Original subtitles

It wasn't rude to wear your name. It started out the longest thing.

It wasn't rude to wear your name.

And now I've got to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I've got to see the basics.

You know, with your folks gone, we should run around that house in our

like a risky business.

I'm not wearing underwear.

Even better.

Where's your pop, anyway?

Climbing a mountain.

But it's scary, because the last Jew who climbed a mountain came down with two

stone tablets.

And if you wanted to climb something tall, I always recommend a supermodel.

You know, it doesn't seem fair that the plants get to drink and we don't. Yeah,

that's because Ivy and Fern don't get drunk and go to bars to cross

Which is a shame, because I would pay very good money to see it. You're going

the wrong bars, because I'm telling you there are a lot of desperate girls out

there named after plants.

Why are you bringing up booze, huh? You thinking about drinking?

I am now.

I'm serious.

You know, it's okay to admit if you miss your parents. I'll admit it if it is

true. But if you don't admit it and it isn't true, it's just like wine.

Like if I admitted that I like your shirt.

Oh.

You're spraying my mother's monkey.

Yeah, there could only be an improvement.

What does she call it thing? Like, curious George mocks the art world?

Oh, my God.

I cracked the frame.

Fuck the frame. Let's crack the frame. What are you doing?

I'm doing what the program says. I'm taking a searching and fearless

of my parents' safe. You think you should do that? You know, you should not

touching other people's private stuff.

Why not? I don't mind when people touch mine.

Yeah, hence the lack of underwear.

You know the combination?

It'd have to be something she remembers. The way she drinks, that narrows it

down. Like, maybe it's your birthday.

I said something she'd remember.

Like her birthday, yes.

Oh, there's nothing good in here.

It's a bunch of stupid papers.

Well, oh, there's no microfilm? There's no license to kill? You mean your mom is

not Secret Agents 007 and 7?

Look at this. The last will and testament.

Cool. I wonder what I'm getting. You should not look at that until your folks

are gone.

They are gone.

Look, if they didn't want me to read this, they shouldn't have sealed it in

envelope, locked it in a safe, and hid the safe behind a grotesque piece of

artwork in plain view.

Oh,

I can't believe this. What?

They're leaving everything to Jerry and nothing to me.

What? Come on, you're not a lawyer. You probably read that wrong.

Look, I may have sloshed off a few million brain cells in the 80s, but I

read all our earthly possessions are bequest to our son.

Bequeathed. So what, they're leaving me all their unearthly possessions like the

lodge on Mars?

Don't fly off the handle. I can't fly off the handle. They didn't leave me

Today, I'm flying a news chopper with that reporter Juanita, and my eyes are

watering, and I'm coughing. I'm thinking, damn, this smog is bad.

And come to find out, it's Juanita's new perfume called Torment.

Let me tell you, that shit is amply named.

Now, anyone else want to share?

Hi, I'm Alex, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Alex.

Oh, she's hot.

Just take a look at that rack. I know, man. I'd love to ball those melons.

Yeah, well, too bad for you. She's gay. She is not.

Yes, she is. I know these things. Gaydar. Please, you could see a woman

penis in her mouth, and you'd say she was gay.

I feel like that woman's winking at me.

So I guess it's God's will for me to be single right now.

Thanks, God.

50 bucks says she's straight.

Fifty bucks?

Do you know how many people I owe money to?

Yes, I'm three of them.

Well, ten bucks is the best I can do, and I'm going to have to borrow that.

I meant now.

But the point is, as much as I wanted to drink, I didn't.

Even though Terry broke up with me.

Men!

He just couldn't handle the fact that I am bisexual.

What do you mean you win? She's not gay. She's bi. Oh, come on. There is no such

thing. Just because she has one foot still in the closet. Good. Find

for me to grab onto and pull her back in. I bet you that not only is she not

gay, she'd rather go out with me than with you.

Oh, really? You want to put your money where my mouth is going to be? Double or

nothing. She ain't even going to give you the time of day.

Well, only because it'll be hard for her to look at her watch when her feet are

in my crotch.

They're poetic.

It's very nice. You know, if just 12 more lines, you'd have a sonnet.

Yes, Trudy Frank.

What do you mean you can't find her? You're on a boat. Where is there to go?

Look, it's very simple. Just walk over to the bar, yell out last call, and hand

the phone to the blonde lady who's throwing a tantrum.

Hello?

Hi, Doc.

Hey, Billy. Sorry we're late.

We were out shopping for minivans. Shot a great one with a CD player and a built

-in child safety seat. Yeah, and a vanity mirror.

Not that I'm vain. That would be a sin.

As is greed.

So you're out spending your inheritance already.

What are you talking about? I read Mom and Dad's will, and you're getting

everything, and I'm getting fucked.

Okay, if she's going to be having one of her sex dates, we ought to leave.

Will, wait, what are you saying? Mom and Dad are dead?

No, but when they do die, you get everything.

Oh.

Oh. I mean, I can't believe this.

Well, sorry, Billy, but you know what the good book says?

No, but I'm sure I've been left out of that, too. It says the mink shall

the earth. Well, you can have the earth. All I want's the house. Billy, you know

what? I'm sure that there is a reasonable explanation.

Yeah, of course there is. They like you better. You've always been their little

favorite.

The miracle of this, Hanukkah, is that I had enough Valium for eight days, but I

took it all today.

Who cares? I want to open my present.

No, no, no, darling, no, darling, that's Jerry's.

War out! A super duper magic hit!

Thanks! Great, huh? Now, close your eyes and concentrate and let's see if we can

create some magic.

No, no, no, not you, dear.

Abracadabra! Woo!

Look at that. You made a bike appear.

Cool. I wonder what else I can make appear. Hey, don't push it, Houdini.

What do I get? What do I get?

Nothing, because you made Mommy's perfume disappear down the toilet.

Because it smelled like shit.

Billy!

See, even back then, you got everything, I got nothing. Yeah, because you acted

like a little brat.

It's because they treated me like shit.

Billy! Well, they did, and they still do.

I mean, this will might as well say, we love our son Jerry and hate our

daughter. What's her name?

Well, Billy, I'm sure your parents know your name. Come on, Billy.

Mom and Dad love you.

I love you.

Jesus loves you.

Well, Jesus and I have a lot in common.

We were both hung out to dry.

You're overreacting. Oh, that is what rich people always say about poor

It's very easy to be calm when you're a millionaire lying by your pool.

We don't have a pool.

But you will.

We will?

I've always wanted a pool.

Yeah, I bet you did.

It sure beats floating on a tire in the swamps in the Ozarks.

Ma, I wish we had a pool. I just bumped into a dead possum.

Well, bring it on in and we'll cook it for supper.

Well, that is ridiculous, because a dead possum would sink to the bottom, and a

gator would get it before we could. Could you both calm down? How can I be

when I was disinherited, okay? I was planning on falling back on that money,

now when I fall back, it'll be into the gutter.

There your mouth is.

I'll be competing for spare change with all these other homeless people who have

more experience and dibs on all the best corners. They'll have a leg up on me,

or half a leg in some cases. Bill, you're not homeless, okay? We're

your home. But you could use a good cleaning.

I know how to get rid of some of the clutter. Get out!

Go! Go!

No, you're blowing this out of proportion.

Look, you know what?

I'll give you half.

Well, let's not be hasty. Look, you don't understand.

I don't want you to give it to me. I want them to give it to me.

My parents are not going to get away with this. I'm going to contest the

You can't do that. They're not even dead.

I can fix that. I know people.

I knew a guy who once killed a man with a lead pipe. We all know that guy.

That's Irwin, okay? Right now he's too old to even lift a lead pipe.

You can't even lift a spoon. That's stupid. You're not going to kill

I know that.

I don't know what to do. I've been thinking about it all night.

I keep wondering, why would they do this to me?

And more importantly, what can I do to them?

Young lady, this is a case of alcoholic insanity.

Exactly. And that's what I'm going to say about my mother when I contest the

will. I'm talking about you.

Me?

I'm sober.

You're still an alcoholic.

Yeah, that's why they call it alcoholism instead of alcohol wasn't. We

alcoholics have a tendency to let our feelings run roughshod over the facts. I

have the facts. I have a legal document. You can't get any more facty than that.

You talk to your parents about it? No, I can't get either of them on the phone.

Yeah, because your mother's at sea and your father's climbing a mountain.

Precisely. Do you see the lengths they go to to avoid me?

Can you blame them?

Oh, fine.

You just keep making jokes while my life is falling apart, but I'm not going to

take this line down.

If you're going to leave me nothing, then I'm going to leave them nothing.

She's got that I'm going to do something stupid look in her eye.

Oh, man, and so do you.

Hello. Hope I'm not interrupting.

You are. Hi.

I'm Dave, and I own this place.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

God, you know, I was going to repaint this place, but with you here

it up, I don't think I'm going to have to. Do you say that to all the girls?

usually his opening line is, how much? Oh, I bet you could have any girl you

want. I bet you're right. I bet dinner tonight.

Oh, she has plans.

I'm making her dinner.

Oh, really? Well, then I'll visit you at the hospital afterwards.

Are you two fighting over me? Oh, would you like us to, you know, because I

could kick his ass.

If you can lift your leg, why don't you shave it? Oh, I would, if you didn't

doll my razor on your back.

Listen, listen, since you two are roommates, I would love to have dinner

both of you.

I'll be there tonight at seven.

Okay.

Leg?

Double or nothing?

Absolutely.

We start at the dinner table. Whoever gets her into bed first wins. Okay.

wait, wait. We've got to set some ground rules. Oh, such as?

What counts as a win? You know, going all the way for you. That's only third

base for me. Okay, fine. You don't actually have to slide into home, but

gratification must occur.

See ya.

Did I hear right? Are you two betting on who can fuck that poor topper?

That's just wrong.

This girl is fighting for her sobriety. And the last thing she needs to do is

sleep with either one of you.

That's why my money says neither one of you get it.

I

want

to buy this.

Do you have it in white?

Hold on, I'll check.

No.

Isn't that a fabulous work of art?

What does it say to you? Well, you see how the monkey grasps? The apple, the

fruit of knowledge.

Well, to me, it represents the birth of consciousness and the death of

innocence.

Wow. To me, it says... Anyway.

It's yours for $500.

The frame's cracked.

I'll give you $90 and a pack of camels.

Hold. You take good care of Dr. Zayas.

Damn, don't you?

Why is there a sign in the front yard? saying everything must go? Because

everything must go, including you. Anyone want to buy a hillbilly for 50

Billy, are you selling your parents things?

Well, I'm trying to, but, you know, you can't give away some of this crap.

That is a lovely jacket.

I'll give you a dollar for it. Well, it's not for sale. None of these things

for sale.

You stop this right now or I'll call the police.

Not from here. I sold the phone. Now run along or you'll be late to your book

burning.

a way to treat family. Oh, Tish, you know, come on. You're lucky to be in our

family at all. I guess I am, because I'm going to have a pool, and with that

attitude, you won't be invited over to swim in it. Oh, God, are you kidding?

Jerry will be on his second wife by then, and she'll get to keep the pool.

I'll have you know, Jerry loves me as much as the day we got married.

Yeah, which wasn't much. Do you know what he said to me at your wedding

reception? He said, I just made the worst mistake of my life.

That is not true.

Jerry wouldn't say that.

Well, if you don't believe me, go ask him yourself.

Oh, hey, and while you're at it, tell him his comic book collection is priced

move.

This is delicious, Jackie.

Thanks.

I've never made this recipe before.

Yeah, she usually only cooks things on a spoon.

At least I know how to use silverware. How would you like a fork in your eye?

Actually, that proves that you don't have to use silverware. Well, am I going

have to separate you two?

Because I don't want to.

Well, how would you like some of my rice?

Or maybe you'd prefer mine wild, spicy, right?

Of course, if you prefer minute rice. Dave's your man.

My rice cooks all night long.

Thank you.

I think I'd like Dave's both.

You

know...

Alex, you mentioned that you're a dancer. That must be why you have such

legs. Yes, they seem very firm.

Thank you for noticing.

I'm hot.

Anybody can see that.

You guys have a really nice place.

Thanks, I decorated.

Yeah, well, all the artwork is mine.

Of course, that's the only thing in here that is well hung.

Would you like to look around? Because I could show you all the nooks and

crannies. Hey, nobody knows their way around a nook and cranny like me.

Look, I am not usually this forward, but would you like to go to bed?

Uh, who are you talking to?

Both of you, silly. I'm talking about a freeway.

Oh.

Ah,

I'm getting pretty good at this.

Going to business.

Of course, they'd have to climb through windows to get to people's houses.

And they might have alarms or dogs or ugly stuff.

Then if they came home and found someone selling their stuff, they might think I

was dealing in it and they might be right.

I'm glad I got this through.

Hey, good job, Billy.

Thanks to you, Tisha's locked herself in the bathroom and won't talk to me.

Oh, you could have just called me to thank me. How could you do that? How

you do that? How could you tell her that I said marrying her was the biggest

mistake of my life? Because that is what you said at your wedding. No, no, I

didn't, okay? You don't remember because you were too busy being drunk and

ruining the wedding. I was the life of that party. You know, a lot of people

like the idea of a naked lady jumping out of the cake at their bachelor party.

Very few want one jumping into the cake at their wedding. Jerry, I was just

trying to lighten things up. Everything was getting so serious.

We were saying our vows.

Which was not the mistake.

The mistake I was talking about was inviting you.

Boy, was that unclear. Because anyone would have assumed you were talking

marrying Tish.

Especially anyone who was drunk when you were telling them. Oh, yeah. Well, were

you drunk today during this Focaccia garage sale you held?

Shit! I forgot about the garage. I could have sold the cars.

Billy, what the hell is going on with you?

Look, I am hurt. And I'm trying to teach Mom and Dad a lesson. And the lesson

is, if you're going to write someone out of the will...

Don't give him a key. See, that is so like you. You know, you're mad at Mom

Dad, and I'm the one who ends up suffering.

You are not suffering, okay? You're going to be in Brentwood with a pool

kids, and I, on the other hand, had to sell Mom's monkey just to get by.

Mom has a monkey?

Not anymore.

Because of you, the monkey had to go live with a stranger.

I hope you can sleep at night in your Brentwood man tent.

I live in Culver City, where my wife has been locked in the bathroom for the

past three hours crying her eyes out.

Which reminds me, I have to pee.

But after that, I'm washing my hands.

Of you.

Well, you know, money sure changes people.

I can't believe we're doing this. Neither can I.

All right, double or nothing, right? The first one to get her to orgasm wins.

This isn't a plot to try to get me into bed, is it? Because I've seen the way

you look at me. Look, just because you're a lesbian does not mean you're

invisible. You know, I think you're...

Really cute.

Really? Yes.

Because, you know, I thought about us. I mean, not that I think I could ever be

with a man, but if I could, I'd want it to be you.

I never knew that. That's really sweet.

Of course, thinking about it is making me nauseous.

That's too bad, because it's working for me.

You know, maybe we shouldn't do this. I can't sleep with you unless I find you

repulsive. Well, it would make me feel more comfortable.

You're a fucked up dyke. Well, not yet, but I bet I beat you to it. Oh, this is

so weird.

Don't worry about it, sister, because it's all going to be over with in no

at all. I wouldn't brag about that, Dave. Remember, the bet is not about you

reaching orgasm first.

I got plenty of control. Otherwise, that would have been over with at the dinner

table. Well, just watch where you put that thing.

This has a name?

Oh, yeah.

Little what?

That must be named Captain Cock.

Oh, that frightens me.

Because I don't want it to boldly go when old man has gone before.

Wait a minute, I just thought of something.

What if we're both touching Alex at the same time? How are we going to know who

wins? You know, I don't want to go dribbling the ball all the way down the

court, laid up, and then have you get the credit for tapping it in.

Oh, well, don't worry about it, pal, because once I get started, you'll just

warming up the bench.

Are you ready?

Hey.

Oh, it feels so good.

What are you talking to her? Is what she's doing feeling better than what I'm

doing?

Stop copying me, Dave.

Oh, Dave, this is great.

Good.

Kiss me.

She's talking to me.

How? You're hurting her.

Because you shoved me.

You guys are giving me an arm burn. What is the big rush?

This isn't a race.

Right. Now slow down, Jackie.

Slow down, Dave.

Hey, that one's mine. Go touch the one on your side. I could touch her anywhere

I want, anytime I want to.

No, you can't.

I'm not adorable.

Would you shut up and get excited already?

I mean, I mean, isn't that exciting?

Not so far.

Well, you could help a little bit. You know, you're just lying here like a lox

making us do all the work. You're one lazy bisexual.

Oh, okay.

That is it.

I'm leaving.

Why? You scared her out of bed. I wouldn't mind her falling.

Win what?

You two bet on me?

Not much.

Oh,

I can't believe this.

I came here for a nice normal three -way and you had to turn it into something

sick.

That was embarrassing.

I'll say.

We'll make penthouse for him, that's for sure. It will when I write it.

Well, you know, we may still be able to salvage the evening.

Oh, you mean with some dessert?

Oh, yeah.

Dave? What? I was talking about brownies.

So was I.

That was just like, you know, a pre -brownie hug.

Oh, did the handsome man by the pool buy me a drink?

No, you ordered it.

Oh, yes. It's all coming back to me now.

Here's the phone.

Oh, the handsome man by the pool is calling me.

No, you asked for it.

I remember.

Oh, but the tray. He said the tray.

Sure, here.

With his love.

Well, isn't it nice of him to send me all these lovely gifts, but tragically

him, I'm here with my new lover.

I'll break it to him gently.

Okay.

Hello? Hello, darling.

It's Saturday night. I knew you'd be home.

Mom, it's Wednesday morning.

Well, I'm in a different time zone, darling.

You know, I've been trying to reach you for days.

But if I had to speak with you every moment, it would hardly be a vacation,

would it?

Vacation? You deserted us and ran off with another man.

You say desertion.

I say vacation. The point is, they both ended shun.

Yeah, as in cut out of the will, shun?

No, no, not really, darling, no. You can't just throw a shun at the end of

word. What the hell are you talking about?

I'm talking about the fact that I found the will in the safe behind the monkey

painting. You know the combination.

I haven't been able to open that safe in years.

What is it? It's your birthday.

It is?

Happy birthday to me.

Is that why you called me?

Mother, you called me.

You didn't call me on my birthday. I should cut you out of the will.

You already did that. The will I found says that Jerry gets everything and I

nothing. Oh, that will.

Oh, we wrote that will years ago when things were different.

I can't believe I got rejected again.

Darling, you really should stop asking girls out until your skin clears up.

I was talking about college, Mother.

Oh, dear, oh.

Well, come on, chin up, darling. You still haven't heard from that

correspondence school, which is odd because you'd think they'd write.

Mommy, you'll never guess what happened!

Um, you realize you were a Jew wearing a cross the size of Israel?

No, Pat's face.

Shouldn't you be in the belfry in Notre Dame about now? Shut up, you stupid

idiot.

Wazimoto didn't have acne, he had a hump. At least he had a better job than

Billy, quit picking on your brother. Not everyone can be a big TV star.

Oh, that's what I came to tell you. Guess what?

My show got picked up for another year!

At this rate, I'll be able to retire at the age of 30.

And I'll still be a fry cook at Burger Mountain.

Oh, come on. That's not true.

They'll probably fire you.

You see, darling, that was back when you were successful and Jerry was the

loser. You know, we didn't think you'd need our money because we believed in

you.

You did?

Of course, darling.

Everyone did.

You see, your brother was heading nowhere, and you were on the road to

fortune.

Who knew you'd run out of gas? And Jerry had just parked you by in his Volvo

with his wife and child.

Oh, yeah, sure, because child stars always turn out so well.

You know, I bet Justine Bateman's parents put her in their will. And thank

huh? Yeah, darling, you're in the will. We update it every year. You're very

well provided for. Which is why I hope you're taking very good care of

everything, because half of it will be yours one day.

Oh, don't worry. I'll take care of everything.

Everything that's left, anyway.

What'd you say?

I said, happy birthday.

Oh, thank you, darling.

Was it you who gave her this lovely tray?

Uh, sure. Why not?

How thoughtful.

Mom, I miss you.

You feel noted? Yes.

Yes, I do. Yeah.

Unless they have a snow blind and Mama's drunk.

Well, one out of two isn't bad.

Oh, I forgot. I'm not talking to you.

Okay, then I'll talk to you. Look, Jerry, I want you to know I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

What? Wait, you're apologizing?

Well, maybe I should sit down for this. Oh, wait. No chairs.

And I'm going to call Tish and tell her that you never thought marrying her was

a mistake, even if everyone else did.

Billy. Oh, okay. Sorry.

Again.

But, hey, at least I'm getting good at this, huh?

Mm -hmm.

So, uh, why the sudden change of heart?

Well, you're not going to believe this, and, um, it really is funny.

Gosh, it really is a crime. We can't sit down for this. Yes, it is a crime,

literally. Um, the fact is, I'm not cut out of the will, and you and I are going

to split half of everything!

Half of what?

Half of everything that you're going to help me get back.

You really expect after all this that I'm just going to come on in and help

pick up all the pieces again?

Well, yeah, Jerry, sure. I mean, come on, we're family.

Jerry, where are your boundaries?