Original subtitles

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I got to see the face because I

don't know any way.

Where will I find someone who understands?

You're as passionate in the courtroom today as you are in the bedroom at

Yes, but in the bedroom I rarely object.

What's your ruling on this?

I'm wearing a black tea string.

As am I.

Drink? Oh.

You know, I can't believe Antonia lost the case.

You barely pay her, she works like a dog, and you crippled her. Oh, yes, make

her sound like the injured party.

She has iron rods in her spine.

Sir, I've had a headache for weeks. Whose side are you on?

Billy, could you please support your mother in this? I mean, she's been

a terrible time.

Yeah, perjury can really take it out of you.

I'd like to propose a toast to Martin Crick, a brilliant attorney and one hell

of a guy.

Thank you for getting my wife off.

Well said.

Fifth verdict is a triumph for the overprivileged.

The poor must be stopped before they tear down our gated communities.

I still don't know how you did it.

He blackmailed the judge.

Billy, we have an old saying in the legal profession.

If you want to be a judge in this town, don't be photographed with a

transvestite at Club Fuck.

I'll embroider that on a pillow.

Martin, may I see you in the foyer for a moment? I want to discuss the binding

nature of our oral contract.

Good. She's gone. Look, I need help.

We'll get you the best therapist money can buy.

No, no, no. I mean, I need help with the final details of our 35th anniversary

party. Oh, why can't you get Jerry to help you? I mean, he's the capable anal

one. I'm the bad seed, remember?

Bad seeds don't plan parties. We ruin them. Jerry took the baby to fish his

relatives in the Ozarks. Oh.

Well, I'd also like you to make a big anniversary toast. Mm.

No, no, no. I mean, I'm not good at saying nice things about people. You

that. But if you can't say something nice about your mother and me, who can?

Well, someone who doesn't know you.

We can't go on like this.

I know.

My heart is pounding like the hooves of a thousand wild horses.

You really should get that checked.

Let's take a cruise to the South Seas.

Picture it.

You and I, frolicking in the surf, kicking sand in the faces of the

I go away with you. I can't just up and leave the man I've been with for 35

years.

I married him when I was 10.

That would explain your bad choice.

Judy, let's face it.

The clock is ticking.

You're not billing me now.

No. I'm wooing you.

I want you to leave your husband and spend the rest of your life with me.

What are you two chatting about?

Oh, um, I was just recommending a dentist for Trudy.

She has a cavity that must be filled.

Actually, several.

Okay,

how's this?

I'd like to make a toast to two lovely people who adore each other.

Unfortunately, I have to toast my parents.

A little too hot, though.

Well, not if you hate them.

So who made the toast last year?

No one. My mother dragged the whole family to Chippendales. And the course

Hispanics night.

Let me just do that again.

Hey, Mel, what do you like to do at night?

Would you like to go dancing?

Ron, we need to draw some serious boundaries in this relationship.

No, I mean, would you dance here at the coffee shop?

I've already got a job.

I'm only asking because I'm thinking of having dancing here at night. You know,

business has been lousy since that Starbucks moved in down the block.

Dave, why don't you have an open mic night? We had one in rehab and it was a

of fun. This guy actually fell off his chair laughing.

Or was that a seizure?

An open mic night, that's not a bad idea. You could do some comedy. Right,

You could observe silently.

And Billy could, um...

Billy could... Hello.

I'm the only one here in show business.

I'm the only professional performer. I could be your surprise celebrity guest.

Yeah, the surprise would be you're not a celebrity.

Oh, go torture hot, Milt. Everybody is welcome to sign up. In fact, I'm

on all of you to perform. It's a great idea. We'll start tomorrow.

Well, tomorrow doesn't work for me.

I've got my parents' 35th wedding anniversary.

35 years. Wow.

The only long -term commitment I can hand you is my penthouse.

Oh, good thinking. A woman can't leave you until she's stable to the page.

I've been having a lot of trouble figuring out this toast. I was hoping

could help me flesh it out. Sure, darling. What have you got so far?

Okay.

A toast?

Oh, that's perfect, darling. Short and sweet, just like you.

Did you just call me sweet?

Yeah, don't you know how to take a compliment?

No, because you've never given me any.

Oh, how could that be when you're so adorable?

Stop it. Would you stop it? You're freaking me out. Are you on drugs?

No more than usual.

Then why are you humming?

Darling, I have to confess.

Oh, no, no, no, you don't. I'm not even sure I can explain it. Okay, how about

this? Don't try. All right, you've weaseled it out of me.

Darling, I'm in love.

After all these years, who could have thought it possible?

The anniversary has rekindled the flames between you and Daddy.

I'm talking about Martin Crisp.

Ugh, that sleazy lawyer.

He makes me want to be a one -man woman.

What about the one man you already have, your husband?

Do you remember him, the short one who pays all the bills? Which is why I just

assumed we kept this quiet.

Oh, I'm not going to tell him. In fact, I wish you'd never told me.

Let's pretend it happened that way.

Your father's just so busy, you know, making plans for an anniversary party.

trouble him with one more little detail?

Detail? You just said... You're in love with another man.

I'm looking forward to this party.

What is this? Is there something fascinating on the ceiling or are you

frozen with ecstasy?

I'm thinking about my parents.

Whatever turns you on.

You know, something disturbing has happened.

Something so absurd I can't even fathom it.

You got an acting job?

My mother is in love.

Well, good for her.

No, no, no, with her lawyer.

Well, you know, they say lawyers will always screw you.

What?

I don't mean to be insensitive, but it's not exactly her first affair. You told

me she had more cabana boys than Club Med.

Yeah, but this guy is different, and not just because he speaks English.

I mean, I've never seen her like this, Dave. She glows. She hums. She's happy.

It's alarming.

Put your mother out of your mind.

Out of my mind?

She's out of her mind.

Yeah.

I mean, why can't people think of anything but their own selfish needs?

You're right.

You're right.

After we get naked before the doctor again.

And I promised I wouldn't tell my father, but maybe I should.

I mean, I never keep my promises. And this guy, he's a real threat.

On the other hand, who am I to burst his bubble?

You know, it'd be like telling a retarded child he's retarded.

You can't do it. You send him off to school and you tell him he's like

else? Okay, okay, so maybe he rides the short butts and has to wear a helmet,

but basically, you keep him in the dark. Billy, in the program, they tell you

not to try and control other people, okay? Your parents have managed for 35

years. Let them work it out on their own. Yeah, but what if they don't work

out? Then you're going to have to accept that, right? There are certain things

that are beyond your control.

Then what can I control?

Well, apparently when we have sex.

Okay. I think we have the seating arrangement.

Daddy, I think we have a serious problem.

Oh, you're right.

We cannot seat the Feinbergs next to the Goldsteins. Mr. Feinberg is stooping

Mrs. Goldstein.

How do you know this stuff? Is there some adultery newsletter?

Hey, in our small circle, when people sleep around, you'd have to be an idiot

not to know about it.

Daddy, have you ever thought about what it would be like not to be married?

You know, to have your freedom and your independence.

And, well, maybe a cocktail waitress or two.

I've never thought about it. I mean, my marriage, my family, they are everything

to me. Yeah, but it's so much responsibility.

I mean, don't you ever feel like just running away?

When I think like that, I take a nap.

Billy.

Every marriage has its difficulties. I mean, the point is you stick together

you work it out.

Happy anniversary, dear. And to you, my darling.

Why is there a man outside with an ice sculpture of us?

That was supposed to be delivered to the banquet room.

Oh, my God, we're going to melt. Good, we'll look thinner.

I hope you don't wear this to the party. It will clash with Daddy Speedo.

It's for after the party. I'm going on a little trip.

I've decided to take some time off. From what? You don't do anything.

Well, darling, after the stress of the trial, I realise I need to find myself.

Preferably underneath Martin.

Mother.

I'll put in an appearance at the party and then Martin and I are leaving.

What? For how long?

Well, honestly, darling, I... I don't know who can predict affairs of the

Yeah, well, Mommy, look, if it's an affair you want, the next -door

got a new gardener, and he's sweaty and shirtless and on all fours, just your

type. No, darling, that's all in the past, because now my type is litigious

Brits who make love like escaped convicts. Well, where are you going?

Around the world on a cruise.

Yeah, but what about Daddy?

No, he gets seasick, darling.

Yeah, but what are you going to tell him, Mother?

I'm hoping he won't notice.

I know you haven't been the most attentive wife, but you are a fixture in

house. Kind of like that lamp.

Although it gets lit less often than you do.

You're not enticing me to stay, darling. Look, you have to tell him. You can't

just reappear after six months and say you were stuck in traffic.

Well, this is L .A.

There is a limit to what you can blame on gridlock.

Darling, you know, with all this carrying on, you're going to spoil our

anniversary. Me?

Me? Yeah, there you see. There you go again. Only thinking of your needs.

a word about my needs. No, it's all about you and your sobriety. Jerry and

infant and your father with his spoons of the world collection.

Well, it's my turn now, darling. Do you hear me? My turn.

No, please. You've had more turns than a rotisserie chicken.

My client cannot be held responsible for a sluggish old woman in a wheelchair.

We're countersuing for the damage to my client's Bentley.

Look, Mr. Crisp, I know exactly what you're doing with my mother.

You've seen the videos?

Ew.

I meant I know that you're taking her around the world.

How could you do that?

Frequent flyer miles.

I get them every time I use my credit card. I'll have you know my mother is a

happily married woman.

Well, she's married anyway.

How dare you just march in and disrupt a perfectly dysfunctional family?

I can see you're upset.

But you must understand, your mother is the best thing that's happened to me

since I got the Santa Monica slasher off on a technicality.

By the way, lock your doors.

Look, Chris, my parents have been married for 35 years.

They have a history.

All you two have is romance, passion, and really hot sex.

Ugh, that didn't come out right.

Why are you trying to appeal to my moral side?

You do know I'm an attorney.

Okay, then I'll appeal to your shallow side.

She's old.

She makes me look young.

She's totally dominating.

We take turns. She's completely impossible.

Then you should be thrilled I'm taking her off your hands.

Ethan, you are good.

As is your mother.

She makes me feel like a giddy schoolboy on smack.

Shaky and nauseous? Because that's the way I'm feeling.

Miss Frank, this may not make sense to you now, but someday when you're old and

alone, friendless and childless, playing ping -pong with an overweight orderly,

you'll understand.

Look.

Can't the two of you just stay here so it doesn't hurt my father? I mean, you

don't have to take my mother on a cruise to have sex with her. Nobody else does.

Miss Frank, I'm a busy man.

Now, if you'll forgive me. I won't.

Man, I'm nervous.

I hope the night goes good. You know, they're opening another Starbucks around

the corner. It's a plot that... You call her the world. It's a company, Dave. A

well -financed, efficient company.

It serves damn good coffee.

Oh, my God. They got you, too?

Okay, man.

It's time to start the show. Now, remember, the audience is like a

woman. You've got to be charming, right? Get her in the mood.

Grab her by the ass. Show her who's boss.

Okay.

Remind me not to set you up with anybody.

Sure.

What? Hi.

Hi.

Uh, welcome.

Welcome to Mike's Open... Wait.

Welcome to Dave's Open Mic Night.

I'm Dave. Uh, before we begin the show, why don't we get to know our audience a

little bit?

Uh, hey, little lady, what you reading?

The Incest Survivor's Handbook.

Okay, on with the show.

Um... Let's see who signed up first to perform tonight. The first person is no

one. No one has signed up to perform. Not even the friends who promised they

would. Jackie!

I am not going to open, Dave.

I am more of a headliner.

Okay. Fine.

Uh, so, um... Hey, why don't I tell you a couple of jokes?

Um, coffee joke. Where does day -old coffee come from?

Has beans.

Has beans. Oh!

There were more laughs at my grandma's funeral. Even there, she's funnier than

him. Maybe we should have an open casket night.

Perfect, because this boy is dying.

Okay, here's a joke about today.

Surprise celebrity guest.

You have to come to my parents' anniversary party. My mother is running

with her lawyer.

I've heard of attorney -client privilege, but that's ridiculous.

Come on, Dave.

Please, I need your help. I'm begging you, and I don't usually beg.

Well, not with my clothes on, anyway.

Oh, please, beg naked.

It's the only thing that'll save this show.

I can't leave. I'm emceeing.

It's the wrong game.

Run along, Dave. Run along. I can go down the fork. It'll be okay.

It'll be okay. All right.

Listen up, people. We're gonna have a show here. Whether you like it or not,

the fuck down.

When I was pinned down in the Nang and Foxhose, I couldn't just get up and

leave.

All right, anybody know a knock -knock joke?

I said, anybody know a motherfucking knock -knock joke?

All right, you, Superman.

Oh, my God, what am I going to do?

I don't know.

I shouldn't even be here. You know, if I wanted to get in the middle of a

torturous family conflict, I'd go home for Christmas.

That's it.

Yes, that's it. You should be in the middle.

What? Well, you just gave me a great idea.

It's a little wacky, but work with me.

Yeah? How about you fuck my mother?

That's an unusual anniversary gift. What, are you insane?

No, come on. It's not as bad as it sounds. You can stop as soon as I take a

picture. You're going to take a picture? That's even worse than it originally

sounded. No, no, Dave. See, the picture is the point. I'm going to show it to

Martin, and it will break them up.

No. Look, it's not like I'm asking you for a lift to the fucking airport.

Who cares? I'm not having sex with your mother.

You know, after last night, I'm not even sure I'm having sex with you.

Ah, Miss Frank, we meet again.

Are you out of your mind? You shouldn't be here.

It makes two of us.

I was invited.

I don't care. You have to leave now.

But the fun hasn't even begun.

I guess you think it's fun to screw with people, huh?

Then maybe you're right.

In any case, I think you and I need to have a little talk.

Oh, good day.

Dave!

What? Don't leave. I can't. You're my ride.

Don't mind me. I'll just be in here looking at the monkey painting.

May

I

be so bold as to inquire why we are standing together in a room with a

Well, you can be as bold as you like.

Look, Martin, I just wanted to apologize for my behavior today at your office.

See, I was just overcome with emotion and filled with strange new feelings

you.

I found I had a strong desire to... to... Stand together

in a room with a toilet?

Yes. No, no. What I mean is I love the way your eyes reflect the light and...

And the way your voice resonates off the bathroom tile and the way you... Oh,

screw it. There's no time for subtlety.

Fine.

Are we all through here, then?

Why don't you want me?

I mean, I'm years younger than my mother and prettier and firmer.

If I wanted an annoying 30 -year -old with perky tits, I would plug my

again.

First of all, I'm 29, okay?

Second of all, you can't reject me. You know why? Because I don't like you.

The feeling's mutual.

You know, it's not easy being a biracial lesbian.

If I were any more of a minority, I'd disappear.

You know, being a junkie is a lot like being a movie star.

You're only as good as your last hit.

I want to recite

some of my poetry.

Poetry? That's right.

I said poetry.

A fiery sunset, a moonlit song, shrapnel in my ass from the Viet Cong.

If I'd known this was formal, I would have worn my fancy T -shirts. If we'd

known you were coming, we'd have invited you.

Oh, Martin, Mr.

Cruz. Oh, and you're on time, too.

You invited him? Of course. If he hadn't have won the case, we'd be having our

anniversary celebration at Arby's, and we do have a lot to celebrate.

I can't go through with this.

Oh, let's go. If we're late, they'll start the chicken dance without us. You

don't understand. I can't do it. Of course you can. It goes like this.

No, please stop that, Daddy. Listen to me. I can't go through with this.

something that you need to know.

No, darling, I think children should be seen and not heard. Let's go.

Mommy's leaving with Martin Crisp.

Well, fine.

We'll take two cars. No, Daddy, listen. You're not hearing me.

Mommy is leaving you.

What?

Is this true, Trudy?

You don't have to answer that.

Sorry, Max.

I want you out of my house.

Now!

Well, then, I guess I'd better be leaving.

Just remember, it's the little mishaps that make special occasions memorable.

See you in the car.

How could you do this and on our anniversary?

Well, darling, you know, there's never really a right time to abandon someone.

It's always birthday or the holidays or right before third room.

There's a party with 300 people waiting.

Well, you won't be lonely, will you, sweetheart?

Handsome man like you.

Fine. Fine.

You go run off with him.

I'm going to our anniversary party because this marriage means something to

I'm going to laugh and dance and hit on Mrs.

Goldstein.

Dave, follow him. Make sure he's okay.

Why not?

Hey, the next time you invite me to a family gathering, can you make sure it's

not your family?

This is the worst thing that has ever happened.

You don't feel guilty, Billy. I know you blame yourself.

No, I don't. I just want to assure you it's not your fault. I know that.

Don't you understand?

I am tired of being the perfect wife, the perfect mother.

You've never been either of those things.

Well, a leopard can't change its spots, darling.

You've got your whole life ahead of you.

You're only 35.

I'm 29.

The point is, I am getting older.

I'm a grandmother, for God's sake.

Martin might be my last chance at real happiness.

How can you say that? Why can't you be happy with us?

Martin makes me feel young again.

Plain and simple.

Oh, Billy, I'm not ready for the rocking chair.

Look, Mother, I don't know what you're going through, but can't you just stay

here and we'll work it out as a family?

We're... At least it's a group of people who are stuck with each other.

Keep moving, darling, because if I don't, I'll look down and see my Jordan

covered in peanuts and confetti and I'll know the parade has passed me by.

There are many parades happening all the time. There's the Rose Bowl and the

Macy's Day Parade and that parade where gay men dress up in drag. You'd like

that one. Bye, darling. Stay in touch.

No, Mommy.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't want you to go because she...

I need you.

What for?

Well, if they said.

I've never been the ideal mother, but I give lousy advice.

I'm self -absorbed. I never wear expensive clothes, so you can't even cry

shoulder.

But you're the only mother I have.

You still have me, darling.

Just a phone call away.

Mother, please don't go.

Darling, I love you.

But you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

And this old bitch is going to Fiji.