All language subtitles for Son Of Zorn S01E10

- You got mail, Dad.
- More mail?

Man, it's like it
comes every day here.

Zephyria's on a raven system,
so you only get mail

once or twice every migration.

- Makes it so much more special, you know?
- ALAN: Uh, I didn't get that. Ooh,

but you did get an invite to
Mom and Craig's engagement party.

Wow, they're really
going through with it, huh?

I have to say, I was pretty sure

your mom would've
come to her senses by now.

Wait, hold on a second here.

It just says Zorn.
There's no "plus one"?

- So?
- So...

so, I mean, what does she
expect me to do?

Just sit at the sad singles table
and get super wasted talking to her

diabetic Aunt Deb, and just go
home to eat curly fries and cry?

Well, I guess I know what
I got to do today.

What, overreact to
an imagined slight?

Don't be silly, Alangulon.

Zorn is going to get his plus one!

[heroic music plays]
[Zorn grunts]

[crash]
[gasping]

[title music]

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

EDIE: I'm so glad we
finally found a use

for your grandmother's
dollhouse furniture collection.

Yeah, me, too.
I wish she was here to see it.

But she's in Tampa.
In her grave.

Wait, what about Alan?
What if he wants to bring that

precious, little, puppy-eyed
friend of his?

- Scott?
- No, I meant Layla.

He's been hanging out with her
a lot lately.

- Mm.
- I love her. She calls me

Mrs. B., like we're
on Happy Days or something.

So, Alangulon gets a plus one,
but I don't, huh?

EDIE: Zorn,
why would you need a plus one?

Because of that, right there!
Your pity look.

I am not gonna go
to that party alone

and get that look all night,
trust me.

Okay, fine. If it means
that much to you, Zorn,

you can have a plus one.

And then, if you can
find a date, that's great,

and if not, it's totally okay.

You're doing it again!
Like I'm some pathetic,

lonely barbarian
who's lighting scented candles

in my housecoat,
as my six cats stare at me

- with tears in their eyes.
- Well, aside from me, have you

- ever even had a real relationship?
- Sure I have.

- Yeah, what about, uh, Katara?
- The mannequin?

She was an enchanted love doll, Edie.
And a great mom.

- Uh, uh, what about Radiana?
- Radiana? Oh, please.

She was crazy,
not to mention the fact

that she was
literally radioactive.

Look, the important thing is:
I'm bringing a date.

And we will both be having whatever
the opposite of the fish course is.

Well, I'm sure you
and your future lady friend

will make a wonderful couple.

But if this
imaginary relationship

runs into a real pothole,
maybe I can be of service.

That's right. Not only am I
an online psychologist,

- I'm doing actual therapy.
- Why are you wearing a cape?

- Well, because a hero doesn't...
- No, thanks. The girl

I find will be perfect and we
won't need any help from you.

- Aw...
- Stop giving me that look!

ZORN: Okay, my mission
is to find a maiden

who is stupid and ugly enough
to have sex with me tonight,

yet smart and beautiful enough

to make me look good
at Edie's party.

Stupid, smart, beautiful, ugly...
those are the boxes to check.

- Now, to meet my she-Zorn.
- Now, to find me a she-Todd.

LINDA: So, which one
of you handsome idiots

wants to get pregnant tonight?

I told you the clubs in Fullerton
Hills were better than L.A.

ZORN [chuckling]:
Hey, what's up, girl?

Gorthar, the witch
doctor of love, called.

Said he needs my heart back.

[chuckling] Ugh...
No, thanks.

[blowing, sniffing]

- Craig, your toast is beautiful.
- Oh, it's just a fifth draft.

Well, now I'm worried
about my toast.

I-I don't like getting all
emotional in front of people.

It's embarrassing
and it's cringe-y.

It's the same feeling I get
when I hear children

being interviewed on the radio.

Can I do something
quick and simple?

- I mean, you know how I feel, right?
- I do, but our closest friends

and work acquaintances don't.
And that's who this party is for.

[bugle playing fanfare]

I'm here to announce
that your present for

the engagement party will
be a song... [bugle plays]

on...
[bugle plays]

the...
[bugle plays]

...glass harp, played by me.

You're welcome. Plus... [chuckling]
Layla's gonna see me harpin' out

- and probably be like, "Wow, pretty cool."
- CRAIG: Can you do covers?

What would "Lady in Red"
sound like on the glass harp?

[whistling indistinctly]

That's fantastic.

Well, I'm sure I speak
for both of us when I say,

- we can't wait.
- Awesome!

That's so great, guys.
Thank you.

As a licensed therapist,
I hope this courtship with

this young lady goes
smoothly, but if it doesn't...

- Wait, why are you wearing a cape?
- Because, Alan,

- a hero doesn't have to...
- Nope. Nope.

I'm gonna practice.

- Why did you say he could do that?
- Was that bad? What?

Well, you know I love Alan
more than anything.

I'm obsessed with him.

So you have to trust me
when I tell you

his music is truly frickin' awful.

I was just pretending to like it
because I love you.

Why does he think he's so good
when he's so bad?

Well, it's my fault.
He sucked at everything

as a kid, so I just constantly
praised him.

I don't want him to embarrass himself

- in front of Layla.
- You know,

it sounds like you
and your son have a lot of

- issues you need to...
- No, thank you.

[softly]: Okay.

[keys jingling]
ZORN: I-I just don't get it.

You know, back in Zephyria,
I could have any girl I wanted!

Any of 'em!

Oh boy, how many doorknobs
are on this door?

Get in there.
[slurring]: Get in there.

[scoffs]

Hey, I'll show 'em
who's got a hot date.

Literally, the hottest date I know!

[poof]
[romantic music]

- Hello, Zorn.
- Radiana.

- You look great.
- Aw, that's nice of you.

I feel fat.

[moaning]
[laughs]

[both moaning]

[Radiana laughing]

ZORN: Mmm, I forgot
what a great kisser I am.

Oh, hey, Edie.
Didn't realize you were there,

just staring at us making out.
That's weird.

[chuckling]: Just thought I'd stop
by with my super sexy plus one.

- Uh, hello, Radiana.
- Oh, Edie. You look older.

It must be all that time and aging.

Well, not everyone can have
a thousand year half-life.

Or an ass like a teenage
Rob Lowe. Hey!

- [groaning]: Okay.
- ZORN: Oh, and that's Craig,

the gentleman that'll be
marrying my sloppy seconds.

I like to think of it as recycling.
[chuckling]

Hi.

[glass harp playing off-key]

[groaning]
What... What's that sound?

EDIE: That's Alan practicing
his glass harp. That music?

That's the music that plays
inside a serial killer's head.

Ooh, yeah, your son sucks.

Can I get you guys
something to drink?

Uh, just, uh, give me
one second, babe.

[whispering]:
So, Radiana is the best, right?

I mean, she's hot, funny,
she can turn a normal tub

into a hot tub just by sitting
in it, so that's a plus.

- Zorn, she's completely unstable.
- Yeah, I mean

maybe she was
completely unstable.

- But she's totally changed, probably.
- EDIE: Look, just because

you might be a little
jealous of me and Craig,

doesn't mean you
should get back into

an unhealthy relationship
just to be with someone.

But Edie, you know,
I think she's really, like...

Why are you whispering?
I can't hear what you're saying.

RADIANA: Oh, hey,
sorry to interrupt.

Zorn, do you mind showing
me where the bathroom is?

Hey! Next time
you want to flirt with an ex,

- you can flirt with me!
- Oh, whoa, what are you saying?

Because I'm gonna
break up with you

[electrical crackling]
if you flirt with Edie again,

so then I'll be the ex
you can flirt with!

- What don't you get?
- No, no, no, no,

Radiana, please, baby,
baby, just listen,

- hold on, hold on...
- Oh my God, you're right,

I'm doing it again.
What is wrong with me?

Like, I've tried to talk to
people about this jealousy stuff

and they always say it stems from
my relationship with my sister?

But I don't know what to do
because that, like,

- that goes deep.
- No, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry.

I'll never look at another
girl again, I promise.

Uh ,look, here,
you don't believe me?

- Look, I'll stab my eyes out.
- No!

How will I get lost in your eyes
if you stab them out, baby?

[moans]
[laughing]: Oh, yeah.

[rumbling, Zorn laughing]

ZORN [muffled]:
Stop it. Oh.

- Oh, no, no.
- Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, that's just rude.

ZORN: Sorry about that, guys.
We were just, uh...

yeah, we just had sex.
[coughs]

[sizzle, Zorn clears throat]

- It's just allergies.
- CRAIG: Mm. Well, it is the season.

[music]
[Zorn coughing]

LINDA: Zorn, you need to go home.

Oh, hey, Linda! Oh, no, don't
worry, it's just some hay fever.

Got back together
with my ex, Radiana.

She's the best. I mean,
sure, there's a lot of drama

and then she cries radioactive
tears and melts all the walls,

but somehow, it just...
yeah, I mean...

it just... yeah, you know,
it works. [chuckles]

Are you sure this relationship

- is the healthiest thing for you?
- Oh, shut up, we're soul mates!

Oh, my God, she said the
funniest thing the other day.

Actually, you know,
I-I didn't even get it.

And-and then I was like,
"Well, that's not funny,"

and then she started
crying because

she thought I didn't think
she was funny, and I was like,

"No, no, no, you're funny.
You-you don't say funny things,

but you always get what's funny,
you know? I love you."

And then we were like,
you know, like...

[Zorn growling and barking]
Uh-huh.

I-I get it. I get it.
[Zorn imitates sheep bleating]

Hey, I was in a relationship
just like that.

It's called a toxic... [coughing]
Ah...

- Oh.
- Linda, you better not be getting me sick.

Okay?
[laughs]

[off-key notes on glass,
knock at door] Knock knock.

- Stop it!
- Hey, Mom, what's up?

Alan,
what if someone you care about

was really, really
bad at something,

but you know they love doing it?

Would you tell that person

so they wouldn't
embarrass themselves

- in front of everybody?
- I get it. I-I get it.

- You do?
- Yeah, I mean, Mom, we know Craig

isn't the best therapist, but
you can't just tell him that.

- I... can't?
- Maybe... you know what?

There's a way you could, like,
sneakily keep him from doing it?

Or... what if you just told him

he was way better
at something else, right?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Yes!
That's good.

- Cool.
- Oh, hey, you are very persuasive.

Have you ever thought about

- joining the debate team?
- Nope.

[music]

Radiana, sweetie,
i-is that your toothbrush?

Well, I figured since
I'm staying over so much,

might as well keep it here, right?
Also, my other stuff.

- Also... me.
- You want to move in together, huh?

What a great idea.
It feels right.

Doesn't it just feel right?

Getting a dog.
Meeting your parents.

Combining our bank accounts.

Having twin girls named
Aquafina and Dasani.

- Holding your hand while you die.
- Uh, yeah, yeah, but, I mean,

don't you think we might be
moving a little fast? I...

Oh, I knew it!
You never loved me!

Madison was right.
You'll never settle down!

- And you think I'm fat!
- What?

No, don't listen to Madison,
she's a nut job. [Radiana sobs]

Look, I'll make you a key
tomorrow, okay? I promise.

[gasps] Oh, my God!
Madison is a dumb bitch.

And I knew you loved me.
Now get over here.

[sultry music plays]

[laughing]: Oh, yeah.

[Radiana shudders]

[Zorn giggles, Radiana gasps]

[moaning and shuddering]

ZORN: Stupid Linda.

I mean, if I were in
a toxic relationship,

I'm pretty sure
there'd be some signs.

[chuckles] Yeah...
Oh. Oh, no.

Oh, my beautiful bangs.
Okay, okay.

This is probably not a coincidence.

Mm, mm, mm.

I need some butter,
because this is a toast.

[both laugh]

I didn't realize we had
so many friends

- and co-workers to stare at us.
- Yeah, I know.

[both laughing]

[weakly]: Whoa, lost my footing.

[Zorn mumbles]

Whoa, easy, Zorn, you big ole
goof, right? [both cackling]

Hey, thanks for having us. We
made out on the way over here.

Zorn... you look like
Matthew McConaughey

at the end of Dallas
Buyers Club. [rattled gasp]

Hey, Mom, have you seen
my case of crystal glasses?

- They're missing?
- Yeah.

- That's insane!
- Okay, I... I'm just gonna...

- you know, look everywhere, so...
- Yeah, or let it go.

- You can let it go. Hey!
- Hey. You hid his box

- of wine glasses, didn't you? Mm.
- I had to.

I'm not gonna let him make a
fool of himself in front of Layla.

Yeah, not to mention your Aunt
Deb, the queen of heckling is here.

She'd have a field day with this.

- Yeah.
- ZORN [strained]: Alangulon!

I need your help.

[Zorn coughs]
Uh... Dad?

You look... different.

- Uh-huh.
- Uh... your eyebrows are missing.

Yeah, sorry, I haven't
seen much of anything

since my left eye went all milky.

- [chuckles] Weird.
- RADIANA: Hey, lay off your old man,

I think it makes him
look distinguished.

[Radiana chuckling and moaning,
Alan groans]

Hey, listen, son, I... you know,
I'm a little weak right now.

Um, you know, from the hay fever.

And I just need you
to help me to the bathroom,

if you don't mind.
Uh, Don't worry,

nothing gross, I just need
you to pull out my penises

and point them at the toilet.

[coughing]

Hey, Dad, have you considered
the possibility that having

a radioactive girlfriend
is making you really sick?

Oh, I've considered it, yeah, and
that's definitely what's happening.

Okay, well, you need to
break up with her.

- She's bad for you.
- Alangulon, I can't break up with her, okay?

- Why not?
- Because...

because...
everyone's got someone.

All right? I mean, your mother
has Craig and you have Layla.

Hell, even Linda's like
the ultimate lady's man.

I just didn't want to be
the only one to... die alone.

Look, I just got you back
in my life,

so I don't want to lose you.

In a bathroom.

Oh, Alangatang. I don't want
to lose you either, buddy.

Dad?
Dad!

[door rattles]
Dad!

Oh, huh, what?
[clears throat]

Sorry, I lost consciousness
there for a hot sec.

ALAN: Hey, uh, Radiana, uh,

my dad asks if you can see him
in the bathroom.

- Mm-hmm.
- Wait. Why does he need to see me?

- Uh.... maybe sex?
- Oh, you are so lucky

- you have such an erotic father.
- Hmm.

Okay, I'll go take care of that
and then you and I are hanging out.

I want to hang out with you!
[laughs]

I can't find
my glasses anywhere.

I don't know what's going on.

Think maybe I can use
coffee mugs instead?

I don't know if that'll even work.

I don't understand
the physics of this

- whole sound thing.
- Yeah, maybe.

I'm going to go, uh,
just take my sweater

really quick, it's a little hot,

because of the...
nuclear-powered woman.

- Yeah.
- Be right back.

Knock knock.
Your son said you needed me.

Possibly for bathroom sex.

Radiana, we need to talk.

[over mic] I guess I'm supposed to
give a toast to Craig now.

So, here goes.
[exhales]

Uh, my friend from
yoga set us up on a blind date.

Uh, we went to this Italian place. Uh...

I can't remember the name.
Anyway,

the date was kind of,
well, awkward.

Uh, and then we started dating.

And then he moved all his
stuff in. And here we are.

[woman clears throat]

Thank you.

[scattered applause]

- It was really moving, sweetie.
- EDIE: Thanks!

[Craig clears throat]

Bliss Bistro on 14th and Cedar.

That's where my life
changed forever.

And it wasn't just because
they have the best damn

breadsticks you'd ever
want to try in your life.

[laughter]

[chuckles]
No.

It's because that's
where I met Edie Bennett.

[sniffles]

CRAIG [in distance]:
She walked into the restaurant

and all of my loneliness and
desperation... walked out.

Fear not
for that lonely wanderer.

Fear not
for that wretched disgrace.

For he, at last,
has found his peace,

- Oh, my God.
- in Edie's sweet embrace.

[applause]

Hon, you need to keep talking.
Alan found his glasses!

- I know, but I'm done with my speech.
- Shh-shh... just keep talking.

Um... So, many of you
may not know this,

but I was an amateur
impressionist back in the '90s.

- Oh!
- Here's a little Joey Lawrence.

"Whoa."

[forced laughter]

- Oh, yes.
- Uh, okay, well, uh...

Oh. Here's my belly button's,
uh, review

of the movie Gone Girl.

[quietly]: Oh.
Oh, my God. Enough.

RADIANA: You can't leave me,
I'm pregnant!

No, that's too far. But still,
you can't leave me!

[Radiana screaming]
Radiana's having a meltdown.

[screaming, sobbing]

Mm, a female villain making
accusations of rape.

- Is that something we really need...
- Ow! Aunt Deb!

RADIANA: How could you do this
to me, Zorn? [yells]

Zorn, you either need
a lot more consoling in there,

or we're gonna need a lot more
radiation suits out here.

This looks like a job for...

- a therapist.
- Wha... Craig, this is insane.

It's too dangerous.
You can't go in there.

All therapy is dangerous, Edie, but
this is what a hero has got to do.

Plus, I stopped at the kitchen
and got these pans

- to protect my testes and my brain.
- ALAN: Hey, Craig, Craig! Hey, uh...

before you risk your life,
I hate to tell you this,

but, you know,
maybe you're not as good

at the whole therapy thing
as you think you are?

Oh, really? Why don't
you play me a song about it

on some glasses, son?
[door opens, closes]

[crying continues]
CRAIG: Radiana,

I understand that you're hurting
and you're having

- a hard time letting go...
- ZORN: Craig.

I take some
solace in knowing

that when I die, you'll die
a split second later,

knowing you failed.

Okay, Radiana.
Let me tell you a little story.

It's the story of a young man
who had his heart broken.

He thought that he would
never fall in love.

Do you know where
that young man is today?

Let me guess.
He's at his engagement party.

- The man is you.
- No, the man was my friend, Andrew.

And he spent many years alone
until, finally,

he took his own life
with his service weapon.

ZORN: Oh, my God!
You are so bad at this!

RADIANA [sobbing]: Why are you even
trying to be a therapist?

Because it's my dream.

- And I know I can do it.
- Oh, boy.

Have there been setbacks?
Yes.

Has every attempt to help
someone ended in abject failure?

Sure.
But I know in my heart

that therapy... is my destiny.

Ugh! You moron!
Can't you see it'll never work?

Can't you see how
pathetic you look, you...

Oh. Oh, my God.

What? Are you having a
breakthrough?

Because I've never seen one before
and I don't know what to look for.

That's what I'm like.

I'm just some sad lady
hanging on to a dream

that will never, ever come true.
Just like you.

Okay, that's a little harsh.

- That just totally helped me.
- Oh. Okay. Well, cool.

Good-bye, Zorn.
I deserve better than you,

and it's time
I give that to myself.

I'm going to go
to an ashram

near this Mexican restaurant
and get centered,

and then get smashed
on margaritas. Peace!

[exhales] Oh man.
[chuckles]

I did it. I did it!

Hey, Zorn! Zorn, I did, uh...

Zorn's dead!

[ragged inhale]

Hey, Mrs. B., I'm gonna go.

Will you tell Alan I'm sorry
I can't hear him play?

Yes. That is too bad.
Well, it's good to see you, Layla.

- Yeah. You, too.
- Um...

Better get home,
your parents are gonna worry

- you died in an accident.
- Oh. Okay well, um...

Congratulations. Craig seems
like a really amazing guy.

I know, he was quite...
the hero tonight.

Yeah! I mean, I-I have no
idea who Joey Lawrence is,

but it was so bad
it was almost cute.

Um... Okay.

Text your parents.
Tell them you haven't been

in a terrible accident.
You need to hear Alan play.

Oh. Okay.
[chuckles]

So, I know things

got a little crazy there
for a bit, but don't worry,

the nuclear meltdown
has been averted.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh. You guys didn't know
about that. Okay.

Uh, and now, some music
from my wonderful son, Alan.

[applause]

[Alan grunts]

[glasses ringing]

- You're not making your pity face.
- Yeah, I know.

I'm proud of him.
And I'm proud of you.

You helped Zorn tonight,
and you helped me.

You're the best thing that
ever happened to me, Craig.

I mean, you're just yourself and
you don't let people change you.

Maybe jot these down,
it might make a nice toast.

[music]

ZORN: Oh man, look at
those two loveflargs, huh?

- Screw 'em.
- No, I actually mean it. I'm...

- I'm happy for them.
- Huh. Look at you.

I mean, sure, yeah, me and
Edie had some great times,

but we're different people now.

And seeing her with Craig,
and Alangulon

with that narrow-hipped
farm wench,

it's like everyone I love
has someone they love.

And that gives me hope
that I'll find someone, too.

Hey, one day you and I are gonna
find the loves of our lives.

Yeah.
Sure, of course we will.

Until then, let's go
bang those two waiters.

So wait, I get the woman
and you get the man?

Or what,
we're just gonna flip a coin?

Whatever.

Uh, here's Heather Locklear
from Melrose Place

arguing over rent.
"Okay, I'll pay it!"

Thank you. Thanks.

So here's my impression
of Joe Pesci.

[man snores, snorts]

- "You laughing at me?" Right?
- I don't know who that was?

Here's my impression
of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

"You got it, dude!"

- MAN: Oh, please...
- [chuckles] So, anyways...

- Where y'all from?
- Oh!

[horn honking]

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~