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00:00:06,461 --> 00:00:09,061
[ominous music]
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00:00:10,701 --> 00:00:12,981
[high-pitched static]
3
00:00:13,021 --> 00:00:15,021
[woman narrating]
Current theories on the
creation of the universe state
4
00:00:15,101 --> 00:00:18,301
that if it were created
at all and didn't just start,
5
00:00:18,381 --> 00:00:19,901
as it were, unofficially,
6
00:00:19,981 --> 00:00:23,461
it came into being about
14 billion years ago.
7
00:00:23,541 --> 00:00:25,061
The Earth is generally
supposed to be
8
00:00:25,181 --> 00:00:27,581
about 4 1/2 billion
years old.
9
00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:29,861
These dates are incorrect.
10
00:00:29,941 --> 00:00:34,021
Some medieval scholars
put the date of the creation
at 3760 BC.
11
00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:35,621
[beeping]
12
00:00:35,701 --> 00:00:39,381
Others put creation
as far back as 5508 BC.
13
00:00:39,461 --> 00:00:41,541
Also, incorrect.
14
00:00:41,621 --> 00:00:43,101
Archbishop James Ussher
15
00:00:43,141 --> 00:00:44,981
claimed that the Heaven
and the Earth
16
00:00:45,061 --> 00:00:48,741
were created on Sunday,
the 21st of October, 4004 BC,
17
00:00:48,821 --> 00:00:50,941
-at 9:00 a.m.
-[bell dings]
18
00:00:51,021 --> 00:00:52,621
This too was incorrect,
19
00:00:52,701 --> 00:00:55,461
by almost a quarter
of an hour.
20
00:00:55,541 --> 00:00:58,301
It was created at 9:13
in the morning.
21
00:00:58,381 --> 00:01:00,461
Which was correct.
22
00:01:00,541 --> 00:01:03,861
The whole business with
the fossilised
dinosaur skeletons
23
00:01:03,941 --> 00:01:07,181
was a joke the palaeontologists
haven't seen yet.
24
00:01:07,261 --> 00:01:09,061
This proves two things.
25
00:01:09,141 --> 00:01:13,141
Firstly, that God does not
play dice with the universe.
26
00:01:13,221 --> 00:01:15,941
I play an ineffable game
of my own devising.
27
00:01:16,061 --> 00:01:18,221
For everyone else,
it's like playing poker
28
00:01:18,301 --> 00:01:20,381
in a pitch-dark room,
for infinite stakes,
29
00:01:20,461 --> 00:01:22,541
with a dealer who won't
tell you the rules,
30
00:01:22,581 --> 00:01:24,141
and who smiles all the time.
31
00:01:24,221 --> 00:01:28,061
Secondly,
the Earth is a Libra.
32
00:01:29,981 --> 00:01:33,141
The entry for Libra
in The Tadfield Advertiser
33
00:01:33,221 --> 00:01:36,461
on the night our history
begins reads as follows:
34
00:01:36,541 --> 00:01:37,781
"You may be feeling rundown
35
00:01:37,861 --> 00:01:40,741
and always
in the same daily round.
36
00:01:40,821 --> 00:01:42,701
A friend is important to you.
37
00:01:42,781 --> 00:01:45,461
You may be vulnerable
to a stomach upset today,
38
00:01:45,541 --> 00:01:47,861
so avoid salads.
39
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:51,261
Help could come from
an unexpected quarter."
40
00:01:51,341 --> 00:01:53,581
This was perfectly correct
on every count,
41
00:01:53,661 --> 00:01:56,661
except for the bit
about the salads.
42
00:01:57,941 --> 00:01:59,621
To understand the true
significance
43
00:01:59,701 --> 00:02:00,981
of what that means,
44
00:02:01,061 --> 00:02:02,781
we need to begin earlier.
45
00:02:02,861 --> 00:02:06,181
A little more than 6,000 years
earlier, to be precise.
46
00:02:06,261 --> 00:02:08,341
Just after the beginning.
47
00:02:08,421 --> 00:02:12,461
It starts, as it will end,
with a garden.
48
00:02:12,541 --> 00:02:15,781
In this case,
the Garden of Eden.
49
00:02:15,861 --> 00:02:17,901
And with an apple.
50
00:02:24,621 --> 00:02:27,141
[rumbling]
51
00:02:30,981 --> 00:02:32,341
[hissing] Go on.
52
00:02:32,421 --> 00:02:34,421
[whispering]
This apple will give you...
53
00:02:34,461 --> 00:02:38,581
[indistinct, ominous whispering]
54
00:03:07,141 --> 00:03:08,461
[God] It was a nice day.
55
00:03:08,541 --> 00:03:10,341
All the days had been nice.
56
00:03:10,421 --> 00:03:12,821
There had been rather
more than seven of them so far,
57
00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:15,701
and rain hadn't
been invented yet.
58
00:03:15,781 --> 00:03:17,701
But the storm clouds
gathering east of Eden
59
00:03:17,781 --> 00:03:20,301
suggested that the first
thunderstorm was on its way.
60
00:03:20,381 --> 00:03:23,101
And it was going
to be a big one.
61
00:03:30,701 --> 00:03:32,261
Well, that went down
like a lead balloon.
62
00:03:32,341 --> 00:03:33,901
[chuckles]
63
00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:36,061
Sorry, what was that?
64
00:03:36,141 --> 00:03:39,301
I said, "Well, that went down
like a lead balloon."
65
00:03:39,381 --> 00:03:43,421
Yes, yes, it did, rather.
66
00:03:43,501 --> 00:03:46,141
Bit of an overreaction,
if you ask me.
67
00:03:46,221 --> 00:03:47,701
First offence
and everything.
68
00:03:50,741 --> 00:03:52,501
I can't see what's so bad
69
00:03:52,581 --> 00:03:55,181
about knowing the difference
between good and evil anyway.
70
00:03:56,101 --> 00:03:58,741
Well, it must be bad...
71
00:03:58,821 --> 00:04:00,781
-Crawley.
-...Crawley.
72
00:04:01,981 --> 00:04:03,341
Otherwise...
73
00:04:03,421 --> 00:04:05,701
you wouldn't have
tempted them into it.
74
00:04:05,781 --> 00:04:09,061
Oh, they just said, "Get up
there and make some trouble."
75
00:04:09,141 --> 00:04:10,781
Well, obviously.
You're a demon.
76
00:04:10,861 --> 00:04:12,381
It's what you do.
77
00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:15,341
Not very subtle
of the Almighty, though.
78
00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:16,741
Fruit tree in the middle
of a garden
79
00:04:16,821 --> 00:04:18,501
with a "Don't Touch" sign.
80
00:04:18,581 --> 00:04:20,821
I mean, why not put it
on the top of a high mountain?
81
00:04:20,901 --> 00:04:23,661
Or on the moon?
82
00:04:23,741 --> 00:04:26,221
Makes you wonder
what God's really planning.
83
00:04:26,261 --> 00:04:27,701
Best not to speculate.
84
00:04:27,781 --> 00:04:29,941
It's all part
of the Great Plan.
85
00:04:30,021 --> 00:04:32,381
It's not for us
to understand.
86
00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:35,821
It's ineffable.
87
00:04:35,941 --> 00:04:37,941
The Great Plan's ineffable?
88
00:04:38,061 --> 00:04:39,261
Exactly.
89
00:04:39,341 --> 00:04:41,261
It is beyond understanding
90
00:04:41,341 --> 00:04:44,381
and incapable of being put
into words.
91
00:04:44,501 --> 00:04:47,461
Didn't you have
a flaming sword?
92
00:04:47,541 --> 00:04:49,701
-Uh...
-You did. It was
flaming like anything.
93
00:04:49,781 --> 00:04:51,101
What happened to it?
94
00:04:51,181 --> 00:04:52,821
Uh...
95
00:04:52,901 --> 00:04:55,061
Lost it already, have you?
96
00:04:55,141 --> 00:04:56,901
-Gave it away.
-You what?
97
00:04:56,941 --> 00:04:58,661
I gave it away.
98
00:04:58,741 --> 00:05:00,581
There are vicious animals.
99
00:05:00,661 --> 00:05:03,581
It's going to be cold out there.
And she's expecting already.
100
00:05:03,661 --> 00:05:05,941
And I said, "Here you go.
Flaming sword. Don't thank me.
101
00:05:06,021 --> 00:05:08,701
And don't let the sun
go down on you here."
102
00:05:10,061 --> 00:05:12,581
I do hope I didn't do
the wrong thing.
103
00:05:12,661 --> 00:05:14,221
Oh, you're an angel.
104
00:05:14,261 --> 00:05:16,501
I don't think you can
do the wrong thing.
105
00:05:16,581 --> 00:05:18,381
Oh, oh, thank--
106
00:05:18,461 --> 00:05:20,021
Oh, thank you.
107
00:05:20,101 --> 00:05:23,541
-It's been bothering me.
-[lion roars]
108
00:05:23,621 --> 00:05:26,141
[Crowley]
I've been worrying, too.
109
00:05:26,221 --> 00:05:27,701
What if I did
the right thing
110
00:05:27,781 --> 00:05:30,541
with the whole
"eat the apple" business?
111
00:05:30,621 --> 00:05:31,661
A demon can get
into a lot of trouble
112
00:05:31,741 --> 00:05:33,341
for doing the right thing.
113
00:05:33,421 --> 00:05:34,381
[roaring]
114
00:05:34,461 --> 00:05:36,741
[meaty blow]
115
00:05:36,821 --> 00:05:38,381
It'd be funny if we both
got it wrong, eh?
116
00:05:38,461 --> 00:05:40,981
If I did the good thing
and you did the bad one.
117
00:05:41,061 --> 00:05:43,541
[both chuckle]
118
00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:46,021
No.
119
00:05:46,101 --> 00:05:48,021
It wouldn't
be funny at all.
120
00:05:48,101 --> 00:05:49,781
Well...
121
00:05:49,861 --> 00:05:51,701
[rain pattering]
122
00:05:51,781 --> 00:05:55,181
[God] Good Omens, being
a narrative of certain events
123
00:05:55,261 --> 00:05:57,781
occurring in the last 11 years
of human history,
124
00:05:57,861 --> 00:06:00,101
in strict accordance,
as shall be shown,
125
00:06:00,181 --> 00:06:02,581
with The Nice
and Accurate Prophecies
126
00:06:02,661 --> 00:06:04,221
of Agnes Nutter, Witch.
127
00:06:04,301 --> 00:06:06,181
[theme music plays]
128
00:07:33,381 --> 00:07:35,941
[God] It wasn't a dark
and stormy night.
129
00:07:36,021 --> 00:07:37,901
But, don't let the weather
fool you.
130
00:07:37,981 --> 00:07:39,741
Just because it's a mild night
131
00:07:39,821 --> 00:07:42,181
doesn't mean that the forces
of evil aren't abroad.
132
00:07:42,261 --> 00:07:43,301
They are.
133
00:07:43,381 --> 00:07:45,461
They are everywhere.
134
00:07:45,541 --> 00:07:48,541
[rumbling]
135
00:08:03,461 --> 00:08:06,301
Two demons lurk
at the edge of the graveyard.
136
00:08:06,381 --> 00:08:08,221
They are pacing themselves,
137
00:08:08,301 --> 00:08:10,901
and can lurk for the rest
of the night, if necessary.
138
00:08:10,981 --> 00:08:13,141
With still enough
sullen menace left
139
00:08:13,221 --> 00:08:16,541
for a final burst
of lurking around dawn.
140
00:08:22,421 --> 00:08:24,141
Bugger this for a lark.
141
00:08:24,221 --> 00:08:27,381
He should have been
waiting for us.
142
00:08:27,461 --> 00:08:28,621
Do you trust him?
143
00:08:29,701 --> 00:08:31,781
-Nope.
-Good.
144
00:08:31,861 --> 00:08:34,101
It'd be a funny old world
if demons went around
145
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,621
trusting each other.
146
00:08:35,701 --> 00:08:38,541
What's he calling himself
up here these days?
147
00:08:39,421 --> 00:08:40,901
Crowley.
148
00:08:40,981 --> 00:08:42,421
["Bohemian Rhapsody" by
Queen plays on car radio]
149
00:08:42,501 --> 00:08:43,741
♪♪ Oh, mama mia
Mama mia ♪♪
150
00:08:43,781 --> 00:08:45,221
♪♪ Mama mia, let me go ♪♪
151
00:08:45,301 --> 00:08:47,221
♪♪ Beelzebub... ♪♪
152
00:08:47,301 --> 00:08:50,381
Here he comes now,
the flash bastard.
153
00:08:50,461 --> 00:08:53,661
♪♪ For me, for me ♪♪
154
00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:55,541
If you ask me,
he's been up here too long.
155
00:08:55,621 --> 00:08:59,221
Gone native.
Enjoying himself too much.
156
00:08:59,301 --> 00:09:02,021
Wearing sunglasses,
even when he doesn't need them.
157
00:09:02,101 --> 00:09:04,661
-All hail Satan.
-[Ligur] All hail Satan.
158
00:09:04,741 --> 00:09:06,861
Uh, hi, guys.
Sorry I'm late,
159
00:09:06,901 --> 00:09:08,781
but you know how it
is on the A40 at Denham.
160
00:09:08,901 --> 00:09:10,621
I tried to cut up
towards Chorleywood--
161
00:09:10,661 --> 00:09:13,781
Now that we art all here, let us
recount the deeds of the day.
162
00:09:13,861 --> 00:09:15,341
Of course.
163
00:09:15,421 --> 00:09:16,741
Deeds, yeah.
164
00:09:16,781 --> 00:09:18,301
[Hastur]
I have tempted a priest.
165
00:09:18,381 --> 00:09:19,741
As he walked down the street,
166
00:09:19,781 --> 00:09:21,461
he saw all the pretty girls
in the sun.
167
00:09:21,541 --> 00:09:23,301
I put doubt into his mind.
168
00:09:23,381 --> 00:09:24,781
He would have been
a saint.
169
00:09:24,861 --> 00:09:27,381
Now, within a decade,
we shall have him.
170
00:09:27,461 --> 00:09:29,101
[chuckles]
171
00:09:29,181 --> 00:09:30,541
Yeah, nice one.
172
00:09:30,661 --> 00:09:32,741
[Ligur]
I have corrupted a politician.
173
00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:37,061
Let him think that a tiny bribe
wouldn't hurt.
174
00:09:37,141 --> 00:09:40,141
Within a year,
we shall have him.
175
00:09:40,221 --> 00:09:41,981
Right, you'll like this.
176
00:09:42,061 --> 00:09:46,541
I brought down every London area
mobile phone network tonight.
177
00:09:50,661 --> 00:09:52,901
-Yeah?
-Yeah. It wasn't easy--
178
00:09:52,981 --> 00:09:55,661
And what exactly has that done
to secure souls for our master?
179
00:09:55,741 --> 00:09:57,021
Oh, come on,
think about it.
180
00:09:57,101 --> 00:09:59,541
[laughs] Fifteen million
pissed-off people
181
00:09:59,661 --> 00:10:00,901
who take it out
on each other.
182
00:10:01,021 --> 00:10:04,621
It's not exactly...
craftsmanship.
183
00:10:04,661 --> 00:10:06,461
Well, head office
don't seem to mind.
184
00:10:06,541 --> 00:10:08,421
They love me down there, guys.
185
00:10:08,501 --> 00:10:11,541
Times are changing. So...
186
00:10:11,621 --> 00:10:13,221
[sniffs] ...what's up?
187
00:10:13,301 --> 00:10:15,141
This is.
188
00:10:18,021 --> 00:10:18,981
No.
189
00:10:19,061 --> 00:10:20,981
Yes.
190
00:10:23,741 --> 00:10:25,141
Already?
191
00:10:27,381 --> 00:10:29,741
Yes.
192
00:10:29,781 --> 00:10:31,301
And it's up to me to...?
193
00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:33,461
[both] Yes.
194
00:10:35,541 --> 00:10:36,621
You know, listen, it...
195
00:10:36,661 --> 00:10:37,901
[stammers]
196
00:10:38,021 --> 00:10:39,181
...really isn't my scene.
197
00:10:39,261 --> 00:10:41,421
Your scene.
198
00:10:41,501 --> 00:10:43,461
Your starring role.
199
00:10:44,541 --> 00:10:45,741
Take it.
200
00:10:45,781 --> 00:10:47,621
[Hastur]
Like you said,
201
00:10:47,661 --> 00:10:49,421
times are changing.
202
00:10:49,501 --> 00:10:51,661
They come to an end,
for a start.
203
00:10:51,781 --> 00:10:53,021
Why me?
204
00:10:53,101 --> 00:10:54,981
Well, they love you
down there.
205
00:10:55,061 --> 00:10:56,621
And what an opportunity.
206
00:10:56,661 --> 00:11:00,341
Ligur here would give
his right arm to be you tonight.
207
00:11:00,421 --> 00:11:03,381
Or someone's right arm, anyway.
208
00:11:03,461 --> 00:11:04,821
[Hastur] Sign here.
209
00:11:07,581 --> 00:11:09,701
[sizzling]
210
00:11:12,821 --> 00:11:14,421
Now what?
211
00:11:14,501 --> 00:11:17,141
[Hastur]
You will receive
your instructions.
212
00:11:17,221 --> 00:11:18,941
And why so glum?
213
00:11:19,021 --> 00:11:21,581
The moment we have been
working for all these centuries
214
00:11:21,661 --> 00:11:22,821
is at hand.
215
00:11:22,901 --> 00:11:24,261
Centuries?
216
00:11:24,341 --> 00:11:27,221
Our moment of
eternal triumph awaits.
217
00:11:27,301 --> 00:11:28,821
Triumph.
218
00:11:28,901 --> 00:11:32,501
And you will be a tool
of that glorious destiny.
219
00:11:32,581 --> 00:11:34,901
Glorious tool. Yeah.
220
00:11:36,101 --> 00:11:37,101
OK.
221
00:11:37,181 --> 00:11:39,821
I'll, um, be off then.
222
00:11:39,901 --> 00:11:41,421
Get it over with.
223
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,021
No, I want to get it over with,
obviously, but,
224
00:11:43,101 --> 00:11:44,821
I'll be popping along.
225
00:11:44,901 --> 00:11:47,821
Great. Fine. Yeah.
226
00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:54,261
Ciao!
227
00:11:54,341 --> 00:11:55,661
[Ligur]
What's that mean?
228
00:11:55,741 --> 00:11:58,581
"Ciao", it's Italian.
229
00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:00,341
It means "food".
230
00:12:00,421 --> 00:12:03,061
-[door closes]
-[engine starts]
231
00:12:03,141 --> 00:12:06,741
[God] Crowley was all in favour
of Armageddon in general terms.
232
00:12:06,821 --> 00:12:08,981
But it was one thing to work
to bring it about,
233
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:11,941
and quite another
for it to actually happen.
234
00:12:12,021 --> 00:12:13,341
-Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit! Shit!
-[DJ on radio] When Queen
235
00:12:13,421 --> 00:12:14,581
released "Bohemian Rhapsody"...
236
00:12:14,661 --> 00:12:16,021
Shit, shit, shit! Why me?
237
00:12:16,101 --> 00:12:17,941
...in 1975, it was because--
238
00:12:18,021 --> 00:12:20,661
[Satan's voice on radio]
You earned it,
Crowley, didn't you?
239
00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:25,181
What you did to the M25
was a stroke of demonic
genius, darling.
240
00:12:25,261 --> 00:12:27,261
The M25? Yeah, well...
241
00:12:27,341 --> 00:12:29,221
Yeah, I'm glad it went down
so well.
242
00:12:29,301 --> 00:12:30,701
Here are your instructions.
243
00:12:30,781 --> 00:12:32,981
This is the big one, Crowley.
244
00:12:33,061 --> 00:12:34,981
♪♪ I see a little
silhouetto of a man ♪♪
245
00:12:35,061 --> 00:12:37,181
♪♪ Scaramouche
Scaramouche ♪♪
246
00:12:37,261 --> 00:12:39,381
-♪♪ Will you do
the Fandango? ♪♪
-[truck horn honking]
247
00:12:39,461 --> 00:12:42,061
♪♪ Thunderbolts and lightning
very, very frightening me ♪♪
248
00:12:42,141 --> 00:12:44,141
[tires screech]
249
00:12:44,221 --> 00:12:45,661
-♪♪ Galileo ♪♪
-♪♪ Galileo ♪♪
250
00:12:45,741 --> 00:12:49,661
-[cries]
- ♪♪ Figaro magnifico ♪♪
251
00:12:49,741 --> 00:12:53,101
[sushi chef speaking Japanese]
252
00:12:56,301 --> 00:12:59,861
[in Japanese]
253
00:13:04,941 --> 00:13:06,861
Mmm.
254
00:13:06,941 --> 00:13:08,421
[feedback squeals]
255
00:13:10,741 --> 00:13:12,301
-Mind if I join you?
-Gabriel?
256
00:13:12,381 --> 00:13:14,661
What an unexpected
pleasure.
257
00:13:14,741 --> 00:13:15,901
It's been...
258
00:13:15,981 --> 00:13:18,061
Quite a while, yes.
259
00:13:19,781 --> 00:13:22,061
Why do you
consume that?
260
00:13:22,141 --> 00:13:23,741
You're an angel.
261
00:13:23,821 --> 00:13:25,301
It's sushi.
262
00:13:25,381 --> 00:13:26,581
It's nice.
263
00:13:26,661 --> 00:13:28,821
You dip it in soy sauce.
264
00:13:28,901 --> 00:13:30,461
It's what humans do.
265
00:13:30,541 --> 00:13:32,861
And if I am going to be
living here among them,
266
00:13:32,941 --> 00:13:35,021
ahem, well, keeping up
appearances.
267
00:13:35,101 --> 00:13:37,141
-Tea?
-I do not sully the temple
268
00:13:37,221 --> 00:13:41,141
of my celestial body
with gross matter.
269
00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:42,941
Obviously not.
270
00:13:43,021 --> 00:13:46,421
-Nice suit.
-Yes, I like the clothes.
271
00:13:46,501 --> 00:13:48,261
Pity they won't be around
much longer.
272
00:13:48,701 --> 00:13:49,701
They won't?
273
00:13:49,781 --> 00:13:51,901
We have reliable information
274
00:13:51,981 --> 00:13:55,581
that things... are afoot.
275
00:13:55,661 --> 00:13:57,061
-They are?
-Yes.
276
00:13:57,141 --> 00:14:00,141
My informant suggests
that the demon...Crowley
277
00:14:00,221 --> 00:14:02,221
may be involved.
278
00:14:02,301 --> 00:14:04,101
You need to keep him
under observation
279
00:14:04,181 --> 00:14:06,661
without, of course, letting him
know that's what you're doing.
280
00:14:06,741 --> 00:14:09,101
I do know, yes.
I've been on Earth doing this
281
00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:11,141
-since the beginning.
-So has Crowley.
282
00:14:12,381 --> 00:14:14,141
It's a miracle
he hasn't spotted you yet.
283
00:14:14,221 --> 00:14:15,421
Yes, I know.
284
00:14:15,501 --> 00:14:16,861
[laughs]
285
00:14:16,941 --> 00:14:19,581
Miracles are what we do.
286
00:14:25,581 --> 00:14:27,341
[God]
Meet Deirdre and Arthur Young.
287
00:14:27,421 --> 00:14:30,581
They live in the Oxfordshire
village of Tadfield.
288
00:14:30,661 --> 00:14:33,021
Are we there yet,
Arthur?
289
00:14:33,101 --> 00:14:34,221
I'm four minutes apart.
290
00:14:34,301 --> 00:14:35,981
It's definitely
this way.
291
00:14:36,061 --> 00:14:38,061
It's just the roads
look all different in the dark.
292
00:14:38,141 --> 00:14:39,581
The nuns
said to come in
293
00:14:39,661 --> 00:14:41,541
when they were four to five
minutes apart.
294
00:14:41,621 --> 00:14:43,101
-It's just an...
-[gasps]
295
00:14:43,181 --> 00:14:45,501
Oh, do we have
any egg and cress sandwiches?
296
00:14:45,581 --> 00:14:46,661
Oh.
297
00:14:46,741 --> 00:14:48,581
[wails]
Oh!
298
00:14:48,661 --> 00:14:50,301
[police siren wails]
299
00:14:56,461 --> 00:14:58,221
[God]
Meet Harriet Dowling
300
00:14:58,301 --> 00:15:01,101
and her husband, American
diplomat Thaddeus Dowling.
301
00:15:01,181 --> 00:15:03,541
[Thaddeus]
Breathe, honey. Just breathe.
302
00:15:03,621 --> 00:15:06,421
I am breathing,
goddamn it, Tad!
303
00:15:06,501 --> 00:15:08,381
-Why aren't you here?
-Honey, I'm with you.
304
00:15:08,461 --> 00:15:11,381
I'm with you. I'm just also
here with the President.
305
00:15:11,461 --> 00:15:14,541
[President Bush]
Hey, Harriet, sorry we
had to borrow your husband.
306
00:15:14,621 --> 00:15:15,981
[shrieks]
307
00:15:16,061 --> 00:15:17,741
Birth is the single
most joyous
308
00:15:17,821 --> 00:15:19,701
co-experience that two human
beings can share,
309
00:15:19,781 --> 00:15:22,501
and I'm not going to miss
a second of it.
310
00:15:22,581 --> 00:15:24,541
[Bush] Tad, if we could get
back to the matter at hand.
311
00:15:24,621 --> 00:15:26,301
I'll get back to you, honey.
312
00:15:26,381 --> 00:15:28,781
You're meant to be with me,
you useless son of a bi--
313
00:15:28,861 --> 00:15:31,021
At some point
this evening,
314
00:15:31,101 --> 00:15:33,461
Mrs Dowling will arrive.
315
00:15:33,541 --> 00:15:37,181
She will undoubtedly have
Secret Service agents with her.
316
00:15:37,261 --> 00:15:41,901
You are all to ensure that
they see nothing untoward.
317
00:15:41,981 --> 00:15:44,981
Sister Theresa and I will
deliver the Dowlings' child
318
00:15:45,061 --> 00:15:46,941
in room four.
319
00:15:47,021 --> 00:15:48,501
Once he has been born,
320
00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:52,061
we will remove the baby boy
from the mother...
321
00:15:52,141 --> 00:15:56,901
and give her back
our master's child.
322
00:15:58,781 --> 00:16:00,541
Everything is ready.
323
00:16:00,621 --> 00:16:04,541
Tonight, it begins.
324
00:16:05,541 --> 00:16:07,821
Sister Mary Loquacious?
325
00:16:07,901 --> 00:16:09,661
Yes, excuse me,
Mother Superior,
326
00:16:09,741 --> 00:16:12,581
I was wondering where the other
baby was going to come from?
327
00:16:12,661 --> 00:16:15,701
Not the American baby.
I mean, that's obvious.
328
00:16:15,781 --> 00:16:17,101
It's just the birds
and the bees.
329
00:16:17,181 --> 00:16:19,061
But, you know, the, um...
330
00:16:20,821 --> 00:16:22,221
Master Crowley
is on his way
331
00:16:22,301 --> 00:16:24,461
with our dark lord-to-be,
Sister Mary.
332
00:16:24,541 --> 00:16:27,701
We do not need
to know more than that.
333
00:16:28,661 --> 00:16:30,661
We are Satanic nuns
334
00:16:30,741 --> 00:16:33,021
of the Chattering Order
of St Beryl.
335
00:16:33,101 --> 00:16:37,741
And tonight is what our order
was created for.
336
00:16:37,821 --> 00:16:39,341
-[indistinct murmuring]
-Sister Grace,
337
00:16:39,421 --> 00:16:41,341
you are on duty reception.
338
00:16:41,421 --> 00:16:44,341
Sisters Maria Verbose
and Katherine Prolix,
339
00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:48,421
you will assist
Sister Theresa.
340
00:16:48,501 --> 00:16:50,621
The rest of you
know your duties.
341
00:16:50,701 --> 00:16:52,861
-[siren wails distantly]
-Oh, it's an ambulance!
342
00:16:53,781 --> 00:16:55,461
Places.
343
00:16:56,501 --> 00:16:58,581
Excuse me,
Mother Superior.
344
00:16:58,661 --> 00:17:01,301
I didn't get a job.
Probably an oversight.
345
00:17:01,381 --> 00:17:03,181
Yes, of course.
346
00:17:03,261 --> 00:17:05,981
You could make sure
there are biscuits.
347
00:17:06,061 --> 00:17:07,621
The kind with pink icing.
348
00:17:07,701 --> 00:17:11,021
I think we had a tin
in the convent larder.
349
00:17:26,821 --> 00:17:30,421
-[Harriet moaning, gasping]
-[man] Clear.
350
00:17:30,501 --> 00:17:33,061
[moaning and screaming]
351
00:17:36,021 --> 00:17:38,661
-Breathe, dear, breathe.
-I am breathing. Oh, God!
352
00:17:38,741 --> 00:17:40,301
Excuse me.
Deirdre Young.
353
00:17:40,341 --> 00:17:43,981
Contractions are now four--
four minutes apart!
354
00:17:44,061 --> 00:17:45,461
Oh!
355
00:17:45,541 --> 00:17:48,181
Welcome to St Beryl's,
Mrs Young.
356
00:17:48,261 --> 00:17:49,781
We weren't expecting you
till next week.
357
00:17:49,821 --> 00:17:53,501
Now, Arthur will be with me
while I'm in labour.
358
00:17:54,341 --> 00:17:56,581
I'm afraid not.
359
00:17:56,661 --> 00:17:58,501
We believe that
fathers just, uh,
360
00:17:58,581 --> 00:18:00,501
complicate the process
for everybody.
361
00:18:01,701 --> 00:18:03,341
We'll let him know
when to come up.
362
00:18:03,461 --> 00:18:05,101
Well, I'm not going
to argue with nuns.
363
00:18:05,221 --> 00:18:07,781
Nurses know what they're doing,
Deirdre.
364
00:18:07,821 --> 00:18:09,541
I'll see you when it's--
365
00:18:09,581 --> 00:18:11,981
She'll be in room three.
366
00:18:12,061 --> 00:18:14,181
-Right.
-[shrieking]
367
00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:17,301
Good-- Good luck.
368
00:18:17,341 --> 00:18:19,581
[God] It may help
to understand human affairs
369
00:18:19,661 --> 00:18:22,821
to know that most of
the great triumphs and
tragedies of history
370
00:18:22,901 --> 00:18:26,061
are caused not by people being
fundamentally good
371
00:18:26,101 --> 00:18:27,701
or fundamentally bad,
372
00:18:27,781 --> 00:18:30,301
but by people being
fundamentally people.
373
00:18:30,341 --> 00:18:31,821
You've left your lights on.
374
00:18:31,941 --> 00:18:33,541
-[snaps fingers]
-Oh.
375
00:18:33,581 --> 00:18:34,901
Well, that's clever.
376
00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:37,821
-It is infrared?
-Has it started yet?
377
00:18:37,901 --> 00:18:41,061
-Um... they made me go out.
-Any idea how long we've got?
378
00:18:41,101 --> 00:18:44,421
I think we were
getting on with it, doctor.
379
00:18:44,501 --> 00:18:45,981
Got it. What room is she in?
380
00:18:46,061 --> 00:18:49,661
-We're in room three.
-Room three, got it.
381
00:18:49,741 --> 00:18:52,181
[God] There's a trick they do
with three playing cards
382
00:18:52,261 --> 00:18:53,821
which is very hard to follow.
383
00:18:53,941 --> 00:18:55,741
And something like it,
for greater stakes
384
00:18:55,821 --> 00:18:59,341
than a handful of loose change,
is about to take place.
385
00:19:01,981 --> 00:19:04,221
Deirdre Young is
in delivery room three.
386
00:19:04,301 --> 00:19:07,581
She has just given birth
to a golden-haired male baby
387
00:19:07,701 --> 00:19:09,421
we will call "Baby A".
388
00:19:12,221 --> 00:19:16,301
Harriet Dowling is giving birth
in delivery room four.
389
00:19:16,341 --> 00:19:19,261
She is having
a golden-haired male baby
390
00:19:19,341 --> 00:19:21,421
we will call "Baby B".
391
00:19:25,941 --> 00:19:27,581
Psst.
392
00:19:27,661 --> 00:19:29,821
Sister Mary Loquacious
is about to be handed
393
00:19:29,901 --> 00:19:33,581
a golden-haired male baby
we will call "The Adversary,
394
00:19:33,701 --> 00:19:37,421
Destroyer of Kings,
Angel of the Bottomless Pit,
395
00:19:37,501 --> 00:19:41,021
Prince of This World
and Lord of Darkness."
396
00:19:45,341 --> 00:19:46,341
[Mary laughs]
397
00:19:46,461 --> 00:19:49,901
-Is that him?
-Yup.
398
00:19:49,981 --> 00:19:51,821
Only I'd expected
funny eyes,
399
00:19:51,901 --> 00:19:55,061
or teensy-weensy
little hoofikins.
400
00:19:55,101 --> 00:19:56,301
Or a wittle tail.
401
00:19:56,341 --> 00:19:58,661
It's definitely him.
402
00:19:58,741 --> 00:20:00,541
Fancy me holding
the Antichrist.
403
00:20:00,581 --> 00:20:03,781
Counting his little
toesie-woesies.
404
00:20:03,821 --> 00:20:04,901
Do you look like your daddy?
405
00:20:04,981 --> 00:20:06,221
-[coos]
-I bet he does.
406
00:20:06,301 --> 00:20:07,941
Do you look like
your daddy-waddykins?
407
00:20:08,021 --> 00:20:09,821
He doesn't.
Take him up to room three.
408
00:20:09,941 --> 00:20:12,901
Room three. Do you think he'll
remember me when he grows up?
409
00:20:12,981 --> 00:20:14,901
Pray that he doesn't.
410
00:20:16,821 --> 00:20:19,581
[sneezes]
411
00:20:19,701 --> 00:20:20,941
[God] Three babies.
412
00:20:21,021 --> 00:20:22,741
Watch carefully.
413
00:20:22,821 --> 00:20:25,101
Round and round they go.
414
00:20:25,221 --> 00:20:26,781
Sister Mary,
what are you doing here?
415
00:20:26,821 --> 00:20:28,581
Shouldn't you be taking
biscuits to the refectory?
416
00:20:28,701 --> 00:20:32,501
Master Crowley said
to take the baby to room three.
417
00:20:43,261 --> 00:20:44,821
[coos]
418
00:20:44,901 --> 00:20:46,581
[gasps]
419
00:20:47,821 --> 00:20:50,261
Well, get on with it, then.
420
00:20:54,061 --> 00:20:56,101
[crying]
421
00:21:01,821 --> 00:21:03,541
-[knock on door]
-[door opens]
422
00:21:05,581 --> 00:21:08,261
Has it happened yet?
423
00:21:08,341 --> 00:21:11,061
I'm the father.
The husband. Both.
424
00:21:11,101 --> 00:21:14,341
Oh, yes. Congratulations.
425
00:21:14,461 --> 00:21:16,301
Your lady wife's asleep,
poor pet.
426
00:21:17,661 --> 00:21:19,821
[Adversary wailing]
427
00:21:19,901 --> 00:21:22,101
[Arthur]
Twins? What?
428
00:21:22,181 --> 00:21:24,261
Nobody said anything
about twins.
429
00:21:24,341 --> 00:21:26,181
Oh, no, no.
This one's yours.
430
00:21:26,261 --> 00:21:29,021
That one's... someone else's.
431
00:21:29,101 --> 00:21:30,821
Just looking after him.
432
00:21:30,901 --> 00:21:35,421
No, no, this one is definitely
yours, your ambassadorship,
433
00:21:35,501 --> 00:21:37,821
from the top of his head to
the tips of his hoofy-woofies...
434
00:21:37,941 --> 00:21:40,221
-which he hasn't got.
-Oh.
435
00:21:40,301 --> 00:21:43,101
All, uh, ahem,
present and correct, is he?
436
00:21:43,221 --> 00:21:47,261
Oh, yes. He's normal.
Very, very normal.
437
00:21:49,541 --> 00:21:50,821
[Tad] A boy!
438
00:21:50,901 --> 00:21:52,661
-[baby crying]
-Mr President.
439
00:21:52,741 --> 00:21:55,861
I have the honour, sir,
to report myself the father
440
00:21:55,941 --> 00:21:58,701
of a regular
Y-chromosomed son.
441
00:21:58,781 --> 00:22:02,021
Now, we just have to take him
away for a minute to weigh him
442
00:22:02,101 --> 00:22:03,661
and the usual.
443
00:22:03,741 --> 00:22:04,821
[giggles]
444
00:22:04,901 --> 00:22:06,421
This father-of-a-male-boy-son
445
00:22:06,501 --> 00:22:08,301
is all yours,
Mr President.
446
00:22:08,381 --> 00:22:10,781
[whispers]
Harriet. Yes!
447
00:22:21,421 --> 00:22:22,461
Where's the baby?
448
00:22:23,741 --> 00:22:26,141
Satan, give me strength.
449
00:22:26,221 --> 00:22:27,981
Do you know where
our master's child is?
450
00:22:28,061 --> 00:22:31,941
Sister Mary Loquacious has him
in room three.
451
00:22:33,741 --> 00:22:35,661
Now, we call these biscuits.
452
00:22:35,741 --> 00:22:38,261
But you'll be looking at them
and going, "Oh, cookies."
453
00:22:40,101 --> 00:22:43,141
I call them biscuits.
454
00:22:43,221 --> 00:22:45,861
[God] As methods
of human communication go,
455
00:22:45,941 --> 00:22:48,821
the human wink
is quite versatile.
456
00:22:48,901 --> 00:22:51,141
For example,
Sister Theresa's meant...
457
00:22:51,221 --> 00:22:52,741
Where the hell
have you been?
458
00:22:52,821 --> 00:22:54,501
We're ready
to make the switch,
459
00:22:54,581 --> 00:22:56,141
and here's you in the wrong room
with the Adversary,
460
00:22:56,221 --> 00:22:58,501
Destroyer of Kings,
Angel of the Bottomless Pit,
461
00:22:58,581 --> 00:23:00,741
Prince of This World,
Lord of Darkness, drinking tea.
462
00:23:00,821 --> 00:23:03,341
[God] And as far
as she was concerned,
463
00:23:03,421 --> 00:23:06,181
Sister Mary's answering wink
meant...
464
00:23:06,261 --> 00:23:07,821
This child is the Adversary,
465
00:23:07,901 --> 00:23:09,821
Destroyer of Kings,
Angel of the Bottomless Pit,
466
00:23:09,901 --> 00:23:12,061
Prince of This World
and Lord of Darkness.
467
00:23:12,141 --> 00:23:14,541
But I can't talk now, because
there's this outsider here.
468
00:23:14,621 --> 00:23:16,541
[God] Sister Mary,
on the other hand,
469
00:23:16,621 --> 00:23:19,061
had thought that
Sister Theresa's wink
470
00:23:19,141 --> 00:23:20,541
was more on the lines of...
471
00:23:20,621 --> 00:23:22,221
Well done, that,
Sister Mary.
472
00:23:22,301 --> 00:23:24,101
Switched over the babies
all by herself.
473
00:23:24,181 --> 00:23:26,581
Now, indicate to me
the superfluous child,
474
00:23:26,661 --> 00:23:28,901
and I shall remove it
and let you get on with your tea
475
00:23:28,981 --> 00:23:32,541
with His Royal Excellency,
the American ambassador.
476
00:23:34,301 --> 00:23:35,821
Extra baby removal.
477
00:23:38,741 --> 00:23:40,341
[Mary]
But I'm wittering on.
478
00:23:40,421 --> 00:23:43,221
Where were you before
you took up this appointment?
479
00:23:44,101 --> 00:23:45,541
Swindon.
480
00:23:46,661 --> 00:23:48,221
Ohh!
481
00:23:50,421 --> 00:23:55,621
Here's your little man back,
all cleaned up and weighed.
482
00:23:55,701 --> 00:23:58,661
Look, honey. Our son.
483
00:23:58,741 --> 00:24:01,021
[Tad]
He's beautiful, hon.
484
00:24:01,101 --> 00:24:02,901
What a little tyke, huh?
485
00:24:02,981 --> 00:24:06,061
[laughs]
Oh...
486
00:24:06,141 --> 00:24:07,901
Seeing him makes me
understand
487
00:24:07,981 --> 00:24:09,941
what's important in life.
488
00:24:10,021 --> 00:24:11,581
It's not work.
489
00:24:11,661 --> 00:24:13,581
I'm going to teach him
to play baseball.
490
00:24:13,661 --> 00:24:15,421
And on Sundays,
we'll go fishing.
491
00:24:15,501 --> 00:24:17,621
[President] Tad!
492
00:24:17,701 --> 00:24:19,741
Sorry, honey,
we'll call you back.
493
00:24:21,021 --> 00:24:22,701
You must name the child.
494
00:24:22,781 --> 00:24:26,021
Well, we were going
to name him Thaddeus,
495
00:24:26,101 --> 00:24:29,021
after his dad
and his dad's dad.
496
00:24:29,101 --> 00:24:31,661
Damien's an excellent name.
497
00:24:31,741 --> 00:24:33,061
[Harriet] Damien Dowling?
498
00:24:33,141 --> 00:24:34,901
Too alliterative.
499
00:24:35,861 --> 00:24:36,821
Warlock, then.
500
00:24:36,901 --> 00:24:38,701
It's an old English name.
501
00:24:38,781 --> 00:24:40,501
A good name.
502
00:24:40,581 --> 00:24:42,301
[baby cries]
503
00:24:44,741 --> 00:24:47,021
Hello, Warlock.
504
00:24:47,101 --> 00:24:48,861
[Harriet gasps]
505
00:24:50,221 --> 00:24:53,021
Damien?
506
00:24:53,101 --> 00:24:55,741
No. I'd always fancied
something more,
507
00:24:55,821 --> 00:24:57,701
well, traditional.
508
00:24:57,781 --> 00:25:00,701
We've always gone in for good,
simple names
509
00:25:00,781 --> 00:25:02,621
in our family.
510
00:25:02,701 --> 00:25:03,901
Cain.
511
00:25:03,981 --> 00:25:05,861
Very modern sound,
Cain, really.
512
00:25:07,541 --> 00:25:09,341
Well, there's always...
513
00:25:10,501 --> 00:25:12,821
I mean, there's always Adam.
514
00:25:14,661 --> 00:25:15,861
Adam?
515
00:25:17,261 --> 00:25:18,781
Hmm.
516
00:25:19,621 --> 00:25:20,821
Adam.
517
00:25:20,901 --> 00:25:22,501
[baby fussing]
518
00:25:22,581 --> 00:25:23,981
Oh!
519
00:25:24,061 --> 00:25:25,701
Ooh.
520
00:25:26,701 --> 00:25:28,661
Come on, little one.
521
00:25:28,741 --> 00:25:32,181
[Arthur] Do you know,
Deirdre, um...
522
00:25:32,261 --> 00:25:35,581
I think he looks
like an Adam.
523
00:25:35,661 --> 00:25:37,141
Oh.
524
00:25:37,221 --> 00:25:40,101
Hello, Adam.
525
00:25:40,181 --> 00:25:41,781
[God] It would be nice
to think that the nuns
526
00:25:41,861 --> 00:25:44,421
had the surplus baby
discreetly adopted.
527
00:25:44,501 --> 00:25:46,781
That he grew to be
a happy, normal child,
528
00:25:46,861 --> 00:25:49,421
and then grew further
to become a normal,
529
00:25:49,501 --> 00:25:51,381
fairly contented adult.
530
00:25:51,461 --> 00:25:53,581
And, perhaps, that is
what happened.
531
00:25:53,661 --> 00:25:57,101
He probably wins prizes
for his tropical fish.
532
00:25:59,061 --> 00:26:02,061
[slow rock playing on radio]
533
00:26:02,141 --> 00:26:03,501
Call Aziraphale.
534
00:26:03,581 --> 00:26:05,301
[female voice]
Calling Aziraphale.
535
00:26:05,381 --> 00:26:06,861
[disconnected beep]
536
00:26:06,941 --> 00:26:08,341
[recording] Sorry,
all lines to London
537
00:26:08,421 --> 00:26:09,701
-are currently busy.
-[groans]
538
00:26:09,781 --> 00:26:11,781
[indistinct chattering]
539
00:26:15,101 --> 00:26:17,101
[classical music plays]
540
00:26:17,181 --> 00:26:19,501
[hums along]
541
00:26:19,581 --> 00:26:21,461
[phone rings]
542
00:26:25,941 --> 00:26:28,021
I'm afraid we're quite
definitely closed.
543
00:26:28,101 --> 00:26:30,101
[Crowley] Aziraphale, it's me.
544
00:26:30,181 --> 00:26:33,101
-We need to talk.
-[Aziraphale] Yes.
545
00:26:33,181 --> 00:26:34,501
Yes, I rather think we do.
546
00:26:34,581 --> 00:26:36,141
I assume this is about--
547
00:26:36,221 --> 00:26:38,861
Armageddon. Yes.
548
00:26:42,301 --> 00:26:43,781
[God] Everyone knows
the best place
549
00:26:43,861 --> 00:26:45,941
for a clandestine meeting
in London
550
00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:49,461
is, and always has been,
St James's Park.
551
00:26:49,541 --> 00:26:52,421
They say the ducks are so used
to being fed by secret agents
552
00:26:52,501 --> 00:26:56,181
that they've developed
Pavlovian reactions to them.
553
00:26:56,261 --> 00:26:58,541
The Russian cultural attaché's
black bread
554
00:26:58,621 --> 00:27:02,861
is particularly sought after
by the more discerning duck.
555
00:27:02,941 --> 00:27:04,461
Crowley and Aziraphale
have been meeting here
556
00:27:04,541 --> 00:27:06,541
for quite some time.
557
00:27:06,621 --> 00:27:08,701
You're sure it was
the Antichrist?
558
00:27:08,781 --> 00:27:11,101
I should know.
I delivered the baby.
559
00:27:11,181 --> 00:27:13,421
Well, not "delivered" delivered,
you know?
560
00:27:14,741 --> 00:27:16,061
Handed it over.
561
00:27:16,141 --> 00:27:18,261
An American diplomat.
562
00:27:18,341 --> 00:27:19,741
Really?
563
00:27:19,821 --> 00:27:22,061
As if Armageddon
were a cinematographic show
564
00:27:22,141 --> 00:27:24,861
you wished to sell in
as many countries as possible.
565
00:27:24,941 --> 00:27:27,341
The Earth and all
the kingdoms thereof.
566
00:27:27,421 --> 00:27:30,461
-We will win, of course.
-[bell tolls]
567
00:27:30,541 --> 00:27:31,701
You really believe that?
568
00:27:31,781 --> 00:27:33,181
Obviously.
569
00:27:33,261 --> 00:27:36,981
Heaven will finally
triumph over Hell.
570
00:27:37,061 --> 00:27:38,701
It's all going to be
rather lovely.
571
00:27:38,781 --> 00:27:40,541
Out of interest,
572
00:27:40,621 --> 00:27:43,461
how many first-class composers
do your lot have in Heaven?
573
00:27:43,541 --> 00:27:44,901
Because Mozart's
one of ours.
574
00:27:45,581 --> 00:27:46,901
Beethoven.
575
00:27:46,981 --> 00:27:48,221
Schubert.
576
00:27:48,301 --> 00:27:49,661
Uh, all of the Bachs.
577
00:27:49,741 --> 00:27:51,781
They have already written
their music.
578
00:27:51,861 --> 00:27:55,141
And you'll never
hear it again.
579
00:27:55,221 --> 00:27:57,781
No more Albert Hall.
No more Glyndebourne.
580
00:27:57,861 --> 00:28:00,061
Just celestial harmonies.
581
00:28:00,141 --> 00:28:01,541
-Well...
-And that's just the start
582
00:28:01,621 --> 00:28:03,301
of what you'll lose
if you win.
583
00:28:03,381 --> 00:28:07,461
No more fascinating little
restaurants where they know you.
584
00:28:07,541 --> 00:28:10,101
No gravlax
in dill sauce.
585
00:28:11,141 --> 00:28:13,701
No more old bookshops.
586
00:28:17,381 --> 00:28:19,781
We've only got 11 years,
and then it's all over.
587
00:28:19,861 --> 00:28:21,581
We have to work together.
588
00:28:22,101 --> 00:28:23,581
No.
589
00:28:23,661 --> 00:28:25,461
It's the end of the world
we're talking about.
590
00:28:25,541 --> 00:28:27,341
It's not some little temptation
I've asked you to cover for me
591
00:28:27,421 --> 00:28:29,661
while you're up in Edinburgh
for the festival.
592
00:28:29,741 --> 00:28:31,021
-You can't say no.
-No.
593
00:28:31,101 --> 00:28:32,861
We can do something.
I have an idea.
594
00:28:32,941 --> 00:28:35,501
No! I am not interested.
595
00:28:36,501 --> 00:28:39,541
Well, let's have lunch, hmm?
596
00:28:39,621 --> 00:28:40,901
I still owe you one from...
597
00:28:42,821 --> 00:28:44,741
Paris.
598
00:28:45,381 --> 00:28:47,021
1793.
599
00:28:47,101 --> 00:28:50,461
Yes. The Reign of Terror.
600
00:28:50,541 --> 00:28:52,621
Was that one of ours
or one of yours?
601
00:28:52,701 --> 00:28:54,301
Can't recall.
602
00:28:55,021 --> 00:28:56,861
We had crepes.
603
00:29:02,341 --> 00:29:04,261
[champagne cork pops]
604
00:29:04,341 --> 00:29:05,941
Mm.
605
00:29:07,821 --> 00:29:10,461
That was scrumptious.
606
00:29:10,541 --> 00:29:12,701
So, what are you
in the mood for now?
607
00:29:12,781 --> 00:29:14,021
Alcohol.
608
00:29:14,101 --> 00:29:15,501
[glass dings]
609
00:29:15,581 --> 00:29:19,181
Quite extraordinary
amounts of alcohol.
610
00:29:19,261 --> 00:29:21,021
[Aziraphale]
I have several very nice bottles
611
00:29:21,101 --> 00:29:23,301
of Châteauneuf-du-Pape
in the back.
612
00:29:23,381 --> 00:29:25,501
I picked up a dozen cases
in 1921,
613
00:29:25,581 --> 00:29:28,461
and there's still some left
for special occasions.
614
00:29:30,541 --> 00:29:33,621
Not very big on wine in Heaven,
are they, though?
615
00:29:33,701 --> 00:29:36,301
Not going to get
any more nice little
Châteauneuf-du-Papes
616
00:29:36,381 --> 00:29:39,541
in Heaven,
or single malt scotch,
617
00:29:39,621 --> 00:29:42,701
or little... little froufrou
cocktails with umbrellas.
618
00:29:42,781 --> 00:29:45,661
Crowley, I've told you,
I'm not helping you.
619
00:29:45,741 --> 00:29:49,341
I'm not interested.
This is purely social.
620
00:29:49,421 --> 00:29:51,421
I am an angel.
You are a demon.
621
00:29:51,501 --> 00:29:53,941
We're hereditary enemies.
622
00:29:54,021 --> 00:29:57,621
Get thee behind me,
foul fiend.
623
00:29:57,701 --> 00:29:59,621
After you.
624
00:29:59,701 --> 00:30:01,661
[God] That night,
Arthur and Deirdre Young
625
00:30:01,741 --> 00:30:04,301
proudly took the baby
they believed was theirs
626
00:30:04,381 --> 00:30:07,461
home to the quiet English
village of Tadfield.
627
00:30:07,541 --> 00:30:11,861
The Antichrist had been
on Earth for 24 hours.
628
00:30:14,261 --> 00:30:17,061
While in London's Soho,
an angel and a demon
629
00:30:17,141 --> 00:30:20,501
had been drinking solidly
for the last six of them.
630
00:30:20,581 --> 00:30:24,101
[classical violin music plays
out of tune]
631
00:30:24,181 --> 00:30:27,541
[Aziraphale] So, what...
what exactly is your point?
632
00:30:27,621 --> 00:30:28,821
My point is--
633
00:30:28,901 --> 00:30:30,141
[burps]
634
00:30:30,221 --> 00:30:33,541
My point is, dolphins.
635
00:30:33,621 --> 00:30:34,661
That's my point.
636
00:30:34,741 --> 00:30:36,981
Big brains, the size of...
637
00:30:38,101 --> 00:30:39,581
damn big brains.
638
00:30:39,661 --> 00:30:43,461
Not to mention the whales.
Brain city, whales.
639
00:30:43,541 --> 00:30:44,581
Kraken.
640
00:30:44,661 --> 00:30:49,021
Ooh, great, big bugger.
641
00:30:49,101 --> 00:30:50,461
Supposed to rise up
to the surface.
642
00:30:50,541 --> 00:30:53,381
Right... right up
at the end,
643
00:30:53,461 --> 00:30:55,021
when the sea boils.
644
00:30:55,101 --> 00:30:58,021
Well, that's my point.
645
00:30:58,101 --> 00:30:59,341
Whole sea bubbling.
646
00:30:59,421 --> 00:31:00,741
The dolphins, the whales.
647
00:31:00,821 --> 00:31:03,101
Everything turning
into bouillab--
648
00:31:03,181 --> 00:31:05,381
Bouill-bouillab--
649
00:31:05,461 --> 00:31:07,341
Bouillab--
650
00:31:07,421 --> 00:31:09,181
Fish stew.
Anyway, it's not their fault.
651
00:31:09,261 --> 00:31:11,741
And that's the same
with gorillas.
652
00:31:11,821 --> 00:31:13,901
They say, like, "Whoop".
They say a lot of--
653
00:31:13,981 --> 00:31:16,541
Sky's gone red.
There's...
654
00:31:16,621 --> 00:31:18,141
stars crashing down.
655
00:31:18,221 --> 00:31:20,501
And what are they putting
in bananas these days?
656
00:31:20,581 --> 00:31:23,781
They're All creatures,
great and small.
657
00:31:23,861 --> 00:31:26,341
And you know
what's worse?
658
00:31:27,181 --> 00:31:28,701
When it's all over,
659
00:31:28,781 --> 00:31:34,221
you've got to deal
with eternity!
660
00:31:34,301 --> 00:31:35,741
Eternity?
661
00:31:35,821 --> 00:31:38,421
[Crowley] Yeah,
it won't be so bad at first.
662
00:31:38,501 --> 00:31:39,861
Although no Stephen Sondheim
663
00:31:39,941 --> 00:31:42,261
first nights in eternity,
I'm afraid.
664
00:31:42,341 --> 00:31:45,421
Although, I have heard rumours
that your boss
665
00:31:45,501 --> 00:31:49,061
really loves
The Sound of Music.
666
00:31:49,141 --> 00:31:51,861
You fancy spending eternity
watching that?
667
00:31:51,941 --> 00:31:53,821
You could literally
climb every mountain
668
00:31:53,901 --> 00:31:56,581
over and over and over and over
and over and over and over.
669
00:31:56,661 --> 00:31:58,421
I don't like it
any more than you do,
670
00:31:58,501 --> 00:32:03,741
but I told you, I can't diso--
not do what I'm told.
671
00:32:03,821 --> 00:32:05,661
I'm an angel. I...
672
00:32:05,741 --> 00:32:07,061
Oh, God, I--
673
00:32:07,141 --> 00:32:08,661
I can't cope with this
while I'm drunk.
674
00:32:08,741 --> 00:32:10,181
I'm going to sober up.
675
00:32:10,261 --> 00:32:11,581
Yeah, me too.
676
00:32:11,661 --> 00:32:13,381
[inhales sharply]
677
00:32:13,461 --> 00:32:14,661
[strains]
678
00:32:22,421 --> 00:32:25,381
[music tunes down]
679
00:32:27,101 --> 00:32:30,221
[God] Harriet Dowling took
baby Warlock to his new home,
680
00:32:30,301 --> 00:32:32,501
an official London residence.
681
00:32:32,581 --> 00:32:35,901
[sirens blaring]
682
00:32:41,501 --> 00:32:43,501
[Mother Superior] Our mission
is done, Lord Hastur.
683
00:32:43,581 --> 00:32:44,861
The baby is in place,
684
00:32:44,941 --> 00:32:47,541
and his parents
are none the wiser.
685
00:32:47,621 --> 00:32:49,501
Well, no need for the convent
any longer, then, is there?
686
00:32:49,581 --> 00:32:51,301
-I'm afraid I--
-[Hastur] Dissolve.
687
00:32:51,381 --> 00:32:53,541
-What?
-Your order is dissolved.
688
00:32:53,621 --> 00:32:55,621
-We're what?
-Now hang on a moment.
689
00:32:55,701 --> 00:32:57,341
We did everything
that was asked of us.
690
00:32:57,421 --> 00:32:58,581
What about our reward?
691
00:32:58,661 --> 00:32:59,781
So irritating.
692
00:32:59,861 --> 00:33:01,301
You never shut up, do you?
693
00:33:01,381 --> 00:33:02,661
We are a chattering order.
694
00:33:02,741 --> 00:33:04,021
We say what is on
our minds.
695
00:33:04,101 --> 00:33:05,341
And right now,
what's on my mind
696
00:33:05,421 --> 00:33:06,941
is that you can't
treat us like--
697
00:33:08,341 --> 00:33:09,581
[Hastur]
Would you like to tell them
698
00:33:09,661 --> 00:33:11,221
that the order
is dissolved?
699
00:33:11,301 --> 00:33:13,861
Or would you rather that
they all perish in the fire?
700
00:33:13,941 --> 00:33:16,061
-What fire?
-[thunder crashes]
701
00:33:16,141 --> 00:33:18,381
[gasps]
702
00:33:20,861 --> 00:33:22,661
[laughs]
703
00:33:27,381 --> 00:33:29,741
[all screaming]
704
00:33:35,101 --> 00:33:36,941
Even if I wanted to help,
I couldn't.
705
00:33:37,021 --> 00:33:40,181
I can't interfere
with the Divine Plan.
706
00:33:40,261 --> 00:33:43,101
[Crowley] Well, what about
diabolical plans?
707
00:33:43,181 --> 00:33:44,701
You can't be certain
that thwarting me
708
00:33:44,781 --> 00:33:47,381
isn't part
of the Divine Plan, too.
709
00:33:47,461 --> 00:33:50,221
I mean, you're supposed
to thwart the wiles
710
00:33:50,301 --> 00:33:52,381
of the Evil One
at every turn, aren't you?
711
00:33:52,461 --> 00:33:53,901
Well...
712
00:33:53,981 --> 00:33:57,101
See a wile, ya' thwart.
Am I right?
713
00:33:57,181 --> 00:33:59,981
I... Broadly.
714
00:34:00,061 --> 00:34:02,221
Actually, I encourage humans
to do the actual--
715
00:34:02,301 --> 00:34:04,581
But the Antichrist
has been born.
716
00:34:04,661 --> 00:34:07,861
But it's the upbringing
that's important,
the influences.
717
00:34:07,941 --> 00:34:09,981
The evil influences,
718
00:34:10,061 --> 00:34:13,141
that's all
going to be me.
719
00:34:13,181 --> 00:34:16,941
It'd be too bad if someone
made sure that I failed.
720
00:34:22,941 --> 00:34:26,021
If you put it that way...
721
00:34:26,101 --> 00:34:29,861
Heaven couldn't actually object
if I was thwarting you.
722
00:34:29,941 --> 00:34:32,901
No. Be a real feather
in your wing.
723
00:34:42,621 --> 00:34:45,301
We'd be godfathers,
sort of,
724
00:34:45,381 --> 00:34:48,541
overseeing
his upbringing.
725
00:34:48,621 --> 00:34:49,901
We do it right,
he won't be evil.
726
00:34:49,981 --> 00:34:52,901
Or good.
He'll just be normal.
727
00:34:52,981 --> 00:34:54,781
It might work.
728
00:34:55,861 --> 00:34:58,661
Godfathers.
729
00:34:58,781 --> 00:35:00,701
Well, I'll be damned.
[chuckles]
730
00:35:00,821 --> 00:35:03,701
It's not that bad
when you get used to it.
731
00:35:11,421 --> 00:35:13,181
[bell tinkling]
732
00:35:14,821 --> 00:35:17,381
[in Scottish accent]
I understand you need a nanny.
733
00:35:20,181 --> 00:35:23,901
[in West Country accent]
They do say as you might
be looking for a gardener.
734
00:35:29,181 --> 00:35:33,341
[Aziraphale]
Oh! Young master Warlock!
735
00:35:33,421 --> 00:35:36,181
You're growing fast.
736
00:35:36,221 --> 00:35:37,941
You must be all of, um...
737
00:35:38,021 --> 00:35:40,461
Five. I'm five.
738
00:35:41,701 --> 00:35:43,221
What's that?
739
00:35:43,341 --> 00:35:45,181
Oh, that's Brother Pigeon.
740
00:35:45,221 --> 00:35:47,221
[cooing]
741
00:35:48,181 --> 00:35:49,421
And Brother Snail.
742
00:35:50,221 --> 00:35:52,621
Oh, and Sister Slug.
743
00:35:54,541 --> 00:35:58,021
Now, you remember,
young Warlock,
744
00:35:58,101 --> 00:36:00,141
as you grow,
745
00:36:00,181 --> 00:36:03,861
to have love and reverence
746
00:36:03,941 --> 00:36:06,341
for all living things.
747
00:36:06,421 --> 00:36:08,221
Nanny says living things
748
00:36:08,341 --> 00:36:12,181
are only fit to be ground
under my heels, Brother Francis.
749
00:36:12,221 --> 00:36:13,461
[chuckles]
750
00:36:13,541 --> 00:36:15,501
Well, don't you listen to her.
751
00:36:15,581 --> 00:36:17,701
You listen to me.
752
00:36:18,781 --> 00:36:20,581
[lullaby music plays]
753
00:36:25,501 --> 00:36:28,101
Will you sing me
a lullaby, nanny?
754
00:36:28,181 --> 00:36:29,941
Of course, dear.
755
00:36:31,701 --> 00:36:35,381
♪♪ Go to sleep ♪♪
756
00:36:35,461 --> 00:36:40,021
♪♪ And dream of pain ♪♪
757
00:36:40,101 --> 00:36:43,221
♪♪ Doom and darkness ♪♪
758
00:36:43,341 --> 00:36:47,501
♪♪ Blood and brains ♪♪
759
00:36:47,581 --> 00:36:50,461
♪♪ Sleep so sweet ♪♪
760
00:36:50,541 --> 00:36:54,941
♪♪ My darling boy ♪♪
761
00:36:55,021 --> 00:36:57,661
♪♪ You will rule ♪♪
762
00:36:57,701 --> 00:37:01,661
♪♪ When Earth's destroyed ♪♪
763
00:37:01,701 --> 00:37:05,901
The gardener says that I must be
kind and nice to everybody.
764
00:37:07,021 --> 00:37:08,661
Even Sister Slug.
765
00:37:08,701 --> 00:37:11,381
And not ever
destroy the Earth.
766
00:37:11,461 --> 00:37:14,381
Don't listen to him.
767
00:37:14,461 --> 00:37:16,781
Listen to me.
768
00:37:16,861 --> 00:37:20,221
[God] There are many doors
that will take you to
Heaven or to Hell.
769
00:37:20,341 --> 00:37:23,541
But when Crowley and Aziraphale
report in an official capacity
770
00:37:23,621 --> 00:37:25,581
to their respective
head offices,
771
00:37:25,661 --> 00:37:27,781
they take the main entrance.
772
00:37:35,581 --> 00:37:38,101
Tell us about the boy, Warlock.
773
00:37:38,181 --> 00:37:40,381
He's a remarkable child,
Lord Beelzebub.
774
00:37:40,461 --> 00:37:43,941
-But is he evil?
-Fantastically evil.
775
00:37:44,021 --> 00:37:45,301
Killed anyone yet?
776
00:37:46,341 --> 00:37:47,901
Uh... not yet,
777
00:37:47,981 --> 00:37:49,501
but there's more to evil
than just killing people, eh?
778
00:37:49,581 --> 00:37:50,581
[murmurs of agreement]
779
00:37:50,661 --> 00:37:52,101
[Ligur]
I suppose.
780
00:37:52,181 --> 00:37:53,621
But it's fun.
781
00:37:53,661 --> 00:37:56,181
Have you encountered
any problems from the...
782
00:37:56,301 --> 00:37:58,181
-[flies buzzing]
-...opposition?
783
00:37:58,301 --> 00:38:01,661
They don't suspect a thing.
784
00:38:02,461 --> 00:38:04,621
I am proud to say
785
00:38:04,661 --> 00:38:06,821
that on a very real level,
786
00:38:06,901 --> 00:38:08,301
the Antichrist child
787
00:38:08,381 --> 00:38:12,581
is now being influenced
towards the light.
788
00:38:12,661 --> 00:38:14,181
Very commendable,
Aziraphale.
789
00:38:14,221 --> 00:38:16,781
-Excellent work, as usual.
-Yes.
790
00:38:16,861 --> 00:38:19,421
But, Aziraphale,
we will be most understanding
791
00:38:19,501 --> 00:38:21,541
when you fail.
792
00:38:21,621 --> 00:38:23,941
After all, wars are to be won.
793
00:38:24,021 --> 00:38:26,181
Not avoided.
794
00:38:26,221 --> 00:38:27,941
But I won't fail.
795
00:38:28,021 --> 00:38:29,661
I mean, that would be bad.
796
00:38:29,781 --> 00:38:33,301
Aziraphale, what you're doing
is praiseworthy,
797
00:38:33,381 --> 00:38:35,981
but obviously doomed
to failure.
798
00:38:36,061 --> 00:38:37,861
[chuckles]
799
00:38:37,941 --> 00:38:41,821
Still, as the Almighty
likes to say,
800
00:38:41,901 --> 00:38:43,421
"Climb every mountain."
801
00:38:46,541 --> 00:38:48,781
"Ford every stream."
802
00:39:01,061 --> 00:39:03,581
The boy's too normal.
803
00:39:03,661 --> 00:39:05,581
Excellent.
It's working.
804
00:39:05,661 --> 00:39:08,501
The heavenly influences
are balancing out the hellish.
805
00:39:08,581 --> 00:39:09,701
A no-score draw.
806
00:39:09,821 --> 00:39:11,421
I hope you're right.
807
00:39:11,501 --> 00:39:13,141
Only six years left to go.
808
00:39:13,181 --> 00:39:14,861
-Crowley.
-Yeah?
809
00:39:14,941 --> 00:39:19,501
I mean, if he comes
into his full power,
810
00:39:19,581 --> 00:39:21,861
how do we stop him then?
811
00:39:23,381 --> 00:39:25,901
I'm sure it won't
come to that.
812
00:39:52,221 --> 00:39:54,661
-[Ligur] He's big.
-[Hastur] He's the biggest
we've got.
813
00:39:54,781 --> 00:39:57,661
Only the best for our young
master-to-be.
814
00:39:57,701 --> 00:39:59,381
[Ligur]
Do you think he's hungry?
815
00:39:59,461 --> 00:40:02,061
[Hastur]
Only one way to find out.
816
00:40:02,141 --> 00:40:03,341
[growls]
817
00:40:03,421 --> 00:40:04,581
You. Get in there.
818
00:40:04,661 --> 00:40:06,701
-Me?
-Yes, yes, you.
819
00:40:11,501 --> 00:40:12,901
Watch out for his teeth.
820
00:40:12,981 --> 00:40:14,541
Ooh.
821
00:40:14,621 --> 00:40:17,661
[screams]
822
00:40:17,781 --> 00:40:20,301
It's not like you didn't tell
him to look out for the teeth.
823
00:40:20,381 --> 00:40:21,581
[banging on door]
824
00:40:21,661 --> 00:40:24,541
[Hastur]
I think he was hungry.
825
00:40:24,621 --> 00:40:26,541
[Harriet] Warlock, are you
listening to me, honey?
826
00:40:26,621 --> 00:40:28,661
Look what they used to think
dinosaurs looked like.
827
00:40:28,781 --> 00:40:31,141
-Whatever.
-They're old and educational.
828
00:40:31,181 --> 00:40:32,661
-It's dumb.
-It's not dumb, sweetie.
829
00:40:32,781 --> 00:40:35,421
-It's a dinosaur.
-Dumbasaur, more like.
830
00:40:35,501 --> 00:40:37,981
Can we talk about
my birthday party?
831
00:40:38,061 --> 00:40:41,421
Why can't we have my party
in an escape room?
832
00:40:41,501 --> 00:40:42,981
[Harriet]
Honey, for the last time,
833
00:40:43,061 --> 00:40:44,141
we've already hired a...
834
00:40:44,181 --> 00:40:45,821
[Warlock] But, Mom...
835
00:40:45,901 --> 00:40:47,901
[Crowley] Well, we've
done everything we can.
836
00:40:47,981 --> 00:40:52,021
All we can do now
is wait for his birthday.
837
00:40:52,101 --> 00:40:53,701
The Hell Hound
will be the key.
838
00:40:53,821 --> 00:40:56,141
Shows up at 3:00
on Wednesday.
839
00:40:56,541 --> 00:40:58,141
Right.
840
00:40:58,181 --> 00:41:00,781
You've never actually
mentioned a Hell Hound before.
841
00:41:01,341 --> 00:41:02,581
Oh, yeah.
842
00:41:02,661 --> 00:41:04,181
Yeah, they're sending him
a Hell Hound
843
00:41:04,221 --> 00:41:07,661
to pad by his side
and guard him from all harm.
844
00:41:07,701 --> 00:41:09,861
-Oh.
-Biggest one they've got.
845
00:41:09,941 --> 00:41:11,661
Won't people remark
on the sudden appearance
846
00:41:11,701 --> 00:41:13,181
of a huge black dog?
847
00:41:13,301 --> 00:41:14,981
His parents,
for a start?
848
00:41:15,061 --> 00:41:19,301
No one will notice anything.
It's reality, angel.
849
00:41:19,381 --> 00:41:21,581
And young Warlock can do
what he likes with that,
850
00:41:21,661 --> 00:41:24,901
whether he knows it or not.
851
00:41:24,981 --> 00:41:27,421
It's the start of it all.
The boy's meant to name it.
852
00:41:27,501 --> 00:41:30,901
Um... Stalks by Night,
Throat-Ripper,
something like that.
853
00:41:30,981 --> 00:41:34,101
But if you and I
have done our job properly,
854
00:41:34,181 --> 00:41:37,461
then he'll send it away
unnamed.
855
00:41:37,541 --> 00:41:39,301
What if he does name it?
856
00:41:39,381 --> 00:41:40,981
Then you and I have lost,
he'll have all his powers,
857
00:41:41,061 --> 00:41:43,621
and Armageddon
will be days away.
858
00:41:43,661 --> 00:41:46,381
There must be some way
of stopping it.
859
00:41:47,661 --> 00:41:50,181
If there was no boy...
860
00:41:50,221 --> 00:41:51,821
then the process would stop.
861
00:41:51,901 --> 00:41:54,501
Yes, but there is a boy.
He's over there,
862
00:41:54,581 --> 00:41:57,461
writing a rude word
on a description of a dinosaur.
863
00:41:57,541 --> 00:41:58,861
[Crowley]
Well, there is a boy now.
864
00:41:58,941 --> 00:42:01,101
That could change.
865
00:42:03,501 --> 00:42:06,021
Something could happen to him.
866
00:42:07,901 --> 00:42:09,541
I'm saying
you could kill him.
867
00:42:13,981 --> 00:42:17,821
I've never actually...
killed anything.
868
00:42:21,301 --> 00:42:23,221
I don't think I could.
869
00:42:24,501 --> 00:42:28,101
Not even to save
everything?
870
00:42:30,341 --> 00:42:31,421
One life...
871
00:42:31,501 --> 00:42:33,661
against the universe.
872
00:42:38,981 --> 00:42:41,301
Then, this Hell Hound,
873
00:42:41,381 --> 00:42:42,901
it'll show up
at his birthday party?
874
00:42:42,981 --> 00:42:44,781
-Yeah.
-Well, then we should be there.
875
00:42:44,861 --> 00:42:49,661
Maybe I can stop the dog.
In fact, I could entertain.
876
00:42:49,781 --> 00:42:51,101
No, no, no.
Please, no. No.
877
00:42:51,181 --> 00:42:52,501
I just need to get back
into practice.
878
00:42:52,581 --> 00:42:54,621
Oh, no, no.
Don't do your magic act.
879
00:42:54,661 --> 00:42:57,101
-[exhales]
-Please. Please!
I'm actually begging you.
880
00:42:57,181 --> 00:42:59,981
-[coin falls to ground]
-You have no idea how
demeaning that is. Please.
881
00:43:00,661 --> 00:43:02,221
[exhaling]
882
00:43:02,341 --> 00:43:03,901
-In your finger.
-No, it was in your ear.
883
00:43:03,981 --> 00:43:06,861
-It was in your pocket.
-It was close to your ear.
884
00:43:06,941 --> 00:43:08,661
Never anywhere
near my ear.
885
00:43:08,701 --> 00:43:09,781
You're no fun.
886
00:43:09,861 --> 00:43:11,181
-Fun?
-Yes.
887
00:43:11,221 --> 00:43:13,181
It's humiliating.
888
00:43:13,221 --> 00:43:14,421
You can do proper magic.
889
00:43:14,501 --> 00:43:15,861
You can make things
disappear.
890
00:43:15,941 --> 00:43:17,061
But it's not as fun.
891
00:43:17,141 --> 00:43:19,541
Make you disappear.
892
00:43:19,621 --> 00:43:21,221
[Aziraphale]
Where has he got to?
893
00:43:21,341 --> 00:43:24,181
Is he in here... somewhere?
894
00:43:25,701 --> 00:43:27,821
There he is! Ha! This--
895
00:43:27,901 --> 00:43:29,301
-We'll come back to that one.
-[phone keyboards clicking]
896
00:43:29,381 --> 00:43:31,061
You see, it's me old top hat.
897
00:43:31,141 --> 00:43:32,661
But, wait.
898
00:43:35,021 --> 00:43:37,301
What's this?
899
00:43:38,141 --> 00:43:39,821
Could it be
900
00:43:39,901 --> 00:43:41,781
our old furry friend,
901
00:43:42,941 --> 00:43:45,701
Harry the Rabbit?
902
00:43:45,821 --> 00:43:47,381
It was in the table.
903
00:43:47,461 --> 00:43:50,341
You said there was gonna be
a celebrity magician.
904
00:43:50,421 --> 00:43:53,821
I had Penn and Teller at my
party, and I had a silent disco,
905
00:43:53,901 --> 00:43:55,781
-and I got a--
-You're rubbish.
906
00:43:55,861 --> 00:43:58,261
[child]
Excuse me, excuse me.
907
00:43:58,341 --> 00:44:01,901
He's right, you know.
You are actually rubbish.
908
00:44:01,981 --> 00:44:05,021
[quietly] Five, four,
909
00:44:05,101 --> 00:44:08,781
three, two, one.
910
00:44:10,301 --> 00:44:11,581
[Hastur]
The time is upon us.
911
00:44:11,661 --> 00:44:13,741
As soon as the boy
names the Hound,
912
00:44:13,821 --> 00:44:16,101
Armageddon will begin.
913
00:44:18,341 --> 00:44:21,661
-Go. Find your master.
-[all screaming]
914
00:44:24,661 --> 00:44:26,501
[indistinct chatter over radio]
915
00:44:26,581 --> 00:44:28,341
He's not back yet?
916
00:44:28,421 --> 00:44:30,581
He's down in Hogback Wood,
playing with his friends.
917
00:44:30,661 --> 00:44:32,461
I've told him to be home
by teatime.
918
00:44:32,541 --> 00:44:35,061
Right, well, give me a shout
when he gets back,
919
00:44:35,141 --> 00:44:38,261
then we can
light the candles.
920
00:44:38,341 --> 00:44:39,861
[no audible dialogue]
921
00:44:41,061 --> 00:44:42,901
[kids cheering]
922
00:44:47,101 --> 00:44:49,141
[shouts and screams]
923
00:44:50,981 --> 00:44:55,341
That was the best
11th birthday ever.
924
00:44:55,421 --> 00:44:57,221
It was all a bit of a disaster,
I'm afraid.
925
00:44:57,301 --> 00:44:59,621
Nonsense. You gave them all
a party to remember.
926
00:44:59,701 --> 00:45:02,461
Last one any of them
will ever have, mind.
927
00:45:02,541 --> 00:45:03,861
It's late.
928
00:45:03,941 --> 00:45:05,621
Comes of putting it
up your sleeve.
929
00:45:05,701 --> 00:45:06,781
[turns radio on]
930
00:45:06,861 --> 00:45:07,901
No.
931
00:45:09,021 --> 00:45:10,861
-[wings beating]
-The Hell Hound.
932
00:45:10,941 --> 00:45:12,781
It's late.
933
00:45:12,861 --> 00:45:14,941
[radio announcer] ...Isle of
Skye, and your time starts--
934
00:45:15,021 --> 00:45:16,941
[signal warbles]
935
00:45:17,021 --> 00:45:19,501
-[male voice on radio]
Hello, Crowley.
-Uh, hi. Who's this?
936
00:45:19,581 --> 00:45:21,821
Dagon, Lord of the Files,
937
00:45:21,901 --> 00:45:23,541
Master of Torments.
938
00:45:23,621 --> 00:45:25,901
Yeah, just checking in
about the Hell Hound.
939
00:45:25,981 --> 00:45:27,461
He should be with you by now.
940
00:45:27,541 --> 00:45:30,661
Why? Has something
gone wrong, Crowley?
941
00:45:30,741 --> 00:45:33,301
Wrong? No, no. Nothing's wrong.
What could be wrong?
942
00:45:33,381 --> 00:45:35,021
Oh, no, I see him now, yes.
943
00:45:35,101 --> 00:45:37,621
What a lovely,
big helly Hell Hound.
944
00:45:37,701 --> 00:45:39,981
Yes, OK,
great talking to you.
945
00:45:41,581 --> 00:45:42,781
No dog.
946
00:45:44,101 --> 00:45:45,621
No dog.
947
00:45:45,701 --> 00:45:47,901
Wrong boy.
948
00:45:50,221 --> 00:45:52,261
Wrong boy.
949
00:45:52,341 --> 00:45:55,501
[God] The right boy was playing
in the woods with his friends.
950
00:45:55,581 --> 00:45:57,741
After all,
it was his birthday.
951
00:45:57,821 --> 00:45:59,621
Hogback Wood
was their Eden,
952
00:45:59,701 --> 00:46:02,381
where they could play
unbothered by adults.
953
00:46:02,461 --> 00:46:05,141
The children called themselves
the "Them".
954
00:46:05,221 --> 00:46:08,901
Pepper and Brian,
Wensleydale,
955
00:46:08,981 --> 00:46:12,581
and the birthday boy, their
leader, who found their den
956
00:46:12,661 --> 00:46:16,581
and invented the best games
of all... Adam.
957
00:46:18,701 --> 00:46:21,661
[growling]
958
00:46:24,341 --> 00:46:25,981
[roars]
959
00:46:26,061 --> 00:46:28,821
It's my birthday.
Of course, I'm gonna get a dog.
960
00:46:28,901 --> 00:46:30,181
[Pepper]
You never get what you want.
961
00:46:30,261 --> 00:46:33,261
I wanted a bike,
and I asked for it.
962
00:46:33,341 --> 00:46:35,461
And I told them I wanted
a razor blade saddle,
963
00:46:35,541 --> 00:46:37,701
and 12 gears and everything.
964
00:46:37,781 --> 00:46:38,901
And do you know
what they got me?
965
00:46:38,981 --> 00:46:41,461
A girl's bike.
With a basket.
966
00:46:41,541 --> 00:46:43,741
But you are actually
a girl, Pepper.
967
00:46:43,821 --> 00:46:45,141
That's just sexist.
968
00:46:45,221 --> 00:46:47,101
I want a dog.
969
00:46:47,181 --> 00:46:48,981
[Pepper]
Oh, right. And your mum and dad
970
00:46:49,061 --> 00:46:51,181
are just going to get you a big
old Rotten-weiler, then, Adam?
971
00:46:51,261 --> 00:46:52,221
I don't want a big dog.
972
00:46:52,301 --> 00:46:54,021
[curious growl]
973
00:46:54,101 --> 00:46:57,701
I want the kind of dog you can
have fun with. A little dog.
974
00:46:57,781 --> 00:46:59,621
I want a dog that's brilliantly
intelligent,
975
00:46:59,701 --> 00:47:02,501
and can go down rabbit holes,
and I can teach tricks.
976
00:47:02,581 --> 00:47:04,661
And I'll call him...
977
00:47:04,741 --> 00:47:07,501
[God] And this is the moment.
The naming.
978
00:47:07,581 --> 00:47:10,781
This will give it its purpose,
its function, its identity.
979
00:47:10,861 --> 00:47:15,021
This is the moment that sets
Armageddon into motion.
980
00:47:16,381 --> 00:47:18,941
The Hell Hound growls a low,
rumbling snarl
981
00:47:19,021 --> 00:47:21,301
of spring-coiled menace.
982
00:47:21,381 --> 00:47:23,341
The sort of growl that starts
in the back of one throat
983
00:47:23,421 --> 00:47:26,061
and ends up deep
in someone else's.
984
00:47:26,141 --> 00:47:27,381
I think I'll call him "Dog".
985
00:47:27,461 --> 00:47:29,541
[whimpers]
986
00:47:31,021 --> 00:47:33,461
Saves a lot of trouble,
a name like that.
987
00:47:33,541 --> 00:47:35,101
And, what, this dog's
just gonna turn up?
988
00:47:35,181 --> 00:47:36,621
Maybe.
989
00:47:37,461 --> 00:47:38,981
[barks]
990
00:47:42,141 --> 00:47:43,261
Here, boy. Come on.
991
00:47:58,861 --> 00:48:01,861
[Dog whines]
992
00:48:01,941 --> 00:48:03,621
[Crowley]
Armageddon is days away,
993
00:48:03,701 --> 00:48:05,781
and we've lost the Antichrist.
994
00:48:05,861 --> 00:48:09,941
Why did the powers of Hell have
to drag me into this anyway?
995
00:48:10,021 --> 00:48:11,901
Well, don't quote me on this,
but I'm pretty sure
996
00:48:11,981 --> 00:48:13,821
it's because of all those memos
you kept sending them,
997
00:48:13,901 --> 00:48:16,181
saying how amazingly well
you were doing.
998
00:48:16,261 --> 00:48:17,861
Is it my fault
they never check-up?
999
00:48:17,941 --> 00:48:20,981
I'm to blame
they never check-up?
1000
00:48:21,061 --> 00:48:23,981
Everyone stretches the truth
a bit in memos to head office.
1001
00:48:24,061 --> 00:48:25,421
-You know that.
-Yes, but you told them
1002
00:48:25,501 --> 00:48:27,261
you invented
the Spanish Inquisition
1003
00:48:27,341 --> 00:48:29,501
and started
the Second World War.
1004
00:48:29,581 --> 00:48:32,101
So the humans beat me to it.
That's not my fault.
1005
00:48:32,181 --> 00:48:34,461
[sniffing]
1006
00:48:34,541 --> 00:48:36,061
Something's changed.
1007
00:48:36,141 --> 00:48:37,741
Oh, it's a new cologne.
My barber suggested it.
1008
00:48:37,821 --> 00:48:39,981
Not you.
I know what you smell like.
1009
00:48:43,541 --> 00:48:45,821
The Hell Hound
has found its master.
1010
00:48:45,901 --> 00:48:47,061
Are you sure?
1011
00:48:47,141 --> 00:48:49,461
I felt it.
Would I lie to you?
1012
00:48:49,541 --> 00:48:51,341
Well, obviously. You're a demon.
That's what you do.
1013
00:48:51,421 --> 00:48:54,021
No, I'm not lying.
The boy, wherever he is,
1014
00:48:54,101 --> 00:48:56,341
has the dog.
1015
00:48:56,421 --> 00:48:58,261
He's named it.
It's done.
1016
00:48:58,341 --> 00:49:00,181
He's coming into his power.
1017
00:49:01,341 --> 00:49:02,781
We're doomed.
1018
00:49:03,781 --> 00:49:04,981
Well, then...
1019
00:49:06,621 --> 00:49:08,341
welcome to the end times.
1020
00:49:11,061 --> 00:49:13,221
[theme music plays]
72945
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