Original subtitles

Al.

I knew you'd come back.

They all come back.

You're poison, Al.

But you're my kind of poison.

I'm hip.

Pleasure me, baby.

Oh, Al.

How dare you wake me up that way.

Who did you think you were kissing?

You.

I want you to tell me the truth.

Oh, all right. I was kissing my dream girl.

She was a magnificent young beast with a great body...

...And luscious hooters.

Oh, Al. You do dream of me.

All too often.

Now, honey, you might wanna freshen up.

We're going to your cousin Jimmy's wedding.

All right, open up.

Missed a spot.

There you are. Now you're all minty fresh.

No tartar under my arms.

Where's my suit?

Oh, God. Men never know where anything is.

A woman always knows.

Get up, Buck.

Go on. Good boy.

Well, at least it doesn't smell like you were wearing it.

Where's my dress shirt?

Where it always is, honey. At the bottom of the hamper.

Let's see here.

All right. Okay. Oh, there we go.

Here you are.

I swear, if your head wasn't attached to your body--

Yeah, Buck could be sleeping on it.

- This shirt needs to be ironed. - I don't feel like ironing.

- But it's a wedding, Peg. - Oh, all right.

Okay.

All right. I hope you're happy. I'm exhausted.

- Now get dressed. - What for?

You're gonna make yourself over for three hours...

...Till you look exactly the same way you do now.

- Where's my socks? - Right here, sweetheart.

Here you go.

But, Peg, they don't match.

And look here, look at this.

All right, well, let's see.

There you go. Now they match.

Feels good to give something special for a wedding.

Yeah. They're gonna love this clock. It's an antique.

Have you seen our antique cuckoo clock?

Do you have a warrant?

If my sister could form a thought...

...What she meant was, we are sick of being accused of stealing...

...Every time someone jimmies open your back door...

...And takes a clock and a pastrami sandwich.

Now, we demand an apology.

Yeah, and it wouldn't hurt to have pickles in your refrigerator either.

In other words, it wasn't us.

Well, you know, Marcie, we really don't have any proof.

It's Petey!

See, I told you they stole my clock.

Jefferson, they must be punished.

Something cruel and highly unpleasant.

How about you sit them down and talk to them for a while.

That's something they'll never forget.

So you don't like our little talks?

Well, we're just gonna have to talk about that.

Admit it, you always hated Petey.

Now, why would I hate something that pops out every 15 minutes screaming:

Every hour, every day, every week.

It keeps me up half the night.

I've seen Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network...

...A thousand times because of that clock.

And look my eyes.

Look at them. You know how many cucumbers it takes...

...To keep the puffing and the swelling down?

Well, I do.

So last spring...

...Petey didn't really just fall into the toilet bowl, did he?

I hated that clock.

Yes, I tried to kill him!

I wanted him out of my life, along with your Elvis plates...

...And your whips and your paddles, and your big--

Okay, honey.

I don't think that's appropriate talk to have in front of the little thieves.

Where are your parents?

Peg, leave it alone. It happens to be mine.

But it just hangs lifelessly.

Let me fiddle with it. I'll straighten it out.

For God's sake, Peg, you're gonna pull it off!

Now it's too long.

Most women like it that way.

I don't care what women like. I'm the one gotta lug it around.

How can these children possibly know right from wrong?

They need a strong male figure in their life.

What are you gonna do, Marcie, move in?

What exactly do you mean by that?

Do you think I'm bossy?

Because I don't think I'm bossy. Not bossy at all, missy.

Are you calling me masculine?

Because I am not masculine. I'm feminine!

And my softness is out there for all to see.

Now, if you don't want a hook to the liver, little man...

...You'll pick up that clock and march on home!

It's kind of heavy, Marcie.

Just get the door.

I can lift it. Yeah, and I'll be able to lift it tonight...

...When it comes time to dump old Petey in the toilet.

Hey, Petey, surfs up.

Which shoes do you like better?

I don't care.

- Which shoes do you like better? - I don't care.

Come on, Al. I'm your wife.

I'm a reflection of you, and I wanna look good for you.

Besides, you are a shoe professional, and I'd like your opinion.

Well, given the colour of your hair...

...The colour of your dress, the time of the day...

...And the nature of the event...

...It is my professional opinion that--

Like the gold.

Fine. Then I'll wear the black.

Now hook me up.

Why do women buy clothing that fastens in the back...

...So they need help to get dressed?

You don't hear men in the locker room saying:

"Hey, Fred, give me a hand with this zipper."

Yeah, they're just saying, "Hey, Fred, smell this.

I don't need a shower, do I?"

So how do I look?

You look nice.

Then I have to change.

I was only kidding you, Peg. You look terrible.

I'm embarrassed to be seen with you. Come on, Peg, let's go.

Listen, Kel, I need some help.

There's gonna be some girls at the wedding...

...And I'm planning on buttering one up.

Now, what do you think would be my best pick-up line?

All right. How about this:

"Hey, Miss, I'm the Keebler elf. Would you like some free cookies?

If you've got the time, I've got the Hollow Tree."

Yeah, maybe I asked the wrong person.

You're used to responding to, "Yo, here."

Oh, okay, you little gibbon. How about this?

You see a girl, but before she sees you...

...Stand on her feet so she can't run.

Then you say to her:

"You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.

I'd love to share a night of incredible sex with you.

No names, no questions, no regrets. Come be one with me."

You really think that's better than:

"Let's do it. I have my own bedroom in my parents' house"?

- Hi. - Hi.

- Oh, my God. You guys look so great. - That dress looks so pretty.

The three of us are gonna make one beautiful bridesmaid.

Hey, wait, are we in different colours?

Well, you'd know. You're the smart one.

- Let's colour-coordinate. - Okay.

Who's he?

I don't know. From up here he looks like an ant.

Hi.

Where did Corky and Heidi go?

One of them had an idea, and the others are crowning her queen.

They were supposed to come right back.

I'm driving them to the church.

See anything you like?

Indeed I do.

I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

I'd like to share a night of incredible sex with you.

No names, no questions, no regrets.

Come be one with me.

What? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.

I was distracted by the pain.

You're standing on my foot.

Did anyone ever tell you how much you look like the Keebler elf?

Well, you wanna come upstairs and see how cookies are really made?

What am I saying? Of course you wouldn't.

Let's go upstairs and bake.

You should come too.

Now, thanks to me, we match.

I think we made an excellent choice.

Nothing says "bridesmaid" or "easy" like short, black leather.

Hey, Janie's not in the car.

Well, we can't wait for her. We'll be late.

Relax. They can't start the wedding without her. She's the bride.

Well, she couldn't have gone anywhere. Her car's still outside.

I just called Information. They are morons.

They didn't even know that Janie was getting married.

They didn't know anything. They didn't even know who I was.

God, they should call themselves Stupid-nation.

Well, where could she be?

She's in here with the time lady and the weather guy...

...And that jerk who just goes...when you leave the phone off the hook.

Sometimes I wish I could yell real loud so I wouldn't need a phone at all.

Kel, I was talking about Janie.

God, what could a bride be doing before her wedding?

Hi, guys.

Bud was just showing me around the house.

Wow, cool outfits.

Nothing says "bridesmaid" or "easy" like short, black leather.

Well, come on. Let's get me married.

Aren't you nervous?

Not anymore. I'm loose as a noodle.

Bud?

What did you do?

A gentleman never tells.

I had sex.

With a girl.

And I did it good.

- Oh, my God. - That's what she said.

Twice.

What? Once when you got undressed...

...And again when you put on your bunny slippers?

Save your barbs for someone who's not getting any.

Like Mom.

I feel good. Yep, I do.

Talk all you want. Nothing can bring me down.

You just had sex with your cousin Jimmy's bride.

Well, that did it.

God, I look great.

I am so glad I'm not one of those women who needs a lot of makeup.

Oh, please.

Only Tammy Faye, Zsa Zsa and Bozo use more.

Oh, come on, Al. Admit it. I look great.

Hey, I'd look great too if I used makeup.

You know, I'd be one dynamite-looking babe.

In a masculine way.

I could highlight my eyes. They're my best quality.

Baby blue.

Like Sinatra, Newman, the sea.

Well, maybe my second-best quality.

Because I'm known for my killer butt.

Oh, yeah. It's very nice, honey...

...And has more hair on it than your head.

That's because my butt doesn't wake up in the morning looking at you.

That's not your butt?

Oh, God, we have so much fun together...

...Especially when we're belittling you.

But you know, I really do--

I think I look as good as I did the day we got married.

Well, that's your opinion. You take the calls.

Now, come on, Grumpy.

You know you love me.

Go on. Say it.

I don't want to.

Come on, Al.

I love beer. I love bowling.

I don't wanna cheapen the meaning of the word.

All right, then. Don't say it.

Just kiss me...

...And make it a good one.

I'd almost kind of rather say it.

Oh, all right.

Oh, Al. Now you've ruined my makeup.

Oh, I'll have to start all over.

I never thought you'd really kiss me.

- God, what an idiot. - Oh, now, Peg...

Oh, my God.

I can't go to the wedding.

I must never ever see Janie again.

Although she might kill herself...

...When she finds out she can never touch this again.

I mean, I know I would if I couldn't touch me again.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Boy, that really is safe sex.

There's something I have to tell you. What we did might have been wrong.

You know, with the wedding and all.

Look, I made a mistake. I don't know how I could have done this.

Don't blame yourself.

Blame God for giving me this body.

No, it was my fault.

I wanted a final fling with someone I could never be interested in...

...Or attracted to.

And you were perfect.

Thanks, baby.

I knew it was perfect.

But you're right. It can never happen again.

- For Jimmy's sake. - And ours.

Since we both know he's a psychopathic ex-con.

- I mean, ten years for attempted murder. - That's right. I heard he did a drive-by.

Well, I gotta go now.

Good luck.

I knew you'd come back.

They always come back.

But they don't always bring their sisters.

Al.

You again.

Come on, honey. Let's go.

And they say women are the slow ones.

You know, this is an historical first.

We are actually in the bedroom, and I am waiting for you to finish.

Peg, if I need the time, I will take the time...

...Because I care about what I look like.

I'm ready.

Honey, do you ever think what it would be like...

...If we never got married?

Actually, I was thinking that right now, Peg.

Seriously, Al.

Seriously, Peg.

Oh, come on. Your life would be hell without me, and you know it.

You couldn't find anyone better than me.

Come on, admit it. I'm your perfect mate.

- Admit it. - No.

All right, then. Why don't you give me a picture...

...Of what your ideal mate would be.

Fine.

A magnificent young girl...

...With a beautiful face, slim thighs...

...And a firm apple of a heinie...

...And a set of delicious, scrumptious hooters.

Oh, Al, it's me!

Oh, honey, you would marry me again.

No.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

What a beautiful bride.

Looks like we'll have a little time before the wedding.

Good. I didn't like this dress anyhow.