All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S10E13.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

Back in the '80s,
Beverly Goldberg

was a certified super mom.

Kissy monster attack!

She raised three kids
with a parenting style
that was uniquely her own.

Mom!

But now my sister had a baby.-

And it was Erica's turn
to do her mom thing.

Man, this girl
is cranky.

What's your deal, baby?

I know you don't have words,
but tell me!

Oh, that's my rock.
Always cool under pressure.

Sorry, it's just
really frustrating

not being able
to calm her.

Let's just call
the pediatrician,

or that Army doctor
that watches the president.

Relax. The only healer
you need is Dr. Bev.

Mom, go back to making
an impossibly heavy lunch.

My 12-bean chili can wait.

12? Isn't that
just all the beans?

Don't engage her.
Mom, we got this.

Do you?

What if she has diaper rash,
or cradle cap, or cooties,

or Pac-Man fever?

I'm pretty sure
some of those are made up

and one is a song?

Just let me use
my sure-fire method

of soothing any baby.

Don't say
a chicken bone.

A chicken bone,
nature's pacifier.

I'm not letting my baby gnaw
on a day-old drumstick.

Why is that
in your pocket?

You don't ask Shakespeare
why he carries a quill.

Face it, Mom.

Your baby tricks
are weird and outdated.

Excuse me, but I have raised
three children

who are all
now thriving adults.

Hey, anyone know
what day it is?

I have a dental appointment
on Friday.

It's Saturday.

Well, my intense
jaw pain

will probably go away
on its own, right?-

Terrible news!

I was playing playground
basketball and lost!

The other guys were cheating
by being taller and fitter!

Oh, Poopie!

Your heart is racing.

I punted their ball
into the woods,

but it only settled me down
a little.

Well, I have the solution

for both my Schmoos
right here.

Barry, this ol' bone
should ease your restless mind.

All my worries
are melted away
with the power of chicken.

Wh-- If Barry gets a bone,
I want one.

Of course you do. Mm.

You can't argue
with results, Erica.

You've certainly done
a number on these two.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was February 15th,
1980-something.

Barry and I had been sharing
a bedroom as adult brothers.

And this is pretty much
how it was going.

Gah! The hell, Barry?

Cross at your own risk.

This sliver of space
is now my training dojo.

Kee-ya!

There's the entire outside
for you to pretend
what you do matters.

'Chuck in nature where
the elements also attack?

Think before you speak.

Turns out, my childhood bedroom

was way too cramped
for two grown men.

Why are you blocking
my path?

Why are you
wearing a towel

- around your nipples
like a lady?
- Wow.

And, of course, I had
a serious girlfriend.

Not that Barry cared.

Carmen, I miss your face.

I haven't seen you in...
37 excruciating minutes.

The hell, dude?

The thought of you
being romantic disgusts me.

And if we're being honest,
probably her.

But even worse than
the small space,

we were both very stubborn.

- Get the lights.
- Already tucked in.
You get 'em.

- I got in bed first.
- You're closer.

And now you're closer.

How incredibly petty.
I'm impressed.

I will stand here all night.

I know how much you need
your precious darkness.

My jacked eyelids will be
my blackout curtains.

I'll kill you
and everyone you know

and some you don't!

You're right by
the light switch!

Just hit it
and end this!

I'd rather
never sleep again.

Fine by me!
Good night!

Good night to you, too!

What is going on in here?

I need to move out.

Ideally,
to a modern penthouse

with a 360-degree view
and a live-in butler.

But I'll take a slightly
lower level and a sassy maid.

You could stay here
and I'll be your sassy maid.

Fun stuff.

Now get on the horn
with the Realtor

and see what's available
near the mayor's mansion.

So, I'm paying
for you to leave me?

I'm a medical student.

Well, you're also an adult.
So figure it out on your own.

Yesterday you
brushed out my hair

as I was watching
"Scooby-Doo!"

You're my little Shaggy,
and you're not going anywhere.

Mwah!

I need
to get out of here.

I've never been
with you more.

- Now turn out the lights!
- Never!

Out of funds and options,

Barry went to the JTP,

his best buds,
who would never refuse him.

- No way.
- Pass.

- Sorry, bud.
- But it's me, Barry!

The original guy, Barry!

We love you, Big Tasty,
but we've got no room.

What about my old room?

The one with all
the holes in the wall

from your homemade
hunting bow?

You mean the adorable
peek-a-boo holes

I made to the kitchen?-It's my room now.

No way!

Andy can sleep in a drawer,
or a shoe box,

or whatever box you use
to ship one Skittle.

First, I would
be average height
if we lived in Ecuador.

And I think what
you just said highlights
the main problem here,

you were
a crappy roommate.

This is news to me.

You regularly ate our food
even though it was labeled.

I'm a hungry
and hilarious wild card
that you root for!

You wore my only suit
to go waterskiing.

I brought your pants back.

But do you bring
the rent money?

My rent will be paid
in sordid tales

of what it was like
to live with me

before I was famous.-

Think how rich in stories
the poor losers are

who lived with pre-"Miami Vice"
Don Johnson.

So, we're the poor losers
in this scenario
and you're Don Johnson?

I didn't hear a no.

- No.
- Big no from me.

no.

As Barry's tale of woe
fell on deaf ears,

my mom was hearing
a different kind of sadness.

I'm sorry, does anyone else
hear a crying baby?

Sure do.-Loud and clear.

Okay, fine.
I'll just go and...

Bup-bup!

Geoff and I are gonna
let her cry it out.

Cry it out?

According to Dr. Ferber,

Muriel can
regulate herself.

Your words are insane!

I'm not gonna let my baby
regulate herself!

My baby.

A very important and
too often repeated distinction.

I need to help
my granddaughter.

Muriel, it's Bubbe.

Let my voice
be your blanket.

Stop it!

- Geoff, pin my mom's arms!
- Muriel!

Can't do it.
There are too many scenarios

- where I end up
in a trauma center.
- All right.

- Grandma's here.
- Gah!

I can't be here right now!

I'm taking the baby
to the park.

You did the right thing
by not touching me, Geoff.

You honor me
with your fear.

And so, fed up with my mom,

Erica took Muriel
for a change of scenery.

But she got a lot more
than that.

Oh, she's adorable!

Oh, thanks!

If you saw her
10 minutes ago,

she sounded like
a tiny tornado siren.

This one
looks unassuming,

but she's coming
off a diaper that could
knock out Ivan Drago.

Muriel has sent me
to the canvas

a few times.-

- I'm Erica, by the way.
- Lauren.

And this is Hazel.

Oh, you are
too cute, Hazel.

Are those
baby Jordaches?

We're matching for
our daily park walk.

Whoa. You come here
every day?

Between naps
three and four.

We're pretty drilled
into our routine.

I think I've left the house
twice in five months.

Both times to pick up
baby wipes.

Once for the kid and once
because my husband ate ribs.

While Erica made
a new mom friend,

living with my brother
was getting old.

What the...

Morning, bro.

Why am I
in the hallway?

Your sleeping
was bothering me.

Was I snoring
or something?

No, I just didn't like

that you were
smugly enjoying a dream

and I was stuck
in the lame waking world.

That's funny, because I was
beating you up in my dream.

Impossible.

In every realm
I'd dominate you.

You were crying
and begging me to stop.

Also, you said you loved
the Dallas Cowboys.

No!

Go back to sleep right now
and fix it!

- I'll tuck you in!
- Get off me!

Hello!

I heard the chittering
of conversation.

Is your mom here?

She's out speed walking,
which is just
what I call walking.

My losing streak continues.

My Science-a-bration
is ruined.

Your what?

It's my week-long
scholastic party

honoring
the wonders of science.

And this year, I finally landed
Slim Goodbody.

Noice! Who's that?

Allow me to show you.

Make sure you eat
a rainbow of foods every day.

Yep, before Google,

this guy was how
we learned the human form.

He is a hero
of the edu-tainment world.

And he was all mine.

Until he bailed
for his niece's bat mitzvah
in Ann Arbor.

I guess family
is more important than $1,000.

Dollars.
I heard dollars.

All for prancing around
in his veiny underwear?

Plus lodging, travel,

and for some reason,
500 red M's.

That's enough cash
for a down payment
on an apartment!

- We're in!
- We?

- In what?
- Think about it.

Who's crushing
medical school right now,

a place where
they educate people

about the human body?

Weirdly, you.

And who famously brings
light entertainment

to the school stage?

- Me.
- See?

I'm the "edu",
you're the "tainment."

If it'll get you out
of my room, I'm in!

- Let's edu-tain some kids!
- Yes!

History would tell me
to say no,

but I need to trust
my leaky gut.

Deal.

As Barry concocted a plan
to find his way

out of the house...-

...my sister's new friend
was dropping in.

I brought wine
for our coffee cups!

Oh, my God, stop.
Come in!

Hi there!

I'm the mom behind the mom,
Beverly Goldberg.

This is Lauren.
And that's Geoff.

Grandiose gobs of greetings.

Don't.-
Save the gold, got it.

You two are famous.

Erica's my new best friend,

which makes our babies
best friends.

Oh, I'll always
be Erica and Muriel's

first and only best friend,

but that's a fun way to say
something totally untrue.

Okay, we should skedaddle.

Geoff, can you
feed the baby?

Already handled
by Mama Supreme.

Milk and formula,
just like you said.

Then I sprinkled in some cereal
to sweeten it up.

- Wazdatnow?
- Wait, you gave
a little baby cereal?

Just Boo Berry.

I shook the bottle
to make the milk blue.

She gobbled it right up.
Yum-yum!

Cereal's a choking hazard.

Please!
Yesterday I was making
shrimp parm,

and I gave Muriel
a prawn to gnaw on.

She loved it.

What if she has
a shellfish allergy?

Yeah, what if my daughter
has a shellfish allergy?

Can you imagine?

- Ah!
- Yikes.

You know, it's none
of my business,

but I am noticing
the exposed outlets
right there.

You might want to consider
baby-proofing.

Oh, in this house
we don't baby-proof.

We Bubbe-proof.

Which means that
Bubbe, me,

never takes her eyes off
the baby, she, ever.

C'mon, Erica.
It's not her fault.

She's just from
a different time.

Bye!

Well, who the
does she think she is?

Um, Erica's new friend?

I'm Erica's friend.

Maybe this one time,

you should just
go with the flow?

Go with the flow.

Yeah.

That's me. That's me.

I'm gonna choose to take
your icy and distant stare

as thoughtful reflection.

Yay! We're all
good people here!

Nobody believed that.

Barry needed money bad.

So he hoped a gig
in edu-tainment
would help him close the deal.

Congrats!

You have been handpicked
to be a test audience

for a new show
about the human body.

- Handpicked.
- I was forced here.

This isn't
a lasagna tasting?

And now we present to you
"Organs 'n' Friends."

Ow!

Howdy! Hearty Marty here!

And I'm Olivia Liver!

As your heart,

I move blood throughout
your whooole body!

And, man, does that
get me pumped!

It's 'cause hearts pump.

- That's great.
- Halt the show!

JTP, thoughts so far?

- Adorable!
- I want a liver
for my niece!

I'm invested
and crave more!

Exactly. You guys
all hate it, too.

I mean, look
at this pathetic puppet.

Hearts don't have eyes.

You were looking
for a realistic heart?

And the lady liver
has a nose.

Does she smell
or regulate chemical levels
and excrete bile?

Is that a science
question?

Because I don't even know
where the sun goes at night.

You should probably
know that.

And where is the song
about the toe fungus,

or the cluster migraine,
or the monologue

by a charred lung
of a lifelong smoker?

Do kids even need
to know that stuff?

Do I?

Isn't this just about
getting your money
so you can move out?

As an almost doctor,
I demand perfection.

Throw it all out.
Start all over.

I'm gonna do the only
reasonable thing.

Everything I ask?

I quit!

Me, too!

Fine! Good edu-tainment
doesn't need the "tainment",

just the "edu."

That's right.

William Penn students
are about to get educated.

That's just school.

I don't think he gets it.

I am so happy
he doesn't live with us.

Barry was learning
a hard lesson in edu-tainment.

My mom would soon learn

that going with the flow
wasn't so easy.

Thanks for helping me
carry in my groceries.

Oh, the pleasure is mine.

That's a lie.

I have a pinched nerve
in my back,

and I shouldn't be carrying
these or anything else.

Well, let me give you
a tranquilizer

my doctor said
I didn't need,

but that
I demanded anyway.

Well, that's strange.

Allow me.

I have a sturdy core
from my days

of baton twirling.

Right behind you.

Tricky pistachio!
How did you get that open?

Don't freak out,
but Erica hired
a baby-proofing guy.

Our house had been covered...

...padded, gated, and locked.

And there was only
one person to blame.

That new mom friend.

I forget her name.

- Lauren.
- Lauren.

Oh, good, you're home.

Look, I know you said no,
but the guys at Boo Boo Busters

did an amazing job
making this a safe environment.

In that moment, my mom
could either go nuclear

or take Geoff's advice
to go with the flow.

Agreed. I love it.

Please thank Lauren
for me.

For real?

I'm just surprised
because it felt like

you guys
did not hit it off.

Well, she really
seems to know
what she's talking about.

She's a total pro.

Maybe she could even
help pry you
out of the baby Stone Age.

Maybe.

I'm gonna get the baby
ready for her music class
at Lauren's.

Ta!

You're going to that
baby music class, aren't you?

It's time I showed
her little mama pal

who knows more
about parenting.

As my mom prepared
for a takedown,

Barry was studying the master.

I just need a fresh new idea
that visually depicts

the inner workings
of the human body.

- Like something where
you show the organs?
- Yes.

- And put them
on your person?
- You're getting it.

And then,
you dance around and sing?

All those things!

Isn't that just
Slim Goodbody's whole act?

Yes! I'll just do
what he does.

But that was easier
said than done.

This has, like, 200 bones.

The human body has 206!

Next.

Too simple.

What was I thinking?

- No one reads.
- We can read that.

Yeah, I can read it fine,
to be honest with you.

I mean, I-I read--
I read all the time.

Yes!

Ohh!

This is the one.

Uh, Bar, it's a little,
um, revealing.

Oh, no!

Yeah, looked like my bro
had to give up.

That is, until...

Stop!

I just had
a very meaty idea.

Is it that you're gonna make
a suit outta cold cuts?

To the local meatery!

With that, Barry had
a new beat on his act.

Meanwhile, Erica's music class
had just begun.

And we're hearing
the glockenspiel.

Figured this would be
more of a...

a clap your macaroni shaker
type of deal.

Ms. Lizzy has a PhD

in musicology
and child development.

She's also a loon,
so don't make eye contact.

- Sorry I'm late!
- Mom?

And sorry to the white Mercedes
I love-tapped backing in.

Oh, that was me.

I'm sure it'll buff out.

Now, why don't we try
a collective choral experience?

Um, how about
"Old MacDonald"?

Unfortunately,
"Old MacDonald"

is not on our
approved song list.

Yeah, see, the goal is
to create an environment

free of negativity
and judgment.

And "Old MacDonald"
is a horrid tale

of animal imprisonment.

Old MacDonald treated
all of his animals

- with dignity and respect.
- Mm.

Then, he eats them, so...

Let's not forget
the number one rule

we laid out
in the beginning of class...

♪ If we say it,
we can sing it ♪

Say what now?

♪ You must sing
everything ♪

♪ Use your mouth ♪

♪ Fine, then,
I will sing my thoughts ♪

♪ I'd prefer
if you did not ♪

♪ It's okay ♪

♪ Let's hear
what backwards nonsense ♪

♪ She has to say ♪

♪ The only backwards
thing here is you ♪

♪ And also Ms. Lizzy's
attitude... ♪

...towards deodorant.

Okay, time out
on the scary singing.

Yeah, she's
ruining my class.

Shove your music class
and your baby-proofing.

You've been a mom
for five minutes.

You don't know crap.

Come on, Erica.

No.

Mom, did you ever think
that maybe you don't have

all the answers
about parenting?

I've raised
three children.

I think I know plenty.

Maybe you weren't as good
of a mom as you thought.

Here's your
side-view mirror.

The Science-a-bration
was falling flat.

And Mr. Glascott hoped
that Barry could pick it up.

What an inspired performance
by the dancing molar!

Be better, Alan.

I can't believe I agreed
to come to this.

I'm just here to see what
Barry brings to the table,

namely, a meat suit.

Meat suit?

That's all the context
you need.

Last up, we couldn't get
the real Slim Goodbody,

so, parents and students,
please welcome...

Barry Insides.

- Ohhhh, no.
- Whoo!

Oh, yes.

Instead of a perfectly good
puppet show,

my brother stapled
a bunch of lunch meat

to his body.

Oh, that is pungent
and horrifying.

And is that your
family dog behind you?

Lucky followed me here.
Just ignore her.

Hi, kids and parents!

It's me, Barry Insides!

I'm here to give you
a graphic look

at the insides
of all our bodies.

It wasn't educational
or entertaining.

He just turned the kids
off science
and deli meats forever.

Check out my hyper-realistic
lower intestines!

I think this is going
really good.

Who wants to come up here

and feel how wet and squishy
my bladder is?

No, girl.-

Okay.
You know what?

Uh, let's just move on
to refreshments.

Yep, only Lucky was eating up
Barry's performance.

Meanwhile,
Erica had to apologize

for the scene my mom made.

Erica, hi.

Look, I feel
so bad about...

- Is everything okay?
- Totally.

Just, you know, hour six
of a screaming, crying fit.

Oh, I can come back.

No, no, it's fine.
Everything's fine.

Just, um,
like Dr. Ferber said,

baby's gotta learn
to self-soothe.

Oh, my gosh, it's so hard!

She sleeps
when she should eat.

She eats
when she should nap.

And if she doesn't nap,
then I don't sleep.

And I'm so desperate!

I can't believe
I'm suggesting this,

but... there is one thing
you could try.

Chicken bone.
Who knew?

I learned it
from my mom.

Of course you did.

I don't know
how she did it.

- Did what?
- Raise three kids.

I mean,
one's impossible.

I thought you had it
all figured out.

The truth is,
I'm completely lost.

Being a mother
is so hard.

Yeah, for all mothers,
I guess.

When your child is being
stubborn and difficult,

it is a pain
like no other.

Dammit.

I'm starting
to see that now.

Why can't our daughters
just understand

that we're trying
to help them

and make their lives easier,
you know?

One day,
I think they will.

Sucks about
the show...

and that we're still stuck
doing this.

I don't
wanna talk about it.

How did an adult man
dressing in a meat costume

go so wrong?

What's so funny?

Glascott's face when he saw
all that disturbing meat.

I put kielbasa
on my body.

Man, Lucky really
went to town on you.

I know.

Yep, it was the kind of laugh

you could only share
with someone so close.

The kind that, to this day,
can still bring us to tears.

♪ Ooh, you make me live ♪

- Hey, Ad?
- Oh.

We got our whole lives
to live on our own.

Maybe sharing this room
isn't the worst thing ever.

Yeah. We've got it
pretty good.

♪ I really love you ♪

Good night, pal.

♪ Oh, you're
my best friend ♪

Same to you.

Sometimes all it takes
to patch things up...

...is to lighten up.

But then again,
taking back our words

doesn't always come easily.

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

What was that for?

Mom
I'm so sorry for what I said

and for every time
that I pushed you away

or called you
out of touch.

So all my parenting tricks
don't make you upset?

Oh, they do.

But they also make me
the luckiest daughter,

and mom, ever.

♪ Oh, you're
my best friend ♪

Moms need other moms.

They really do.

♪ Ooh, you make me live ♪

When you're so close
to the people you love,

it's hard to see
the bigger picture.

The one that only comes
into focus

when you spend
so much time together.

Yeah.

♪ I'm happy at home ♪

And we're the luckiest
when we get to do it all...

♪ You're my best friend ♪

...over and over again.

- Get it while it's hot!
- Whoa!

Big Tasty, a barbecue feast
just for us?

You know it!

These ribs fall
right off the bone.

Yeah, they do!

Mnh. Got something
stuck in my teeth.

Is that a clothing label?

I-- I got
something, too.
It's a button.

Barry, why is it
a button?

Oopsy-doopsy.

Is all this
from your meat suit?

Of course it is!

But you wore these meats
out in the sun,

not to mention
your filthy car!

- Can I move in now?
- Never!

Lucky had the right idea
going for the sausage.