Original subtitles

I think you're making a mistake.

Of course you do, Ophiria. You're Barbara's closest companion.

But I will not be denied the opportunity that is mine by birth.

You mean the opportunity to have your throat slit open for you. Best watch

tongue, Ophiria. After I sell Barbara in combat, I don't want to have to cut it

out for you.

After you sell me in combat, Muriela?

Has it come to this?

It's my right.

Sure, anyone has the right to challenge me for the leadership of the tribe.

I'm just sorry it's you. Why?

Because I like you.

I don't relish the idea of ripping your throat out.

Go and prepare yourself. I'm going to work up quite a sexual appetite

of this bitch.

I'm the challenger.

You choose the weapon.

Dagger.

You know the rules.

There are none.

Anything goes.

Go ahead.

Kill me. No, I will not kill you.

Not today.

But I want you to leave the forest forever.

And if you ever return, I will not be so merciful.

I would have killed you.

By the hairy horse of Hogarth, woman.

Leave.

I'll be back.

My loins are aflame with the fires of lust.

Bring me her men.

Your mistress is no more you belong to me now you are my

slaves Down

Bye. No.

No.

oh come

on

Fuck that pussy, yeah!

Not bad.

Now get out of here.

Barbara, they came in the night.

Hundreds of them with swords and torches. They burned the entire village

killed all our men.

And my sister?

Pyrrhinus is taking her back to his castle.

She's to be one of his concubines.

But the salty semen of Santarius.

I told you to watch her.

Look over her.

Show her the ways of civilized people.

Tyrannus is not a civilized ruler.

He and his horrendous Blackguard, they burn entire villages just for the

amusement of it.

I understand.

Ophria, gather provisions and weapons.

Your Majesty, we are but two women.

We are no match for the Blackguard. Have you forgotten who I am?

I am Barbara, the barbarian.

You are Valeria.

Your older sister Barbara has caused me some trouble over the years.

But enough of that.

Balthus, bear her breaths.

You're a swine.

Perhaps.

But let us not forget who is king and who is prisoner.

You'll do quite nicely in my bed.

You can't.

I'm a virgin.

Precisely. And I've searched far and wide to find a virgin to be my bride.

Tomorrow, my good doctor, Argon, here, will give you an examination.

If he does indeed find you to be a virgin, I will marry you and relieve you

that particularly distressing condition.

I'd rather die.

Don't tempt me.

You're much too hard, my dear.

Smile for me.

Smile for your future husband.

I'll smile when the flames of hell send your hair off your testicles. Oh, feisty

little wench.

Dr. Argon, take her to your waiting room.

We're ready to go.

May the many gods walk with you.

The only god we need is Shiva, the god of death.

The rest can stay here with you.

Take what you need. Food, drink, oral copulation.

We'd better go if we want to reach the castle before sunup.

We'll be back soon with the blood of Tyrannus on our hands.

Hell, I'll eat later

um

Ugh!

Mom. Mom.

So this is the type of doctor you are.

Well -versed in various forms of torture.

Please be quiet. I must tell you something.

What is it?

I'm supposed to be torturing you.

While we talk, I'll beat the wall.

You scream.

Why are you doing this? You mustn't tell anyone or I would be killed.

I hate Tyranus as much as you do.

We are a small group of underground.

As soon as we grow in number, we will overthrow him.

No, wait, wait, wait till I do the whip thing. Then it's great.

Sorry, got carried away.

That's all right.

Better.

So what does all this have to do with me?

We don't want you to marry Tyranus.

He's already ruined many young lives.

We must stop the wedding.

But how?

After I take that test tomorrow, it'll all be over.

There is one way.

Fail the test.

What?

Impossible.

I'm chased.

By everyone, I'm sure.

But think.

If you weren't a virgin, he wouldn't want to marry you.

What you mean is you want to...

It's a sacrifice, I know. I don't like it any more than you do, but it's our

only chance.

But I'm willing to do it for the good of the revolution.

All right.

If you're willing to make the sacrifice, then why should I be selfish?

Let's do it.

For the good of the people.

For the glory of the revolution.

I'll unchain you now.

mm -hmm

Let me take you from behind.

so beautiful

We have to move on.

remembered for

Thank you.

Oh my God.

Oh.

You're not Barbara.

Answer me. Who are you?

I'm Miriela.

I'm Barbara's concubine.

I'm supposed to be here this time every night.

Who are you?

I'm Sasha.

I'm from the village.

Where's Barbara?

She's off saving her sister from Tyrana.

Really?

How interesting.

Thanks.

Don't you want to leave a message?

Thank you for saving me, Doctor.

Anything for the cause.

You're so dedicated.

I can't see a thing in this darkness.

The castle is just over the ridge. Keep your eyes open for the black guards.

Found some.

Let me go, you disgusting sack of dragon droppings.

What is the meaning of this?

Can't you see I'm in the middle of something very important?

This young woman wishes to become a full -fledged concubine, and I'm giving her

oral examination.

Forgive me, your great Tyranus.

I caught this one prowling outside the castle walls.

I was not prowling, you repugnant pile of pig shit. I came right up to you and

asked if I could be King Tyrannus. Did not. Did to.

Didn't. Did. Children.

Why did you wish to see me?

Because I have news of Barbara the Barbarian.

Barbara the Barbarian?

What about her?

Oh, no.

What in it for me?

Well, first of all, I'll allow you to become one of my full -fledged

So well.

And secondly, I'll allow you to live.

Plenty of kinds of corn, Will.

I think I like killing as much as I like sex.

Me too.

And, uh, eating.

And drinking.

I think killing comes fourth.

Yeah. But then there's bowling.

Yes. I think it goes like sex, eating, drinking, bowling, killing.

But does bowling be... Okay, okay, I get the idea.

Let's go.

Balthus. Yes, your majesty.

Go outside the castle wall and keep a watch for Barbara the Barbarian.

And no matter what, do not let her into the castle alone.

Yes, your majesty.

Oh, and Balthus. Yes, your majesty.

Bring her to me alive.

Yes, your majesty.

I'm going to make two of my finest concubines.

A personal specialty.

Well -intended.

I do. I'm coming.

I want you to squish.

As wonderful as you were.

The king has come.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Valeria, hey.

Yes?

Am I dead?

Over here, silly.

Barbara, I thought you were a god.

Easy mistake.

I'm coming in to get you. Be careful.

Tyrannus, he's really crazy.

Yes, I understand.

The doctor, Argon?

He's on our side.

He'll help you. How can you be so sure?

He was nice enough to deflower me.

Gee, what a guy.

Hang tight, little sister. I'm coming in.

Barbara! Yeah?

Thanks. You're welcome.

Both of you, go outside the castle walls and look for Barbara the Barbarian.

Walk around in the cold all night and freeze your balls off.

Fuck him.

All those women.

All that money. Fuck him.

What I need is a woman.

Aphrodite. Goddess of love.

Can you help me?

I need a woman of my own.

Someone beautiful.

Loving. Witty.

Someone that gives good head.

I need a woman to keep me company.

Thanks. I've lost my way.

I'm just a simple shepherdess who's lost her sheep and doesn't know where to

find them.

Well, you're in luck, my good lady. I know many sheep.

Many sheep.

Argon, go to the dungeon and fetch me the virgin.

I do not wish to wait.

You will examine her tonight.

Aphrodite, you're my number one goddess. I swear it.

Mmm.

Don't rub it in.

Oh, it's you.

It's okay. It's just Argon.

Argon is my sister Barbara.

The barbarian? Yes. Pleased to meet you.

Likewise, I'm sure. My little sister tells me you're on our side.

Little sisters can be foolish.

My lord, I found this one trying to free her sister from the dungeon.

Rowan Oak?

Hello, Babs.

You?

You're Tyrannus?

Well, you must confess it's a much better name for an evil king than Rowan

After all, I always did have a flair for the dramatic.

I hope you're a better king than you were a lover. Don't start with me, Babs.

Don't call me Babs. You're the one who could never orgasm. Funny how I stopped

having that problem when I left you.

Enough. Kill her.

Wait. Are you such a coward now?

What do you mean?

You won't even give me a fighting chance?

Same old Babs. What do you want, a five -minute head start before I send my

guards after you, or hand -to -hand combat with my best warrior? What?

A Sumerian pickwiggle.

A Sumerian pickwiggle with my best warrior?

You haven't got a chance.

Not with your best warrior. With you.

What's the matter?

Are you afraid?

I'm not afraid of much, Babs.

Don't call me Babs.

What's a Sumerian pick -twiggle?

It's an ancient ride passed down through generations.

Hasn't been used for years.

What's the object?

Sex. To the death.

All right, you know the rules.

There are no rules.

Sex until one of you drops.

Now begin.

This is it, Roanoke.

You're going down.

Yeah, I know.

Have a good day.

Thank you very much, Nicole.

So these years can become.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

I don't know.

Come on.

Tell me what you think.

You can

make me come.

Uh -huh.

Maybe he just got so bitter after I left him he turned into a maniac.

Just goes to show what you can do with your life.

You're a total psychotic.

Anyway, now we have a true and just leader on the throne.

By the burning bowls of Balthazar.

She's right.

Isn't she, Argon?

Yes, mistress.

Bye now.

I'm off to Italy to shoot my next movie. Last Italian Style.

Ciao, baby.

Thank you.