Original subtitles

They have no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with those same old ways.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends at...

I mean, no place child.

That comes to a grand total of $240 .26.

Three weeks of fundraising, and that's all we got?

Mm -hmm. You sure you didn't skim some off the top?

Very funny, Pearl.

Shoot, we got 75 kids in the hospital that need cheering up.

I was sure hoping we'd get more than $240.

Well, we can't wait any longer to shop for the toys.

I sure hope they like yo -yos.

Rose!

Was that a new pocketbook I saw you with this morning?

What have we got to do?

I don't know, babe. Toys for kids is a good idea, but money's tight for a lot

people. Ain't that the truth.

Hey, I got an idea.

Instead of buying toys for the kids, why don't we go down and entertain them?

Oh, yeah.

Honey, you could dress up like a clown.

You mean a real clown?

Yeah. With a big red nose, floppy shoes and a seltzer bottle? Yeah.

Forget it.

Here comes our second disaster.

Hi, Mary. I want you to meet Andrew.

Say hello.

I'm donating him to your toy drive.

Aw, look, Rose.

Oh, he's cute.

A lot cuter than the guy who gave him to me.

And taller.

Okay. What do you want?

Oh. Mary Jenkins, I'm shocked, I'm appalled, and I'm hurt by your attitude.

Can you give me a lift to the mall?

The toy store's right there.

Come on in.

Thanks. Hi, how you doing? Hi, Sandra.

Hi, Sandra.

Shopping again?

Uh -huh, I need a new outfit. I got the date of my lifetime tonight.

Isn't that your third date of the lifetime this week?

It's been a slow week.

Well, we better get going.

Yep, we gotta get going, too. We gotta kick that train.

Yeah, y 'all better hurry up. because that toy store closes at 5 o 'clock.

No, it doesn't. It closes at 6 on Saturday. 5.

6?

5. I don't know, because that's where I get my baseball cards, honey.

Oh, honey, they're closed.

Yeah, Pearl was right. They're closed at 5.

We're closed.

You must have missed the sign.

Well, the hospital's not closed, and those children need toys.

All right, but just keep the racket down, okay?

See? Everybody likes kids.

Come on, hurry up.

Hurry up.

Say, we really appreciate this. Just make it fast, okay? Come on.

Excuse me.

What would you recommend for sick children?

Just tell them to eat all their veggies and get a lot of rest, all right?

Funny, very funny.

You don't have time for funny, lady. Just shop, okay?

What's his problem?

He probably wants to get home.

Oh, excuse me.

Listen,

are the eyes on this teddy bear secure?

Look, I don't know, lady. I haven't played with teddy bears since I was, you

know, 30 or something.

Now, could you tell me what the price...

Listen, I'll tell you, if you're out of here in three minutes, you can have

whatever you can take here for free.

Free, really?

Yeah, I'm a sucker for kids. Oh, you're a... Yeah, just, uh, just, uh, make it

fast. Three minutes, all right? Huh?

Okay, honey, start grabbing. And you wanted to give up at the door.

Say, uh, what happened to your wall?

Oh, uh...

That wall there?

Yeah. Yeah, it's, you know, a little repair work. We had a water leak.

Ooh, you better get it fixed before somebody thinks you're trying to break

the store next door.

You know, I really didn't want to do this, lady, but... We've taken up too

much of your time. No, no, no.

You'll have to get back.

He's a burglar.

I ain't a burglar, lady. I'm a robber.

What's the difference?

About ten years.

Whoa. You, uh, you expecting somebody?

Uh, yeah. My cousin, the police chief.

Oh.

Don't mess with me, lady. I mean it. Don't. All right?

Can't anybody read signs anymore?

I'll listen. Whoa!

Boy, toy stores just knock me out.

This is Pee Wee Herman.

Great. Who we need is Sylvester Stallone.

Pee Wee, what are you doing in Washington?

Oh, hi. I'm doing a show here tonight. All my props got lost at the airport.

What I need the most is a ray gun.

Excuse me, could I have my gun back, please?

No, no, no, no, no. Give me the gun, give me it. Come on, come on, come on.

He said, please.

No, wait, wait.

That's a real gun. He's a robber.

He doesn't look like a bad guy. Yeah, well, I can look a whole lot badder, you

know. Does your mother know you're doing this?

Who are you, Oprah Winfrey or something?

All right, come on, everybody in the storeroom, quick.

I love your show, Miss Winfrey.

I mean, I'm going to be late for my show. Everyone's going to be mad at me.

Don't worry. I'll write you a tardy note.

Would you?

Oh, honey, what are we going to do?

Just be calm.

I know.

Hey, there's three of us.

Why don't we overpower him?

Now, Mary, it'd be my pleasure to kick that guy's butt, but let's face it, he's

got a gun.

We sure picked a dumb time to not be invisible.

Oh, honey, I don't want to be here.

Me either.

I love you, honey.

I love you, too.

Oh.

Sandra. What about Sandra? She's coming back here to meet us to get a ride home.

That's right.

She'll come back here, see the place is closed, see our car, wonder where we

are, get suspicious, and call the police. Yeah.

You expect Sandra to think of all of that?

Forget it.

Besides, even if she did call the police, if they're cute, she'd just take

dancing.

Well, don't sell her short. You might be able to make your show yet.

Boy, I hope so. I've never been late in my life.

That's why I wear a watch.

It's full of water.

Yeah, it's waterproof. I wear it in the shower, and so far, not a single drop

has leaked out.

Take my day.

The man is armed and dangerous. Freeze.

Sandra, I'm high.

This gentleman was kind enough to tell me where you were. I thought he was

trying to lure me.

I won't let him harm one single strand of your great big hair.

Look, I just want you to all shut up and just keep this noise down, all right?

Noise! That's what we need! We need more noise!

He's got a gun!

A gun? Where? I don't see a gun.

Right here. Oh, I see it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Ho, ho, ho!

I trust this little concert is over, huh?

I mean, what does peewee stand for anyway?

Brain size?

I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

You tell him, peewee.

Look, you, you, you, you person, you can lock us up and threaten us till the

cows come home, but you'll never be able to break our spirit.

You and your big mouth.

fantasize about things like this, but I was always tired to cool in the game.

Ow! Mary pinched me.

Well, you two grew up. We got a serious situation here.

Hey, listen.

I don't hear anything.

Me neither. I think that robber's gone.

You know, I think you're right.

He is right.

Now we can, we can, we can rot in here. That's what we can do.

Come on, boy.

Miss Jenkins, remember, a smile is just a frown turned upside down.

Oh, great.

He's doing fortune cookies and I'm standing here looking like Kunta Kinte.

Come on, everyone.

The right attitude is important.

Sometimes they act really silly.

Oh, honey.

I just had a terrible thought.

Rose and Pearl went to Virginia and Brenda's at a slumber party.

I'm afraid not, PBC.

I don't date in the middle of a holdup, you know?

Well, I want you to know I respect you for that.

Only get out of these darn ropes.

Don't worry, Sandra.

I'll get us loose.

I wish my pet goat was here. It could chew through anything.

He ain't my Toyota.

Even if we got loose, we couldn't get out.

The door's bolted from the other side.

Hey, look.

What? Behind those boxes over there, isn't that a back door?

You're right.

Wait a minute.

I... I think I'm... I'm loose.

I tied through my knots.

All right, TV.

How'd you do that?

Oh, I was in the Beaver Scouts for three years. Guys used to tie me up all the

time.

Patience, Gunter.

These chains are a real bummer, Mr. Jenkins.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I wish I could help, but I wasted my wish on the first star tonight.

What did you wish for?

I wished I would meet a beautiful woman.

And I did.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Mary, getting shot is sounding better and better all the time.

Would you two cut the chit -chat? What we need is a way out of here.

Wait a minute. I got an idea.

What is it?

No, probably won't work. What?

No, I don't think it'll work. What is it? We'll try anything. No.

What is it?

All right, I saw this in the movie once.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

Why don't you huff and puff and blow the house down?

It just slipped out. I'm sorry.

Can we see if you can find something? I'm helpless here. It's all up to you.

I won't fail you, Captain Kirk.

Okay, Captain Kirk.

Come on. Beam us out of here.

Hey, the ceiling's got a fire system.

So?

A flame would ignite the sprinkler system and an alarm.

Help could be here in a minute.

Yeah.

Sondra, you got a match?

I don't smoke.

I sizzle.

I'll get a drizzle for your sizzle.

Mary, check my back pocket. I think I got some.

Yeah.

Oh, there's only one match.

Then make it count.

Aye, aye, Captain Kirk.

Grew our chance to get some help.

I did? I'm sorry.

Sometimes sorry isn't enough.

All right, here's a dollar.

Now, look, I got another plan. You might have a chance to redeem yourself.

Name it, Mr. Jenkins. I'm your man.

Mary, do you think you can get that grate off of that vent?

Sure.

Now, unless I miss my guess, that air vent leads to ducks all over this

center. Now, I want you to get up in there, crawl along till you see

and maybe you can get into a store and get to a phone.

Oh, Lester, you're so smart.

Then why am I chained here to this post?

You want me to climb in there?

No way, Jose.

Why not?

Because it's creepy and scary in there.

Come on, Peewee, there's nothing to be afraid of. Are you kidding?

There might be giant lint balls in there. What if I crush the spider?

Peewee, I think you should know that Sondra is counting on you. Oh, she's

Peewee. You could be my great big knight in shining armor.

Okay, I'll do it.

For you, Sondra, I'd crush a billion spiders.

You said romance was dead.

I'm doing fine.

knows how to dial.

I'm going to give him a great big hug and a kiss. Well, maybe just a hug. I

don't want to push him past the limit, you know?

We're free!

It worked!

For a minute.

I never would have spotted him if he hadn't asked me for change for the

I'm sure you can imagine my embarrassment.

All right, if anybody tries this again, well, I wouldn't. I'm okay.

You know, I think I have a way to get past the burglar.

I use my feminine wives.

Oh, Lord.

No, Mary, when he's distracted, you can run out and scream for help.

I'll get shot.

Well, I haven't worked out all the bugs yet.

You know, Sondra, you may have something there.

Lester! Once Sondra gets going, there's not a man on this earth that can resist

her. Oh?

Except for me, I mean, because you're the woman that my life is.

Proceed. Okay, here's the plan. Sandra, you maneuver him over here past me.

I'll kick the gun out of his hand.

I think I got just enough leeway to get him in the headlight.

Mary, you grab the gun, but don't get near him. And Pee -wee. Yeah.

Stay out of the way.

Let's do it.

A hunt for freedom.

What, um, what'd you have in mind?

Well, what say you and me blow this pop stand together?

Huh?

I could be your mall.

You know, these guys were trained to pick out the finest in jewelry, precious

gems, furs.

Go ahead, look at them eyes. Look, go ahead.

You know, how about it? We'd be the best combos as Bonnie and Clyde. Not the

real ones. They was ugly, you know.

Warren Beatty, you know, you look like him a little bit.

If they done away, I look like him.

Like I just got off the turnip truck or what?

All right, now I've had it. No more playing games.

Oh, Mary, come on, do something.

Look,

we're expected at the Regency room in 20 minutes. And if we're not there, the

whole world is going to be looking for us. We're very important people. Oh,

yeah? Who are you?

I'm Gladys Knight, and these are my pips.

no rescue party for this, I'll tell you that.

Yo!

Punk!

Cute, huh? Real cute.

Pete, when will you stop? Then you're gonna get yourself killed!

Okay, nerd.

Just keep it up, you know. Just keep it up. Now my secret weapon.

This is probably one of the most interesting heists that I've...

That $2 ,000 reward is going to buy a lot of toys for the kids in the

Yeah. And you know what would really be great? If you could go and visit the

kids. Yeah. Hey, why not?

Hey, that would be great. They'd love it.

You know, PB, you are really so sweet.

I know you are, but what am I?

Hey, Sondra, now that we're so close, how about having dinner with me tonight?

I'll take you to the Petit Chateau.

Well, do we have to eat children's portion?

Mm -hmm.

Then, a moonlit ride along the Potomac.

Just you, me, and my silver shadow.

Oh, I'll go get changed.

You know, I've always wanted to know a man who owns a silver shadow.

Y 'all want to see it? Yeah.

Come on, it's right outside.

What's a silver shadow?

Oh, it's the top of the line Rolls Royce.

wait to see you riding up on these handlebars.