All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s04e22 Whats Wrong With This Episode II

Okay, well, we'll go home. See you guys
later.

Excuse me, sir.

I'm going to need to see what's in the
bag.

But I'm the star of the show.

Star? I always thought it was more of an
ensemble show.

All right, buddy, you got an explanation
for this?

Do I?

This is the prize for the Drew Carey
Show's April Fool's contest.

And you can win if you write down all
the mistakes we put in tonight's show,

there are at least 50 of them. For
example, in the show...

Oswald isn't a security guard. He's a
delivery man.

I'm an example of a mistake.

I like the Indians, but they're going to
the crapper unless they find another

quarterback. The guy they had last year
threw like a girl.

You got that right. That's what I love
about my job. Talking sports with the

guys.

Okay, you're all done, Steve.

Phil, you're an artist.

You're up, bro.

Get some new girly magazines.

This one's idea of a turnout is
collecting rubber for the war effort.

Drew, I have a rabbi and two priests
that come in here.

If I won't get new porno for them, why
should I for you?

Oh, that meatball sandwich has an
Italian temper.

Call me old -fashioned, but I like...
Like the traditional barber, those

stylists are so impossibly affecté.

So, what grade are you in, little fella?

I guess it would make me in 32nd grade.

Give me your best, Phil.

Our parents are coming for their 45th
anniversary party next week.

Wow, 45 years.

George is a lucky man.

Hey, look at this.

I found this picture the first time you
came in here.

Hey!

Hey, you're a good customer, Drew.

And you've got a great head.

Nice and square.

comes from...

Oh, they gave me some man clippings to
tape on for my first shower day in gym.

That's right.

That's how we met.

I recognize my hair on you.

Bill knew people.

I remember when I was a kid, he always
told me I was going to be somebody.

When I grew up and I didn't become
anybody, he never mentioned it again.

Poor Bill.

Well, at least he went out the way he
always wanted to, face down in a pile of

hair. Yeah.

making goofy faces.

I'm not making it.

Oh.

So the dance continues.

Mom, what are you doing here so early?
The anniversary party's not until

Oh, I know, but I wanted to fly in. I
didn't want to drive with your daddy.

some coupons. Every night we have to
stay at a Johnny's rooster inn. I've

even heard of a Johnny's rooster inn.

I stayed in one once. Not as nice as it
sounds.

Congratulations on your 45th
anniversary, Mrs. Cunningham.

I don't know how you did it.

Well, it's not hard when you're in love
and you respect each other. Besides, my

generation was taught that when you say,
I do, that's for the rest of your life.

Wow. Except for Hitler, yours is the
coolest generation.

Thank you.

Well, don't you kids worry. I'm sure
that you will be celebrating your 45th

anniversaries, too. And I'm sure that
poor Louis will be invited.

something you look like you're dressed
up to go somewhere nice uh actually mom

we're going to a funeral i got some bad
news uh phil radner died a couple days

ago no oh oh no this is awful

poor phil i'm gonna go change real quick
i want to go

with you

Boy,

I don't know what I'm going to say to
Phil's wife.

Just be gentle and sensitive to her
feelings. Do you remember any of the

things he said?

Yeah, it was a joke. Something about a
priest reading pornography.

Tell her that.

Hey,

guys.

Hey, where'd you get the beer?

From the O'Toole Wake, two doors down.
Boy, those guys sure know how to die.

Nice. When I go, I want to invite all
the guys who ever turned me down, locked

the doors and burned down the building
while a tape of my voice says, you're

going out. me now foolish mortals i'm in
a drug court trial group for a new

pill that lets you live 300 years a few
losers get a placebo but the people they

want around for a long time get the real
thing you want to try one they're real

sugary oh yeah i should get to see it
before all the good ones are taken

We're wearing the same dress as the
widow.

But only one of us is carrying it off.

Hey, pig, as long as we're here, would
you mind posing in a coffin? I want to

get a picture for my hope chest.

All right, well, I'm going to go drain
the lizard.

Oh, my God, did you see that?

She practically kissed a dead guy. Why
would she do that?

Maybe it's part of some freaky scavenger
hunt.

Jeez, did you check out the look between
Phil's wife and Drew's mom?

Maybe you're right. Something weird's
going on there.

Didn't she say that she sees him every
time she comes here to New Rochelle?

Yeah. Oh, my God, I hate to say it, but
I think Drew's mom's been having an

affair with Phil.

That's what all those lunches were
about.

stressful morning. You know, when this
is over, would one of you like to have

lunch with me? No way.

Morning.

Morning. You're fired.

Morning. Mimi, it's time for our annual
blood drive, and we don't want to lose

out to any of the other department
stores this year.

Plus, if we win, I get a $2 ,000 bonus.

Yeah, yeah, blood, the gift of life. Why
should I care?

I'll split the money with you.

Why didn't you say so?

Fantasies. Shut up and give me your
blood.

Does that hurt?

Yeah. Does this hurt?

My head!

It's my head!

It's my head!

Hey guys, ready for lunch?

Drew, before we go, there's something we
gotta talk about.

How often did your mom see Phil?

I don't know. Whenever she came up from
Florida, maybe five, six times a year.

Six times a year?

She's insatiable.

What the hell are you talking about?

I'll put this as delicately as I know
how, Andrew.

We think the barber was slamming it to
your mom.

What? We saw her at the funeral. She was
almost in tears. She and the widow shot

each other daggers, and she kissed Phil.

Not only that, she was the last to
leave.

My mom and the barber?

Well, there's no way.

All she ever did was drop us off and...
Okay.

You're all done, Steve.

Why so quiet today, Drew?

I had to go shopping with my mom at that
stupid one -for -latter store.

I was stuck there for two hours.

Never again.

Hello, boys. I'm done shopping.

And we're all done here, Mrs. Carey.

Look, Mom.

Ta -da!

Are you making fun of the way I try on
clothes, Steve?

No. I love the way you try on clothes.

That's my boy.

All right, boys.

Your mom has to pay me, so why don't you
go over to the arcade and play Space

Invaders? If you get hungry, get
yourself a burger.

doesn't diminish over time like a man's
let me tell you something about your

mom's hormones why

there

she is the one woman I thought would
never

lie to me

You think you know your own mother.

Drew, the woman married younger back
then. She probably didn't get to

life much before having a family, and
she just wanted to see what it was like

park another car in the garage.

You know, calling it a garage really
isn't helping anything.

Well, I can't tell you what to do, but
personally, I'd stay out of it.

Well, I'm going to hit the sack.

the cookies for the anniversary party
tomorrow night. You know how much your

father likes them. But then I've never
met a man who didn't like my cookies.

Great. I already lost garage and I
already lost cookies.

Oh, a Julie from work called to remind
you of a breakfast meeting tomorrow.

She sounded very sweet.

She's in accounting. We're just friends.

Julie, listen to your mother. I think I
know a little A little bit more about

relationships than you do.

Lord knows I'm not perfect.

But then being married for 45 years is
nothing to sneeze at.

But you did, Mom. You sneezed all over
it.

What? I know what you've been doing at
your lunches. The gang saw you kissing

Phil at the funeral, and I remembered a
few things from when I was a kid.

How could you do this to Dad?

Does he know about this? All this time,
he's out waiting in the car listening to

Paul Harvey while you're inside
finishing the rest of the story.

Well, my lord, according to my chart
here, everyone's given blood at least

twice, except for you.

What are you, a girly man?

You've seen me run, you've seen me throw
a ball. What do you think?

There's nothing to be afraid of. We just
take a little needle and we find a

vein.

Okay,

he's out. Drag him in there, poke him,
and I'll drain him.

What is things you've said on a date?

We just came by for our free flu shots.

We didn't know we had to give a pint of
blood first.

Well, how do you think they were going
to make room for the vaccine?

Oh.

Oh,

by the way, the two of you might feel a
little lightheaded.

Oh, you would never notice.

Just about time for the graduation
party, Drew. I guess we better get

huh?

Oh, I'm feeling a little dizzy.

Oh, you guys go ahead. I'm mad at my
mom. I'm not going to go.

You listen to me, Drew Carey. You're
being selfish.

Catch me, Oswald. I'm going to faint.
I'll get you, buddy.

Hey, Mr. Cuban.

Oswald, point my hand at him.

Be a man.

If you don't go, you're going to
disappoint a lot of people, okay?

Now roll me away dramatically.

Watch my hand. Watch my hand.

Your children.

What the hell's the matter with you?

Get back in there. No.

Drew, I think we proved throughout our
childhood I can make you do or eat

anything.

Yeah, I wanted that caterpillar.

This is no way to act at a party. You
know, I don't want to come to a stupid

party in the first place. Well, I didn't
want to wear a slip, but I did it for

Mom and Dad.

Won't you just come in here?

Mom had an affair with a barber.

Hey, get in here. Uncle Mike's getting a
little touchy -touchy.

Mimi, please.

Guy talk.

Oh, sorry, Princess.

You got it wrong, Drew.

Mom didn't have an affair with Phil.

Look, I didn't want to believe it
either.

Would you just stop it?

It was Dad.

Phil's wife.

What? That's just crazy.

How do you explain all the time they
spent together? And what about all the

times they went in the back room when
Mom dropped us off for haircut? They

consoling each other.

They got through it and they became
friends.

Well, how come you know about this and I
don't?

I found out when I was a kid.

I was trying on dresses in Mom's closet
when I heard them arguing about it.

To this day, I can't wear an A -line
skirt without getting a panic attack.

laughter

Yeah. He admitted the whole thing.

They even began talking about divorce
and argued over who got you.

They both wanted me?

Yeah.

That bastard.

Doesn't he realize that our mom is a
saint?

You know, leaving her alone to raise us
all by herself while he's out top

canting around, we could have turned out
all screwed up.

Forget about it, Drew. It happened 30
years ago.

What the hell are you doing out here?
We're having a party.

If you give a damn about your mother's
feelings, you get your keisters in

Now.

Did you hear that?

Warren Beatty wants us back inside the
house.

I have this next dance with Mom.

Okay.

If you think what you kids do can be
called dancing.

But the rest of your dance card is full.

I'm sorry, Mom.

What for?

I know everything.

Why don't you just tell me the truth
yesterday?

Why do you think he invited Phil's wife
to the party?

Made you look.