All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s04e17 Three Guys, A Girl And A B-Story

Drew, did you order a masseuse?

It was New Year's Eve. I was drunk.

Oh. Hi, Kate. What's the matter?

It's my new business.

I'm giving workplace massage.

A new business? I thought you really had
something with that soup on a stick.

Me too. But the guy at the bank
suggested I go to loan on a stick.

Come on. If you do it, everyone else
will too.

I don't know. You know anything about
massage?

No. Now sit down.

Be a trendsetter.

Well... I was the guy that made two
suits for $99, cool.

Hey, Drew, did you get a haircut or
something?

Yeah, lean closer, Mimi. I'll tell you
my secret.

I'm giving him a massage.

And if you're nice, maybe I'll give you
some of Kate's magic touch, too.

Save your oil, O 'Brien. I don't swing
that way.

Okay, before we start, I need you to
sign this.

I hereby waive all rights to sue for
paralysis, numbness, loss of sexual

function, and orc organs.

Uh, hey, you know what?

Even though my organs are purely
ornamental, I'd still like to hang on to

But, uh, I will help you out with your
business.

Woo! Man!

feels great. Loosey -goosey, that was
the best massage I ever had.

And if I can make you feel good, imagine
how great it'll be for someone whose

muscles are closer to the surface.

Morning, Mimi.

Do you know what today is? Today is the
third month anniversary of my sobriety.

Congratulations, sir. Thank you.

I'm throwing myself a little party. I'd
like you to order some near beer, some

sparkly water, some cranberry juice,
some plain punch, oh, and a buggy load

Amish people, because they're the only
ones that would consider that a party.

Hey, Wick, my toilet's backed up.

Not much with icebreakers, are you,
Larry?

You know what I'm talking about. Winfrey
Louder owns all the houses in my

neighborhood. And I happen to know Mrs.
Louder made you landlord.

But I don't want to be. Besides, all
these stupid little maintenance

should be delegated to some sort of
assistant.

Any volunteers?

God bless you, Mimi. Thank you very
much. You've got the job.

All the days to have to hide a hickey.

As long as you're stuck there, you know,
some people tell me that my stomach is

too hairy. What do you think?

I thought you had a date tonight.

I did. And it turns out we had a lot in
common. For instance, an uncle.

Oh.

Good thing you got out of there. You
don't want to wind up like my

Hey.

What you doing?

We're kind of hoping you'll sit at
another table.

I'll have you know, while you're sitting
here throwing back beers, I'll be

hobnobbing with the intergalactic elite
at the airport Ramada.

five convention i'm entering the costume
competition i'm ambassador jakar here

read the introduction i wrote all hail
ambassador jakar he's arrogant

proud proud to be arrogant and with the
flip of the

collar his outfit goes from babylon five
to babylon after five so i

think i got a shot no but don't worry
about it in a contest like that even the

winners are losers

Good luck, buddy. Break a leg.

It would heal immediately.

Wow, I thought I fell into a car.

I don't know. I was the only one in the
supermarket.

I may say so. That's quite an impressive
skull ridge you have there.

Can I feel it?

You're a ridge man, huh?

Ah, pretty Ben and Zach window.

That doesn't drop a who -trans -who
-ishi -who -who dance.

I thought I was the only one that spoke
Mimbari. Yeah, I've been studying. I'm

hoping to do a little traveling next
year.

Well, it looks like I'm up. Oh, uh,
look, I, uh, I know we're from different

worlds and our genitalia probably don't
even fit together, but, uh...

Want to get some coffee later?

Ice cream would be better.

Ice cream it is, Ambassador Dillon.

We'll have coffee next Friday night
after dinner.

Okay.

I can't believe I'm dating a guy from
Narn.

He's still my beating heart.

I have a package for Ambassador Delenn.

Oh, where's it from?

I don't know. The return of Jess just
has some gibberish and then it says

Mimbari Galaxy.

Sounds like some weirdo, but I know it's
not a bomb or it would have gone off

one of the times I dropped it.

Well, there's only one person I know
that speaks Mimbari.

Let's see.

Ah, ice cream maker.

I know exactly who it's from. Oh, cool.
It's just on here.

Oh, are you okay?

Yeah, I got a splinter on my hand this
morning. I can't get it off.

Oh, you poor... thing. Let me have a
look. No, it'll hurt.

You're scared? How cute. It's okay. I
work in a veterinarian's office.

Oh.

Oh, okay.

This will only take a second.

I can't look. Do it quickly, please.

Oh, let me compose myself. No, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Pretty much runs the place, huh?

Hi, I'm Oswald. I'm Tracy.

Would you like some alcohol for that?
Sure, a beer would be nice.

Hey, you know, I don't usually do this
with customers, but would you like to go

out Friday night?

Oh, sorry, I have plans.

How about Saturday?

Great, sign here.

No, I meant it. I'll go out with you.

That's for the package. Oh, oh, sorry.

But that's a good idea.

Hello.

Yeah, Mr. Wick may be the new landlord.
What's your problem?

Your house smells like gas?

Oh, boo -hoo, like some incense.

No, I just have to phrase this a certain
way to protect myself, but bribe me or

I ain't fixing Jack.

Gotta go. Call you later. Pig in the
city.

What's this pile of crap?

And who's sending a present?

Well, they're not bribes, if that's what
you're thinking.

Roaches.

How's two o 'clock? Perfect. See ya.

Uh, hey, Mr. Rick, you know Mimi's
taking bribes?

Is this true?

Every single word of it.

I admire your honesty.

Back to work, Carrie. No one likes a
tattletale.

Excuse me. Yeah,

I'm trying to return this gift, and the
people in house first won't help me. I

want to speak to someone in charge.

Oh, well, no one has more experience
with unsatisfied women than me. Have a

seat.

sent me this ice cream maker, but it
doesn't work. And I'm Tracy, by the way.

Oh, I'm Drew. What's wrong with it?

I don't know, but I think the global
parcel guy dropped it.

Uh -oh.

What's he look like?

Well, he was handsome, and he had a real
good sense of humor.

Oh. Now, my friend's a goofy -looking
doofus.

Listen, uh, let me make a phone call. I
think I can get this whole thing

straightened out for you. Ah, thank God.

Finally, someone in a position of power.

Finally, someone who's easily impressed.

Yeah, Drew Carey here. I have a young
lady here who says you've been giving

a hard time. Hey!

I don't care if you're having lunch.

You get off your fat ass, you give her
the best ice cream maker we got.

You understand? Pronto!

Wow, thanks.

I just get really passionate when I see
an injustice.

And a real injustice is if you were home
alone on a Saturday night. You want to

go out with me?

Oh, sorry, I have plans.

I mean, Sunday?

Uh...

Okay. Sunday's great.

Yeah.

You don't mind watching Babylon 5 rerun?
Oh, Babylon 5. You know, I have a

friend who's a Babylon 5 nut. Oh,
really? I'd love to meet him. Oh, maybe

will. Okay.

Okay, so it's a date then. If you see
any trouble, just let me know.

Okay, bye.

Yeah, hi, Tommy. I'm sorry, Mr.
Henderson.

Listen, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell
at you like that.

I was just trying to impress... What?

You mean you liked it?

No, I'm not going to do it again. Maybe
later.

I said maybe later.

Stop that.

Hey, Drew, you ready to get something to
eat?

Yeah, boy, the most beautiful woman was
here, and I asked her out. She said

she'd go out with me.

You should see the woman I'm going out
with this weekend. She's perfect.

I wasn't going to say anything because I
didn't want to jinx it, but I met

somebody, too, and I think I'm in love.

You know, I might be, too, just thinking
about her. I can almost smell her

perfume.

See,

I told you guys if you were patient,
we'd all meet somebody.

Hey, two beers, please.

Hey, you know what? If our first dates
work out, this could be our last night

together as creepy single guys.

To the three luckiest girls in the
world.

Oh, there's poor Dateless Gate. We
should be nice to her.

Yeah. We should eat better, too. Hey,
Kate, want to play some Old Maid?

Or you want to take my car out for a
spinster?

Well, that's right. You guys all have
dates.

It's like the second weekend of July
1987 all over again.

What do you got planned?

Well, I want to do something classy. I'm
going to rent a limo and take her to

the opera. Which one?

I don't know. I figured we'd swing by
the Opera Plex and see what was planned.

I'm going to spend the week sneaking
around taking candid pictures of her.

And I'm going to set it to music and
give it to her as a surprise.

You can skip mine. It was kind of a
hybrid of the other two.

Also, help us out, Kate. What impresses
you on a first date? And remember, none

of us have nice cars. Or good jobs. And
we look like this.

First of all, you guys are trying way
too hard.

One of my favorite first dates was where
this guy took me to his regular

hangout. I mean, it's great the way
everybody yelled his name when we walked

the door.

I mean, it's just nice to be with a guy
everybody likes.

Well, I'm out.

Oh, there was other stuff, too, like he
had this pocket watch.

You know, the one of the old -fashioned
kind on a chain.

It just made him seem old -fashioned and
dependable.

Oh, and the end of the night, this is my
favorite part.

You're gonna think it's corny.

Aw, Kate, nothing's corny if it gets you
some.

At the end of the night, he sang me a
Lionel Richie song.

Lionel Richie seems a bit odd.

Hey, how about if I river dance?

Hello, everybody!

Hey! This is my usual hangout.

People seem to like me, don't they?

Well, what's not to like?

Well, I'm needy, I don't return what I
borrow, and some women say I'm too

considerate in bed.

You're so spontaneous. I love that. I'm
so tired of all the game playing.

Oh, boy, I hear you.

Let's see.

We've still got about an hour until the
movie starts. We could relax, have a

bite to eat.

That'd be nice. Is that a pocket watch?

Oh, yeah, I'm kind of an old -fashioned
guy.

So to recap...

People like me, I'm honest, and I'm old
-fashioned.

Here we go.

A toast.

Here's to me wedging into the
conversation that I own the company that

this beer.

Now, is this a real company? Because I
once dated a guy that said he owned a

beer processing plant. Turns out he just
meant himself.

No, no, it's real.

Mmm, coffee beer. This is good.

How's business?

Well, the combination of caffeine and
alcohol should be more addictive than

heroin, but so far sales haven't borne
that out.

I'd say you're on to something.

And I'd say you're... one... twice...

three times a lady.

And I like you.

This is a first.

Yes, you'll want it.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Oswald.

Oswald, do you believe in deja vu?

If that's the French Santa Claus, then
yes.

Two beers, please.

So how's your hand doing?

Well, let's give it the old salt test.

Well, better than this morning.

You are so funny.

I hope.

Do you have a pocket watch? Because I
do.

Is somebody giving them out with a full
tank of gas?

Do you like Lionel Richie? Because I do.

You're one.

Three times a lady.

And I love you.

What time is it?

I'll tell you what time it is.

You're one.

Three times a lady. I'm sorry.

What is going on here? What are you
talking about?

This can't be an accident. Why did you
bring me here?

This is my bar and these are all my
friends. Hi, guys. Hey.

Oh, that's it.

This is too weird. I am out of here.

Hey, it's my new girlfriend.

Hey, mine's here, too.

Well, let's get them together.

All right.

Hey, I'd like to meet... What are you
doing?

What are you doing?

Would you guys just call her, honey?

I will give the both of you one minute
to explain what's going on here.

hillbilly love ritual this is, but I
want no part of it.

Oh, my God, it's the same woman.

I can't believe

you guys were dating the same woman at
the same time.

Although, secretly, I didn't believe you
were dating different women at the same

time, either.

I'm surprised that bitterness doesn't
attract more men.

Sorry, guys.

I'm not being one, twice, three times a
lady.

Anyway, I'll see you later. I have a
date.

Hope it's not with the same person.

You know, I don't think Tracy's coming
over, Drew.

No, she'll be here.

When did you tell her, anyway?

I told her we wanted to apologize, and
besides that, she dropped her house key

in my car, and if she was comfortable
with me having it, well, she'd have to

come over.

Well, it'll work, but that doorbell
hurts just a little bit.

Lewis, try not to look so creepy.

Give the guy some notice.

Hey, Tracy,

how are you? Come on in.

Oh, my God, don't tell me you all live
together, too.

Really sorry. It was all just a big
mistake.

What, that you're all friends or that
you all use the same routine to woo me?

So, uh, we wooed you?

That reminds me. Can I have my key back?

Not the one to my heart.

Now.

Look, we didn't know we were all dating
the same woman. We took some bad advice

from a friend because we wanted to
impress you so much. We didn't want to

you. We like you.

Well, I gotta admit,

Kind of liked you guys, too. If this
hadn't happened, it would have been fun

go out.

Well, thanks for at least hearing us
out.

Come on, I'll get the keys for you.

Here you go.

I'm really sorry to have to end this
way, too, so maybe you and I can go out

sometime.

Hey, Tracy, I remembered that recipe you
wanted for love cake.

You take five, five, five eggs.

zero cups of sugar, one tablespoon of
vanilla, zero apples, and seven raisins.

can't believe I just asked her out right
in front of my face. Why?

You just asked me out.

Hey, wait, you guys asked her out? Give
it up, would you? Enough is enough.

Okay, can I just say something here?

You know what? The only thing I really
know about any of you is that Oswald is

the only one that can sing, and Drew
needs to rest a lot.

Woo -hoo! Oswald pulls into the lead!

No, no, that's not what I mean. What I'm
trying to say is, if any of you want to

call me, you can. I just don't want you
fighting over me.

Yeah, she's a person, man. She's not a
prize. This isn't a contest.

That's right.

Thank you, Drew.

And Drew pulls into the lead!

You know, Brian, if you could use a
customer, I wouldn't mind a neck rub.

Thanks, Larry. Just give me a second to
set up.

Um, would you like whale songs, sounds
of the rainforest, or Enya?

Do you have any, uh, Kenny G?

I think I'm getting a peek at someone's
sensitive side.

Larry.

That's right, and plenty of...

It's not that kind of massage.

I'd rather have the bread maker.