Original subtitles

- Good. Excellent.

And file sharing off.

And...done.

Security software. 128-bit encryption. Firewalls.

Get up; I'll install it on your computer.

- No, thanks. - [scoffs]

Stupid.

Identity theft happens all the time.

I could become you like that.

But no one can become me.

- No one wants to be you, Dwight.

- Not true.

And if they did, they couldn't because I'm password-protected.

- Is your password "Frodo"?

- No.

- Did you just change it to "Gollum"?

- No.

[keyboard clacking]

[rock music]

* *

[phone rings]

- Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.

Hold, please. - Ooh-hoo. Ooh.

[as Ace Ventura] All righty, then.

Well, I see you're going

for the whole bored-supermodel thing.

[monotonously] "Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.

May I help you?"

Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.

- I wasn't really going for anything.

- No, no. I get it. I get it. I get it.

A child is born: "Ho-hum."

Beautiful sunset: "Nah, I'll catch the next one."

Right? Unicorn walks into the office:

"Oh, do you have an appointment?"

Okay, look, Pam.

This is not meant as a criticism,

but let me tell you what you're doing wrong.

You are the voice of this company, right?

And when clients call and you're not smiling,

they can hear that in your voice.

It is a real turnoff.

- Are you being serious?

- Yes. I am. Absolutely.

So the next call we get, I'd like you to smile.

I'd like to see a big smile.

- Okay. - Okay.

- No one's calling. - I know. Somebody will.

And we'll wait.

- Sometimes there's a lot of time between the calls.

- I know. I know.

We will wait. - Okay.

- We will wait for the call.

And you will smile.

Let me try something, just while we're waiting.

- Okay.

- Tell me if I'm smiling or not.

[cheerfully] Hi, Pam. How are you?

Was I smiling? - Yes.

- Okay. Let me try this one.

[monotonously] Hi, Pam. How are you?

- No. - I mean, you can tell. Right.

- Yeah, I could tell. - No, I wasn't smiling

that time, and they can tell too.

- That was a good example. - Thank you.

All right, when we get a call,

I'll come back, and you'll do the smile.

- Okay.

[phone rings] - Oh, here we go! Showtime!

It's showtime!

- [inhales deeply]

[cheerfully] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.

One moment. I'll transfer you.

- Okay.

- God.

- Hey, Dwight, my tuna sandwich isn't in the refrigerator.

You wouldn't know anything about that,

would you? - It was rotting.

- It was not rotting.

- "Any employee may dispose of any food item..."

- Stop. Dwight. - "That risks contaminating

any other food item."

Read the official kitchen regulations memo.

- Dwight, you wrote that memo, okay?

It's not an official memo. - Uh, not my problem, okay?

This is a paper factory, not a bacteria factory.

- Dwight, it's not a factory at all.

Do you have to do what you're doing?

- [scoffs]

If they don't bobble, what's the point?

- What is this?

- My nephew does it every year.

Anything you could give would be fantastic.

- Okay, but I don't wanna be put on a mailing list.

- Michael. - Oh, God! Dwight, come on!

- I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing.

- There's no downsizing.

- But if there were, I'd be protected

as assistant regional manager?

- Assistant to the regional manager, Dwight.

- Yeah, so I don't have to worry, right?

- Look, look, look, look, I talked to corporate

about protecting the sales staff,

and they said they couldn't guarantee it

if there's downsizing, okay?

But there's no downsizing, so just don't--

- Bottom line, do I need to be worried?

- Mm-mm...maybe.

It looks like there's gonna be downsizing.

And it's part of my job, but... blech,

I-I hate it.

I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump

is that, uh,

I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired."

[as Trump] You're fired.

Uh, you're fired.

[normally] He just makes people sad,

and an office can't function that way, no way.

[as Trump] You're fired.

[normally] I think if I had a catchphrase,

it would be, "You're hired,

and you can work here as long as you want."

But that's unrealistic, so...

[phone ringing]

- It's a real shame, because studies have shown

that more information gets passed

through watercooler gossip than through official memos,

which puts me at a disadvantage because...

I bring my own water to work.

- Why'd you do this? - I didn't do it.

What do you mean?

Oh, the watercooler was brought over here

for...maintenance.

So what do you guys hear?

What's the scuttlebutt?

- Get set for "Operation Morale Improvement,"

starring Michael Scott.

Now, I think I've had a little stroke of genius

in that I have had my assistant, Pam--

smile, Pam--

I have had her go out and find out

whose birthday is coming up

so we can have a little celebration for them.

Not bad! Not bad at all!

All right, and the birthday person is--

drumroll, please...

* Here we go *

* Who is the person, the birthday person *

Who is it? Who's the birthday?

- Um, actually,

we don't have any staff birthdays coming up.

- Next person on the...calendar.

- Okay, um, that would be Meredith.

- Yes! All right! Come on down, Meredith!

- But it's not until next month.

- Um...uh, okay.

Well, great. Well, you know, it'll be a surprise.

- You still want to have a party?

- Yeah. Why not? Sure. Go ahead.

Live a little. Come on, Pam.

Come on. Shake it up. Shake it up.

Shake it up!

[trills] Uh, Spock,

are there any signs of life down there?

Well, let me check, Captain.

[imitates whirring]

No, Captain, no signs of life down here.

Just a wet blanket named Pam.

[laughs]

[trills]

"Star Trek."

- Well, uh, for decorations, maybe we could--

It's stupid. Forget it.

- What?

- Well, I was just gonna say maybe we could have streamers,

but that's dumb.

Everybody has streamers.

Never mind. - No.

Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

What color do you guys think?

- Well, there's green...

uh, blue...

yellow...red--

- How about green?

- I think green is kind of whorish.

- This was tough.

I suggested we flip a coin,

but Angela said she doesn't like to gamble.

Of course, by saying that,

she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.

- These are my party-planning biatches.

Pulled off an amazing '80s party last year.

Off the hook!

So I was thinking, if you haven't already

gotten a cake, um, maybe go in

for one of those ice cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins.

They're very good, very delicious.

- Meredith's allergic to dairy, so...

- She's not the only one that's gonna be eating it, right?

And I think everybody likes ice cream cake.

It's not, uh-- not just about her, so...

- It is her birthday-- - Mint chocolate chip!

Would be good.

How about some... mint chocolate chip?

- Hey.

So listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea

if you and I formed an alliance.

'Cause of the downsizing,

I think an alliance might be a good idea.

You know, help each other out.

Do you want to form an alliance with me?

- Absolutely, I do. - Good, good. Excellent.

Okay, now we need to figure out who's vulnerable

and who's protected. There may be...

- At that moment, I was just so happy.

I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me.

- Did you get your tickets?

- To what?

- The gun show.

[laughing breathily]

- And I spend...hours

thinking of ways to get back at him

but only in ways that would get me arrested.

And then here he comes, and he says,

"No, Jim,

here's a way."

- And there's one other thing, and this is important:

let's keep this alliance totally a secret.

- Yeah. - Don't tell anyone.

- An alliance? - Oh, yeah.

- What does that even mean?

- I think it has something to do with "Survivor,"

but I'm not sure.

Um... - [laughs]

- I know that it involves spying on people,

and we may build a fort in accounting.

- Jim. Hey. - Hey.

- Hi, Pam. Listen, can I talk to you for a second

about...the paper products?

Did you tell Pam about the alliance?

- What? No-- - Just now?

- Oh, no, no, no, no. Dwight, no.

I'm using her for the alliance.

Who knows the most information about this office?

Pam. - Right. That's good.

Good. Pursue this. - Well, I'm trying to.

- Mm-hmm. - Do you see what I'm doing?

- Mm-hmm. - But listen,

I'm gonna have to talk to her a lot, all right?

And there may be chatting and giggling.

And you gotta just pretend to ignore it.

Wipe it away. - Done.

- All right. - Okay.

- Can you get her? She's right there.

That is Meredith, the birthday girl.

And this...is Meredith's card.

"Happy Bird-Day!"

[laughs]

Um, let's see...Jim.

Jim wrote,

"Meredith, I heard you're turning 46, but come on.

You're an accountant. Just fudge the numbers."

Not bad. Pretty funny.

I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud, though.

Uh, here's the thing.

Whatever I write here

has to be really, really funny

because people out there are expecting it.

I've already set the bar really high.

And they're all worried about their jobs, you know?

It's kind of dark out there.

Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh,

"Oh, Meredith, um, happy birthday.

You're great. Love, Michael."

[scoffs]

[gags]

[laughs]

- They seem awfully chummy, don't you think?

- Yeah. What do you think that's about?

- Only one way to find out.

- I'm on it.

You are not going to believe this.

- What? I believe it.

- Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.

- I could tell from the body language.

- Hey, that looks good. What is that, turkey?

- Italian.

- Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow.

Got the works there: red onion,

provolone. - Yeah.

- Toby and Kevin,

they're trying to get Angela kicked off.

- Good. Let 'em. That's fine.

It helps our cause. - Well, I don't know.

Because if Kevin's in accounting

and Toby's in human resources and they're talking?

- Oh, they're forming an alliance.

- I love their sandwiches. - I love their sandwiches too.

- Yeah, their bread's really good.

- Their bread is very good.

- Damn it!

God! God! [growls]

[car alarm wailing]

[alarm chirps, wailing stops] - Okay, listen.

We need to assume that everyone in the office

is forming an alliance and is therefore

trying to get us kicked off. - God damn it!

[whispering] Why us?

- Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong.

God, it's freezing. I gotta go in.

You stay, though, okay? For, like, five minutes.

You don't wanna arouse suspicion.

- I'll stay for ten. - Good. I like it.

You know what?

Pretend to smoke.

- [clears throat]

- Meredith. Meredith.

Mere...Mere had a little lamb.

Mere...Meredith had a little lamb.

"Don't bring that lamb to work,

or it'll poop on the floor." [knock at door]

Hey! Oscar. Come on in. What's up?

- Uh, I'm sorry to bother you. - Oh, not at all.

Come on in. What's going on?

- My nephew is involved with, um,

a charity for cerebral palsy. - Mm-hmm.

- And I was wondering if maybe you'd like to...

you know, if-- - What?

- Uh, donate to the charity. - Oh, God.

Of course I would. Psh!

Get it over here! Get that over here.

- Thank you. - You know I'm always good

for some serious buckage.

Wow. $2? $3?

People out here do not care

about...diseases.

I'm going to give you

$25.

- That's...that's--

that's very generous. - Oh, my gosh.

Well, listen, Oscar.

Generosity and togetherness

and community

all...convalescences

into...morale.

That's what I say, so... [clicks tongue]

Right? - Yes. Yes, sir.

- All right. Good. - Mike, if that's

Meredith's card, I can take it with me if you're done.

- Actually--oh. I wanna bounce this off of you.

Um,

"Meredith, I'm writing this in big letters

so you don't need to use your reading glasses."

I'd write it in big letters. It'd be...

- It's funny. - Well, actually,

the letters would be huge. It's a visual thing.

- No, yeah. I-I... - And she'd see it.

- It's--it's good. - Yeah.

- It's funny. - Uh, well, yeah.

Just kind of... [clicking tongue]

You know, working it.

Just working it right now.

Working out the kinks. Um...

I'll just need a couple more minutes.

- Oh. Okay.

- [ponderingly] "Happy birthday, Meredith.

"You're--you're old.

You're just old."

- Hey, Jim. Can I talk to you for a second?

- Sure. What's up? - Um, I don't know.

I'm just, like, going a little crazy

'cause I keep overhearing all of these conversations

between Michael and corporate

about, like, staff issues.

- Oh, no. - Yeah.

He's making me take notes on these meetings,

and I'm like, "These people are my friends,"

but he's all like, "This is confidential.

You can't tell anybody," but...I don't know.

I just feel like I wanna-- [gags]

Just promise me you're not gonna say anything.

- I will not. I'm not gonna tell anybody.

- Okay. Yeah. - This is between you and me.

- Jackpot.

- That was beautiful.

All her idea too. Awesome.

She's so great.

Uh, by the way, have you heard Dwight

say the word "immunity" yet?

Because if I can get Dwight to say the word "immunity,"

might be the greatest day of my life.

- I can do a poem for Meredith's birthday

or a limerick. Limerick?

Um... [knock at door]

"There was a girl from Dunder Mifflin."

Come on in. "Who had a big smifflin." Yes.

- Hi. Do you mind if I sign the card real quick?

- No. Not at all. Come on in.

- [chuckles softly]

- No. No. You can't...

No. Red hair was my area.

We have it on tape, so...

- It's just a birthday card.

- I was going to put that in my message, Toby.

All right? So just cross it off.

Cross it off! Now!

[sighs]

What are you doing?

Oh, come on. You're ruining it.

Toby, come on! Just look--look at that.

That's wrecked. Ass.

Get some Wite-Out.

- There's some right there. - That's my Wite-Out.

Get your own Wite-Out. Just--

What's the matter with you?

- Nothing. - God.

Okay, um...

"There was a girl from Dunder Mifflin

"who had a big...

putifflin." Mm, Mifflin. Spifflin.

Meredith. Bad breath.

"Meredith has bad breath." [door clicks open]

- Hey. - Hey.

- You wanted to see me? - Uh, yeah.

What do you know about Meredith?

- I don't think she'd be missed.

- There's not going to be downsizing, Dwight, okay?

I just--I need to know a little bit more about...

my friend.

- Name: Meredith Palmer. - Mm-hmm.

- Uh, personal information: divorced twice, two kids.

Uh, employer: Dunder Mifflin Paper, Incorporated.

Awards: multiple Dundies--

- I know all that. I know--I know all that.

I just--I need something kind of embarrassing, you know?

Kind of fun, inside... [clicks tongue]

- She had a hysterectomy.

- Which one is that again?

- That's where they remove the uterus.

- Oh, God! Dwight, no!

I'm trying to write something funny here, okay?

What am I gonna do with a removed uterus?

- It could be kind of funny. - [sighs]

Come up with a joke that I can use, okay?

Help me out here. - Okay.

"Hey, Meredith, where's your uter-ith?"

- No, not a uterus joke, Dwight, please.

Something usable. A joke.

- If I find a joke for you, will you grant me immunity?

- [mouthing words]

- What? - From the downsizing?

- There's not going to be downsizing, Dwight.

You know what? I am on a deadline here.

And just--okay.

Thanks. Thanks for your help. I'm--

I'll work it out.

Thank you, Dwight.

That wasn't a waste of time.

Meredith.

Oh. Oh, man.

Oh, gosh, I can't remember why I came over here.

[chuckles] - I hate that.

- Right? Ugh, I know. Ugh.

So annoying.

[blows raspberry] Brain fart.

By the way, do you remember

any funny interactions we may have had recently

that I forgot about?

Like, just--you know, we...

bumped into each other and you said, "Brr, brr,"

and I went, "Rawr, rawr," you know?

Anything?

Well, if you think of something, let me know.

'Cause I'd...like to know. [chuckles]

'Cause I'm going crazy!

- Okay, here's the deal. - All right.

- Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting

in the warehouse during Meredith's birthday party.

- Oh, my God. We have to be there.

- I know, but it's gonna be a little tough

because there's no good place to hide down there.

- No, no. Yes, there is. Behind the shelves.

Oh, my God. - What? What? What?

- I know. I know exactly what to do.

- Great. - I'm a deer hunter.

I go all the time with my dad.

One thing about deer, they have very good vision.

One thing about me,

I am better at hiding than they are...

at vision.

This is gonna be perfect, okay?

Centrally located. Perfect cover.

I can hear and see everything.

- Good.

- Meredith. Meredith.

Mere-death. Death.

Death. Your death.

"Mere-death, you're gonna die a nasty death.

But happy birthday anyway." Um...

[hisses] Meredith.

Meredith. She's--she's--

Death. Mere-death.

"She's death warmed over."

Oh, come on. Oh, come on.

I don't know. Help me out. She has red hair.

Her name's Meredith.

No. No, I'm not doing the big-letter thing.

Meredith. Mere...

Mare. "You're a horse."

Ow! God!

Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it--oh, oh, oh, oh!

Okay.

No, that's not it. So...

[knock at door] - Michael.

- Just a sec. - Are you done yet?

- Almost there. Just a...second.

It is perfect. Thank you. Excellent.

Here we go. It is time. Thank you.

Okay! Come on, let's go! Get the cake!

Here we go. Come on! Come on! Come on!

Shh! Be quiet.

- Wait, this isn't gonna work. The lid's open.

- So tape it down. - I can't do that.

Then you won't be able to breathe.

- Look, I can breathe just fine, okay?

But if it makes you feel better,

I'll poke holes in the box.

- Thank you. Thank you. Okay.

[door creaks]

all: Surprise!

- Oh...surprise! - No, it's a--

- It's "surprise, Meredith!"

One, two...

all: [off-key] * Happy birthday to you *

- Find the key. all: * Happy birthday *

- So you want me to stay here

and, you know, stand next to the box, or--

- No.

You need to go upstairs to the party

so people don't notice that we're both gone.

- Right. That's good.

- Can I trust Jim? I don't know.

Do I have a choice? No. Frankly, I don't.

Will I trust Jim? Yes.

Should I trust Jim?

You tell me.

all: * Happy birthday, dear Meredith *

* Happy birthday to you *

- * And many more *

[overlapping chatter]

- Last year, five years ago. We're still here.

- I think red was the right choice.

- It's okay.

- It's perfect.

- Mm-mm-mm. Just okay.

- Phyllis.

- Cake looks good, doesn't it? - Yeah.

- Second piece, right?

Save some for everybody else. Thank you.

- My first one was small. - What? Yeah.

Okay. All right.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen,

how was your mint chocolate chip?

- Minty. - Mm! No, you need it

for your breath, right? [snorts]

[muffled] I'm kidding.

Pamela, how are you? - Hi.

- You know what they say.

Sugar is nature's aphrodisiac, so...

don't get too wild, all right?

Watch it. Watch it. [laughs]

You were surprised, weren't you?

- Yes. - You looked freaked, man.

When we said "surprise," you were, like, "What?

What the hell's going on here?"

- Yes. Yes, yes. I mean,

my birthday's not until next month.

- See, that's why we do things a little different here

at Dunder Mifflin, right?

Mm! Happiness level way up here now?

Way up here? Right. All right.

- Right. - Mmm.

Good cake. Why don't you have some?

- I-I can't. Um-- - Come on.

A little bit. A little bit. - No, no.

I can't eat dairy. - Oh, right.

Oh, God. Too bad. It's so good.

- Yeah, it makes me sick. - You know what?

If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself.

'Cause this is way, way too good.

- He's in a box? - Pam, he's in a box.

He's downstairs in a box on the floor near the shelves.

- [laughs] - I'm serious.

Go down there and work your magic.

- Okay. - Is that somebody's?

- Yeah. No, I'm saving this for Dwight.

Come on. Be a team player.

- [chuckles] - It is good.

- Hey, where are you?

Yeah, we were supposed to meet here.

[melodramatically] What?

Oh, my gosh!

That ties in perfectly

with something that Michael was telling me earlier.

I just don't know what some of the people

in, like, accounting are gonna do.

It said specifically that-- - [grunts]

[softly] Hello?

- Hey, Jim. Good party, huh?

Just a little something I...whipped up.

You know, a little morale boost.

- Yeah. - No big deal.

- Speaking of which, I meant to tell you.

Very impressive, the, uh, donation

you gave to Oscar's charity. What was that, 25 bucks?

- Yeah, well, you know,

money isn't everything, Jim.

It's not the key to happiness.

You know what is?

Joy. You should remember that.

Maybe give more than $3 next time.

- Yeah, well, $3 a mile

is gonna end up being, like, 50 bucks.

So...God,

I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give.

- Is Oscar around?

I just thought it was a-- kind of a flat,

you know, $25 one-time donation.

I didn't think it was a per-mile kind of deal,

you know, so...

- Well, that's what a walkathon is.

- I know-- - It says it

right on the sheet. - Mm-hmm.

- Look. Look at the sheet.

It says it's however many dollars per mile.

- Right. Got it. Yes. So it does.

Um...

- I just think it's kind of cheap

to un-donate money to a charity.

- No. No, no, no, no, no.

I-I wasn't--that wasn't what I was...

No, it's not about the money.

It's just...

It's the ethics of the thing, Oscar.

How's your nephew?

Is he in good shape? - Yeah.

- How many miles did he do last year?

- Last year, he walked 18 miles.

- Son of a bitch...

That is impressive. Good for him.

- It's okay.

I work in sales.

- Oscar. Oscar. - Yeah.

- Uh, for future reference... - Mm-hmm.

- Just think you should know

that you should probably make it clear

that your nephew is doing the walkathon

and that he doesn't actually have cerebral palsy, okay?

- I never suggested it. - No. No.

I know you didn't intend to, but I just got the idea.

And I, uh--I just don't think

it has a lot of ethical merit

to make people think something, you know,

and then prey on their emotions.

- Michael, if I gave you-- - No. Hey.

It's just kind of uncool, okay?

I--just play fair, you know? Play fair.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Okay. - [sighs]

- Happy birthday, Meredith.

- Read it out loud, and say who wrote everything

so we know whose is the best.

- "Happy Bird-Day!" [laughter]

"Meredith, good news:

"you're not actually a year older,

because you work here, where time stands still."

[laughter]

- Uh, I don't know about that. - That was Stanley.

"Meredith, happy birthday.

You're the best. Love, Pam."

all: Aww.

- [gags]

Thanks, downer. [scoffs]

- This is from Michael.

"Meredith, let's hope

"the only downsizing that happens to you

is that someone downsizes your age."

- Because of the downsizing--

rumors.

And because you're gettin' old.

- No, I...

I get it. It's funny.

- You didn't get the joke. So...that's cool.

That's--you know what? Actually, I have, uh,

a bunch of these...good ones that I didn't use.

Um...oh, where's that, uh...

Oh, okay. Here's a good one.

"Hey, Meredith, Liz Taylor called.

She wants her age back and her divorces back."

'Cause Meredith's been divorced, like, twice?

Is that right? - Oh, yeah. You're right.

- Did I get that right? Okay. - Right. Yes.

- Divorce.

Um...oh, okay.

"Meredith is so old..."

- How old is she? - If everybody could do it.

"Meredith is so old..." all: How old is she?

- "She's so old, she went into an antique store

and they kept her."

Well, that wasn't even mine.

I got that off the internet website,

so don't get mad at me.

"What's the difference between Meredith

"and Michael Jackson?

Michael Jackson's surgery was unnecessary."

- Are you talking about my hysterectomy?

- Yes! Thank you!

God, she gets it!

[chuckles]

Can we--we just pick the best one, right?

- [whispering] I am so sorry. - Just cut it?

- It's okay. Don't feel bad.

- Oh, come on! It was a joke.

You know, no. No, no.

Come on. No. Don't comfort...

Don't--don't comfort her. That's not--

she doesn't need comforting.

This is a roast. We're just joking around.

I think she's--no. That's very unprofessional.

I think she's being very unprofessional over there.

That's not...

- Nice party, Michael.

- This isn't my fault.

Um, ladies, not your best effort.

Streamers?

I think we could've done better than that,

don't you think? - Phyllis wanted red.

I didn't. - Oh, boy. You...

- Okay, wait. All right, people.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on just a second, okay?

I think we're losing sight

of what is really important here.

And that is that we are...

a group of people

who work together.

I was--I really wasn't gonna flaunt this.

I have made a very sizeable donation

to Oscar's nephew's...

walkathon.

$25.

- Per mile. - Per mile, yes.

And I have in my wallet...

[exhales heavily] Okay, 25 times 18,

which'll--I have $200.

- That's not even half. - I know it isn't.

When I retire, I...

I don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere.

I want to be the guy who gives everything back.

A check for the kids

and for the team.

I want it to be like,

"Hey, who donated that hospital wing

that is saving so many lives?"

"Um, well, I don't-- I don't know.

It was anonymous."

"Well, guess what.

That was Michael Scott."

"But, uh, it was anonymous.

How do you know?"

"Because I'm him."

- Thank you, Michael.

- Come here.

Don't cash that till Friday, okay?

- Okay.

Thank you.

- [whispering] Smile, Michael. Why isn't he smiling?

He needs to smile. Smile, Michael.

Smile. Big smile.

Big smile, Michael.

- Really? Today? - Yeah.

- Oh. Happy birthday. - Thanks.

- I could say something-- - Don't do that.

- All right.

[door bangs]

- [sighs, clears throat]

I'm only gonna ask you this once.

Are you part of an alliance?

- What? - [chuckles]

Well played.

- Okay, okay, I have something

that totally tops the box.

- Oh, tell me. Tell me. - Okay.

I have just convinced Dwight

that he needs to go to Stamford

and spy on our other branch. No, no, no, no.

But before he does so, I told him that

he should dye his hair to go undercover.

- Oh, that's perfect.

- If we can get him to drive to Connecticut

and put peroxide in his hair--

[door slams] - What the hell is this?

What, are you trying to cop a feel or something, Halpert?

- No, no, no, dude. No. - Hey, hey, hey!

- No, dude, I was just-- Listen. Whoa.

- Come on. - God, I don't even--

I don't even know how to explain this.

Um, uh...

Dwight asked me to be in an alliance.

[chuckles dryly] And then, um...

um, we were--

we've just been messing with him,

uh, because of the whole alliance thing.

Um... - It's just office pranks.

- It's stupid. It's just office pranks.

- An alliance? What the hell's he talking about?

- I have absolutely no idea.

- Come on.

- Do I feel bad about betraying Jim?

Not...at...all.

That's the game.

Convince him we're in an alliance,

get some information, throw him to the wolves.

That's politics, baby.

Get what you can out of someone,

then crush them.

I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.

- What lesson was that, Dwight?

- He's not supposed to be in here.