Original subtitles

Where will I find

someone who understands from where all is right?

Oh,

my God.

It's almost 5 o 'clock.

Many normal people drink at 5.

I'm waiting till 5, therefore I must be normal.

4, 3, 2, 1.

Of course they say only alcoholics drink alone.

Hey, you'll drink with me, right?

You're Irish.

Hi.

Bummer about your son.

And your brother. And you.

Wow. You need this more than I do.

And now I'm hiding the alcohol, which is something normal people don't do. But,

hey, I'm a little wet.

Billy, you in there? No, I'm throwing my voice from the lobby.

Who are you talking to?

Hello?

You.

Come on, no. Is there somebody in here?

Because if there is, maybe that would explain why you haven't returned my

Yes, that would explain it. Oh.

However, I was speaking to our dead president.

Is he speaking back?

Not with you around. He's shy.

Shy.

Why are all the beautiful girls crazy?

Why can't the crazy girls be beautiful?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You think you can just drop in here anytime you want and kiss me?

We have a date.

Oh.

Oh, that date.

Oh, my gosh. I... Is that tonight?

No, it's actually tomorrow. I just left early in case there was traffic in the

hall. What? Look, I'm sorry, Dave, but I have to cancel. I mean, I have a

terrible migraine. Every second is agony. It's like sitting through

Oh, well, come on. I'll give you a back rub. Oh, no, no, no, no. You know, I've

had your back rubs, and for your information, the clitoris is not part of

back. Which is too bad, because if it was, then going to the chiropractor

be much more fun, right?

I'll give you an adjustment. No, thank you. But, you know, I just feel so bad

right now. All I want to do is turn out the lights. Me too.

Lie down. As do I. And throw up. I feel better.

Okay.

I already do.

Hello, Dave.

Oh, Nob. How are you?

Couldn't be better.

Woke up this morning.

And, no, I woke up in the morning.

Haven't seen the sun in 20 years. Now I know what these are for.

Yeah, yeah, thus the name sunglasses.

You know, when you wear them at night, things just get oddly dark. Yeah, you're

telling me.

Dave, I just wanted to thank you for helping me through my first concert

And so I bought you this little doodad.

Thanks.

Roll that.

Uh, if this is a doodad, I can't wait for you to give me a tchotchke.

It's engraved, too.

Dave, you fucking rock.

Wow. Now, see, it's not every day you see the F word engraved. Although once I

did wake up with it tattooed on my ass.

Yes, let me tell you, that'll get you to stop drinking. And undressing in front

of other people.

Well, may this watch always be as reliable as you, Dave. Well, it better

costs more than I do.

Which reminds me, um, I'd like to hire you to come on tour with me.

Yeah, sure. That's very nice, Navi. Thank you. No, I only sing in the

and even there I get booed. No, no, no, Dave. You don't understand.

Not to sing, to keep me sober. I mean, you have this calming effect on me.

Oh. So do you want to come, see the wonders of the world, the pyramids of

temples of Kyoto?

And there's this whore in Amsterdam.

She can milk a cow with her feet.

Really? With her feet?

Yeah.

Oh.

So what are you doing?

Uh,

trying not to drink.

Yeah, I did that earlier.

I did so well, I'm rewarding myself with another cocktail.

Makes sense to me.

Which is why I should go to a meeting.

No, you come meet me at the bar. It's happy hour.

Oh, come on. It's 3 o 'clock.

So what are you saying?

I gotta wait till 5 to be happy? I got a guy here buying me drinks. I'm happy.

Okay, you make a point.

I mean, after all, in New York, it's 6 o 'clock and happy hour's over. Right. So

you're coming down? I mean, it's half -priced drinks and all the guys you can

eat.

Well, I am hungry.

Great. See you soon? Okay. Bye.

Hi,

Tiff. We're here.

What was wrong with there?

Nothing.

Hey, how's my favorite little nephew?

You know?

want to run away from home, you shouldn't bring your mom.

Thank you so much for offering to watch him.

Did I do that?

Oh,

I meant watch him on videos because then you can fast forward it.

Billy. Look, Tish, I'm not good with living things, okay? I mean, when I was

eight, I killed my guinea pig.

Did you know that they can't swim? Well, not in a jacuzzi, anyway. Another

experiment gone awry.

Now, it's only for a few hours, and I've written a specific list of instructions

that even a monkey could follow. So leave them at the zoo. I'm sure one of

gorillas there is lactating.

Oh, my gosh. This is not a list. It's a novella.

Billy, you have to do this. Jerry's out of town, and it's my church group's turn

to volunteer at the homeless shelter.

Those poor lost souls are counting on me. Why don't you just take little Oral

with you?

Are you kidding?

Bring my baby around those low -life filthy scum?

Hey, if they can push around a shopping cart, they can push a stroller.

Billy, you promised me.

Now, back where I come from, a promise is a promise. Yeah, well, here in L .A.,

a promise is a vague bunch of words that have no meaning.

Please. Oh.

Oh, okay, just put them over there with the others.

What others? I don't see any.

Oh, my God. I am the world's worst babysitter.

Now try.

Okay, here are his baby wipes, a change of diapers, and a bottle of my breast

milk. Ew. Can't I just give him a you -hoo? Yeah, along with his steak.

All right.

Goodbye, sweetheart.

Oh, great.

See, because of you, I can't go to the bar.

Well, maybe that's not such a bad thing.

So, Auntie Billy will keep you safe, and you keep Auntie Billy sober.

Okay?

No pressure.

Okay, Joyce. Now, when I'm up in San Francisco this weekend with Maddie, I'm

going to let you run the place. It's going to be like a little triad. What do

you mean a triad? I thought I already had the job. That's why I left my other

job. So do I have the job or not? And if not, why not?

Are you mad at me?

No, no. I'm concerned that you have the heart rate of a hummingbird.

Okay, no more coffee for you. You can serve it. You don't drink it.

Well, is that a heart -spot role? Because I really like coffee. That's why

took this job. Otherwise, I would have stayed at Jamba Juice, but I don't like

juice. I like coffee.

Yes, I know that. That's why your blood type is French Roast.

Go, clean, circuit, melt.

You're never going to guess what happened.

Bobby's asked me to go around the world with him. Whoa, I didn't even know you

two were dating.

Don't be ridiculous. He's way too short for me. Come on, he hired me to be his

sponsor on the road.

Dave, you know you cannot be a paid sponsor. And you also know the whole

of this program is that it's free.

No, I thought the point of the program was to help people stay sober. It is.

Yeah. But you can't buy sobriety.

Money crops.

Never having had any, I wouldn't know, but I'd sure like to find out. Come on,

Mel, this is a big opportunity for me, man. Would it kill you to be a little

more positive?

I am positive.

I'm positive that this is a bad idea.

Hey, whoa, look.

I'm a happy clown. I'm a dancing happy clown. I'm a dancing clown who

needs a drink.

Okay, oh, I got it. Hey, hey, hey, here we go.

How about we take the Cosmo personality test?

Okay, here we go.

Do you like to strip for your man?

No. See, me either, because you try to look sexy, but you end up getting your

foot stuck in your jeans and you hop around like an idiot.

Yeah? No? Okay.

How about a drink? Are you thirsty?

I am.

Here we go.

Yeah?

Oh, Oral, come on. Oh, I know, I know. Look.

Hey, how about from a perkier breast than you're used to?

No use crying over spilled breast milk.

Wow. I didn't even know you were pregnant. You were barely showing.

What do you mean, barely?

Okay, okay, okay, go on. If that is not a walking advertisement for Bachelor.

Not to mention birth control.

I know.

Hey, hey, hey, be careful.

Oh, come on. I used to babysit for my little twin neighbors all the time. Of

course, they were girls.

And they were 16.

And they like to be spent.

And the cops bought that story?

See, then he just needed to get picked up.

Like so many of us. Yeah.

Listen, I can't stay. I just came by to see how you're doing and to tell you I'm

going on tour.

Oh. So the circus finally took you.

No, actually, I'm going on tour with Nobby.

You know, we're going to do a couple more California dates and then on to

and Japan.

Japan?

Well, that should be fun. You'll be the tallest guy there.

So you're okay with this? Sure.

Yeah, I mean, you know, you need space and I need space.

Hmm, what are we, astronauts?

Look, if you really want me to stay... You'll stay?

No, but I feel pretty guilty on most of the plane ride.

Oh, then fine.

Go. You know, just leave me here with the baby. We don't need you anyway.

Hey, that's not my baby.

Yeah, well, it's not mine either, but I'm staying, aren't I?

Listen. The limo was downstairs waiting for me.

I always wanted to say that.

I'll miss you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell it to the judge.

Come on, take care of yourself, and I'll call you, all right?

Yeah, well, I might not be here.

I might go on tour with Cher.

She may not be a drunk, but she can sure use my fashion advice.

Bye.

Well, it's just you and me, kid.

And we don't need him, right? We don't need anybody or anything.

I have to drink.

That's right. We need a drink.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Are you thirsty, too?

Yeah. Well, look, we are going to get you some formula.

Although, personally, I think it's never too early to start dieting. Boy, who'd

have thought you'd have a drinking problem, too?

I thought you didn't like short guys. See? He makes me look tall.

Besides, he's fabulously wealthy.

In that case, does he have a brother?

Honestly, why did you bring a baby here?

Because if I left him in the cab, Ahmed would have kept the meter running.

Actually, we just went out to the store to get some baby formula, and he

insisted on coming here.

You see?

He said bar.

Isn't that cute?

Can you say Harvey Warbanger?

If he does, the drinks are in the house.

All right, what'll it be?

Oh, none for me. I am babysitting.

Come on, have one drink. I mean, after all the babies had his shots, why

shouldn't he get yours?

Good point.

I mean, I need to be inoculated against life.

Yeah, it's not fair if he gets to hit the bottle and you don't. Right, I mean,

after all, I've been catering to his needs all night. Right, so why should

be held a prisoner for his demands, his moods, his blatant immaturity?

Come on, he's like four months old.

And he should act like it and not expect to be coddled like an infant.

I could use a good coddling and a spanking. Oh, shut up, Vic.

Drunks should be seen, not heard, unless they're ordering me a drink.

All right, gel, buy them around.

On me.

Oh, okay.

Well, since I can only have one, make it a triple.

And you, don't order any milk. They'll call you soon.

It goes on and on.

And on and on and on.

It's a fucking boring song. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no.

Booze. Gabby doesn't need the booze. Thank you. Hey, hey, Dave, come on.

be too hasty. I mean, it's for the atmosphere, the ambience.

Yeah. Like these groupies. I mean, I can't fuck them all, but it's nice to

them to friends.

Yeah, my friend, girls are not addicted.

Bet you can't eat as well.

Who'd want to?

Hey,

Billy, you've got to change the baby.

Hey, look, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that no one can change

Okay? You have got to change yourself.

Poor baby.

It's not easy to change, is it? But you know what? I'm going to help you. Your

Auntie Billy is going to make it.

Oh, hey.

There we go.

Jeez, what did you eat?

Vic, you're an asswipe. You do this.

Billy? Yes. Oh, jeez.

How dare you bring my baby to a place like this? Oh, it's a great place. It's

like Chuck E. Cheese, only the rats don't sing.

Besides, they say it takes a village to raise a child, and every village has a

bar. So, you know, a lot of those kids must be drunk. You gave my baby liquor?

Of course not.

I drank one. I am not. Don't be ridiculous.

She's hammered. It's completely different.

God, he's covered in peanut shells.

Oh, I know. That's because he was so cold.

Of all the horrible things you've ever done in your life, this is the worst.

Oh, come on.

There's no police here. Everyone has their clothes on and no one's dead. So I

don't even think you'd make the list. Well, I made mine.

Well, you know what? I told you not to leave the baby with me. Oh, so it's my

fault you're an irresponsible drunk?

Well, it is about time. You admitted it.

Hey.

Good night, eh?

Yeah, man, but how the hell do you sleep with those fans screaming outside?

Well, they weren't outside. They were in my room.

Don't most fans just write a letter?

They do, yeah. It's a penthouse.

After they've been with me.

Yeah, if I had a nickel for every girl who wrote the penthouse after being with

me, you'd still have to buy me breakfast.

You helped me sell it, but, uh...

Get a move on, because I want to go and buy a Ferrari.

I thought you already had one.

Yeah, but what if it breaks down?

Jesus, for 300 grand, you'd think they'd give you a loaner.

Listen, I think today we've got to work on your program.

Oh, we've got plenty of time for that, Dave. We're going to 12 different

countries. That's one for each step.

Which gets us to Monaco for step nine. Very convenient, because I need to make

amends to Princess Caroline.

I vomited in the palace pool.

Not proud of it.

Have you seen my other boot?

It's in the TV.

Hello? Dave, it's me. Do you have a minute?

Hey, come on, Dave. Get a move on.

Actually, Nabi needs me for something. Can we talk a little later?

I guess so.

Dave, Dave, these Ferraris will not test drive themselves.

Not this year's models, anyway. Come on, call me later, okay?

I've got to go. Sure. You know, I just wanted to tell you... I slipped and

really fucked up.

I'm not even dressed. Come on. Look, I know you want to go shopping. I think we

really have to work on your sobriety. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

You work for me, remember?

Here's your first week's pay.

You're doing great.

Look, this, Nubby, this is all wrong.

Well, I took a little out of the cracked headboard. No, this arrangement is all

wrong. You know, I'm your sponsor. I'm not being helpful to you. You are, Dave.

I'm completely sober.

I'm as dry as a martini. Bad metaphor, but you know what I mean. Come on. Today

you're sober.

Okay? The only way that you can stay sober is to work the program. Let's do

now.

We're ready, Nobby.

Look, Dave, are you sure?

Because Petunia here, she's never been in a Ferrari.

Ooh, fast cars make me horny.

Well, it's always tomorrow.

Make sure the equipment is labelled for San Diego. I don't want the guitars

ending up in San Salvador like last time.

I'm still getting demo tapes from the rebels.

I think we should do some work now. We've been working, Dave. I've done

sold -out concerts this week. I mean, work on your sobriety. Remember

Anonymous, the 12 Steps and the meetings and all the people who talk like I'm

doing right now? Dave, maybe you didn't get this before, but I pay you.

That means I'm your boss.

And when I want to work on the programme, then we will.

But you never want to. Well, it makes your job easier, doesn't it? No, not

really. You've got to want to work on this program, Nabi. It's not my job to

you. Well, then quit doing it.

Now, come on, grab my bag and let's get out of here.

Grab your bag? I'm not your roadie, I'm your sponsor.

Does that mean your arm's broken?

Uh -huh, no.

It means the relationship is really not working.

Jeez, now you sound like my ex -wife.

Hey, you're not going to sue me, are you? No, I'm not going to sue you. You

know, the truth is that since I became your employee, you've lost all respect

for me. I came down here to help you with your sobriety. You know, I can't do

if I'm on your payroll.

So you're saying that you'll work more effectively if I don't pay? Yep. Oh,

great! I wish that were true of my lawyers, my agent and my ex -wives.

I mean, they've never done any work, the lazy cows.

You don't understand, man. I'm leaving.

You can't leave.

I can't stay sober without you. Oh, yes, you can. Come on, there's meetings in

every city and every part of the world.

Really? Of course.

We may be drunks, but we're organized drunks.

Look, I'll make you a list, okay, of all the meetings. You go to them, and

whenever you need help, you call me, day or night. All right?

You promise?

I promise. Come on.

Hey, Dave, you're a great guy. Oh, and you can't put a price tag on that. Okay.

Hey, girls, come and say goodbye to Dave. He's leaving.

I'm going to miss you, you know. Yeah.

We have great fun.

And I'm going to miss you, too.

I'm going to miss you, too.

And, Brandy, I'm going to miss yours, you, most of all.

What the hell do you think you were doing?

I know.

I'm sorry. Let me explain.

Do you have any idea would you put my wife and baby through? Do you have any

idea? Well, I was there, so yes, I have an inkling.

Look, I'm really sorry, Jerry, but to help smooth things over, I bought the

a gift.

Oh, what is it? Baby's first wet bar?

No. It's a Bible baby. You push its belly and it quotes the scriptures.

Forgive us our trespasses.

Do you really think that a toy can make up for what you did?

Not anymore.

Look, Jerry, I am really sorry, and I promise I will never take the baby to a

bar again.

You know, from now on, it's strictly pool halls and brothels.

You're not going to joke your way out of this.

I can't find my way out of it. I can't joke my way out of it. How the fuck am I

going to get out of it?

You're not.

When did you fall off the wagon?

What wagon? I was never on a wagon.

What do I look like, Annie Oakley?

No.

You look like an alcoholic.

And that makes me really sad.

Yeah, well, I'm sad too. But you know how I feel when I take a drink?

Less sad.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that. But until you're sober, I can't be around you.

We grew up with a drunk.

I'm not going to let that happen to my son.

Oh, so, okay. So I make one little mistake and you just write me off?

Huh? You know, if that's the kind of person you are, then I don't want to be

around you.

You won't be.

Oh, fine. Fine, go. Everyone else has. Mom, Dave, Jackie, everyone.

I don't need any of you.

Last time I waited this long for a cup of coffee, I was a POW.

If that was an Asia man, you should have been ordering tea.

Dave, what the hell are you doing back already?

I missed you?

Yeah, right.

How'd it go?

Incredibly well, I think. All the customers really seemed to like me

ones I put coffee on. But they're not going to sue because fortunately the

coffee was performed because I think the burner was broken. But I don't know if

I'll fix it. Do you?

It sounds like you work very hard.

I'm going to give you the rest of the night off with pay.

I'm speechless.

Thank God.

So, weren't cut off for life on the road, huh?

Now, what do you want me to say, huh? That I was wrong and you were right,

I made a mistake?

I should have listened to you?

That I'm an idiot?

That's exactly what I want you to say. You must be a mind reader.

I'm still going to be Nabi's sponsor, just from a distance.

Wish I could do it that way.

Thank you for trying to give me some good advice.

You're welcome. Maybe next time you'll listen to it.

I doubt it.

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