Original subtitles

[rock music]

* *

(woman on speaker phone) Are you listening to me, Michael?

Affirmative.

What did I just say?

You just said-- Let me, uh...

check my notes.

You just said...

Alan and I have created an incentive program--

Hey! Hey, how is Alan?

Tell Alan that the Mets suck. Okay?

From me, big time. Go, Pirates!

Not gonna do that, Michael.

We've created an incentive program to increase sales.

Uh-huh.

At the end of the month, you can reward your top seller

with a prize worth up to $1,000.

Whoa, howdy ho.

Wow, 1,000 big ones. That's cool.

Do I, uh, do I get to pick the prize?

Uh...yes. Yes, you can.

Um, question:

Does "top salesman" include people who were at one time

such outstanding salesmen that they've been promoted to--

No, Michael.

No, you can't win this prize.

I didn't mean me.

Hi. Hi.

Good. I'm Katy.

Hi. Hi.

Nice to meet you. What's your name?

Pam. Hi, nice to meet you, Pam.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you read a lot of fashion magazines?

'Cause you really look fashion-forward,

and I just wanted to let you know--

Hi, how are you? Hi.

I have a great opportunity today

to get in on some of the newest styles,

'cause I know with your working hours,

you don't really probably have a chance

to go to the mall very often.

So what I have to offer you today

is some excellent purses.

And if I could just have a space to set up,

maybe show you what I have and some of your other, um--

(Pam) Um... Here, feel that.

Yeah, I--yeah. I really brightens you.

Don't you think that gives her a nice color?

(Angela) Uh, I don't--um...

No, I really-- it really suits you.

Um, I've got faux leather.

I have some really great fakes.

You wouldn't even be able to tell the difference.

Just like all the movie stars--

I don't wanna interrupt you-- um, sorry.

It--um, we don't usually allow solicitors in the office.

Well, I'm actually selling purses.

Right, I-- no, that's what I mean.

I don't--I can't-- I'm just the receptionist.

I can't authorize you to, like, come in and set up or anything.

Okay, is there somebody that I could talk to?

Like, who would authorize? Is that you?

Well, first, what we have to do

is find out what motivates people more than anything else.

Sex.

It's illegal. I can't do that.

Next best thing.

Torture.

Come on, Dwight.

Just help me out here.

That's stupid.

Um, Michael--

Pam!

Hey, there's-- Burger with cheese!

There's a person here-- And fries!

There's-- And shake!

What? Go ahead.

There's a person here who wants to sell handbags.

No, no, no. No vendors in the office.

That is a distraction.

Okay, I told her you'd talk to her at least--

Pam, come on, I'm busy.

So just tell her to go away.

Okay.

[sighs]

All right, I'll talk to her.

This one is hand-embroidered.

All right, girls, break it up.

You're being infiltrated.

Cock in the henhouse.

Cocks in the henhouse. Don't say cocks.

Oh! [clears throat]

[British accent] What is your name, my fair lass?

Katy.

Ah, Katy. Wow, look at you!

You are, uh, you're like the new and improved Pam.

Pam 6.0.

[laughing] Oh, look!

Oh, hey, no cat fights, you two.

I'm against violence in the workplace.

So am I. Nobody cares what you think.

Doesn't matter.

So, uh, you know what?

I usually don't allow solicitors in the office.

But today, I am going to break some rules.

And you can have the conference room.

It's yours, all day.

Wow, thanks.

There's an HR meeting in there at 11:30.

Well, let's put them in the hallway.

We'll give them some chairs.

Right? Decisiveness!

One of the keys to success,

according to Small Businessman.

I do, I read Small Businessman.

I also subscribe to USA Today,

and American Way, um, magazine.

That's the in-flight magazine.

Some great articles in that.

They did this great profile last month

of Doris Roberts,

and where she likes to eat when she's in Phoenix.

Illuminating.

This is my conference room.

So please, uh, make yourself at home.

Whatever you need,

I'm right on the other side of this wall.

Used to be a window here.

There's not anymore.

So that's where I will be.

So... [clears throat]

If you need anything else,

something to make you more comfortable...

Just don't hesitate to ask.

I'm right here.

I'm fine.

Okay. But I'm here.

If you need me. whatever you want.

Nope, nothing.

Come on. Something.

There's something.

Come on! There's something.

I guess a cup of coffee would be great.

Wait a second!

Ah! I should have spotted another addict.

Oh, gotta love the 'Bucks!

What?

It's like a slang for Starbucks.

They're all over the place.

Oh, man, that place is like the promised land to me.

What a business model too.

Oh, too bad we don't have the good stuff here.

Regular coffee is fine.

No, it's not, it's--

No, really, it is.

No, here's the thing.

You know, I do my best to--

to be my own man, and, uh...

go by the beat of a different drummer.

And nobody gets me.

And they're always putting up walls,

and I'm always tearing them down.

Just breaking down barriers. That's what I do all day.

So...a coffee.

Regular coffee. For you.

High test or unleaded?

Bring it on.

Ooh, ho! Whoo!

I will, I'll bring it on! All right!

You know, you don't wanna say,

"Oh, people find me charming," but...

because that's probably not charming to say that.

But I think people do.

So...are you jealous

'cause there's another girl around?

No.

She's prettier than you, though.

That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin.

(Kelly) Here's the thing what Travers does that in his last job,

he made twice that I think we can offer.

[shouts]

Can I see that? Yeah.

Okay, [indistinct].

You know, when Sanderson came in,

he mentioned his old boss,

and I thought he sounded like

he might have some recommendations.

So you--

I see you like the periwinkles and the purples.

Looks local, but hot local.

[scoffs] You kidding?

If she was local, I would've had her a long time ago.

I think she's foreign-born.

[indistinct chatter]

Really?

Yeah. You see those calves?

Sinewy.

Definitely western European stock.

The purse girl hits everything on my checklist.

Creamy skin, straight teeth,

curly hair, amazing breasts--

not for me, for my children.

The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.

This is really well made.

Good stitching. Excellent fabric.

You sell a lot of these?

It's very popular, yeah.

I knew it. Is it waterproof?

I'm not sure. It's faux snakeskin.

Snakes are waterproof,

so I'm betting that it's waterproof.

Do you know the difference between a snake and an eel?

No.

'Cause I could look it up really easily.

You're really into reptiles, huh?

My belt is made out of alligator, check it out.

Oh, um, it's okay. Dwight, Dwight!

Okay, that's it. Keep it in your pants.

I was just showing her my belt. Well, don't do that.

Where are your glasses? I--

He wears glasses. Did you know that?

Not all the time.

Well, now, suddenly he can see.

[laughs] Okay, take off.

See ya. Bye-bye.

There you go!

Nice, steaming hot cup of joe.

Thank you. Oh, I know. Your hero.

Yeah, saving you from Animal Planet Jack over there.

[both laugh]

He asks a lot of questions.

Yeah, yeah, he is the worst.

Um, I have an idea.

Why don't I introduce you around?

You know, you can kind of get your foot in the door,

meet potential clientele, right?

Gosh, I'm-- I would love to,

but my purses, I should, um--

Oh, um, well, we can have Ryan take a look.

Ryan, would you look after the purses, please?

Uh, I'm installing file share on all the computers.

Yeah, well, blah dee blooh dah blah blah.

Techno babble.

Just do it, okay? We have company, right?

Here we go.

Thank you.

The perfect girl for me would be Konikotaka.

She has the most amazing story.

She was orphaned at the age of ten

when both her parents were assassinated,

and she was taken in by a wealthy

but very cruel businessman,

so she practiced aikido in secret for years

until she could avenge the death of her parents.

You should sell a lot here,

because this branch made over $1 million last year.

Not that we're all millionaires.

I'm probably closest, so...

Here's Oscar! Oscar, this is Katy.

I'm on the phone.

Ooh, ooh, oh, Oscar the Grouch.

Right? I thought of that.

That was on Sesame Street.

I know, I know, I know.

I made the connection.

Can you believe he'd never heard that

before he worked here?

No, I don't believe that.

I know, it's unbelievable.

It's nice having Katy around.

It's another person for Michael to, um...

interact with.

I mean, whatever one you want.

Um, I like that one, I think.

Okay.

Yeah, I mean, it looks really good, probably--

Thank you, Al Gore for the Internet.

You can send messages from one side of the globe

to the other in the blink of an eye.

Can you believe we couldn't do that ten years ago?

We could do that ten years ago.

Right, but 20 years ago we couldn't, and that is amazing.

Here is Toby from Human Resources.

Katy, Toby.

Toby, Katy! Hi, nice to meet you.

Did you go to Bishop O'Hara?

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

Cool. What year were you there?

'89. Toby's divorced.

He, uh...God.

Recently, right?

Yeah. You and your wife?

And you have kids? A girl.

Oh, that's so...

That was really messy.

You slept one night in your car too?

I should probably

get back to my table.

Okay, all right.

Cool. See you in a bit.

Oh! Hey, she's cute.

Cutie pie. Back to work!

I live by one rule.

No office romances, no way.

Very messy, inappropriate.

No.

But...

I live by another rule.

Just do it. Nike.

Hey, Jimmy, what do you think

about that little purse girl, huh?

Cute, sure, yeah.

Why don't you get on that?

She's not really my type.

What, are you gay?

Mmm, I don't think so, no.

(Kevin) Well, what is your type?

Moms...primarily.

Yep, soccer moms, single moms, NASCAR moms.

Any type of mom, really.

That's disgusting.

(Kevin) Stay away from my mom.

Too late, Kev.

Oh.

Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam.

We're not dating, we're engaged.

Engaged, yeah.

(Jim) Pam and I are good buddies.

I'm sort of Pam's go-to guy

for her problems.

You know, with stuff like work

or, uh, her fiancé Roy.

Or, um...

Nope, those are pretty much her only two problems.

(Jim) She'd be perfect for you.

(Dwight) Mmm.

She's been talking to Michael a lot.

So what?

You're Assistant Regional Manager.

Assistant to the Regional Manager.

Well, you know what, Dwight?

He's your work boss, okay?

He is not your relationship boss.

That's true.

Plus, you have so much more

to talk to this girl about.

You're both, um, salesmen.

I mean, that's something right there.

True.

Plus, I could talk to her

about the origins of my last name.

It's all gold.

Guys are usually my best customers.

They buy the high-end stuff,

like the beads and the sequins and stuff,

for gifts, you know.

They don't know what they're looking at,

so I make suggestions.

All right, here's the thing, okay?

You just keep talking to her.

If you hit a stall, you have a perfect fallback.

What's that? You buy a purse.

I don't want a purse. Purses are for girls.

Dwight, that's not necessarily true.

Do you read GQ?

No. Okay, I do.

They're like mini briefcases, all right?

Lots of guys have them.

Like those? Yes!

Listen, you are spending way too much time

talking to me when you could be talking to her.

Okay, I'm just gonna use the bathroom and then--

No, you don't need the bathroom.

You've got it. Go.

[whispering] Okay, shh. Stop.

Stop whatever you're doing,

'cause this is going to be good.

(Jim) [high voice mimicking] Hi, my name is Dwight Schrute,

and I would like to buy a purse from you.

Good Lord, look at these purses!

This is something special.

Oh, my God, is this Salvatore Dacinni purse?

Oh, definitely--definitely step in and out of it like that.

(Jim) Yes, well, I want to stress test it.

You know,

in case anything happens.

Oh! Oh!

[laughing] That was really--

This is necessary to do

to really give it a good workout.

This is the--ooh.

This is the prettiest one of all.

I'm gonna be the prettiest girl in the ball.

Oh, how much?

Oh, God, it's sad.

It's so sad.

It is sad. Oh.

You know, Michael's been talking to her too.

Oh, really?

What do you think his chances are?

Well, Pam, I'm not gonna lie to you.

His chances are none.

Um, he's 41 years old.

He is losing his hair.

And his cell phone ring is "Mambo No. 5.," so...

(Pam) I like that song.

I don't know, though. I mean, you know--

that was a hit, you know?

Ten years ago.

Yeah, was it ten?

Yeah, I have it on a mixtape from junior high.

Oh.

[giggling]

He did pick a good one.

You're horrible.

This one's really good for a hot date.

Yeah, what's that?

[both laugh]

I'm engaged.

Oh, congratulations.

You need a hot date more than anyone.

Oh, I wish, right?

Giggle, giggle, shooshy, shooshy.

I get it, I get it.

Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhoodover here.

Right?

So, how was that coffee from earlier?

It was good.

Ah, I knew it.

Guzzled it down. You greedy little thing.

So, uh, Pam, is this your lunch break

or was that earlier,

when you were eating in the kitchen with those guys?

[gasps] Sorry.

Busted.

[laughs]

Come back? Oh, hey!

I wanna show you something.

Come here. I wanna show you something.

I know you are gonna like this.

Picked it up today. 1,000 big ones.

Is that from Starbucks?

Yes, this is a Starbucks Digital Barista.

This is the mack daddy of espresso makers.

Wow, is that for the office?

Oh, I know what you're thinking.

Ooh, you're not prying this out of my hands.

[laughs]

But don't tempt me, 'cause I'll give it to you.

I wouldn't think of it.

Coffee is the great "incentivizer" in the office.

It's a drug-- it is quite literally a drug

that speeds people up.

It's not the only drug that speeds people up.

You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the '80s

before everybody knew how bad cocaine was.

Gah--man, did they move paper!

Oh, the rotating, uh, steam...wand.

What? What's the matter?

Oh, nothing. My ride just bailed on me.

Oh, oh, God, I'm sorry.

Is it-- Oh, no, it's--

Where you going? Nearby?

Because I could give you a ride.

No. Sure?

I don't wanna inconvenience you.

No, no, no, no, no! No inconvenience.

I mean, I'm out of here at 5:00 sharp.

At 5:00? I can go earlier, 'cause I'm the boss.

You know, whatever. I'm outta here...slaves. Okay.

What?

Okay. Okay!

I guess that would be-- I guess that would be okay.

Okay, sounds good, sounds good.

5:00 sharp, I will give you and your purses a ride home.

Okay, cool. Excellent.

Right! Great!

Cool. Cool!

Cool!

Nyah, okay.

Why do women find Michael Scott attractive?

Why do women appeal to Michael Scott?

Um, I guess because I'm an authority figure.

Because I have a lot of power.

Women are attracted to that.

That's appealing to women.

Um, I think I'm a little bit of a bad boy.

There's a little mystery to me.

I don't just lay it all out there, I think.

Um, you know, you have to hold something back.

Um, I don't think I'm too shabby to look at.

Um, I wouldn't kick me out of bed for eating crackers.

Um, but I guess--I think my comedy really is the--

is the topper, um...

That's the way to get in, you know?

I think that's really what's-- What's the saying?

"Once they're laughing, they're--that's--"

Once they're laughing, that 50% of them

being horizontal? So...

Not that--I'm just--

Not that that's my-- that's what I'm trying to do,

but I think it helps, kind of melts the ice.

Breaks the ice--melts.

Breaks the ice and melts them. Melts their hearts.

Went well?

I think it did.

You know what? Just in case she's looking,

you should put some stuff in there.

Seriously?

Anything.

Good.

Yup.

Oh, Post-it notes.

Wow, the purse holds a lot.

It's a mini briefcase.

Yeah. Oh, I know.

Looks great.

[clears throat]

Do you like Steve Miller? No.

'Cause I'm in a Steve Miller tribute--

tribute band.

I should never have let the temp touch this thing.

I had all these great icons,

and now I have four folders, so...

It's actually better this way.

No, it's not, because I could just

click on the icon and then I'm onto something--

Michael, could I ask you something?

I wanted to ask your permission to ask out Katy.

I know it's against the rules and everything--

No, no, no, it's not against the rules.

[clears throat]

She is not a permanent employee,

so it's not.

Thank you, Michael. I appreciate this so much.

But I think you should just know

that I am going to be giving her a ride home later.

What?

She asked me for a ride,

and so I'm going to give her a ride home.

Is that all it is?

Just a ride home?

Like a taxi cab?

Well, it might be a ride home.

Might be a ride home, and we stop for coffee and...

dot, dot, dot.

Please...please...

I am your inferior,

and I'm asking you this favor.

Can you promise me that it will just be a ride home?

No. I cannot promise.

You cannot promise me, or you won't promise me?

Listen, Dwight--

Do you love her?

[scoffs] Dwight, no.

I--I don't know.

It's too early to tell.

I--I don't know how I feel.

I think you've made a really good choice.

She's really gonna like that.

Hmm. Espresso?

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm!

Is that from the machine that was in your office?

Mm-hmm.

I thought that was the incentive prize

for the top sales person.

Very easy to clean.

Okay.

Like he's gonna win anyway.

[snickers] Right?

Hey, Dwight. I need your stapler.

It's in my purse. Oh, great, thanks.

Did we get any mail?

Yeah, I gave it to you.

Yes, you did. Yes, you did.

Just checking. Just checking, double checking.

Checking on the check.

Thoroughness is very important in an office, and--

So can I--

Yeah, yeah.

Of course.

Uh, Pam, one more thing.

Um, how do girls your age feel about futons?

(Jim) A futon?

He's a grown man.

That's what he said.

That's sad.

Or it's innovative.

Well, you know, the futon

is a bed and couch all rolled into one.

What's up?

Hi.

Are you still mad at me?

Roy...

Come on. Cut it out.

Come on, are you mad at me?

Stop it! Are you still mad at me now?

Cut it out. Are you mad at me now?

[laughing] Stop! Huh?

[laughing] Huh? Come on.

Come on, Pammy. Stop, I can't breathe.

I was just kidding. You know I didn't mean it.

[Pam laughing]

(Pam) Jim's a great guy.

He's like a brother to me.

We're, like, best friends in the office.

And I really hope he finds someone.

You seem to like to touch things.

You should try the velvet.

I don't like to necessarily touch things.

I'm just-- I'm shopping.

Oh, no, it's fine that you--

Here, what about the raspberry one?

It's really, um, kind of festive.

It's got a lot of personality.

Hey, how's it going? Hey.

Good, could I talk to you for a second, in private?

I don't think so. I'm really busy.

It'll just take a second. I can't.

Just for a minute. Please? I really can't.

I wanted to talk to you in private because

I wanted to ask you out on a date.

No.

Okay, was that "no" to talking to me in private

or was that "no" to the date?

Both.

What colors do you like?

(Angela) Gray, dark gray, charcoal.

Let me describe the perfect date.

I take her out to a nice dinner.

She looks amazing.

Some guy tries to hit on her.

[scoffs] Now he wants to fight.

So I grab him, I throw him into a jukebox.

Then the other ninja's got a knife--he comes at me.

We grapple. I turn his knife on him.

Blood on the dance floor.

She's scared now. I take her home.

I'm holding her in my arms.

I reach in for a kiss.

I hear something in the leaves.

I flip her around.

She gets a poison arrow right in her back.

She was in on it the whole time.

But I knew.

Ryan... Yeah?

Would you like to help me with a special project?

I would love to. Well, all right.

Okay, just throw out all the empties.

You don't want to recycle them?

Um...yes.

Throw them away in the recycling bin.

Do you want this?

No.

What about this bottle of power drink?

Uh, what flavor?

Blue.

Blue's not a flavor.

It says, "Flavor: Blue Blast."

Oh, Blue Blast, yes. Put that in the trunk.

And there should be an unopened Arctic Chill back there.

I want that in the passenger's cup holder.

Thank you.

Hi. Hi.

I'm Jim, by the way. I'm Katy.

Hi, Katy, nice to meet you.

You sit out there, don't you? I do.

That's what I'm best known for.

[laughs] Sitting out there.

All right, let's talk about purses.

Okay, um--

Katy, but, you know what?

Don't try to sell me one.

Okay, seriously.

Because I'm just here to learn.

Okay.

So I know about most of these, but-- Okay.

Whoa, stop! Whoa! That's my Drakkar Noir.

No, this says Rite Aid "Night Swept."

No, it is a perfect smell-alike.

I'm not paying for the label.

Right here, give it.

It's empty. No, it's not.

There's some in the straw.

There, now. You may throw it out.

Wow.

How many Filet-O-Fishes do you eat?

That's over several months, Ryan.

Still...

All right. That's looking good.

Hey, um, Ryan, do you have any music I can borrow?

What kind do you like?

[grunts] You know, everything, really.

I love it all. I love music.

Do you like hip-hop? Do you like indie rock?

Yes, I love both of those so much.

A lot of 'em. Okay.

Do you like The Strokes?

Mm-hmm. I like 'em.

Do you like The Hives?

Yes, God. They're awesome.

You like the Fleeples? The Glorps?

Uh-huh. Yup.

That last thing they did was great.

Yeah, I had a feeling you'd like those.

Cool, so maybe hook me up with some Fleeples

and some hive.

Absolutely. All right.

This is gonna be good.

What's up?

I'm bored.

Thank you for choosing me.

No, I'm kidding.

Um, so you got big plans this weekend?

Uh...well, I think I'm gonna see Katy.

Really?

Yeah.

What are you guys gonna do?

Oh, man, I don't know.

Uh, dinner, drinks, movie...

matching tattoos.

That's great. Big stuff.

That's, mmm. Yeah.

What are you doing?

I was gonna say I think that, um...

we're gonna help Roy's cousin move.

Okay. 'Cause Roy's got a truck.

That's cool.

Uh-huh.

Yes.

That is cool.

But I'll see you Monday, though, right?

Great.

Okay. Okay. I'm gonna head back.

All right.

(Michael) I think, in order to be a ladies' man,

it's imperative that people

don't know you're a ladies' man.

So I kind of play that close to the chest.

Ryan, where are my maps?

We don't like to flaunt it.

Where do I go to get maps?

I mean, but I'm not-- it's not like I'm showing off.

Ryan, what did you do to my computer?

I'm supposed to have maps, right?

But...

Where?

They see me as a big, powerful businessman here

who kinda swaggers around a little bit.

It's really not even fair.

I don't know, what can I say? Women are attracted to power.

And I think...

other people have told me I have a very symmetrical face.

[laughs]

I don't know. I don't know.

Maybe they're right. I don't know.

Hi. Here, you can have this.

It's a mini briefcase, but you can use it as a purse.

Uh, thank you.

(Michael) Sure you don't want me to help you with that?

'Cause I can grab that, no problem.

(Katy) Good night, it was nice to meet some of you.

See ya later! Good night!

Good night, Jim.

Good night, Michael.

Where you going?

I don't know. Grab a drink, I think.

With us?

I, um, I probably should have told you,

I don't need a ride now

'cause Jim can take me home after.

So you're off the hook.

Okay, great, off the hook. Excellent.

Okay, cool--all right. (Jim) I got this.

Have fun. Don't drink and drive.

Take it easy.

Have a good night. You too.

Have a good night! You got that?

Oh, yeah.

You sold a lot, so it's lighter.

I bet.

Well, here...

[clears throat loudly]

[engine turns]

All right, now, I'm gonna warn you.

Don't freak out, okay? Why?

This is a really nice car.

In case you haven't noticed, this is a Corolla, okay?

It's a very nice car.

So you're not gonna freak out?

(Michael) Do I have a special someone?

Uh, well, yeah, of course.

A bunch of 'em.

My employees.

If I had to choose between a one-night stand

with some stupid cow I pick up at a bar

and these people,

I'd pick them every time.

Because with them, it is an every day stand.

And I still know their names in the morning.

Doris Roberts.

Did you know, when she's in Phoenix,

she likes to eat at Harter's?

It's this, uh, it's, like, a barbeque place.

She loves barbeque. So I didn't know that before.

I read a profile of Corbin Bernsen.

And that man--

did you know that he used to play Little League?

Like, back--like--

see, I didn't-- I didn't see him as athletic.

I read a profile of Red Buttons.

Consummate entertainer.

I read a profile of Bronson Pinchot,

and his adventures in Tuscany-- it was great.

It was charming, it was funny, um...

But I learned something too.