All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s04e26 Up On The Roof

Come along, everyone. It's Winfred
Loudon and Ida Jacobsfield.

Come along.

Oh,

I'm sorry, Johnson. I don't have your
ticket. Oh, that's right. You're fired.

I'm sorry, old boy. I didn't mean to
tell you this way. I wanted to tell you

this way.

You're out!

Crummy feet.

Oh, nice.

Stuck behind you at a baseball game?

Ah, the crack of your ass and the roar
of your colon.

But on the bright side, B .B., you'll
have front row seats for the seventh

inning scratch.

O 'Brien, get the coffee.

Gary, where's Wick? He's downstairs
handing out baseball tickets. Oh, then

leave him a note.

would have killed that fly.

Oh, one more thing.

O 'Brien, my cushion is flat.

It's getting old.

God knows where it's been, but it should
be good for one more ball game. Blow it

up. I'll be right back.

Oh, my God.

I'm one step away from actually putting
my lips on her ass.

I'll stop Mimi.

Hey, everybody, guess who's here? The
most beautiful woman in the world.

Cher?

No, my mom.

Cher?

Someone else has finally taken my place
in your heart?

Come on, Mrs. Harvey, I'm almost middle
-aged. I think we can stop this little

crush game.

Well, last time we saw you, you were
getting ready to get married.

So, where's the new husband?

Oh, my God, you cut his throat?

No.

No, we decided to call it off.

Turns out he wanted to have kids.

There's no way I'm putting myself
through that living hell again.

No offending.

I was a big baby.

So what are you going to do now?

I'm moving back to Cleveland.

Yeah, she's going to open up her own
hair salon. I'm going to be her

With what?

Well, for my workers' comp money from
when I almost choked to death.

You never did tell me what happened,
honey. Well, I don't like to brag, but

because of me, they don't call those
little styrofoam packing things peanuts

anymore.

Yeah, and if this complaint about road
apples holds up, we're going to

Disneyland.

I got a good buy on a shop, and it's in
great condition, except it's got this

big hole in the roof.

Hey, she's my girlfriend. She's a
handywoman. She can fix anything.

Well, that sounds great.

I'm so glad you finally met someone
special.

Does she like Cher?

No, and I'm not obsessed by Cher.

All right, I'm sorry.

What's her name?

Sharon.

What's that?

Ah, it's my beeper. I'm working for Mrs.
Louder. I wonder what the old witch

wants now.

Bad cheese?

That could mean millions of things.

God, I hate this job.

Hey.

I'm going to be looking for someone to
help out at the salon. Why don't you

be my assistant?

Really? Yeah.

No more Mrs. Louder?

Wait a second.

Have you ever said the words, no matter
how hard I scream, do not let go of the

applicator?

Before we go, I got some good news.

Oswald's mom needs the roof of her salon
fixed, and you're gonna do it.

Whoa, slow down. I've never done a roof
before.

So what? You can do anything.

Listen, you already got your
contractor's license, so you need a

confidence in yourself.

I don't know.

It's just a matter of trying something,
that's all.

Remember, you used to think having sex
with me was, like, the most repulsive

thing in the world? Now we're almost
doing it with the life on.

You're right.

What am I afraid of? I'll just climb up
there and do the best job I can.

Sounds like Carrie's getting lucky
again.

Hey, Drew. Hey. Hey, Sharon.

Louder! Get your butt out here!

What the hell is the matter with you, O
'Brien?

You said you wanted me to do your
laundry and make you dinner. Well, I did

both. They're in here.

night thinking how exactly i wanted to
say this to you and uh oh i hate you i

hate you i hate you i hate you i hate
you i hate you i hate you i hate you i

hate you i hate you i hate you i hate
you i hate you i quit

You know, I left school early last
night. Drove like a maniac through that

storm, so we could hang out together.
Where were you? I had to work late. I

wanted to finish the roof on Mrs.
Harvey's salon before the storm moved

made it just in time.

Wow, that's great. I knew you could do
it. You can do anything you put your

to. You've been listening to those
positive attitude tapes I've been giving

haven't you?

No, sorry.

I knew you wouldn't.

So what'd you end up doing last night?

Well, you know I love storms, so, uh,
until the power went out, I just kind

of... Cranked some Zeppelin and raged to
the sky.

Whenever I feel afraid... Hey,

Drew, come out here!

Yeah, you gotta see this!

Oh, wow.

It's like the beginning of 2001.

Everyone always asks me that.

Hey, Sharon, I thought you were going to
fix my roof last night. I did. You

should check it out. It's beautiful.

I was just there.

Half the roof is still missing.

That's impossible.

I worked all night to get it done.

Roofs don't just fly off.

Oh, God, the storm.

Oh, no.

After all your hard work.

And now Oswald's mom's going to have to
pay for another roof? Gee, it's

horrible. Wait a minute. My mom
shouldn't have to pay. I mean, Sharon

her a new roof. That's right, honey.

Well, I guess I could put on another
roof, but I can't afford to do it now.

Hey, wait a second.

You know, it's not your fault the roof
blew off. You know, the insurance

company's called it an act of God.

Oh, well, I call it someone acting like
they knew how to put on a roof. Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, everybody.

Let's not point fingers here.

Clearly, Oswald's mom is horribly wrong.

What? Hey.

Let's not start attacking moms unless
you're ready to talk about a certain

door -bought Halloween costume.

Big deal. She couldn't sew. At least I
wasn't a hobo eight years in a row.

You know, I'm beginning to agree with
Drew, and I think you're being pretty

unreasonable. I'd like the rest of my
money.

Well, you're not getting the rest of
your money until I get a roof with a

warranty of more than two hours. Hey,
what about me?

I quit my job to work at this salon, and
I am not going back to work for the

oldest surviving Confederate widow.

And you're not getting any of my mom's
money, because you're wrong. You're

all... wrong. And don't even think about
coming to the shop because you're all

persona abraten.

Drew, don't let the dog eat your
breakfast.

Drew. What? Oh, I'm sorry. I already
ate. That's yours.

Okay, scram, buddy.

You okay, big fella?

You talk young all night.

Think about that stupid roof and how
we're all fighting about it.

I haven't been this mad at Oswald since
he shot my dad.

You shot your dad?

Wait, let me start your story for you.
We were drinking. No, no, we were

hunting.

And the first time Oswald saw one of
those I'm with stupid T -shirts, he

so hard he accidentally pulled the
trigger.

I have a delivery for Drew Carey.

I'm Drew Carey. Oh, may I please see
some ID?

Not coffee.

Oh, my... My new snow globes.

What happened?

Thank the God.

Oh, really?

Is this God's footprint?

Yeah, that's God's, all right.

And you'll be pleased to know that
thanks to your girlfriend, Sucky Ruth

has moved out.

Oh, no, you guys had a fight?

Well, he said some things that can never
be unsaid. Wow, you guys have been

together for 15 years.

16 years this August, thanks for
mentioning it.

Oh, and I have one more delivery for
Miss Sharon Bridges.

Good day. I no longer wish to remain
under this roof in case she built it.

You better run.

Hey, careful, honey.

The man who shot my pa.

It's just a greeting card.

From Oswald's mom.

Oh, my God, she's suing me.

Is that a greeting card for that?

Oh, look.

Little kitty cat's a lawyer.

Drew, what do I do? I can't afford a
lawsuit.

But there is no way I'm doing the work
twice.

It's okay, because I've got a plan.

Oswald's mom will only listen to Oswald,
right? Right.

And Oswald will only listen to Lewis. So
we've got to get Lewis to talk to

Oswald. Why?

Because Oswald respects Lewis more than
any other man in the world.

Why? We don't know.

Well, what if Oswald won't listen to
Lewis?

Well, there's always Professor Von Sock.

Professor Von Sock? You mean that stupid
little sock puppet Lewis carries around

with him? Hey, listen.

First of all, He's a professor.

Company?

With this power?

Hey,

live in the storage locker?

Yeah, it's the only place in my price
range that I really like.

Look, uh, I know I've said this before,
but thanks for making me feel better

about my life.

Let me show you around.

This is the kitchen.

This is the bedroom.

Over here is the living room. And should
the day ever come, that'll be the

nursery.

Where's the bathroom?

Well, I've only been here two days. I
really haven't had to worry about it.

beer. Thanks.

So listen, I need to talk to you about
Oswald.

Oswald who?

His mom is important. His mom is doing
sharing.

Really?

Just like that family, cheap white
trash.

You better not be living in there,
Knesset!

I told you, I'm just moving my stuff
around!

Look, this is really important.

Oswald's the only one to get his mom to
drop a lawsuit, and you're the only one

he'll listen to.

Hey, he called me a loser.

So I packed up everything I own in a
hefty bag and moved into the storage

locker.

Here's your paper.

Okay, listen.

I just talked to Oswald's mom.

Here's my idea.

Since her place has no roof, I say we
turn it into a beauty parlor slash

salon.

Well, what if it's raining out or if
it's cold or something?

Why does everyone keep saying that?

I guess you quit your job a little too
early, huh, Katie?

Not necessarily.

Oswald's mom says she's coming over to
talk to you tonight.

Hey, good. Maybe she wants to apologize.

Well, she just said she wanted to see
you alone because she wanted to show you

something that might change your mind.

Wait a minute, Drew.

This is it.

What you've been dreaming of for 30
years.

The woman you've had a crush on your
entire life is coming over to seduce

That's ridiculous.

Is it?

She's losing money every day that roof
is off, and you're the one who talked

Sharon out of redoing the job.

You guys are crazy.

Oh, my God, the house is a mess.

Come on, Loach, we're going to Warsaw.

All right, let me take a shower first.

I'll meet you outside.

Yeah.

Well,

it never fails.

Men.

Hey, Drew.

Oh, Mrs. Harvey, what an interesting
outfit you have on.

Sorry about that.

I was just at the Y working off a little
tension.

You busy?

Just doing some homework.

Gosh,

I hate this stuff.

Why don't we take a look?

Oh, who am I kidding? I was lousy in
school.

I was always out screwing around.

You mind if I have a beer?

Sure, go ahead.

Sharon's not here, is she?

I know she's not.

Kim? Pretty good.

You know Drew.

I know you care about her a lot, and I
know you think she's the best at what

does, but... Well, believe me, Drew,
Sharon is inexperienced.

And I've got something to show you
that'll prove it. No!

I'm not having sex with you, Mrs.
Harvey.

Drew, I, uh... I just wanted to show you
the inspection report on my roof.

Gotcha.

Let's see that report.

The insurance company inspector looked
at the damage and said the contractor

fixed the roof messed up.

Oh, wow. She used the wrong nails?

Yeah. Apparently, roofers use a special
nail.

Yeah, I know, but there's so many
different kinds of nails. How am I

know what kind to use?

Well, they're called roofer's nails.

I'm sorry, Drew.

I don't want to sue anybody. I just want
to get my roof fixed.

That's a nod.

Don't say anything to Sharon, okay? I
swear to God I'll make this right.

Well, I know you will.

You're a good boy.

I'm, uh, really sorry about that little
misunderstanding just now.

I hardly be able to look in the eye
anymore.

You never could, honey.

Hi, welcome to Tool Time.

As you can see, our 1955 ranch home
needs a lot of work.

Especially the roof.

Where'd you get this tape?

Oh, they give it to you at Home Depot
for free when you buy nail.

Well, you ready to go?

Permit. We don't need no thinking
permit.

Hey, thanks for helping out, guys.

You know, if we can do this in a couple
days, we'll put this whole ugly chapter

in our lives behind us.

Sure, but if Sharon screwed this up,
what makes you think we won't? I'll tell

you why, because we're going to use our
noggins.

Hey, Drew, I'm glad you apologized. Now
I can help you.

Hey, you didn't say he was gonna be
here.

Oswald?

Lewis?

You're looking good.

Thanks.

So how's the new place?

Uncomfortable.

Thought I'd be lonely, but I'm not. I'm
not either.

You know, I was drinking last night, and
I got to throwing up, and I got to

thinking.

I really miss you, and I think we made a
mistake. I really miss you.

You had me at throwing up.

I got four people now. This should take
no time at all, huh?

Hey, look.

Hank's had one or two nails for Chingle
to do it.

Uh, actually, I was trying to kill an
ant.

Boy, she really isn't good, is she?

Sharon, what are you doing here? I was
looking for my T -square.

I don't know what's going on, but you
guys couldn't be up here screwing

Hey, we're working hard here. This ain't
no playtime, lady.

Going home, Mr. Potato Bug?

I think not.

Uh, listen.

I didn't want to be the one to break
this to you, but... Here's the

report.

Rupert's mail.

Ah, crap.

heck am I going to be a real freaking
contractor?

Well, first you've got to learn to swear
better than that.

Listen, uh... This is all my fault.

The only mistake you made was listening
to me.

Thanks, but that still doesn't explain
what you're doing up here.

Why didn't you just tell me?

I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Wow. If it weren't for those rat guys
staring at us, I'd kiss you right now.

guys. Come on, Sharon's going to help us
out.

You guys nailed yourselves to the roof,
didn't you?

Maybe.

Hey, it looks like rain.

You know, maybe we should start again
tomorrow morning.

Yeah, good idea.

Oh, man, that's a big cloud. We're going
to get soaked.

Never fear, young Oswald.

My calculations show that the clouds
will miss us due to our low pressure

system.

Professor Monsa!

Mrs.

Otter, thank God you're here.

So, you're looking rested.

So she has been here.

Who? The imposter that's telling
everyone that I'm quitting to work at a

parlor when everyone knows that I would
make half what I get here.

Have you seen her?

That's you.

Fooled me, too.

Well, I suppose it could happen.

I'd hate to see you suffer from another
person's treachery. You can have your

job back.

Really? Thank you.

What's all?

Mimi.

Got my job back.