Original subtitles

Well, kids, it's Friday afternoon. You know what that means.

- We play Make-Believe Daddy. Yeah! - We play Make-Believe Daddy. Yeah!

Hi, kids, I'm home.

- Daddy. - Daddy.

Would you like your pipe and slippers now, Daddy?

And what would you like, beautiful?

Just hold me in your powerful argyle arms.

Kids, go put on some Johnny Mathis and get out of here.

No, not the sock again.

How come he gets a pipe and slippers?

I've had a cold for three days, I gotta sleep in the garage.

It's for your own good, Al. You know what they say:

"Starve a cold. Freeze a fever."

I've got a good mind not to tell you what happened at work today.

And it was real interesting too.

Sock Daddy almost got stuck in the lint filter today.

Yup, marriage stinks, have a kid. Kid stinks, have another.

And everything will be all right.

Well, let Sock Daddy top this.

I've been offered early retirement.

They've offered to give me a year's pay.

A check for $12,000.

- Daddy. - Daddy.

Would you like your pipe and slippers now, Daddy?

I don't get it, Al.

You mean, they're gonna pay you just to sit around the house?

Yes, Peg. Quite a little novel idea for you, isn't it?

But I don't know what I should do.

Well, that's never stopped you from taking me.

Shouldn't stop you from taking $12,000.

Oh, take the money, Al. I mean, look what work has done for you.

You got lines in your face.

Your cheeks are sallow. You lost all your hair.

Peg, that's what you've done to me.

But work can't be helping.

Besides, just think what we could do with that money.

Al, we could pay off our Visa.

Oh, do it for me, baby.

I don't know how much longer I can go without charging again.

I didn't work 20 years to pay off a Visa bill.

Creditors don't get one penny.

How dare they expect us to pay for five-year-old items.

I mean, if they're stupid enough to give me credit...

...Let them raise their interest. Let honest people pay for it.

All right, we have had enough.

Every day, our paper is missing.

We never see you take it, but we know it's you.

We have many signs that point directly to you.

Our stoop smells.

Our roses have been used as a restroom.

And I keep finding all of these loose hairs...

...All over our porch...

...Which look like they were once here...

...Here...

...Or in there.

How dare you accuse me...

...Or any member of my law-abiding family.

I demand an apology.

That's a-- That's a bad dog.

Yeah, I stole. But at least I wasn't the one who wet the bushes.

Look, you don't have to worry about us stealing anything anymore.

Al just got $12,000 for early retirement.

Oh, well, that's great, Al.

Why, you could live off the interest.

If you don't touch your capital...

...Your interest could earn as much as $12 a week.

Really?

And you could use the time off, old paint.

Don't wind up like my dad.

The man worked through his 70s, every day of his life.

- His back bent from work. - Was he a coal miner?

No, a gigolo.

He was always going to retire, but then it was too late.

He tragically died preparing for a job.

Burned to death in a tanning bed.

Well, at least he died the way he always wanted to:

No tan lines.

Jefferson still has the cotton balls...

...That were between what used to be his dad's toes.

I can't tan or eat a well-done steak without thinking of that man.

My poor baby. His was a close but tragic family.

His mother was an exotic dancer.

She was swallowed whole by her snake during a break...

...At Airport Totally Nude.

I can't wear a belt or buy an expensive pair of boots...

...Without thinking she's in them.

Come, Jefferson. In honor of your parents...

...Come dance naked for me and then pleasure me.

Yes.

Yes, I'll do it for Mom and Dad.

I just hope wherever they are, they're watching.

I think we might be better off if we bought our own newspaper...

...And get those people the hell out of here.

But there's something to be learned from Jefferson's extra-crispy dad.

There comes a time...

...When a man has accomplished all he can do.

- I think you already have. - I fear you're right.

But you know, it wouldn't be bad...

...To have a little extra money in the bank around this time.

So I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna retire.

And then I'll have more time to pursue my real hobby:

Hey, what are you doing out here?

We've got room for you too, right here in retirement village.

Day-o

Day day-o

Daylight come and I working no more

Daylight come and I working no more

I see deadly red tarantula

But I sit here with my hand In my pant-ula

- Happy, honey? - Yeah.

Good, because I think you've had enough time to relax.

You've slept late and you've sat down.

Now it's time to get another job.

But, Peg, we got $12,000.

Honey, how long do you think $12,000 is gonna last?

I mean, we've only had that money for an hour...

...And already it's down to $10,000.

And that is just for hair, nails...

...And $1800 worth of junk.

Now, honey, am I gonna have to spend all of this money...

...Before you realize it's time to get a new job?

But you know, it doesn't have to be just any job.

It should be something you can be proud of. A step up.

That's why I've made an appointment for you.

You see, there's an opening for a guy...

...To separate garbage into paper, plastic and spit.

If you hurry, you can be that guy.

Oh, Peg, why can't getting a job wait till tomorrow?

Al, there is a lot of competition out there in the job pool.

Why, every day...

...More illegal immigrants, some of whom speak English...

...Are out there flooding the job market.

Now, if you were a customer, what would you rather hear:

"Yeah, yeah, I'll get you a slushy"...

...Or, "Please, sir, I will gladly serve you a slushy.

Thank you for not killing me."

Believe me, honey. I love you.

And I wouldn't hire you to put phone-sex cards...

...Under windshield wipers.

Besides, you know, $10,000 is really--

Hello? Oh, yes, I did place that order.

Thank you.

Nine thousand dollars...

...Is really, really not a lot in this day and age.

Especially since we put it in my name to hide it from creditors.

Well, Peg, that reminds me. Where is my money?

Yeah.

Like I'm really gonna tell you.

The way you just fritter it away.

That'll be for me.

I ordered the entire Elvis plate collection from the Franklin Mint.

Now, there's no guarantee that they'll go up in value...

...But all the others have.

MS. BLAUB

And so, Miss...

..."Blaub" --

- Ms. Blaub. - Yeah.

I'm sorry, your name was partially obscured...

...By some errant flesh.

As I was saying, I'm just not going to take anything...

...Unlike you at a buffet.

So, what do you have for me?

Some Mennen Speed Stick in my desk.

Well, let me give you a little tip. It goes under your arms...

...If you could ever get them horizontal.

Well, I can see that you are a real people person...

...So let's get you the hell out of here as quickly as possible.

How many years of college did you have?

I was just entertaining myself.

Did you go to high school?

Polk High.

And while I find you fat and repulsive...

...I'll gladly regale you with tales of my four touchdowns in one game.

Oh, how rare it is to have someone who played high school football...

...In an employment office.

- Look, blob-- - Blaub!

I know your name. That was a descriptive term.

Now, look. I'm putting myself...

...In your sweaty, bloated hands here.

I'm looking for a career, not just a job.

You know, like a doctor...

...Or a guy who plays with hooters all day.

That would be an anesthesiologist.

Well, don't worry, I think we have something perfect...

...For a man with your qualifications. Tell me, do you have any skills?

Well, I'm naturally inquisitive.

For instance, I'm wondering just how strong...

...That chair is, you're sitting in.

I have the perfect job for you.

HOMEPLATE ATHLETIC SHOES

Okay. Line up. Customers will be coming in soon.

You guys ready?

All right, Bundy, meet the people you'll be working with.

I like to call them "the three Habibs."

That's management for you. They're all alike.

Never get to know your real name.

No, it is true. We are all named Habib.

Well, how do I tell you apart?

It is easy. You just call us Habib...

...And point to the one you wish to speak to.

That's what we do.

Is that not right, Habib?

Yes, it is, Habib.

Learn our names quickly, old one.

Soon we will be ownership Habibs.

The shoe store's for sale, and we are saving our money to buy.

Ah, just go ahead and play the lottery.

There's no money in shoes.

I was selling shoes when you guys were a gleam...

...In a New York taxicab driver's eyes.

Bundy, I've been called away on urgent business.

One of the prostitutes I use is free.

I'm leaving you in charge.

The whistle is yours.

Management.

I'm the boss.

Finally, somebody's mistrust in foreigners has put me in charge.

Okay. Huddle up.

All right, I'm running this team now.

And remember, there's no "I" in "shoe store."

Now, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna run a zone.

Habib, you cover running shoes.

Habib, you cover cross-trainers.

And Habib...

...You cover a hot dog with mustard and you bring it back here.

Ready? Work.

I like this.

I like this so much, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna buy this shoe store...

...And be the last American in this country...

...To own his own business.

Hi. I'm Charlene Tilton...

...And I'd like to introduce you to the Abdomenizer.

Hey, Mom, how did you ever get Charlene Tilton...

...To come exercise in our living room?

Well, I called to order one of those things...

...But I wasn't sure that I wanted to buy it.

So she rushed right over to answer all my questions.

It's easy and fun.

You just described me, you former Dallas cutie.

I like to call myself "Abdomenizer B."

But I don't need no stinking exerciser.

I get plenty of exercise up in my room.

Yes, but with the Abdomenizer, for the first time...

...You could have some company.

Peg.

Kids. Charlene Tilton.

Peg...

...I now know what's been holding me back all these years.

That would be us.

I bet he has a new plan to change his future.

I should have killed you years ago.

If you really wanna change your future, start with your stomach.

Why, I wouldn't be here if I didn't believe in it.

Oh, come on. You'd be here for a slice of cheese and a Ritz cracker.

Now, Peg, I know you could never guess...

...So I'm just gonna tell you.

I want to buy a shoe store. It's a gold mine.

No, I do not want your opinion. Give me the money.

Al, what woman would give her husband his money?

Honey, it just isn't done.

Peg, I need it and I need it now, baby!

Can't you see, Peg? I'm actually really excited about something.

Well, believe me, Al, I am the expert on this.

Wait about 30 seconds, you won't be anymore.

Well, Peg, I'm not gonna beg for it. It's my money, and I demand it.

Peg, I'm begging you for it. Now, Peg, give me my money.

All right, fine. We'll have a vote.

Who doesn't want me to have my money?

Now, that hurt, Charlene.

All right, I now know what I have to do.

Oh, Al, you're so cute.

You're gonna try to earn it by having sex with me.

No, Peg. Nope. Gonna take my pants off...

...Get a lawn chair...

...And sit in my underwear over at your college.

Tell everybody I'm your father.

And then I'm gonna go to your diner, where you work. Pull up my Hanes.

Tell them all I'm your father.

Then I'm gonna go prancing around your beauty parlor.

Oh, and did I mention, by then I won't be wearing any underwear?

And then, just for the heck of it...

...I'm gonna have a big sign that says:

"I've been using the Abdomenizer two years...

...And this is what I look like."

Now let's vote.

Who wants Daddy to get his money?

I knew you were all behind me.

Now, Peg, help me out here. What time is it?

Time to buy an Abdomenizer.

- It's 6:30, honey. - All right, 6:30. That's fine. All right.

Stores are closed. I have to go tomorrow.

Fine. Might be another buyer. I have to get there early.

This is going to be the biggest day of my life. Peg...

...The only thing you have to do, honey: Make sure I wake up at 8:00.

- Can you do that for me, baby? - I'll do it for you, baby.

You know, Charlene was really right about this Abdomenizer thing.

It does work.

Peg?

Peg, thanks for waking me right on time.

You know, it's 4:00 in the afternoon.

Well, honey, if I could handle responsibility, I'd have a job.

Great, no harm done.

I called to see if they sold the place without me and they did.

They sold it this morning. How about that?

Well, who cares? It was just a life dream.

You know what? Next time you have a dream...

...Let me know about it. I'll wake you up.

But, you know, the guy also bought my old shoe store.

So, you know, it's hard to find a guy with 20 years' experience...

...Who will work for minimum wage, so I got my old job back.

Oh, yay, Daddy.

Well, at least the slow one is trying.

But you'll all be rejoicing pretty soon.

Because I have $6000...

...And I'm going to invest it for the future of my family.

Six thousand dollars' worth of lottery tickets, Dad?

- Think winner, son. - We've just been handed a bulletin.

We have a winner in this week's Illinois State Lottery.

The winner lives right here in the Chicago area.

And who more deserving to win the $60 million...

...Than the lowest form of human life, a shoe salesman.

- Al, I think it's you. - It's me. It's me. I know it's me.

I know at last an American can dare to dream.

And the winner is...

...Habib, Habib, Habib.

ILLINOIS STATE LOTTERY HABIB, HABIB, HABIB

SIXTY MILLION DOLLARS

Hey, Dad. I got a seven and an eight.

I think we won $5! Five dollars!