Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening,

the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening,

now I just have to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to stay.

I've got a reason to face it that I haven't learned anyway. When will I find

someone who understands?

And when will this slide ever end?

It was a rude awakening.

It was thought of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening.

And I hope it won't always be this.

Mommy, two hours from now and your boobs will be bigger than mine.

With what I'm paying, they better be a whole lot bigger.

Happy birthday, darling.

All I got you was a card. Well, if you think you're getting me a present, why

don't you run over to Victoria's Secret and pick out everything they've got in a

D.

D as in damned as a big.

Miss Frank?

Hello. Hi, I'm Dr. Zimmerman, a heart specialist referred by your plastic

surgeon. I'm afraid we're going to have to postpone your augmentation.

What? What's going on? Well, her pre -op exam showed some unusual symptoms.

There's a possibility of cardiomyopathy.

Is that a good thing?

Uh, no.

Well, what exactly is this cardiomyoclockup? It's when the heart

weakened. Oh, so there's nothing serious then.

Actually, if it goes untreated, it could lead to heart failure.

I don't like this girl.

Heart failure as in it's not living up to its potential?

Heart failure as in your heart fails and you die.

Shit. There are many causes.

Familia, viral, or it could be alcohol -related.

Your mom must be viral.

Well, yes, I heard on the news the other day there's a lot of it going around.

That could be, but may I just ask you, Miss Frank, are you a heavy drinker?

So what would you like me to put in the chart? I'm very upset.

I came here to get plenty of breath, not to be interrogated by some girl in a

lab coat. My mother is a heavy drinker. I am not. Well, I may drink a lot, but

I'm not heavy. I'm the same weight I was in college. Mother.

Oh, I am. Will you be quiet? You weren't there, so you don't know. Stop.

Okay, so what's next? First, we'll put your mother on a valiant trip. Why

you say so?

Then we're going to take some blood and do some more tests.

Doctor, may I suggest that next time you start with the Valium drip and then

mention death?

I'm so sorry.

No, so am I. Should have got my tits done by that hack in the valley who

do death.

No, I mean, you know, I did a lot of drinking, too, and maybe I have the

cardiomalacalaca. I don't know.

Do you hear anything, Matt? Baby, I can't hear anything. You keep talking.

I'll stop.

But you have to listen very carefully because there's three ways you can get

Familiarly, virally, and alcoholically. And I'm three for three.

I don't know what I'm listening for, honey. I'm not a doctor. Come on, I

at the sight of blood. And I hate hospitals. I'm not going to sue you for

malpractice. Tell me if you hear anything.

You know, if you took this off...

I could probably hear a lot better.

Who would hit on a dying woman?

If she was as fine as you, yeah.

Come on.

Technically, we're all dying. Come on, just shut up and listen.

Hey,

whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

What? I hear something. What?

I hear your heart. Your heart is saying, hey, I'm trapped inside a crazy woman.

I'm trapped inside a parent. You know, my mother is in the hospital and might

die, and I may have it too, which would be very sad and inconvenient, because

who would handle the funeral if I'm dead too?

Honey, no one's gonna die, okay?

Relax. Come on, turn around and give me that pretty neck, okay?

That won't work, okay? There is no way that a neck rub will... Will what?

Will ever stop, I'm hoping.

See, everything is gonna be fine.

From what you tell me, your mother is very, very strong.

Yeah, she is.

And tall.

She's English, you know. Well, there you go. See, those Brits are tough. They

survived the Nazis. There's no way a little cardio lock -a -locker is going

be tougher than Hitler.

Even so, will you please go to the hospital with me tomorrow?

I mean, I'm not a hospital guy, you know.

Besides, it's not the best time to meet your mom, so she's got tubes coming out

of her body and shit.

Does she have a window?

Because I can stand outside and wave like hell.

Please.

Okay, but I'm not going to be very supportive if I'm passed out on the

Oh, sure you will be. I'll prop you up.

Hello, sweetie pea. How are you doing?

Oh, Mama, I'm just awful. I want my boob job.

Well, we all want that.

Did you get my prezzie? I don't know, darling. What did you send me? Oh, well,

sent you a lovely bouquet, a box of teddy bear.

I thought I'd bring you something warm to hold on to when I'm not here.

Oh, I'd rather have something warm to hold on to while you are here.

Oh, Trudy, baby, baby.

Oh,

no, darling.

Look what Martin brought me, lovely teddy bear. Oh, hi, Mum.

Hello, Billy.

Thrilling to see you.

Mom, I brought someone special to meet you. Oh, a specialist, finally. Here,

take a look at these. No, Mom, Mom, Marcus is my boyfriend.

You're dating a doctor?

No, I'm just a journalist.

Here's a story for you. There's a woman here being kept under false pretenses.

It'll be in the papers tomorrow.

It'll be in the office.

If you'll excuse me.

Or if you could just move out of the way.

Here. Hello.

Are you two dating, darling? What happened to Dave?

Well, he broke up with me.

Oh, no. I was so fond of Dave.

Oh, Mommy, way to make Marcus feel welcome.

I meant nothing by it. No, no, this one looks like he's got staying power.

Have you, darling? Isn't it true what they're saying?

Is she heavily medicated?

Always.

Yeah. Well,

I wish I was, too.

The room's starting to spin. I'm going to wait outside, baby. Good meeting you.

Okay. Oh, darling, darling, darling. Did I any chance bring that special bottle

of perfume from the house like I asked you to? No, but I brought you a brand

box from the store.

No, darling, no. I want that special bottle of mummy's perfume from home. Oh,

you mean the one that's filled with bourbon?

Are you suggesting that I poured out perfectly good Chanel No. 5 and used a

series of funnels to fill the bottle with whiskey? Well, I hadn't figured in

funnels, but yes.

Well, all right, if I did, what's wrong with that? It's a harmless prank played

on myself. What's wrong with that, Mommy? You're in the hospital with heart

trouble because your heart is pickled.

Is everybody decent?

No, of course not. So come on in. Hi, thanks for coming.

I assume you've come to see me since you dumped my daughter. Oh, mothers.

Yes, I'm here to see you because Billy told me about your condition.

He said heavily medicated.

That's good. Yeah.

Rudy, here's the deal.

Billy and I, well,

we want you to join our program.

Okay? That way you can get sober, and that way you can get healthy. Yes, and I

am healthy, and I am sober, and I was until I came in here. What about your

pickled heart?

Darling, darling, once they figure out that you're insured, they just think of

the most expensive illness they can and give it to you. It is outrageous.

If it weren't for this Valium drip, I'd leave right now.

Hey, how you doing?

Oh, fine, fine.

Yeah? Yeah.

How'd Billy's mom react?

Oh, man. She's not ready to get sober.

I hope she gets ready before it's too late.

You sure you're all right? Oh, yeah. The smell of death was starting to get to

me. What wing were you in? The one with the blood, the tubes, and the beeping.

Not a good thing.

Now, hospitals never really bothered me, which is a fortunate thing because, you

know, I spent the better part of my 20s in one emergency room or another. I

know. I spent most of my 20s driving you there. Remember?

No.

Dude. You remember the time that I dumped my Harley on the freeway and I

that gash in my scalp?

Yeah, no, I remember. Yeah?

Those were some fun times. No, no, they weren't. I mean, staying up all night at

hospital watching them sew up your big head wasn't fun for me.

Well, if you hadn't been such a pussy and had gotten on the back of the bike

with me, then you wouldn't have had to watch them sew up my big head. Hey,

call me pussy, first of all, okay? Bitch, second of all, if I'd gotten on

back of the bike with you, we'd probably both be dead.

Those were some fun times, though, huh?

Huh? I mean, they weren't clean fun, because of the...

You know, the blood and the pain, but they were fun.

And the women? The women were fun. Did we have us some women? No, you had some

women. I had most of the women. Shit.

Bitch, you had the women that I walked away from. Who said they walked away?

They ran away from your ass, Dave.

Okay? We were some bad men, kid.

Bad.

Speaking of bad.

Dave. Uh, do you need a hand with that?

Uh, yeah.

It's kind of heavy and I need to bring it inside.

Blood drive.

That's unbelievable, because Marcus and I were just talking about giving blood,

weren't we, Marcus? No.

Gosh, if you guys would donate, that would be great.

I'm pretty sure we can get some good, healthy blood out of a couple strong

like you.

We're running low on the children's ward.

Well, you just lead the way there, Lorna.

Great.

Come on, man. Give me a hand with this.

There's no fucking way I'm going in that hospital and giving blood. The children

need blood, pussy. Don't call me pussy, bitch.

You're afraid of needles.

You won't give blood. That spells pussy to me.

Everything spells pussy to you.

I don't know. I look awful.

I haven't slept. I've got no makeup. And this lighting is dreadful. Oh,

nonsense.

That shapeless cotton gown and plastic ID bracelet only serve to enhance your

natural beauty.

Your sweet tongue is the only medicine I need.

Then let me give you another dose.

I tell you to turn your head, but I'm sure you see all sorts of gruesome

every day.

Miss Frank.

We got your blood work back, and your alcohol level was very high.

Well, yes, I had to drink in the car to calm my nerves.

Well, surgery and all.

According to this, you must have driven from Ohio.

Just thinking about Ohio makes me want to drink.

Occasionally. We're going to do some breathing tests later to check your lung

capacity. Tomorrow we're going to do an echocardiogram to verify that you have

alcoholic cardiomyopathy.

I told you, I am not an alcoholic. My only affliction is being insured.

I'll put that in your chart. Mother, will you please tell her the truth? You

drink every day.

How would you know?

You only see me once a week, is that?

How do you know that I'm not drinking?

Because I have to see you. You know, it's a very stressful thing, an

Did you tell the doctor, Dawn? Did you tell her that you're an alcoholic? No, I

didn't, but I will. I'm an alcoholic.

Bravo. Your turn.

I am very tired.

I want to rest.

Mother, please.

You know what?

That's a good idea. Why don't you and I step out in the hall for a moment?

Yeah.

Sorry. I know that didn't go very well. I'm just trying to help.

I'm in recovery, by the way. Good for you.

On average, how much would you say your mother drinks?

I don't know.

A bottle a day, maybe more.

How long has she been drinking like that?

Five, maybe 30 years.

I knew this was going to happen.

What's going to happen?

Well, it depends on your mom. If she quits drinking, she could stabilize and

could make a full recovery.

And if she doesn't, she'll be dead within a year or two.

Sir, what a drag, huh?

I know.

It's not turning out at all the way I expected.

No, it's not, is it?

No.

I'm sure you'll be back on your beautiful feet in no time.

Really, darling, do you think so?

I think so.

I know so.

I can't even imagine you being sick.

We'll put all this behind us.

Soon we won't even remember any of it. Hopefully tomorrow.

Well, some things are very hard, but they must be done.

That's why I'm just so glad you're here.

Yeah.

Give me your hand, darling.

It's cold.

Warm heart, darling.

Very, very warm.

So, who's the pussy now?

You're acting like you went ten rounds with Mike Tyson. Hey, hey, did you see

the size of that needle, man? Yes, I saw it. They gave it to me, too. Come on,

you're acting like a baby.

I'm not.

I don't think I've got enough giraffes for my animal crackers.

Pussies don't get giraffes.

Come on, Dave, a pussy or a baby? Make up your mind. Pussy fucking baby.

Thanks for helping out, you guys. We'll have the results in 24 hours.

The results?

What, did I win a prize or something? I mean, besides your heart?

No, for the HIV test.

You test the blood for HIV?

Yeah.

We thought it'd be a good idea to, you know, protect the popular.

Hey.

Do my forehead, man. Why so happy?

Nah. Now check me out.

We're imagination, right?

We've been kept.

I don't know. I've been drunk half my life. I've been as careful as I can be

a blackout. Well, what constitutes careful in a blackout? I don't know.

what I'm saying.

Darling, I'm not usually one for the dramatic.

Well, you are the one for the dramatic.

Shut up!

If anything should happen to me, I want you to know that I love you with all my

heart. What's left of it? Well, thank you, sweetie, but nothing's going to

happen. Yeah, Mommy, it's an echocardiogram. All they're going to do

your mouth and shout, hello, lo, lo, lo. It's electrocardiogram.

Fine electric cardiogram.

Electro... I don't care.

My daughter's very pretty, isn't she? Didn't she? She was on television for

years. What was the name of your show, darling? Emerald Black. Doesn't sound

right. Are you sure? Martin?

Oh, I'll leave you in Billy's capable hands.

I'm just going to the gift shop to pick out something delightfully expensive.

For me, I hope.

Darling, I'm scared.

money. Me too.

How are you going to take care of me? Oh, shut up. Shut up?

I don't know where she gets it from.

Hey. Any results in yet?

No.

You get as little sleep as I did last night? Less, man.

You remember that chick you bet?

The Haitian? Yeah. I mean, at the time I thought it was exotic, but now... Huh.

Hey, hey, hey. She looked healthy, right? Very healthy. She looked glowing.

Whatever happened to her? Your vet?

Yeah.

Died. Oh, shit. No, no, it was a car accident.

Ah.

God, that's relief.

Yeah. I mean, that she didn't, you know, suffer.

Yeah, like the people with the disease. I'm sure they're going to fucking tell

me that I got it.

Jesus, man.

I should have gotten it years ago. Yeah.

What's wrong with me, man?

I thought maybe because I was married for ten years, I wouldn't get it. You

know, what if I got it, and I got to go tell Nancy, man? What if I got it? I got

to tell every woman in L .A.

What if you got it? You gave it to Billy.

And Billy gave it to me.

I'm going to have to beat the shit out of you. Please do. I would deserve it.

You know what I mean? How much more of a fuck -up could I be?

I was a whore, Jack. I should have been tested years ago.

You know? But somehow I figured if nobody around me got it and I didn't get

checked out, then magically it would be okay. I'm a fucking asshole. I fucking

hate myself.

Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave. What? Dave, what the shit? Get out of here. Dave, Dave,

Dave. Mr. Adams.

He's gone. Your tests are all clear.

Do it.

Oh, thank God.

Hey, listen, I know I was worried, man. Look, this is final, right? I don't have

to see a doctor or anything.

Not at all.

Mr. Pirelli.

Yeah? The doctor will see you in a minute.

What?

What the fuck is that?

It's been extremely difficult to see your mother like this.

Yeah, I know. It's only the second time I've seen her without her makeup.

There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about.

Yeah?

I know that we've been adversarial at times, but I hope you see that I have

mother's best interests at heart.

In a way, I've saved her life.

In what way?

Well, if it hadn't been for my insistence on larger breasts, she

come here in the first place.

And we'd never have discovered this hideous condition.

Yes, your shallowness has served her well.

Well, thank God it's good for something.

I think I've come up with a plan.

To get her into rehab.

That would be wonderful, but how are you going to do that? She doesn't even

think she has a problem.

Oh, she will.

Why do you say that?

Because I'm going to leave her.

What?

My lifestyle, the traveling, the partying, it's too tempting.

She'll never go into rehab with me around.

That's why I have no choice but to go.

You're walking out on my mother while she's in the hospital?

Well, if you want to look at it that way.

Well, that's... The way it is. We're in the hospital and you're saying you're

walking out. Well, I knew you wouldn't understand.

That's why I wrote her a letter.

Be a dear and give it to her, will you? What?

I can't give her this.

Oh, yes, you can.

My mother needs you. If you loved her, you would stay here and help her get

better. Look, just because the party's over for her doesn't mean it's over for

me. You cold, heartless fuck. You can't just leave. Oh, yes, I can.

You watch me. That is so fucking... typical.

Well, glad not to be disappointing you.

Oh, and one more thing. It's a bit difficult.

You're fired.

God, I have it.

I know it.

I've got it. We don't really know anything yet. Yeah, you're right.

You're right.

Mr. Pirelli? Yeah, yeah, okay, now, this can't be right. There's got to be

something wrong here. Now, I know I didn't always use a condom, but I meant

Doesn't that count for something?

Now, what if I was really good starting right now? There's got to be something I

can do.

Well, I'd recommend a multivitamin.

You'd be fine.

What a multivitamin.

Oh, my, this disease has gotten the worst press in the world.

No, you have anemia, that's all.

Try to get more iron.

Anemia? Ha!

Ha! That was... be me hello martin it's trudy

i'm feeling absolutely nothing from the neck down

listen listen do you know what i thought well of course you couldn't know could

you but listen darling i i think we should we should go to mexico for my

work because the doctors down there i mean they don't care what

Take my health as in. I mean, they'd stuff implants into fetus, you know, if

paid them enough.

Oh, darling.

Oh, it would be such fun. Oh, yes, it would. A tits and tequila weekend,

darling. Oh,

what do you think?

Anyway,

listen, you call me, yeah, because I love you. All right?

Hey, Pop.

How's everything?

Terrible. I mean, horrible.

It couldn't be worse.

What'd they find?

Is everything okay with her heart? No, it's weak, and now it's gonna break.

What do you mean? Martin left her. That fuckdog, asshole douchebag. You know, he

wrote this bullshit letter and left me to do his dirty work.

No, I can't do this.

Well, baby, you kind of have to. I mean, she's gonna notice he's gone after a

while. Can't we just pretend he was run down by a car?

You can't lie to her.

I agree. Let's go do it ourselves.

Billy, Billy.

You've got to face this one.

You know, I don't know why I'm so upset. I mean, I hate Martin.

You know, I wanted him to leave.

Not right now.

Charlie, oh, thank God you're here, because I can't reach my makeup bag. Oh,

here you go.

How are you feeling?

Wonderful. I think they should pump Valium directly into the water supply.

What a great idea.

Fluoride for the teeth and Valium for the nerves.

Great minds, Di. Great minds.

Speaking of great, I don't think we're able to reach Martin.

He's not answering his own phone.

Oh, well, um... Did you try his cell phone?

Yes, it's funny. It seems like that company's gone out of business.

He didn't send them to you, did he, darling? No.

Well, yet.

But I don't want to tell you what it was.

What?

Oh, you didn't fight, did you?

Kind of, but... But what?

What, you turned him away with your spiteful barbs and your hateful facial

expressions? Hateful facial expressions?

Yes, yes, like that one, look.

Come on, I can't believe you.

Me, me?

I am lying, if not at death's door, then at least at death's lawn. And you can't

be pleasant to the one person I care about most in the world.

After my children.

Okay, look, Mother, that's not what happened, okay?

He isn't here because... Shit.

Shit? Because shit, darling? Because you turned my life to shit by driving him

away? Mom, that isn't what happened. Look, I don't want to be the one to have

tell you this, but...

Martin left you.

Oh, I'm such a fool.

No, you're not.

I think that a man like that would stick around with a sick old hag like me. No,

that's not why he left.

No, it's not? No, he left because he's scared. He's not strong enough.

He loves you too much to see you sick.

Oh, so he left me alone?

I'm here.

Yes, alone with children.

Well, you don't have to be alone, Mama. You can go into rehab and I will visit

you there every day.

You'll get better and we'll have fun together.

And who knows, you might meet somebody there.

You know, there's a lot of cute guys in rehab.

Hey, maybe you'll even meet a movie star.

Sure, that's a great plan.

Go to rehab and meet a movie star.

Well, you never know.

I mean, a lot of things can happen.

Apparently.

You're always here, aren't you?

I try to be.

I love you.

My dear.

Don't you worry.

Everything is going to be okay.

I doubt it, darling.

Good news, Miss Frank.

I can go?

Well, of course you can, but I would advise that what I was referring to is

have an open bed in our alcohol treatment ward.

Oh, shouldn't that space be kept open for an alcoholic?

It is.

I resent that insinuation. I want a second opinion. I'll get you one then.

But I'll tell you, in your condition, if you don't stop drinking, you won't live

past the year.

It's very exciting news.

Is that the sort of talk we hear on the drunk ward?

Sometimes. But you'll also hear about how to eat right, exercise, take better

care of yourself without drinking.

You may even hear yourself saying, I feel better.

I would truly love to say that and mean it. Well, why don't you give it a

shot?

Everything's going to be okay.

I doubt it.

Here's your shot of brandy, ma 'am.

Thank you.

Are you traveling?

Yes. Meeting my fiancé in Ackerbrook.

I hope you have a wonderful time.

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