Original subtitles

No matter where I go, somebody's got to see. I got to see the basics, I don't

know any real.

Where will I find someone who understands?

raise my rent? I mean, that'll lead to stress, and stress leads to acne, and my

dermatologist is parasailing in Boca. I'll be homeless with bad skin.

Please hold.

Gentlemen, let the games begin.

You're all here to audition for Frat Party 6, a love story.

It's a tender romantic tale about seven horny frat boys and one beautiful,

unconscious co -ed.

Kind of a Porky's meet Porky's 2.

Now, do any of you have a problem with full frontal nudity?

Theirs or yours?

Speak now, or forever let me hold your piece.

Oh, how I love the casting process.

The hope of a fresh new face.

The excitement as I mold their raw, young talent with my bare hands.

You're up, Spartacus.

I had to pretend to earn a living.

Look, Celine, couldn't you just triple Mrs.

Gelfarb's rent?

She's 90. This is America.

Pray on the elderly.

Hey, sorry to bother you.

You know, I know we got off to a rocky start, but I really feel like I'm

improving at this whole work thing.

You forwarded my calls to a Mexican restaurant.

Well, that was yesterday. I like to put the past behind me.

and live for today.

Today you tried to back the post -it. Well, I was trying to conserve paper.

My point is, I really feel that I am becoming a valuable asset to this

All right, all right, I admit it. I'm a fiscally irresponsible, emotionally

unstable former drunk, but that should in no way prejudice your decision to

maybe, you know, hopefully give me an advance.

An advance?

You don't earn the money I pay you.

Oh, I quibble over the trivial. May I confide in you as a friend? No.

Fine. Then as an acquaintance.

You know, lately, my life has been really crappy.

Yeah. Haven't had sex in over a month. My landlord is raising my rent.

So sleep with him. Kill two birds with one bone.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Yeah. Besides, he said it would only cover my utilities.

Well, then get a second job. God knows you can't be tired from the one you're

doing around here.

Well, can't you just loan me the money?

Come on, Sid.

Siddy, Sid, Sid. You're like the mother I never had.

Forget it. Now you're like the mother I have.

God, what could I possibly do to earn some fast cash that's legal? I mean,

there's got to be something I'm qualified for.

Billy?

A girl with brains can do anything she sets her mind to.

You, on the other hand, should do phone sex.

Phone sex?

It'd be perfect for you. It would combine the few skills you have.

Talking on the phone, making up ridiculous stories. And bringing

shuddering climax.

Now I met my second husband.

Wow, maybe I should get my own 1 -900 line.

Sid, you are a genius.

And don't worry, don't you worry. This in no way is going to interfere with my

work here. I will do everything I've always done.

I .e. nothing. Exactly. Oh.

Darling, your first 1 -900 number. I am so proud.

Are you still a recovering alcoholic, or can you celebrate with a Mai Tai?

Oh, why not? Make me a virgin.

I'm not a miracle worker, darling.

You're not even a worker, Mommy. I meant the drink, a virgin drink. You know,

one without alcohol.

A drink without liquor?

What's the point?

How about driving your car legally, or maybe remembering your name, or not

bursting your liver at the age of 50?

50? I beat the odds. Yabba -dabba. Anyway,

you should be proud of me, darling. Ever since Antonia started feigning

sickness, I've been making my own Mai Tais. Wasn't she crippled?

Crippled, schmippled. Those people use any excuse not to work.

Speaking of work, I could really use some start -up funds.

Unless you'll help me pay my rent.

Absolutely not. Because of me, you lived here rent -free for years. Mother, I

was a child.

An ungrateful one. If you need money, go to a bank.

And do what, rob it?

Come on, Mom. I need money to help me advertise. No, you don't. Now, I'll put

a flyer at the country club. I'll call all your father's friends. Now, that's

settled. To think that everyone said you'd amount to nothing.

No, no, not everyone. Just you.

Prove me wrong, darling. Be a dear and get the door.

That won't prove anything.

Well, I gave you life.

The least you could do is cheerfully answer the door.

There's a strange man here to see you.

Boy, I had a nickel for every time I said that.

Are you true to Penelope Frank?

I might be, if you were a tad more attractive.

Oh, yes, you must be the masseur I ordered. Have they run out of Spaniards?

My God.

What? It's a summons. A summons? I haven't received a summons since I

accidentally drove into the L .A. Marathon. I tell you, darling, those

can run. Oh, Antonio's suing you. What?

That's ridiculous.

What did Oscar, that pilfering peasant, possibly sue me for? Work -related

injuries, reckless endangerment, striking her with a shoe.

Shall I go on?

Nonsense. I treated that ungrateful weed like she was my daughter. Mother, you

have cheated her, neglected her, abused her. Hey, yeah, I guess you're right.

Darling, is there no bond between women, between immigrants?

Mother, you came here on the concord. She came on a raft.

I am no stranger to work.

My family built their ancestral home with their own hands. Well, with the

of 50 indentured servants. But it was our wood.

You know, Mommy, this is bad. This is really, really bad.

You're going to need a character witness.

I volunteer?

How marvelous of you to selfishly stick by your mother in her tragic hour of

need. What will it cost me? You pay for my phone sex line, and I will lie for

you on the stand.

Of course, we're not supposed to lie in the program.

But you won't be in the program, darling. You'll be in court.

I won't be lying. It'll be perjury.

There's nothing about perjury in the program, is there?

Nope. I'll write you a check.

Oh, I have an important question for everyone. Oh, jeez.

Which is classier, Big Bodacious Babes or Gash?

Well, Babes is doing some very tasteful three -girl action, but Gash has a

groundbreaking Girls of Community College series.

I don't believe in porn.

I think sex should be a private, intimate union between two or more men.

Anyway, why do you ask, Billy?

For advertising purposes.

Getting my own phone sex line.

Okay.

What? No, wow, that's great. Or, hey, now you can be your own boss. Or why

I give the number to all my friends?

This is a desperate cry for help.

Wrong. This is a desperate cry for cash.

Man, I think it's just desperate. Billy, if you need a job, I'll hire you here

at the coffee shop.

Oh, please, look, I'm not going to work here. I can make more in three calls

than you make in a week.

But at what cost?

$19 .95 for a minute.

$20 a minute?

Someone's getting screwed.

And then, at what cost to your soul?

Oh, think about it, Billy, you're going to be like a glorified hooker.

Yes, but glorified. I mean, who are you to talk? You're like a glorified drug

dealer. You know, you get all these kids hooked on...

Coffee, a liquid crack.

And we have biscotti.

Don't you see? This is a test from God.

I hope he grays on a curve.

Billy, the answers you seek, they're not out there.

They're in there.

And my cleavage? Not hardly. No answers there, just more questions.

I was talking about her heart.

Oh, Billy, self -respect.

It's fragile.

It looks like a little porcelain doll.

That you're not allowed to play with. You know that doll loves you and wants

to take care of it.

Porcelain doll?

Damn, that's gay.

Bill, of all the bad decisions that you've made, and there have been many,

Oh, you mean like dating you?

No, that was my bad decision. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Either way, your dignity's on the line.

It is?

Yes. Dignity?

Hi.

What are you wearing?

Oh, come on. Just help me find a 1 -900 number. I was thinking of 1 -900 -FUCK

-ME.

You know, I think that's a little subtle.

Billy, as your sponsor and friend, I urge you to reconsider.

Look, Clark, we're not all independently wealthy like you, and if you really

hate the idea that much, why don't you give me some rent money?

I was thinking 1 -900 -HOT -BOT.

Sexual harassment, my arse. My client accidentally tripped, tore off your

client's blouse and clung to her breast for balance.

Are you Martin Crisp, attorney at law?

I was.

Now I'm Martin Crisp, attorney at lunch.

You're the man who defended the Bel Air Strangler.

Yes.

Got his charges reduced from triple homicide to trespassing. Nice chap,

when he's clean.

I'm Trudence Frank.

A beautiful woman.

Devastated. Oh, yes. We spoke on the phone.

You're being sued by your recently crippled maid.

No, she's perfectly healthy.

Tiny scratch, a bruise, a few shattered vertebrae. Apparently, she fell from

your chandelier.

Stealing $100. I had placed there for safekeeping.

It says here you struck her with a tennis shoe.

That's a lie. It was a Gucci loafer. I didn't strike her with it. I threw it at

her. Fun game of cat's gone awry.

Well, it's a tough case.

Hiring illegals is, unfortunately, against the law.

The law, the law. Why are you lawyers always obsessed with the law?

Don't worry.

I'll take the case.

It's a classic example of the destitute exploiting the idle rich.

These cases are the reason I bought my way into Harvard Law.

Your ruthless corrupt.

And $500 an hour.

That's highway robbery. I won't pay it. You'll pay it and like it. Or you'll pay

it and hate it. Either way, you'll pay it.

Is this the way you get your kicks, Mr Crisp?

Badgering women in distress?

Certainly not.

I also play golf.

You're a shyster in last year's Armani. You're a shrew and a prouder knockoff. I

object. Overruled. You're indecent. You're common. You're fired.

I'll expect payment by Monday.

Fuck it.

I'm totally naked. And I'm so hot.

Sorry. Sorry. And you take me, John. You take me. Oh, John.

Oh, yes.

Whoops, sorry, Jeff. Oh, Jeff.

Oh, hello?

Four minutes? Not bad.

Oh, hello? I mean, hello.

Oh, hey, you're my first lesbian call.

What am I wearing?

Nothing but black Chanel stilettos.

Yes, they're very sexy.

You have them, too? Where'd you get them?

You have them in red?

I got mine at Barney's. Where'd you get yours?

You know, they're having a sale there. You should really go check it out.

Okay. Bye.

Hey. Hey.

Thought I'd come by. You know, I can reach out, touch someone.

Yes, well, I am raking it in, baby, raking it in. And you know what? It

really good to be helping people achieve their goals. Their goals? What goals?

To, like, shoot their cum across the room?

You say that like it's easy.

Well, what I'm saying is that, you know, helping some sex -crazed sicko get off

is nothing to be proud of.

Yes, well, you know, you didn't say that when you were the sex -crazed sicko.

That is different, okay, because I wasn't paying.

Not in cash, anyway.

Hello,

this is Bambi.

Bambi. Great, you're going to soil a good name of a cartoon character.

Oh, fuck you, Thumper. Hey. Oh, no, no, no, not you.

Oh, you like that.

Listen and learn.

So, Thumper, we're deep, deep in the forest.

And you've got me tied to a sequoia.

Yes, I'm a naughty doe.

Doe? A deer.

A female deer.

Mommy. Mommy, I'm hungry. Mommy, can you get off the phone, please? Hello? Give

me some food, Mom, please.

It cost me 20 bucks. I don't want you to do this, okay? I don't want you to do

it, so I'll give you the money tomorrow.

You know, I am actually helping these people.

Helping people?

You're not Gandhi here. You're not Mother Teresa.

Really, as a matter of fact, I've been both.

And a German milkmaid. Oh, come on. This is so beneath you. It's degrading.

Anybody with half a brain could do phone sex.

Well, then you're underqualified.

You know what? I think you're just jealous.

Because all these men want me, and I've moved on from you.

You're a phone whore. Who's moved on, baby?

From me? No, I don't think so. Because if I was doing this, you would not be

happy. If you were doing this, nobody would be happy.

I'm a much bigger whore than you'll ever be.

Yeah, yeah, I'm going to get my own 900 number. 1 -900 -Big -Rot.

Big? Yeah. Well, it is about fantasy. That's right, baby, that's right. And I

more than qualified to be the fantasy man for desperate women everywhere.

I mean, Bruce, because that's where you'd make all your money, from hot, all

-male gay action. I can handle that, absolutely. Yes, yes, because I'm secure

enough in my masculinity, I can make a man come.

On the phone. I mean, over the phone.

It wouldn't be getting on me is my point. Anyway, anything that you could

could do better. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't, because you don't

have the guts, baby.

You want to bet? Yeah. Okay, we're both going to do phone sex for a week. Right?

Right? The one with the high total at the end of the week wins.

Okay? And the loser, which is going to be you, has to clean the winner's entire

apartment.

In the buff.

In the muff.

That's the case it's going to be. You are on, Bambi.

Okay. Hey, hey.

What? How big Rod does windows?

All right, now this is the turning point of the film. It's a very emotional

scene where Chip realizes he left his fake ID at Hooters. Now, I want to see

anguish, conflict, and sweat pouring down your chest.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

You do realize that when I suggested you do phone sex, I meant in your spare

time? I was on a bathroom break.

At your desk? I didn't have to go.

Just keep it down. We're running a business here, not a brothel.

All right, let's try it again.

This time, no pants.

Hi there. What's your fantasy?

Oh, a shipping invoice.

That's not very sexy, is it?

What?

Oh, shit. Oh, I'm sorry. No, wrong phone.

I'll get it right out to you.

Okay. Bye.

Gibson Entertainment.

Oh, it's you.

Ready to admit defeat?

Me? No way. I'm kicking butt. I am making coffee and having sex at the same

time. You just call me Don Juan Valdez. I don't have time to stroke your ego,

Dave. I'm too busy making thousands of men stroke themselves.

Yeah, pretty soon the only thing you're going to be getting off is the scum from

my toilet bowl.

Hello, welcome

to the pleasure phone.

Oh, yeah, I can do that.

Oh, yeah, I can do that, too.

Sure your wife can watch us while she spanks you with the Bible.

You know, it's funny, your voice sounds really familiar. You kind of sound like

my brother.

Jerry.

Stop harassing me, you horrid man. I haven't hired you.

I would rather hire a talking chimp.

My partner has all he can handle. Besides, he has no experience with

kleptomaniacal refugees.

I don't want your services. I take all major credit cards, including Diners

Club. $700 an hour.

You said $500.

It's a deal.

Oh, darling, thank God you're here.

I have met the most exasperating lawyer. He's driving me to drink.

Oh, what doesn't, Mom?

Oh, God, you look terrible.

Thanks. I'm getting no sleep, working two jobs.

If I don't win this bet, I'm going to have to clean Dave's apartment in the

nude. Oh, how degrading. You have to clean.

Oh.

Hey there, sailor, what's your fantasy?

You sick, disgusting little man. What will it take to make you go away?

A spanking?

Oh, Jesus.

Sorry. Sorry, that was my mother.

Now, you can't talk to her again.

You depraved lunatic. You are a disgrace to the legal profession.

$600 an hour, and I'll throw in a living will.

He's a revolting, rebellious man, Tom.

Do you like him?

Does it hurt?

And as you all know, I'm recently engaged to a confortionist. Maybe that's

she got her head up her ass.

So anyway, we're planning the wedding.

Usually she's very flexible.

Except when I make a suggestion, then she doesn't want to listen. Sometimes I

think nobody's listening.

Yeah, baby, that's right.

Officer Rod has pulled you over. I'm going to write you a ticket for being

damn sexy.

Oh, no, no, headmaster, not the big, hard ruler.

Will the two of you please get off?

Ooh, and by that I mean hang up those phones.

No, no, no, do not make me pull out my knife stick because you ain't going to

able to walk a straight line when I finish with you. Oh, no, don't paddle

Oh, okay. Go ahead. No, no, no. I'm going to have to give you a full body

search with my tongue right now.

Oh, headmaster. I'm ready for my oral exam.

I don't think you're going to want it because I'm pulling out the handcuffs.

they don't call you the headmaster for nothing. That's right. That's right.

That's the sweet spot. Oh, yes, headmaster. Give it to me. Give me an

A headmaster schoolgirl that's so 80s phone sex.

Sweet spot? What the hell is a sweet spot? How sad you don't know.

How would I know? You never found it. I never found it. You don't have one.

Every spot on you is bitter.

Oh.

I have never been more disappointed in two people besides my parents in my

entire life. She started it.

Don't go make a lot. Dave, I cannot believe this. Do you have to do

she does if she were to jump off a cliff? Would you?

Oh, no. Let's find out, Billy. Don't jump off a cliff.

Milt, let me get this one. Yeah.

Don't you see what this is doing to you two?

Drop the phone.

Drop them and learn to love yourselves again.

That it?

Don't do it. Let it go.

Breathe.

Which would you rather lose, hmm? A bet or your decency?

Decency. Hi, this is Rear Admiral Rod. Prepare to be boarded. Hi, I'm Bambi.

Bone me like you own me.

I have had just about enough of you, Crisp.

You've worn out my nerves.

I had no choice but to race to Neiman's to relieve the tension.

$4 ,000 I spent, and I told them to bill you.

And now...

If you'll excuse me, I'm going out for a martini.

Perfect. Make mine vodka straight up with a twit.

I could have you disbarred in two phone calls.

I could have you dismembered in one.

You're stalking me.

Oh, nonsense.

I haven't stalked a client since 96.

Look, we haven't much time.

Right now, your underhanded underling is preparing her case against you.

That is, when she's conscious and can form complete sentences.

Oh, God!

I'm chastised of it all. I gave her everything.

A spot in the sun, water, I trimmed her leaves.

Those were the orchids.

You've suffered a great trauma.

It is for that reason I will take a personal check.

You are not representing me.

Ask yourself this.

Do you want an affordable, honest attorney, or do you want a high -priced

who knows which judge to bribe?

I want to win at any price, except yours.

You're a passionate woman.

He mustn't say that to me.

I'm a potential client, not a woman whose husband will be out of town until

Thursday at six.

Fine.

400 an hour.

Two. Deal.

402 plus six.

What kind of lawyer licks a client's hand?

And completely ignores her lips.

Ouch!

God, you're good.

I'm hot for you. I'm so hot.

How hot?

101.

No, I'm not touching myself. I haven't even taken a shower yet.

Yeah, what about what I need? It's all you, you, you.

Bust your nut with one hot slut.

What's my fantasy?

What's my fantasy?

Boy, that's a thoughtful question.

I guess my fantasy right now would be to take a nice long nap.

Wait. You know, you have a very sexy voice.

Kind of a Barry White meets Alan Alda.

Oh, my God. You want to suck on my little toe?

I can't believe it. I love that.

And then I would grab you better than a Laker girl ass, which you are way too

self -conscious about.

You left the milk on the coffee table.

What are you doing here?

What? The week is up. The bet's over.

Don't hang up.

Come on. I'm a paying customer. I want to talk.

Come on.

Okay.

So, what are you wearing?

Lederhosen. You?

A scuba suit.

That must be tight.

Very.

And what do you look like?

I'm a four -foot -two hunchback.

I need an oxygen tank to breathe.

You? Oh, blonde, 5 '10", legs for days.

Too bad. I like short, squatty brunettes.

Squatty? Squatty.

I got a confession, Bambi. I am tired of having cheap, meaningless sex with

strangers, especially strange men. I would much rather have some cheap,

meaningless sex with you.

Oh, what a charmer.

Nap first.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Billy, this is a phone sex intervention.

It's affecting your work, your relationships, your emotional well

although after a tearful session with both my analysts, I realize it's not my

fault, I still feel partly to blame.

Okay, Clark, just take a deep breath before you hyperventilate.

Look, I've given it up all on my own.

You mean you realize it's tearing away at the very fabric of your morality?

Yes, and it's a cheap fabric that tears easily.

Oh, what a relief.

I mean, selling sex on the phone, what could be more degrading than that?

Uh, hello?

Um, I finished the windows, do you want me to start the bathroom?

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