Original subtitles

- You got mail, Dad. - More mail?

Man, it's like it comes every day here.

Zephyria's on a raven system, so you only get mail

once or twice every migration.

- Makes it so much more special, you know? - ALAN: Uh, I didn't get that. Ooh,

but you did get an invite to Mom and Craig's engagement party.

Wow, they're really going through with it, huh?

I have to say, I was pretty sure

your mom would've come to her senses by now.

Wait, hold on a second here.

It just says Zorn. There's no "plus one"?

- So? - So...

so, I mean, what does she expect me to do?

Just sit at the sad singles table and get super wasted talking to her

diabetic Aunt Deb, and just go home to eat curly fries and cry?

Well, I guess I know what I got to do today.

What, overreact to an imagined slight?

Don't be silly, Alangulon.

Zorn is going to get his plus one!

[heroic music plays] [Zorn grunts]

[crash] [gasping]

[title music]

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

EDIE: I'm so glad we finally found a use

for your grandmother's dollhouse furniture collection.

Yeah, me, too. I wish she was here to see it.

But she's in Tampa. In her grave.

Wait, what about Alan? What if he wants to bring that

precious, little, puppy-eyed friend of his?

- Scott? - No, I meant Layla.

He's been hanging out with her a lot lately.

- Mm. - I love her. She calls me

Mrs. B., like we're on Happy Days or something.

So, Alangulon gets a plus one, but I don't, huh?

EDIE: Zorn, why would you need a plus one?

Because of that, right there! Your pity look.

I am not gonna go to that party alone

and get that look all night, trust me.

Okay, fine. If it means that much to you, Zorn,

you can have a plus one.

And then, if you can find a date, that's great,

and if not, it's totally okay.

You're doing it again! Like I'm some pathetic,

lonely barbarian who's lighting scented candles

in my housecoat, as my six cats stare at me

- with tears in their eyes. - Well, aside from me, have you

- ever even had a real relationship? - Sure I have.

- Yeah, what about, uh, Katara? - The mannequin?

She was an enchanted love doll, Edie. And a great mom.

- Uh, uh, what about Radiana? - Radiana? Oh, please.

She was crazy, not to mention the fact

that she was literally radioactive.

Look, the important thing is: I'm bringing a date.

And we will both be having whatever the opposite of the fish course is.

Well, I'm sure you and your future lady friend

will make a wonderful couple.

But if this imaginary relationship

runs into a real pothole, maybe I can be of service.

That's right. Not only am I an online psychologist,

- I'm doing actual therapy. - Why are you wearing a cape?

- Well, because a hero doesn't... - No, thanks. The girl

I find will be perfect and we won't need any help from you.

- Aw... - Stop giving me that look!

ZORN: Okay, my mission is to find a maiden

who is stupid and ugly enough to have sex with me tonight,

yet smart and beautiful enough

to make me look good at Edie's party.

Stupid, smart, beautiful, ugly... those are the boxes to check.

- Now, to meet my she-Zorn. - Now, to find me a she-Todd.

LINDA: So, which one of you handsome idiots

wants to get pregnant tonight?

I told you the clubs in Fullerton Hills were better than L.A.

ZORN [chuckling]: Hey, what's up, girl?

Gorthar, the witch doctor of love, called.

Said he needs my heart back.

[chuckling] Ugh... No, thanks.

[blowing, sniffing]

- Craig, your toast is beautiful. - Oh, it's just a fifth draft.

Well, now I'm worried about my toast.

I-I don't like getting all emotional in front of people.

It's embarrassing and it's cringe-y.

It's the same feeling I get when I hear children

being interviewed on the radio.

Can I do something quick and simple?

- I mean, you know how I feel, right? - I do, but our closest friends

and work acquaintances don't. And that's who this party is for.

[bugle playing fanfare]

I'm here to announce that your present for

the engagement party will be a song... [bugle plays]

on... [bugle plays]

the... [bugle plays]

...glass harp, played by me.

You're welcome. Plus... [chuckling] Layla's gonna see me harpin' out

- and probably be like, "Wow, pretty cool." - CRAIG: Can you do covers?

What would "Lady in Red" sound like on the glass harp?

[whistling indistinctly]

That's fantastic.

Well, I'm sure I speak for both of us when I say,

- we can't wait. - Awesome!

That's so great, guys. Thank you.

As a licensed therapist, I hope this courtship with

this young lady goes smoothly, but if it doesn't...

- Wait, why are you wearing a cape? - Because, Alan,

- a hero doesn't have to... - Nope. Nope.

I'm gonna practice.

- Why did you say he could do that? - Was that bad? What?

Well, you know I love Alan more than anything.

I'm obsessed with him.

So you have to trust me when I tell you

his music is truly frickin' awful.

I was just pretending to like it because I love you.

Why does he think he's so good when he's so bad?

Well, it's my fault. He sucked at everything

as a kid, so I just constantly praised him.

I don't want him to embarrass himself

- in front of Layla. - You know,

it sounds like you and your son have a lot of

- issues you need to... - No, thank you.

[softly]: Okay.

[keys jingling] ZORN: I-I just don't get it.

You know, back in Zephyria, I could have any girl I wanted!

Any of 'em!

Oh boy, how many doorknobs are on this door?

Get in there. [slurring]: Get in there.

[scoffs]

Hey, I'll show 'em who's got a hot date.

Literally, the hottest date I know!

[poof] [romantic music]

- Hello, Zorn. - Radiana.

- You look great. - Aw, that's nice of you.

I feel fat.

[moaning] [laughs]

[both moaning]

[Radiana laughing]

ZORN: Mmm, I forgot what a great kisser I am.

Oh, hey, Edie. Didn't realize you were there,

just staring at us making out. That's weird.

[chuckling]: Just thought I'd stop by with my super sexy plus one.

- Uh, hello, Radiana. - Oh, Edie. You look older.

It must be all that time and aging.

Well, not everyone can have a thousand year half-life.

Or an ass like a teenage Rob Lowe. Hey!

- [groaning]: Okay. - ZORN: Oh, and that's Craig,

the gentleman that'll be marrying my sloppy seconds.

I like to think of it as recycling. [chuckling]

Hi.

[glass harp playing off-key]

[groaning] What... What's that sound?

EDIE: That's Alan practicing his glass harp. That music?

That's the music that plays inside a serial killer's head.

Ooh, yeah, your son sucks.

Can I get you guys something to drink?

Uh, just, uh, give me one second, babe.

[whispering]: So, Radiana is the best, right?

I mean, she's hot, funny, she can turn a normal tub

into a hot tub just by sitting in it, so that's a plus.

- Zorn, she's completely unstable. - Yeah, I mean

maybe she was completely unstable.

- But she's totally changed, probably. - EDIE: Look, just because

you might be a little jealous of me and Craig,

doesn't mean you should get back into

an unhealthy relationship just to be with someone.

But Edie, you know, I think she's really, like...

Why are you whispering? I can't hear what you're saying.

RADIANA: Oh, hey, sorry to interrupt.

Zorn, do you mind showing me where the bathroom is?

Hey! Next time you want to flirt with an ex,

- you can flirt with me! - Oh, whoa, what are you saying?

Because I'm gonna break up with you

[electrical crackling] if you flirt with Edie again,

so then I'll be the ex you can flirt with!

- What don't you get? - No, no, no, no,

Radiana, please, baby, baby, just listen,

- hold on, hold on... - Oh my God, you're right,

I'm doing it again. What is wrong with me?

Like, I've tried to talk to people about this jealousy stuff

and they always say it stems from my relationship with my sister?

But I don't know what to do because that, like,

- that goes deep. - No, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry.

I'll never look at another girl again, I promise.

Uh ,look, here, you don't believe me?

- Look, I'll stab my eyes out. - No!

How will I get lost in your eyes if you stab them out, baby?

[moans] [laughing]: Oh, yeah.

[rumbling, Zorn laughing]

ZORN [muffled]: Stop it. Oh.

- Oh, no, no. - Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, that's just rude.

ZORN: Sorry about that, guys. We were just, uh...

yeah, we just had sex. [coughs]

[sizzle, Zorn clears throat]

- It's just allergies. - CRAIG: Mm. Well, it is the season.

[music] [Zorn coughing]

LINDA: Zorn, you need to go home.

Oh, hey, Linda! Oh, no, don't worry, it's just some hay fever.

Got back together with my ex, Radiana.

She's the best. I mean, sure, there's a lot of drama

and then she cries radioactive tears and melts all the walls,

but somehow, it just... yeah, I mean...

it just... yeah, you know, it works. [chuckles]

Are you sure this relationship

- is the healthiest thing for you? - Oh, shut up, we're soul mates!

Oh, my God, she said the funniest thing the other day.

Actually, you know, I-I didn't even get it.

And-and then I was like, "Well, that's not funny,"

and then she started crying because

she thought I didn't think she was funny, and I was like,

"No, no, no, you're funny. You-you don't say funny things,

but you always get what's funny, you know? I love you."

And then we were like, you know, like...

[Zorn growling and barking] Uh-huh.

I-I get it. I get it. [Zorn imitates sheep bleating]

Hey, I was in a relationship just like that.

It's called a toxic... [coughing] Ah...

- Oh. - Linda, you better not be getting me sick.

Okay? [laughs]

[off-key notes on glass, knock at door] Knock knock.

- Stop it! - Hey, Mom, what's up?

Alan, what if someone you care about

was really, really bad at something,

but you know they love doing it?

Would you tell that person

so they wouldn't embarrass themselves

- in front of everybody? - I get it. I-I get it.

- You do? - Yeah, I mean, Mom, we know Craig

isn't the best therapist, but you can't just tell him that.

- I... can't? - Maybe... you know what?

There's a way you could, like, sneakily keep him from doing it?

Or... what if you just told him

he was way better at something else, right?

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

Yes! That's good.

- Cool. - Oh, hey, you are very persuasive.

Have you ever thought about

- joining the debate team? - Nope.

[music]

Radiana, sweetie, i-is that your toothbrush?

Well, I figured since I'm staying over so much,

might as well keep it here, right? Also, my other stuff.

- Also... me. - You want to move in together, huh?

What a great idea. It feels right.

Doesn't it just feel right?

Getting a dog. Meeting your parents.

Combining our bank accounts.

Having twin girls named Aquafina and Dasani.

- Holding your hand while you die. - Uh, yeah, yeah, but, I mean,

don't you think we might be moving a little fast? I...

Oh, I knew it! You never loved me!

Madison was right. You'll never settle down!

- And you think I'm fat! - What?

No, don't listen to Madison, she's a nut job. [Radiana sobs]

Look, I'll make you a key tomorrow, okay? I promise.

[gasps] Oh, my God! Madison is a dumb bitch.

And I knew you loved me. Now get over here.

[sultry music plays]

[laughing]: Oh, yeah.

[Radiana shudders]

[Zorn giggles, Radiana gasps]

[moaning and shuddering]

ZORN: Stupid Linda.

I mean, if I were in a toxic relationship,

I'm pretty sure there'd be some signs.

[chuckles] Yeah... Oh. Oh, no.

Oh, my beautiful bangs. Okay, okay.

This is probably not a coincidence.

Mm, mm, mm.

I need some butter, because this is a toast.

[both laugh]

I didn't realize we had so many friends

- and co-workers to stare at us. - Yeah, I know.

[both laughing]

[weakly]: Whoa, lost my footing.

[Zorn mumbles]

Whoa, easy, Zorn, you big ole goof, right? [both cackling]

Hey, thanks for having us. We made out on the way over here.

Zorn... you look like Matthew McConaughey

at the end of Dallas Buyers Club. [rattled gasp]

Hey, Mom, have you seen my case of crystal glasses?

- They're missing? - Yeah.

- That's insane! - Okay, I... I'm just gonna...

- you know, look everywhere, so... - Yeah, or let it go.

- You can let it go. Hey! - Hey. You hid his box

- of wine glasses, didn't you? Mm. - I had to.

I'm not gonna let him make a fool of himself in front of Layla.

Yeah, not to mention your Aunt Deb, the queen of heckling is here.

She'd have a field day with this.

- Yeah. - ZORN [strained]: Alangulon!

I need your help.

[Zorn coughs] Uh... Dad?

You look... different.

- Uh-huh. - Uh... your eyebrows are missing.

Yeah, sorry, I haven't seen much of anything

since my left eye went all milky.

- [chuckles] Weird. - RADIANA: Hey, lay off your old man,

I think it makes him look distinguished.

[Radiana chuckling and moaning, Alan groans]

Hey, listen, son, I... you know, I'm a little weak right now.

Um, you know, from the hay fever.

And I just need you to help me to the bathroom,

if you don't mind. Uh, Don't worry,

nothing gross, I just need you to pull out my penises

and point them at the toilet.

[coughing]

Hey, Dad, have you considered the possibility that having

a radioactive girlfriend is making you really sick?

Oh, I've considered it, yeah, and that's definitely what's happening.

Okay, well, you need to break up with her.

- She's bad for you. - Alangulon, I can't break up with her, okay?

- Why not? - Because...

because... everyone's got someone.

All right? I mean, your mother has Craig and you have Layla.

Hell, even Linda's like the ultimate lady's man.

I just didn't want to be the only one to... die alone.

Look, I just got you back in my life,

so I don't want to lose you.

In a bathroom.

Oh, Alangatang. I don't want to lose you either, buddy.

Dad? Dad!

[door rattles] Dad!

Oh, huh, what? [clears throat]

Sorry, I lost consciousness there for a hot sec.

ALAN: Hey, uh, Radiana, uh,

my dad asks if you can see him in the bathroom.

- Mm-hmm. - Wait. Why does he need to see me?

- Uh.... maybe sex? - Oh, you are so lucky

- you have such an erotic father. - Hmm.

Okay, I'll go take care of that and then you and I are hanging out.

I want to hang out with you! [laughs]

I can't find my glasses anywhere.

I don't know what's going on.

Think maybe I can use coffee mugs instead?

I don't know if that'll even work.

I don't understand the physics of this

- whole sound thing. - Yeah, maybe.

I'm going to go, uh, just take my sweater

really quick, it's a little hot,

because of the... nuclear-powered woman.

- Yeah. - Be right back.

Knock knock. Your son said you needed me.

Possibly for bathroom sex.

Radiana, we need to talk.

[over mic] I guess I'm supposed to give a toast to Craig now.

So, here goes. [exhales]

Uh, my friend from yoga set us up on a blind date.

Uh, we went to this Italian place. Uh...

I can't remember the name. Anyway,

the date was kind of, well, awkward.

Uh, and then we started dating.

And then he moved all his stuff in. And here we are.

[woman clears throat]

Thank you.

[scattered applause]

- It was really moving, sweetie. - EDIE: Thanks!

[Craig clears throat]

Bliss Bistro on 14th and Cedar.

That's where my life changed forever.

And it wasn't just because they have the best damn

breadsticks you'd ever want to try in your life.

[laughter]

[chuckles] No.

It's because that's where I met Edie Bennett.

[sniffles]

CRAIG [in distance]: She walked into the restaurant

and all of my loneliness and desperation... walked out.

Fear not for that lonely wanderer.

Fear not for that wretched disgrace.

For he, at last, has found his peace,

- Oh, my God. - in Edie's sweet embrace.

[applause]

Hon, you need to keep talking. Alan found his glasses!

- I know, but I'm done with my speech. - Shh-shh... just keep talking.

Um... So, many of you may not know this,

but I was an amateur impressionist back in the '90s.

- Oh! - Here's a little Joey Lawrence.

"Whoa."

[forced laughter]

- Oh, yes. - Uh, okay, well, uh...

Oh. Here's my belly button's, uh, review

of the movie Gone Girl.

[quietly]: Oh. Oh, my God. Enough.

RADIANA: You can't leave me, I'm pregnant!

No, that's too far. But still, you can't leave me!

[Radiana screaming] Radiana's having a meltdown.

[screaming, sobbing]

Mm, a female villain making accusations of rape.

- Is that something we really need... - Ow! Aunt Deb!

RADIANA: How could you do this to me, Zorn? [yells]

Zorn, you either need a lot more consoling in there,

or we're gonna need a lot more radiation suits out here.

This looks like a job for...

- a therapist. - Wha... Craig, this is insane.

It's too dangerous. You can't go in there.

All therapy is dangerous, Edie, but this is what a hero has got to do.

Plus, I stopped at the kitchen and got these pans

- to protect my testes and my brain. - ALAN: Hey, Craig, Craig! Hey, uh...

before you risk your life, I hate to tell you this,

but, you know, maybe you're not as good

at the whole therapy thing as you think you are?

Oh, really? Why don't you play me a song about it

on some glasses, son? [door opens, closes]

[crying continues] CRAIG: Radiana,

I understand that you're hurting and you're having

- a hard time letting go... - ZORN: Craig.

I take some solace in knowing

that when I die, you'll die a split second later,

knowing you failed.

Okay, Radiana. Let me tell you a little story.

It's the story of a young man who had his heart broken.

He thought that he would never fall in love.

Do you know where that young man is today?

Let me guess. He's at his engagement party.

- The man is you. - No, the man was my friend, Andrew.

And he spent many years alone until, finally,

he took his own life with his service weapon.

ZORN: Oh, my God! You are so bad at this!

RADIANA [sobbing]: Why are you even trying to be a therapist?

Because it's my dream.

- And I know I can do it. - Oh, boy.

Have there been setbacks? Yes.

Has every attempt to help someone ended in abject failure?

Sure. But I know in my heart

that therapy... is my destiny.

Ugh! You moron! Can't you see it'll never work?

Can't you see how pathetic you look, you...

Oh. Oh, my God.

What? Are you having a breakthrough?

Because I've never seen one before and I don't know what to look for.

That's what I'm like.

I'm just some sad lady hanging on to a dream

that will never, ever come true. Just like you.

Okay, that's a little harsh.

- That just totally helped me. - Oh. Okay. Well, cool.

Good-bye, Zorn. I deserve better than you,

and it's time I give that to myself.

I'm going to go to an ashram

near this Mexican restaurant and get centered,

and then get smashed on margaritas. Peace!

[exhales] Oh man. [chuckles]

I did it. I did it!

Hey, Zorn! Zorn, I did, uh...

Zorn's dead!

[ragged inhale]

Hey, Mrs. B., I'm gonna go.

Will you tell Alan I'm sorry I can't hear him play?

Yes. That is too bad. Well, it's good to see you, Layla.

- Yeah. You, too. - Um...

Better get home, your parents are gonna worry

- you died in an accident. - Oh. Okay well, um...

Congratulations. Craig seems like a really amazing guy.

I know, he was quite... the hero tonight.

Yeah! I mean, I-I have no idea who Joey Lawrence is,

but it was so bad it was almost cute.

Um... Okay.

Text your parents. Tell them you haven't been

in a terrible accident. You need to hear Alan play.

Oh. Okay. [chuckles]

So, I know things

got a little crazy there for a bit, but don't worry,

the nuclear meltdown has been averted.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh. You guys didn't know about that. Okay.

Uh, and now, some music from my wonderful son, Alan.

[applause]

[Alan grunts]

[glasses ringing]

- You're not making your pity face. - Yeah, I know.

I'm proud of him. And I'm proud of you.

You helped Zorn tonight, and you helped me.

You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Craig.

I mean, you're just yourself and you don't let people change you.

Maybe jot these down, it might make a nice toast.

[music]

ZORN: Oh man, look at those two loveflargs, huh?

- Screw 'em. - No, I actually mean it. I'm...

- I'm happy for them. - Huh. Look at you.

I mean, sure, yeah, me and Edie had some great times,

but we're different people now.

And seeing her with Craig, and Alangulon

with that narrow-hipped farm wench,

it's like everyone I love has someone they love.

And that gives me hope that I'll find someone, too.

Hey, one day you and I are gonna find the loves of our lives.

Yeah. Sure, of course we will.

Until then, let's go bang those two waiters.

So wait, I get the woman and you get the man?

Or what, we're just gonna flip a coin?

Whatever.

Uh, here's Heather Locklear from Melrose Place

arguing over rent. "Okay, I'll pay it!"

Thank you. Thanks.

So here's my impression of Joe Pesci.

[man snores, snorts]

- "You laughing at me?" Right? - I don't know who that was?

Here's my impression of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

"You got it, dude!"

- MAN: Oh, please... - [chuckles] So, anyways...

- Where y'all from? - Oh!

[horn honking]

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~