Oh, thank you.

Goodbye.

Oh, you look wet.

Oh, no, no, no.

Did you get your plate of scraps?

No, a glass of water.

And they're expecting me to knock something off the bill for using their

light.

Supper's only got to be heated up. Oh, you shouldn't have waited up. Oh, I

didn't mind.

Oh, Sultan.

By the way, Mr Miller phoned back.

We've still got the... Sure. Oh, good.

Well, I think we can do it tomorrow.

It is tomorrow, isn't it?

I'm sorry I nagged about Charlie, Mike. Oh, I put that down to combat fatigue.

Just that I wish you'd be more realistic.

I promised I'd keep his job open for him. How long?

Till he's better.

Mike.

Charlie's an old man who's had a fairly severe heart attack. He isn't going to

get better.

Not properly better, anyway.

Have you ever tried hospital visiting? You'd be a real tonic to the patients.

I just wish you'd face fact.

It's as tough as old boots, Charlie.

Well, even old boots wear out. Well, he's got to be given a chance.

To do what? His normal speed was dead slow.

If he comes back, he's going to grind to a complete halt.

Is the supper ready yet?

Mules? They're not in it.

He's worked late before.

What I mind is him working late because he won't face up to the facts about

Charlie. No.

As far as company goes in the evening, that's a washout. He comes in, says

hello, sits down and drops off.

I wish Phil would.

make everything perfect well yes well it's not all it's cracked up to be and

i've got another seven months of it in store you're just feeling depressed

of the end result if i think of the end

together.

Of it?

What?

Oh, it?

Right off.

Of it?

Yes.

Well, it's not that important, is it? Well, to me, I like it.

Well, I used to. When I was a proper, unpregnant woman, I liked it.

Not now, though.

I'll stop him all right.

Hello,

Laura. Where's Helen? She's in there. Just a minute.

I've got something to say to you.

All right, shoot.

Helen is my sister.

Is she?

I'm talking about, is it really that important?

Is what?

Sex.

Well, it isn't the end of the world, you know. I mean, is it such a great

sacrifice to go without it for a while?

No. You have a bare face of frontry to stand there and say no.

I'll sit down and say it if you like.

You've got the wrong end of the stick, it's a habit of yours.

Then why is my sister so upset?

Look, I'll tell you, it's you.

What right have you got to make her feel so guilty? Good Lord, it isn't a whim

on her part. It's something to do with pregnancy.

Something which you obviously don't understand.

Oh, yes, I do.

Sexual desire, or libido, if you like, is often reduced during pregnancy,

especially during the first 14 weeks.

Yes, something like that.

That's roughly it. In other words, I know what I'm talking about and you

Oh, don't shift your ground. I'm not shifting my ground. You're up the paddle

without a creak. Creak without a paddle.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, Helen, but somebody's got to make this sex maniac understand how

you're feeling.

That's why I feel so rotten.

Come on, come on. It's all right.

If you pretended very hard that I hadn't been here today,

I would appreciate it.

Look, Mr Miller, I think you and I have reached an understanding whereby you

know I don't lie to you, I don't flannel. I do tell you the exact truth.

Yes, so I'm happy to tell you that Mr. Selway's left five minutes ago and is on

his way to you now.

Yes. Goodbye.

Oh,

Charlie.

What are you doing?

Well, I thought I'd be totally self -indulgent.

Take ten whole minutes off for me lunch.

But you can't.

I've got Mr. Miller to the point where I tell him the truth and he believes me.

And I've told him you left five minutes ago.

You always tell him the truth.

I'll eat on the way.

Oh, by the way, I'll be late again tonight.

Charlie was discharged from hospital this morning and I thought I'd pop round

and see him.

What?

Haven't you anything to say?

No. Nothing at all?

No.

Don't look so suspicious.

I am capable of not rushing in with an opinion. Oh, yes? When was this?

One more remark like that and I'll ring Mr Miller and tell him you left two

hours ago.

Give my luck to Charlie.

It's fine, it's fine.

Do you want one?

No.

How fine is fine?

Well, very much his old self, really.

Didn't have a good word to say about the hospital, doctors, nurses, the food. He

even grumbled because some kind soul had his cap cleaned for him.

When's he coming back to work?

You know, it's hard to imagine that you're the same girl who cried her eyes

over Bambi.

Look, I'm just worried for you, Mike. I mean, you're asleep on your feet half

the time. Yes, I know. Anyway, you cried.

I had something in me eye. Oh, liar.

I did drop a few hints to Charlie, you know, about keeping his job open for

What did he say?

He said he'd call a strike if I didn't.

Not even any union.

He didn't look too grand.

He looked smaller.

Well, he wasn't very big in the first place.

And he looked old.

I've never looked upon Charlie as being old before. I mean, I know he is, but

I've always just thought of him as Charlie.

Peter Pan in a flat cap.

Anyway, he sent his love to you. He said, give my love to Bossy Boots.

So all this boils down to is the fact that you reckon he'll be back to work.

Except to say I don't think he will.

But you didn't. Well, no, no. How could I? No, how could you?

Anyway, it'll sort itself out.

Oh, yes.

Sooner or later.

Or later.

ever told you anything she might not have told me.

What?

Mike, we're very fond of you, we really are, but you simply must stop this habit

of coming round first thing in the morning asking us bizarre questions.

Hmm?

Well, I had to brush your mouth, didn't I?

What?

Well, I don't know a thing.

I'd bet you told Phil things that you wouldn't tell Laura.

I can't think of any.

Oh, yeah.

Well, that was...

No, I mean serious things.

Well, when she was ten, she told me she wanted to be a missionary. Oh, lately. I

mean lately.

Now, look here, Mike.

I'm not disclosing any of Laura's confidences, assuming there are any,

your being more specific.

It's a bit personal.

Well, do you want to write it down? Is she

pregnant?

Well, I certainly don't. Neither do I.

Laura would know.

Of course she would. Well, then be devious.

Ask her.

She'd tell me if she were, wouldn't she?

Well, what makes you think she might be?

She was reading a book.

No, that's not how it happens, though.

What sort of book?

About pregnancy.

Of that book?

Well, that's mine. I lent it to her. Why?

Well, we had our little, uh...

I discussed with him the other day about Helen. About me?

Yeah, and Laura discovered that women don't automatically know everything

pregnancy. Some women.

Yeah, some women.

So I lent it to her.

Oh, well, that must be it then.

Unless... Yes.

Oh, thanks.

Anyway, I'd better get off to work.

Thanks for the coffee.

Cheers, mate.

He's living with her, and if he hasn't got the gumption to ask her himself, he

deserves to sweat a little.

She probably doesn't want the subject raised at all.

She wouldn't, would she?

Well, it has been known.

What, without telling him?

Well, it has been known as well.

You know, I'm not sure that pregnancy is all it's cracked up to be.

No.

Maybe I'm not naturally maternal.

Probably not.

Helen is.

She really wants this baby, but even she... I mean, if Helen can't cope, what

chance do I stand?

Do.

Well, would.

Would.

You seem very concerned about Kentis.

Aren't you?

Why should I be? Because there is a considerable difference between do and

would. A very important difference.

So is it do?

Or would.

Is what?

Are you pregnant?

Of course I'm not pregnant.

Who's that?

Well, it's hardly what you call light reading, is it?

Well, if I was reading a book on mountaineering, you wouldn't assume I

to go tearing up the nearest elk, would you?

Why were you reading it, then? To be supportive for Helen.

Suddenly I realised I didn't know what to be supportive about.

Well, I wouldn't bring a baby on you, Mike.

I mean, something we'd have to decide, something we'd have to talk about.

We'd have to want one.

Oh, don't do it.

No.

I don't think so.

Come in.

Mr Selway, is it?

Yes. Can I help you? I'm Jessie Harris, Charlie's sister.

Is he all right?

Oh, he's all right, all right, sitting there giving his orders.

I don't think you'd be bothered. Yeah.

Do you mind if I sit down?

My leg's giving me jitters. No, no, no, of course.

How I got it all the way up here from Romford, I'll never know.

Any tea in the pot?

I'll get some.

It's funny, I heard you down as a big woman.

Oh, sorry.

He's sitting there like Lord Muck giving his orders. Do this, do that, run here,

run there.

I haven't been able to run anywhere since the coronation.

Oh, child, very much.

Charlie said it wasn't Buckingham Palace.

Mrs Harris, did Charlie ask you to come here? Oh, told me.

What about?

About keeping his job open. Oh, well, I'm going to do that.

Well, you must be darker than you look.

him the other night.

Well, I thought he looked pretty chipper.

Chipper? Well, considering... There'll always be a place for Charlie here. He

knows that. You're as daft as he is.

Charlie won't be coming back.

Well, I would have thought that was for Charlie to say.

Right. Yes.

Only typical Charlie. He gets somebody else to do the dirty work for him. But

when I saw him the other night... Artair.

Well, not just Artair.

He didn't want to let you down.

Good old Charlie.

Silly old fool.

What will he do?

He's coming to live with me in a bungalow at Romford.

He'll be all right.

We row all the time, but we've always got oddly in trouble.

If he thinks he's going to be a permanent convalescent, he's got another

coming. I want you to come himself.

So do I.

Oh, I think he would have, only he likes you.

He asked me to give you this.

Oh.

Perhaps I should give him something.

You already did.

I can't think of many who'd have put up with Charlie as long as you did.

Well, I'll best be off.

Well, can I get you a cab or something?

No, thanks.

If Charlie's coming to live, I've got to get used to dacking round.

Tell him, tell him, give him my bed.

And mine.

Of course I will.

Bye -bye, then.

Bye. Goodbye, Mrs. Hayes.

Yeah,

I nearly forgot.

He said the teapot was his.

We're catching up, Mike.

Only two weeks behind now.

I wonder what the new bloke will be like.

Have you got one?

No, I just wonder what he'll be like.

How about a compulsive worker?

That'll do.

You look whacked. Why don't you go to bed?

Oh, no, I've been so busy lately.

I've hardly seen anything of you.

All we ever seem to talk about is work.

All right, let's chat.

Charlie will be all right. Oh, my.

Sorry.

I've owned Helen this afternoon.

How is she?

Much better.

I didn't know she'd been ill.

Well, not ill exactly, just a bit peculiar.

Does Phil know?

Oh, yes, he knows.

Yeah, he knows all right.

It worried me for a bit, seeing Helen so off -balance. I mean, it borders on the

unnerving.

Oh, of course, those hormonal changes during pregnancy do have some side

effects.

How did you know that?

I read it in that book. Oh, that book.

Puts you right off, doesn't it?

Yes. Those diagrams are the worst.

Yes.

Mind you, when you think of the end result... I mean, when you think of Phil

Helen with a little fillet or Helenette... I mean, I... I don't know,

I'm probably being silly, but round about my age, perhaps you start to

soon it'll be too late, and then... do you regret it?

I don't know.

I've thought about it a lot lately, Mike.

It would help to talk about it.

I'm not sure. I mean, I'm... I'm really not sure, but I'm beginning to think

that I really would like a baby.

On the other hand, I could always settle for a budgerigar.

Nothing, nothing.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance with no nestling. We two are just as

prickly as cactus plants.

Love hasn't got a chance.

This is a fine romance.