All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S10E11.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb_track3_[eng]

Back in the '80s,
I was a creative force.

I directed mini-blockbusters...

I'll fix it in post.

...starred in school plays,

and wrote masterpieces
late into the night.

But that changed
when I got a job.

I was a singing waiter
at a '50s diner,

which meant my only
creative outlet was this.

♪ On the islands
There's no ifs, ands, or buts ♪

♪ We're gonna get coconuts ♪

Yeah,
it was the same song and dance,
but I gave it my all...

...every day.

♪ We're gonna get coconuts ♪

Every single day.

♪ Coconuts ♪

Like, every one of them.

♪ ...conuts ♪

Even my mom saw the light
dying in my eyes,

so she did what always worked,

inspired me
with a grand purchase.

Surprise!

I bought you Apple's
first portable computer.

Portable? That looks huge.

Oh, it's only 16
barely-back-breaking pounds.

You can take it anywhere
as long as you stretch first.

And isn't that
incredibly expensive?

Big time, but with this,
you'll open doors
to your imagination.

PC World called it,
"Powerful and cumbersome."

- I think I'm all set.
- Nonsense.

You need to get back
to your real passion, writing.

Let me just
turn this on for you.

Ah, listen
to all that metal working.

Yeah, I'm just not
really feeling the juices
flowing today, so...

Then let Mama be your muse.

Drink me in
and then write about

the white-hot love
I bring out in you.

You certainly
elicit a response.

Then put me in a script.

You could pen the sequel
to Throw Momma from the Train.

Only this time,
keep her on the train.

What a fun idea.

You start hacking away at that,

while I run upstairs
and put the finishing touches
on giving up.

Schmoo, come back!

This thing can go anywhere.

Oh.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
Clearer every day ♪

It was January 11,
1980-something,

and Erica was meeting
with her new mom group.

So, after I switched
nipple creams,

he finally latched onto me,
no problem.

Oh, if parenthood
has taught me anything,

it's that there is
a cream for everything.

Yep, creams.

There's so much excitement
in those little tubes.

Oh, Barb, by the way,
how are your hemorrhoids?

Yeah, I'm not really
comfortable right now.

Oh, how rude of me.

I didn't even
offer you a pillow

to sit on to ease the pain.

I, too, have bottom issues,
so, you know.

O-kay, any other topic
of conversation?

I've got one.

Anyone else sensing the dynamic
of our mom group is a bit off?

I know exactly
what you mean, Cynthia.

I'm not sure you do.

Diane was supposed to be
on snack duty,

and here I am with nary
a Fig Newton to chew on.

Oh, look at the time.

Yeah, I think
I've gotta go, too.

But we just got started.

Should we talk about next week?

Maybe a wine bar?
I pour a heavy Grigio.

Erica, it's time to have
that conversation.

Okay, well, bye, Barb.
Bye, Trish.

What's this conversation
everyone's saying
we're due for?

- Bye, Erica.
- Look, sweetie--

Is it about Trish's
postpartum night sweats?

'Cause maybe don't overshare
so much, girlfriend.

Gosh, I'm so glad
we have this group

to make us feel not so alone.

Yeah. Can you take the baby
for her nap, please?

Diaper and nap duty in one day?
Sign me up!

Ha-ha! Your husband ruined
your dumb lady group.

Did you make yourself
a campfire treat?

The microwave makes
the marshmallows crazy sticky,

much like the situation

you find yourself in.

I know. It's a mom group,
and he's not a mom.

Figure it out, my guy.

Blech! Twelve s'mores
is one too many.

But I just don't have
the heart to tell him

that no one wants him here.

Maybe you can?

Well, I'd happily break

his heart
into a million pieces,

but you asked me,
so now I don't wanna.

Come on. Just take him
to hang with the JTP.

Well, it is
Andy Cogan's birthday.

Yes, do that.

She went right down.

Barbara's intermittent rocking
technique totally helped.

I can't wait to tell everyone
at our parent group.

Mom group.

As Erica
wanted to get rid of Geoff,

my mom was about to take in
some real drama at school.

I bring news.

Ms. Cinoman is taking
a leave of absence

to produce her one-woman show,

A Love Story With Myself.

I read an early draft.

One of the characters was wine.

She's a giant mess.

But the immediate issue
is the Winter Gourd Fest.

These Quakers will
really celebrate anything.

We have no one to direct
our musical program.

I have the perfect solution.

Uh, my son
is in a creative rut,

but it's been well-documented

that he's a genius
in all things entertainment.

Not so fast.
My production of Oklahoma!

inspired the school's newspaper
cleverly worded review

"OK is Okay."

Well, the choice is clear.

It's Adam,
and nobody else wants the job.

I can do it. I spent four years

studying at the Royal Academy
of Dramatic Art in London.

- Adam accepts.
- And I absolutely adore gourds.

Plus, I minored in theater,

which is a major accomplishment.

You are all way more qualified
than I imagined.

Yeah, but it's gonna be
my Schmoo, or so help me,

I will burn
this school to ashes
with all of you in it.

- I withdraw.
- Not worth it.

I have no doubt
she would do it.

Ah! Yay!

My boy earned his place,
and all of you support him.

And just like that,

I was back at William Penn.

Only problem was, it was under
very false pretenses.

And here we are.

I don't understand.

Why would Alyssa Milano
want to meet me here?

I lied. But congratulations!

You're the new director
of Winter Gourd Fest.

You may thank and kiss me now.

Mom, I appreciate the thought,

but I've always hated
Winter Gourd Fest.

It's by far my least favorite
of the four annual gourd shows.

But here you can immerse
yourself in the dramatic arts

without having to take orders
for cheese fries.

I don't know.

I have Tuesday and Thursday
afternoons off, I guess.

He said yes. He said yes!

Don't make it seem
like a marriage proposal.

How many kids
signed up to audition?

Too many to count
on one finger.

Let's see what
we're working with.

Turns out,
a pretty mixed bag.

♪ I'm just a gourd ♪

♪ A lonely, lonely gourd ♪

♪ A butternut squash
Who longs to be adored ♪

Thank you.

I'm doing it. The doctors
were wrong about me.

Thank you.

♪ I take my scythe
And I cut the wheat ♪

♪ And I bring it home
And the wheat, I eat ♪

♪ And it tastes so sweet ♪

♪ And I think that's neat ♪

♪ That wheat would taste
So sweet to eat ♪

Thank you.

While I had
my work cut out for me,

Barry was working on getting
Geoff back in the JTP.

JTP reunited with Geoff.

JTP reunited with Geoff!

Hey, what's with
the video tape?

Oh, Muriel rolled over,
and I got it on film.

Should we ask the bartender
to play it on that TV?

I will! She said, "No."

We are gathered here to support
the birth of Andy Cogan

by watching his favorite sport,
ladies wrestling.

Is this GLOW, the
Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling
from TV?

No, this is PLOW--

The Pennsylvania Ladies
of Wrestling.

'Cause we're all gonna get
plowed tonight.

Barkeep, a round of your
least-finest tequila.

Drinky-drink!

Uh, ma'am, pull back
one of those tequilas
and set me up with a tall milk.

Milk? But how
will you make bad decisions
and say things you regret?

What if Erica calls
with a baby emergency?

Like what?

Like she says her first word,
but it's a full sentence,

and it's complicated
and disturbing,

like, "Why does God
allow pain to exist?"

Maybe the answer
is in this shot glass.

Put 'em back,
boys and dairy lovers.

Hey, want to buy us a drink?

Uh, hell yeah.

Uh, ladies, this is Andy.

- It's his birthday.
- Yeah, it is.

And he likes strange women
walking up to him.

- Yeah, I do.
- And he's currently
very single.

- Yeah, I am.
- Not me, though.

I got a wife and kid at home.
You want to see a photo
of my little one?

Be warned,
you will "aww" from cuteness.

Eh, it's probably for the best.

Those ladies
seemed a tad eager.

Yeah, we hate that.

- So much.
- It's my birthday, dude.

And now,
ladies and mostly gentlemen,

prepare to get PLOW-ed!

Yes! It's starting!

First up, Gemstone
vs Sandra Day O'Slaughter!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Okay, Gemstone is my favorite.

I once saw her crush
a watermelon with her thighs.

Best picnic ever!

It's exciting because women
usually work it out by talking.

- Go, Sandra!
- Go, Gemstone!

Go, both of you!
Everybody wins!

Yeah, I think
I'm just gonna take off. Guys?

All right, see ya.

As Geoff
was out for the count,

I was finishing up
my own number.

♪ We're gonna get coconuts ♪

I heard several
full conversations

throughout my performance,
so thanks for that.

Yeah, we gotta talk.

You've been recast.
Here's your new scene partner.

You mean a dance number
with a mop,

like Fred Astaire
with a hat rack?

No, you're the new janitor.
Now moppy-mop.

- Wait, what?
- Dude, some people just aren't
meant to be entertainers.

Like, specifically you.

But that's my whole thing.

I'm a triple threat.
I act, I write, I direct.

You're still a triple threat.
Mop, rinse, bucket.
Watch out, dirt.

There's my prince of gourds.

Here's the thing,
I ain't doing that.

Directing a musical tribute
to pumpkins and squash

is an opportunity
of a lifetime.

Is it?

Is it?

I'm actually
asking the question

because I don't know
what anything means anymore.

Fine. Who says
that the Winter Gourd Fest
has to be about gourds?

I think everybody.

Nonsense.

Cold-weather vegetables
are merely a suggestion.

Really? So I can do anything?

Since you seem slightly sad,

I will say yes for now
and then deal
with the certain fallout.

- Oh, Mama, you did it again!
- Yes!

And whatever you come up with
will surely celebrate

the most perfect person
in your life.

I'll humor you with a maybe.

To my new burly computer.

With that,
I got to work on an idea

that had been rattling around
in my head forever.

I stayed up all night and wrote
what future generations
will hail as a masterpiece.

I present to you
Blade Runner: The Musical!

Any questions?

There were more than a few.

Adam F. Goldberg is back, baby!

Geoff's night out with the JTP
hadn't exactly gone as planned.

Hey, hon. How was being
with your best buds?

Much better than sitting around
with a bunch of moms,
am I right?

It was terrible.
We're completely
different people now.

Like, different in a way
you still want to hang out

on Saturday evenings
at 5:00 p.m.?

They're so immature.

They wanted to watch
ladies wrestle,
possibly in mud.

Sweetie, I don't mind
if you watch ladies wrestling
every Saturday night.

You can even wrestle with them.

Anyway, how was
the parent group?

It was better than usual.

Lots of estrogen,
everyone felt comfortable.

Ah, we're so lucky
to have them.

With that,
it was time for Erica
to tell her husband the truth.

Or go find Barry
and make him do it.

What the hell, dude?

You were supposed to yank Geoff
back into the JTP.

Dadhood has ruined him.

He used to just be
an anxious buzzkill.

Now he's a full-blown
party pooper.

Maybe you guys are the poopers.

And stop worrying about Geoff
and grow up.

I am fully grown.

Mom's friend said so.

Look, Geoff's a dad now.

And maybe someday
God will have a sense of humor
and make you one, as well.

So why not learn about
where he's coming from

before you kick him
to the curb?

You're right.

He's more than a dork
married to a shrew.

He's also a lame dad.

I've got some thinking to do.

While Barry
considered growing up,

my production of
Blade Runner: The Musical
was coming to life.

I'm inviting you all
to take a journey with me,

and I appreciate
your complete trust.

I'm only here because my mom
can't pick me up until 4:00.

Yes, the stage summons us all
for different reasons.

Should we be doing
an R-rated movie

that we're not
legally allowed to see?

Anyone with a good question?

Yeah, it says here
I'm supposed to be

crushing this dude's skull.
Why?

Simple. Your creator can't stop

the ticking clock
of your robot life expiring

because the code
embedded in your DNA
is irreversible. Got it?

- Okay, and why?
- Let's take it from the top.

Deckard, am I a replicant?

Some say you're a repli-can't.

But I say you're a repli-can!

♪ She's a robot
I'm enchanted ♪

♪ My memories
Have been implanted ♪

♪ And I have a short lifespan ♪

♪ So enjoy life if you can ♪

♪ Yes, you repli-can ♪

♪ Don't say you repli-can't ♪

♪ You repli-can ♪

Stop! Tara, that was too human.

Yeah, I felt that, too.

Also, what's a replicant?

Take five, guys.

There's
my Andrew Lloyd Treasure.

Flowers typically
are given after we open.

Oh, I don't need an occasion
to throw roses to my maestro.

Next stop, Broadway.

Next, next stop,
the Tony Awards.

And then I corner Streisand

and force her
to be best friends,

and then we swap clothes,

and she gets all jealous
because I wore them better.

Probably none of that,

but thanks for
believing in me, Mama.

Aww, it's what
a good mama does.

Pulls her baby back
from the dinner-theater abyss

and lets him shine again
in front of a room
full of children.

Ignoring the specifics,

I really think this might be
the greatest thing
I've ever made.

Well, you're the greatest thing
I've ever made,

right here, in my Adam factory.

While I was feeling
on top of the world,

Barry was trying
to get to the bottom

of what was going on
with Geoff.

My sister has challenged us
to become more like Geoff.

Kind and inquisitive?

Obsessively law-abiding?

Afraid to be on a balcony?

I'm talking about knowing
what it's like to have a baby.

No, not your birds-and-bees
speech again.

It's uncomfortable,
and it's mostly wrong.

How are we supposed
to instantly understand
what it's like to be a father?

With the help of
the cinematic romp
Three Men and a Baby.

It was
the classic '80s comedy

starring three clueless bachelors

figuring out
how to take care of a baby,

and the JTP studied hard,
learning the art of diapering,

powdering,
and singing babies to sleep.

Then it was time
to try it themselves.

This is boring.

How are we supposed to practice
being dads if she's asleep?

I mean, we could wake her up.

Erica gave us very specific
babysitting details.

Which I left downstairs.

Now, let's wake this baby.

And so
the JTP applied everything

they remembered from the movie,

which was,
unfortunately, not much.

They forgot
how to put on a diaper,

then they got into
a powder fight, a long one.

But eventually,
they did remember one thing.

♪ Good night, sweetheart ♪

♪ Well, it's time to go ♪

♪ Ba-dum, ba-dum ♪

♪ I hate to leave you
But I really must say ♪

♪ Good night, sweetheart ♪

♪♪ Good night ♪

Crazy as it was,
it worked.

And they couldn't wait
to tell Geoff.

JTP? What are you doing here?

Surprise!

We Three Men and a Baby-ed
your daughter!

But with four men.

At one point, it was five men
'cause the pizza delivery guy
used your bathroom.

Erica, I thought you said
you got a babysitter?

I did. The JTP.

So they could see
what you're going through.

And we definitely did!

We woke up Muriel
just to see what parents
have to deal with.

- You woke her up?
- To feed her, bro.

For future reference,
she is not a fan
of Black Forest cake.

- What are you talking about?
- It's a rich
chocolate sponge cake

with cream and cherry filling.

I know what
a Black Forest cake is!

But that's not meant
for a newborn, you dopes!

Whoa! We were just
learning to be dads,

like Steve Guttenberg,
Ted Danson, and Magnum, P.I.

And now we totally get
everything you were
boring us with.

We're the same as you, Geoff.

No, you're not!

I'm worried about Muriel
every second,
for good reason, apparently,

while you guys don't have
a care in the world!

Wait. You think
we don't worry about stuff?

After four years, I'm still
folding red jeans at the Gap.

I was there when
the mannequins had heads.
I've seen it all.

I just turned 22 and I haven't
had a relationship

besides the
will-they-won't-they tension

I have with my grandma's
in-home healthcare worker.

And being naked is not as easy
as it used to be.
I have a court date.

I'm not totally sure
I'm allowed to be
with your baby.

I feel like that's
something you should've
mentioned earlier.

Well, none of you
are babysitting ever again.

And, to be honest,
I don't really want to
hang out with you, either.

While things were cooling off
with Geoff and the JTP,

the drama with
Blade Runner: The Musical
was just heating up.

We have a major problem.

Adam's musical
is causing an uproar.

Everybody's talking about it,

especially since I took out
that full-page ad
in the Jenkintown Gazette.

I read that,
and I seriously doubt

that Rex Reed said, "Look out!
Broadway has another Schmoo!"

Plus, he's already
burned through

the entire theater budget
for the year.

I'm canceling
the senior trip to Maryland.

Oh, hell no!
Mama needs her crab cakes.

And the parents
are in a real tizzy.

One's asking,
"Why does our daughter

have to run through
a plate glass window?"

That's just breakaway glass.

We practiced
with Barry at home,
and he was mostly fine.

The Winter Gourd Fest
is back on

and Adam's getting replaced.

Yes! It's Glascott-o-clock!

Andrea, you're up.

On deck and ready to go.

Welp, I'm off to fire him.

No!

Damn it! I'll do it.

It'll soften the blow
coming from his mama.

There's my
indestructible Schmoo

who accepts life's triumphs
and defeats

with the same amount of grace.

Which scarf says
brilliant director more,

cream or off-cream?

The choice is too hard.
You should quit.

What? I just need to pick.

Oh, no. The pressure
they put on you
to make these decisions...

No. No. You should quit.

Never! This is gonna be
my magnum opus.

That the world isn't ready for.

Better to quit now
and just save it for later.

What's all this quitting talk?

Oh, boy. Um, how do I say this?

Um, Adam, you... You're f--

Adam, you're fired.

Principal Ball
is shutting down the show.

I've failed as a mother.

I enabled you
with too much praise,
and you took it too far.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

First I was demoted to janitor.

Now I'm being fired
from something
I actually care about.

Maybe I'm really not supposed
to do this anymore.

They say,
"The show must go on."

And it did. Just without me.

Horror of horrors!
What are you doing?

Accepting my fate.
I'm just a mop jockey now.

God. Well, thanks to
the middle-class bubble
I raised you in,

you know nothing of mopping.

With the water and the soap
and that rinse-y thing,

I'm sure I'll figure it out
after a few weeks.

Major school emergency.

The children refuse
to musically honor
the mighty gourd.

John, what are you saying?

I'm saying that
Adam inspired them
with his adult robot tale,

and they won't perform
anything else.

- Really?
- You need to get down there
and put on a show.

Uh... I don't know.

I do.

Adam, you're re-hired.

And so,
thanks to my mom,

I made it just in time
to see a packed theater

and a stage full of actors
singing the songs
I worked so hard on.

♪ I'm a blade runner ♪

♪ I'm a blade runner ♪

♪ I'm running on a blade ♪

And they
actually sounded pretty great.

Maybe the spark I was missing
was there all along.

♪ I'm a Nexus-6 named Pris ♪

♪ I can do tricks
Just like this ♪

♪ Blade runner ♪

♪ Bl-Bl-Bl-Bl-Blade runner ♪

Thanks, Mama.

For everything.

You just needed
a little reminder
of how great you are.

Yep,
watching those kids
bring my musical to life

made me realize I would never
give up on my dreams again.

Meanwhile, Geoff was coming
to a realization of his own.

All right,
we have a few minutes,

if anyone else has anything
that they want to share?

Geoff, you've been
weirdly here and quiet.

Yeah, I...

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

I know I'm not a mom
and I shouldn't be here.

It's been really nice to
just be around other parents

who are struggling
with the newness of it.

You're really lucky
to have each other.

Honey, wait.

You're right. You definitely
shouldn't be here.

Oh, good.
You made that super clear.

You shouldn't be here
because you have somewhere else
you need to be,

with the JTP.

Your friends love you so much
that they tried to be dads
for a night

just so they could be
a part of your world.

At great risk to our child,
but still.

Maybe you need
to make an effort to be
a part of their world, too?

I guess it's time
for this dad
to leave his mom group.

♪ Hold on tight ♪

Yeah, just because
your priorities change

doesn't mean you have to.

Hey, fellas.

What's up?

Look, I'm sorry.

I've been so wrapped up
in being a dad,

I've lost track
of the other people in my life.

It's okay. We-- We understand.

I mean, five minutes with her,
and it was like, whoa,

babies might be
difficult to deal with.

We're proud of you
for being a dad.

More than anything,
we just miss you.

I can fix that. Deal me in.

Because it's the people
we're closest to

who let us know
we're not going through life
all alone.

♪ Hold on tight to your dream ♪

♪ Yeah, hold on tight ♪

That's the thing
about our dreams.

With the support
of the people who love us,

they can come true.

♪ To your dream ♪

Shh. It's okay.

Go to sleep, baby.

I guess two men and a baby
doesn't work.

Um, excuse me.

- Dr. Katman?
- Indeed.

I was driving by
and heard your baby crying,

so I thought I could help.

Follow me.

♪ Ba-da-da-da-dum ♪

♪ Good night, sweetheart ♪

♪ Well, it's time to go ♪

♪ Ba-dum, ba-dum ♪

♪ I hate to leave you
But I really must say ♪

♪ Good night, sweetheart ♪

♪ Good night ♪

Well, doesn't always work.