Original subtitles

Oh, dang my bridges.

If it ain't his plumpitude, having himself a nice sit down.

Still he deserves it, after making all them scarecrows for them Sue Leland

farmers.

Good morning, Wurzel.

Really, Wurzel. I wish you wouldn't interrupt me when I'm doing a bit of

painting. I wasn't interrupting you, I imagine. I just wanted to see what you

was up to.

Well, I will tell you, Wurzel Gabbard.

I am up to painting a picture of this beautiful New Zealand countryside.

And the sooner you remove yourself and head off to whatever mischief you're up

to, the sooner I'll get it finished.

But why have you got them funny clothes on and that funny hat which looks like a

squashy pancake?

This hat which looks like a squashy pancake, Wurzel, is in fact an artist's

beret. And this, this is an artist's smock.

Yeah, but why do you have to dress up so funny just to paint a painting?

You do not have to dress up funny, as you so delicately put it, Wurzel.

This smock is to keep the paint off my clothes.

As far as the beret goes, well, that is just a touch of artistic license.

With the heavy demand for scarecrows these days, I have little leisure time,

you well know.

This is my little bit of relaxation.

Oof, enough.

What exactly is it you're painting, your artisticness?

This, Wurzel...

It's a landscape with a thousand sheep.

A thousand, eh?

If you don't believe me, you just count them. Oh, if I does that, you'll be

attitude. I'd be off to noddy bye -byes in no time at all.

He said, I'll have a go for that.

One, three, nine, eleven... When do you finish with this painting? What does he

do with it? Well, I might keep it or I might give it to someone as a present.

I might even sell it.

Oil paintings are fetching a great deal of money these days.

Would your painting be worth millions and millions too, you pro -manship?

probably not this one, Wurzel. But recently, some of the paintings of the

artists, the Dutch and the French masters, have been selling for thousands

thousands of pounds.

Thousands and thousands, eh?

What was you treading on me stomach?

I am treading on you, Wurzel Gummidge, because you are littering up a nice,

clean field.

And what is more, them horrible snores what you're making is frightening the

sheep so much their wool's going to drop off. Well, now that you've got to your

nice, clod -hopping feet, you may, if you so desire, accompany me into the

where the two little titchy humans have invited me to the kangaroo cab for a cup

of tea and slices of cake because one of the titchy humans' mums had a lot left

over which she couldn't sell and she said we could have them. So, on your

you great, smelly ape.

I've been lying in a smelly carpet, Aunt Sally, and a bit of it stuck to me.

But don't worry, it'll come off.

Just in case you don't, you walk half a dozen paces behind me so that I don't

get the stink.

Yes, Aunt Sally, anything you say.

Get back!

Hello, Chichi.

Cool. You're a bit woofy, aren't you?

Me? It's him. Anyway, it's only an healthy smell of the country. Take note,

isn't it? It'll go away.

This is better.

Here you are. You must have got the lot.

But watch out for the rock. They're a bit empty.

So mind your teeth.

Just in time for a quick cover before the meeting.

What meeting, Mr. Crewman, sir? Just a little do at the art centre. Buns and

fizzy pop, that sort of thing. Maybe a little bit of talk.

Buns and fizzy pop.

That sounds all right. Can I come too, Mr. Crowman? Really, Wurzel, I don't

think it'll be your sort of thing at all.

What about your duties at Mrs.

Thurston's cornfield?

Don't worry about that, your highness.

Them little birdies have been bubbeyes this time of night.

And after that valuable bit of art in what you've done this morning, well, I

reckon buns and fizzy pop meeting sounds interesting.

There'll only be a lot of artists there, Wurzel.

And, of course, maybe some models.

Models?

Oh, well, it's obviously indisputable that I should put an appearance.

Well, of course, I can't stop you coming, I'll tell you if you want to.

And, of course, if you're lucky, they're always looking for something to paint.

Me as a mogul, put on up in oil as pretty as a picture. Maybe more so, of

course.

Now, Virgil, if you want to come, you'll have to clean yourself up a bit.

If you'll excuse me for saying so, you do smell rather peculiar.

I know artists are supposed to be bohemian, but there are limits.

Well, as a special baby to you, Mr. Grover, I'll put my special anthem head

And I'll try and smarten myself up a bit. What time does it start, Mr.

sir? In about 20 minutes.

Rainbow.

Cooking egg.

Hanging egg.

There's such a dang lot of heads to choose from. What head are you going to

on, Weasel? Well, as you and I know, I haven't been to one of these artistic

zoos before.

Ha! That's it.

Yeah, the answer, mate.

That'll do.

You can help me wear it, can't you? Here we are then.

Put me down there.

Right, Louise, put your hand on my hand. The other one round the back of my

neck. I say, here we go then.

One, two...

That's it.

Sorry you can't come.

These artistic dudes ain't the teachers.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and fellow artists.

First, let me say how pleased I am to see such a good turnout for our social

evening. But before the refreshments, before the refreshments, we are most

fortunate to have with us tonight...

From Wagga Wagga, Seamus McCracker, R .A., the celebrated action painter.

What's R .A., Mr. Morgan?

Royal Academy, very famous society of artists.

I don't know what sissy things like these are.

This is action painting, copper.

Ladies and gentlemen, there will be no lecture tonight.

You will have something better, much, much better. I will be bringing you a

genuine 100 % demo of living accent painting by me and me alone,

Seamus McCracker, R .A.

Is this really painting, Your Worship?

Tight, Worship.

Tight.

And now, all I need now is a model for action number one.

Go on, Aunt Sally. Here's your chance to be a model.

He's the wrong sort of painter.

Yes, you are.

I'm not the right sort of model. I'm more of a classical model.

Get to it, Aunt Sally. Now's your chance to make your mark. A model!

That's our number one.

That gentleman with the dead polecat hanging round his neck. The gentleman

the expensive mink collar, Wurzel, is the world -famous art dealer Henri de

Salomon. Oh, wonderful to see you, Mr. de Salomon. And always a great pleasure

to see you, McGregor. Oh, I'm very sorry, I missed the performance.

Looks like you had quite a party.

Oh, and this must be the model, I presume.

Oh, lovely, lovely.

Galloping goulash.

at one hell of a painting.

Is it for sale?

Well, no, no, not really. How much?

No, no, five, ten, twenty thousand.

It's magnificent.

Take a check. And soon I have cash.

Okay, let's say twenty -five.

Here,

Mr. Groman, did you see what he paid for that painting?

After a genuine mccracker, he'll double his money when he comes to sell it

again. Double? Twenty -five thousand?

That's nearly eleven hundred, isn't it, Mr. Goldman, sir?

Something like that.

Come on, Worsham.

Lemonade. A hundred slices of cake, your generosity.

Are

you still

eating, Worsham? It's only a little bit, your eminence. I couldn't leave it on

the plate all alone, could I?

Oh, you've totally...

You stole their cake?

You're nothing more than a common criminal.

Give it up.

Mr. Criminal, I'm telling you, it pinched my cake.

Mother! Yes, you did.

Yes, you did. Talk about the pot calling the kettle. Come on, give it back. No!

If you don't, I'll... I'll what?

I'll go into a cell. A big one.

Come on, give it back. No!

Shut up, you two. You'll wake up the whole neighbourhood. Now, come along.

Something's a hush of that.

That's a right load of old paintings, that is.

Boy, yeah, I bet they's worth a penny or three.

Now, what are you up to, eh? You'd better move along. We don't want your

around here. My sort?

What do you mean, my sort?

Vagrants, undesirables, ne 'er -do -wells. Now, you clear off.

I ain't no undesirables.

Would you like what you said?

I said, I said, I said... You're a what?

I's a painter, that's what I is. I just... I does things like in there.

You're a painter. You're a very smelly one. Yeah, well, maybe I'm a bit smelly,

but there ain't no harm in looking at them paintings, is there?

See, you don't do no harm. Otherwise, you'll cop it, see? The long arm of the

law. Understand?

Painter, eh?

Pongy the painter.

Pongy the painter.

That's no good.

It's no good for nothing, and that's a fact.

But you've got to get some paintings done so that I can sell them and make me

rich.

Rich beyond the dreams of licorice.

But how?

How am I going to do it?

Damn me.

This is a tricky one, and no mistake.

Move on. I want this yard tidied up by nine o 'clock. What about these

Mr. Hoskins? Just cheap reproductions, prizes and the painting competition.

They're rubbish. Just sling them.

Wait.

Don't feed them pictures to that hungry animal.

Give them to me. I'll have them.

Thank you very much.

What am I going to do with them? I'm going to sell them. That's what I'm

to do with them. I'll get £20 ,000 a piece for them.

Don't be silly, Wurzel. They're only reproductions.

You can buy them cheap anywhere.

Yeah, not when old Wurzel's finished with them. You won't then, you see. Then

I'll be Wurzel Gomidare.

Royal admission.

Just like that Christmas cracker fella.

Now then, let's have a bit of music and we'll start.

Yeah, nice red label. Nice red tune.

Action! Face up!

It's himself.

What's come out, Wurzel? What's that?

It's him. It's the crow man back there.

He's after you, isn't he? You pinched his gramophone again. No, I never.

I just borrowed it.

I saw Wurzel Gummidge come in here.

Is he around, children?

I can't see him. Neither can I.

I must be dreaming.

What is my gramophone doing here?

Borrowed it.

Oh, if you'll excuse me, Mr. Croman, I don't know what all this is about, and

I'm a very busy man.

So if you'd just like to show me a few of your paintings, I... My apologies,

de Solomon.

It's very generous of you to cast your expert eye over my amateur door.

Amateur? Amateur?

But these are not the work of an amateur.

These are the inspired work of a genius.

Work of fortune.

Primitive such as I have never seen. But these are not my works, Mr. de Solomon.

Then whose work are they?

Wonderful.

full of color, energy, who has created such magnificent original work.

What? Just little work?

Oh, then you are to be congratulated, madame.

Pure genius.

I hope that you will do me the honor of selling them to me. How much do you

want? A lot.

A lot?

What do you mean, a lot?

Seeing as how you paid 25 ,000 for that awful mess Seamus Macracker made with me

as a mogul, that lot over there, which are much better, going to cost you 100.

I can't do better than that. Oh, not only an artist, but a businesswoman as

well. Is there no end to your talent?

Now, tell me, what are they all called, eh?

That one, for instance.

Well, I haven't got a name for that one yet. I'll have to think of something.

Something... Comets.

What about him?

The crying cavalier. That's because he's not very happy.

Oh, no.

Nor would I be if I were hung upside down.

Oh, he ain't hung upside down. He's upside down because he's down under,

what we are.

Oh, by Jove.

But we shall have to set up a big, important show for thee.

A new look at Old Masters by, um...

Lady Aunt Sally, R .A. Oh.

Primitive, Lady Aunt Sally.

Well, I don't think I'm as primitive as all that.

But how on earth did you manage to be so original, so creative?

Well, I just got the pictures and then I sort of just mopped them around a

little bit.

My little babooska.

Great success, Lady Aunt Sally R .A.

The honour that the Academy has bestowed upon you is deserved. Of course. I knew

I had the talent all along.

Genius. You insist.

I have a small supper arranged for us at the restaurant Burlington.

Can't you make it a big one? I'm that hungry, I could eat it all.

Oh, come along.

Our table is waiting.

Don't think a word of being ungrateful.

I don't think you teachers have got the right idea about painting at all.

We've been here nearly 11 to 3 hours.

And all we've gotten me at is three butter.

That ain't going to make us rich, is it?

No.

Hello? Who is this fancy woman with a posh motorcar?

Oh, Pottie McHugh. That's me Aunt Sally.

She's dressed up like a dog's dinner.

Oh, look at that poor starving artist in the gory realm.

I can't park him by without showing him my gin, Miss Mitchell.

Oh, my God.

Fourpence? That wouldn't even buy a sausage.

We're so pleased to have you dining with us tonight, Lady Aunt Sally. And you

too, of course, Mr. de Solomon.

Your table is ready. Our speciality is roast ferrets. It was very generous of

you, Lady Aunt Sally, to spare a thought for that wretched human derelict down

there. Oh, yes.

We can't all have the talents like what I've got. And you, don't hurry up.

You'll not only have no talents, but no pictures either, as they cover them up.

It ain't fair.

Aunt Sally's ditched me, Dixie. I've got to pay tons and tons of money for them.

All I've got's nothing.

Nothing.

My man.

My man, I want to talk to you.

What do you want? I ain't sure I want to talk to you.

You've got to talk to me, Walter.

I've got a teeny -weeny problem.

A bit of an embarrassment.

Your problem has got nothing whatsoever to do with me, Aunt Sally.

Exhibition was such a huge success that they've given me a contract to paint a

dozen more.

Back and back of money.

But that ain't fair. It was me what painted the paintings, not you.

Of course. You know that kind of stuff, but they don't know that stuff.

Is anything the matter, Lady Aunt Sally?

Oh, not at all. I was just thinking we should take pity on this poor, harmless

artist who's down on his luck.

Oh, you've got a warm heart as big as a horse.

Bring him in, if you must.

There's got to be a proper half this time. Not one of your usual halves. Of

course. It won't be long. Just in time for a crust of bread and a saucer of

And not only a crust of bread. I want a peasant. Old one. With bags and bags of

gravy.

And mashed potatoes.

And Brussels sprouts.

And Yorkshire pudding, Aunt Sally.

Yorkshire pudding with treacle. And orange tambourine. And fried pork. With

legend and legend and cream. And cake. You mustn't forget the cake.

Hello.

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