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1
00:00:10,490 --> 00:00:12,490
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
2
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It's pepperoni with peppers.
3
00:00:51,050 --> 00:00:53,550
You are crushed.
4
00:00:53,830 --> 00:00:55,390
You win.
5
00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:15,750
Thank you.
6
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Thank you.
7
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:37,020
Want to do it again?
8
00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:39,120
Man, I'm not a machine.
9
00:02:46,060 --> 00:02:50,880
What the hell? Let's get the can opener.
10
00:03:09,369 --> 00:03:10,690
It's such a crude...
11
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I'm sorry I came up with this whole
phony sexual harassment idea. Can't you
12
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:46,399
drop this suit and we can go back to
being friends?
13
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:47,450
I don't know.
14
00:03:48,740 --> 00:03:49,840
Give you a big kiss.
15
00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:52,200
On the lips of free range.
16
00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:58,020
Oh, forget it. You'd just be doing it
for all the wrong reasons.
17
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,750
Please, I'll do anything. I just wanted
to stop.
18
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:05,340
Well, maybe if you'd just do one little
thing for me.
19
00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:07,300
Read this over the PA.
20
00:04:10,470 --> 00:04:11,520
Fine.
21
00:04:15,190 --> 00:04:17,840
Attention, everyone. I have an
announcement to make.
22
00:04:19,610 --> 00:04:23,170
I'm a mama's boy with girly hands and
ample pasty hips.
23
00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:27,810
When I'm spanked by German girls, I like
to wear a flip.
24
00:04:31,270 --> 00:04:32,320
All right.
25
00:04:32,410 --> 00:04:34,350
I thought about it. No!
26
00:04:36,170 --> 00:04:39,230
And that was a reading from Drew Carey's
private diaries.
27
00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:44,200
years. Why is everyone fuzzy but me?
28
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,660
Hey, I'm looking for Mimi Bobeck.
29
00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:55,690
Who's that?
30
00:04:56,180 --> 00:04:58,770
We've got a sexual harassment lawyer in
Cleveland.
31
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,180
Hey, I'm talking to you too, babe.
32
00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:04,760
What attracted you to your specialty?
33
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:08,780
I'm the one that called you. I'm Mimi
Bobeck.
34
00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:11,920
Bobby Barchetti, nice to meet you.
35
00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:15,820
We can sit in here. Pig's still out to
lunch.
36
00:05:20,540 --> 00:05:24,380
Okay, here's the deal. I want to take
this place for two million bucks.
37
00:05:24,381 --> 00:05:27,499
Hey, you and me both, but this is not an
open and shut case.
38
00:05:27,500 --> 00:05:29,360
First of all, you look like a whack job.
39
00:05:29,911 --> 00:05:31,939
Oh, ow.
40
00:05:31,940 --> 00:05:34,220
That really hurts coming from Tom
Cruise.
41
00:05:34,700 --> 00:05:37,580
Whatever you do, don't make that face in
court.
42
00:05:38,260 --> 00:05:39,310
What face?
43
00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:49,619
am and one more comment like that and i
could change who you are i'm sorry miss
44
00:05:49,620 --> 00:05:55,419
bubba i don't think i can help you you
won't get sympathy from a jury you're
45
00:05:55,420 --> 00:06:02,159
right sometimes i have to put on a tough
face to hide the pain i
46
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:03,859
don't know where to turn
47
00:06:03,860 --> 00:06:10,079
hey i'm sorry
48
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:11,600
so how was that
49
00:06:12,691 --> 00:06:17,199
Amy, what are you doing in my cubicle?
Who's this?
50
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:18,250
Her lawyer.
51
00:06:18,380 --> 00:06:19,940
Is this the guy who touched you?
52
00:06:19,941 --> 00:06:23,459
No. If he was the one that touched me, I
wouldn't need a lawyer. I'd need a
53
00:06:23,460 --> 00:06:25,570
coroner, because I'd have to kill
myself.
54
00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:26,870
Oh, really?
55
00:06:26,871 --> 00:06:29,619
Touch, touch, touch, touch, touch,
touch. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. We're
56
00:06:29,620 --> 00:06:30,670
strangers.
57
00:06:30,671 --> 00:06:35,859
Mrs. Louder's on her way up, and I heard
it's about your promotion.
58
00:06:35,860 --> 00:06:36,819
Oh, my gosh.
59
00:06:36,820 --> 00:06:37,559
How do I look?
60
00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:38,900
Ready for a letdown. Yeah.
61
00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:42,700
Carrie, you're invited to Mr.
62
00:06:42,980 --> 00:06:45,460
Louder. Louder's birthday party Friday
night.
63
00:06:45,860 --> 00:06:48,900
A birthday party for Mr. Louder? Wow,
that sounds great.
64
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,630
I've been dead for years. She's lost her
mind.
65
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:55,040
I know my husband is dead, and I'm not
deaf either.
66
00:06:55,340 --> 00:07:00,920
The point is that every year, we pick
two or three up -and -comers to toast
67
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:02,210
Louder and Carrie.
68
00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,280
This year, you are one of them.
69
00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,910
Wow, after 12 years, I'm an up -and
-comer.
70
00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:08,720
Nobody else wanted to do it, huh? Yes.
71
00:07:11,150 --> 00:07:15,730
Well, I'd work hard on that toast,
because this year the best one wins.
72
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:19,950
500 shares of stock in Winfred Lauder.
73
00:07:20,270 --> 00:07:21,320
500 shares?
74
00:07:21,550 --> 00:07:25,430
The party starts at 7 sharp, and you're
expected to bring a date.
75
00:07:26,530 --> 00:07:29,490
If worse comes to worse, I've got a
sister.
76
00:07:32,330 --> 00:07:33,380
Pressure frozen.
77
00:07:35,131 --> 00:07:41,259
Come on, guys. I've got to leave in 15
minutes. I still haven't found anything
78
00:07:41,260 --> 00:07:42,580
nice to say about Mr. Louder.
79
00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:46,160
I've got something. It says here he
invented the word sweatshop.
80
00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:48,970
Mr.
81
00:07:48,971 --> 00:07:51,139
Louder was a crusader for workers'
rights.
82
00:07:51,140 --> 00:07:52,190
Not exactly.
83
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:56,899
He's quoted as saying, I want to see my
workers sweat so much in my shop, I can
84
00:07:56,900 --> 00:07:58,080
call them sweatshops.
85
00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:00,760
Or maybe stink boxes.
86
00:08:00,761 --> 00:08:03,399
Kate, you got anything about him?
87
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,679
Well, kind of. Did you know he invented
the cubicle?
88
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:06,459
No way.
89
00:08:06,460 --> 00:08:07,510
Yeah.
90
00:08:07,511 --> 00:08:10,819
Originally, it was a cage, but he
experimented and found out you only need
91
00:08:10,820 --> 00:08:12,930
walls if people are trapped in their
mind.
92
00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:16,340
Oh, my God. I could just walk out.
93
00:08:18,020 --> 00:08:22,179
Ruler, are you sure you want a toasted
police bag? Hey, he's dead, and I need
94
00:08:22,180 --> 00:08:23,139
the shares of stock.
95
00:08:23,140 --> 00:08:24,300
I need a nest egg.
96
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:26,360
I had a nest egg, but I lost a gambling.
97
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:27,940
I was betting I'd be dead by now.
98
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:31,319
So what are you going to say? I don't
think any of this stuff is going to help
99
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:32,259
you get that stock.
100
00:08:32,260 --> 00:08:33,700
I guess I have to rely on jokes.
101
00:08:34,340 --> 00:08:35,390
Now, listen.
102
00:08:35,391 --> 00:08:38,029
Officially, you guys are there to run
the lights and the projectors. But
103
00:08:38,030 --> 00:08:42,788
unofficially, you're now my designated
laughers. Well, we've been working on a
104
00:08:42,789 --> 00:08:43,839
couple of options.
105
00:08:43,870 --> 00:08:45,790
First, there's the country club laugh.
106
00:08:48,010 --> 00:08:51,230
The boss just told a bad joke laugh?
107
00:08:54,870 --> 00:08:58,390
You brought my material. I could get
some laughs.
108
00:09:02,140 --> 00:09:04,060
Seriously? Yeah, Drew, sure you could.
109
00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:07,120
Okay, just do the boss one.
110
00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:09,290
Yeah.
111
00:09:11,860 --> 00:09:15,460
Hey, Nikki, for any few seconds, I'm
just buttering up my toast.
112
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:18,430
Hey, butter, toast, that's good. Write
that down.
113
00:09:18,431 --> 00:09:23,739
Drew, I was thinking, I don't feel so
well. Maybe you should go without me.
114
00:09:23,740 --> 00:09:24,790
Oh, what's wrong?
115
00:09:24,791 --> 00:09:27,969
Drew, I didn't realize how much weight I
gained until I put this dress on.
116
00:09:27,970 --> 00:09:29,650
Oh, come on. I'm sure you look great.
117
00:09:31,970 --> 00:09:35,290
Oh, my God.
118
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:38,690
You look beautiful.
119
00:09:40,221 --> 00:09:47,549
Oh, come on. When you go through those
doors, you're going to be the biggest
120
00:09:47,550 --> 00:09:48,600
thing there.
121
00:09:53,100 --> 00:09:55,200
I am never going out in public again.
122
00:09:55,201 --> 00:09:57,579
You're being too hard on yourself. You
look great.
123
00:09:57,580 --> 00:10:00,320
And that slit in the back is very sexy.
124
00:10:01,380 --> 00:10:02,430
What slit?
125
00:10:04,180 --> 00:10:05,240
Oh, my God.
126
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,000
Can nothing contain me?
127
00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:11,140
Oh, come on, honey. I like the way you
look.
128
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,200
So you got a little junk in your trunk.
129
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:18,060
You miss sleeping alone?
130
00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:19,350
No. Get out of here.
131
00:10:19,900 --> 00:10:20,950
Be gentle.
132
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:27,090
You okay?
133
00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:28,330
No.
134
00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:32,859
You know, when Drew and I first started
dating, I used to wear his T -shirts as
135
00:10:32,860 --> 00:10:33,910
bed shirts.
136
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:35,780
Now I wear them as T -shirts.
137
00:10:38,460 --> 00:10:41,640
Believe me, you're much more aware of
this than anybody else.
138
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:43,290
Really?
139
00:10:43,291 --> 00:10:47,039
Peter, maybe you're right. I'm being
oversensitive. I mean, every woman's got
140
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:48,840
something. I've got my weight.
141
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:50,530
You've got your hair.
142
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:54,870
Thanks, Kate.
143
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:56,820
I'm glad to make you feel better.
144
00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:01,930
Guess what?
145
00:11:02,380 --> 00:11:04,000
I'm going to go with you after all.
146
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:05,610
In that?
147
00:11:05,780 --> 00:11:06,830
That's great!
148
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:13,000
Oh, that must be Charlie looking for one
of his angels.
149
00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:18,970
Drew!
150
00:11:30,311 --> 00:11:34,999
You and Nicky left these keys at the bar
last night.
151
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,719
Wow, I've been looking all over for
these. Where'd you find them? We asked
152
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:40,939
around the bar. Some people said they
belonged to that good -looking couple.
153
00:11:40,940 --> 00:11:43,000
See? So we went to their house.
154
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:48,150
And they said they belonged to the
chubby couple. See you, man.
155
00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:52,150
I'm fat.
156
00:11:52,151 --> 00:11:53,279
And ugly.
157
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:54,330
I gotta go.
158
00:11:54,620 --> 00:11:55,670
Nicky. Yeah.
159
00:11:56,351 --> 00:12:03,789
Boy. Women are so touchy about their
weight, you wouldn't catch me running
160
00:12:03,790 --> 00:12:06,500
of the room crying just because of an
extra ten pounds.
161
00:12:06,501 --> 00:12:09,669
I'm glad you said that, buddy, because
I've been meaning to tell you you're
162
00:12:09,670 --> 00:12:12,920
getting a bit flabby around the middle
there. Oh, really? Mm -hmm.
163
00:12:15,370 --> 00:12:16,420
Now,
164
00:12:17,990 --> 00:12:24,889
you see, that's the way a guy deals
165
00:12:24,890 --> 00:12:25,940
with it.
166
00:12:32,471 --> 00:12:39,619
Nikki's house. I paged her. They even
have 17 cars out on the street looking
167
00:12:39,620 --> 00:12:41,080
her. You called the cops?
168
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:42,960
No, dominoes.
169
00:12:43,021 --> 00:12:45,859
Is Oswald and Lewis here yet?
170
00:12:45,860 --> 00:12:49,170
Yep. They're in the balcony setting up.
Wait till you hear the music.
171
00:12:49,171 --> 00:12:51,179
What music? I didn't ask for any music.
172
00:12:51,180 --> 00:12:52,230
Oh, yes. It's a prize.
173
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,300
There's Mr. Lauder. Hey, Mr. Lauder.
174
00:12:56,380 --> 00:13:02,000
What the hell is that? Oh, you triggered
the music cue.
175
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,490
That's a negative on the cue, good
buddy. Over.
176
00:13:08,270 --> 00:13:10,130
It was Lewis's idea.
177
00:13:10,330 --> 00:13:12,210
I thought it was stupid. I said so, too.
178
00:13:12,211 --> 00:13:15,749
You know better than to trust Lewis on
this kind of stuff.
179
00:13:15,750 --> 00:13:19,489
If Lewis said, I don't know, like, shoot
a confetti cannon at Drew's head at the
180
00:13:19,490 --> 00:13:21,389
end of his speech, would you listen to
him then?
181
00:13:21,390 --> 00:13:22,440
Of course not.
182
00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:24,250
That would be dangerous and stupid.
183
00:13:25,050 --> 00:13:26,990
I copy that, Oswald. Kill the cannon.
184
00:13:30,390 --> 00:13:31,440
Oh, hey.
185
00:13:33,170 --> 00:13:34,220
Dumb talk.
186
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:38,600
here and some text here and you wouldn't
look like such a fat pig.
187
00:13:41,660 --> 00:13:43,160
Mimi, what are you doing here?
188
00:13:43,900 --> 00:13:46,850
Company's sucking up to me big time
because of the lawsuit.
189
00:13:46,940 --> 00:13:49,860
They even sent a car for me. Oh, too bad
I missed it.
190
00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:57,140
As you see, people, we're about to
begin.
191
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:01,900
Now, we'll begin the round of toast.
192
00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:03,630
May I introduce
193
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,090
from Shoes.
194
00:14:13,740 --> 00:14:17,300
Oh, Nikki, you're here. That's great.
195
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:21,779
I was being stupid and selfish. I just
want you to know I'm here for you. I'm
196
00:14:21,780 --> 00:14:24,239
going to go in the back and watch. No,
no, no. I want you to sit right here
197
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:24,859
to me.
198
00:14:24,860 --> 00:14:26,850
Come on. You don't want to be seen with
me.
199
00:14:27,220 --> 00:14:28,900
Wow, that is so sad.
200
00:14:29,460 --> 00:14:31,750
And to think that was my pickup line for
years.
201
00:14:32,420 --> 00:14:33,560
Well, it worked on me.
202
00:14:37,439 --> 00:14:39,440
Muck, Mr. Muck. Go get him, baby.
203
00:14:40,860 --> 00:14:44,939
Hey, I really have to cheer her up, so
go get Oswald and tell him I'm going to
204
00:14:44,940 --> 00:14:45,759
go like this.
205
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,320
Put the spotlight on. Got it.
206
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:54,100
And now the man who's here only because
we needed three speakers, Duke Carey.
207
00:14:56,180 --> 00:15:01,400
Thank you for that touching
introduction.
208
00:15:19,370 --> 00:15:20,420
to give this toast.
209
00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:22,230
I hope you like your toast dry.
210
00:15:22,730 --> 00:15:24,670
I prefer mine buttered myself.
211
00:15:29,590 --> 00:15:31,290
Okay, better get on with the toast.
212
00:15:31,650 --> 00:15:37,749
Listen, before I do, I just want to tell
you that win or lose, I'm the luckiest
213
00:15:37,750 --> 00:15:42,329
guy alive because I'm here with the most
beautiful woman in the room, a woman
214
00:15:42,330 --> 00:15:48,069
who doesn't even know how beautiful she
is, my girlfriend, a real lady, Nikki
215
00:15:48,070 --> 00:15:49,120
Pfeiffer.
216
00:16:59,690 --> 00:17:04,469
Anderson got up there after you left,
totally drunk, offending every ethnic
217
00:17:04,470 --> 00:17:10,510
group, age, and sex in the room, exposed
himself, and still beat you handily.
218
00:17:35,470 --> 00:17:36,850
What are you doing out here?
219
00:17:37,270 --> 00:17:38,320
Counting the stars.
220
00:17:39,090 --> 00:17:40,510
Just shoot around me.
221
00:17:43,870 --> 00:17:47,890
Look, I'm really sorry about what
happened tonight.
222
00:17:48,690 --> 00:17:50,090
What are you sorry about?
223
00:17:50,890 --> 00:17:52,890
You weren't the one playing the chicken.
224
00:17:53,850 --> 00:17:57,450
God help me, Drew. Later on, I
accompanied myself on the ham.
225
00:17:59,470 --> 00:18:00,520
Oh, what?
226
00:18:01,350 --> 00:18:03,730
You know, you're not what you think you
are.
227
00:18:04,910 --> 00:18:06,450
What do you think I think I am?
228
00:18:07,270 --> 00:18:08,770
I think you're beautiful.
229
00:18:09,070 --> 00:18:10,550
And? I think you're funny.
230
00:18:10,750 --> 00:18:12,030
And? I think you're smart.
231
00:18:12,930 --> 00:18:14,350
And? And just say it.
232
00:18:14,351 --> 00:18:17,469
Oh, all right, I'll say it. You're
moderately overweight.
233
00:18:17,470 --> 00:18:18,520
Say it.
234
00:18:19,510 --> 00:18:20,560
Okay.
235
00:18:20,750 --> 00:18:23,760
All right, why should I say it? There's
no shame in saying it.
236
00:18:24,650 --> 00:18:25,700
You're fat.
237
00:18:26,190 --> 00:18:27,240
Okay,
238
00:18:28,310 --> 00:18:29,360
but so what?
239
00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:30,670
You know, I'm fat.
240
00:18:31,630 --> 00:18:32,680
It's great.
241
00:18:35,390 --> 00:18:38,750
Listen, think of all the famous fat
couples.
242
00:18:39,310 --> 00:18:40,570
Dan and Roseanne.
243
00:18:41,970 --> 00:18:43,090
Tom and Roseanne.
244
00:18:45,370 --> 00:18:46,510
Ben and Roseanne.
245
00:18:48,030 --> 00:18:49,650
Ben and Jerry and Roseanne.
246
00:18:53,350 --> 00:18:55,070
Yeah, but it's different for you.
247
00:18:55,730 --> 00:18:57,110
You have fun fat.
248
00:18:57,610 --> 00:18:58,750
So do you.
249
00:18:59,350 --> 00:19:02,360
My fat wouldn't like your fat if it was
all stuck up in snooty.
250
00:19:04,959 --> 00:19:08,029
What, are you going to sing me the joy
of the living large now?
251
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:11,810
There's a lot of great things about
being overweight.
252
00:19:11,811 --> 00:19:14,479
We're sitting out here in the freezing
weather, but are we cold?
253
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:15,530
No.
254
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:18,250
Because we're fat.
255
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:22,490
Oswald Lewis was out here, they'd freeze
to death.
256
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:23,960
You know what we'd do?
257
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:25,680
We'd eat them, and we'd get fatter.
258
00:19:28,860 --> 00:19:33,620
Look, um, what I'm trying to say is that
259
00:19:35,239 --> 00:19:36,900
I... I love you.
260
00:19:38,500 --> 00:19:40,580
Because, baby, you're the fattest.
261
00:19:46,740 --> 00:19:48,660
You're the best boyfriend in the world.
262
00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:52,580
But, Drew, I gotta try to lose some
weight.
263
00:19:53,780 --> 00:19:54,830
Well, all right.
264
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:57,580
I'm gonna miss naked nacho night.
265
00:19:58,140 --> 00:20:03,320
So, technically, I guess that'd be an
acrobatian.
266
00:20:08,260 --> 00:20:09,380
That's right, baby.
267
00:20:09,620 --> 00:20:10,670
Eat for me.
268
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:13,060
Save it for the kitchen.
269
00:20:22,940 --> 00:20:23,990
Mail call.
270
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:26,610
Lopez.
271
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:28,410
Paycheck.
272
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:32,180
By the way, there's been a lot of
missing paychecks this morning.
273
00:20:32,670 --> 00:20:33,750
Oh, no.
274
00:20:34,350 --> 00:20:36,270
But here's the weird coincidence.
275
00:20:37,030 --> 00:20:40,969
Contributors to my sexual harassment
legal fund are the only ones whose
276
00:20:40,970 --> 00:20:42,410
magically reappear.
277
00:20:43,730 --> 00:20:48,470
Oh, abracadabra, what's that behind your
ear?
278
00:20:48,730 --> 00:20:51,290
I said a contribution, not a couple of
coins.
279
00:20:53,821 --> 00:20:55,919
Voila.
280
00:20:55,920 --> 00:21:00,470
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