Original subtitles

Oh, no fingers. What a lovely poster.

Morning, ladies.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm collecting plants. What does it look like I'm doing?

I think that's enough for one day.

Excuse me, missus, would you mind telling me the quickest way out of this

garden centre?

You queue up and pay like everybody else.

Hey, I can't pay. I haven't got any money.

Anyway, I thought this was an help yourself.

It's self -help, and that doesn't mean you can take what you like for nothing.

Self -help? Help yourself? Same difference, innit?

Yeah, well, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll jump over this here wall over

here. Try to get away with that. Hey, you stay where you are.

Don't get the matter to me, watch.

Hey, hello, dear cousin Eloise.

Hello. When are you leaving? She's not leaving. She's staying till the end of

the holidays.

Now, I want you two to try and get on. I don't want any trouble, not like last

time, all right?

Right.

Come on up.

Do you want to go to the park?

What for?

I don't know. We could play in the jungle, Jim.

Well, to you too.

Bet you can't play cricket. Bet like...

I was like a moldy old compost heap. I was a pile of rotten turnip.

Oh, she was a gummidge, I might have guessed.

Hello, Aunt Sally.

Here, look what I bought you. There's some pretty plants for you to put in

garden. I've got all sorts. I've got big ones with little flowers and little

ones with big ones.

And where might I ask, did you get them?

From the Native Gardening Centre.

The Native Gardening Centre?

Yes. You got them from the Native Gardening Centre? Get them out of my

horrible beastly plant. Get rid of them. Why, what's wrong with them?

What is wrong with her?

I don't want any nasty nettles who need the native weeds in my garden. What do

you think I am, a common colonial?

But Aunt Sally, them's the prettiest plants I could lay me hands on. Listen

me, you dunghead. My garden happens to be a British garden with British plants.

I'm not about to contaminate it with nasty colonialist weeds.

Get them off my land this instant!

Yes, Aunt Sally.

Anything you say, Aunt Sally.

You should flatten him. That's what I'd do. Don't worry.

Aunt Sally?

Yes, what is it? Are you certain that's the proper way to plant them plants? Of

course. Why?

Only I was thinking that the ones you're sucking upside down is for planting the

right side up.

What do you know about horticulture? You've never had a garden of your own?

Well, I may not have had a garden of my own, Aunt Sally, but many a time I stood

watch over cabbages and parsnips and sausages and that and watched them grow

like they was me own. And one thing I know is... As sure as my name's worth a

ledger of gummies.

And unless you stick them wiggly bits in the ground, they'll fall over, same as

what them's doing.

You stupid scarecrow. They ain't falling over. They's quilting. Now hurry up and

fetch me some plant accelerant.

Plant accelerant? What's that, Aunt Sally? Oh, you're a ticker, Amy. Plant

accelerant is what you put on gardens to make them grow proper.

You mean fertilizer.

You use that common word term in my presence. The word is plant accelerant,

I want some.

Yeah, well, I haven't got any.

Well, go to the shop and get some.

Yeah, I'm telling you. If I was to get you some of this here virgin, this here

plant, this stuff, what you put on the plants is to make them grow.

If I was to get you some of that stuff, could I have a dig in your garden?

Certainly not.

Water, butter, water. We'll be watering, Kay. Out of the question.

In that case, I am going.

Not going?

No. Not going, Wurzel Gummidge.

Unless... Yes?

Unless you was to give our Wurzel a bit of a mushy.

Right here.

Give you a mushy?

You must be off your chump.

I'd rather kiss you before... Wasn't it before the kiss?

A great, ugly, dirty animal which is only half as ugly as what you is.

Well, if that's what you really think, I may as well go back to mid -barn right

now and have a salt for a day or two.

Wurzel? Hmm?

was to fetch me the plant accelerant like what I asked, I might think about

request you made of me.

Do you really mean it, Aunt Sally?

Do you really mean it? Did you get off work, though? I'm pretty keen to kiss

you. I think about it.

Well, don't hang around like a bad milk, do we?

How's it going, Aunt Sally? How's it going? I'll be back quicker than a

can shake his tail. We've enough fertilizer for you to take a bath in.

See, kids?

Ballet Company's arrived at last.

Ah, your mum will be thrilled. She's been looking forward to this for months.

She's a great fan of the ballet, your mother.

What's so great about ballet?

Well, it's a wonderful spectacle. You've got the music and the costumes and the

dancing. Oh, you'll love it when you go along. It's really something.

Well, I'm not going. Oh, yes, you are. Both of you.

Put your names down to help with the scenery. There'll be a couple of

and the main performance on Saturday night. But I've got foot of practice.

Well, you'll just have to miss it for this week, won't you?

Put it this way. It'll be... It'll be a new experience for you. It'll be fun,

you'll see.

Bye!

There seems to be some sort of

difficulty with the accommodation.

Oh, yes, what is it now?

They've double -booked it.

There's a rugby team staying here the whole of next week. Oh, Marvin!

Well, don't just stand there. Go and find another motel.

There aren't any.

But it's all right. I've made some inquiries, and we can stay at the motor

I didn't come all the way out from England to stay in some grotty motor

the middle of nowhere. I know it's not what you're used to, Jeremy, but it's

only for a few days.

Ahem. Three miles down the road, and you turn right after the stockyards. The

trouble with you people is you're all incompetent.

God, this sort of thing would never happen in England.

Drive on, Eugene.

Clean yourself up! You're working for the valet, not some figure, eh?

There must be some fertilizer around here somewhere.

Only trouble is, there's so many somewheres to choose from.

Ah, that looks like a little fertilizer place.

Ah, ah, ah, Jeremy, I've had a look in that kitchen and it's not.

Too bad at all. The manager reckons he can fix the fridge and we've got one of

the elements working on the stove.

As for food, well... There's enough tinned vegetables to see us out the rest

the week. I don't eat tinned vegetables and I'm not sleeping in a tent.

You have got two hours to find me some decent accommodation or I'm flying back

to London tonight.

Who are you?

To me, by spying on a lady, the privacy of a sun fairy. Madam, I wasn't spying.

I was merely taking an interest.

May I compliment you on your plastic daffodils?

Très original.

Oh, I beg your pardon. I didn't realize you were British. From the old country,

of course.

Oh,

thank you very much.

Get in the car.

At your service.

I've come to New Zealand to direct the provincial touring ballet company.

Ballet? You're an enthusiast? I thought so. I can always spot a lover of dance.

Oh, it's in the blood. I can't hear a tune without leaping to my feet and

a twizzle round the floor.

How delightful.

You've no idea what a pleasure it is to meet someone who's enthusiastic about

the arts.

It's been very trying for me, stuck out here in this cultural backwater.

I know what you mean. I mean, the colonials have got no refinement.

As I was saying only the other day to His Highness Prince Charles, when he was

here on his holiday, I said, I can't wait to get back to Hobnobbing Society

home. My dear lady, if you're hungry for culture and you've got the time, why

don't you pop along to the town hall and watch our preview this afternoon?

There'll be one or two reporters there, and I understand the mayor and one or

two councillors will be attending.

The mayor?

Oh, that's quite different. Of course, I can't be absolutely certain until I

consult my social calendar, but I'll try and squeeze you in. Splendid. See you

there. Yes.

First night, sir.

Must be in here somewhere.

Hey,

what have we got here?

Sheep's a dip. Not bad smelling sheep's a dip, neither.

Ah, I'd know that pong anyway.

That's fertilizer, Daddy.

Come on, fertilizer.

Oh, come

on,

son. I haven't got all day.

I'm not going.

Don't take that attitude, son.

Oh, look, there's your wee pal Robert. Now, he doesn't think it's sissy. Now,

come on, what do you say?

I'm not wearing tights. They're not tights.

They're leotards.

Now, don't be stupid.

If you think they're so great, why don't you wear them?

Right, that's quite enough of that. Go on, get out of the car. Get your thick

ear.

It's over chassé, through the bed, lifted up, over there.

Mr.

Carr, in a minute.

Excuse me, would you mind getting off the stage? The rehearsal is about to

begin.

Well, look, lady, you're in the road. Now, time to move along.

I don't know if you know who thinks you is, but I happen to be a friend of the

director. Oh, all right, all right, madam. Now, we don't want any trouble.

For that too, please. Please, please settle down.

Cork, cork, carry and throw.

Derry down, derry down, derry down, dog.

Watching Camilla mending his pyjamas.

With her hair and the derry down thing. Now, I'm feeling it.

Terran, do the... trees know what they're doing. Yes, we've been through

once. All right, everybody, from the top, Veronica's entrance. Strawberry

gently.

It's wonderful.

Veronica, my dear.

Is she all right? Of course not. She's just gone through the floor. Can she

carry on? Of course she can't carry on, you idiot. Look at that ankle. Take her

backstage and put some ice on it.

This would never have happened if you'd hired a professional venue. How can

anybody possibly be expected to perform in this worm -riddled flea pit?

So, what are you going to do? We're going to cancel the show. We can't

continue with her in that state.

God, this whole tour has been a farce from beginning to end. Look, I'm sorry

interrupt. I know it's very short notice, but I've had many years training

the ballet.

Arabesque, pirouanes, jetties. I know them all.

I don't mean to advertise my talent, but if the dancer you need...

But are you familiar with Hubert de Selby's interpretation of the Brides of

Windsor? Intimately, I know them backwards.

Really? What a stroke of luck.

Well, let's not waste any more time. Come backstage and we'll find you

to wear.

Derry doll, derry doll, derry doll.

Aunt Patty.

Wait.

Now.

Aunt Patty, stop that there dancing. Come down here and give old Wurzel a

-kissy like what you promised him.

I've got your fertilizer here.

Go away or I'll pull your arms out.

You wouldn't do that to old Wurzel. How can I go scared for him without me arms?

All right, children. Get on your bike and take that stinking load of muck with

you. Stinking muck yourself.

Listen, you've got two choices here.

You can go out nice and quietly, or you can go out flat on your face.

Well, if so, the same to you. I'll go out nice and quietly.

If I post that to my face, it washes me covered.

That is absolutely appalling.

Get her off. I can't do that. The preview's due to start in a few minutes.

you understand?

There is not going to be a preview. The performance is over, finished.

And that woman, whoever she is, get her out of here.

Jeremy, it's going to look very bad if you cancel at this late stage.

bought tickets.

Get them their money back. I can't do that. I've already spent it.

On what?

Oh, Jeremy, what do you think?

Okay,

he's not exactly Hanna Poplova, but this isn't the Bolshoi Ballet either.

What exactly do you mean by that?

Well, let's face it. It's a daggy little show anyway.

No, isn't it?

This may be just a daggy little show to you, but the ballet is my career. And

if all you can do is sit there and make snide remarks... Then I suggest you take

a walk out that door and don't come back.

I could take the wrong turn in.

The mayor and the newspaper critics are here.

Tell them to perform at the golf. I can't face them.

Golf is so humiliating. I've done it. It's no worse than a beer.

I've got your fertilizer.

Anselm, you ain't mad at your old Wurzel just because he had a bit of an

accident with your fertilizer, is ya?

I'll kill you! No, Anselm!

Anselm!

Anselm! Anselm! Anselm!

Anselm! Anselm!

Come on. We'll go and sit down over there for a bit and you'll feel much

It's no use.

Everything I touch turns to ashes.

I'm a failure.

A complete and utter failure. Oh, now, now, now, Jeremy.

You know that isn't true. It's just you've had a little run of bad luck,

all. Very kind of you to say so, Terence, but the truth is I haven't got

takes anymore. I don't deserve to direct a chorus line, let alone a ballet

company. Oh, God.

I couldn't direct traffic.

The remarkable thief, white and quiet.

I especially like him.

Really? That's playbook choreography.

You know, you're covering some very original ground.

Well, I try to introduce something new into every performance.

To keep things fresh, one needs a certain degree of improvisation. I'd

do a profile article on you for the New Zealand Times, if I may.

Really? Well, I don't see why not. Of course, my time is very precious at the

moment. I first started my career when I was... For Rickman's work, we were

doing Panto.

I had a wonderful time as artistic director of the National Theatre of

Gibraltar. That's when I first encountered Ugo De Selby's work, and, as

know, became a world expert.

Waddle, don't eat!

Come back here now!

You don't

cry, Aunt Sally. Oh, Waddle's here.

You can do what you like now, oh, Waddle. Only don't nibble.

I'm snivelling. I want to snivel myself.

My pretty, pretty body flew off my head.

Oh, don't worry about that, Aunt Sally. Old Wurzel will get it back for you.

Take his knife, please.

Don't worry.

I'll have it.

There he is. Put that back on your bonce.

Aunt Sally, Old Wurzel's in a bit of trouble here.

Please don't, Sally, if it's all the same to you.

Well, I'm very sorry, Werther, but I can't offer land.

But I can offer you something else. Oh, what's that?

Amen.