All language subtitles for In Sickness And In Health s01e03

When we got married, I took the merry
-go -round. In sickness and in health, I

said I'd do.

For a richer or for a dutiful heart. And
you said such an honour and a baby too.

But it wasn't very long before I soon
found out. No one who wore the trousers

was you.

Now after all these years of loss, I'm
pushing you about.

But in sickness and in health, I love
you.

Right.

I've finished. Come and have a look.

There you are.

Don't say I don't do nothing for you.

Next time, it's their turn to scrub
this. They're upstairs.

Hey, can you hear?

Next time, it's your turn to scrub this.

They say that this bit of passage
belongs to us. From the front door to

stairs, they say, is ours.

So it's our business to keep it clean.
All right, then.

If that is what they say, if this bit is
ours, they can't walk over it no more.

They can't come in and out this way.

All right? All right?

If that's your bloody game up there, if
this bit is ours, from the stairs

to the front door, you can't use it no
more. All right?

You can't come in and out this way. You
want to get out, you've got a bloody

ladder and climb out the window.

Don't walk over that until I've got some
paper down.

Where's the mat?

Out the back.

I'm going to give them a good banging in
a minute and get the dust out of them.

Well, don't do it yet.

Next door's got a washing hanging on.
Well, she can take it in, can't she? I

ain't hanging about waiting for her
washing to dry.

Anyway, I'm going to light a bonfire out
the back in a minute and burn up some

rubble.

That's rubbish.

I'll soon find some.

Why can't you wait till she takes her
washing in? She'll soon take it in when

light the fire, don't you worry.

Look, that is my garden out the back,
isn't it?

I pay rates for that bit of land, and if
I want a lot of fire, I'll bang me mats

out. It's my property I'm doing it on.

Well, it'd be more neighbourly to wait.

No, you'd have to walk all over you.
That's your trouble.

Where's he been? Number four again, I
suppose.

Morning tea gets over there, I can tell
you.

Morning. Mind where you're walking? I
just scrubbed all that.

Oh, blimey.

You look knackered, you do.

Do you know that that is the equivalent
of a 20 -mile run, that is?

What is?

What you was doing over here.

Well, it's harder than pushing a
wheelchair, especially after you've

block of flats.

Never mind. You won't have to do
anything like that anymore, will you?

Ain't you lucky?

Smart arse.

You want to set that up, Mrs G?

Oh, please, George.

Right -o. Let's see now.

Here we are.

Now... On Monday, you had two pints,
right? Yeah. And 20p each way on Crown

Prince. Now, that went down, didn't it?

Then on Tuesday, you had one pint, half
a pound of butter, and 20p on Ambrosia,

and that coming at 7 to 4 on. Yeah. Then
on Wednesday, you had two pints, a

quarter pound of tea, and 50p Irish
Lady, and that went down.

It fell down.

On Thursday, you had one pint, a dozen
eggs, a quarter pound of cheese, and 20p

to win on Lucky Charlie, which was
scratched.

You like them non -runners, don't you?

Then on Friday you had two pints, and
that's right, I collected something from

the dry cleaners for you, and paid for
it.

Now, what was it?

Oh, I know, it was the something of his,
wasn't it? Yeah. They said they

couldn't get the stains out.

They wanted to know what they were.
Yeah.

And then you had ten people in on
Midnight Express. Yeah, that was a good

coming at under two -eight.

So let me see. Add that, take that,
yeah, and that leaves... Yes, well,

right. I owe you two eggs.

All this gambling, I don't know. That
supplementary benefit, it's not supposed

to be used for gambling. It's supposed
to be spent on things we need.

We need eggs.

I want eggs. You don't always win, do
you?

Well, I mostly do.

Yeah, they all say that.

Well, fun.

I need a bit of fun.

Stuck in a wheelchair.

It's the only bit of fun I get.

Yeah, I don't know how much of that
welfare finishes up in the betting

You would.

Yeah, well, somebody has to pay that
money in, don't they, before it gets

out. Well, we all know that, Mr Garnett,
as it so happens. I am one of them

what's paying it in.

I'm not complaining. Well, I wouldn't
expect you to. It was your labour that

started all that, with all them free
handouts.

Well, you should think yourself lucky
they did.

I mean, they cost a lot of money, them
wheelchairs. That's what I'm forever

telling him.

I don't know where we'd be today if it
wasn't for the welfare.

It's a blessing, I think. Oh, yeah, it's
a blessing, all right.

Blessing for the bloody bookmakers,
isn't it? The way some of them spend

welfare in there.

All right, we was lucky.

I admit that.

We got a wheelchair out of it, but if
she hadn't been struck down and crippled

up the way she is, we could have gone on
painting for years and got nothing out

of it. Who called that lucky? Oh,
listen, listen.

You take your Liverpool, right? Now,
they're supposed to be so poor up there,

right, with all the unemployed.

But if they're so poor...

How is it I can afford two of the most
expensive football teams in England, eh?

How is it I can afford all them star
players, eh?

Simple. It's obvious.

It's your welfare.

Your welfare was paying, innit? Your
welfare's paying the greatest wages.

how do you make that out? All right,
I'll explain it to you. Listen, see, a

of them, when they get their welfare,
right, they're straight in the betting

shop with it. Leave it out, leave it
out. Never mind leave it out, leave it

You bloody listen, you might learn
something.

There's a hell of a lot more of that
money going through the turnstiles of

football, innit, eh?

I mean, up there in your Liverpool,
they're playing European matches. They

to. All right, used to.

They're still playing cup and league.
They're playing three times a week, both

teams. Where's the money coming from?
That's what I want to know. What about

water pools? Never mind about the bloody
pools, mate. The bloody grounds are

packed to the rafters, both of them,
aren't they? We're all out of work up

there. Nobody's working. Old town's on
the bleating dole.

Where's the money coming from? Let's go
in for the Thursday.

It's your welfare, isn't it? Your
Everton and your Liverpool is being...

subsidised out of your DHSS.

So we ain't so bloody lucky, are we?

We might have got a wheelchair out of
it, but we could have done with a bit

money for our football.

Mind you, it's right what you said about
your Europe.

I mean, it's not fair, is it?

Just because of the ignorance of a
handful of Liverpool hooligans, West

dreams of European glory has been
dashed.

Not bloody fair years West Ham's been
preparing for Europe. Bloody years.

Wasted years now, aren't they? Aye.

And just because of a few rotten, lousy
skaskets, just in their duty free, and

they won't pay their rates, will they,
like the rest of us? Oh, dear me, no.

What are you talking about, spoiling
West Ham's chances?

You've got to win something here before
you can get into Europe. We can win, we

can win, but there's ways of winning in
there.

And we wouldn't stoop so low as some of
your clubs do.

That's our trouble.

Oh, blimey.

Don't suppose I'll live long enough to
see West Ham win that European Cup? Your

grandchildren won't live long enough.
Shut up.

Oh, well, I've got to be off because
I've got to settle up with that young

unmarried mother in number 26.

What's all the spring cleaning for you?
We're expecting visitors.

We've got another hour of milk coming,
haven't we? So we have to get up six o

'clock in the morning and tidy up the
place for her.

I'm not going to think we live in a
pig's diet.

Fifth one, this is.

Social workers. They want to be social,
all right. They want to be too bloody

social. All they want to do is see you
drinking tea and jewellery. None of them

wants to do any work, it seems.

Bloody football hooligans.

You're a brand, and that's what you
ought to do.

Brand them across the forest.

Brand them for life.

So we can see them, so we can see who
they are.

Football hooligans.

Stay, Mrs. G.

you to have done. We've already done it
ourselves, haven't we?

It was late. You're supposed to be here
at nine o 'clock.

I left home at nine o 'clock.

My day starts when I leave home.

Oh, does it? Well, as far as I am
concerned, your day starts when you get

Anyway, don't make some arguments.
You're about to start on the bedroom.

I've tardied in here.

I've got some shirts in here I won't
wash in here and a pair of underpants.

I would like to point out to you, Mr
Garnet, I am not supposed to do

or clean any rooms used by active
relatives.

Solely used?

I've got your book here, missus.

It says solely used.

I don't use that bedroom solely.

She shares my bed with me.

Poor woman. Never mind about poor woman.

Your tiny boat half's in a room. You can
clear your own mess and wash your own

underpants. Not just my mess, it's both
our mess.

I'll do anything Mrs Garnet wants, but
I'll not be your dog's boss. You'll do

your job. That's what you'll do. I've
got your book here, missy. Don't you

no stunts on me.

I know my rights. And I know my rights.
Right, right. We'll see.

Here we are.

The type of work which your old milk can
be expected to do is those tasks which

you cannot perform due to handicap
illness or infirmity.

You're not handicapped, are you? No, but
my wife is, and the kind of tasks which

she cannot perform is looking after me,
isn't it?

and scrubbing and performing those
duties that a wife performs for her

That's your job. That's what the council
sent you round here to do, not to sit

around drinking tea.

And for a start off, I ain't had no
breakfast yet.

Oh, but you haven't had any breakfast
yet, Mrs Garland. No, she hasn't had any

breakfast yet.

Because the city has been too bloody
busy cleaning and tidying the place for

you. So she ain't had no time to cook me
no breakfast. I told her to leave it

for you. I told you you don't have a dog
and bark yourself.

Would you like me to make you some
breakfast, Mrs Garland? Yes, please.

And don't think you're getting away with
that two hours, neither, because I've

got that noted down. I'll have that
deducted from your bloody wages. You

come round here skiving, Mrs. Oh,
blimey. We're not soft in the head, you

like some of them you look after.

And another thing, for your information,
we know what we've got and what we

ain't got.

What do you mean by that?

We've had home helps before, Mrs, and
we've had things go walkies. Are you

insinuating something? I'm not
insinuating nothing. I'm just putting

straight. And while we're on the
question of security, I'd like to see

identity card, please, to verify that
you are a bona fide council employee.

I'm sorry, Mrs Garnett. I can't stay
here.

Not with him.

I couldn't bear to be in the same room
as him. I don't know how you manage it.

You have my sympathy.

I will not put up with talk like this. I
have never been talked to in that

manner before.

And in my work, I've come across some of
the lowest and most common of people.

Or so I thought until today.

I'm afraid you'll have to get back to
the council.

See if they can find you somebody else.

Somebody not so particular.

Don't spit on my head!

Today, I'm sorry.

You poor woman.

What's it got to do with you?

Mark it where I like, won't I?

My house?

Well, I'm not staying in the same room
with that thing.

It's a filthy, dirty habit. Get off.

You'll poison me.

Get off.

Pipe the back, that's all right.

It's healthy enough.

It's dangerous.

Dangerous? You smoke one of these,
missus, you'll come to no harm.

It's dangerous to be in the same room
with somebody smoking that...

Poisonous stuff. Get off.

Dangerous. Even if it was dangerous, I
wouldn't stop leaving smoking because I

am smoking for the health and prosperity
of the country.

For what?

Let me ask you a question.

Where does the nation derive its biggest
income from, eh?

From your tobacco tax, innit?

So if the whole nation stops smoking
tomorrow, all that money's down the

eh?

money to sabotage that, wouldn't it?

Ruining the economy of the country.

No, Mrs. What I'm doing is patriotic.

It's patriotic to smoke.

Rubbish. Not rubbish.

Not rubbish at all, my dear.

Do you know how much money was collected
last year from your tobacco tax?

Enough to pay for your National Health
Service and a bit over as well.

She wouldn't have no wheelchair for one
of the people like me smoking, and you

wouldn't have no job neither.

smokers, blind ass smokers.

You ought to get a medal for what we're
doing for the country.

And people like you who give up smoking
for health reasons and are too

frightened to smoke, you ought to be
given a white feather.

Eh? Never mind about eh.

Look, if a war breaks out tomorrow, if
you are called to the colours, you can't

refuse to go and fight because it's
dangerous, can you?

Same with you. Same with smoking.

Same with tobacco.

Don't give up smoking because it's
dangerous.

Neither is for the benefit of the
country. No.

I am smoking for England and the Queen.

God bless her.

And I refuse to work in a room filled
with foul smoke.

and waving her arms about and saying,
filthy Abbey, filthy Abbey.

Bloody British Railways train, our own
bloody railways, paid for out of our own

bloody taxis with fares. It's a bloody
crime. I'm sitting in a smoker, smoking

compartment, where smoking is allowed.

We are supposed to smoke. And a bloody
crowd of Asians gets in, bloody packies,

bloody niggas.

Not even born in this country, they're
stinking of bloody curry, they are.

And just because I like a pipe, me, an
Englishman in his own... country.

he was born in.

Well, they don't wear tax helmets
because they want to wear a bloody

I'm sitting in my own bloody railway
train, and this is because I like my

Oh, stop waving your hands about.

And I'm like bloody whirling dervishes
and opening the windows, they do.

I'll open a window. No, you won't, I may
ask. Get up out of here.

I'm fully attacking old people. This is
my house. This is me, missus.

This is where I live. This is mine.

This... Is this party empire still mine?

This bitch still free?

Here I do.

Ask for a glass of water.

In a minute. In a minute.

Ask for a cup of tea. It's in a minute.
In a minute.

Anything I ask you to do, it's in a
minute.

You say that once more. In a minute.

And I'll throw something at you. Will
you stop nagging?

I'm going for your prescription. I'm
going for it.

I said I would and I will.

When?

Stay away.

Stay away till she's done her work and
gone.

Life's not fair when somebody who wants
to be active, who prefers to be active,

loses the use of their legs.

While others, who wouldn't miss the use
of their legs,

who prefer not to use them anyway,

would be quite concerned. sent to sit
about all day doing nothing, are allowed

to go through life with legs that are
weighted on them.

You're moving at last.

You're wicked, you are.

I only hope he can hear you.

My legs could be on the way to being as
bad as yours are.

They ain't escaped.

Not yet, they ain't.

This leg's started... playing up the
same way you started.

Well, perhaps we'll both end up in a
wheelchair made for two.

I've seen it on the telly. Get over it.
I did, I've seen it on the telly.

Listen, they put your woman's hormones
in your bull's ear.

Hormones. Women's hormones. Women's
hormones.

Get over it. They put them down his ear.

How? How do they put hormones in his
ear?

With a syringe.

Well, any hormones.

Hormones. Women's hormones. Women's
hormones.

Well, it makes your bull fatter.

Well, hormones. Yes, hormones.

It blows him up, like, so they get more
meat off it, see? Well, hormones.

Hormones, yes.

It's hormones, yes.

Here's the danger.

If you get a bit of his ear, or a bit
what's been close to his

ear... Well, like his head, you mean?

Yeah.

It'll turn you into a puffer.

Eat his head, don't eat your bull's
head.

You do eat your bull's head. Not his
head.

You eat his head when you're eating your
mince. Get off, now.

And your hamburgers. Now.

You do. Look, what you're eating when
you're eating your mince, your mincemeat

and your hamburgers, is your bull's
head.

And it can turn you into a puffer.

What do you mean, the hormones?

Your woman's hormones? No, it's your
hormones, your woman's hormones.

Why do you think we've got so many
bloody poofters springing up like

all around the place?

Spreading your AIDS and your herpes.

I can't believe all that cobblers can
do.

I've seen it on the telly. You don't
believe everything.

Listen, there should be a warning.

A government warning.

This hamburger could turn you into a
poofter.

Not if you're a woman.

Yeah, well, it could have the reverse
effect.

What do you mean?

Like a lesbian.

Yeah, that's right.

See, it's the same thing.

Why are there so many lesbians? You see,
it's the same as your fellas, only

different.

Where they enjoy it, like, how they

do it...

Well, it's unnatural, isn't it?

I mean, consulting adults is all right
up to a point. Why, listen, I mean, yes.

Ah, but you've got to do a lot. I mean,
you don't mind a few of the Nancy boys?

Oh, no.

Have a laugh, have a giggle.

Yes, I heard they've got them in the
houses of Parliament now. The Nancy

Yeah. You don't want them in the
Parliament? You don't want them in the

Parliament, no.

You're lying somewhere, aren't you? You
don't want a brown hatter in number 10.

No!

Blimey, you can't say that when you're
pisking.

I've got news for you, I am pisking.

I ain't put no... No women's hormones in
this, mate.

Well, if they have, I'm following you
home, sailor.

is coming home?

I suppose you want your dinner now.

Well, I've got news for you.

We've already had ours.

But you're very lucky.

I've saved you some.

Sit, whiner.

I just cleaned that here.

Then it's all the same, you know, dear.