Original subtitles

It was a rude awakening,

the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening,

now I just have to pay.

No matter where I go, somebody's got to say, I've got to relearn the basics.

That I never learned anyway. When will I find someone who understands?

When will this drive ever end?

It was a rude awakening.

It was the start of the longest day.

It was a rude awakening.

And I hope it won't always be there.

I was wondering if we could talk about that little thing that happened between

us last week. Which thing?

Me, you, pillows, candlelight, butt naked on the floor, hitting it. That

Oh, that thing.

Wasn't that great?

Yeah. No, I mean, it was, but it wasn't because... Baby, it can't happen again,

okay? Oh, so you came here to tell me you don't want to do that anymore?

No, I want to, but one is not the issue. I can't because I'm just... In denial.

No. In denial about what?

About the fact that you're still in love with me.

That, again, is not the issue. The point is, baby, that I am in a relationship

with somebody else.

I know.

Yeah, and you are getting divorced from me, and I don't know a lot about the

ecosystem, but, you know, I don't think I'm supposed to be fucking the

plaintiff, you know?

Then maybe you shouldn't think so much.

Yes, again?

Man, you say that like I can't stop setting nuns on fire.

Hey, I'm not proud of this thing with Nancy. What's happening?

Look, I just told you because I thought you of all people would understand. I'm

not judging you. You are judging me, Dave. I see it.

All right, I am.

Because it's Billy. You know, you've got to tell her that you're cheating on

him. It's not cheating so much as the last part of our marriage that we're

getting to now.

We're not so much cheaters as we are, you know, procrastinators.

You put the fucking off until now.

No wonder the marriage didn't work out.

Hey. Hey.

Haven't you ever heard of a goodbye fuck?

I think it's a goodbye fuck. And if there were kids, it wouldn't be allowed

the airport.

Okay, fine.

I'm starting a new trend. It's going to be bigger than the high five. If there

were goodbye fucks, this would not qualify as a goodbye fuck because you're

saying goodbye to Nancy. You're just fucking. Well, I got the first part

I got to work on the second part.

I can't believe you're not being more understanding. I do understand.

I just feel that by not telling Billy, I'm lying to her.

Or protecting her.

Hey, how's that feel? Try that on. See?

You feel good now? You're protecting her. You keep your mouth shut. It brings

out the blue in your eyes.

The point is, you're putting me in the middle. I'm caught in the middle. Dave,

I'm the one caught in the middle. You're not caught in the middle. You walked

right into the middle. You slept with the middle, okay?

You know, you're choosing this problem. No, the problem is I can't choose.

Even by not choosing, you're making a choice.

You sound like a fortune teller.

Okay, just do me a favor.

Let me choose to handle this one myself. And you're going to do that when?

Hi. Hey.

Oh, hey. What is that, Cherokee?

Yeah, it's Cherokee for you scared the shit out of me. Why are you so jumpy

there, sitting bullshit?

Oh, you want to get the cup? Did I catch you guys in the middle of something?

No, no, no.

You know, surprise me, that's all.

Oh, and you don't like surprises?

No, it depends on what it is.

Sure. I mean, you know, there's a good kind of surprise when you open the door

and Ed McMahon is standing there with a big fat check. And then there's a bad

kind of surprise where you're running late to a funeral and your car gets

Yeah, and when your car gets towed, don't you wish that somebody had told

about it rather than making you find out about it all by yourself? Yeah, but

that wouldn't change the fact that your car was already towed and the tow truck

driver probably felt really bad about it and it wouldn't happen again.

Well, the tow truck drivers that I know usually aren't that sensitive. In fact,

the last guy who hauled my car away laughed at me and then gave me the

And he was from Roadside Assistance.

Yeah, doesn't it suck when someone you think you can rely on lets you down like

that? Shit!

Whoa! Look at the time!

I've got to get to the magazine because I work there.

Hey, I'll see you later, beautiful.

Dave. Dave?

Is it my imagination or is Marcus acting kind of strange?

Oh, yeah. You know, he's got a lot of stress in his wife. Life.

Life. Because of his wife causing him strife.

What are you, cat in the hat?

Yes. Yes, I am.

I think he's stressed out because his birthday's coming up.

Okay, yeah, yeah. That makes sense.

And that is why I want to ask you if you think I should throw him a surprise

party.

That's a lot of work, isn't it? No, you know, if you're gonna throw a surprise

party, you gotta really like somebody.

I mean, really, really like somebody.

Well, I do.

You know, when it comes to relationships, Billy, sometimes it's

you know, not put all your eggs in one basket. Well,

there's not a lot of baskets lining up for my eggs these days, Dave. I would

hate for you to miss that because, you know, you're settling out of fear of a

basket shortage or something because there's a lot of men out there that

be very happy to hang on to your eggs.

Dave. Leaving the poultry aside, what the fuck are you talking about?

I'm trying to tell you that you're one of the most beautiful, interesting,

intelligent women that I know. And you deserve to be with a man that's going to

love all those things about you. A man who's going to love you the most.

He's not too keen on the whole surprise party idea. Why not?

He has his reasons.

And I want to know them.

I don't think I can tell you. Then you have to.

You promise you can keep a secret? I'm great at keeping secrets.

In high school, I never told Donna Rubinsky that Ricky Carson liked him.

never told Ricky that Donna liked him.

Which is too bad, because Donna ended up marrying Ed Farrell, who beats her.

Look, let's just say that Donna and Ed are not the only couple who's having

problems.

Basically, Dave told me that I should leave Marcus and get back together with

him. No fucking way! He grabbed me by the arms and said I was beautiful,

intelligent, and sexy, and that I should be with the man who appreciates all

that about me. He did not. He did not. I don't believe it. I couldn't believe it

myself. I mean, all this time, you know, he seems like he's so happy with

Raquel, but he's really just never gotten over me.

How do you feel about that?

I don't know.

I mean...

They've got me, right?

So I guess I feel like anybody would be kind of happy that he wants me back.

Do you want him back?

No, no. I mean, I'm happy with Marcus. You know, he's successful, he's cute,

he's sweet. I can trust him, which is nice.

Then you have to tell Dave it's not fair to leave him on.

I'm not leaving anyone on Haley. I mean, it's not my fault that he finds me

beautiful and charming and spends his nights dreaming about me.

Who does?

Normally it's June.

I spoke to my dad the other day. Mm -hmm.

He asked how things were going with us.

Uh -huh.

Told him that you beat me.

He's going to come over here and disembowel you. Mm -hmm.

Hey! What?

I told you my father was going to disembowel you.

Why?

I don't even know the guy.

I wasn't serious.

Why'd you say it? Because you're not listening to me.

Oh.

I'm sorry, honey. There's a lot of stuff on my mind. That's all. Okay. What

stuff?

Nothing. Just drama with my friends.

What kind of drama?

I can't say. I really can't.

Especially now.

Hey, guys.

Hi.

Dave, can I talk to you for a second in private, please?

Thank you. Sure.

You understand? Okay.

Dave, you remember the conversation we had the other day about Marcus?

Yeah. Well, it just, it seemed to me that there was something that you wanted

say, but you didn't come right out and say it. Am I wrong?

Maybe.

Dave, I think I know what it was.

In fact, I do.

Oh, good.

God, because my heart was going to burst from not being able to tell you.

Really? Oh, of course. You know how much I care about you.

But how do you feel about this? Well, surprised.

I mean, when a person says a relationship is over, you tend to think

So you're going to break it off with Marcus?

Well, that's pretty obnoxious of you, Dave. I mean, look, I'm affected by what

you feel, but that doesn't mean that I'm just going to suddenly dump Marcus.

I would have thought you'd want to.

Dave, this may come as a shock to you, but I'm happy with Marcus.

Even knowing?

Even knowing.

Okay. I mean, I just want you to be happy.

I want you to be happy.

Well, I'm happy if you're happy.

Okay. All right.

When I stop being happy, I'll let you know so that you can adjust accordingly.

Hey, hey, hey, have you seen Marcus yet? No, he didn't get in yet. Okay, listen,

when he comes in, you gotta talk to him.

Try to get some of the names of friends of his. I mean, people other than the

ones I know that I can invite to the party, okay?

Right.

How?

Well, Haley, just try something radical like talking to him.

I never talked to Marcus. Don't you think he'll think that's weird? What's

weird? I mean, just pretend you're being friendly or say you're interviewing him

for some school thing. No. Make something up. It's just...

I'm not a very good actress. In high school, when I played Joan of Arc, they

threw Mac his.

Maybe they were Protestant.

Anyway, I've got to get out of here before Marcus comes.

Oh, Eddie. Hey, Eddie. Hi.

Hi. Hey.

Hi. Hey, man.

Well, too bad I can't stay, but I have to get over to the pet store to buy a

cat.

Yeah, I just remembered that my neighbor went to Reno two weeks ago, and I...

I forgot to feed her cat, so I'm really hoping that Petco has a medium -sized

tabby in stock.

Yeah.

She told her, huh?

Would you knock it off? No, no, not yet, but I will, okay?

Are you sure?

Well, how would I not be sure, man?

I don't know. You don't have a history of talking in your sleep, do you?

No, you don't have a history of blabbing when you're awake, do you?

No.

Yo, Haley.

Can I help you or something?

Oh, well, I was just wondering who you hang with when you're not here.

Yeah, what?

Well, I'm sure that there are people in your life that you're close to that we

don't know about. I was just wondering who some of them are.

Well, why are you asking me that?

I can't say.

I mean... I'm doing a paper for my psych class on...

Divorce. Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, divorce. Okay. Well, it's painful and expensive. Kind of like plastic

surgery. Only when you come out, you look worse.

Okay? Yeah.

Okay.

And I know that sometimes when people get divorced, it has a big impact on

social life. Like sometimes you lose contact with people that you were once

close to. And then sometimes you wind up becoming closer to people who have

drifted.

Haley, do you know something?

What do you mean?

Did Dave say something to you?

No, other than what he always says puts the deal.

Did Billy say something to you?

Billy who?

Haley, did Dave recently have a conversation with Billy where he

very private things?

How do you know about that conversation?

I mean, I mean, I don't know what you're talking about.

Haley, you were the worst fucking actress in the world.

Oh, Jonah.

arc all over again?

Dave, my man.

Where'd you learn to keep a secret, baby? Iliot Kazan?

What'd I do?

Hi.

Wow.

Flowers and candy.

What'd you do?

Yeah. Listen, I'm, um... Look, I'm aware that Dave, my buddy, revealed certain

things to you recently.

Who told you that?

Haley. You've got a big mouth.

So does Dave. I mean, I wish he'd just let me talk to you, you know.

Dave discussed this with you?

Briefly, but I told him, keep it to himself.

Well, don't worry. I mean, it's not like you're going to lose me. A lot of

people have feelings for their exes.

You're kidding me, right?

No.

I can't believe you're being so reasonable, babe.

I mean, well, look, you know, you can't blame someone for still caring about the

person they were in the most serious relationship of their life with. I mean,

you still have feelings for Nancy, right?

Yeah. Well, hey, we were married for ten years. She's my ex -wife.

You know, I mean, of course, there's a relationship there.

Exactly. And Dave's feelings for me are no different.

Huh?

Dave's probably just getting nervous about how serious he's getting with

And like he usually does, he just, you know, he wants something that he can't

have. Hey.

Oh, uh, Dave told you he wanted to get back together with you.

Well, not in so many words, but he did make it clear that he still has feelings

for me.

Are you thinking of getting back together with him?

No. No, I mean, I haven't forgotten that we had problems and that there's a

reason why our relationship ended.

Yeah. Those are good things to remember.

Yeah, because if you don't, you end up living in the past, you know, and I

want to do that.

I mean, especially because you and I have such a great relationship.

Don't we?

Hell yeah.

Well, I like that I get you flowers, you know, and candy.

Hello?

I can't believe you told Marcus what Dave said. I didn't do it on purpose.

How did he get?

I don't know. He just did.

And now the only one that doesn't know is Raquel. And I'm sure there's going to

be some big, huge blowout. Huge blowout?

Yes. The third one this month, in fact. I really need new tires.

Fires done?

Great. They hung up again.

Hello?

You know, it sounded like you were saying something about me not knowing

something.

Well, hey.

What can anybody really know anyway?

Deckhorses, the only things that you can really know is what you think.

I think that I really need to get into the kitchen right now. So I guess what

I'm saying is that I think there's more ice cream.

Get it?

Bye.

Hey. Hey.

What are you doing?

Dave. What? What is going on?

What do you mean? You have been acting very weird and secretive, and now Hayley

is acting very weird and secretive. Why don't you just go ahead and tell me what

the big secret is that has something to do with you and Billy and possibly a car

accident? I have no idea what you're talking about. Hey, Raquel. Hi.

Dave. Can I speak to you in private, Nancy?

Oh, more about the secret?

Oh, so she knows there's a secret. Not that secret. So there is a secret.

Yes, but I didn't tell her about the secret, okay? That's Marcus's secret.

actually, it's more our secret than this mine, wouldn't you? What do you mean by

that? Come on, man, don't do that to me. I'm trying to be a good guy and not

bring this up in front of your lady.

Bring what up?

I don't care. Do you want to bring it up in front of Raquel? Be my guest. All

right, have it your way. Dave asked Billy to leave me for him. What?

Did he do it?

I did not. Then why did you tell Billy she was beautiful and sexy and

intelligent and that she deserved to be with somebody who would appreciate that

about her? How do you know about that? You told Billy that?

Yes, but not because I wanted to be with her. Yeah, then why?

Because I didn't want her to get hurt when she met your fucking ex -wife.

Hey, man, tell the whole world. Oh, why don't you?

You're sleeping with Nancy?

It only happened twice. She's still my wife for the next couple of weeks.

She's not a rent -a -car, Marcus. It's not like you can keep rioting her with

penalty until the turn -in date.

Does Billy know?

No, and right now she's the only one in the whole damn restaurant who doesn't

know. You have to tell her, Marcus. I know, I know. I'm just messed up. I

want something that never should have happened to ruin my relationship with

Billy. What are you saying? You're never going to say anything?

No, I'm going to tell her. I'm just waiting for the right time and place.

Look, why don't you guys just chill out?

Hard as it is, just pretend that this is my business.

Got it? You know, the longer you wait to tell Billy, the more you are going to

have to tell her. Well, there's not going to be any more, Dave, because me

Nancy are done. Oh, you're done?

Absolutely.

How does this keep happening?

Two weeks ago, you wouldn't take my phone calls at work, and now you were

me at work. What's up?

I guess nothing spices up a romance like a good divorce.

That's crazy, honey.

Come on.

We're both trying to move on, aren't we?

Are we?

Well, that is the impression I got when you served my ass with divorce papers,

yeah.

I guess things aren't as clear -cut for me as I thought they were.

Well, baby, they don't have to be clear -cut.

But, I mean, do we have a cutting edge at all?

Do we have anything with a sharp edge? Okay, wait a minute.

Don't try to act like I'm the only one sending mixed messages here. We were

naked. No, no, we weren't. I had my big -ass shoes on.

Mm -hmm.

What about this white girl you've been seeing? Have you told her about us? No,

you know, that's not nice. And you know her name is Billie.

Okay?

And no, but I'm gonna tell her as soon as the time is right.

Well, what about tonight?

No, I can't do it tonight. I gotta...

It's time for a package. I got a lot of work to do. I'm not even going to see

the lady tonight.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Well, why don't I come with you, and maybe while you're working, I can try to

find some ways to relieve the tension.

Hey, girl, what am I going to do with you?

Because you know I have a lot of tension.

Can you believe this? What?

Well, that he brought Raquel here. I mean, you know, you'd think it would be

awkward. Oh, I bet it is.

Look at her.

I feel so bad knowing what I know.

Look at her.

I feel so bad knowing what I know. It's like I'm some nature photographer who

just stands idly by watching while some baby emu wanders into a lion's den.

Well, you could say something to her.

Here, now.

It's hardly appropriate.

Even for me, you know, when I once started a eulogy with a knock -knock

No time is going to be a good time.

You want to know what I think?

What? If it was me, I would want to know.

I think you should go talk to Dave.

I think you should talk to Billy.

Hey, Bill. Hey, Dave.

So you brought Raquel with you?

Does she know about our little chat?

Yeah, yeah, she does.

And she still came?

Wow.

That's pretty understanding.

Or maybe she's just lulling you into some false sense of security so she can

wreak some horrible revenge on you.

You know, I'd think twice about it next time she asks you to handcuff you to the

bedpost. Honey, I've got to clear something up with you.

What?

You misunderstood me when you thought that I had romantic feelings for you.

Oh, Dave, I mean, pretending isn't going to make this any better.

I'm not pretending.

Well, then why did you say I was sexy, intelligent, beautiful, and interesting?

Because you are.

Uh -huh.

And who were you referring to when you said I should be with a man who

appreciates all that about me? Just somebody other than Marcus.

So the whole egg speech with the basket and all of that... It was my way of

telling you that your relationship with Marcus is like a basket of eggs that

somebody's about to hurl at you.

Dave, if I were about to get egg on my face, I hope you'd at least say duck.