Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening,

the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening,

now it's just past the pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to say, I've got to relearn the basics.

I never learned anyway. When will I find someone who understands?

When will this life ever end?

It was a rude awakening.

It was the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening.

And I hope it won't always be this way.

I hope it won't always be this way.

I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

No!

No!

I'm marrying your mother!

No!

Well, it's true.

And if you look at the handcrafted detail on this muskrat brooch, Mike, get

close -up on this, you will see how carefully the glass is inlaid over the

sturdy DuraFrame base, giving it a luster that you can only see in diamonds

shiny plastic.

And we have another caller.

Hello, this is Billy. And this is Linda. Hi.

Hi, Billy. I'm Julie.

You're my favorite. I've been following your career for such a long time.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Have you been in a coma?

Uh, no.

Good. Then let's get you over to the order line.

I think these are gorgeous pins.

Yeah, and you can use them for picking splinters out of your hands, too.

Oh, look, here's another call.

Hello, this is Billy. And Linda.

Hello, dear.

I'm calling to purchase some of that delightful crap.

that you're selling.

Mom, they're collectibles, and you don't have to keep calling and buying things.

Yes, she does.

Right you are. Who am I to deprive an old woman of a simple pleasure? So,

you like to buy some of these muskrat brooches to go with your ten porcelain

Marie Saint dolls?

Well, yes, thank you. I'll take whatever you've got left of those hideous

bargain basement rat brooches, which I'll never wear because they're... Oops!

Sorry, we lost her.

And speaking of losing things, you wouldn't want to lose out on our next

the Smokey the Bear shovel set.

Dig your way out of any situation.

And we're cut to tape.

Oh, you are doing so well for your first week. You are a natural.

Billy, can you work Saturday?

Linda doesn't want to be out here alone.

Yeah, you know, it's a lot of air time to fill, and frankly, I run out of

to say.

Well, look, I wish I could help, but I have a wedding to go to on Saturday. My

best friend is getting married, and although it's none of my business, I

be there to keep my nose out of it.

Will you at least think about it?

Believe me, it's all I've been thinking about.

No, no, no, no. You are going to be late.

Well, you know, I'm sure Marcus would rather I was late and happy than on time

and grumpy. I have the rest of my life to make you happy. What about the rest

my life? I mean, what if I die today? You're going to deny a dying man his

request for sex. Would you do that? All right. When you put it that way.

It's ten o 'clock.

Why didn't you say something to me? I got to go. That's not my...

Hey. Hey.

Got some schmutz right there. Oh, yeah.

So you working on the toast?

Oh, well, not much to it. You know, you pop the bread in, and no matter what

setting you put it on, it comes out black.

What about the rehearsal dinner toast?

Oh, that.

Yeah. Well, I'm working on a couple different versions.

Good. Just make sure it's, you know, very flattering and not too Jewish.

How about this one?

I'm in love with you, Dave.

No, I think that needs some work. I don't think that's going to go over so

What are you doing? Dave, I'm not kidding.

I'm in love with you.

No kidding in that?

Void of kidding wouldn't have stopped the elevator if I was kidding.

I've got to say, your timing's original.

Some might even say bad. Look, Dave, I can't help it. I'm in love with you, and

I think we belong together.

I mean, look, I know you probably distracted, what, with your love for

fiancé and all, and of course the wedding is probably, you know, making it

for you to see. It's like somebody's shining a flashlight in your eyes and

can't see the sun.

Now, which one are you? You're the flashlight or you're the sun? I'm the

I mean, that's the point. Aren't you listening?

Honey, you're not in love with me. You're just afraid you're going to lose

You don't want me to get married.

You're not going to lose me.

Okay? I promise you.

Maybe you're right.

Or... Maybe I'm your soulmate and we're meant to be together.

Raquel is not my soulmate. You know, what if I meant to marry somebody else?

Well, you could still be with other people once you're married.

You didn't know that? Seriously.

Do you think I'm rushing into this? Maybe we should call off the wedding.

right, all right. Tell you what. You say the word, I'll hijack your ass out of

town and everyone will blame it on me.

Know what you want?

No. No. I love Raquel.

Okay. You're just getting cold feet. Sit down, man. Yeah. The same thing

happened to me when I was going to marry Nancy. Then I moved in with her and

realized how nice it was to flow with another human being and...

I knew I made the right decision.

Of course, I don't mean to poke holes, but you and Nancy are getting divorced.

Well, yeah.

Hey, but I'm fucking her now, right?

That's a good point. Okay, we'll push on with it. Okay. We'll go forward.

Okay, here's the ring. All right. Okay. I'm a guy with my life.

Okay, that's the last official thing I have to do.

Right. So, you know, got it all squared away. It's all downhill from here. What

do you mean by that, downhill? What does that mean?

Down is never good. Down's not good unless you live, like, on the top of a

-rise apartment that's on fire. Okay, okay, man. It's all uphill from here. If

you think I'm making a mistake by getting married, I wish you would just

Yes, you're making a mistake.

For Raquel, because Raquel is marrying a crazy motherfucker.

Yeah.

Mom, I thought we were meeting for Mexican food.

Darling, you misheard. I said we were meeting a Mexican.

Rosa, oh, no, I want you to meet my daughter, Billy, the one I told you

Such a beautiful woman, and yet you have a man's name. You embrace both the jing

and the jang. Wow, I've embraced a lot of people.

Not to fasion.

Rosa is helping me cure my little health problem, darling. Oh, you mean your

heart disease? Oh, don't use that big word around, Trudy. Bad words create bad

thoughts, and bad thoughts create bad energy.

Bad breath creates a bad date. Mom, if you're going to stay here with Rosa, I'm

going to go get a taco.

A taco will not cure your broken heart.

I can see it in your eyes. You have suffered greatly.

My contacts need to be cleaned.

That and the man you love is marrying another.

Mom, did you tell her about Dave?

Yes. Darling, come over here. Look, this is why I've brought you here. I can't

bear to see you suffer, so I'm doing what any responsible parent would do.

having Rosa curse Dave's wedding.

Mother, that is ridiculous. This woman can't really curse the wedding so it's

called off and Dave finally realizes that I'm the one for him.

Can you?

It's what I do.

As well as counsel people on their spiritual energy and heal their psychic

So what are we waiting for?

Cash. This isn't me, darling. How much is it? Would a hex be cheaper?

No, no. I'll put it on your tab.

Now. I will need an article of your ex -boyfriend.

Oh, well, I mean, all I have is this RSVP card to his wedding.

Well, yes, that'll do.

Okay, there is no more wedding.

And if there is, I wouldn't be able to go because you just destroyed the RSVP.

So, what do you think?

Too dressy for Dave's rehearsal dinner? No, no, no. But, however, too dressy for

my living room, we've got to take this bad boy off.

No, Marcus, if we start that, we're never going to make dinner.

We're not going to miss shit. I've seen the menu.

Well, if I'm going to get through tonight, I'm going to need one of those.

not going to be so bad. It's Dave's dad, who's big and loud, and Raquel's mom,

who I've never met, and Billy.

Yeah, we can take the bottle.

Here.

So guess what I got today.

Uh, new haircut.

New dress.

Whatever it is, it works. You look good. No, honey.

What? The notification that our divorce is final.

We are now officially fornicators.

See, the way you say that sounds bad and kind of sexy.

So, sweetie, when we get remarried, let's have something small.

Unless you want something formal.

Who, me?

No, Marcus, the armchair. I really wanted to know what the living room

felt about our wedding.

Oh, I get the distinct feeling that the furniture feels we should wait.

Hey, I'd marry you tomorrow, you know that, but... Oh, no, see, Mr. Couch is

saying, hey, Marcus, take it slow.

So you don't want to get remarried? No, no, it's not me, it's the couch, yeah.

Hey, come on, I'm not saying that I never want to get remarried, you know.

So, baby, what am I supposed to do? Wait around here until you figure it out?

Could you?

So, how you doing?

Oh, pretty good. You know, a little nervous.

Apparently weddings make a lot of people nervous.

What's up with her?

Oh, man, she's on me about getting married again.

Oh, what, don't you want to? Well, I just got out of that trap. I don't want

get locked back into it.

No, hey, you were going to love it. Yeah, okay.

Dave, your dad was just telling us how proud he is of you.

You sure you were talking to my dad?

Of course you were. Hey.

What's not to be proud of?

After all the millions of girls you've been with, you're finally settling down.

Millions. Oh, Mr. Farrelly was just kidding, right?

Of course. It's no more than triple digits. But who's counting?

Sounds like you need a calculator.

You know what? The main thing is that all those days are in the past and we're

getting married and everything's perfect.

Yeah, except for a little problem with the oven. Excuse me.

Pop, do not say anything else nice about me, okay?

Well, um, Dave has a lovely bar. Well, he should. If anybody knows bars, it's

Dave. I'm just glad he's serving drinks behind him instead of passing out on the

floor in front of him.

So, um, Dave has a drinking problem?

Had. He's been sober for three years.

Well, of course, that doesn't offset the ten years he's wasted, but it's a

start. The point is, I'm proud of him. For the first time in... ever.

Look, I don't want to spoil your special night here, but is there any way you

can call this off?

Mom, look, Dave might have had some problems with alcohol and women. You

what? It's all in the past.

Hey, Raquel.

Billy. Yeah. Would you tell my mother that marrying Dave is a wonderful idea?

Marrying Dave is a wonderful idea.

You see?

Hey, Marcus.

Nancy. How you guys doing? He's great.

Goodbye.

Wow. You're any colder, I have frostbite.

Hey. Hey. You know, in a rehearsal dinner, there's usually like a dinner.

all the veal just got burnt.

What? Yeah, I don't know how it happened. The ovens were working fine

morning, and now the temperature gauge got all screwed up.

Wow, that's pretty weird. Yeah.

Dave, can I see you for a second? What? Excuse me.

Listen, the ring box you gave me last night, it had a ring in it, right?

Did it? Are you fucking with me? Do you want to give me an aneurysm?

Dave, Dave, calm down, man. Dave, what's wrong? What's the matter?

Nothing.

It's just like all the negative energy in L .A. has focused itself on my

wedding. What?

Come on, there's always a lot of snags around weddings. It's going to be fine.

You're just having a little run of bad luck.

Ow.

Just threw out my bat.

Hey. Hey, Billy.

Raquel, I have to tell you something.

Well, I hope it's where I can get some cheap flowers because the florist just

screwed up the date and now we don't have any.

I have a ficus upstairs, if that helps.

Thank you, you're sweet.

No, no, I'm not. I'm not at all sweet. Look, I haven't acted the way a mature

adult should act towards their best friend's fiancé.

Well, because... Well, it doesn't matter why, but I was wrong.

About what?

About wanting to stop your wedding and intending all these bad things to

And look, I'm sure it was just coincidental, but I put a curse on your

You put a curse on my wedding?

Kind of. And then I kissed Dave in the elevator.

What?

And I said what I had to say, and I'm really sorry, and now I'm going to go.

Why on earth would you do any of that?

You feel in love with Dave, don't you?

Look, tomorrow's your special day, and I don't want to upset you any more than I

already have.

Get out!

Okay, I'm going out as fast as I can, but you know what? I'm going to make

right. Yeah, no, it's all mine. Don't bother coming to the wedding because

you're disinvited.

I'm sorry.

I wouldn't want me at the wedding either.

What I find really funny is that this pot and you...

Both came over the border illegally.

What are you talking about? I'm from Fresno.

Oh, well, that's not quite so funny, really, is it?

Because you're starving.

You've got no appetite.

You're just frosting all chunks of cheese.

No, I only eat macrobiotic food.

Why? Truly, you know, I've been meaning to tell you something. I had these

visions of you last night.

Was there any cheese in it anywhere?

No, you were walking along the sea shore, taking in deep breaths of fresh

air. Oh, no, no, no.

You just want me to exercise.

Well, of course, but on a beautiful beach with handsome men in speedos.

I am such a horrible person.

I mean, nice people don't curse their best friend's wedding. They wear ugly

dresses so that the bride looks cuter than they do.

Rosa, you have to take the curse off, okay?

No, I paid good money for that.

Yeah, but, Mother, maybe I'm not meant to be with Dave. Maybe I'm meant to grow

old and alone like you.

And me.

Mother, where are you going? I have a serious problem here.

Well, so do I, Johnny. I've got the munchies. I need cheese.

Rosa, what kind of whacked -out herb do you have my mother on?

Marijuana.

And something else that's harder to come by these days.

Hope. Is that like ecstasy?

Well, it can lead to it.

The only thing stronger than hope is love.

That's a lovely sentiment, but my mother was expecting magic, and so was I.

And you're getting it. I pray for guidance for both of you, and it always

Can you understand the power of prayer?

Well, I'm a recovering alcoholic, so I guess I can.

So this whole curse thing with Dave, are you saying it was all bullshit?

No, I put a curse out in the universe, but the real question is, what are you

going to do about David?

Well, I guess if I truly love him, I have to let him go.

Well, if you're going to do your part, I'm going to do mine.

I'm going to show you how to undo the curse.

The first thing you do is that you light these candles, then you rub a little

oil on his forehead, and then you put these rose petals on him.

And it's a physical manifestation of your emotional release.

Oh, great.

Can I ask you one more favor?

Que, mija?

Will you pray for me?

Oh, that's already done. It's free of charge.

Okay.

Don't forget to bring the vodka back.

Come in.

Hey, is Raquel around?

No, she's out picking flowers.

Oh, good.

Let me hurry up and lose before she gets...

Hurry up and do what?

Well, apologize and remove the curse.

You didn't curse us.

I did.

I don't believe in any of that stuff.

Neither do I, but just in case.

Also, I'm really sorry about what happened with Raquel.

Again, your timing is original.

Listen, I want you to be at the wedding, but... No, no, no, don't, Dave.

Believe me, I couldn't be there.

Come on.

Have you lie down and undo this voodoo that I did?

Oh, well.

If a live chicken jumps out of there, I'm out of here.

Now you tell me.

Just kidding.

I slaughtered it on the way over.

Okay, here we go.

You know, I thought about what you said in the elevator, and you might be my

soulmate. You might be.

You bring out the best in me, but you also bring out the worst in me.

You know, and even though I love you, I can't... I can't trust that.

Then what can you trust?

I can trust that marrying Raquel is the right thing to do.

She's really lovely.

And I want the best for you.

For both of you, I really do. And I'm really sorry about any, you know, bad

intentions I had.

But I want you to know that I want you to have everything you want in your

Okay?

So, by the power invested in me by Senora Rosa, I

now pronounce you uncursed.

I worked your son.

Thank you, Billy.

Thank you.

Thanks for being my life.

I always will be.

Have a nice wedding.

Welcome back, everybody.

Better call in fast. We don't have any of these Swiss cuckoo clocks left.

This gorgeous clock not only looks like a real antique, but it tells the time as

well.

Wow, look at that. One hour and 17 minutes till the one man that I love

married.

I've never been so sad in my entire life.

Maybe I should get that.

Hello, this is Linda.

Billy, if you love this guy, what are you doing there?

She's selling clocks.

Would you like to buy one?

Well, what do you think I should do? I mean, Dave's going to be walking down

aisle in one hour and 13 minutes.

Is this running fast?

Maybe I should hold the clock.

And we have another caller.

This is Linda. Hello. If you love him, Billy, he probably loves you, too. Maybe

he's just scared of how much he loves you.

You know, last time I saw him, he did look scared. Well, there you go.

He's settling for something safe and boring, and you need to rescue him from

that. But not right now, because she's working.

And what a wonderful job it is, too, right? I mean, you get to be on TV and

really cool stuff. You're right. I should immerse myself in my work because

can tell by this exquisite closet the love of my life is going to be married

one hour and nine minutes.

I do.

I do.

I do.

Hi. Hi.

You okay?

Fine, good, excellent.

Of course, based on the sweat, I may have malaria.

All right.

Well, it is time.

What time is it?

Time to go. You're going to marry Raquel in half an hour. Let me finish the

cigarette. You know, it'll relax me.

Dick, Dick, you know what's going to relax you? Well, get in your ass down

and marry that pretty lady, man. She is pretty.

And, oh, boy, I'm so excited.

because our next item is up.

What is it, Linda?

For an unparalleled $199, we have rare African crystal diamond... not

engagement rings.

Oh, Linda, you don't have to protect me. It's obvious that they're engagement

rings. I'm fine with it.

Oh, we have a caller.

I'm fine. See?

Fine. You don't look fine to me. You look like you're going to lose it. Hey,

an actress, and maybe I want your sympathy so that you'll buy these...

beautiful, gorgeous, sparkling, rare diamond ring that should be put on my

by the man that's not marrying me.

I miss him.

Hello,

caller. This is Linda. I want to speak to my daughter.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Frank. How are you? Shut up.

Billy, listen. I've been watching you fall apart for the last hour, and I

take another second. Would you get your eyes down to that church?

Mother, I can't spend my entire life just thinking about myself, okay? I have

do the right thing.

Darling, loving him is the right thing. This is your life. You have to fight for

what you want.

What if what I want is wrong?

How do any of us know what the right thing is for ourselves or for anyone

We're not God.

Really?

Billy, you should go.

There's only one Dave left.

Hey. Hey.

Okay. All right. I got Dave all cooled out. How's Raquel?

She's beaming a lot. She looks great.

You didn't cry?

No. She just looks so hopeful.

You know that wedding day hope? No baggage, no bad history, just looking

forward. Yeah, and I know.

No matter what you did before, a wedding gives you a fresh start.

That would be nice.

Who says we can't?

Come here.

Don't worry about me.

Okay.

All right.

Nancy Adams, will you remarry me?

I will.

Marcus, this is so beautiful.

Oh, you know, I'm going to need that back. That's Dave's ring. I mean, baby.

I tell you what, though. Give me that ring back. I'm going to give you one

tomorrow. I must

commend

you on your excellent wedding curses.

Do you also do bar mitzvahs?

I know that you are making a joke, but I believe in what I do.

And sadly, senora, you don't really want my help.

Your will is turned against me.

No, that's not true.

My will is turned directly towards you. You are the North Pole to the compass of

my will.

It is your drinking.

No, I'm not drinking, except the lovely liver -restoring brew, ointment, lotion,

whatever it is.

You put schnapps in it.

It needed a little zip.

No, you needed a little zip. You needed to get away from real life.

No, no. I'm not going to work with people who deceive themselves and don't

really want my help. I do. I do. I want your help and to be healed and to have

my wine. Well, that's why I came to you. If I wanted to stop drinking, I'd go

and see a doctor or a Mormon.

No, I will not overcharge you for false hopes.

Then give me a discount.

You're all I have.

You leave me. I've got nowhere else to go.

Oh, that is not true.

If you keep on going like this, you can go six feet under.

That's what you know, because I plan to be cremated.

The point is you're going to be dead.

Don't hear this, Rosa, thank you. Oh, just you do or you will not have come to

me. Judy, I can see your future in this crystal ball.

Look, I can see Billy getting married.

Oh, is it to Dave?

I can't see that.

And you know what else I can't see?

You. And you know why? Because you were not there.

I can see Billy having beautiful babies. Oh, and the babies are crying. And you

know why?

Because she's a terrible mother.

Because I have no grandmama.

Don't you want to see your daughter's wedding? Don't you want to be with your

grandbabies? Yeah, well, of course I do. I've tried to stop drinking before, but

it never works.

Have you tried today?

The vows you're about to take are not to be taken without careful thought and

prayer.

God, I don't know what I'm doing.

I made so many mistakes.

Do you, Raquel, take Dave to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, Dave, take Raquel to be your lawfully wedded wife?