Original subtitles

It wasn't real.

Good news is I have to go to the bathroom.

How is that good news?

It means my kidneys are still functioning.

The bad news is I'm too drunk to walk in there.

Well, technically, none of that is real news, you know.

News would be like we've invaded Canada.

We've invaded Canada?

Why? We could just go there.

You can't even get to the bathroom.

True. Will you carry me?

We're going to go to the latrine.

Skateboarding accident.

You skateboard?

Well, not anymore.

No, I can't believe you broke your arm. You didn't even call me?

Was I supposed to call you, too? Boy, my HMO is complicated.

No, I mean, time was you'd... Jesus, you'd break a nail, you'd call me.

I miss that.

I miss you.

I miss you, too.

Yeah? Hmm?

Doesn't seem like you do.

No, I mean, we never hang out anymore.

You missed the last couple of meetings.

Oh, I've been going to other meetings for former child star alcoholics. Now, I

can't tell you who was there, but let's just say the cast of fame is not going

to live forever.

I can't even remember their names.

But you're coming to the meeting tonight, right?

I've been sober for two years. I'm going to get a cake.

Oh, my gosh. That's right.

Wow. Congratulations.

Thank you.

You're going to be there tonight, right? Oh, yeah. I mean, wild horses could

keep me away. Well, they could, but what are the chances of running into wild

horses in L .A.? Yeah.

Oh, sorry we're late, dear. For some reason, it always takes longer when you

come in a limo. Pun intended.

What a romantic story.

I'm Martin. I'm so glad to finally meet you.

I'm sure we're going to be great friends.

With each other?

Or not. I could go either way.

You really expect us to be pals after you broke up my parents' marriage?

Dear her.

Dear boy, their marriage was as brittle as an old woman's hip.

I was merely the slippery curb.

Oh, speaking of slipping, here I am.

Perfect timing.

She hears it pouring from miles away, like a dog whistle.

She gets that from me. Mom, I told you I didn't want to see her until she quit

drinking.

Go, go, go.

Mum.

What? I thought you said it was just going to be the two of us.

And the two of them. Did I forget to tell you? Yes, or I wouldn't have come.

Lucky thing I forgot.

Oh, darling, your mum. What happened?

And more importantly, do you have representation?

No, it was my fault.

Never say that.

Let me tell you, no matter how many lessons you take, gator wrestling is

So is drunk driving.

And driving drunk with a gator is just plain irresponsible.

Well, who... cares how it happened. I don't. I don't. The important thing is

that we're all here together. One big happy family. We're neither happy nor

we a family.

We will be soon.

Uh -oh.

I brought you here today to tell you that Martin and I are getting married.

Yes. Pending the prenup.

Gosh, Mom.

Marty. I hate to be a party pooper here, but there's one little hitch.

You're still married.

Oh, Jerry, come on. Can't you just be happy for Mom and this asshole?

Oh, I think she's coming around. I don't think I can be happy about anything

right now. That's because you haven't had a drink. Yeah, and I think that

had maybe a couple too many. Oh, see, Jer, that is not possible because I'm

still awake.

To being awake.

Yes, congratulations on your nuptials. When you set a date, be sure to let me

know so that I'm someplace else.

I like my toast better.

You know what? I don't think you should be toasting to anything right now.

Mom, Terry took my drink. Terry, stop picking on her and give her back her

drink. No.

Okay, fine. I'll go drink someplace else. Billy.

Oh, what luck to go flute. Billy.

See ya.

How rude.

I don't know where she gets it.

Well, let's just be grateful she took it with her. We gotta do something about

Billy. Well, if she's not polite by now, I think it's entirely too late.

I'm not worried about her manners. You should be. The dreadful. I'm talking

about her drinking.

She's got to stop.

No, haven't you heard, dear? She graduated from Addictions Anonymous.

You don't graduate from there. She was ordained or promoted.

She got her black belt. Anyway, she's done.

No, Mom, that's not how it works, okay? Her drinking is totally out of control.

She took your grandson to a bar.

And children grow in front of the house, eh?

Mom, I'm being serious.

We've got to do something.

You're absolutely right.

Let's order.

Darling, you know, I do think you're overreacting. I mean, soon you'll be

that I have a drinking problem.

That's another conversation.

I'm not picking up the check for that one.

Man, I feel great.

Just think, two years ago, I was drunk all the time. My life was a wreck. This

muffin was fresh.

Look, I'll just have my juice.

Hey, here's to two years sober.

Glad everything's going so well for you, Dave.

Well, not everything. I'm still with a different girl every night.

Glad everything's going so well for you, Dave. Oh, I'm serious, Milt. It gets

lonely. You know? Well, not lonely, because I'm with somebody, but it gets

Well, not old, because there's a different person every night, and

usually very young. But it gets... it gets... Difficult to find anyone with

sympathy for you? Yes.

That's right. I mean, I know it sounds like fun, but the truth is, I feel more

alone when I'm with these girls than when I'm by myself.

How do you know?

You don't sound like you're by yourself very much.

You ever get lonely?

Nah. My sponsees just keep bugging me.

I ran into Billy today in the elevator, and it made me realize, like, how much I

miss her.

And I never feel alone when I'm with her.

It's all them damn personalities she has. I'm surprised all of you fit in

little elevator.

Word of love.

I can't believe she's marrying that maggot.

You know, he's selfish, pretentious, manipulative.

They're perfect for each other.

You know what they say, it's a lid for every pot.

I wish we had a lid of pot.

Oh, yeah.

That would be a party.

Oh, shit.

Shit, Dave's party.

Come on, let's go.

Are you not forgetting something?

No, I never pick the tab.

No, we cannot go to an addictions anonymous meeting drunk.

Oh, shit. Do I look drunk?

I don't know. You're weaving so much, it's very hard to tell. I'm not weaving.

Okay, it's me, so fuck it. Let's just not go.

No, no, no, no. Look, I promise, Dave, I have to go. I have to go.

Billy, what's the point of being a drunk if you've got to keep your promises?

Yeah, but if we don't go, everyone will be fit.

All right, let's go.

I'm sure we'll have plenty of time to sober up on the drive to the meeting.

Especially since we're so drunk, we're bound to get locked on the way.

And the next cake goes to Big Dave!

Two years!

Two years of sobriety!

All right, here we go.

Thank you.

Well, it wasn't an easy year.

My best friend struggled with her sobriety.

Me and Jackie.

And she died.

You see, I told you.

Because, well, I was powerless to help her.

Because I am. I'm powerless.

And not just over alcohol, but alcoholics.

And I don't want to be. You know, I mean, listen, when I was a kid, I wanted

be Batman or Superman.

You know, there is no...

Powerless man. Look up in the sky.

It's a bird. It's a plane. It's powerless man. Able to do nothing. No.

to be that?

Me. But I think it's because I can accept that I am powerless that I can

this cake.

And God willing, I'll be here to take another one next year at the same

powerless time, same powerless channel.

Thank you.

Then please take your cake with you. The overeaters have the room next.

Are you out? No one got in?

Well, let's get out of here before they caught me. I'm so out of here, I'm

already bigger.

Billy!

What happened?

Did you slip?

How did you know?

Your arm is in a cast.

Oh, oh.

You're right.

Check your other one. Might be spreading.

Well, how'd it happen?

Funniest thing. I was at Cirque du Soleil, and they needed a participant

the audience, and she bounded up on the stage with such gusto that she tumbled.

I tumbled!

Ironically, right into those teeny tiny little French -Canadian tumblers, all

ten of them. Then I got a strike.

And a souvenir.

You know, when I went to Cirque du Soleil, all I broke was my heart.

When will I learn? Circus people never call.

So why haven't you returned any of my calls?

Well, because, well, you need your arm to use the phone. Yeah, I mean, I'm not

one of those Cirque du Soleil freaks who can hold the phone with my foot.

You can use the other arm. What, now you tell me.

Okay, then, I'll call you later.

Hey, hey, hey, how's my little skateboard?

She was just telling me how she broke her arm at Cirque du Soleil.

I thought you broke your arm skateboarding.

What, a girl can't skateboard to Cirque du Soleil?

I mean, you know how hard it is to park there.

Yeah, why do you think all those clowns get into one car, Dave?

So, Billy, how did you break your arm?

Good God. You know, I have, like, a million other bones that aren't broken.

don't you guys ask me about one of those?

Okay. How's your femur? It's doing really good. Thanks for asking. Oh.

Oh. Look, we really got to go. Come on.

Congrats, eh?

Oh,

my God.

What? You've been drinking.

No, I haven't. I can taste the liquor on your breath.

No. I mean, it must be my new Altoids.

flavor pina colada stop you're lying is it true

look okay so i've been drinking okay it's not a

big deal this meeting is supposed to be for alcoholics it is look don't worry

kid you can start your sobriety over again right now no you're the ones that

look worried you should try drinking it's very relaxing i have that's why i'm

here it almost killed me it did kill jackie is that what you want to have

to you billy no all i want is to be able to have a drink once in a while, okay?

I mean, and so do all of you. At least I'm honest about it. Billy, you can get

back on track, okay? We can work on this together. Yeah, well, you know what? I

don't want to work, okay?

In fact, I want a vacation from all of you and all of this, so I will send you

an illegible postcard from Margarita Bill and just let go of me!

I'm sorry if I ruined your birthday.

You barely touch me and I hear bells.

That's the doorbell, you bewitching temptress.

Oh, God.

Oh,

darling,

lovely to see you.

Just not at the moment.

Mum, I just came over to tell you how right you were.

Where's the tape recorder when you need one?

People in Addictions Anonymous are a bunch of assholes. In fact, they should

call it Assholes Anonymous. Good idea. Why don't you go and talk to one of your

little friends?

I don't have friends anymore.

Well, there's a mystery.

Why don't you go home and try to solve it?

Why don't you go fuck yourself?

Darling, you're killing the mood.

Can't we send her to boarding school or perhaps some lovely sanitarium? Would

you like that, darling?

No, and I can't believe you're taking his side.

He's practically family.

And I'm comp...

leave family with her.

You're supposed to be able to depend on your family for support and

understanding.

And honesty.

I'll start.

You're pestering us, and we want you to go.

Darling, she just came all the way over here.

Well, then she knows how to get back.

Fine, then. I'll go.

No, darling, you don't have to go.

Well, obviously I do. Don't expect a good wedding present from me.

Don't be a stranger.

Be an acquaintance who calls well in advance.

Now, where were we?

Just give me a minute.

I can't believe that Billy slipped. I didn't even notice. I didn't notice, and

I'm her sponsor.

I haven't felt this guilty since I asked my mother to stop hitting me.

It was her only joy in life.

I guess everyone's got to have a hobby.

She feels so bad for Billy. I feel bad, too, but I'm angry. You know, how could

she just throw her sobriety away like that? Obviously, she's not ready to be

sober. She hasn't hit her bottom. I don't want her to hit her bottom.

I want to catch her before she does. You know, there's some scary shit down

there. You can't do this for her, man. You're powerless, remember?

Have you ever tried to catch someone as they jump from a building?

No, because that'd be stupid.

Exactly. You both die.

What are we going to do?

Excuse me, guys. Is this where the Addictions Anonymous meetings are held?

yes. You came to the right place. Unfortunately, there isn't a meeting

now. Oh, that's okay. Whenever there's more than one of us gathered, it's a

meeting. Welcome.

I'm so glad you've taken the first step.

So what's your name, sir?

Uh, Jerry. No last names.

Have you had a drink today, Jerry?

Well, no.

Wonderful. Congratulations.

Here you go. Your first chip.

Guys,

I'm not an alcoholic.

Jerry, how can we help you if you don't admit you have a problem? Look, I don't

have a problem.

No, actually, I do.

I'm Billy Frank's brother.

Jerry! Yeah? Oh, my God, I heard about you. I'm Dave. Oh, Dave.

And I'm Milt. Oh, I'm Milt.

I'm Clark, her sponsor.

Please don't hate me.

I don't. I don't. Look, you know, I know you guys have been trying to help her

out. That's why I came here. But I'm organizing an intervention for Billy,

thought, you know, since most of you guys have probably been intervened upon,

that, you know, you might be able to help out. Absolutely. Oh, great. I'll

the Evian.

Confrontation makes me thirsty.

Let's put the sashimi platter on the coffee table, preferably obscuring the

debris. We can block that three -foot pile of dirty laundry with the dim thumb

cart. Who says I can't clean?

If you don't like filth, what did you bring him here for?

Oh, it's just more convenient since I live with her in your home and we drove

here in your car.

Why don't you just fly here on your black leathery wings?

Boys, boys, boys, don't quibble. Let's have a drink. It's supposed to be a

party. No, Mother, it's not a party.

It's an intervention for an alcoholic, remember?

I'm joking. I'm just a little alcoholic humour to go with the theme of the

evening. It's hardly appropriate.

Oh, dear.

Appropriate is so in these days. Whatever happened to Whimsy?

Rumour has it that Whimsy is off gallivanting with Caprice in the south

France. Queer pussy.

Did you just call my father a pussy?

No, I said, excuse me.

I sneezed because I'm allergic to pussies. Because you're queer.

Oh, that'll be Billy. Come on, let's all hide and we'll jump out and say,

surprise. Mother, you have no idea how this works, do you?

Not even Billy is drunk enough to ring her own doorbell. Well, if she isn't,

what's all the fuss about?

You're not my daughter.

But that doesn't mean I don't care about you. Well, it does mean that I don't

care about you. Who is this woman? Mother, this is Stacey. She's the

intervention therapist. She's here to make sure... I'll handle this.

To help you deal with your drinking. I'm perfectly fine with my drinking, thank

you very much. And if you say one more word, I shall have my attorney here stab

you with a fork.

Martin? You seem to be confusing me with some eccentrically equipped hitman.

Try to remember that when defending a client, I rarely use utensils. Because

you're a queer.

Slip it, pussy. I know where the forks are.

Oh, all right.

Let's rewind, calm down, and disarm.

Now, which one's the alcoholic?

She is.

What? Not tonight.

Well, actually, tonight's good.

I think that's why I'm here. No, no, no, no. We're here for Billy.

I'm confused.

Which one of you is an alcoholic?

I am.

All right, I think we should discuss my group rate. No, no, no, we're all here

for Billy, and she's not here. Where is Billy? And why is there wine?

Because thousands of years ago, someone had the good sense to ferment a grape.

Here's to him!

Now, now, now, could I have everyone's attention, please?

Now, you're all here because someone you love needs you and doesn't have the

tools to ask for help.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So tonight we're going to come together and convince them that their drinking

must stop?

Oh, no, not again.

Hi, Billy. Surprise!

Trudy! That's her.

Yes, that's me. The guest of honor. Or the guest of no honor.

No honor, no willpower, no fill -in -the -blank. Job, money, who?

Martin.

Billy, we're all here because we're concerned that drinking...

is ruining your life.

Who cares? In case you haven't noticed, I don't have much of a life.

But you could.

If I can stop my boozing, drugging, binging, purging, and excessive

masturbating, you could stop, too.

Define excessive.

To excess.

More than it's called for.

Who the fuck are you?

Oh, I'm Stacy.

I'm here to help you. Really?

Excellent. You can help me get these people out of my house.

Billy.

You got me so worried. I don't know what I would do if anything happened to you.

Look, look, you can start over again, and we will be with you every step of

way. Yeah, I'm sick of the stats.

Darling, listen to these people, because they do have your best interests in

mind. Lily, honey, seeing you suffer like this, it's breaking my heart.

Look, I'm sorry.

I am, I really am.

But, you know, if you think it's bad for you, imagine how I feel.

I mean, I feel so bad about my drinking that I have to drink more.

And then I feel even worse, so I drink even more. It's a vicious circle.

It's more than a circle. It's a vicious sphere.

I know that change is hard.

But you can't get on the bus to sobriety without change.

Yeah, and you can't change buses without a transfer. Your turn.

All I meant was that we all want to help you change.

And the first step is going to rehab.

No way.

No way.

Okay, yeah, okay, fine. You all want me to change, but why should I be the only

one, huh? Why don't we all hop on this bus of change?

Okay, Mommy, I'll stop drinking if you dump Martin and get back with Daddy.

Ew. What? What?

Yeah, and what about you, oh, Clark?

Right, how about I'll go to rehab once you stop being afraid of your own

Easy, right? Yeah, that's easy. Now, Billy, this is a difficult process, and

know it's natural to lash out.

No, not...

Yeah?

Yeah, well, I'm concerned for your health, Dave. You know, not to mention

actually. Hey.

The rehab center is just ten minutes away. Yeah, well, the liquor store's

five. Oh, I could go twice!

My car's right downstairs.

Great, then you can drive all of these people home and everybody gets the fuck

out of my house! I'll lead the way.

Oh, no, this is not the time to leave. On the contrary, when my hostess says,

get the fuck out, I take that as my cue.

That's the first time I actually agree with that scumbag.

Go!

She's just not ready.

Maybe another time.

With someone else, preferably.

Look, when you're ready, we'll be there for you.

I'll pray for you, Billy.

I'm not giving up on you.

None of us are, honey.

Billy. Just please. Billy.

Just go.

Just go.

Oh, darling.

You know, darling, I mean, I like a drink as much as an expert.

Maybe even more, but even I think you should stop.

Thanks for the concern, Mom.

Too bad you won't remember in the morning.

Maybe if I drink enough, I won't remember in the morning.

What now?

Come on, what do I need? A pit bull?

A moat?

A less inviting welcome mat?

You need a friend.

I have one.

There's something else I wanted to say to you.

I don't want to hear it.

And that's that I love you.

What? I do.

I tried not to, but I'm powerless over it.

I love you.

Look, it's not gonna stop me from drinking.